My sister and I went to a Taylor Swift concert on Tuesday.
Everyone starts out wanting to hate Taylor Swift, me included, a few years ago. And if you still hate her, you clearly don’t know enough about her…because she is generous, she is dorky, she is kind, and she has a way of translating pain into words that heals people.
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean
I started liking Taylor Swift when I lived in Japan and I was getting over a heartbreak. I stumbled across the song “If This Was a Movie” and I was struck by how many times I’d felt that exact same way.
When C and I broke up, her Red album saved my life. Seriously. I listened to it nonstop for like 3 months and even considered burning a copy and leaving it on his doorstep.
And I don’t need to tell you about how 1989 has been celebrated everywhere. Because if you don’t know that, I really hope you’re loving that rock you’re living under.
So what does Taylor Swift know about pain?
Pain will engulf you. It will break you. You will hate it.
It’s unavoidable. It’s human nature to resist it, but pain cannot be resisted. And, happy surprise, just because you’ve had heartbreak in the past doesn’t mean that future heartbreak gets easier. It just means you’ll know ahead of time exactly what you’re in for. When my parents split up last year, I cried to my husband, saying, “I know how long this is going to take! I know how sad I’m going to be! And there’s no getting away from it!” I was right.
Pain will take a tremendous amount of energy. It will suck you dry, and it will change you.
Pain has this way of doing what meditation often fails to: it will keep you, excruciatingly so, in the present moment. Second by second. Is the clock broken? Because it will seem like it. Three months will feel like three years. You will wonder if you’ll ever be happy again. Walking to your car will feel like climbing uphill. Pain will suck you dry; you’ll know you need to sleep but you won’t be able to, and you’ll sleepwalk through your life.
But slowly, your pain will change you. You’ll find yourself oddly more compassionate toward others. Small acts of kindness will move you beyond belief. You’ll be able to look people in the eye more than you ever could before, because you have nothing to lose and there’s nothing left to hide…and when you look people in the eye like that, you will actually truly see them for the first time.
And when the first laugh explodes out of you, you will feel like you’ve never felt anything as deep. It will be nothing like those hollow laughs of the past.
You will find that you are starting to be different. You will wonder why.
Pain will leave you. It will slip out the door unnoticed. And you will thank it.
Just when you think you can’t take another moment, something will snap. Something will reverse, let go, retreat. And you’ll be able to breathe, just a little. Those moments will come more and more often. And then, one day, you’ll look back and realize you had a good week. And then a good month. And suddenly, you’ll realize you’re over it and you don’t even know when that happened, exactly.
But you WILL know that it happened. And you will know that you’re different. Remember those days you thought you’d never be happy again? You will discover that you’re wrong and that you’re actually happier than before. (It’s called post traumatic growth and I’m kind of obsessed with it lately.) All that pain hollowed you out and you now have more space for joy than you ever had before.
But it’ll go beyond that. You’ll forgive easier. Laugh harder. And you’ll be able to spot someone suffering from a mile away, and you will have the urge to comfort them.
Please, comfort them.
People will come to you because they’ll see that you’ve been through some sh!t and that you successfully got through it. They’ll ask for your advice, and they’ll lean on you.
Please, let them lean on you.
I came across this Taylor Swift quote that’s been going totally viral and I thought, “Damn, that girl knows a LOT about pain.”
“Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that’s even worse. When you have bad days that just won’t let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are and what you are not. You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. You are a product of the lessons that you’ve learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible. And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I now believe that pain makes you stronger and I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean.”
I couldn’t agree more. For all the grief, loss, drama and sadness I’ve experienced, you would think I’m a hot mess of issues. But actually, as I keep going, I am stronger. Truer. Purer. I am not the giant mess I was in my twenties. I, too, am clean. And you will be too.
This will not destroy you. You are not wrecked. People won’t smell it on you and stay away. It’s the opposite! This will allow you to get closer to people than you ever imagined. This pain is a scalpel that is cutting an infection out of you. YES, it hurts; YES, it’s unbearable — but once it’s done, you will be free.
And you will be so thankful for that pain, once it’s gone. You will tell people, “I hated it, it broke me. But it changed me, and I’d go through it all again in a second. I’m so grateful it happened.”
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
first, the hardship
must break you –
it will make you.
At the end of her concert on Tuesday, these words appeared on the screen:
I feel the same. You will too.
