Small Life, Slow Life: I Honestly Don’t Care If You Get Your Ex Back.

EXTHEREDONTCARE

*drops mic and walks off*

Seriously, though. I don’t care.

I don’t care if my advice in this post helps you. I don’t care if you write me a whole novel or send me an email, detailing every last bit of the whole entire story. (In fact, please don’t do that.)

I don’t care if you pour your heart out to me; I don’t care if I’m your last hope. I don’t care if your ex comes running back into your arms and it’s everything you’ve ever hoped for. I don’t care if you get married and travel off into the sunset together.

I. Don’t. Give. A. Shit.

And that’s the truth.

Sounds harsh? It is. And I mean it.

But here’s what I DO care about:

I care that you learn how to heal yourself. I care that you realize that you’re humiliating yourself and puking up your self esteem into the toilet, and you decide to change that.

I care that you understand that NO person dictates your happiness and NO person has the right to make you feel so shitty.

I care that you learn how to say “FUCK YOU” to any person who doesn’t think you’re worth a damn. I care that you block their number, delete them as a friend and turn your Instagram to private.

I care that you find a therapist to help you through this hard time. I care that you apologize to your friends and co-workers for how toxic you’ve been about your ex.

I care that you say YES to a date possibly two months before you’re ready and that even though it feels weird, that you feel tiny butterflies when he/she kisses your cheek. I care that you may start to realize that YES, it might be possible for you to eventually fall in love with someone else.

I care that you get so sick of crying alone at home that you go have a drink with your co-workers, or take a spin class with friends you haven’t been seeing enough of, or get a small heart tattoo on your hip to remind you that the deepest, most healing love travels from YOU to YOU.

I care that you box up all of his/her stuff and donate it to Goodwill. Or throw it out.

I care that you take a piece of printer paper and write a new declaration for yourself and tape it on your fridge. I care that the first sentence says, “The most important name in the world is my own, and I won’t say ___________’s name anymore. Ever.”

I care that you adopt a puppy/kitten to love, even though it’s probably a bad idea. I care that your puppy/kitten makes you feel lovable again, because you fucking are.

I care that you remember a time you were happy before, and dream of a time you can be happy again.

Because you can.

That, my friends, is what I care about.

And I hope that eventually, that’s what you’ll care about too.

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Guys, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t help you get your ex back. Because I don’t CARE if you get your ex back!

Now don’t get all bent out of shape, because what I DO care about is YOU.

I think about you, I talk about you to my husband, I ask my friends about you. I care about you, each and every one of you, and I am so humbled by how many of you have written to me asking me for help.

But you’re asking me for help with the wrong thing!

I don’t WANT to teach you to manipulate your ex into coming back. I don’t want to strategize with you over what games to play with your ex. I don’t want that, and I get VERY annoyed when that’s what you ask me 100 different ways.

What DO I want to help you with?

Healing. Compassion. Learning how to get through it. The especially hard days. How to forget your ex, and more importantly, how to FORGIVE your ex.

That’s what I want. That’s what I care about.

I care about YOU. Not him/her. Not your relationship. Not the details. Not the last time they contacted you.

You, and just you.

And if by healing yourself, you get him/her back, GREAT. That really is great, and I mean it. (When you heal yourself, your ex usually comes back as a side result. Truth.) But is that how I determine if I’ve been successful in the advice I’ve given you?

NO.

What makes me feel best is when you write to me and say:

I let it go.

I feel happy again.

I don’t know what happened, but something you said helped and I feel better.

When I hear that, I feel relieved. Because what I care about most is your happiness. Not your ex.

I hope you’ll understand, and that we can still be friends. ❤

Love, Jen

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36 thoughts on “Small Life, Slow Life: I Honestly Don’t Care If You Get Your Ex Back.

  1. Pingback: Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.) | small life, slow life

  2. Thank you and Amen to that 🙂
    After the comments on your post about the engagement ring, this is what I wrote to myself on my journal two days ago :

    “It feels sick to feel so bad all the time. I am not one of those people who hangs around waiting for anyone. Why the f*#k should I be this way ? Whether the world loves/likes/dates/marries/sleeps with that person is none of my business. Mine is just to get my act together, behave my worth and get my life back. However tough it is, it will reward me most certainly. I’m a great girl and I deserve love for myself and from everyone, and I don’t care if someone can’t see it. I’ll find amazing people who will.”

