Acceptance.

Acceptance.

Can I accept even this?The crepe-like skin that has appeared on my neck in the last twelve months, visible from any angle, in any light, but definitely at its worst when I turn my head. Can I be at peace with even this?The veins on my hands, shaped like oak branches, becoming three-dimensional. Can I … Continue reading

Face it.

Face it.

I see the discarded pregnancy tests in the trash as I toss in a tampon wrapper. These unlikely plastic adversaries sit beside each other: one a symbol of hope, the other of failure. Immediately, I think, Ugh, I’ll take the trash out so I don’t have to look at those. Then, correcting myself, I think, … Continue reading

A small & slow holiday season.

A small & slow holiday season.

We’re at the very end of December, arguably my favorite time of year. The special padding of time between Christmas and New Year’s always feels like a bonus week that moves extra slow. I really savor it. I spent most of December working & baking. I really thought this holiday season would be different because … Continue reading

Hey December / Guess I’m feeling unmoored.

Most days, there’s a film of normalcy, a delicate and transparent layer atop my life. If I don’t mess with it, as long as I don’t peel it back to examine, then all will stay contained, keeping that dark liquid sloshing around the bowl from seeping out. But give me a cloudy morning alone, moody … Continue reading

All of this means nothing.

All of this means nothing.

I’ve been playing one song so much that V has begun requesting it. “Mommy, wanna hear ‘Handbreaker’.” (The song is called “Dealbreaker.”) When I’m alone in my car, it’s the first place I go. I find the vein (turn it up), insert the blade (let the words remind me), and sigh with relief as the … Continue reading