I let him go.
Really.
I know too well what it’s like to be nursing a broken heart, thinking I’d do anything to get back with my former flame. I’ve thought of every tactic out there. Lonely months went by and I slimmed down to a ghostly version of my former, happy self.
I alienated my friends because the breakup was all I could talk about. “But he was The One!” I said to them, over and over.
My work performance suffered because I couldn’t stop the toxic spewing of negative crap from my mouth. I barely slept and became really destructive.
I told myself the myth that if he just came back to me, my whole life would be fixed.
Yeah. That didn’t happen.
Heart on fire, ashes everywhere
— there’s no return from a red like that.MANUEL DE FREITAS
It took a long time to give up on him and realize that I was facing my life alone. But after so much misery and thinking I’d never be happy again, it dawned on me that the worst had already happened, and there was nothing else to lose.
Weirdly, there was a kind of freedom in that thought. It was a clean slate.
I realized I’d totally abandoned myself, and I decided to reclaim my life.
It was during an anti-gravity yoga class that I rocked in Savasana and saw C’s face float in front of my eyes. I looked at it for a long time and softly said “Goodbye.”
Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
So I moved on. I did what they all tell you to do — I spent time with friends, I took up hobbies, I learned to enjoy taking up the whole bed as I slept alone. I spent mornings drinking coffee on my new balcony (instead of bemoaning that I’d had to get a new apartment by myself at age 31 when I thought I was going to be married by then). I exercised and cooked healthy foods for myself.
I tried things I would have never done before. I applied to speak at Beyond Luon. I learned to make kombucha. Eventually, I dated someone else. It took time, but I came back to life and reclaimed my life as my own.
And then, there he was.
After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)
Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?
Giving up.
Surrendering.
Letting go.
Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.
And then, you know what happens?
That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.
(And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours to begin with.)
We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety.
THE I-CHING
So let it go. Stop thinking if you lose the weight, dress sexier, text him/her at 2am, that’ll work out. You’re missing the entire point.
As much as you can’t believe it, that person doesn’t even matter. You can be happy with someone else, eventually. And you can be very happy alone.
You are the one who matters.
Let nothing stand in the way of the happiness available to you at this exact moment.
Then go live your life and be prepared to be amazed.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
EDIT | June 2, 2015: I’m not sure why the comments don’t always show on this post anymore, but you can access them here!
If you have a question, I recommend reading through all 750+ comments before reaching out. Definitely feel comfortable reaching out to someone who has commented who has a situation similar to yours. Be there for each other! For me personally, I just cannot keep up with the amount of comments anymore, and I know I’ve done enough in the 2.5 years since I wrote this blog to help as many people as I can.
As many of you know, C is no longer “my ex.” We reunited in April of 2013, got engaged that September, and were married in August, 2014. 🙂
I had no idea when I wrote this post that it would create such an outpouring of love and questions from you readers. I am amazed everyday by all of you who so bravely and vulnerably share your stories with me here.
The comments per day keep growing, and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up it is impossible to keep up!
I am honored that this little corner on the internet has been able to provide some healing for you. And I’m sorry that I am no longer able to answer any comments here. My first piece of advice is to read all the comments written back and forth before yours — you may find the answer you need in there.
If any part of you believes in the law of attraction, I also recommend reading this and regularly reading these. Both helped me immensely during my breakup.
I wish you quick and full healing.
I am so thankful to you. Love, Jen
small life, slow life 
ETA, anybody reading this might go, he was so cheating on you, he wasn’t, the event was actually a work thing at his place of work, I live in a third world country with Internet access at exorbitant prices, his place of work has free WiFi. He works a full day shift once a week, so he doesn’t have to work the next day, I’ve followed him to his night shift many times to use the free WiFi and keep him company. Now instead of coming back after his shift, he just continued working the next day even tho he didn’t have to.
Hello Jen..what a relief to find your site..I read your recent post so I will not give you a detailed history of my ex and I..let’s just say that I pretty much have been in denial for a year and a half, chasing under friendship pretenses, accepting hot/cold behavior, on/off contact and yes casual intimacy (although that only happened twice this year)….However the much awaited the “snap” moment occurred when he told me two weeks ago he was seeing someone. The funny thing is I don’t feel in my gut its true. I think he said that to put things on hold and take some distance but it just occurred to me how incredibly low I’ve stooped to get him back. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy and has always been caring and honest about not wanting to get back together by fear of leading me on but I deliberately chose to read “mixed signals” and cling to hope. I do think he still harbors feelings for me but my accepting attitude has done a lot of damage and I am not sure it is salvageable. He has been taking me for granted and I am mostly angry with myself for treating myself with such little regard and pushing down my needs.
Anyway I reacted very well..told him this moment was expected and that if he was happy so was I, I wished him well and told him I hoped sometime down the line we could manage a friendship and we hung up. Naturally I cried my eyes out afterwards but I also felt a surprising feeling of relief which I attributed to closure.
I am moving on, trying to gain my self-esteem and life back. I’m 30 and I’ve wasted too much time on hope. I feel sorry for myself but I am adamant on being positive and pushing through. Naturally I do think of him but I do not wish to contact him and In my mind I have let him go…whether or not he will come back doesn’t matter anymore because I am not even sure we can undo what has been done…it would take a lot of time and at this point it seems easier to start with someone new…just wanted to say that reading all your posts and comments filled me with certainty and positive vibes…I only wish I had come across this sooner. Then maybe things could have turned out better. Nevertheless its all about learning and growing pains are part of the path to happiness!
much love xoxox
Hi Karla!
You have several things going for you here — that you reacted well to his news (news which may or may not — but probably was not — true) and you’ve stayed away without contact. If only everyone who wrote to me did that part as well as you have.
Forgive yourself for holding on as long as you did…if I’d had the opportunity during my breakup to hold on for that long, I ABSOLUTELY would have. The intimacy would have given me hope…the pseudo friendship would have given me hope…all of it would have. So forgive yourself right now and please know that it’s not unsalvageable…it’s NEVER unsalvageable. But you are right in that at this point, you have to shift your focus off of him and onto you. And I think my most sincere advice to you would just be to hold the word “possibility” in your heart, and by that I mean…yes, you are 30; yes, you’ve been deeply hurt and it FEELS like there’s a long road of healing ahead of you; yet I think you should continue to believe that your healing, which can be much quicker than you imagine, is totally POSSIBLE, and it’s also a huge possibility that big love is right around the corner for you past that healing.
C and I broke up when I was 30. I wanted a marriage and kids desperately, and I drove him away with trying to force him into it. I felt like such a failure that I had to begin all over again at 30 and I spent so long beating myself up about it. I thought no one would want me. I was working in the entry-level position in the company of my dreams when, I thought, I should have been at the top of the totem pole. I had to move in with my parents for a while after the breakup because I had no money saved and nowhere to go. Eventually, I moved into a tiny studio apartment by myself and even though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, something about having my own space was very freeing…even though I told myself that I was too old to live alone.
As time went on, I had to face the facts that, like it or not, I was 30 and alone. And then I really began to focus on my healing and happiness, and the feeling of possibility rose up inside of me. Wasn’t it still possible that I could fall deeply in love? Wasn’t it still possible that marriage and kids and happiness were on the table for me? I believed it was possible, and believing in that was the best thing I ever did.
I work in a place where we believe a lot in vision + goals (I need to write more about this in a future blog). Anyway, we all have our ten year visions + goals posted in the back at work. I updated my goals to say that by December of the year after the breakup, I would be engaged to be married. Two guys I worked with at the time said, “Hey, you can’t put that on your goals.” “Why not?!” I asked. “Because you can’t control falling in love,” one of them said, “you can’t manifest that.” I remember smiling and saying, “You’re wrong. I CAN manifest that, and the only reason that’s stopping me from manifesting it right this second is how sad I’ve been feeling. But by December 2013, I will be engaged…just you watch.” Long story short…C came back in February of 2013…we got back together in April, and were engaged by September. I was three months early in how fast it manifested. 🙂 Our one year wedding anniversary just passed. 🙂
So that’s my advice to you, Karla. Believe deeply that you can heal. Believe it’s possible that, at age 30, there is SO MUCH MORE left for you to experience and feel. Believe that you didn’t waste ANY time…choose instead to believe that every mistake and every heartache was taking you exactly where you want to go, and that it all happened exactly how it was supposed to. Because it did! And you will see new gardens blooming before your eyes where before there were only wastelands. Believe that your ex will realize his mistake in casting you aside, and that YOU will have the choice of whether you want to forgive him, or choose a new love with someone suited for you…because that will happen too. It will be up to you, this I promise you. Fortune favors the ones who have been wounded deeply. Where once you only fed on scraps, a whole feast will be presented to you. I promise.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
–Rilke
first, the hardship
must break you –
and then,
it will make you.
-f.gabdon
Be well, and make sure you write that word “possibility” down somewhere you can see it. Keep me updated. ❤ xoxo
Dear Jen…your words truly moved me and went straight to my heart. I cannot express how grateful I am for you taking the time to write this down for me. I have written possibility on my bathroom mirror 🙂 I made a promise to myself to read your heartwarming reply whenever I feel in doubt.
Thank you for paying it forward like you do, I wish you only the best on you journey. the world needs more beautiful souls like yours.
will definitely stay in touch ❤ xoxoxoxo
Hi Jen,
I love how honestly and openly you talk about manifestation and the power we all have inside of us.
My boyfriend left me about two months ago but has reached out about once every week to two weeks with casual questions/statements and I’ve always responded with respect and a friendly but reserved manner.
Since the breakup I have been VERY attuned to signs, particularly repeating numbers (222 and 555 specifically.) Even a friend has pointed out that repeating 2s seem to follow me everywhere.
I know I am a powerful manifester and I know I am on a right track and using both my intuition and guidance from the universe to create a second chance. I also think finding your blog and being able to connect with a like-minded gal was also part of the process.
Here’s to staying strong and recognizing the true potential of our power to create the life we want.
Xo
Thank you! ^_^
I also saw lots of signs when C and I were apart…usually his name (it’s a rare name too), or crows (his favorite animal). Once on Thanksgiving, a crow landed right in front of my car, forcing me to stop. It just stood there and stared at me for about ten seconds before flying away. My heart was pounding so hard — I had been so miserable and was totally in a fog. “Show me there’s something for me beyond this sadness,” was what I’d been thinking the whole morning. Then the crow. So weird!
What’s funny is that my husband believes in NONE of that stuff. He’s an atheist and very science-brained. I don’t think you have to believe in LOA or manifesting to heal yourself and attain what you want the most. So whatever works for you is fine with me. 🙂 My husband explains signs as coincidences our brain was already searching for to affirm what we want. That works for me too. (But tell that to the crow who made me slam on the breaks when I was the most miserable!)
Thanks Jen!
I just noticed you replied at 2:22pm. There really is no such thing as coincidence ☺️
Did you take seeing the crow as a sign you would get back together with C or that he would make his way back into your life (whether as a husband or simply a friend)? Interestingly, I saw my ex boyfriend driving in car twice- both during times when I wouldn’t normally be driving. (I got out of work early the first time and was coming home from meeting a friend the second time) However, during these times, I was still desperately trying to get him back and even followed one of those “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Programs.” After deciding to let go, I was having a low day. I suggested going out to eat with my family (something we used to do often, but haven’t been doing lately). I was looking out of the opposite window of the car and happened to turned my head to look out my window and I saw my ex’s sister’s boyfriend turning onto the road where we were stopped at a red light CLEAR AS DAY. What are the freaking odds? He was literally driving by, so the odds were even slimmer than if he was at the red light too.
What should I make of these signs? Do you think they are simply coincidences or are they somehow supposed to comfort me?
Because you’re the one attracting the signs, it actually isn’t relevant what I think it means…it only matters what you think it means. 🙂 But I don’t think they’re coincidences.
Hi Jen. I’m not sure if you still reply but I’m so lost. I’ve been coming here often these days. I got over my ex and moved on. I got married. I was happy. So happy. Then a few days ago, my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and asked me to move out. After 1 year of marriage, everything got pulled out from beneath me. He asked for space, perhaps a few months to figure things out. We’ve just gotten back from a vacation together, it hasn’t even been a week. I’ve moved out within 24 hours. I found out yesterday he’s on a very famous hook up app. I wasn’t angry but I asked him why and he said he just needed someone to talk to and he promises he’s not sleeping around. He says he still needs his space. This sounds even pathetic to me. But this isn’t the man I remembered marrying. There were no red flags. We did fight but never to this extent. I meant my vows. I’m confused on what to do. I know the relationship is over. I want to move on, move forward. I don’t deserve this. I was good to him. Do I let him go for these few months, heal myself and just let us sit? Or should I just cut the chord now and divorce him? I don’t know what to do. I meant my vows. I know our relationship will never be the same because it is dead, it’s over. But where do I go from here?
Oh my gosh. Wow. Well, that is devastating.
I think you need a few weeks for the dust to settle. But if you feel in your heart that it’s over, proceed with moving forward. I think it’s soon for divorce papers. I don’t know how he thinks space will reignite his love for you. Did he say he wants a divorce?
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for responding.
He says he needs his space. I actually saw him last night cause I needed some paperwork he still had. We actually had a good time last night, I stayed way longer than I intended. We didn’t hook up or anything like that, we just hung out.
He told me he just isn’t sure if we can be happy together again, he hasn’t been happy for awhile and he doesn’t love me enough/anymore. He said he’s just confused and to give it time to see if he can live on his own. He told me not to take it personal if in the end, he decides not to get back to together.
I haven’t reached out unless I needed something but all of our interactions so far has been positive. He even texted me and said he had fun hanging out last night.
I’m just confused and not sure what to do. We had a good relationship. We’ve just hit a rough patch.
I think it’s just concerning that after only a year of marriage, he says he hasn’t been happy “for awhile.” What changed since he pledged his undying devotion a year ago to now?
I wouldn’t give him the perks of hanging out, which is what he wants. He gets to keep you in his life but not work on the relationship. I think he needs to understand that he has lost you. That he’s done something wrong.
Unless you also don’t love him, in which case you can move forward with the divorce as friends, which could be great. I just didn’t get the sense that was what you wanted.
Well, I brought him over to the states from another country. It’s been hard. It was so hard. Since he came over, all his credit and history has been wiped. He was 100% reliant on me for everything. He didn’t drive in his country because he didn’t need to. Everything he needed, he turned to me which put stress on me. I was handling school and two jobs and we were living with my parents on top of that until he had a work permit in the states.
I wasn’t always the best. I became angry, lashed out, needy. I was mean sometimes and I guess it spilled over. We finally moved out of my parents and he got his papers 2 months ago. But the damage was done. He no longer felt the same way after how I treated him. It wasn’t all my fault but it was so hard with immigrations and everything.
Last night, seeing him again made me realized I still love him and I still want to make it work. I apologized for how I treated him and told him I will give him the space he needed. I just feel so lost because we’ve worked so hard to be together and now this.
Thanks for this blog. I have been going through turmoil the past 3 months after my boyfriend left out beautiful loving relationship of 3 years. A few weeks later he moved all of his things out of our house and has been sofa surfing since he left that day. In a week I have to leave our home as the rental contract is up. It’s been very hard being there without him and I’m going to be staying with a friend for a couple of months before I go away for 3 weeks in November.
Since he went I have only called him once and that was last week, we have only seen each other a handful of times to sort house and car things and briefly. I hadn’t been angry with him but let him go despite my devastation. I have given him a lot of space. The phone call culminated in an hour long very emotional talk, we were supposed to meet up and then he text me saying he needed to go his separate way and move on and I did too and we shouldn’t meet. He was sorry he had led me on and he had loved me but he wasn’t in love with me anymore. (I think that’s the biggest hollywood cliche)
I told him he was a coward and a few days later he text telling me I was right and could we meet to say Goodbye. It was extremely difficult and sad and he cried the whole time but I think that was out of guilt for totally destroying my heart. He said he missed me but those feelings were not there anymore. I don’t get it, nothing has changed for me. I told him I had deleted him off facebook to try to make things a little easier as I had said on the phone we couldn’t be friends, he said he totally understood that. He wrote me a long letter saying he had learnt so much from me and cherished our time, how he cares deeply for me but now he has to go on on his own.
We said goodbye and 2 days later I realised he has blocked me on facebook, which feels very hurtful and unnecessary, it wipes all evidence of that person from your profile and them off yours. I am trying very hard but I feel I can’t cope. I thought this was it for the rest of my life with my best friend and love, the man God gave me. He thought all those things too and talked about our future, suddenly saying now he doesn’t see one with me anymore, despite how amazing a person he says i am (don’t need to hear that right now!)
I am exhausted by all of this and by my sadness and constant overthinking and churning things over. I don’t want a life without him but it isn’t my choice anymore. My life is my life and I had one before him now I need to work on one without him again.
Though I pray one days he grows and comes back. I have a hope that maybe in this time I will grow to be a better version of me and maybe then I might not even want him.
Thanks for helping me have the tiniest moment of looking forward to being just me at 27 and to think about just me for a while.
x
Hi Anna,
A couple of things.
When someone says they love “but are not in love,” it usually means you gave away too much of your power in the relationship. It could also mean you stopped living your life and gave too much of your time. That phrase means that he looked at you and could imagine how your entire future would be, and it didn’t excite him. He could predict how 100 days would go, exactly. That’s a relationship killer for both men and women. It was the same when my ex left me the first time. This time I have really learned my lesson and I have my own very full life that is fun and separate from what we have together. He is the same. The good news about this scenario is that with some time apart with no contact, the person who feels like he just “isn’t in love” will get curious about you and reach out. If you’ve really done the work I’m suggesting that you do, you will be different to him and he will sense that about you. You will have regained your power which will immediately make things better between you. But if he reaches out and you’re still desperate for him and you’d go back into the same exact pattern you were in before, he’ll lose interest. So do the work. Work hard, face your pain, create a new life from the ashes and work on letting go.
He blocked you from facebook because seeing you hurts him. Don’t be mad about that. Have compassion. It means he cares and right now seeing your pictures is too hard. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Just the opposite.