  3. Very well written! The fact that you take the time out of your day to reply to everyone is absolutely amazing. I am beyond grateful for you & your posts. ( & hopefully everyone else you have helped!) You are an amazing writer & person.
    xoxo
    Alexis

  4. I commented on another of your articles before this, but that’s basically what I said. I’ve been wallowing in bed for two days crying over a breakup, and your words are the first to make sense to me. You say a lot of things similar to other blogs, but for reason, YOUR words hit home with me. I LOVE this article because of how passionate you are that women understand their worth and don’t give a fuck about what he’s thinking, or about why he left, or what’s wrong with them, or how can they pretend to be confident long enough to get him back, what games they can play to get him back and get their power back. I can only control me, and it’s a huge comfort that I know exactly how to paper myself and treat myself well – I don’t have to sit around and wait for someone to do it for me. Total Mic drop for you!

  5. Hi Jennifer, i’m so happy you finally write this post. I have read the other posts about how your ex came back when you decided that you deserve to be happy and to let go.

    My ex and I broke up 3 months ago and 2 months of no-contact today. No cheating, no big fight. He basically wanted his freedom while I wanted marriage. He is the love of my life and will always be.

    I started going out more often, go to the gym, paint, read, meditate and went on vacation. Nothing works really. For a few days or weeks I would feel good and not think about it. Then, some days I would cry, feel sad and miss him.

    All I want is to be happy, to let go, to heal, to stop crying, to be able to enjoy great moments with my friends and family.

    Please I need your advices on how to let go and be happy with myself.

    Thank you!

    • I would challenge you on the “He’s the love of my life and will always be.” Be open to the fact that you can experience great love, and even greater love than you can imagine, in the future.

      The crying and misery is part of the healing process. Time is an element in all of this and unfortunately there is no shortcut around the crying, sadness, and hopelessness. That said, if you keep going to the gym, meditating, reading and painting…the sadness will start to slowly transform into something else. I was REALLY sad for four long months and still sad sometimes until the six month mark. But around four months, something snapped into place and I really started feeling better. Just understand that it takes some time but that your suffering WILL NOT go on forever. I promise. You’ll get there! xoxo Jen

  6. Hi!
    I’ve never commented on this before but did send you an email…doing exactly what you just wrote not to do!

    At the time that made sense but after reading your latest post I now understand the issue with that

    Thank you so much for writing this, it was the final thing I needed to finally let go….although sometimes I wonder if I really have let go when she’s croses my mind etc but the pain has gone and with constant exercising and positive thinking I feel better than I thought I could
    I don’t quite know what it means to let go other than to just keep moving forward and placing value on myself

    Thank you so much for your writing, it has truly played a huge part and I’m sure will continue to do so as you continue to write
    I may not be out of the woods completely but grateful to not be where I used to be

    Thanks again, hope you’re well

    Serge

    • Hi Serge!

      Don’t worry. 🙂 Many people email me. Most people think their breakups are really unique, but in reality most breakups are really similar. Also, it helps people to tell the story with all of the details many times; it helps the healing process.

      Letting go is truly moving forward and placing value on yourself — you’re exactly right. Exercise is also a huge tool to transfer some of those negative emotions to something that feels more powerful.

      You’re doing great. Keep it up! 🙂
      Jen

  7. Hi Jen,

    Thank you so much for this! I’ve been reading your blog as if it were the break up bible! After 3 long months I’ve finally let my ex go. It feels so good. 🙂 I can’t believe I let him weight me down for so long. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I had long nights of crying and self doubt. But your words got me through those really rough times. Thank you again for everything!

    I wish nothing but the best for you and C.

    • Thank you Vee! And I know that nothing but the best is headed your way too. Breakups are some of the most challenging, difficult, gut-wrenching experiences life throws our way…but we always come out even more beautiful on the other side. ❤️

  8. Hello!
    I just wanted to drop by and say thank you. I’ve been reading your blog posts as of lately and they give me so much strength.

    I’ve finally had the courage to donated everything he gave me. I decided that it was truly a gift to me before and now it’s time for these things to someone else’s special gifts.

