Finding your way through the darkness is a part of life.
I’ve been writhing in some emotional pain. Hello, suffering…haven’t seen you in a while.
Life has some growth planned for me lately, so one difficult situation has been popping up after another. It feels like a bad dream sometimes…just when one situation gets solved, like magic, BAM! There’s another one to deal with. Like dominoes.
I find myself reacting instead of responding. Pacing the hardwood floor at 2am instead of sleeping. Feeling the tightness in my chest that feels like a hundred wires all tangled up with the sensation that something needs to snap, and soon.
I find myself operating out of fear instead of trust. Watching as the number on the scale goes down and down even though I’m eating enough. Jumping at every phone call and email. Obsessively checking email instead of enjoying a morning off. Thinking, “What could possibly go wrong next” instead of, “I know this season has a purpose and that it’s all going to magically whoosh together in a beautiful way that will teach me something so important.”
Look guys, even I forget my own advice. I still have those seasons of pain, and I still try to resist them.
Haven’t I been through this enough now? Haven’t I learned that every heartache lends itself to a deeper, future joy? Haven’t you?
And like…wouldn’t it be cool if every time we were experiencing something difficult, we could operate from the innate knowing that we were being taken to the next level instead of being taken down?
Wouldn’t it be incredible if we faced the pain, and cried every time an intense emotion hit while knowing that every tear got us 1% closer to full healing + self expression?
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we kept opening up even while being given thirty reasons to get guarded and shut down?
Yeah, it would be. But it doesn’t always happen that way.
Sometimes the pain is unavoidable. It seems ordained. We know that we need to change our perception about it, but we’re locked in a mental battle and can’t get through it yet. The future you who could handle this pain is still in the process of being born.
I’ve written a lot about that kind of pain after a break up…how you have to be miserable as part of the process, and that eventually, a “snap” will occur where you’ll be so sick of yourself that you’ll get to your boiling point + make a choice to not feel that debilitating sorrow anymore.
And sometimes, as much as we want to short-circuit that process and just fast forward to the “snap” part, we actually have to endure the hours/days/weeks/months of pain. There’s a lesson in that kind of grief, frustration, and sorrow…and as much as we want to jump over it like a hurdle in our path, we can’t.
The point is, I’m there with you. I’m actually there with you right now. My heart is hurting, and I want to jump ahead to the part where everything is solved, and there’s no more sadness. But this is a season of growth and grief, and so I’m in the passenger seat of this car on an unfamiliar road…waiting for my “snap” to come.
All I can do is remember that there’s a reason that the words “grief” and “growth” even sound alike…and it’s because they’re inseparable. One lends itself to the other. And when partnered together for a certain period of time, they eventually melt together to become joy. Like alchemy. Every time.
Wishing you all comfort during the seasons of grief/growth.
small life, slow life 
Dear Jen,
I just wanted to wish you well with wathever you’re dealing with. One year after my break up I still visit your blog almost daily. Your advice allways gives me a sense of ease. In my dark hours I reread some of your blogs of comments, and it allways helps. They are quite empowering. So now when you’re having problems, I want to wish you good luck and a lot of strenght. I hope live will treat you well again very very soon.
Keep up, you got this!
sending lots of love
Laure
Thank you Laure! This made my day. ❤️ I’ll keep my chin up! 🙂
I come on here and read what you write a lot lately and it helps make me feel better. I’ve been going through a really hard time with my break up still and it’s been a few months… It was my first serious relationship and we were together for a year. I thought he was the one and I wanted him to come back so bad but now I’m trying so hard to realize that I deserve to be with someone who values me and would never leave me. It’s really painful but I’ve been getting a little better as in not being completely miserable and crying all of the time. I just want him to realize that I’m worth it and he made a mistake but I know I shouldn’t care about that anymore and I don’t want to care about it I’m so sick of being hung up on someone who doesn’t care. It’s just so hard to let go but I really want to even though I love him and want him so bad because I don’t deserve to feel this way… I just don’t know why I cant let go of it all. I just want to be happy and not care anymore but it kills me
It’ll get better, Mary. I know it feels like it won’t but I absolutely promise you that it will.
During your breakup what did you keep telling yourself so that you made it through the really bad days? I try so hard not to think about him dating other girls but sometimes it crosses my mind and i try and tell myself that I’m worth it and he’s being stupid for letting me go but sometimes it’s just hard for me to believe it myself. I hope I’m not bumming you out Im just at a low point right now and everyone’s sick of hearing me still talk about it. I don’t know how to get through some of these bad days anymore
On the bad days I made myself see my friends. And I tried new things. And I let myself cry. I had to cry so many tears, it felt like millions. But I started getting happier when I spent time with people who loved me.
Sending you so much love. Knowing that we are all in this grief and growing process together makes it feel safe.
While I’ve got back with my bf now, I still come to your blog because your posts had helped me through some darkest days of my life. I hope everything will blow over soon and you will find the peace and calmness again! You’ve done it before and I’m sure you will do it again!! Much much love and lots of hugs 🙂 🙂
Sending you love, you’ve done so much for many of us.
Aww thank you! ❤️ It will be okay…just a rough time!
Hi Jen,
Great article and amazing transparency
I think that the temptation would be for you almost act like this guru that’s got it all figured out and never goes through anything so it’s really great that although your advice helps many people you are still able to be transparent about what you go through
As I recently learned, the only people without problems are those whose permanent home is now the cementary, problems are therefore a sign of life and that you are living it
Rightly pointed out by you too that grief and growth are inseparable (I struggle with this truth)
Anyway, this is my second comment but your writing had always helped me so I thought I’d end by relaying your words to me in my first comment “you’re doing great! Keep going!”
May your joy season be beyond your imagination or current belief of what is possible for you!
Serge
Serge, you’re the best! Thanks for your kind comment! Things are already in the process of working out which is great. Growth is rarely comfortable!
Thank you so much & I wish you all the best!
Jen
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