The sadness and overthinking are the worst. Trust me, I understand. But know that they can only last so long — no feeling is final. Even though it seems like it will go forever, it will fade. Happiness will return. I swear, I’ve been there. I am sending you love and comfort. It will be difficult but healing is on the way — it’s inevitable that you will feel better. And soon you will see why all of this happened the way that you did and you will — I swear — be grateful that it happened just this way.
Heartbreak is the shittiest. But it makes us so much better people, and kinder, and it increases our ability to feel a deeper happiness like you wouldn’t believe.
xo ❤️
Hi Anna,
I’m reading your story and it reminds me so much of what I’m going through right now. I just want to share my sympathy with you I’m a guy and my ex girlfriend left me in June 2015. It’s going on four months of the break up now. We were together for 3 years too!
My ex girlfriend told me that she “didn’t see a future with me”. She loved me but not “in love with me”. I loved this girl more than anything. We even spoke about marriage, kids, owning a business etc… One month before moving in together to start our life after medical residency, she broke the bad news to me. Now she lives 15 minutes from me. My ex told me that she internalizes a lot of her problems. She doesn’t want to even see me for coffee because she is still emotional and doesn’t want to visit “memory lane.”
I was heartbroken Anna. Everyone tells me to move on. I have this bottomless pit feeling in my body everyday. I wake up sad and feeling awful. I pray every night and every morning that she will come back. I know how you feel. How can someone be your everything one moment, the love of your life, and lose all feelings in the end? I even got mad and even asked God, if love is the most powerful thing in the world, how come it can be taken away in a blink of an eye and why would HE ever let something like that happen?
Jennifer Germain is right. We gave away too much of our power in the relationship and we had become too predictable. We have to go back to finding ourselves. I keep myself busy going to the gym, going out with friends, hanging out with my family, and I even talk to myself about my relationship until I was blue in the face. I still love my ex and if I had the chance, I would take her back.
I do not want the same relationship again. For the past few months, I sat down and I wrote down all the things I would have done differently and I what I would change about myself to be a better and happier person if I got my ex back or for the next partner. I’ve learned so much about myself. Take this time and learn about yourself and try to have fun.
Know that you have a person going through every similar feelings and heartbreaking emotions. Let me know if you want to talk or just have a person going through the same thing just hear you out when no one else wants to hear about it anymore. Take care my unknown friend. 🙂
Hello , I just wanted someone’s opinion on this situation just because everyone else is tired of hearing me out. My ex boyfriend has broken up with me due to losing himself and wanting to focus all his attention on college. We’ve broken up for almost 3 months now we were together for 2 years. We literally still talk everyday; however, recently he’s been on Facebook liking all these girls pictures and statuses , I confronted him about it because it got me really irritated due to the fact that he’s been telling me he wants a relationship with me once we get our shit together and that he wouldn’t want anyone else but me. When I told him about the fb stuff he said that when he gets lonely he just likes these attractive girls stuff but doesn’t have interest in them at all & if he does talk to them it’s nothing serious just as friends. The first 2 months he was telling me how he’s moved on with his life that he’s happier, but then he recently had told me he can’t deny the fact that he has feelings for me still and has gotten depressed. We met up 3 days ago since I was in Lancaster ( I live in LA) and we both had our moments when we would cry and he would express that he still wants a chance with me later on. After we met up he was acting like brand new again. What should I do? I’m still madly in love with him and I don’t know if I should let him go … /’:
If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you already know what my advice will be. Let go, and he won’t want you back unless he feels as though he’s lost you completely. Do you want someone who isn’t sure if he wants you? No, you don’t. Let him go. He’ll most likely be back but you’re only hurting yourself by holding on.
It’s been a week since I’ve contacted my ex girlfriend. We dated for over a year and I got really comfortable with her. She sufferes with deptession and I’ve tried everything to help her. It worked a little but nothing crazy changed . I love her and have been hard on her to be a better person and broke up with her. Then I wanted her back and she said she was doing better without me. I was awestruck and can’t believe that she didn’t want me anymore. I love her more than anything and don’t know what I’m going to do without her. what should I do to get her back? I was hard on her but it made her a better person, I don’t know what to do I can’t see my life without her.
Hi Jeremy,
It’ll be okay.
If you loved her more than anything, you wouldn’t have broken up with her. This happening for a reason and you have something that you need to learn.
Ignore the harsh title on this one and just read this: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2015/06/02/small-life-slow-life-i-honestly-dont-care-if-you-get-your-ex-back/
I’ll just cut to the chase. I stumbled upon your blog tonight, while specifically searching for another useful link that I had forgotten to bookmark.
I’ve poured over dozens of Google searches. Didnt find it. But I found your blog, and read your story. And it is a great story! I hate reading all the nasty things about exes never come back, etc. I am using the law of attraction to change my life, and hopefully bring my ex back.
And when I scrolled down your page I saw two links you created. I clicked on one, and it was a dead end. But…believe it or not, the other link is EXACTLY the site I was looking for this whole time. And when it opened up, all I could do was drop my jaw, then laugh. Thanks for your help, whoever you are. 🙂
You’re welcome, whoever YOU are. 🙂 I know the link you mean and it helped me immensely during my breakup too. I’ll have to check out why the other link is dead though, so thanks!
Hi Jen,
Just writing to see if you had the chance to read my update comment. No rush and many thanks for taking the time to help people without expecting anything in return 🙂
Yes! Sorry — I went on vacation and work full time! So it’s not very easy for me to answer quickly!
Hi Jen,
your blog has been a great help for me. i broke up with my ex 3 months ago. now he’s with someone new, someone who he left me for. but the in the past two weeks he always told me that how much he loves me and would see us back together, but the problem is that he can’t leave the other woman because that would make him a bad guy. he told me to be patient and to live my life. everytime i feel myself moved on, he keeps coming back and when i actually accept him, he acts cold again. do you think he is just messing/playing game with me? i love him and really want him back but i dunno if all i do just to keep hurting myself more.
If he really loved you, he would care about not looking like a bad guy for what he’s done to YOU, not how he’s going to look to her.
You’ve been demoted from “girlfriend” with him to “the other woman.” You’ve lost all your power. He will never come back to you like this. Sever all ties immediately! Do not let him have his cake and eat it too.
Let go, cut off all contact. He’s not coming back anyway. Ignore him when he contacts you and move on with your life. If you cut off all contact for at least a few months, he will try to come back on his own anyway – but hopefully by then you won’t want this guy anymore by then. You deserve better. Get on with it.
Hi Jen…
Been a while since I’ve posted here but I don’t what to do.
At the end of yet another beautiful weekend together, he collapse sobbing on my bedroom floor yesterday and told me that he couldn’t see himself marrying me and that we should go our separate ways. He say I had done everything right, that he loved me more than he’s ever loved anyone, that he thought we could be happy together, but that he had this “gut feeling” that we just weren’t the right ones for each other.
I am physically sick to my stomach and just so numb.
We had breakfast with my parents last weekend, were flying to his hometown for the long Labor Day weekend soon, going to a friend’s wedding the weekend after that, etc. We were so happy and (I thought) in love on Saturday, and on Sunday it all came crashing down out of no where. We had done the hard work, had the hard talks and were moving towards engagement and planning a life together and now this…
I feel I’ve become the best version of myself and took this giant risk and did all this self-work only to be rejected and left alone again. I understand that for him to act this way there has to be some kind of gaping wound that I could never fix for him if he isn’t willing to look inward and fix it himself but I am CRUSHED. I was so happy. I was so proud at this new, beautiful relationship we had built from the wreckage of the old one.
Last night I literally just lay in bed unable to sleep and praying for my heart to give out.
Any words you have would be greatly appreciated. Time to move on.
Thank you.
~ Mallory
Mallory,
I’m so, so sorry.
I just want to pause here for a moment. I know what you’re going through. Despair, repaired by hope and then smashed back into despair, is a blow it’s hard to come back from. I’m not taking what has happened here lightly. I imagine you aren’t either.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said there’s a gaping wound inside of him that you (or anyone, or anything, else) can never hope to fill. I don’t know much about his past but there’s a self-loathing inside of him that no amount of love can fix…until he finally damages enough of the beautiful things in his life that he figures it out and begins the long process of healing himself.
I don’t doubt that he loves you. But if that’s his gut feeling, you obviously have to honor it and thank God he did this now than after you were engaged, or, worse, after you were married. Just think of the irreparable damage he would have done if he’d left you when you were his wife, with his last name…or after you’d had children. As much as this hurts you, I would work on (from a distance) forgiving him and thanking him from sparing you from years of emotional pain.
This will hurt. But it won’t hurt as much as last time. You will rebound more quickly than before. And you’ve been freed up to now to meet someone who DOES want all of the things you want, and who deeply understands your value and doesn’t have to second-guess about a future with you.
This sadness won’t take as long to heal as you think. That doesn’t minimize the very REAL pain you’re experiencing right now.
Face it, just like you did before. Allow it to consume you. And then let it, and him, go. Forever this time.
As you are working through this pain, remember to keep telling yourself that this is about something damaged in your ex…not inside of you.
Sending so much love. It will be okay. ❤
Jen
Hi Jen…
Been a while since I’ve posted here but I don’t what to do.
At the end of yet another beautiful weekend together, he collapsed sobbing on my bedroom floor yesterday and told me that he couldn’t see himself marrying me and that we should go our separate ways. He say I had done everything right, that he loved me more than he’s ever loved anyone, that he thought we could be happy together, but that he had this “gut feeling” that we just weren’t the right ones for each other.
I am physically sick to my stomach and just so numb.
We had breakfast with my parents last weekend, were flying to his hometown for the long Labor Day weekend soon, going to a friend’s wedding the weekend after that, etc. We were so happy and (I thought) in love on Saturday, and on Sunday it all came crashing out of no where. We had done the hard work, had the hard talks and were moving towards engagement and planning a life together and now this…
I feel I’ve become the best version of myself and took this giant risk and did all this self-work only to be rejected and left alone again. I understand that for him to act this way there has to be some kind of gaping wound that I could never fix for him if he isn’t willing to look inward and fix it himself but I am CRUSHED. I was so happy. I was so proud of this new, beautiful relationship we had built from the wreckage of the old one.
Last night I literally just lay in bed unable to sleep and praying for my heart to give out.
Any words you have would be greatly appreciated. Time to move on. Thank you.
~ Mallory
Dear Mallory….when I read your comment I could not refrain from replying.
I imagine how much pain you must be feeling at the moment. It is so hard to be disappointed by those we love once let alone twice.
But I have to tell you something you are already coming out of this a stronger and better person. You chose to give him a second chance after he broke you heart..that shows immense courage and strength. Being able to cast pain aside and hope for a better outcome is a huge sign of strong character and a bold heart. Please don’t forget this. Being able to see the good in people is what makes us move forward as humanity.
You are kind and brave and hopeful and that means that you will be faced with many choices. You can now move on with a clear conscience, knowing that you gave all you could and that your faith never failed you which is more than can be said. There are so many bitter and guarded people in this world. They have let their fear take over whilst you have blossomed into a more forgiving and accepting woman.
Stand up high, wish him well…he will take some time to get over his issues but he will eventually be ok. Your path was meant to teach him a lesson, of unconditional love.
Now it’s time to apply your new findings on a new path and I have a feeling it will be a great one.
Much love to you butterfly 🙂 Stay well!
Thank you Jen for this beautiful post! It really helps a lot for those broken hearted people out there (including me). I’m from Singapore by the way. 🙂
I have been with my ex for almost 7 years (since he was 19 and I was 21). It was a beautiful relationship. No doubt we had our ups and downs. But we stood strong. I waited for him over the years till he has a stable job now.
We had plans of getting engaged this year and even applied for a house. But in the end he decided to back out, telling me that he is uncertain of the future etc. He asked me to let him go and if were meant for one another, we will come back again. I was reluctant. I did the begging and pleading. But in the end I calmed myself down and agreed to it.
After the break up, we were still contacting one another but he was being cold. I told myself that I needed to move on and let him go. I’m beginning to accept the fact that it was over and I need to live my life.
Then 2 weeks ago he kept pestering me. He texted, called and wanting to meet up. Initially I didn’t want to but then I thought since I was emotionally stable and not hoping for anything, I agreed. We met up for a casual dinner and after that he sent me home. He started crying, telling me that he regretted for letting me go. He asked if I was seeing someone else and if I still have feelings for him. But I didn’t give in, I just acted cool. After the meet up, he texted me again. He sent our couple pics, talked about our memories and even wanting to get married to me. He even asked me if he still stand another chance, telling me that he still loved me and begging me to go on a date again with him.
So I agreed to meet up with him again. We were very intimate too. This time round, I opened up my feelings to him telling him that I still loved him and I don’t mind giving him another chance. Then he told me that he needed time. The next few days he gave me the silent treatment. I had to text him and asked how he was doing etc.
To cut things short, I found out he was seeing someone else right after our meet up. When I confronted him, he told me they were just friends and he wants to make more friends. He told me that we’re just friends now and he will be happy to see me with someone else. I felt so cheated. I should have guarded myself well. Now I’m back to picking up the broken pieces again. 😦
Hi there,
I’m so, so sorry. I totally understand and that’s the worst.
There are two things to take from this situation:
1. If he’s with another girl but was still calling you, you don’t need to worry about him living happily ever after with her.
2. If he doesn’t know what he wants after being with both you and her, he is clearly not a very bright person. Do you want someone who doesn’t know if he wants you or not? NO. You do not want him. Take your power back and leave him behind.
I wish you the best in everything. ❤
Jen
Hi Jen, not too sure if you have approved my comment. 🙂
I haven’t yet. I usually don’t approve until I have a chance to fully read and answer! 🙂
Struggling with real life today…
I don’t know how to describe it other than that the world feels so much smaller without him. We had all these plans, all these little things we’d talked about doing soon like planting rose bushes in his yard and going wine tasting this fall, spending the holidays with both our families, etc. Trying not to get myself all worked-up but where does all that love between 2 people go?
Also struggling with the realization that I might just never hear from him again… It feels like I lost an arm or something.
On the other hand, all the 3 of my very empathetic/psychic best friends have been on me to keep my guard up because they swear it’s not done — that there’s another shoe to drop in terms of a reconcillation attempt on his part or some big revelation (like he cheated or something). Trying to just go about my life while simultaneously bracing myself for that hammer, but the anxiety is killing me. I think I’ve lost like 7+ pounds this week and live in constant fear of a letter showing up or a box of all my stuff or my phone buzzing and it actually being him.
It’s like dodging a ghost.
I felt the same way and while my pain still hasn’t fully subsided, I can promise you it gets easier. Interestingly, I found it hard to let go of those “little things” too. The best advice anyone can give you is to focus on YOU. I would be having major anxiety too if I was expecting something to happen. You won’t ever be able to let go or move on if you keep yourself in that prison. Don’t contact him and don’t take his calls until you have moved on- otherwise he’ll sense your desperation and any chance of reconciliation will be delayed. You NEED to let go of the fear of the future by living in the present. You can do that by making a plan of what to do if he sends you a letter or a box of your stuff. Personally, I wouldn’t read the letter- anything that is important to say, he can say it to your face. Do you need any of your stuff that you don’t have now? If not, throw the box out. I am very attached to physical objects as sources of memories (i.e. I never throw anything out…), but the moment I trashed every card, note and momento of my relationship with my ex, I felt better. I even trashed (not sold) his favorites of MY CLOTHES that he always said he liked.
It’s not going to be easy, but both of us need to hold on to the hope that this pain is happening to us for a reason. That reason will lead us to an even more amazing love (with OURSELVES and eventually, someone else, whether it be our exes or not). Good luck 🙂
Hi Jennifer I’ve been reading your blog and posts over the past few days and its really lifted my mood. I was dating a man from January to June fairly short relationship but I loved him alot. At the start he came on very strong I felt overwhelmed and pulled away, I’ve been badly hurt in past and have a son to that previous relationship so was also scared he’d get hurt. I made mistakes pushing him away but realised them and realised how much i cared for him and tried to show this and move relationship forward. He then started to pull away and eventually told me he no longer had feelings for me and ended us. I was devastated made even more mistakes crying, begging, pleading, the lot for 3 months, even when he asked for space I was just so heartbroken!!! Also his job contract was up and he could not get a job locally so he has taken a job and moved about 3hrs away. I last spoke to him last Friday, where he was still asking for time and space and he would contact me if and when he thought it was right. He also said if I’d done that 3 months ago I could of been visiting him that weekend?? The rest of the conversation was fairly light and fun. Since then I know I need to not contact him and I’ve been feeling happier and trying to be more positive and let go, after reading your blog.
Do you think I’ve completely ruined any chance with him? I know ive messed up and can see exactly how I need to change now. Do you think he will ever give me second chance ?
Thank you for your help
It’s hard to say. But most exes revisit the past and contact their ex. It happens 9 times out of 10. It’s more than likely.
But work on healing and changing yourself anyway, whether he comes back or not. 🙂
First I want to say how much I love your blog!!! Reading your posts and comments have really helped me gain perspective on my situation and continue to slowly move forward.
My boyfriend and I broke up two months ago due to in a nutshell him not being able to give more emotionally and me not being able to want less. I realized with this breakup that I am emotionally empty in places and I was looking for him to fill me up. Then I started acting needy…
My questions are for my romantic relationships going whether with him or others to better myself:
1. Can you give examples of being emotionally needy in a romantic relationship?
2. In a previous comment you said you tried to force certain aspects of your relationship with C….can you provide examples and how you were able to let that go later on and allow the relationship to unfold naturally?
3. Any tips on filling up empty spaces in life?
Thank you for all you do!!! You are appreciated more than I can say!!!
Hi Jen!
Sure. 🙂
1. Being emotionally needy is exactly what you said — it’s needing a person to fill any space larger than is appropriate. It also usually manifests in feeling rejected easily, experiencing jealousy when there’s not an adequate reason, and wanting/needing to see/communicate withthe person constantly, yet feeling somehow let down in their presence. Even when you get what you want, it isn’t enough.