    I’ve decided that I deserve the best kind of love, even if it isn’t him. I really thought he was the one but now I know, the one might not be him and that’s totally okay.

    I’m still young and I have so much ahead of me. Thank you for your blog. It truly inspired me to move forward.

    • Congrats on having the courage to donate his things. I know that’s not easy. And you couldn’t have said it better: you ABSOLUTELY deserve the best kind of love!!!

      Wishing you healing + so much happiness,
      Jen

  9. Jen, I just wanted to say thank you. I came across your blog a few weeks ago, about 3 months after things ended with my guy. I was already on my way, but you put into words what I couldn’t myself. And that helped. Because everything else out there is some strategy to get the guy back, and I had already been down that road last year. It doesn’t work, it doesn’t last. It’s not that I’ll never think of him again, but I know it’s over and I’m moving on. Today, I ran into him for the first time in a while and afterwards I finally deleted his number from my phone. It felt like the last string, and now it’s been cut. So much more than wanting HIM, I want a love that will rock my world. And I think it’s out there.

  10. hi after 5 year he brok uo with me i suffer lot for three month not contact him after this period he contact me and want me back then he suddnly block me on his what up and SMS i feel that i stabbed in my heart and start crying again why this happen to me why he humaleted me and why i should accepted that then i read your post the word touch my heart and i feel that the correct way i have to go on on my live i deserve true love and respect
    my door is open who loves me he or she come to me i well not chase aby one any more

  11. Uuuuuuum….in all the years that I’ve been reading blogs and posts, this was the VERY VERY best entry about what real love is that I have ever read. A dose of tough love, but so pure and genuine. This is definitely a *drops the mic* post and I want to thank you for sharing your TRUE love with all of us. Keep shining and thank you for allowing us to bask in the light!

    Love yourselves, people!!! It only helps to make the world a MUCH better place!

  12. Pingback: Small Life, Slow Life: Five Cool Rituals to Help You Let Go. | small life, slow life

  13. Something that helped me tremendously after my most recent breakup was Reiki. After 4 sessions my energy has been completely reorganized and I feel like I am finally on solid ground again. My sense of self has returned ten fold… Reiki helped to speed the process
    of getting ME back.
    For anyone just starting the healing process: take Jen’s advice seriously! And if you have a Reiki practitioner near by, give it an honest try. When your ex comes back, you won’t want them… and that is the most magical feeling of all.
    Have you ever tried Reiki? Thanks for everything!

    • Oh wow, this is great! I’ve had one Reiki session…I used to work in a holistic doctor’s office and the sweetest Reiki practioner shared the space. It was indeed magical! This is great advice, thank you!

  14. God bless you
    your words are so strong and clear that they made up my day.
    I was in a short and complicated relationship with a girl that at 90th day she said to me that she does not love me and I have to go live my life and I was in love with her and she was so busy with herself that she did not even see what I have done to her to be healed and fresh to start a new life !!!!!
    she broke my heart and the last time I saw her was ice cold to me
    now I know more than any moment that even when I want her back I have to heal and progress myself without thinking on her.
    I had too many question in mind why would she so easily saying to me that she was not in love with me anymore and she did not even give me a damn reason !
    I could not sleep well, could not eat well . I lost 14 pound in 2 weeks 😦
    just for nothing. I lost my selfesteem and cried like a child, I was angry I was worried.
    now more than any moment I have to let her go.
    your words were strong and made me strong again.
    thank you so much

  15. Hi Jen,
    I came across your blog about 3 weeks ago, when (for the second time in a row!) I was desperately looking for advice on how to get over a break up. I have to say, like many other readers here, that I haven’t found a more comforting place on the web, with such inspiring and truly heartfelt words for heartbroken people. My experience seems to be very similar to yours, and to apparently many other girls’: Everything seemed to be great, he had asked me to marry him, we were extremely happy, and just 2-3 months later, as we were looking for a place to stay, all of a sudden, he broke it off. The worst of all was that he did it in a very mean and hurtful way- over the phone and Facebook (he said he couldn’t stand to face me!). Btw, we are both 35 years old, so there are no big excuses for being immature or too young. Anyway, thanks so much for your wonderful and uplifting blog and it’s really wonderful to see that so many people from many different countries can get inspired by it. 🙂 Be happy 🙂

    • I’m so sorry to hear that he left in such a hurtful way. 💔 I wish I didn’t understand, but I do. If I could, I’d give you a crystal ball so you could see that in 12 months, you will actually be so grateful that this happened. It is the best thing (even though it feels like the worst).

