I realized something important about myself about three years ago, and it has become a kind of talisman that I touch when I need a reminder to trust myself. It guides me when I’m lost in the woods about a decision. It nudges me on when I’m afraid to take a risk. And it calms … Continue reading
Lately, a lot more of you have been commenting, which I love. I love to hear from you. And my heart is just absolutely been going out to those of you who are having a terrible time during such a terrible time. This is a horrible time to lose someone, to be jobless, to be … Continue reading
Can I accept even this?The crepe-like skin that has appeared on my neck in the last twelve months, visible from any angle, in any light, but definitely at its worst when I turn my head. Can I be at peace with even this?The veins on my hands, shaped like oak branches, becoming three-dimensional. Can I … Continue reading
I see the discarded pregnancy tests in the trash as I toss in a tampon wrapper. These unlikely plastic adversaries sit beside each other: one a symbol of hope, the other of failure. Immediately, I think, Ugh, I’ll take the trash out so I don’t have to look at those. Then, correcting myself, I think, … Continue reading
We’re at the very end of December, arguably my favorite time of year. The special padding of time between Christmas and New Year’s always feels like a bonus week that moves extra slow. I really savor it. I spent most of December working & baking. I really thought this holiday season would be different because … Continue reading
We did! Trust me, I’m just as shocked as you are! It was not in our plans to buy a house. In fact, I can be a little commitment-phobic, and would have probably been content to rent forever. (The knowledge that I could always break a lease and thus escape is very appealing to me.) … Continue reading
Most days, there’s a film of normalcy, a delicate and transparent layer atop my life. If I don’t mess with it, as long as I don’t peel it back to examine, then all will stay contained, keeping that dark liquid sloshing around the bowl from seeping out. But give me a cloudy morning alone, moody … Continue reading
We’re in the eighth week of “Shelter in Place,” here in Los Angeles. I’m still employed + working from home, surprisingly almost as much as I was working before everything closed — but even still, an influx of time has been deposited into my life. During these weeks, I’ve painted with my daughter. We’ve filled … Continue reading
I’ve been playing one song so much that V has begun requesting it. “Mommy, wanna hear ‘Handbreaker’.” (The song is called “Dealbreaker.”) When I’m alone in my car, it’s the first place I go. I find the vein (turn it up), insert the blade (let the words remind me), and sigh with relief as the … Continue reading
You might as well be the very sky itself, for how you hang over me. The other day I went crazy searching for the Rilke poem, which took me hours to find. But I knew, in that shadowy-sense when you can only remember small parts of something, that it described exactly how I feel: There … Continue reading