This was a beautiful post. I really feel it now. After 4 months of excruciating pain and hurt, I feel free. I feel better, happier, and definitely stronger. I really understand why the break up to happen and I am perfectly content if he doesn’t come back because life will bring me better things. And I’m grateful that the break up happened. I’ve learned so much about life and mostly myself. I feel free.
Thank you for sharing this Kelly! So beautifully said. I know exactly what you mean. ❤️
My ex messaged me asking to catch up. He didn’t say anything about reuniting though so I needed to decline. It broke my heart to decline but I knew that if I said yes, I would leave the meeting a bigger mess than I have been and I have been working so hard on myself and am not ready to give all that up just because he now thinks it’s a good time to meet up. Why do guys think they can leave and come back into our lives so nonchalantly?
Part of me feels like I lost any chance of being with him but the other part of me is so proud of myself for putting myself first.
You didn’t lose a chance. You did the exact right thing and I’m proud of you. If anything, you saying no communicates to him that you’re valuable.
The true secret is that they must think they’ve lost you to understand they’ve made a mistake. By the time my ex came back, I was with someone else and it devastated him. It was the best thing for him to realize he’d lost me.
I’ve spent the last few days in a ball of worry (and guilt) because I miss him so much and want a relationship with him. I’ve been trying to calm my feelings by reading a lot on boundaries and reminding myself that setting boundaries is difficult especially for sensitive people who are not use to setting them. I also think an element of guilt is expected in the early days of boundary setting. My guilt comes from feeling like he’s not a bad guy and I did things (poor communication) to cause the breakup but then I remember he jumped ship when it was hard (couldn’t see my value) and I was willing to stay and work through things.
The only thing keeping me afloat is knowing that I deserve big love and that if it is going to be with him, he needs to respect me and having and enforcing boundaries is the only way to teach respect.
When C reached out to you to meet up or for small talk, did it ever set you back to not reply or to decline?
When he reached out the first time I agreed to see him and it set me back terribly. It was awful. When he reached out after that, I remembered how badly it hurt to see him and I didn’t feel bad about declining at all.
Generally, the more unavailable you are, the more he’ll want you. It’s not a setback to have said no to him.
This was much needed ❤
I thought I was past it, thought the brokenness had already happened and I could of swore I felt changed because of it but yesterday I found myself in tears to a friend (yes, some men know how to express themselves ) and saying I HATE this!
I don’t know what’s worse, fresh pain or reliving the same old pain you thought you had overcome when you realise that you haven’t actually let go
A wedding of a mutual friend did it for me, seeing her again, seeing her hesitation in her eyes when I came over to speak to her, seeing her relaxed and normal with everyone but me and feeling myself relaxed and normal with everyone but her
Then seeing her with a better suited (from the outside looking in) guy purely on the basis of they share the same faith and we don’t and for her that was always the problem because of her family
It all came back, not the same pain, no, this heart of mine was no longer heavy like a ton of bricks…nor was it sunken and unable to feel other things like joy, laughter and gratitude….those things were there but so was the pain….the baby of the real one that I thought I had got rid of….turns out it left me a baby that I nurture…..refusing to let it go because it’s my last connection to her
I know I need to, I know it’s the right thing, she wanted friendship, I said no because it wouldn’t help me to let go of the idea of us and it felt like I lost her the minute I said no to bring friends but I know letting go is the key but how?
I don’t know how to and whether I even want to
Sometimes I let myself believe that if I can feel this for someone and it doesn’t go away but rather reemerges in some shape or form then surely we ‘belong’ together….surely were ‘meant’ to be
But that’s not true because love has always been and will always be a choice
pain on the other hand holds me hostage, I have no choice, it’s there whether I want it there or not, it arrests me, detains me and reminds me that in need to do some work – what do you do when it feels like no amount of crying will make things better
How do you let go when you’re not sure you want to?
