Long time, no blog! 🙂
I’ve had this post milling in my thoughts for some time now, and you’ll soon see why I had to wait until now to write it.
It was an incredible holiday season this year, much better than the previous holidays. I was super into it, work was busy and incredible, C and I got super into the holiday spirit this year and we had a beautiful Christmas tree!
Since January began, my contract completed at work (I was the store manager for seven months) so I’m back in my original position, we MOVED(!!!!), and I am happily, finally getting back into the groove of living a little smaller and slower, which you guys know is at the heart of why I blog here. We went on a beautiful trip to Cambria and Monterey last week, which is the first true vacation I’ve taken in over a year. (2015 was definitely more Big Life, Fast Life than Small Life, Slow Life!)
But I think the biggest news that I’ve been waiting to share…
…is that C and I are expecting our first baby in July!
We’re so excited! Starting our family was in our goals for next year, but we know that life has its own timing and we’re ecstatic to welcome him/her this year! We’re so happy to say baby is happy and healthy so far.
And this is the reason behind why I’m writing this to you today.
I’ve been falling behind with the comments on Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. That post really put this blog on the map and I am truly so grateful, every single day. It was a post I wrote in 20 minutes that saw no action for six months, and then it got a comment. And then another. I was SO excited when it reached its first 100 comments, and then it hit 200, 300, 500…now it’s almost at 800 comments and more pour in by the day.
So here’s the thing. When C and I broke up and I was in the depths of my misery, I always swore that if he were to ever come back to me, that I would share the story of how he did so I could help people. I remember desperately googling all the same search terms you guys have in order to get him back to me. In the end, I learned that letting him go, just like with anything else, was the only way to have a chance at him returning.
So when he did come back, I kept true to my promise. I wrote the blog and I never in my wildest dreams imagined that it would help so many people. I really enjoyed reading your comments and helping you. I also loved when, a few months later, you would come back and tell me how much better you were feeling!
Somewhere along the way, I started to feel totally responsible for answering your comments. There wasn’t one that went by that I didn’t answer. Most of you were incredibly respectful, but some of you didn’t read the blog at all and just wanted me to tell you how to manipulate or play games with your exes. When my phone would ding with “You have a new comment,” I would read your stories and feel like I had to answer immediately.
And on some level, and maybe this sounds silly…but your pain became my pain. I’m a really sensitive person and when I would get your heart-wrenching stories, my heart would actually completely ache for you too. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much time I’ve spent answering comments back, thinking about you, worrying about you, considering your situation and what you should do.
It is a true privilege to help you. It is also draining.
Sometime toward the end of last year, the comments were pouring in by the dozen each day and I started to wonder if I’d really done the right thing by making a commitment to answer every single one of your comments. Additionally, I felt that blog turning very much into an advice column where you were constantly asking me for strategy on how to manipulate/attract your exes back, when the whole point of it was me saying “YOU HAVE TO LET YOUR EX GO BECAUSE HE/SHE DOESN’T EVEN MATTER; YOU DO.”
So then I wrote Small Life, Slow Life: I Honestly Don’t Care If You Get Your Ex Back. Bingo! I thought. This will do it.
So, long story short, at the end of the day this is what I’m here to tell you: I’m not going to answer the comments on that blog anymore.
It doesn’t mean I’ll stop being in relationship with you; it just means that I’m done giving advice about ex boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives.
It’s going to be hard for me and I will miss it. But I work full time, I’m married, and we’re bringing a baby into the world. But mostly, I think I’ve done enough. 772 comments back and forth on how to heal, how to let go, what C was thinking, what exactly I did and when I did it…it’s enough. I’ve put enough information out into the universe on how to let go of you ex…and why that’s the only way you can truly get him/her back in a way that lasts.
I feel complete.
I absolutely 100% still want a relationship with you and I still want to blog here. That’s really important to me. I want to get back to this blog’s original intention, which is how to live a smaller, slower, happier life. And I think right now, while I’m expecting and learning how to shift my priorities, is the perfect time to do that.
It doesn’t mean I’ll never answer another comment. It’s just that I can’t continue to keep up with the amount of comments that pour in on that particular subject.
I hope you understand and I hope we can still be friends. ❤
I look forward to continuing to talk with you as the years go by. I’ll be here. I hope you will too!
