Athena Timarie entered our world on August 29, 2022 and life has never been the same. We have been living in sleep-deprived bliss. V is the best big sister. Toward the end of my maternity leave, I looked at both girls and my heart cried out that it needed more time. I remember how hard … Continue reading
Tagged with grief …
Small Life, Slow Life: My big breakup was almost 9 years ago. Here’s what I thought then vs. what I know now.
Then, I thought the breakup was a series of mistakes that I made that I could have corrected if history had arranged itself differently.For months I went over the days leading up to the breakup, analyzing every word we spoke to each other, dissecting the fights that had been increasing in frequency. It felt like … Continue reading
It’s a terrible time to be having a terrible time.
Lately, a lot more of you have been commenting, which I love. I love to hear from you. And my heart is just absolutely been going out to those of you who are having a terrible time during such a terrible time. This is a horrible time to lose someone, to be jobless, to be … Continue reading
I see the discarded pregnancy tests in the trash as I toss in a tampon wrapper. These unlikely plastic adversaries sit beside each other: one a symbol of hope, the other of failure. Immediately, I think, Ugh, I’ll take the trash out so I don’t have to look at those. Then, correcting myself, I think, … Continue reading
All of this means nothing.
I’ve been playing one song so much that V has begun requesting it. “Mommy, wanna hear ‘Handbreaker’.” (The song is called “Dealbreaker.”) When I’m alone in my car, it’s the first place I go. I find the vein (turn it up), insert the blade (let the words remind me), and sigh with relief as the … Continue reading
When I let go of you, I hold on to you everywhere.
You might as well be the very sky itself, for how you hang over me. The other day I went crazy searching for the Rilke poem, which took me hours to find. But I knew, in that shadowy-sense when you can only remember small parts of something, that it described exactly how I feel: There … Continue reading
The last time I bled, you were alive. When we got the news, my body, paralyzed by loss, stopped mid-cycle. When they took you away five days later, things continued where they’d left off, as though my body had simply pressed pause. Almost exactly a month later now, I bleed again. I felt the shock … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life, The Luxury of Grief.
Do you remember when you had the luxury of grief? You were allowed the space to be fully devastated. You could call into work, *cough cough* into the phone, tell your boss that no, you weren’t feeling better. You could use up your whole sick time you’d accrued in the fetal position, tangled in sheets, … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life: Tethered.
I held the familiar “Life” notebook in my hands at 7:15 this morning, sitting on a bench in the mall before work began. I read for a while, then read a bit on my break too. But by lunch time, I couldn’t do it anymore. I shoved the tome back in my bag. The Life … Continue reading
Small Life, Slow Life: Weekly recap, plus thinking about next year, reading, and loss.
This week, I had a date with Matt and James, we showered our team with gifts at our holiday staff meeting (matching red plaid pajamas), we went to the funeral for C’s grandma and the memorial today at the home of C’s parents, I got sick, and I finished three books. All in all, a … Continue reading