2. I wanted to get married and have children, he didn’t. But by the time we got back together six months later, he had changed his mind…but so had I. In our time apart I had grown confident enough to feel that just having deep love was enough and not being so desperate for marriage and kids. We are married now, but I’m much more relaxed about everything…to the point that he tells me it’d be nice if I could be a LITTLE needy sometimes, haha. When you learn to live without the thing you think you need the most, you’ll learn that you can be happy in any circumstance. I think that’s why I’m so relaxed now. If I lost him again, I know exactly what I’d need to do to get back on my feet. Knowing I can survive that makes me more relaxed about all of it.
3. Ah yes. Get hobbies, exercise daily, read enriching books and have lots and lots of friends. Meditation also helps. Read any books by Brene Brown…they’ll help you a lot. Go to therapy. Find out why you’re so afraid people will leave you (and discover it’s the needy behavior that makes them leave you). Take cooking and pottery classes, learn a language, do yoga everyday, journal frequently…all of those activities strengthen the mind and also increase your confidence as you master new skills. Make a new future! Create new memories. It’ll be hard sometimes but you’ll be grateful and deeply happy later, I promise! ❤️
You can do this!
xoxo
Jen
Thank you so much for your response! Your take on emotional neediness is spot on. It describes where I currently am right now, but I know healing is not only possibly, but likely if I focus on it. I am so lucky to have found your blog! It is a gem! So many wonderful lessons on how to find your happiness and love yourself…everything else will then naturally work itself out. I am new to the law of attraction and would love to read a post on your take of this concept. Thank you again for all you do!!!
Jen
I have been in a long term live with boyfriend for 4 yrs. I love him very much. We have been through a lot since we have been together(helping out with sick family members, surgeries etc) He recently ask for some space to think about things I found out he was already seeing someone else. After about 2 weeks we got together to talk and he said he had slept with her and just thought best if we broke up. He said me being insecure and smothering him was too much for him. I had been working on my issues and we were doing great I thought. He never even tried to talk about it with me, which hurt. I have never been so hurt, we had made so many plans. In my heart I know he was the one. I told him since he had moved on I had to let him go, but to know I loved him very much. He kept saying wants be friends but im not sure I can do that. He also tells me I was best thing that ever happened to him and he will probably regret this? I am very depressed, cry a lot and cant eat. I know my faults in this but I wonder if there is a chance that we could get back together. I do love him and want to be with him with all my heart.
There is a chance, but you need to do some work on yourself first to heal the insecurity that caused you to smother him. Go to therapy, exercise daily, write in a journal, make new friends, learn a new language, read books on the subject, try taking a new class (pottery/exercise/painting — whatever) — these things will slowly heal you and increase your confidence. Good luck + healing will slowly come.
I started out on this breakup journey completely determined to get my ex back and do anything I could (visualizations, positive thinking, compromises with the Universe, etc) to do it. Fortunately, that only lasted about 2 months.
It’s been three months now and I’ve reached a very beautiful point of being okay without him. Though I still send out a few prayers here and there for him and I to work things out, I no longer feel the sting of wanting to contact him and I feel at peace with where I am right now. I’ve retrained my brain to see the sad/missing moments as moments where I’m not showing up for myself… and immediately I change my focus and do something that genuinely makes me happy even if that means just having a nap to recalibrate!
It’s a strange feeling to sit here and write this because I never believed I could get to this point but you believed I — and everyone else who comes to your site in desperation — could.
Wanting my ex back has been a huge part of who I was since the breakup and now that I am feeling different and question whether or not he is really what I want, I am afraid of that realization. There is a strange pull happening where I’m beginning to lean towards not wanting him but have one foot planted firmly in holding the hope of reuniting because I am too afraid of believing we might never work things out. I’m afraid of the finality of releasing that foot and moving forward but moving forward is what I want!
I know that might sound a little confusing — but as you were getting YOU back — did you experience anything like this?
Hi Sarah,
Ahh yes — your comment brings back a lot of memories for me. I too remember starting to lean toward not wanting him and actually feeling a weird ambivalence when he did come back. You’re starting to get stronger and to trust yourself more. Good job. Yes, I experienced ALL of that. Wanting him back had become who I was. When I started to get over that, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. It’s very normal. The great part is that you get to decide who you are. Don’t be afraid to let it all go. Something beautiful will take its place. 🙂 Best of luck!
This was really awesome. I know everyone writes on here but I just wanted to ask. My gf and I broke up in June although had a break starting in mid April when I was a bit distant cause I was stressed with a new job. In addition, something bad happened to her and my response wasn’t the best. I apologized and all that but still it was the straw that broke the camels back. Beginning of June I was ready to be all in (I never stopped loving or anything) and she wanted space and time and felt like so much was going on plus she has just a bunch of baggage as we all do. We were in contact every day, then every few days, then every couple weeks. I never initiated as I was respecting her space. One day at the end of August I decided to just say hey thinking about you love and miss you. And although the previous texts from her were sweet and positive the last one was saying she didn’t plan on getting back together, can’t go back to that etc. I know she still loves me (also stopped following me on IG the next day). I’ve had a rough time and am at a place now where I don’t think about it as much and when I do it’s positive and loving. But I know in my heart we are to be together. And I get signs like her name, the car she drives, running into her coworkers (she works down the street from me)
Not sure what your question is here, but keep working on yourself + that will guarantee happiness, whether she does or doesn’t come back. 🙂
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Hello, it’s so nice to see your website. My story is this. My ex was someone who crept up on me. We were young and having fun and I got pregnant from this fun. We went through a nasty horrible breakup which ended up in him being so pushed away by my neediness he found someone else to be with. I’ve fight and struggled to find my own happiness and hitting rock bottom still hasn’t gotten me there. Neither of of are perfect. We’ve both been mean and rude but now I’m trying to fix things and trying to find myself again and it’s hard. I’m fighting to be happy but the one thing that made me really happy was him. I guess I need to find the courage to let go and I’ve tried but every time I get a little voice or something happens that signals me not to. I don’t know what to do! Hopefully the best outcome will happen but idk.
Hi, I have been in a relationship with my ex for 9 years. It is true love. We made it official in December 2014. We dint get engaged but we made it official in our societies. We were going to get married in Jan 2016. We had some problems basically because of my anger, and whenever I tried asking him about any girl friends he felt I had trust issues. Ultimately in August 14 he broke up and called off our marriage. The issue wasn’t that big but his ego got too high and he couldn’t handle everything happening. I have left him for 2-3 weeks alone and then somehow contacted again. He was never the first one to contact, however he has given signs that he is upset and regrets it. I had a talk with him today. He told me he regrets ending but now after ending the relationship if he again starts his family, our societies(we live in india, hence the culture) will make talks and everyone would get angry. I told him before breaking up he did not think about parents, society etc but when trying to patch up he’s thinking. He told me I am sorry for giving u pain but we can’t be together anymore. I know he absolutely loves me but I don’t know how to make him get over that fear of what others will think. In the past too he has left multiple times and I have had to convince him but this time anything I do won’t work. I have showed him how desperate I am and he’s never scared to loose me. I am the one who has always been afraid and he knows. How should I bring him back. Please help me
Hi Ayesha,
I’m very sorry for your pain. I do understand. I don’t strategize on how to win an ex back, I only help people with how to heal themselves after a breakup. I wish you healing + joy.
Hi Jennifer!
My girlfriend and I broke about 4 months ago, and I am still not over her. We spoke about a family, kids, vacations etc.. To make a long story short, the last year of our relationship, we were in a long distance relationship due to being in school. We were to move in together after graduation and find jobs close to one another. It was stressful for us to find jobs close together so that we can live together. A month before moving in together and after a great mini vacation in New Orleans, she broke up with me, citing that she doesn’t see a future with me, she loves me but not in love with me anymore. She says that she feels incredibly guilty over this decision.
I saw her once in July and once in August to give her back her things. I begged and cried for her to come back but obviously, she didn’t. She said she wanted to be friends but I said no, that isn’t possible right now. I went No Contact for 1.5 months. In mid September, I texted her and we started some casual chats. A week later I called her and we talked. She sounded cold, sad, and didn’t really elaborate on answers to my questions. I don’t recall her asking me many questions too. “What happened to my happy exciting girl?” I thought as I was talking to her. I kept in touch with her like once a week now via text messaging – but her responses are short. When I ask her how she is doing via text, she never replies. Any other questions, she will respond. I’ve done this five times!!! Small talk like music, funny stories from the office via texting
I know that we had a loving and caring relationship. I feel like if I had not smothered her with my love and not be so clingy, things would have been different. I shouldnt have been complacent. I’ve given a lot of thought about relationship and what I could have done differently. She now lives 15 minutes from me. SHe doesn’t want to see me because she is not emotionally ready. She feels increidbly guilty over the breakup as well.
Since the break up, Ive dated, am dating and working on myself but my heart is still with her, my little hamster.
What does all of this mean Jennifer? I love her so much, and I feel like if she just would give our relationship another chance, it would blossom into something beautiful. What can I do to reignite her attraction for me. Please help. I love your blog by the way as it has grounded me and given me hope for a better life. Thank you!
Hi Daniel 🙂
Unfortunately I don’t strategize on how to get exes back. My speciality is in letting exes go. I see here that after 15 months not only has she not come back but you haven’t let go either. Sometimes you have to try the thing you haven’t tried yet. I wish you healing and happiness.
He messaged me and I didn’t respond I’m sad and miss him so I feel hurt and love him still it’s been 3 months I almost jumped to respond but remembered I have to get over him before I can allow myself contact I have been really depressed have been dwelling a lot not just him but on a lot of things and feel hurt reading the secret though it helps to read it go back to old patterns.
Why didn’t you respond?
Because you didn’t ask a question.
Oh sorry I’m not good at communicating.
Hey Jen
I enjoyed reading your blog i felt a glimmer of hope. But My name is Josh, i could really use your advice on the break up i am going through. I will give you the backstory to it.
My girlfriend and i had been together almost 4 years. We have been a great couple for just about all of it. Of course there is the ups and downs. But the last year we had been having a lot more downs than we ever had in the past. She got a promotion at her store which lead her to do training over an hour away for a month, then she went to her new store which was also over an hour away. The pressure of the new store really put her stress levels at an all time high. I was busy with school and working so it was hard to see each other except for the weekends. We were both overly stressed and seemed to be arguing way to often around one another, the love was still there but i felt myself of the last few months or so stop putting in the effort i got to comfortable in the relationship because i thought she would always be there. I came off as cold but i honestly didn’t mean for that to happen. I love this girl so much, and i began to push her away.
So around the 18th of August we got in a fight after i got back from new york, me being stubborn i took the uncaring, ahole approach. She said she was unhappy and so stressed out and i was not showing an ounce of care or tried to make her happy. I said, maybe we should take a break then, i said it because i usually would get a response like “no i dont want to do that i just want to make this better” well the next day i texted her after the fight and i said we would figure this out babe.. She told me no josh i honestly think a break is the best thing for us right now.
Of course i begged and pleaded that i wanted to work this out and that i knew i needed to change.. I poured my heart out to her like she has never heard before. I could not get her to agree to not take the break. We talked on the phone both crying, I told her we need to sit down and talk this out i want to make it work, She told me that right now she wanted space, she didnt want to throw away the relationship but she wasn’t going to stay with me based off my words. That i needed to make changes and we could work from there.
She let the relationship open to be worked out, all my friends and our mutual friends agreed as well. She left that we were in a relationship on facebook.. So i did not text her for a week. That weekend she went to Columbus and got really drunk, i reached out to her a week later, see where our heads were at. She did a complete 180! She told me she is so done and that we shouldnt be together. She would not agree to talk to me on the phone or meet up with me. I tried everything, she was being so cold to me and saying some really hurtful things. She wrote off the “entire” relationship as being so terrible that it was forced blah blah. It did not make any sense, So i went a few weeks and didnt talk to her then on the 15th of september i wrote her a letter and put flowers on her car at work, an hour plus drive. She texted me that night that she got them and thanked me for it all but that it “was not going to change her might about anything right now: She said she still needed space as she was not ready to talk to me on the phone or see me in person yet.
So fast forward to today. I tried to get her to talk with me on Sunday and she still wasnt having it. Turning everything i said back around on me. She was not ready to have a “conversation” with me. We got into it and she gave me all these bs excuses why she can “never” come back and that she cant talk to me on the phone or meet me in person because she is too “busy” We i apologize for the bs excuses she gave me and i told her i hope one day we cross paths again and were open to trying things over. And i said if not she will find happiness. She thanked me and then drops the bombshell on me that “SHE HAS BEEN SEEING SOMEONE”
i was so pissed off. I said i cant believe after a 4 year relationship youre already seeing some guy how disrespectful. She thinks its funny giving me LOL and that im just pissed because she has “moved on” and that he is treating me the way i deserve to be treated.. No shi* he wants in your pants of course he will be so nice to you… I didnt tell her that but i was thinking it.
The last message i sent her was “Im not Fu***** kidding you can stop fu***** text me.” she replied ” with multiple laughing till i cry emojis, real mature” My last text was “Nothing is funny? you got what you want now i dont want to talk to you leave me the Fu** alone”
I havent heard anything from her since.. Sadly i still love this girl and want her back but i dont know what to do at this point… I am not going to be reaching out to her anymore, if she wants to talk she will get ahold of me… I am considering removing her from, twitter, instagram and snapchat so i dont have to see her stuff because it just upsets me or makes me mad when she tweets something i know is about me and her “past is behind her, like a pony tail: And she just retweets things i know are directed toward me..
So Jen i ask you what my options are to get a second chance, because i do not know what else to do. I trying to stay calm but i am slowly going crazy! Help!!! I tried to give you a summary of everything but i did not give you everything as it would take a book to tell it all! hope this gives you enough to help me!
Josh
Also a week or so before all this came out she was atone of my best friends houses his girlfriend is good friends with her. My best friend even told her that we need to sit down and talk. She seemed to get pissed in her facial expression and told them that she is “done” nothing will “change her mind” and they told her that Josh is honestly making changes and they believe them and she told them that she doesn’t think I changed.. That I’m putting on an “act” and that I can’t change that fast. And she said it’s not changing her mind.. But once it came out that she had been seeing someone. It made sense to everyone that knew why she wouldn’t give me the time of day, wouldn’t sit down to talk with me. I just don’t know what to do.. Do I keep fighting? Is there even a chance for us? I’m not sure what to do next.. I would greatly appreciate your advice because you have been in my shoes.. You know better than I would on what can and cannot be salvaged.. Thank you Jen and sorry for the long response. I just wanted to give you as much detail as I could.
Anything can be salvaged. Any relationship. There’s always a chance. But first, you MUST fix what’s broken inside of you. And that, dear Josh, can take some time.
Hi Josh 🙂
In the beginning of this post, I ask kindly that people not send me their stories. This isn’t because I don’t care. It’s because in actuality, most breakups are exactly the same and the advice I am going to give to you is the advice I give to everyone:
You won’t get her back without letting her go. Fully, completely, totally. Trying to get her back won’t work. Even if you somehow manipulate her into being back in your life, it won’t last. Just like with this new guy she is with — it won’t last. Don’t worry about him because it isn’t going to work.
Read this post; it sounds harsh but this is the truth: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2015/06/02/small-life-slow-life-i-honestly-dont-care-if-you-get-your-ex-back/
The point of this post that I wrote “How I Got My Ex Back,” is that it only worked when I let him go. Trying to get him back failed. Repeatedly. And even if I had gotten him back, it would have failed. I had to heal myself, to address what was going on under the surface, for a big enough change to be made that he noticed.
This is happening for a reason. If you really loved her like you said you did, you wouldn’t have treated her coldly or acted like an asshole (your words, not mine). Your ego is hurt that you lost her. When you really love someone, you don’t mistreat them. Period. That doesn’t mean she’s innocent. It means that you both have a lot of work to do before you ever stand a chance of being back together and working out, so you should focus on yourself first before you even try to be back with her.
I loved the link, I have done a lot of soul searching in myself I know what I want out of a relationship, and how to be all the time. I cannot get complacent in a relationship. I have been working out and going out with my friends all the time. I post snapchats of my friends and I having a great time! She seems to always look at my snapchats then I start to ask why? Why look at them if she doesn’t care or is over me? I think it has been hard because I know the new me that I worked so hard for months to become would make her happier than she has ever been even when we were at our best. She just isn’t having it. I haven’t seen her since the break/break up because she did it through text.. It’s the hardest when you know that you could make it better but you just don’t get the time of day. How can their love/feelings/care go away so easily?! It hurts when you care so much for someone but you get a nothingness in return. But I want to ask you a couple questions..
1) why do you think our exes didn’t care to fix things when we felt they could be fixed? Why they wait until we’re not around anymore to decide to come back in our life and reach out?
2) do you recommend deleting them off social media? Or is that an immature move.
3) when you finally gave up on him did you reach out to him at all? Or were you only going to initiate contact only when he did first?
4) How do exes know that we are truly better if they had no contact with us during our healing and moving on process? Like how you made great changes and were moving on past him, to the point you were seeing someone. How do they “know” were better if they have no contact with us?
5) should I not contact her at all no matter what and wait until she reaches out to me?
6) why do you think they say there is no going back to this relationship, they cannot change how they feel. Then months or years down the road it all of a sudden changes for them where they want us back? It doesn’t make sense if they loved us they should fight for us not just give up and walk away, then realize in time they want to reach out and reconnect. I don’t understand their logic on that.
Again thank you so much Jen you have been a huge help I can’t thank you enough🙏🏻😊
1) why do you think our exes didn’t care to fix things when we felt they could be fixed? Why they wait until we’re not around anymore to decide to come back in our life and reach out?
Because sometimes you have to lose something to realize its value. Sometimes you have to try dating someone else to realize you were the most compatible with your ex. And mostly, sometimes a situation seems hopeless until you’ve had a little space from it. It’s the same way people leave jobs, get another job, realize what they were missing and go back to try to work at the old job.
2) do you recommend deleting them off social media? Or is that an immature move.
I highly recommend deleting off social media for many reasons, but mainly because you shouldn’t be seeing her stuff AND she should be curious about you + not able to see your stuff.
3) when you finally gave up on him did you reach out to him at all? Or were you only going to initiate contact only when he did first?
When I gave up I stopped reaching out, period.
4) How do exes know that we are truly better if they had no contact with us during our healing and moving on process? Like how you made great changes and were moving on past him, to the point you were seeing someone. How do they “know” were better if they have no contact with us?