Thank you. Thank you for wanting to help so many people through their pain. Thank you for helping me with not only problems about my love life, but also my friendships. Thank you for everything. I hope I or the hundreds of other people you have helped haven’t exhausted you as a resource. I feel like that is one of my and I am sure many other people’s biggest fear. However, friends help friends and it’s also a friend’s job to let another friend know if the situation is getting out of hand. Without you and the help of a good friend, I would have never realized that I needed therapy. I have always been uncomfortable with asking for help because I’m always terrified I’ll go overboard. However, I’m always one to listen to other people’s problems and offer my advice when appropriate, so I think being willing to pay the favor forward is a great “payment” for the help a person receives.
It’s interesting that you have made a post about this subject because countless times I have wondered, “Doesn’t she ever get tired of saying the same things over and over again? Doesn’t she ever get depressed about essentially reliving her pain over and over again?” You have done all you can do, but I feel like when people are in pain, they don’t see that. It’s sad how a few people weren’t respectful towards you, but I don’t think it’s because they were trying to be. As someone who has experienced heartbreak, all you want to do is to make the pain stop and sometimes you do things that don’t make sense. Even if your story is the same as the last 10 people who commented, there is comfort in getting a personalized response from someone who has been there and who has lived to tell the tale. However, at the end of the day, the advice has always been the same. Let. Go. You do that by focusing on yourself and realizing the other person doesn’t matter. You don’t contact the other person and you don’t feel bad because you are worth more than longing for someone who doesn’t want you. TOTALLY easier said than done, but there is not much more that can be said.
Something I am trying to do this year is to talk about my problems less. Yes, it’s bad to hold them in, but that’s what therapy is for. When I am around my friends, I want to feel good, not depress myself or them with my problems all the time. While there is a time and place for everything, oversharing isn’t healthy either.
Finally, CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so happy for you and your husband and your future bundle of joy. It’s great to know that things have settled down for you, your job is going well and that your holidays went well. Can’t wait for the future blogs! 🙂
Yeah, I know no one meant to be disrespectful. It’s hard — you said it exactly; when you’re in that much pain, you cease to see the effect you have on others. I know I talked about my breakup so much that I drained all my friends’ energy. It’s why I made the decision at one point to stop talking about him, because it wasn’t making me feel better and it was damaging my friendships.
Thanks for your support ❤
Congrats Jen!! Thank you for sharing your wonderful news! I’m still practicing on letting go, but will still look forward to any future posts you make, regardless of the topic. : )
Lots of love and hugs for all of your support!
Thank you Nikki ❤️ I am 100% sure I’ll still talk about letting go as it’s something we must, throughout our whole lives, practice doing. 😊 I just won’t be strategizing on getting exes back anymore.
Lots of love ❤️ I’m still here.
Congratulations! Great news and wish you the best!! 🙂 Funny how life is a puzzle! Thanks for everything.
Thanks HH. Keep in touch. ❤️ I’m not going anywhere! Just not answering how to get exes back anymore. 🙂 Still wanna know how you’re doing. 😊
Hey! Hope you’re feeling good and getting ready for the little one :).
Update – My ex asked to meet with me. We met, it was so nice… He told me he wasn’t happy in his relationship. I told him i want him back in my life but with commitment, without fighting, etc. He said he doesnt want that. He broke up with his rebound gf a week after. And a day after that he went back on dating sites and is looking for a serious relationship, not talking to me, I found out from friends that saw him on the app (it’s a small community). Thought I was strong and happy, everything fell backwards. I reached out to him, mad that he played with my mind. I honestly thought we would work through things but he is playing with me. I got screwed again. I don’t feel out of control, I just have so much rage towards the situation and him. I go out a lot, I am happier, I go on dates but nothing compares… I wish I had a better update for you, but I don’t. =/
I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but it sounds like it’s time to actually let go. This guy has been dicking you around for far too long. I think you got your hopes up by letting him partially back in, when he really didn’t deserve that opportunity.
Congratulations!! That’s great news and such a blessing 🙂
It’s weird being so happy for a person you’ve never met but you have truly earned the respect and warm affections of your readers
Thank you so much Serge! ❤️ I feel the same way about you guys…when you write me and tell me you’re happy, I feel so happy for you! 😊
I am so glad to see another blog post from you! I have been reading Small Life Slow Life all of 2015- and this is my first comment, because until now, I didn’t feel emotionally well enough to type words that were life giving. So the timing of this post is impeccable! 2015 was the most painful year of my life, and there were days I didn’t know how i was going to make it through. Your blog has helped me so much! In December I decided to go “no contact” with my ex. Without your encouragement I do not think I could have done it. I even copied and pasted some of your words to the notepad on my iphone so i could read them throughout the day in my moments of weakness. I resolved in 2016 to love and take care of myself. I want to thank you. Even just a month of this mindset has made a world of difference, and the joy is starting to return to my daily life. Although we do not know one another, I feel as if you are a friend, and you have a beautiful heart. I’m so happy to hear of the upcoming changes in your life. Congratulations! Its really cool to see good things happening for you, as you have given courage to many hearts like mine.Thank you!