People say let time do its work but what I’ve learnt from this wedding episode is that sometimes all time does is numb but not heal
True healing is a choice
I want to get to the place where I know and believe that better is still waiting for me
That not being with her was for the best of the both of us
That life and God didn’t cheat me
But I don’t see it yet let alone feel it
Letting go feels like falling to my death so I don’t do the work that will bring healing – it either feels pointless or I feel uncertain whether that’s the right way to go about letting go even though I know there is no right way
I just hate this, hate being here, hate feeling this
I certainly know it has changed me and continues to do so, I only hope that I will one day thank it too
But I can thank you Jen for your timely, beautiful writing that always makes ME want to write back so honestly and truthful
Hope you’re well 🙂
Your post really touched me because I have felt the same way many times. My ex broke up with me almost 5 months ago and I have been experiencing a mixture of highs and lows throughout that time. You are right when you say that sitting back and letting time do ALL the work will get you nowhere. I learned that lesson the hard way too. What has really been helping me is no contact. If I can avoid my ex at social gatherings, I do it by not attending. The host almost always understands (and if they don’t, they aren’t your friend).
You have to make a conscious effort to let go of her. I KNOW it’s hard and nearly impossible, but, honestly, what choice do you have? Whenever I’m feeling low, I ask myself that question. You don’t see your ex writing on a breakup blog, telling everyone how hard it is for her, do you? Nope, so why should you waste anymore time on someone who took a good look at a wonderful guy like you and your beautiful relationship and basically said, “Nah, I’m good. I’ll try my luck elsewhere.”? Even if she says that she misses you (like my ex did), I always remember that the only reason he CAN miss me is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with me.
Have you read any other of Jen’s posts on the subject? They are really helpful and are full of a bunch of comments from people in our situations. Even though many of the situations may seem different, the advice is always the same. You need to let go by deciding that YOU ARE WORTH IT. You do that by taking care of yourself, exercising, trying new things and spending time with friends. A day will come when you will feel so sick of yourself for basically puking your self esteem in the toilet that you will snap and realize that you are worth far more than pining over someone who doesn’t want you. You will have finally grasped the concept of saying, “FUCK YOU!” to anyone who doesn’t think you’re worth a damn. (Jen, if you’re reading this, I quote you all the time 🙂 )
Seeing your ex with someone else is hard, but you need to let her do that. Who knows? Maybe that relationship will someone lead her back to you. But, if it doesn’t, you NEED TO REALIZE that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be will always find its way. What is important now is that you try your best to stop worrying about your ex, who is an ORDINARY WOMAN with annoying flaws, just like the rest of us and focus on finding yourself and making yourself happy. I’m glad there are other people in my situation that I can relate to. Good luck 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment, it’s always good to know that in some way someone else can relate to what you’re going through.
I wholeheartedly agree with you that I need to let go and that it need to be a conscious effort on my part to do that and like you pointed out, it can sometimes feel impossible
I didnt even think of it that way until you said it, her telling me se misses me is because she has chosen to be apart from me
The hardest part is letting go of even the idea of us somehow finding our way back to each other – doing the work on myself has got to be about me, finding myself again with no hope or expectation of getting back with her
That seems like a difficult task rigt now – how do you deal with the waves of hurt or pain…if you still feel them?
So I’ve started to exercise, I do insanity workout which is a great programme that really pushes you and cycle to work and back, these things definitely help but only to a certain degree
I still find myself longing not to be where I am emotionally at present and not caring about her – as you said quoting Jen – FUCK YOU! to anybody who doesn’t see the value or worth in who we are
It feels like a long road, I honestly find it daunting to even consider moving on some times because I don’t know how hard it’s truly going to be and as we’ve both agreed, just letting time pass by will get us nowhere
I have been talking with trusted friends and expressing the pain as best as I can so that once it’s gone it’s gone – this can’t be about her, the great thing about our situations is that we’ve had a massive shock to our system that is forcing us to focus on our own needs, to refocus on becoming everything we were born to be and to develop much greater capacity to love, endure, feel joy and be better versions of ourselves……:if we do the work
I certainly hope that after great pain comes great joy, that just as spring follows winter, a new and great season will follow this one we currently find ourselves in
thanks again for sharing your thoughts, it certainly uplifted me to hear your point of view and at least I know of another person who is determined to make the best out of a not so great situation
Good luck to you 🙂
I feel the waves of pain nearly every day. I’m not sure if it is the same for you, but guilt brings on those waves. I’ll begin to wonder, “Why didn’t I appreciate him when he was here?”, “I should have put in more effort!” and I constantly wonder if I am a bad person for believing he didn’t care, expressing my pain to friends or for trying to forget him. When those feelings come on, I remind myself to stop living in the past and how these thoughts are simply excuses. Your brain thinks that having a solid reason for why they left will make the pain better. Don’t believe that for a second. Pain demands to be felt and no amount of “reasons” will help that. If your ex really wanted to come back, she would.