They sense it. I’ve seen this way too many times for it to be a coincidence.
5) should I not contact her at all no matter what and wait until she reaches out to me?
Do not contact her at all. For any reason. Ever.
6) why do you think they say there is no going back to this relationship, they cannot change how they feel. Then months or years down the road it all of a sudden changes for them where they want us back? It doesn’t make sense if they loved us they should fight for us not just give up and walk away, then realize in time they want to reach out and reconnect. I don’t understand their logic on that.
That’s kind of what you were asking in question 1. She just needs something different right now and sometimes people are too tired to fight. You were fighting for a year and you’ve become distant. She wants a break. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It just means it got too hard.
Thank you for the advice Jen, I am going to try to delete her from all social media.. It’s hard though I go to hit the unfollow button and for some reason I cannot do it yet! I will not reach out to her, it won’t fix anything I know she needs to reach out to me! I have that voice in the back of my mind telling me if I do this I’m giving up on her.. The things she said run through my head since she started seeing someone for idk how long since the break up. Which is not even at two months yet. Her saying she has moved on and so happy right now and there is no going back to us scares me, I worry she will never get me out of this negative light and not see any good from me and her. Did your ex at the time say the same things? Do the feelings she says she cannot change, always change to positives feelings in time if we disappear from their lives? With her seeing this guy I worry that this will be the rare rebound that works and she just forgets about me and will only see me as a bad memory… I know it isn’t as easy as she says it’s been. I don’t know if she misses me but I know she is missing my family and the friends we always hung out with. I pray that if I continue the no contact and keep bettering myself that she will come around or reach out to me.. But the back of my mind keeps whispering that I’ll probably never hear from her again… The break/break up was handled so poorly leaving in open to work on it and make things better if I started to change, to doing a 180 and saying it’s over and done. No phone calls no meet ups she couldn’t do it. Why do you think she couldn’t see me or give me a phone call? That it might be hard because it would bring up feelings or that maybe she just didn’t care anyone? I don’t know how you got through this to the point of getting him back because everything seems so darn hopeless right now. 😔 Thank you Jen you are a blessing, having someone who has went through this and can give first hand knowledge is a rare thing to find! It must of been meant to be that I found your page!!!
He definitely said the same things to me. He said he loved me but not enough and that it would never be enough. Well, now we’re married and he loves me TOO much sometimes! Anything can change, anything can happen, but first you do have to let go and show her that YOU have moved on too (even if you’re only beginning to). Delete her! She’s not sitting around worrying about how sad you are…don’t give her digital access to your life!
I deleted her it was the hardest thing ever! I hope it wasn’t a mistake and she thinks it was immature… But I hope I get the same fortune as you did! I am happy for you! But my ex seems to have moved on and is over it all. Already has another guy and doesn’t seem bothered by the break up.. I guess in time I’ll see what I meant to her. My friends and our mutual friends think I’ll hear from her again but I just don’t see it because I guess I’m negative about the situation.. Thanks Jen I will keep you updated on what happens.
Josh
Did you use the law of attraction at all? The last part confused me. Like for law of attraction are you supposed to launch your desires and think about other things and move on or constantly put forth ALL of your attention towards that one thing? I’ve heard both before but it feels the first works better.
The LOA works as such:
1. Ask for what you want
2. Feel the feeling of already having what you want
3. Believe you will get it
4. Let go and know it will come
Okay cool I remember wanting an ex badly while she was with someone else and then eventually I just gave up on it and one day I texted her and we got back together. Would that fall under it? I’m just confused on the whole concept
Yep, that would!
Hey is it possible to get an ex girlfriend back after being super needy and wussy toward the end. And then begging afterwards? I would really like to know because I do love her, if so how? and is it possible through law of attraction?
Yes, it’s possible. I don’t do strategy on getting exes back, however. You’re welcome to read the 400 comments that are here and my other posts, though!
One more question that I cannot seem to find the answer on. Getting an ex back is something I want (obviously) but law of attraction confuses me. It tells us to go hard and visualize and wrote down and send love etc. like really make a conscious effort. But it also says to let go and don’t think about it and things like that. What is it that you are supposed to do? I don’t understand. Try to send love or cut them off and all emotions? It’s very confusing, I’d just like to know what you did with it. The story you told was amazing but I’m unclear on what exactly to do or what you did as far as loa goes
The answer is both. What I would really do if I were you would be to give up on her for now. If you are using LOA as a way to manipulate her back into your life when she doesn’t want that, it will backfire. Badly. So accept that she doesn’t want a relationship with you for now and work on yourself. I’ve answered lots and lots of questions like this in other comments. The quickest way to get her back is to accept that she’s gone! It IS counterintuitive but the longer you desperately hold on, the longer she’ll stay away.
Hey Jen, its Josh!
I wanted to give you an update. My Ex who i told you was seeing someone else right after our break up told me that they were official. How can someone just jump into another relationship like that after 4 years with someone. She told me that “im very happy right now, ive never been this happy, not even with you. im with someone thats the complete same as me. i’ve never been so comfortable around someone. He takes careof me. He’s there for me when i need him. He will do anything to see me or make me happy. All the CRAP YOU NEVER DID. You have to understand where im coming from, why would i ruin something like that?”
First off i will say that its totally not true that i never did that stuff for her, she has seemed to completely write off anything great that i did for her? Why is she only focused on the negatives in me? Secondly, she has just met this guy a complete stranger… And she feels so comfortable with him and he takes care of her? She acts like she has been with this guy for years? I do not understand it.
I told her that since the break up i have changed and that i know she would not regret coming back because i am a whole new person. I want to be her man do things she wants to do. I want an opportunity to show her how different and better it will be. I said i think we deserve a chance to overcome this. But she said she isn’t going to just break up with this new guy. that she would be dumb to do that. she kept asking me why would she leave this new guy when she is so happy? Like she wants to hear my response to it? Why even ask it if she is just going to shoot it down, no matter what i say?
Toward the end of the conversation i said that we have no trust between us and that the only way we will ever be open to anything in the future is if we work on trusting and allowing that to help us open up. she told me that i am her ex boyfriend and she has no need to trust me… Harsh i know…
i said that i wanted it so that maybe something might happen in the future, a friendship or more. She told me that she doesnt see a point its just not going to happen, me and you. it wont. i dont want it too. I told her i hated that we cannot even be civil. And she responded with, We cant be civil because you arent understanding that we are not getting back together now or in the future. Once i understand that we can maybe be civil.
How can she just write it off as never going to happen EVER! is it because the new guy she has? Is it her true feelings? Makes me wonder if she even thinks or cares about me at all? I know she has her feelings toward me closed up inside her with her walls up as high as the Eiffel tower! But how can she we so certain it will never happen? No one can see the future, “time is a powerful thing, you can never ever know what the future will hold.”
With all the questions ive asked in here, i would just like your advice on it. I havent spoken to her since and i dont plan on it. Do you think its over, is that her true feelings? I feel like she isnt truly over me, or has zero feelings for me because why would she even continue to text me back? If she did not care whatsoever she would of had no problem just not responding to my messages!
You give amazing advice and i think you will see what is the best way to approach this, or if its truly over. Did your husband say anything like this to you when he left you?
Thanks Jen!
Josh
Josh,
You are resisting what I’m telling you and I’m beginning to see why she’s so frustrated with you — you don’t listen.
You have to let her go.
Yes, it’s over. Does that mean in a year that things won’t change? No. But for now, it is really and truly done. She’s telling you so. Believe her.
You’re not a whole new person. If I can feel through just your writing that you’re insecure and desperate for her, trust me, SHE can feel it. You need to let her go and really take a hard look at your life right now. There are issues preventing you not just from getting her back, but from being happy with anyone else.
She told you she was happy now, and YOU responded that she would regret not coming back to YOU? Do you think that made her want to be with you? Because I guarantee that statement made her want to be as FAR away from you as possible.
A truly loving person would say to her, “It makes me so sad to lose you, but I accept that you’ve moved on and I won’t bother you again. I wish you the best and I am so grateful for the time we had together. Goodbye.”
And then that loving person would go to therapy and the gym, and read books and make friends, and say yes to new experiences so he could strengthen himself and be better for his next relationship.
Mastering the law of attraction is not what you need. Understanding what it is about you that made her leave, and how to heal that, is all that you need to be thinking about now.
And before you say I’m being too hard on you, I’m not. Because I went through this. I was needy and clingy and desperate and it took me four months to figure out that I had repelled C away. Once I understood that, I let him go because I recognized my role in our breakup and I did the hard work of healing myself. When C and I saw each other again, I didn’t have to tell him I was a whole new person. He could see it immediately. And when I saw him again, I had become so happy with my life that I didn’t need him to come back to me.
I think these were her true feelings, yes, and that you’ve done a lot of damage in these conversations with her. Turn your face away from her and take a good look in the mirror. You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you attract her, or anyone, into your life.
Hey Jen,
Sorry for the late reply but i have been busy with work and school! I wanted to clear up that i did not say she would regret not coming back to me, i told her if we ever sat down and tried to work on things that she would not regret that! But i understand what you are saying! I am focusing on myself, going to the gym, out with buddies! I do not let her get to me anymore. Like i told you i unfollowed her from social media, she changed her twitter to public so i would see her name when she is tagged in my friends posts. She probably did that for that reason but i told myself i dont care anymore! I have not texted her in almost a month, and i do not plan to text her. I am going to live my life, at some point she will see the improvements in me, instead of me telling her! She may reach out to me, she might not but the ball will be in my court! I have been texting a new girl that i met, and she is a sweetheart! We will see where things go! i will always hold out hope that we speak again, maybe date, but i am going on with my life as if i will never hear from her again! I will keep you updated, and if i need anything i will be sure to ask for your advice because you are so honest with everyone! Have a great halloween weekend!
Josh
Josh,
I can relate to your struggle, which is why I felt compelled to reply. You made the same mistake I did- trying to convince her you’ve changed. If you did actually change, you wouldn’t need to tell her and you would trust that these things will work out exactly how they are supposed to be. I was the same way and would try to twist my desperate tendencies into pretty convincing logic by telling myself, “Well, he just needs a tiny push and since I’ve “changed” so much so fast, I’ll just let him know!” Desperate people try to prove themselves to others. I hate to tell you this, but one day you are going to regret not leaving her alone. I know I do and it got so bad that I sought out therapy to help. Speaking of such, I think you should really consider going to a therapist. Your ex-girlfriend gave you numerous, clear-cut signs that she has moved on. She even outright told you, yet you still can’t let go. Therapy will help because there are probably other issues going on besides your ex.
With all the mistakes we made, it’s important to rremember to learn from them and move on. I can 100% for certain say that I would have never realized how insecure, needy, weak and desperate I was (and sought out ways to improve myself) if my ex didn’t leave. The thought of myself with someone else used to literally make me naseous, but now I’m like, “Why the heck not? It can’t get any worse than it is right now. I’ll live. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE THAN BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.” You’ll have your bad days (I know I do), but you need to embrace them, let yourself hurt for a little and then (this is the part I never understood) DON’T DWELL IN IT. I would either bottle up the sadness or let it consume me. Both are extremely unhealthy. Cry for a little, maybe write down your feelings and then pop in a funny movie or call a friend (but don’t talk about your ex at all!!)
You need to let go, forget about getting back together with your ex and move on. Sure, things may be different down the road, but focus on the present. Thinking “Well we could get back together later!” gives you false hope to cling to. Live your life as if you’ll never get her back (Because honestly, you and I most likely won’t get our exes back. It stings, but it’s true. Jen was the exception) and THEN you’ll start doing things for you and that’s when your happiness will come.
I am grateful for your post! I have accepted the break up and i have been doing things for me! i go to the gym, out with my buddies on the weekend, and i am focusing on school and work. The way she went about ending the relationship left a bad taste in my mouth that i might not fully get over, but i am living my life with the thought i may never get together with her again. But like i have said my whole life, never say never! time is a powerful thing, because you can never see the future not even our exes can, even if they say never again, i have seen it countless times that is said and months or years down the road they are dating and happier than ever! Look at Jen she went through what we are now and we need to focus on ourselves, live life to the fullest and be as happy as can be! Trust me our exes will one day see that difference in us and they may reach out, they may not! But the ball will be in our court, just like it was for Jen!
Have you had any contact with your ex? When did the two of you break up? How long did you date?
Josh,
I’m glad that you’re moving on and focusing on you. While I didn’t see the effects right away, that stuff does really help. I contacted my Ex about a month after he broke up with me. I was following some stupid “Ex- Boyfriend Recovery” program from online. I am now fully convinced those things prey on people’s weakness for money. While I didn’t pay and used the free guides, the “full” version costs $50. What a scam. Manipulating someone NEVER ends well. After that, I kept pushing to hangout. We only ended up hanging out once and I could instantly tell he wasn’t into it. I ended up saying that I didn’t want to hangout anymore and told him he should have been honest with me about not wanting to hangout. He then ignored me. At the 3 month mark of our breakup, I broke down and called him, begging him to take me back, telling him how much I have changed and how our relationship deserved another chance. Should I have done that? Of course not. BUT, he (while I believe completely unintentional) gave me false hope by saying, “I still need time to decide. I’m not sure how I feel.” A few weeks later, I found out he started dating around WAY before I contacted him. He was too nice to say no, but that ended up hurting me even more. I haven’t contacted him since that phone call, at the beginning of July and I don’t plan to ever initiate any sort of conversation with him again. He doesn’t deserve it and he’s not worth it if he can’t see that I’m worth it. I completely regret contacting him and there’s something that will always wonder what would have happened if I didn’t. Would he be back? Honestly, probably not. He’s too stubborn for his own good. However, I try not to focus on that. ALL things happen for a reason and honestly, I don’t want him back anymore. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now because I need to date myself first. He made a huge mistake and doesn’t even realize it. I feel sorry for him. I am going to find someone who will give me what I need, including all of the things my ex couldn’t.
Never say never is a great motto to live by, but be careful. All people are different, but for me, that motto gave me false hope in terms of relationships. If you truly believe that, a part of you will cling to that hope, which will prevent you from letting go. I have let go of ALL hope that my ex will return. I honestly don’t believe it’s going to happen. Yes, it’s sad, but I felt so free afterwords. Focus on the present and on working yourself and remember to live as if she is never coming back. It’s going to take time and there will be a lot of back and forth, but each day, you’ll get stronger. It’s going to get better. I promise 🙂
You seem to be doing a great job. It’s hard to control your emotions sometimes and you reach out then you regret it! But we learn to control it, it has been over 3 weeks since I have talked to my ex. I don’t plan to contact her, if she wants to ever talk she can reach out. Will she? Idk I hope one day she does but I’m not going to wait on it. 4 years to me is a long time to be totally over and not care about someone after just 2 months. She has been sending smoke screens like changing her Twitter from private to public because she knows I will see her tagged in friends posts.. No other reason I can see her changing her profile to public but to get a reaction out of me. I unfollowed her a few weeks ago, I knew it was private but she changed it to public. Why? Because I think it was for me to notice. She says she is over and moved on from me and she doesn’t care, but actions like that tell a different story! I am trying not to react to it even though it makes me mad because she wants a reaction it will give her satisfaction and power! I’ll keep strong and in time I’ll see what the future holds. When was the last time you and your ex talked? If he ever reached out to you would you talk to him? We never know how we will react when it happens that why I said never said never! It’s hard for me because my best friend and his gf have brought my ex around to hang with them, I think it’s messed up on his part because he should have my back.. It makes it hard when she isn’t fully out of my life and my circle for me to not think about her but I hope talking to him about it AGAIN he will see where I’m coming from and he shouldn’t let her come around as much because it’s not normal anymore, and in the long run its going to cause tension in our friendship circle, when they have to choose who to invite to hang out with our group of friends. She shouldn’t stay in my circle of close friends because she knows them only because of me, it makes healing for me harder if she is around them. Hopefully you don’t have that situation because it’s a crappy one to deal with! Hope to hear from you, if you need to vent I’m here!
Josh
And also I forgot to mention at least your ex picked up the phone after three months! Shows he cared enough to talk with you not knowing what it could be about. My ex won’t talk to me on the phone, meet up nothing. She would only text me and we talked on the phone one time that was during the “break”. He might of just been nice to not hurt you, but maybe he sees this person awhile and he may realize what he had with you and he will go out of his way to talk to you! Idk if you want that but you never know until you’re in the situation. I believe he will come around if you continue to not contact him and keep bettering yourself! He will sense it like Jen has said. Stay strong!
Josh,
I haven’t talked to my ex in a little over 4 months. I honestly don’t know if I would pick up the phone if he called. 4 months ago, I literally told him I would wait for him, would always be there for him and would always answer the phone. I gave up all of my power. He could have came back whenevet he wanted and he knew it. After realizing this, I reclaimed the only morsel of power I had left and didn’t wish him a happy birthday. I felt bad at first, but then I felt really good. It was almost my silent way of saying, “Think I’m your helpless puppy dog? Think again, Jerk.” Little by little, I lost the urge to call him and gained the urge to better myself. Right now, I feel like talking to him will bring me back to that dark place I was trapped in for almost 8 months. I honestly don’t know and while it’s confusing, it makes me happy because just a few months ago, the answer would have been “YES!”
I almost wish he didn’t pick up the phone or agreed to see me. It would have hurt like hell, but I would have had greater motivation to move on instead of clinging on to false hope.
Seeing your ex with your friends is tricky, but I don’t think it’s fair to claim them as “your friends” and say she is wrong for hanging out with them. You introduced them to her. Just because you aren’t together, doesn’t mean she has to lose friends she made. Also, your friends shouldn’t have to choose between you either. The only way around this is to plan get togethers at your house and invite who you want to. Bonus: You won’t have to drive anywhere. Also, avoid situations where you’ll know she’ll be. Good luck!
It’s amazing how strong you are! I do hope I hear from mine, I’m sure he will reach out to you because he is going to sense your moving on! Stay strong and be open to anything! And I do see where your coming from but I think it’s wrong they hang out with her like they do.. The way she did me they shouldn’t even be able to look at her the same. I would never do anything like that to my best friend I would tell my gf to hang out with her on her own time! I would not put myself in that position to hurt my friend like that. My feelings should matter, I can’t move on like I want with seeing her in pictures with them and I don’t want to associate with people that are hanging with my ex.. If things get better between us, maybe it will be different but only time will tell.
