All of this means nothing.

All of this means nothing.

I’ve been playing one song so much that V has begun requesting it. “Mommy, wanna hear ‘Handbreaker’.” (The song is called “Dealbreaker.”) When I’m alone in my car, it’s the first place I go. I find the vein (turn it up), insert the blade (let the words remind me), and sigh with relief as the … Continue reading

Betrayed.

Betrayed.

The last time I bled, you were alive. When we got the news, my body, paralyzed by loss, stopped mid-cycle. When they took you away five days later, things continued where they’d left off, as though my body had simply pressed pause. Almost exactly a month later now, I bleed again. I felt the shock … Continue reading

A remnant of you.

A remnant of you.

I am thick with the smell of death. Yours, and everyone who was on your floor. All of these doorways I’ve passed through, all of these corridors, all of these beds wheeled by, all of these people grieving around me. It didn’t stop me, on the last day, from kissing your forehead as often as … Continue reading

Small Life, Slow Life: It took a fire.

Small Life, Slow Life: It took a fire.

You might have heard that fires are raging through Southern California again. While they aren’t close to us this time, the wind blew all of the smoke and ash here, and, long story short, both C’s gym and my store have been closed for two days due to poor air quality. And it’s not like … Continue reading

Small Life, Slow Life: Evaporating Color.

Small Life, Slow Life: Evaporating Color.

The truth is, since I stepped into my new role, I haven’t written a single word. (Well, that is, other than work emails and business recaps and community plans.) I did all that work last year clearing out the channel, scrubbing off the rust and corrosion, wrote 100 days in a row and then some…and … Continue reading

Small Life, Slow Life, The Luxury of Grief.

Small Life, Slow Life, The Luxury of Grief.

Do you remember when you had the luxury of grief? You were allowed the space to be fully devastated. You could call into work, *cough cough* into the phone, tell your boss that no, you weren’t feeling better. You could use up your whole sick time you’d accrued in the fetal position, tangled in sheets, … Continue reading

Small Life, Slow Life: The Lapse.

Small Life, Slow Life: The Lapse.

It’s hard to believe that almost two months have slipped by. When I transferred stores in February, I told people, “I’m not going to make any decisions for thirty days. I’ll observe, and listen a lot, but no big decisions for thirty days.” In the one therapy session I’ve had in the last eight weeks, … Continue reading