I hope this doesn’t scare you, but I have recently had a random setback in my healing process. I was doing pretty good for about a month and now am feeling low again. However, I do believe other things besides my ex have been causing this. Therefore, I have made an appointment to see a therapist to explore this further.
Also, I went on a few dates, which were nice, but nothing came out of them. I felt pressured to date because a mutual friend told me my ex was dating. Please don’t feel like you have to be in a relationship just because your ex is in one. You’ll “win the game” by focusing on yourself. Just because you don’t have a girlfriend, doesn’t and shouldn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling life. While it hasn’t happened to me yet, they tell me right when you have finally let go and are enjoying single life, love shows up at your door. 🙂
Gosh! You certainly have a way of bringing insight into what my own experience has been, yes I too have looked and searched for reasons in a bid to numb the pain, escape it all together or even some how create hope – against hope that some way some how because I know recognise my mistakes that this time things will be better
But wait, she’s not with me anymore, she chose another person so Fuck THAT! I should toure myself with those thoughts
Sorry to hear you’re currebtky feeling low but really glad to hear you’re set to see a therapist about it, without knowing you, I would agree that it’s probably more than just thoughts if your ex causing this
I too see a therapist right now and felt like it was one of the bravest things I did because it showed me how much I value finding a way out of this pain and hurt and funding true joy, peace and contentment
I’ve told my therapist countless times that it sometimes feels pointless, like nothing is happening, all I’m doing is talking and sometimes not even about anything in particular but I know it all counts for something
I have been thinking about dating, it’s funny you should say not to feel pressured because it dawned on me today that I need to be okay with being alone, I always visualise a future happiness that always involves another person in the form of a mate but that’s kind of waiting gir another human being to be the source of your happiness when really its our job to do that
I hope you’re right about love appearing when you’re happy within yourself by yourself, to be fair that’s what happened with my ex in the first place when we met
Have you ever just wished you can skip this part and jump straight to the part where you’re truly okay (more than okay) and happy again?
This feels so pointless sometimes – I’m in pain and for what???
Only good thing about this is you actually feel empathy for fellow travellers on similar journeys and that’s got to count for something I reckon 🙂
It’s very heartwarming to see the two of you interacting and giving each other advice! 🙂 xoxo Jen
Everyone wants to skip this part, Serge. Everyone hates suffering. But there’s a beautiful quote on suffering that always puts it in perspective for me:
“Suffering is not bad. If you understand it rightly, suffering is a cleansing. If you understand it rightly, sadness has a depth to it which no happiness can ever have. A person who is simply happy is always superficial. A person who has not known sorrow and has not known sadness, has not known the depths. He has not touched the bottom of his being; he has remained just on the periphery. One has to move within these two banks. Within these two banks flows the river.”
How are you doing? Just an update on me- I finally got my butt into therapy. I always wanted to go, but I kept putting it off. I just had my second yesterday and it’s helping. It’s weird how many things you don’t see about your situation until someone who is unbiased points it out to you. I’m slowly working towards my issues and now I don’t feel so helpless. When my boyfriend told me “You’re weak, you don’t really have friends and it’s a good thing I wasn’t a mean person because I could have made you into anyone I wanted you to be,” I thought he was being lovingly honest. NO. That’s some pretty hurtful and inconsiderate shit. He did me a favor by breaking up with me. He’s not calling me because hr hasnt
He’s not calling me because he hasn’t changed and doesn’t respect me. He expected me to fail and I did for a while, but no more. I have suffered enough.
Have you been making progress?
Hey newbie here!
I came across your how you got your ex back article, and I am here now:)
I just wanted to say that everytime I read article I see a reflection of my future self.
I broke up with my ex 2 yrs ago and I let it break me so bad that I am still bit suffering bit by bit, and I am starting to feel much more alive, you know when you know something, when you really really know something, when your gut speaks to you and tells you something that only you can only understand?