Hi karla. I’ve been in the exact same situatuon. Except, mine only took a month for him to come back. I already moved on somehow, like I am happy being alone, I already accepted that we’re done. Now he’s back and I’m confused. How did you start over again? Did you ask him for time alone think about it? I asked him and now he’s waiting for me. What’s my next move, should I be the one to initiate contact? It’s been 2 weeks since he came back. And 5 days since I asked him to give me time. We haven’t talked since. How do we start over again? Should I give in after he hurt me? I’ve been through hell when he left me because he’s confused and thought he didn’t love me anymore. But now he’s making all the effort to show me he’s sorry. But I just can’t forget what I’ve been through, I almost died survivng the days after he broke up with me. I don’t want it to be easy for him to get me back. Also, this saying “if you love someone, let them go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours” should I believe this? It’s just so fast, one month and he’s back.
Hi Bash,
Are you asking me these questions? Because my name is Jen. Not sure who Karla is 😉
I lost myself as a person when I was in the relationship. I let it decay and I didn’t realize what I had or found myself again till she left me. I put the wrong things first. I tried to show her how I really felt after…I wrote letters, apologized, left a cd, drove to another state (where we first met) to give her a painting I made on a trip with friends. (She even told me she missed me there, ironically as I broke down by myself at the place we first met), I bought a plane ticket back home once to leave her flowers. Eight months went by so I tried moving on and when she found out she wrote me messages saying how she missed me and can’t believe I’m moving on. It brought me back to feeling sad…I agreed to meet with her 2 times and both times she bailed on me… I’m dating someone now and ran into my ex in the woods and at the gym while with this new person and I feel sad, we didn’t even say hi. Any advice?
Keep doing what you’re doing. Spend time with the new person and try to heal. The sadness is normal. It will continue to get better. Her bailing on you tells you everything you need to know. Let her go.
Hi Jen! I emailed you about something I was wondering about and I wasn’t sure you got it. Can you please check your email? Thanks!
Not sure where you emailed me, and I don’t accept emails anymore. Anyway, I didn’t get it. You’re welcome to leave a comment here and I will try to answer when I can.
Hi
I’ve recently gone through a terrible break up from someone I believed and still believe he was/is the love of my life. The break up was all kinds of ugly. I’m so inspired by these articles and just reading other people’s posts and their experiences. It gives me so much hope. Hope to heal and become a better person for ME. More than anything I want to love myself more and work on me first. I’m still a bit shaky but every time I feel the urge of doing something stupid I come back here and remind myself of where my focus should be. Thanks for creating a platform for us yo VENT and in return heal, I honestly don’t know how I would have dealt with it alone.
Regards
Sally
Hi Sally,
You’re so welcome. I was there too. ❤️
Reach out any time you need.
Jen
Hi Jennifer,
I’ve been wrestling with this with family and friends and thought maybe someone else online could help.Here’s my situation.
I have known my fiance for over a year, we met online and have visited each other many times. I’ve flown over to ireland three to four times for weeks at a time and she had visited the US for six weeks to try it out in february and for the fiance visa for six weeks in July-Sept. We would talk everyday for four to five hours a night while we were apart. She is very close to her family and loves her country. She believes Ireland is the best thing since refried beans. My plan was for her to Move to the US and we could live there while she could visit ireland for two to three months every year with the future kids for summer and christmas and then we’d move to ireland for good when I retired since I’m the bread winner and my specified job is in america (I’m a petroleum Engineer). However she back peddled and said she doesn’t think what we had is strong enough to leave her family. So she came up with a five year plan. When she moved to the US for five years then we have to move back to ireland and find work there. I really loved her to i agreed to the promise.
Well while she was over in the US for the fiance visa she started getting really homesick. A week or so before the wedding she said she realized why she had doubts about the marriage and that was that she loved me but wasn’t “in love with me” and that I should treat her more like a lover instead of a friend. But to not worry about it and we can work on it. The next night she popped the question. “If i wanted to go back to ireland in a year will you go with me?” I said no. “what about after five years to raise our kids?” I sighed and just said no. She called off the wedding and cried alot. I should have said something other than no. Like, yes that’s our plan. Or we’ll do what’s best for our family. A couple days later when we were trying to work it out she came up with a compromise to take the 5 years to actively save money and look for employment for both of us in ireland. But I said no to that… (Big Mistake) But in the aftermath I explained to her how hard of a time I would have finding work in ireland that would pay was well as over here and how I wouldn’t be comfortable there since it’s so rural compared to the US. Basically I shot myself in the foot. Once she learned how I truly felt she said she didn’t want to get married to me anymore. She wanted to raise our kids to be with her nieces and nephews and still be in the small ireland community. She believes that ireland has just as good colleges and schools as the US and just as much job opportunity as the US. Even though I realized my error and would go to Ireland now in a heart beat she is convinced ireland isn’t for me and doesnt even want me there. She left me and flew back to ireland. No matter how much I tell her I want to work it out and retalk about it and how i can make ireland work she doesn’t want to hear it and said she made up her mind. She loves me like a brother. It has been a month now. She’s been on dating sites and has been actively dating and seeing other guys. Even skyping other guys instead of me like we used to. I tried limited contact for this month that passed and would only respond to her if she initiated. In the past month she drunk called me twice but always regretted it and said she wasn’t thinking clearly. I sent her 2 love letters that she didn’t know how to respond because she said she doesn’t feel the same way. She said when in ireland she realized she didn’t want me anymore. It’s been weeks since she last called me. A few days one of her friends contacted me asking how I was doing and said it was true there is nothing here in ireland for me and She told me ex that and my ex agreed with her. Her friend was rooting for me and trying to convince her to give me a chance but I guess it didn’t work. She said my once my ex makes up her mind it’s made up. But suggested maybe blocking her from fb and skype to shock her or wake her up. I had unfriended her before and she didn’t realize this till a week and a half later – Due to all the new guys she’s been messaging with over fb instead. She’s already having regular skype conversations with a new guy and doesn’t seem to miss me anymore. Everyone says to move on. But I’m wondering is there anyway she’d change her mind? My ex said it herself no one’s ever treated her as well as I have. It’s a difficult situation since it’s international and she’s half way across the world but I love her so much. However, she has said I’m not the one. I’m not her soul mate. She consistently says she doesn’t want to get my hopes up. And the only thing in the future she sees us being is friends if I choose to do so. I’m just wondering is she doing that to push me away because she knows it’s so hard to make this work? Since then she told me she just got a new training manager job at a small restaurant near her family’s house, and she plans to save up money to buy a car and learn how to drive it. She’s picking her life back together and the next thing is a new local relationship and boyfriend I’m sure. She says we can’t and won’t work. She says she only sees a future of friends between us. She tells me and everyone that asks that she made the right decision to leave me. Basically as of now she has no plans of america or me in her mind. Is there a way how she can eventually see that she actually did make a mistake? Or regret that she left me and our life in america? Anyway I tried to outright blocked her from fb and skype so she has no means of even contacting me except through email, international calling to my phone, or through our mutual friends. But I was weak freaked out and called her a couple days later. I’m such a mess. Is there any hope for us? She has to have a change in mind set or abe open to reconciliation for me somehow. Do I try to be her friend to get her to fall in love with me? What do I do?
Hi Christian,
I don’t strategize on how to help people get their exes back, I talk about how to heal when an ex has left. But my advice to you, and everyone else, is always the same: let her go. If it’s supposed to work out, it will. But if you allowed her to cancel the wedding because you couldn’t even consider moving to Ireland, you weren’t ready to get married anyway and she was right to leave you. Leave her be.
I know you don’t like it when people tell you their break up stories and I understand, so I’ll keep it short.
He told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. We tried to fix it and it didn’t work out. Like you, I pleaded and cried. Didn’t work out either.
Fast forward 2 weeks later (After senior prom; I’m only 18), I had the weirdest feeling that I HAD to text him that I was letting him go. I remember telling him that “our paths probably will never cross again” and I wished him well. He responded and I never replied. That was my last text to him. I threw out/recycled/donated nearly everything. I wanted to rush through the process but I didn’t. I felt it all at once. There were nights where I couldn’t breathe, days where it felt like it dragged, and I just wanted it all to end. I never once reached out him.
I did however, contact a psychic. I never believed in them. I’m majoring and minoring in the science fields and never once I thought a psychic could ever prove to be true. I felt like I had nothing to lose, though. So I made an appointment. Many of her predictions have come true. She said my ex’s mom will argue with me (predicted 2 months ahead), she saw him waving at me (happened the other day), said there was a concert at my work place (it happened: I never mentioned where I worked), said my mom was going to the hospital and she needs to switch doctors (happened 5 minutes after the call, it really shocked me). She said my ex will get back with me.
I know I’ve let go. I’ve healed. But I still wonder about it. And it’s weird. I go to the 2nd largest university in the nation and some how, my ex ended up in the same chemistry class as me (there are several chemistry lectures here too!!). And somehow, I ended up car pooling with one of his close friends (this was COMPLETELY unintentional and I had no idea they were close until his friend told me).
The psychic also told me has been talking to other girls but he compares them to me and they never work out. I thought it was bluff cause my ex was never that type of guy. Well, his friend told me the other day he was on tinder and how my ex continues to talk about me and how these tinder things never work out. Exactly what my psychic says.
I know I am still so young. Life has SO much to offer me and me to the world. I know there can be other suitors. But all of this is too much to me to be a coincidence.
What are your thoughts on this?
What I think is irrelevant. What matters is that YOU believe it.
I think psychics predict one potential future. If we believe in it, we help create it. I saw a psychic after C and she was dead wrong. So I don’t invest a lot in what others say will happen for me.
I guess if the other things she’s saying are true and you tend to believe her, then believe her? It’s your choice, really.
What did your psychic tell you on your reading?
That there was another woman, that he’d call me in one week and that we wouldn’t get married. She was wrong about 100% of it. Take it with a grain of salt. 🙂
Hey Jen,
Sorry for the late reply but i have been busy with work and school! I wanted to clear up that i did not say she would regret not coming back to me, i told her if we ever sat down and tried to work on things that she would not regret that! But i understand what you are saying! I am focusing on myself, going to the gym, out with buddies! I do not let her get to me anymore. Like i told you i unfollowed her from social media, she changed her twitter to public so i would see her name when she is tagged in my friends posts. She probably did that for that reason but i told myself i dont care anymore! I have not texted her in almost a month, and i do not plan to text her. I am going to live my life, at some point she will see the improvements in me, instead of me telling her! She may reach out to me, she might not but the ball will be in my court! I have been texting a new girl that i met, and she is a sweetheart! We will see where things go! i will always hold out hope that we speak again, maybe date, but i am going on with my life as if i will never hear from her again! I will keep you updated, and if i need anything i will be sure to ask for your advice because you are so honest with everyone! Have a great halloween weekend! I am done being the needy, desperate guy post break up. I am going to do exactly what you did! I know it took you for months to give up on him. Hopefully me only being around two months and realizing it is a better thing! I will not contact her again until she reaches out to me. It took me a few posts but you have it in my head what i have to do! Let go, move on and then and only then will she possibly come around! Thank you Jen, i will keep you updated and maybe my story will end like yours did!! Have a great Halloween weekend!
Josh
Ahhhhhhhhh okay, I misunderstood! Sorry for jumping on your case! 🙂 I understand what you said to her and in that case, you were probably right — sitting down to work it out with you would not have been something she’d regret. But at this point, you’re doing the right thing. Working out, time with friends, even texting the new girl…these are all things that will heal you in time. Will you have a chance to have closure with your ex? Will she check in on you soon because she’s curious about you? Most likely, yes. But moving on assuming she WON’T do those things is the right thing to do, and that’s exactly what you’re doing. Good job and keep me updated. 🙂
I will keep doing what I’m doing! And it’s okay I wanted to clarify what I said with you because it was easy to see how you could of thought that’s what I said! I hope I do hear something from her sometime and I think I will be it won’t be anytime soon! By moving on though she will sense it, it’ll be my call at that point whether to text back or not! Who knows maybe this new girl will be something special! I’ll keep you posted! Thanks Jen
Josh
Hi Jen,
Wow – it’s really emotional reading all of the comments and knowing that i am not alone. I was with my boyfriend for a while and things have ended, but i have made the mistakes of calling daily…alot, texting, crying, begging, i have done it all. He has now told me that because of my behaviour that he is really done and that their is no hope of any chance.
I regret how i reacted.
I truth is, it has been nearly three months of me begging daily and saying ill do one thing, but always do another.
He told me two days ago that he has started chatting to someone else over Facebook…this after i called, like i usually do to ask him because was stalking his page.
I love him a lot…but i can’t keep doing this to myself. Being a gay 26 year old male…he was probably the most significant relationship ive had since most guys messed me around.
I just want things to be okay between us at the end of the day…even if we are just civil. But like you say…i need to let go…and he told me this morning again when i called that i need to walk away that he has no trust or faith in me based on my actions and lies about the fact that i will move on.
I need to know where to from here. I called him this morning while i was driving to work and told him i would not be calling until i am okay…until i have dealt with the break up…until i have something NEW and POSITIVE to say.
He agreed. But even as i type this….i have the urge to call….about nothing!!. Its so frustrating that i feel this way.
It was he who came back to me when the first break up happened in May. I begged then for weeks..but when i stopped for two weeks….thats when he contacted me and wanted me back. We broke up on August 22nd because he said he was not ready yet and not sure. He wanted to be friends but i couldnt just jump to being that because i was inlove with him.
I know there are many fish in the sea….but this has really broken me.
I am hoping when i can keep my word this time and not contact him at all. i need to stop looking at his social media pages, i know itll hurt me.,
If anything, i just need to be okay in the end.
I hope in a while me and him can be okay…i would rather have him as a friend, than as nothing at all.
Sigh,
Brandon
If you can’t keep your word to him, he won’t ever trust you.
If he can’t ever trust you, he won’t ever love you.
Do you see the connection?
Also, how does it feel when you break your word? Besides what he thinks of you, how does it make you feel about yourself?
And do you get that you have the power to change that?
Until you can keep your word on something, it’s definitely not time to be thinking about a relationship. I don’t say that to be harsh. I say it because it’s true.
Sending love. Let him go. It’ll be okay. ❤️
Hi Jen,
Thank you for your reply – i do see the connection.
I feel really crap when i break my word. Now that you mention it.
I do have the power to change that and the truth is i wouldnt want to be with someone who was doing what i am. I love him so much.
Letting go is not easy – but you’re right i need to, if i am ever to be okay, or at any chance…get him back.
Brandon
Hi Jennifer, I sent you a message a while back but thought I’d update, i was truely heart broke after my ex and when I mailed you last all I wanted was him back. But I did as you said I made myself move on…it was so hard !!! But I’d actually just really truly done it, I was laughing and happy and seeing my future as a positive again. And yes just then he wanted to see me, 5 months of hell and just that moment I was OK he was suddenly back !! I almost backed out didn’t meet I was so scared, but I did so tonight we had a really good time we laughed loads and was attraction, I actually felt more attracted than I did first time round and regret my mistakes even more. He has moved 3 hours away so I’m not sure what will happen next. I’m very scared he will hurt me again and miss him already, but I want to be calm and show we can work somehow, what do you advise ? How should I play things ??
You know me so you know I don’t recommend strategy. And more importantly than what I think you should do, what do YOU think you should do?
If you’re afraid, your fear will control the ride. Either get in the drivers seat or you’re not ready yet. And it’s okay not to be ready yet!
Thanks jen, well I spoke to him again to see if he did want to try again and basically he told me he still does not want a relationship but would like to be friends with benefits !!!! I feel hurt all over again and my head tells me I need to get over him and am worth so much more than this. And yet part of me is still stupidly wondering if maybe he does still care and we could turn that into a relationship, have you ever heard of fwb working out ??
FWB never works. My ex offered that to me too and that is when I said, “I don’t do casual sex, so get lost.” It was then that he realized that he lost me for good and things started to turn around. You are not a whore so never, EVER offer to give your body to ANYONE hoping it will turn into more. It NEVER will and you’re smarter than that. This is the time to wake up, Sarah. He doesn’t respect you at all. Time to move on.
Hi! Whenever i’m down about my breakup and feeling hopeless I come to your site and read this post, the second “version” of this post, and your I don’t care if you get your ex back post. It hits me with some kind reality and it makes me feel human again. My boyfriend of six years broke up with me unexpectedly over a text almost two months ago and I haven’t heard from him since a week after the breakup (where I reached out to talk to him about things). It’s hard to understand and to move on in such uncertainty, but reading this helps me get by on my darkest days. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Monique,
I’m so glad you have a place to come when you’re feeling down. There were websites I went to when I was feeling that way too, and I still am thankful to them because sometimes, reading them was the only good part of my day.
One day soon you won’t need to come here anymore, and that will be okay too. And someday instead of asking yourself what you did wrong to deserve a boyfriend of 6 years leaving you in such a cruel way, you’ll smile knowing that you are deserving of much bigger love than he was able to offer you.