Good for you! No contact will give your heart some space to cleanse and heal. I hated when breakup blogs would recommend no contact, but it was really the biggest thing that allowed me to disconnect with C and start to hear my own voice again. I’m really proud of you. I think 2016 will be a great year. Often just setting the intention to put yourself first sets a whole whirlwind of things in motion that wouldn’t have ever happened otherwise.
Thank you for your comment (you should’ve commented earlier!) and your support. It blows my mind when people tell me they return to my words to make them feel better. It’s truly humbling. I can assure you that joy is so close around the corner for you. It’ll sneak up on you and pounce like a loving puppy!
Thanks for your kind comment and I wish you so much joy and healing in 2016! ❤️
You are a wonderful soul with the purest of intentions for everyone. I am really happy for you and C, congratulations! Happiness will come in leaps and bounds to both of you. Well wishes and hugs xxx
Jen! I am so proud of you.
I will be forever grateful for stumbling along this space but found myself, after I started to heal, feeling so overwhelmed by all the heartbreak and grief and wondered how you dealt with it on a daily basis and if whether or not it was affecting your life. As a visitor I could shut it off, but I knew you couldn’t and knew your heart wanted to help everyone you could.
But, vicarious trauma is real, and once again you have shown us how to set boundaries and how to put yourself first – which was the whole point of that blog post in the first place.
The lessons you have taught me will carry me through the rest of my life.
Congratulations on the little one! You are going to be an amazing momma. 🙂
Congratulations! Just wanted to give a quick thank you for your wonderful blog that helped me through my dark months, everything that you said is true and even though I didn’t think it would be the case for me, genuinely letting go does bring people back 🙂 when you get to the end of a dark tunnel you look back reverently on the things that helped you through and your blog was definitely part of my healing process. I won’t ask for advice for what to do when they come back 😉 take care of you and thank you again for your blog and helping others. -Leslie
Thank you so much for this blog. Like everyone else on here, I’ve found it to be the most real, most stable advice. I keep coming back to it.
I know you aren’t answering questions anymore as your answer is always to let go. I couldn’t find much in the comments though about if you were the one to push them away. Will they REALLY realise what they lost, if things got pretty bad?
I just keep having these horrible feelings that everything is my fault. I know it’s probably not entirely, but I definitely made a lot of mistakes which I’m working on. I think my ex is gone for good but I want the chance to heal things between us. I do know there was a real connection and a true love there, once.
I’m letting go. It’s definitely a process. But I keep getting stuck on the ‘it’s my fault and they’ll find someone better because I’m horrible’ feeling. If you or any other readers on here have advice on that it would be great.
Hi Jen – I just spend the last 2 days reading your blogs on your ex and how you got him back and I know I need to let go – I also know you are not going to strategize on how to get an ex back. I would love to give a brief overview of my situation and get your thoughts or input…I totally respect you moving on from this topic but saw you responded to a few others and figured i’d ask before diving in 🙂
Thank you so much for your time in writing these blogs. It has really brought comfort and ease.
You’re welcome to dive in here but it doesn’t mean that I’ll answer (other commenters may however). I just saw your other comment — I’m not accepting emails anymore. Sorry! The truth is that everyone thinks their situation is unique — but it’s never about circumstances or how the breakup happened. Hanging on is never the answer because hanging on keeps the power out of balance, which is why he won’t come back (or even if he does, he won’t STAY back). Only once you let go, suffer through this, and regain your power, would reconciling with him have any effect.
I wish you the best, truly. ❤
Forgot to click to notify me of new comments! (sorry)
I came across this blog fairly late (only a couple of weeks ago!) and want to thank you for writing such an honest and clear account detailing everything that happened. I read everything from strategizing, playing mind games, to being honest and open, and none resonated with me as much as this blog. It’s not that I don’t think those other sites work or don’t work, it’s just that for me personally, I don’t ever want to try so hard to manipulate someone into being with me. And I think learning to let go for true love in whatever form to come to you is the best advice anyone can give. The fact that the advice came from someone who went through the process and can relate without an agenda is also compelling. I’m such a logical, step-by-step person, that timelines and accounts you gave from your perspective and also C’s have been really helpful as well, I’m always curious to know what the men are thinking! 🙂
For my part, I was in a (almost 3 year) relationship with my current ex (4 months into breakup) that’s sort of on and off. As much as I wanted more commitment, I don’t think he was ready to give it, so I ended up leaving him last September. It’s been an issue for a while, since I’m definitely a relationship person, and I think he’s more scared of commitment and the idea of marriage. I don’t doubt that he and I are very compatible (but I believe in compatibility with lots of people!), and that who knows, we could be together at some point, but I also know that I need to heal, move on, and be ready for a love that I really want.