Yeah I have that feeling with my ex, its like I know that we will be together, it’s like I FREAKING KNOW IT. And it’s not denial, it’s really not becuase I have accepted all there is and all that is happened, I have been treating myself very nicely, that break up made me even stronger, and quite frankly I am thankful that it happened, it had to happen anyway for our own well being 🙂
Now I am not saying I am good and set to go, I have my bad days, heck I had one three days ago, I cried and cried and cried, not only about my ex but about the life situation I have been put in, family wise, cultural/religion beliefs forced on you only becuase you’re parents believe in that stuff, it’s hard to live with people who are your family but don’t believe in all they do, what’s worse is you have to do it, what’s even worse is hiding (5 yrs now) because your so worried about breaking their hearts…but then what about yourself and your beliefs? Should I forget about them to keep my family happy? Should I settle for an arranged marriage? Should I settle for being viewed as a disabality becuase I am a women?
Should I settle for wearing certain clothing such as the covering of my hair and my body becuase I am a sex symbol? Should i? Should I???
Yes I will, indeed, becuase I am worthy and I deserve to be happy and live my life under my conditions not follow some 2000 yr old men mad scripture.
This is who I am and I value me.
And when I run away, and when I suddenly leave, and when I look into my mothers eyes for the last time, I will remember that all of this will make me a better being, future mother and wife, perhaps a daughter too…who knows haha.
But I know one thing….everything will be alright, no matter what. Life will move on, the sun will rise again and the earth will spin in it’s orbit.
It’s gonna be okay !!
Thanks for your wonderful article, I will always come back to remind myself why feeling guilty and sad isn’t so bad 🙂
thank you so much for your pure and powerful emotions and thoughts that you share with us thorough all these strong and true words.
I am in the situation that dont want my ex back anymore but sometimes I do really miss her.
I check on her on instagram or facebook (not friend there anymore so I see nothing although I do it) and now a days I do it much rarely than the past.
and there is stil a little pain sometimes inside my chest but I know it is just me!
when there is the pain,I try to laugh without any reason, I just think on sth funny or try to make funny ideas and imaginations.
and it helps sometimes and sometimes not. I know she wont be back anymore and I know better than any moment that it is ME and ME and no one else. that I have to move on and let the past as it is!
doing more and more practice , by reading , listening ….and being on the date scene once again!
I dated a girl and on the second date I could see all her pains and emotionals knots like an eagle flying over a field seeing the little bunny …
as I told her what I saw inside her, she was completely confused, she could not believe it!
I now have a third eye, seeing inside humen mind much much deeper without any will and it sometimes bothers me.
I was not like this, I was so naive believing people even when they were bull sh**ing me but now I see truth and lies.It is like be awakend from a long deep sleep. Now I see too much 😐
may be it is a gift … I dont know but it is definitely because of the break up and the excercies that I made after it .
I just wanted to share them with you and saying a big thanks once again because of your words and rituales that I learnt here.
God bless you and your huband
with love and cheers
That quote really had me thinking, it’s definitely spot on in the perspective that suffering and sadness bring a depth to a person that happiness never could.
It’s also great talking to people like Bella on this, just goes to show the community of fearless people growing from this blog of yours
Speaking of Bella, if you read this, I hope you’re well and that you’ve started your therapy
Stay strong all who read this, joy will come from within and for many of you its just around the corner!
Jen – have you ever had a psychic (or intuative) reading?
I had one from a lady who has predicted things to the T in the past and knowing that things are going to work out with my ex (from the reading) is impacting my ability to move on/let go/surrender.
When C and I were broken up I had a reading, but she was wayyyyy off.
Hope you’re doing all well and do remember me. I wrote to you a few months back and I’m from Switzerland 🙂
I write to you this time not to report the ex came back. No he didn’t…or he hasn’t. It’s been almost 5 months of absolute silence. I’ve done everything to move on, to let it go and I still feel I haven’t really gotten there yet. Shame to say but I still think of him everyday and I miss him dearly….You know what, I’m in Chicago now for vacation and I think of him even more intensively because he used to do his college here in the States. The day before I left Switzerland , I went to say bye to a dear friend. He told me ” do you think you can really enjoy your vacation, can finally get him out of your head? I think you can’t. You’re flying to a place where it’s connected to him” He was right…absolutely right…
Jen,I feel like I’ve been stuck. I do not want to reach out to him and will not ( last time on his birthday I almost gave in but I thought how much pain he has caused me, I couldn’t bother) but I miss him and I fear of never hear from him again….
If you could have a few worlds for me, I would be truly appreciate to hear from you. You’ve been doing a great great job helping those hearts icky people out there including me….
Send you a warm hug from windy Chicago!
Of course I remember you. 🙂
Tell me this: after 5 full months of silence and experiencing so much pain, what is it exactly about him that you miss? There’s no wrong answer here, I just want to know. What do you miss that has you thinking about him on a daily basis?