It will get better. I promise. ❤️
Thank you for your kind and hopeful words! I am trying my best to look toward the future and appreciate the good, small moments in each day. One day I won’t need those posts to help me through, but I will continue to enjoy reading your blog. ❤
Hey Jen, it’s been awhile since my original post. I hadn’t heard from my ex for about four months. Only heard him ask his friend “If i was over him” because he heard about me speaking to his mom after he deleted me from her Facebook, to which the friend told him i was happy and dating. A month later we bumped into each other and I was shocked so I didn’t pay him any mind. I decided to break the ice the next day and text him asking if we could be friendly when we saw each other and that if he’s happy i’m happy for him. He said he did wave and that he wishes me the best and he asked me how school is going, how’re my grades and told me a little about his work and then told me to keep up doing good in school. It felt nice to chat, but we didn’t keep the conversation going. I spoke to his mother the next day and she said he told her to not read into him waving at me and that he seems to be done talking about it. Two weeks later after much thought, I reached out to him again and told him I missed having him as a part of my life although we have both moved on seperately. I told him I hope we could start new and that reaching out was scary because rejection stinks, but life is short. He never replied. I was sad and a bit disappointed, so i spoke to my close friend whose boyfriend was a mutual friend of his, but now my ex doesn’t talk to him anymore as of lately, and she said they’re both sure he is seeing someone else. My question is.. with everything going on, which is incredibly dark and painful to me, how do I not feel so hurt and rejected? How can I make sense and understand this? I can hardly get out of bed anymore and everything I think of reminds me of our six year relationship. I have a lot of personal regrets tied to the relationship too. I know you’re not a magician or a therapist or a counselor, you are gifted with really wonderful and uplifting advice though. I’m afraid i’m going to be alone and that I’m not worthy. I’m also sad that he will treat another girl well when he didn’t treat me that great. He did a lot for me, but emotionally he wasn’t that great. After four months of being broken up after six years, how can he, move on so quickly? He literally has a whole new life. New car, new friends, new girl possibly. It hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Also, I miss reading your updates on here. I hope you are doing well and life is going smoothly ❤
Being hurt and rejected is PART of the process, so you shouldn’t run from those feelings “The cure to pain is in the pain.” — Rumi. That’s one of my very favorite quotes because it’s SO true; you can’t run from it. You have to let it run its course, the medicine is contained within the poison.
Guys tend to jump into new relationships more quickly than girls do. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of you. It means he was bored with his life (not even necessarily you) and is trying to be someone new…someone else. It will catch up with him. It always does.
It’s going to hurt for a while more. And then you will get so sick of it hurting that you will “snap” and do everything within your power to regain your joy. And then, it’ll happen. You’ll be healed. This is inevitable. Trust me.
Thank you Jen. Thought I had my snap then I found out it was the girl he was just friends with while we were still together. Hard not to feel inadequate, she seems like the right fit for him actually. Congratulations on your pregnancy! and Thank you for being so kind.
Hi Monique- not sure if you still check these posts but I am going through something similar. My ex and I broke up in July and I just found out 2 nights ago (the night before my birthday) that he has had a new girlfriend and was on vacation with her at the end of July. He had the nerve to tell me we were breaking up to work on ourselves and pinned the whole breakup on me, calling me needy and anxious and insecure, all the while- he just had this girl in the wings. I am so hurt. We lived together, so on top of this all I had to deal with moving out. We had talked marriage and the works and now I feel like this person I knew and loved is just a stranger. I am so disappointed in him- I can’t even say I hate him, it’s just pure disappointment. I called him out on it and he said there was no overlap with this other girl but that’s not the point…how do you get into a new relationship 3 weeks after a breakup with the girl you were living with? I will never get it.
Thanks Jen I know I will, I feel so stupid to be hurt and crying all over again, but yes he has no respect or care for me at all. Time to forget him.
He can still come to respect you. His amount of respect for you comes from what YOU tolerate and how YOU allow yourself to be treated. Take your power back. Tell him, “I wouldn’t settle for friends with benefits with anyone and I certainly won’t take it from you. I’m cutting this off. Good luck in the future.” It sounds harsh but it might be the only thing you can do to REALLY make him understand that he’s lost you.
Hey Jen – just a few questions. 1) what made you and your ex break up? i haven’t been in contact for two weeks but we broke up two months ago. I reach out to his mom sometimes. It’s been extremely difficult. We’ve been back and forth in our relationship. He thinks I am at fault for all the fights and insecurities. The first big time we broke up, I saw signs and we got back together. This time I don’t see any signs. He said he’s moving on and I should stop torturing myself and move on also. He was adamant about it. I just feel like I shouldn’t move on yet because I Want him in my life and just wish things worked out. 2) Should I reach out one last time to let him know that I want him in my life? He’s the type of person that practices, out of sight out of mind. We have so many amazing memories and pictures together. 3) Should i send him a flash drive at least with all our pictures before I try to move on completely? 4) after the 30 days no contact, should i reach out to see where his head is at? I feel like a failure – living at home, almost 31, thought this would be it for me. want this to be it for me. 5) what did your ex tell you at the time of breaking up? 6) did he think it was never going to work out in the future? 7) is your husband typically the one who tried to solve issues in the relationship – the reason i ask is because i am wondering if he is more stubborn or more easy going and would turn things around. My ex is very stubborn. 8) lastly, do you think your situation happens occasionally or often? My ex is just not the type of person that will come back to an ex or to chase after one. thanks so much for your thoughts. out of all sites and posts, yours really stood out and touched me somehow.
Hi HH,
1. I’ve answered this one lots and lots of times in other comments so I’m not going to answer that again but instead going to encourage you to read those. 🙂
2. No, you should definitely not reach out one last time.
3. Omigosh, NO PLEASE DONT DO THIS. I know you’re in pain so you can’t tell, but this reads as very desperate and he will probably be repelled MUCH further away from you if you do that. I bought a $200 jacket and left it on my ex’s doorstep with a letter pouring my heart out like 2 weeks after the breakup and he pitied me so much for doing that. Please, please, whatever you do…don’t do this. It’s a terrible idea.
4. Don’t reach out. Ever.
5. I’ve addressed this in other comments. He said he needed to be on his own for a while.
6. He did not think it was going to work out in the future. He encouraged me to move on. He told me he loved me but not enough.
7. He was very very stubborn at the time. I was the person who wanted to solve issues.
8. Your situation happens every single day. But you’re not listening to the advice being given here. You have to let him go. Your relationship is over. If he ever does come back to you, trust me — that will be a totally new and different relationship. Nothing like this one. You can’t get him back by reminding him that things were good.
Re-read the post because you’re not getting it. THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS IS LETTING GO. It seems counterintuitive, but you should NEVER reach out to him, NEVER remind him of how it was, DEFINITELY don’t let him know there’s still a chance. HE MUST THINK HE HAS LOST YOU COMPLETELY TO BEGIN WANTING YOU BACK.
You’re trying to side-step the pain of facing that it’s over. You can’t. THERE IS NO SHORTCUT. IT IS OVER. But just because it’s over doesn’t mean that it won’t ever begin again, but for that to happen, you must abandon this relationship completely. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that it’s over, because it is. No words, no reminders, no flash drive full of pictures will change his mind. He’s made this decision and you must accept it. He’s made it for a reason that you’re not seeing. The relationship that you need to fix is not the one with him, but the one with yourself.
You will survive this. You will feel better. It’s going to take more time. At the 2 month mark I was still REALLY miserable. Nothing is abnormal about your situation. But you’ve gotta let go, babe. He’s not coming back right now and he might not come back for a long time. Facing that, you have to find a way to be happier. To accept that this is your reality and find a way to move forward and heal.
And before you write back and ask me a ton of questions, please read this: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2015/06/02/small-life-slow-life-i-honestly-dont-care-if-you-get-your-ex-back/
Everything is going to be okay. You will survive, you will find joy again, you will be appreciative that this happened. Trust me. ❤
Hi, did my message go through?
Yes, it did. Be patient. I work full time and am married — I can’t always answer right away.
Jennifer – Thank you so much for your response. In the past two weeks, I seriously came to your site every night before I went to bed. That’s how hard it has been for me.
To give you a little more background, me and my ex have been on and off (engaged also). Exactly a year ago was the big breakup, for about three months. Within the three months, every couple weeks I was in contact, sending random emails or thoughts, etc. I think because we were in contact, we got back together and stayed together.
He always told me that staying in contact with him is more difficult than not being in contact and in order for him to move on he can’t communicate with me. In my mind, I believe I am helping him move on…
This time it is different… he swore he will never get back together. Nothing big happened between us, we just argued about stupid things. So angry that he is gave up. He is very smart, has everything going for him, except with us.. he always broke up or was weak. Our love languages are different. He is much more logical, less emotions. I am the other way around. At the end of the day, there really is nothing else I can do… except take it day by day and try to move on. Maybe we had to break it off again this year because last year nothing changed from me being needy!
he does still has my stuff – should I at least reach out for that?
Seems like your post made it clear never to reach out so I am assuming I shouldn’t even reach out for my stuff? (He still has it..)
I feel ridiculous for feeling like this and just wish I was free from this pain. I read the other article a couple times. I’ve been trying to go out and heal myself, it’s just when I am out, it’s tough. Really tough.
Slowly.. I guess I will be stronger.
Thank you again for your blog and advice. It’s very helpful and really makes a difference. You are touching a lot of people’s lives… really, you’ve touched mine. Your posts and your reply has made me stronger tonight. ❤
He’ll reach out to give your stuff back to you when he’s ready. It’s important to let him do the initiating. He WILL initiate. It might take longer than you want but it will happen and you can arrange it then.
Don’t show him you’re thinking about him. The break will start to make him become curious about you (that’s what you want).
I promise it gets better. I remember how hard it is and how much that pain can paralyze. The letting go helps lift the pain. Once you realize you’ve already lost everything you can lose, you can start to rebuild a life that will make YOU happy, regardless of who’s in it.
It’ll be okay. ❤️
I couldn’t hold back and reached out – said something good and calm, received a response with a question, i responded and asked how he was. He said: Good for you. I’m doing well. Everything’s good. I have a box with your stuff ready to ship. Take care.
I responded with great, thanks! and that was the end of that…
1) the box of things was the last connection between me and him – i blew that and as you said, should have waited for him to initiate.
2) he is still in the mindset to move on and not be in contact with me.
3) initially i had the power since i took him off of social media. he took it back from me by me messaging him.
Writing this in case someone else has the urge to reach out to their ex.
Jen – any thoughts? I didn’t listen…
This is why no contact is so important. I don’t really know what to tell you. You definitely should not have reached out. Don’t do it again, for any reason.
You should not have reached out.. I too have had such a strong urge to text her it’s took everything I had not to. I have been thinking how I use to mean everything to her now it’s as if never existed. If feel like she could care less about me, she has someone new it’s like I’m dead to her.. Idk if she will ever talk to me again.. I want her to reach out and at least show I mean something to her.. Will it ever happen?! Does she even think about me? I didn’t ask for anything back. Not my shirts all the gifts I got her, I want her to keep it all to remind her of hopefully something good between us not the bad like she has. That’s if she hasn’t trashed all that stuff.. I miss her but what does she think about me? Will she ever reach out? I pray she does, I hope she and rebound faze out and I get one more chance I only need one because I know I’m different I won’t ruin it.. But with this new guy she made it clear she will not leave him she would be dumb.. And she won’t come back.. Hopefully her feelings toward me change as time goes on… But don’t cave in and text them they have to come to us.
So true – “Once you realize you’ve already lost everything you can lose, you can start to rebuild a life that will make YOU happy, regardless of who’s in it.”
Thank you <3. With much appreciation, HH.
My mom went through the worst breakup last year after 30 years together. It ended horribly — cheating, losing the house, the family taking sides, the whole works. I remember thinking my breakup was nothing compared to what she was going through. She honestly went out of her mind for a little bit there. But I kept reassuring her that the loss would give way to joy. She couldn’t see it. Her partner had been “the one” and she was saying she didn’t want to wake up in the morning anymore, that she had no reason to live.
We just went to Disneyland together the other day. She’s dating someone new, she has her own place, she was promoted at work and she’s over the moon happy. She finally got a chance to build a life that is authentically hers. She can finally be herself.
It’s called a break up because something was broken. If my mom can get through what happened to her, you can too. Sometimes losing everything comes because the foundation you’d built with your ex was placed over a time bomb. It was always going to blow up. And this is your chance to build your own life, on your own terms. And if someone leaves you in the future, sure, it’ll hurt, but you’ll know you can survive. After this, you’ll know you can survive anything and it’ll give you a kind of peace you never thought was possible before. ❤️
Wow, that is inspirational. Thank you for sharing that. I feel bad for feeling like this when I know there is situations that are much more difficult out there. It’s hard to see it now, but we need to hold on to faith that the loss would give way to joy. I don’t like the unknown but I also have to let go what I cannot control.
It blows my mind that I am so passionate about fixing this relationship and he is not. That he is already dating someone else and I can barely look at another guy right now. But I am letting go. I have random reminders on my phone that I setup (I’m not joking) to remind me to let go.
Thank you for your taking the time to write me and for passing on your strength. ❤
This reminds me a lot of what I’m going through my ex has a new guy and I can’t see myself with another girl… Keep strong! How long have you been broken up? How long have you kept no contact with him? Did he say if you would ever try to work it out? Before he got a new girl. Because I’m sure now he is saying never again and isn’t giving you the time of day?
Jen is right let go, better yourself, he will sense it and at some point he will reach out to you. But the ball will be in your court to decide if you even want to respond or how you will respond! Play it cool either way, he will become more and more curious! Stay strong, I’m doing the same!
I saw this post you wrote to someone else: Sometimes people get their exes back just to be heartbroken all over again.
This happened to me last year when I fought for it so hard but nothing changed. It was so great in the beginning but then another horrible heartbreak.
Hi Josh,
No, he said he will never try to work it out again and was pretty clear when he said he doesn’t want to communicate and to move on. We’ve been broken up for 2 months and no contact for three weeks. We’ve been on and off for three years and engaged at one point.
My mind plays games on me – sometimes I think he will eventually reach out and sometimes I don’t think he will. I try remove the thoughts of him with someone else because it really hurts me. I am trying my best to let go, I keep telling myself that I can’t drive myself crazy anymore. Just not sure how to do that yet… so I am taking it day by day.
I am sure your situation is as difficult. Every breakup is. Continue being strong, seems like you are doing well.
I know the feeling it’s been almost 3 months since we broke up. Started as a break and she left everything open and didn’t want to throw it away, wanted me to change, she met a guy I’m guessing a week or so after that and her feelings did a complete 180. She did not want to work things out nothing I was confused as well as our friends. I didn’t find out till a month ago she was “seeing someone else” I made one last big effort about 3 weeks ago to try to sit down and talk, she wouldn’t and we had not talked in person since the break up. Pretty messed up huh? But she said she would be dumb to leave something good right now, and that she has nothing left for me, do I think she doesn’t idk hard to believe you have nothing that fast after 4 years together I think she just enjoys the honeymoon feeling with the rebound. She also told me just because she wanted me to change and work on the relationship a month ago doesn’t mean I feel that way now. It’s like she flipped a switch, heartbreaking to say the least but I don’t know if I’ll hear from her. I won’t reach out anymore she has to reach out to me.. I hope at some point she does. I do believe she is the one like Jen that C was the one. But I have to stay far away from her and not talk to her and let go.. That’s the only way she would ever reach out. Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday (March) will be times where she could reach out, my birthday I hope she would tell me happy birthday, but we will see. I try to think that this needed to happen for me to realize that I needed to change and in the future we would work it out and become even stronger because of it. But the way she she been with her feelings all over the place I don’t know what will happen.. 😔 Stay strong though I always say never say never, time is such a powerful thing, you never know what the future holds. Not even our exes know, even if they are screaming never! They see us negatively right now, it won’t be that way forever the good feeling will come in time and when the rebounds flaws start to show. Hang in there I’m trying to as well
Hey Josh, hey HH.
I’ve been following your stories for awhile (I hope that doesn’t sound creepy!) and I felt compelled to respond.
My ex left me almost 7 months ago. I was crushed for 4-5 months. It was almost impossible to get out of bed. I barely slept, I barely ate, I got drunk, I was a destructive time bomb. I didn’t think I was ever going to be happy again. I couldn’t wrap my head around someone who said they were in love with me and wanted to marry to telling me he didn’t love me anymore.
Worst part was, he slept with me right the day he broke up with me. He was my first. I really thought he was the one. I loved his family immensely as well. And not too long ago, his mother came attacking me calling me immature and a brat. I still don’t understand what I did.
I told my ex in May I’m letting go and we’re going our separate paths. Now he’s in class with me this semester (weird). And it doesn’t affect me at all.
I know it looks like it’s never going to end but I swear upon all the stars out there, joy awaits you. I just got off work and I feel incredibly happy. My life is so much better and I am much stronger person.
And I think about you guys often and I hope you guys find happiness soon within yourselves. Don’t give up on yourselves. You guys are precious and so loved. Please know that suffering is not permanent, it is a blessing in disguise.
Thank you for your kind words! Have you and your ex not talked since you told him your letting him go? How old were you two? How long did you date? I am able to go out with friends go workout focus on school I try to keep away from home.. But she is always in the back of my mind.. I have changed a lot since the break up, just knowing if I had a chance it would be different and so much better.. But I know that it’s not up to me it’s up to her. Maybe one day I’ll hear something from her not talking to someone that was a huge part of your life for 4 years. I could not erase someone like that. But I’m different I guess! I’ve accepted that it’s over, but can’t wrap my head around how she handled it. Maybe it needed to happen for me to wake up and change. Hopefully it brings us together one day even stronger than before but it also might not happen. Hopefully I’m as lucky as Jen was! But I know that I will be okay either way! Just wanted to ask you if your ex did reach out to you and wanted to meet up and work it out, would you give me the time of day?!
Thanks
Josh
Kind of, not really. He did wave at me in class about 2 weeks ago, he has tried making eye contact, and he has been asking about me through our friends. I’ve been dismissive about it mostly. Maybe a few months ago that would have sparked hope in me but honestly… It’s not worth my time. If he truly cares and wants to get back, he will be at my door begging. Otherwise, I can find better for me.
Like Jen and C: we dated for a year and a half. I’m 19 now (I know, I’m really young). I have my whole life ahead of me and so do you, Josh.
My ex still lingers on my mind but not as much. I keep myself busy by working, school, and lots and lots of Netflix. I’m currently addicted to Grey’s Anatomy (so good!). I’ve spent a lot of alone time as of lately and I’ve learned to love myself. It is a long road but I know one day I’ll look back on it and be thankful.
It will take time to wrap your head around it. Be patient and kind to yourself. You are only human.