Sometimes I’m tempted to comment on here and ask, what does he mean? Why did he say these things? And I’ve been there too, but I think I’m far enough along that it doesn’t really matter! He said this, or he meant that, but at the end of the day if he wants you, he’ll make it known, so until then I want to move on.
Thanks again for this blog, and so many congratulations on your happy marriage and beautiful baby!
I don’t know exactly what he’s said to you, but if a man says something cryptic, it usually means he wants to keep you hanging on unless he finds something better.
When a guy wants to be done, he is DONE. There is no wondering. I remember asking C, “But don’t you love me?” And he very plainly said, “Not enough.”
Likewise, if he wants to be with you, you’d KNOW. So anything wishy washy, anything that’s vague…it’s almost always to sort of keep you dangling there in case he wants you again.
And you know what? F*ck that. I hate that behavior in anyone.
Good for you for breaking it off and hopefully he gets his head on straight. And if he doesn’t, 100% his loss.
Men aren’t afraid of commitment, they’re afraid of being trapped in case something better comes along. And that mindset is intolerable to me.
When they realize you’re worth it, they bang down the door to get to you. That’s what C did. Literally wouldn’t leave me alone and I kept him hanging on, just like he’d done to me, for months. Till I knew he meant it. But I’m one of the rare ones; it doesn’t usually happen like that.
Find someone who will break down the door for you. You’re worth that and more.
Thanks so much for responding! I wasn’t expecting one as I know you said you don’t respond to comments any more 🙂 I wanted to mostly thank you for your insights. 🙂
I definitely agree, and I told him so as much before, that if he wanted to step up, I knew he was up for it. And I know that as much as we love each other, you can’t make someone commit if they don’t want to! He kept messaging me and wanting to meet up when I ended it with him, but I’ve resisted seeing him in the last 4 months because I want him to know that this breakup is different, that I’m not willing to be in limbo any more. It’s hard for me to not respond to him when he messages me (I feel guilty even though I shouldn’t) but I’m working towards that as well.
It’s a hard pill to swallow that you can love someone and not have it not work out, so I’m practicing letting go of a relationship that didn’t work, and hopefully opening my door for something better, in whatever form.
I love that you’re so honest with your readers and so thoughtful, thank you again, I’m still reading through some of the comments because they’re really helpful in providing perspective!
Hello 🙂 Wow this blog has helped more then anything I have googled!! Haha
Try to keep short. I know hearing advice from someone always helps. My ex & I dated for 6 months before we decided to take a break. We got serious really fast – said I love you at 3 months .. we need we wanted to spend forever together & talked about it all the time. I have 2 children who he fell in love with & knew he wanted to be their dad. We are young .. 26&27. He has single friends .. I know he is honest with me & the break was because he got scared things were moving fast & we would be engaged soon. I got really needy after this thinking I was losing him we continued to talk everyday .. which wasn’t a break. We started to argue a lot so about a month ago we called things quit .. he said he couldn’t do this anymore . I went straight into no contact .. & broke it almost at a month. I had hoped he was doing well .. He told me he had a dream with me in it where I was flirting with another guy where he could see & he woke up pissed off . Mixed message. Then he texted me after I posted a selfie online .. asking why I was doing that .. I replied why does it matter .. he said I guess it doesn’t my bad. We planned to see each but a day before he got really cold & distant again. He went from acting happy towards me to angry & said he didn’t think it was a good idea .. this made me go into chase mode again for a day .. until that night he said I think it might be best if you moved on from me .. I don’t see us being together again. I feel like things were going to go in the same direction as he’s never told me to move on. I do think me having children is a lot for him too (he lives with a buddy & they are all single) but I think he is more ready then he thinks
What does it mean when a guy acts really angry? Unsettled feelings? .
I’m ready to let go. My gut tells me he is the one .. it may be months .. & after we’ve both gone out with other people but still.
New reader of your blog here and I have to say, you have a wonderful gift in guiding people through one of the most painful experiences we go through in life. You may choose not to answer this, which I would totally understand, but I have a simple question. Did you post your own experience to the Secret Stories website? I found a post with details that are eerily similar to your story, and I’m just curious if it was you. Thank you for showing us all that there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Yes that was me! I wrote that a long, long time ago though. I thought they never published it! Good to know it’s out there for someone to read!