Thanks Jen, for promptly responding and thanks for still remembering me! 🙂
I didn’t have a closure when he broke up with me, he just dumped me when my feelings towards him were getting strong. If I dare to say, I’d tell you I miss his presence, I miss his voice, how he cared for me, the affection/ intimacy moments. Whenever I go out, whenever I see couples are hand in hand, I couldn’t help but picture myself with him and it hurts me so bad. Do I sound crazy?
If I sound like a horrible emotional wreck, my apologies. You have given us so much advices yet you still have to hear from someone who couldn’t be stronger…
But he left as your feelings were getting stronger. Doesn’t that tell you something? And the things that you miss are VERY general things that you could have with anyone…like someone who would be excited that your feelings were getting stronger, instead of scared.
You don’t want the person who runs away when things get serious to come back to you. You’re just missing him because he was the last person you bonded with. You need to be dating other people now, even if it’s not serious or you’re not feeling it. It’s time to let go of your ex. Five months is long enough to be in pain. It’s time to realize that you were happy before you knew him, and you can be happy after.
You have to stop talking about him to your friends. And going places that remind you of him. You’ve let this go on too long. You need to be strong enough to decide that you’re moving on. You’re feeling sad because you’re choosing sadness. Choose a more powerful thought, like: “I was okay before and I will be okay again. Today I am brand new and starting over.” If you keep identifying with being weak, you’ll continue to be weak. Enough is enough Annie; it’s time to snap out of it now. You can do this.
Jen – you should be a grief counsellor! I have struggled with self esteem issues, lack of boundaries and unworthiness for a long time and after a lot of research and years in counselling, your story and your way of being has been the only thing that has really gotten through to me and shined the light on what self worth truly means and what it takes to find it and practice it.
So thank you! You have a wonderful way of helping people face tragedy and uncertainty and your energy and confidence literally radiates off the page. This blog lights up my heart and I refer back to it regularly. You’re a role model to me – and I hope that one day I am able to touch half as many lives as you have.
Robin ❤️❤️❤️ You’re so sweet! Truly, thank you!
Thank you for wise words. I wish I could have been much stronger so that I didn’t suffer the last few months…
Again, I appreciate you took time and answer my post. Hugs
Lately I’ve doing better. Not so long ago I was quite depressed again. But not so long after this period, I had a little click. I was linking all of my confidence with her. A person I didn’t see or speak in over a year! So after that realisation, a little weight lifted of my shoulders. I still feel sad from time to time., just cos It pains me that I ‘lost’ a person SO dear to me. Someone I had a incredible connection with. I still miss her every day, though the fog has lifted. I still think about her a lot. I think it’s just because I got used to thinking/obsessing about it.
I’ve noticed that I have a lot of anxiety/difficulty with taking responsibiltiy for my life, so I’m still reading a lot of self help books. At the moment I’m reading one from Susan Jeffers (feel the fear..). I’m getting addicted to books like these (not sure if that’s a great evolution but okay).
Do you have any recommondations on books ? I already saw some in your commentes and blogs.
I don’t really know why I’m typing all of this. But I just wanted to let you know how I’m doing. I still read your blog regularly, your comments/blog still helps me.
I hope you’re well (!?) and you will have a beautiful ending to 2015
Hi Laure! So great to hear from you!
I think it’s okay to be addicted to self help for a while. I certainly was. You should do the things that make you feel better and stronger.
I highly recommend The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s short and powerful. And if you haven’t read The Four Agreements by him, maybe start there.
I don’t read a lot of self help anymore but I used to. I loved The Power of Now and Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting. I also really loved The Magic by Rhonda Byrne. It’s helpful whether you believe in the law of attraction or not. 🙂
Really nice to hear from you + keep me updated.
I love ur posts and everything that you say is so so true.. And it makes so much sense to me now..
Here’s how my story goes..
I’m 32 yrs old and I got married about 3 yrs ago.. My ex husband and I divorced somewhere last year October.. We separated in February 2015.. We got married so in love with each other and we could not stay away from each other but on our wedding day, our families fought and that resulted in his side storming out of the wedding. it went pretty much downhill from there onwards. We had fights ( always resolved with hugs in the end) but his mother just never did let us live our lives peacefully and was always interfering. So in January 2015, a day before my birthday, I found out that he was texting his ex gf and even gave her money.. He reasoned out with me and said that he was just helping her out..( without my knowledge) . So we had a huge argument and he said he was done and left.