If he did reach out and want to meet up: I would have to think about it. I don’t have an answer right now because it’s not happening right now. I don’t need to strategize about it. If it happens, it happens. I don’t need to worry about it. Life is taking me exactly where I need to be and all I need to do is just relax. Why stress about things you can’t control? 🙂
You have a good head on your shoulders for being 19 I’m 23! I have watched a lot of Netflix as well! American horror story and a few others. I’m glad you have that I’m not going to worry about it mindset, whether he comes around or not (I believe he will if he is asking about you, he is curious) just like Jen said they would. Mine however has not yet, except for asking some of my friends about my snapchats and her looking at all my stuff before I unfollowed her on everything! You seem to be doing so well. Idk how many moments you have where you get down about it but it doesn’t seem like much! At least your ex didn’t get right into a new relationship because that’s just as awful as a feeling of the break turned break up. But make sure you keep out of contact make sure he reaches out to you first! Do not have any set backs! He’s definitely thinking about your
I had many many moments where I fell apart. There are nights that I remember very well where all I did was lay in bed and just try to breathe. I remember driving home from work and I had to pull over because the pain was so agonizing. I called my best friends and sobbed for hours. I remember asking myself what’s the point in living anymore? And I felt so stupid.
My ex broke up with me right before all the senior events in high school. I missed out on enjoying a beautiful senior prom, I missed out on enjoying senior breakfast, senior early released, I failed all the exams I worked so hard for, I graduated while staring at the sky in despair, and I never got to tell my little cousin how much I loved him (I saw him after my graduation and I was so heart broken, I didn’t care. He passed away a month late and I never got to tell him I loved him one last time: he was 2). I missed out on a lot and I kind of regret it: I can never get those moments back.
He tried to get into a new relationship. It didn’t work out.
Josh, I know you’re hurting and I wish I can hug you and put all your pieces back together but I can’t. This is happening for a reason and someday you’ll look back and thank it. I know I do. I didn’t think I’d make it but I did.
Now, I’m in college. I’m passing (thank God!), I have new friends, a secured job, and most of all–I love and respect myself. And things have been looking good. I fell back in love with life and I fell back in love with me. And I know you will too!
You have been through so much, it took great strength and courage to do it. My heart goes out to you for being able to do that! I’m passing my classes in college right now as well but had to drop one because I couldn’t handle 5 classes and work and going through the break up. My ex is cold hearted right now never thought she would become cold but she did. I thought I had a chance to fix it but right now I don’t.. In the future? Only time will tell. You sound like an awesome girl! Any guy will be lucky to have you, and your ex will regret it not having you in his life if he doesn’t ever come back. I believe he will make an effort to come back but that will be your choice 🙂 you will find someone who will give you everything you deserve and you will return it back to that person!
Aw Josh! That made me tear up, thank you! That truly means a lot. You’re a great guy too Josh and someday, you’re going to find someone who can love as deeply as you and you’re going to question why you were ever hurt in the first place. I truly believe that.
My ex became cold too. Don’t let it get to you. It’s not worth beating yourself over. Be kind and compassionate. Accept her for how she’s acting and forgive yourself. Don’t let her make you bitter or sad. Forgiveness is free while hurt demands payment.
There are 7 billion people on this planet and life is just too short to be sad. The sun will rise again, there will be new discoveries, and you will love again. You’re a good person and you deserve good things. Your mistakes don’t define you, only you can define you.
You’re welcome! And thank you! I will keep that in mind! If I ever hear anything from my ex I will be sure to let you know! Stay strong, if you need advice about anything or if he reaches out I’m here to help!
And I’m here for you as well! If you ever need to vent or anything: I’m here! You don’t have to go through this alone. ❤️
Hi Jen,
I looked through some of the comments but i did not see the answer to my question so i thought i would ask you! Did C see/have another women recently after the break up? If so how did you handle that? It is hard to deal with a break up but when you are in a relationship for over 3 years and my ex broke up with me, and had another guy within a month i could not believe it.. It hurt 1000 times more knowing she left us but that she left us for another guy.. We have not talked much over the 2 month breakup.I did try to sit down and try to talk about things with her but she would not meet up and talk. It hurts all of it was thru text. I felt that at the beginning she wanted me to change, because she couldnt do it anymore and that she did not want to toss our relationship away, but she needed to see actual changes in me. Well guessing as soon as she met the guy, she changed her thoughts and feelings about me/us. She said we wont get back to now or in the future, i missed my chance, and i will not get another. I understood but i could not help but think she was saying this because there was a new guy. and she would not just tell me “oh well i think we can work on things in the future” If the new guy heard about that he would be gone.. But maybe she does feel that way… I hope in time she does see me in a more beautiful light and not in such a negative light. I have not spoke to her in about a month, i just hope one day i hear from her, but its hard to imagine that she would because there is a new guy in her life. So i wanted to ask if C had a new women shortly after the break up? And if he did how did you handle the thoughts of knowing there was another women? I try to block it out but you know its in the back of your mind, when you think about the break up.. Hope you can give me advice on that if you have experienced it or seen it! I reading more of your blogs and i love it! Keep up the amazing work it really does help alot of people out there!
Thanks
Steve
He went on two dates but was never with anyone else. I was the one who eventually went with someone else and I know it hurt him deeply. What I will say to reassure you is that the relationship with the new guy is almost 100% doomed to fail. She didn’t mourn your breakup and it will 100% interfere with the new relationship guaranteed. You will have a chance to talk and have closure, I promise.
Thank you for the quick reply! according to her she was checked out of the relationship a month or so before the break up… However she kept coming around, hanging out whenever we could hugging, cuddling, kissing, be loving. I take someone “checking out” as becoming more distant and cold because of the issues in the relationship, not acting as if you are so okay. She has definitely been cold now, she says she is so moved on, over this situation, Do i think she is fully over me and has no care at all, no i think she does, she wont admit it but you dont let go of a 3+ year relationship that quickly. I do not think feeling in a longterm relationship will fade 100% anyways, even if you never get back together. That love and care will always be there somewhere deep inside of you. At least i believe that! But she “says” she has a guy that takes care of her, will do anything for her or anything to see her. I thought it was weird being this guy is almost a stranger and you barely know him.. However i cannot change what she is doing i can only focus on myself! I really hope you are right that i will hear from her, i do hope to have her back one day but with a new guy the feeling it will happen is impossible to me.. Only time will tell i guess.
Thanks Jen
Jen, thank you again for this post. I’ve been reading lots on how to get my ex-gf back (similar story to most, we’re in our early 30’s, she was having family issues and walked out pretty abruptly a few weeks ago, with me begging her to stay), but this post really resonated with me more than the rest. I had a small hopeful epiphany after reading this yesterday.
The hope wasn’t that I need to do something in order for her to return, but that I need to do something, with the focus on me. All the other “guides” kept me focused on her, which is exactly what I can’t be pining after at this stage.
I’m sure you’ve dealt with a lot of breakups through this blog, so I had a couple questions:
Do you notice any overall differences in a girl leaving a guy vs. a guy leaving a girl?
Most of the stories on your comments are of love lost, never to return. Any success rates/stories you can relate through your blog?
Thanks again Jen!
The only true difference in getting a girl back vs a guy is that with a girl, you want to initiate physical intimacy as soon as possible; with a guy, you want to delay it as long as possible. Everything else is the same. Let go, don’t initiate contact, if they reach out, tell them you’ve forgiven them and wish them the best. Turn your entire focus inward and shift the focus off of them when your mind inevitably goes there. Exercise, journal, make new memories with friends, read books, go to therapy if that’s available to you.
There are almost 500 comments on this post and hundreds of others on some of my other posts — there are definitely people who get their exes back, but that is not the aim of why I wrote this. I am not an advocate of getting your ex back, I’m an advocate of getting yourself back, which is the whole reason your ex left in the first place. So I don’t concern myself, at all, with success rates of people getting their exes back (see my recent post called “I Honestly Don’t Care if You Get Your Ex Back”). It couldn’t matter less to me.
Sometimes people get their exes back at the cost of being who they really are. Or they get them back just to be heartbroken all over again. That’s not success. That’s failure. The goal is to get yourself so complete, whole and happy on your own that it doesn’t MATTER if the ex comes back (though if you do manage to heal yourself, they usually do). Once you survive something like this, you can survive anything. And life is very often about loss and letting go. If you can let go of her, you can let go of anything. And letting go is a truly beautiful thing that we all need to be able to do a little better. 🙂
Hope this helps and I wish you a full and total recovery. 🙂
Thanks for the reply Jen.
Couple follow-up points (sorry for tacking on more questions, but you’re very helpful!)
1) What do you mean by a guy initiating physical intimacy as soon as possible? I don’t want to initiate contact with her. The ex wanted to stay physically intimate with me, but I turned her down, saying I couldn’t be friends/physical with her if she couldn’t emotionally commit to me.
2) Also, one of the biggest issues I’m having is that she left a ton of breadcrumbs for me to think about. I’m having a lot of flashbacks to her telling me she just needed some time apart/to herself, that she honestly believed we would be back together in the future, but that we needed to heal—and she was telling me this after the breakup. Any suggestions on how to deal with that would be appreciated, it’s that hope that still rings in my head.
We haven’t spoken for nearly a month, and just in this last week have things started to get easier for me. I’m looking forward to my speedy recovery too Jen!
I wanted to reach out to you man. My ex said the same things as yours and that I needed to change. Few weeks after she was seeing someone else and she changed all the things she said initially.. Told me after a month into the break turned break up that just because she felt that way in the beginning doesn’t mean she feels that way now.. She said never again, but she is with a new rebound. The future is unknown for us, I’m positive we will cross paths again but I’m not waiting on something that may never happen. I’ll address it when that time comes. Stay no contact! Let her come to you and play it cool.. And don’t cling onto false hope, she may come back and she may not, but let her come to you and don’t become her safety net. No sex if she won’t be commital you will get hurt. I’ve been no contact for about a month as well its been over two months since the break turned breakup. I won’t reach out she can come to me if she wants to talk. Nothing more we can do. Stay strong man. You’re not alone
1. You asked the difference between getting a guy back vs. a girl. That’s the difference. Girls bond with physical intimacy. It’s an emotional and chemical phenomenon. If you don’t want to contact her, don’t worry about the difference. If you two should get back into contact and you want her back, you should be physically intimate with her as soon as possible. The rest of my advice remains the same: no contact, let go, heal yourself to the degree that you become so happy that the loss of her is actually something you’re thankful for.
2. You’re giving up your power when you say “she left a ton of breadcrumbs for me to think about.” Breadcrumbs imply she wanted you to stay on her trail, or she wanted you to keep thinking about her. She didn’t. Begin to watch your words. Try changing your statement to, “I’m still having flashbacks and experiencing confusion because she said contradictory things to me.” You already have more power by saying that. She wasn’t leaving you breadcrumbs — she was experiencing conflicting feelings and she was as honest with you as she could be at the time. Her feelings may have changed now, or maybe she was just saying that to let you down easy. Who knows. The thing to recognize when you’re having the flashbacks is that IF SHE ISN’T WITH YOU NOW, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT SHE SAID. Pay attention only, only, only to her actions. We say a ton of words during a breakup. We mean some of them. Her actions, or lack thereof, are the clearest indicator of how she’s really feeling right now. If she wanted you to stay hooked on her, guess what? She’d still be contacting you.
When you catch yourself having flashbacks, turn your focus back inward and onto you. Because you know what? You’re the only one in the room. She’s not here with you, so it doesn’t matter what she said. What does matter is that you begin to heal yourself.
Thanks Josh, I’m doing well. There were issues in the relationship, and these past few weeks have let me see that.
What’s funny is that I’ve gotten back together with ex-girlfriends in a fair amount of my relationships, although mostly with me breaking it off. (Almost always it’s been me going back, but after anywhere from 1-2 months to 2 years). It’s just that this one seems so fresh, and I’ve worked so much on myself and my career since those previous ones, that I’m kind of embarrassed I let myself go this time. Something I’ll need to work on.
I’m settling in with the idea that we may never get back together, and that I will find somebody better fit for me. I do have an inkling of hope that we might use this breakup to improve ourselves and be a better match in the future, but that’s something I’m trying to push into a corner and let go of too.
Hang in there Josh. I read your stories above and I do feel for you, I was the same way several years back with a long-term ex. I held onto her for over a year, and did everything in the book I shouldn’t do (e-mailed her pleading her back and accusations, holding onto her emotionally), and she never did come back. Her rebound boyfriend, initiated just weeks after the breakup, ended up dumping her several months later, but I was too immature and had burned the bridges too hard for her to come back to. She’s married now and I’m really happy things didn’t work out between the two of us. Be emotionally independent, work on yourself, and remove your insecurities. It’s the only way to prevent yourself from stepping back into this loop.
When her rebound left her did she reach out to you? I saw you said they lasted only months but you held on for a year I was curious. I did plead with her but I just wanted a sit down with her which she didn’t give me and still hasn’t. I do hope I hear something in the future, she wanted me to change I have and still am, even if she said now she doesn’t feel that way now. I do have hope our paths cross again I just don’t want to contact her first anymore. It’s tough when you talked to someone everyday for four years now it’s as if I never existed to her. I know I made my mistakes hopefully one day she will see me in a different light.. I seem to always wonder here and there if she thinks about me at all. Hopefully she does but i have to stop thinking about that even though it’s hard to control where your mind goes. I do hope your ex comes around and you guys do become stronger from it. It happens everyday and it can happen for you and I as well. Just keep your cool! Things will fall into place.
Josh, she didn’t reach out to me, but we had been chatting maybe once every month or so, over e-mail, sometimes in person. Looking back, I wasn’t over her and wasn’t emotionally or mentally stable, and she could see that from my accusatory e-mails.
That tough man, keep going strong. For me the past few days have been rough, I just want to reach out so bad I miss talking to her. But I stop myself, I just wonder of her and the new guy, is it a rebound, will I ever hear from her again, does she think about me at all?… I feel forgotten and erased but I’m trying to keep strong man
Been almost a month since I last posted on here, and thought I should give it a happy update.
My friends pushed me to go out and date people, just to get my mind off of the ex and build my value back up. Turns out I met an amazing girl just a week after posting this initial thread. We’re taking things slowly but there’s definitely mutual interest on both sides.
My relationship with my ex devolved because of some pretty fundamental incompatibilities. I still think about her from time to time, but I realize now that we had massive communication issues—she’d ghost me for days at a time, flake on schedules, and be less enthusiastic about the relationship than me. This new girl is almost a complete 180—much more outgoing and proactive in reaching out and discussing sensitive topics, and we’re clicking in many areas that me and my ex never did.
Like I said, I’m taking things slowly and we are just dating at the moment, but I’m at least seeing that there are many matches out there for all single people out there. All the energy I spent working on myself in my 20’s, on career, education, and health, is starting to pay off!
I’m not sure if my ex will ever reach out, but I’m starting to truly believe that a potential new relationship, with a new clean slate, is a much better alternative than going back to the old one with arguments, neediness, and abandonment.
Hello, my gf and I broke up very recently. She found herself attracted to someone else and instead of telling me she lied about a lot of stuff (although did not cheat), she will probably be dating the person she likes but let me know she still loves me as a person and wants to remain friends with me. I wanted this too, but I decided to block her on fb for now so I don’t obsess over her. I do love her, but I know it’s best to move on and not to wait for that person. I think I’m going to volunteer at a dog shelter cause that is one of my passions, and i hope it helps me get my mind off things. I really appreciate this thread cause it helps me know I can deal with this even though I felt the world was over. It’ll be rough, but I gotta focus on me and to not wait around for her. It’ll just leave me unhappy.
You have a good perspective on things. I know how hard it still is. I think volunteering is a beautiful idea.
Jen, I read some of your previous comments again and these two comments stuck out at me:
If you find yourself saying “When it’s great, it’s really great but when we’re bad, it’s really bad” or, “Gosh it’s so hard,” that’s usually a sign that you’re not with the right person.
and
Trust that he is inevitably yours.
I trust he’s mine but when it was great it was great and when we were bad it was bad.
thoughts?
I know I can get past this sadness eventually – but I don’t want to lose hope that I lose him in my life. We are the same age, you can relate. I’ve been in the dating scene, I don’t want anyone else. Just wish it would have worked out – I know saying that this doesn’t help my case.
I think, in almost all cases, it’s easier to break up with someone, heal yourself substantially, and from that new, healthier place, attract a new person into your life who is also emotionally healthier. Very often when we get back with exes, we go back to that rollercoaster ride (great when it’s great and terrible when it’s bad) and we go 300 steps backwards.
Now, maybe during the time you’re apart, your ex will be working on himself too. Maybe you’ll both be emotionally healthier in the future.
I know the feeling of not wanting anyone else. That’s actually more hormones and chemicals than anything. If you randomly met an interesting stranger who clicked with you and gave you a soft kiss at the end of the night, this deep wanting of your ex would fade, maybe just 1%. And as you bonded with the new person, thinking of your ex would become less and less painful. That’s the way it goes, and that’s the way it happened with me too.
A trick I learned when praying for my ex to come back that a friend taught me was to say,
“Him, or something better.”
In other words, whenever I got so stuck on being alone and just wanting him so badly, I would correct my “Only HE can fill this hole in my heart,” with, “Dear Universe, I know in time you will bring me him…or something better.”
Allow the possibility in your heart that your next love, whether with your ex or someone MUCH better suited for you, will be your greatest love of all.
Take care.
Thank you.
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for creating this blog. Your advice and perspective on life has been the only comfort that I found online. I am currently experiencing a painful breakup (3 months in and 3 months no contact). My ex and I were together for over a year (We were friends for a year prior). We both left unhappy relationships for each other. I have never experienced such love, chemistry, compatabilty, or friendship with anyone else that I have been with. I am in my mid 30’s so I have other relationships to compare it to. My ex left a 15 year relationship and has struggled with the guilt at times, as it was his only relationship. Twice he ended things with me because he felt guilty and wanted to fix his partner’s pain. At this point though, she is happy and moved on. She believes that they probably should’ve ended things years ago, but were complacent.
When we were together, he stated he’s never been happier, wanted to marry me, and that I was the true love of his life. Three months ago, he once again left me because of his guilt/unresolved feelings/whatever he had for his ex. I initiated no contact from the day we broke up, and told him I supported him and his decision. We ended on very good terms (I have to respect his decision and feelings).
