Most days, there’s a film of normalcy, a delicate and transparent layer atop my life. If I don’t mess with it, as long as I don’t peel it back to examine, then all will stay contained, keeping that dark liquid sloshing around the bowl from seeping out. But give me a cloudy morning alone, moody … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life: What happened when I actually slowed down.
We’re in the eighth week of “Shelter in Place,” here in Los Angeles. I’m still employed + working from home, surprisingly almost as much as I was working before everything closed — but even still, an influx of time has been deposited into my life. During these weeks, I’ve painted with my daughter. We’ve filled … Continue reading
All of this means nothing.
I’ve been playing one song so much that V has begun requesting it. “Mommy, wanna hear ‘Handbreaker’.” (The song is called “Dealbreaker.”) When I’m alone in my car, it’s the first place I go. I find the vein (turn it up), insert the blade (let the words remind me), and sigh with relief as the … Continue reading
When I let go of you, I hold on to you everywhere.
You might as well be the very sky itself, for how you hang over me. The other day I went crazy searching for the Rilke poem, which took me hours to find. But I knew, in that shadowy-sense when you can only remember small parts of something, that it described exactly how I feel: There … Continue reading
Betrayed.
The last time I bled, you were alive. When we got the news, my body, paralyzed by loss, stopped mid-cycle. When they took you away five days later, things continued where they’d left off, as though my body had simply pressed pause. Almost exactly a month later now, I bleed again. I felt the shock … Continue reading
A remnant of you.
I am thick with the smell of death. Yours, and everyone who was on your floor. All of these doorways I’ve passed through, all of these corridors, all of these beds wheeled by, all of these people grieving around me. It didn’t stop me, on the last day, from kissing your forehead as often as … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life: It took a fire.
You might have heard that fires are raging through Southern California again. While they aren’t close to us this time, the wind blew all of the smoke and ash here, and, long story short, both C’s gym and my store have been closed for two days due to poor air quality. And it’s not like … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life: Experiences over things.
(Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into a Disneyland blog.) I had the best time with V at Disneyland last week, and ever since I’ve been talking to all of my coworkers about buying an annual pass. “But the cost,” I moaned. “And even if you get the cheaper pass, parking is $25 per trip. So … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life: A Special Mom & Daughter Disney Date!
I was gone on a work trip last week, and V had a really hard time with me being away. On Sunday night, I said to C, “I think I’ll take her to Disneyland tomorrow.” “Really?” he said. “By yourself? Isn’t it super expensive?” “She’s only free a little while longer.” As luck would have … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life: Evaporating Color.
The truth is, since I stepped into my new role, I haven’t written a single word. (Well, that is, other than work emails and business recaps and community plans.) I did all that work last year clearing out the channel, scrubbing off the rust and corrosion, wrote 100 days in a row and then some…and … Continue reading
small life, slow life 