      Try yoga. I work for a yoga company and I’m STILL not great at it, but it’s so useful for releasing pain. Thinking of you. ❤️

  16. I have been doing my best to let go but today through mutual friends I heard my ex is basically back with his ex (before me). This is good in the sense that it allows me to see that I really have to let go. Why would I want to be with a guy who did that? But it also hurts and makes me hate him a little (He told me many times he wouldn’t go back with her). How do I use these feelings to let go? And how to I let go of the anger and hate I feel right now? I feel like a fool too! I just want to be with someone who loves me and knows I’m worth it and worth fighting for, no matter how tough life gets! Any advice to aid in my healing would be amazing! Many many thanks! 💜

    • Hi Sally,

      I wrote a whole post on letting go that I would recommend checking out, and there are millions of links on the internet and some great books, so if you’re truly committed to letting go, I would recommend looking into all of those and doing everything you can to sever your connection to your ex. It is possible. It will take time and it is hard work, but it is possible and you will never feel more free. Joy is your birthright and you will gain it again. Once you get through this, you will be happier than ever because you will truly know that you can survive anything. You hear this over and over from people whose hearts have been shattered…even people who have been through divorces later in life later on find a beautiful joy that is irreplaceable. It will happen for you; it is inevitable. Hang in there. ❤

  17. Jennifer,

    I want to extend a really sincere thank you.

    My name’s Lydia and I’m new to your blog. I’m 18 and I’m about to graduate from high school in June. I’m hoping to go into musical theater and I just finished college auditions.

    I’ve struggled a lot with self-harm, low self esteem and an anxiety disorder. Last summer I went to Carnegie Mellon for a musical theater intensive and had an incredible time. I started dating someone and it was my first healthy relationship. Because the intensive was structured in a way to put a freshman college experience into 6 weeks, my ex and I spent tons of time together. We lived just three floors apart and shared every meal. I’m from Wisco and he was from Cali, so we tried to make a long distance relationship work but he ended up breaking up with me.

    It was really hard and once I finally moved on, another guy really hurt my feelings. After that I asked my ex for his perspective. He made me feel so much better but I also began to get attached to him again.

    I have no idea where I’m going to school and no idea where he’s going. I was hoping we could end up in the same area or school, but I’ve been working on myself and my future. I have a wonderful new therapist and some incredible, loyal and supportive friends. They’ve all encouraged me to embrace myself and focus on me, and finding your blog was also really helpful. I’m still struggling with my breakup (even though it was six months ago and a relatively short relationship), school and dealing with my problems, but hearing perspectives like yours really helps. You’re such a positive and awesome spirit.

    Congrats on the pregnancy too by the way!

    ありがとうございます!

  18. Hey!

    I don’t take personal emails anymore, only because I don’t have the time to thoughtfully reply. That, and too many people got my email in the past and I was drowning in emails! But I’d love to stay updated with you if you feel like swinging by and leaving a comment once in a while!

  19. Hey Jennifer, I hope you and your family are well. I’ve been silently lurking on this site on and off for a few months now and I am so thankful your voice is on the net in the form of this article and the ones you have published on exes and moving on. I cant tell you how many times rereading them has given me hope, enabled me to hold on longer on the ride that is this journey after heartache, to rebuilding myself slowly and remembering that I am the most important person in my life. It has been a loong time and I havent completely healed yet but I am optimistic the day will come soon. Thank you for sharing this and throughout my journey it really feels like I am becoming your friend somehow. That your voice is always there giving loving advice. Sending you lots of love and light.

  20. Ure blog gives me hope
    I do want to to take care of me
    I do want to love myself
    I do want to let go
    I do want to fall in love again… Or atleast I’m trying
    But yes theres a but. I realy dont know how
    Its like I’m all dead inside.
    Im only 24
    I know im good looking and have a nice figure
    And i know it all are on the outside
    Inside im empty
    Like he was the only thing that could fill me up
    Ok! Its my own job to fill this emptiness
    But how? Can u tell me? Can u help me? I dont know what to do!

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