His mother played a huge role in our separation and refused to help.
This came as a shock to me and I was in denial. I could not believe that this man who was so in love with me just decided to leave me all of a sudden.. When I came back home from my mum’s place, he had already removed all his things from our house in his car and moved out. Abondoning me in that house all alone. I begged , pleaded and cried. I was starving myself to death and was mentally exhausted and very unstable. He then printed out a 2 page “clause ” on what I should do and how I should be if I wanted the relationship to work. I obliged. Because I wanted my husband so badly. Part of the clause included, mending relationship with his sister and mother. And when I tried to, they shot me down. When I told him, he told me that, that’s my problem and I must fix it. I was by now going insane. I tried for 2 whole weeks.. Desperately. And I now know he could sense my desperation. When I said I’ve tried to do all that u told me to, he said, u know what this is not going to work out, let’s get divorced. I fell to the ground and screamed. My family had to pick me up and give me sedatives to calm me down.My parents then packed me up bought me a one way ticket to Australia to live with my cousins. I was so unstable I had to take 3 months of unpaid leave( I’m a dr) from work. 3 months later, I picked myself up and came back to work.moved out of the old place and into a new place.. He who asked for the divorce never went ahead and did it. Every day I lived with anxiety thinking when he was going to send the papers to me until one fine day I couldn’t deal with it and filed for it myself. Mind u all this time, he wanted to come over and hang out with me but didn’t want to be with me. When asked he said he was just being there for me. And this was my husband. So come October 2015, the divorce was done. We were still keeping in touch and was coming to see me but didn’t want me as a partner. I was still hurting and practicing the LOA daily but nothing worked.. All because of desperation and I was constantly thinking about the outcome. I never did truly let go. I wanted any part of him as long as he was there.. But I now realize that I did it all wrong all along.
It’s March 2016 now, I found out he was texting that very ex gf he was keeping in touch with during our marriage. I’m not sure if they’re dating. But I see how comfortable he is with having me, being nice to her and having freedom. Having the cake and eating it at the same time.
So I finally gathered all that I had and told him to cut contact with me. Finally, and this time I was serious. I he texted me twice after that which I briefly replied. But have since not initiated any texts..
Today I see he has deleted all our photos on fb. ( which he never did even after the divorce)
He knows exactly where to hit me so it hurts most. But anyhow, I’m sticking to my guns.
Only because I love this man, I was true to my vows. He was the love of my life and I married him. He chose to abandon me. But still wanted me in the loop.. For me, it’s me as your partner if u want me or nothing at all..
So Jen, my question would be, do I reply his texts or just plain block him or not reply..? And I gotta stop stalking him and the ex gf on social media rite.. 😞 Which I am not doing. It’s like an obsession.
And if I do this will he feel the loss ? ( I’ve never been NC ever despite him putting me thru all the heartache)
And why would he delete the photos on fb now after all this time only when I’ve said let’s stop contacting each other. To intentionally hurt me?
Sorry for the long essay Jen… I tried to summarize one and a half year’s story as much as possible.. Thank you so so much… It’s because of you I could tell him I wanted to cut contact.. Thank you Jen..
Much love 😘
Unfortunately, I’m not answering comments on how to heal from exes anymore. (Read this post to understand why: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2016/01/30/small-life-slow-life-why-im-not-going-to-answer-your-comments-anymore/ — in short, I’m married, pregnant, and I work full-time).
But what I CAN say is this: I ALWAYS advocate 100% letting go. Let go, all the way. It’s always my answer. So that means, no…don’t answer his texts. (Ever.) It also means, it doesn’t MATTER if he feels the loss or not (I’ve answered many, many, MANY questions like this in comments in the main blog on getting the ex back. So if you’re really curious, I’d read all those comments: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2013/06/02/small-life-slow-life-how-i-got-my-ex-back-seriously/ — there are 781 comments there). And it also doesn’t matter why he deleted the FB photos.
What does matter is that you’re picking up the pieces and that it’s time to move on. What also matters is that this guy has shown you multiple times that he’s willing to let you suffer. Not someone you want in your life.
I wish you all the best my dear. ❤
Thank you Jen.. I really appreciate it.. All the best to you in your journey of pregnancy and motherhood…