Then, I thought the breakup was a series of mistakes that I made that I could have corrected if history had arranged itself differently.For months I went over the days leading up to the breakup, analyzing every word we spoke to each other, dissecting the fights that had been increasing in frequency. It felt like … Continue reading
A really close friend just recently went through an earth-shattering, out-of-the-blue breakup. It happened on a Friday and she called me on Saturday morning. “I read your blog,” she said tearfully.“Oh geez, don’t do that!” I said, feeling like those blogs from so long ago couldn’t possibly help anyone now. It made me think about … Continue reading
Lately, a lot more of you have been commenting, which I love. I love to hear from you. And my heart is just absolutely been going out to those of you who are having a terrible time during such a terrible time. This is a horrible time to lose someone, to be jobless, to be … Continue reading
I see the discarded pregnancy tests in the trash as I toss in a tampon wrapper. These unlikely plastic adversaries sit beside each other: one a symbol of hope, the other of failure. Immediately, I think, Ugh, I’ll take the trash out so I don’t have to look at those. Then, correcting myself, I think, … Continue reading
I’ve been playing one song so much that V has begun requesting it. “Mommy, wanna hear ‘Handbreaker’.” (The song is called “Dealbreaker.”) When I’m alone in my car, it’s the first place I go. I find the vein (turn it up), insert the blade (let the words remind me), and sigh with relief as the … Continue reading
You might as well be the very sky itself, for how you hang over me. The other day I went crazy searching for the Rilke poem, which took me hours to find. But I knew, in that shadowy-sense when you can only remember small parts of something, that it described exactly how I feel: There … Continue reading
The last time I bled, you were alive. When we got the news, my body, paralyzed by loss, stopped mid-cycle. When they took you away five days later, things continued where they’d left off, as though my body had simply pressed pause. Almost exactly a month later now, I bleed again. I felt the shock … Continue reading
I am thick with the smell of death. Yours, and everyone who was on your floor. All of these doorways I’ve passed through, all of these corridors, all of these beds wheeled by, all of these people grieving around me. It didn’t stop me, on the last day, from kissing your forehead as often as … Continue reading
Do you remember when you had the luxury of grief? You were allowed the space to be fully devastated. You could call into work, *cough cough* into the phone, tell your boss that no, you weren’t feeling better. You could use up your whole sick time you’d accrued in the fetal position, tangled in sheets, … Continue reading
Someone important to me is not going to be in my life much anymore. It’s not a bad thing; it’s actually a thing that’s wonderful for him, but I’m pretty sad all the same. He has been such a wonderfully supportive constant in my life for the last two years. He has played the role … Continue reading
small life, slow life 