I’ve been playing one song so much that V has begun requesting it. “Mommy, wanna hear ‘Handbreaker’.” (The song is called “Dealbreaker.”) When I’m alone in my car, it’s the first place I go. I find the vein (turn it up), insert the blade (let the words remind me), and sigh with relief as the … Continue reading
You might as well be the very sky itself, for how you hang over me. The other day I went crazy searching for the Rilke poem, which took me hours to find. But I knew, in that shadowy-sense when you can only remember small parts of something, that it described exactly how I feel: There … Continue reading
The last time I bled, you were alive. When we got the news, my body, paralyzed by loss, stopped mid-cycle. When they took you away five days later, things continued where they’d left off, as though my body had simply pressed pause. Almost exactly a month later now, I bleed again. I felt the shock … Continue reading
I am thick with the smell of death. Yours, and everyone who was on your floor. All of these doorways I’ve passed through, all of these corridors, all of these beds wheeled by, all of these people grieving around me. It didn’t stop me, on the last day, from kissing your forehead as often as … Continue reading
You might have heard that fires are raging through Southern California again. While they aren’t close to us this time, the wind blew all of the smoke and ash here, and, long story short, both C’s gym and my store have been closed for two days due to poor air quality. And it’s not like … Continue reading
(Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into a Disneyland blog.) I had the best time with V at Disneyland last week, and ever since I’ve been talking to all of my coworkers about buying an annual pass. “But the cost,” I moaned. “And even if you get the cheaper pass, parking is $25 per trip. So … Continue reading
I was gone on a work trip last week, and V had a really hard time with me being away. On Sunday night, I said to C, “I think I’ll take her to Disneyland tomorrow.” “Really?” he said. “By yourself? Isn’t it super expensive?” “She’s only free a little while longer.” As luck would have … Continue reading
The truth is, since I stepped into my new role, I haven’t written a single word. (Well, that is, other than work emails and business recaps and community plans.) I did all that work last year clearing out the channel, scrubbing off the rust and corrosion, wrote 100 days in a row and then some…and … Continue reading
Do you remember when you had the luxury of grief? You were allowed the space to be fully devastated. You could call into work, *cough cough* into the phone, tell your boss that no, you weren’t feeling better. You could use up your whole sick time you’d accrued in the fetal position, tangled in sheets, … Continue reading
It’s hard to believe that almost two months have slipped by. When I transferred stores in February, I told people, “I’m not going to make any decisions for thirty days. I’ll observe, and listen a lot, but no big decisions for thirty days.” In the one therapy session I’ve had in the last eight weeks, … Continue reading
small life, slow life 