I have been having such a hard time with the break up because I truly feel in my heart we are meant to be. When I came across your blog yesterday it struck something in me. I have to stop obessing over him, whether he will come back, what he is doing, and focus on myself. I love him enough to let him focus on his journey, heal, and mourn his relationship. If we are meant to be we, will find our way back to each other. It just hurts more than anything losing my best friend, but I know we couldn’t continue in the roller coaster of emotions that we were dealing with. Nothing worth having in life comes easy, and both side of a relationship have to be on the same page. I truly hope my ex figures out what he needs to, but it is empowering the minute you decide to let go and heal yourself. Even though he is a wonderful person, I deserve 100% of someone and to get back what I was putting in.
Yes, that is what you deserve. It’s a beautiful moment when you can finally let go, for real. I call it “the snap.” Welcome to the beginning of feeling much, much better. 🙂 I wish you a full and happy recovery. ❤️
Jen,
After days and days of google searching things to try to find answers as to where I went wrong and how I could possibly get my ex-boyfriend back, I found your blog. I have to say, out of everything i have found, I have found the most comfort in reading your entire blog.
My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me in August, two weeks before school started where I was so incredibly excited to go to the same University as him. He’s a year younger than me (I am now a Sophomore, and he is a Freshman) so my first semester of college i went away to a big University a couple of hours away from home. He was obviously back home still in high school and we definitely had our fair share of trust issues. He broke up with me once or twice but we got back together within a week or two. that first semester was very hard on me, because I had a difficult time finding my place at such a big university and all i wanted to do was go home and see him every weekend. So, I ended up transferring to my local community college at semester to be close to him and then figure out where to go from there.
Long story short we ended up choosing the same college from there. He ended up getting a spot on the baseball team, and all of my credits were going to transfer in well form my previous school. PLUS, we were finally going to get to enjoy college, together.. and living in the same dorm. Things just seemed like they were going to click. Like I said though, he broke up with me two weeks before school even started. During that two week period I was absolutely crushed. I begged for him back and everything at first and then finally realized I had to give him space. We didn’t speak for two weeks until move in day. Since then he has strung me along on and off, telling me that he doesn’t know what the future holds but he doesn’t want a relationship right now. We were still hooking up but he wouldn’t call me anything more than a friend… Obviously that didn’t turn out good. I fought anxiety and depression the whole time until one night we had a talk and he just told me that he thought it was best that we just cut off all contact for a while until we can be friends without me getting attached….
The same night that he had decided he wanted to cut off contact was the same night i found out from one of his friends that he had drunkenly hooked up with a random girl two weeks prior. (he is NOT the type of guy to do that, ever.) ((And this hookup was at a time that he continued to hookup with me after he had hooked up with this random girl, and I had even asked him to tell me if i needed to know about anything because it would be easier for me to detach myself from him if he had been with someone else since our breakup and he repeatedly denied.)) I immediately called him out on it and all he wanted to do was explain everything and tell me how it didn’t mean anything and it wouldn’t happen again.. and also asked for forgiveness. I basically told him that i never wanted anything to do with him ever again.
Exactly a week later he saw me post an innocent snapchat story with a guy, and texted me immediately telling me that if i needed a ride, he could come get me at any time. I didn’t respond. The next morning he texted me wondering what the situation was between that guy and I was and I told him that I was doing exactly what he told me he wanted me to do, moving on. He continued to apologize for being an idiot and hooking up with someone else and was making a significant effort, so I thought. Things were definitely starting to look up. For about a month, we became best friends all over again, and ended up being committed to each other.. but without a title. He still refused to have a title.
We had a perfect halloween weekend out with friends and he was, for the first time in a while, publicly affectionate towards me. Then, six days ago I was out with some friends and I saw a couple of his friends. His friends told me that he had been seeing another girl and again I immediately called him out on it. He got very defensive, and didn’t really deny it or admit to it. He just said that he was tired of the accusations and wanted to end things. We ended things again with him saying that he had gained back feelings within this past month but they had faded. When I asked how he said “they just did” and I asked if he was interested in anyone else and he said “No, but I want to be. I want a clean slate when i decide to commit again. No baggage. Our relationship is just too far gone, and theres no way we’ll ever be able to forget about EVERYTHING that has happened.” he then proceeded to tell me how he wanted to find someone like me, and find what we had, even though he knew it would be difficult. That is what hurt me the most. He was giving up on me again after i had given him another chance.
Now, I am the only one hurting because I am the one being rejected again and he is back in control.
Since then i have stopped contacting him, blocked him on social media, and have done my best to stop thinking about him.
I know I’m young and this may seem like a petty relationship to some people, but we are each other’s first love and had an amazing relationship. Everything really did seem perfect. I was in an abusive relationship before him, and coming out of that he seemed like the one. I feel like I did everything to make it work, switching schools and everything.
Im his first serious relationship. Do you think he just needs time to figure things out? Or do you think he is really ready to be over me and just move on? Do I have any chance of getting him back? Im really just looking for an outside opinion, anything would help at this point. 😦
Hey Ashtyn,
I think more than if you CAN get him back, you really need to decide after his behavior the last few months, if you actually WANT him back.
The road ahead of you is the same either way. You have to get through this, alone. You have to face up to your heartbreak, alone. You have to fix yourself. And then, when you’re all shiny and fixed up, then, and only then, will he want you. This is the way getting an ex back works. They don’t come in and save the day when you’re broken. It’s the opposite.
At that point, you’ll have a choice. Choose someone new who wants something closer to what you want, someone you can trust and depend on? Or go back to the ex who has already fumbled your heart multiple times?
The road you have to take is the same. Where it ends is up to you. It’s not about if you can get him back or not. It’s about how you want to feel at the end of this process.
Really think about it. Good luck.
Thank you Jen.
It’s really hard to think that at some point in my healing u may never want him, because besides his actions lately he really is everything I’ve ever wanted. We want all of the same things out of life.
I really am committing myself to working on my own life and future, with or without him. With him at the same school and just right down the hall from me it’s hard to think that he could move on and it’s going to be in my face all the time.
To help myself get through this I’ve gotten a therapist and it’s honestly what I look forward to every week.
Also, it hasn’t been a week and he has gotten in contact with me concerned about the health of my father. I ignored at first and then just gave him short and to the point answers and haven’t continued the conversation.
I really can’t wait to get over this hump and for something “to give”. Whether it be I hit what you call “the snap” or something else changes.
Thank you for all of you advice. I read it over and over when I’m down.
Ashlee
But by the time in your healing that you’ll want someone else, it won’t hurt at all. 🙂
A breakup is like a papercut that drives you totally crazy at first. And then, one day, the pain slips away without you even noticing it’s gone, like magic. It seems impossible but it’s true. In a few months you will write to me about how much better you’re feeling. I promise.
Jen,
As I continued reading comments I realized that you ask people to not give you their stories… AFTER i had just sent you the whole backstory of my relationship. So sorry! hopefully you still take the time to reply!
Hey jen
My ex nd i were in a 5yrs relationship…
We broke up 4months ago..i tried evrythng that they tell out there but in a wrong way i guess..i did nc for one month ..reached out to him then we texted little..then we had phone conversations…the contact was not regular..
After one month i went to meet him..nd then it happened…all my emotions came back to me..i was still desperate but i thought i was ready to meet him and moved on..but it was the oposite…
The next day i caled him nd talked about the relationship again…
Nd he said the same thing that he loved me but was not in love with me so he just wants to be friends
…it hurted me alot so i told him i cant be friends with him and that i will not call him anymore..he said i can call him anytime was worried about me not talking to him but i just said goodbye and also deleted him from fb and wished him luck for his futurw..he also wished me luck
I dont really know if i did right or wrong..but it was jst hurting me that he was not feeling the way he used to feel anymore..
I dont really think he cud ever luv me..he is a stubborn guy
So i jst want to get my own life back..i gave evrythng to our relationship putting aside my dreams and desires..
I just want to know how you handled to be so strong?
Oh I wasn’t strong. I was so weak. I cried in the bathroom everyday at work for 6 weeks and was sad for four months straight. I lost 25 pounds and smoked cigarettes. I was so negative that no one wanted to be around me.
I wasn’t strong. I was weak. Being weak is part of it.
“The cure to pain is in the pain.” –Rumi
Hang tight. You can do this and it WILL get better.
hey jen, my ex and i were together for 2 years and a half. we have broken up for a year and some months now. during that break up we was on and off unofficial but he tried to move on and ends up back. this time we was working on things and after a few months past he up and left by telling me move on and he will find someone else a week later he did.. would he come back?
Hi Shivanie, I don’t strategize on getting exes back; I talk to people about how to heal from heartbreak. Best of luck to you.
Hi, my boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. 2 of those years were great but the last year was not as good. He decided that he had wanted some space so I gave him space. I’m very happy that he is making a better relationship with God and he really looks like he’s growing and maturing. (I was always the more mature one.) Of course it hurts me, but he still contacts me and we hang out but just as friends. We only broke up a little over a month ago after he decided he wanted to be single, nor just take a break. The reason for the break up is mostly outside influences. His friends, family, all mad that we spent too much time together. Neither of us had a problem with being together for long amounts of time until we began to fight because he felt he couldn’t be honest with me because I got angry at the truth sometimes. He still tells me he loves me and tries to kiss me and tells me I look good. I’m trying no contact now, starting today. (I was going to start yesterday but he called and I accidentally answered) I have not sent him any messages at all and the break up is still painful to me but what makes it easier is knowing that he is the one giving up a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. (Although I don’t think he’s giving me up forever) We have had so many experiences with one another and I don’t want to share that with anyone. We are each others first love and first serious relationship. I want to work past this and I have a feeling we can, but I’m not sure if I should implement no contact or remain there as a friend.
No contact. Always no contact. To want you back, he must feel that he has lost you completely. Good luck!
Hello, my boyfriend left me because he lost feelings but apparently still care. He says it wasn’t my fault. we wanted to be friends but I’ve been begging and trying to figure what’s wrong for nearly a month. Made him repeat to explain which there isn’t any reasons. I went emotional and couldn’t accept it. I think he’s annoyed and not replying. Now I wonder if he still wants to be friend.. I am doing no contact now, is 2 months too long for no contact? Did I mess up? we were in LDR but text and talk everyday. Would the lost feelings come back?
Two months is not too long for no contact. Avoid contacting him until he says something first. And he will say something first. Work on healing yourself and letting go.
As a side note, I don’t recommend long distance relationships. They’re romantic but if there isn’t an end in sight to the distance they often are doomed to the very pain you’re experiencing.
Thanks Jen for your reply.
We were friends for 3 years, in the same city for a year and a half. Then one of us left but remained friends. Still see each other every few months. We got together 10 months later, and then we see each other every 6 weeks. In the first half a year everything was perfect. One time I went visit him and became grumpy for no reason. we didn’t talk for a whole day, then I left for 2 months. The month after I left we talked but not as loving as normal, then we had a talk and everything was good again. Spent nearly 2 months together later, and then I left again.
After I left everything was normal we talked we texted, planned holidays. I wasn’t in a good mood one day then I started to complaint about him out of no reason. And the the next day we broke up. He said it wasn’t about me, he doubted his feelings since the last talk we had, he didn’t miss me when I left and didn’t look forward to see me. He didn’t feel right so he did what he thought was the right thing to do. After break up he felt relieved and said he didn’t regret. I think I put too much pressure on him that’s why he’s relieved..
Does not missing mean doesn’t love anymore? Because the month before we broke up we texted, shared things, planning visiting each other everything seems fine. So I couldn’t understand what happened. Even planned to go somewhere together after 3 years moving in together. Does it mean he really doesn’t regret it or it’s just because he feels relived at the moment?
I really don’t know. I do know that long distance relationships rarely work. And if there were problems as far back as the day he was grumpy, it was a sign that things were already wrong. I’m sure he did love you, no one likes experiencing a breakup. But him being relieved means he thinks it was the right decision. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, it just means he doesn’t care ENOUGH to dig his heels in and make it work with you. And really, that’s all you need to know. If he’s not willing to fight for you, he’s not worth fighting for.
You’ll be okay. Try to let him go.
Jen,
i sent him goodbye but i didnt say that i will contact him if i decide to..i jst said i cant be friends wid u and that i will miss him and wish him for his future..
Will he ever contact me again with this msg?
It will take time for me to stop thinking about him but jst for this moment i want your opinion on what u thnk??
I don’t know, Sri. I don’t like to guess about people I don’t know at all. I don’t know what the future will hold. Human beings in general need closure so if you have unfinished business he will likely contact you.
Jen,
Since my last comment I’ve had a major set back. My ex and I were in contact over the weekend over some money that I owe him and he was very demanding and rude about it. When I finally got the chance to get it to him he just disregarded it and didn’t reply.
I also had asked him to admit to me that he was seeing someone else and that’s why it was so easy for him to let go. He said at the time that he ended things (a week ago) he wasn’t talking to anyone else but says that he is now interested in someone else but it’s nothing more than that. It took him a week to find interest in someone else.. I’m completely heart broken. The past three months he has been hot and cold but his actions always told me that he was still in love with me. The way he touched me and kissed me and loved on me. Everything seemed normal when it was good. Yesterday when he told me he was interested in someone else I asked what he had strung me along on and off for three months and he said “I was trying to find it back, but it just wasn’t there. I had lost a lot of feelings since our breakup but I never gave up until now.” But to me, he did give up. He said over and over that he didn’t want to be I a relationship with me. But we were committed to each other this past month, without a title and it really did feel like he still had feelings for me. I just don’t understand. His actions weren’t forced so in confused on how he just doesn’t feel anything anymore.
I asked him how it was so easy to find interest in someone else, after only a week and he just said “I’ve been over us for the last three months, but I tried.”
I hate this, so much. I haven’t gotten out of bed all weekend. Do you think he really didn’t feel anything for me the past three months? Do you think this is really that easy for him? If I give him space and never reach out to him anymore do you think he’ll ever be in contact with me again?
We were together for almost two years and it sucks so much for him to say that the past three months he tried, but just wasn’t feeling it anymore. Because his actions said otherwise.
He also always seemed like he had plans of us staying in touch. When we would go out to eat he’d say things like next time we come here in getting this. And next time you come over, blah blah blah. So it seems so impulsive that he just cuts me out and looks for interest in someone else so soon.
I really need some insight and advice. 😦
Also, we’ve been so in and off and said so many hurtful things that I feel like there’s NO hope of him ever contacting me again. He seems completely heartless and the opposite of who I thought he was.
I really don’t know what to do anymore.
This week he also texted me about the health of my dad and I ignored him until he just kept texting me and finally I gave him a really short and to the point reply. Because of that, I feel that he really does still care. And if he was over me, why would he be so pushy to get a reply?
Have you ever seen people reconcile after so many things were said and everything just seemed way too far gone?
No, I don’t think he was out of love with you for the last 3 months. No one is that good of an actor. But that almost doesn’t matter because that’s what he wants you to believe — which is almost as bad. Why do you think he’d say that? He wants you to believe it. He wants you to believe he’s interested in someone else.
Yes, I’ve seen people reconcile after the worst things have been said. But that doesn’t even matter at this point in your journey because you’re resisting letting go. Not only do you need to let go, but he WANTS you to. All of his words are for the purpose of shaking you off. C said similar things to me in a phone call. I know how devastated you must feel.
Forget about getting him back right now. Honestly I think about deleting this blog sometimes because people read this post for the wrong reasons and hold on to hope, which delays everything.
1. You have to let go. There’s no way around it. “Let go, or be dragged.”
2. You have to heal yourself and get stronger. Otherwise the next person will do this to you too.
3. This is happening for a reason. The reason is that your life wants to to evolve.
4. Even getting him back right now wouldn’t make you feel better. That’s a fantasy.
5. To want you back, he must think he has lost you completely. You can’t fake that. It has to be real.
6. When you become strong and happy enough that it won’t matter if he comes back, that is the moment he’ll come back. One doesn’t happen without the other. I’ve seen it too many times now.
You said, “I really don’t know what to do anymore.” There’s nothing to do but to remove your ex from your life (social media, send his stuff back, all of it) and start to work on healing your pain. There’s nothing that can take the pain away from you now. Even him returning. So you might as well face it. “The cure to pain is in the pain.”
I’m sorry this is happening, but it sounds like it’ll be for the better in the long run. This is something you need, and something he needs. It’ll be okay. You won’t believe me, but one day you’ll be thankful this happened. I promise.
Jen,
You’re right, I am resisting letting go.
I have read your comment over and over and over again hoping that it will become easier for me to let go.
I want so bad to let go, because in all honesty I don’t want a relationship with the person that he has been recently and I don’t want to deal with the games that he’s been playing with me for the past three months. Do I want the person that i fell in love with back? ABSOLUTELY. But I’m not sure that I could trust that he wouldn’t walk out again or turn into this monster again. So yes, this is what i need and also what he needs. We need this time to get over each other and the relationship we once had. IF he does come back, we have work to do. But if he doesn’t I hope that I can be at peace with that.
I want so bad for this to be over and I long for the day that I feel in my heart that I can be happy without him. I can’t wait to find myself again, and fall back in love with myself. It seems impossible at the moment because I feel like an absolute wreck and theres no fixing it. I hate that I have become so dependent on someone that has treated me so awfully and handled our breakup with such a lack of respect. I hate who i am right now and i can’t wait to be the happy, independent woman that I was when he found me. I know that he sees me as “tarnished goods” because of the wreck i have been throughout our whole breakup and thats probably what has pushed him so far away from me.
I hope one day he sees that I’m stronger and not the product of the mess he created.
…and i can’t wait for him to see that I’m capable of being strong and not this mess that he’s created.
I just ran around my house collecting anything and everything that linked me to him, put it all together and packed it away in the basement.
I want to thank you for creating this blog. I have read it all over and over and over again and envy your happiness now. I hope that I too can gain the same acceptance for myself and gain strength from all of this.
Id be lying if i said that I wasn’t excited for the day that he feels sorry for the way he has treated me and tries to re-enter my life. Will I still want him back then, I have no idea.. i hope by then I’m happy again and have found my strength back.
Thank you for everything,
Ashtyn.
Sorry..
I know I have told you this before, I think. But Halloween weekend, just two weeks ago, we reached our peak since we had broken up. At that point I really thought we were going to work things out. He was proving to me that he was committed to me and assuring me that I was the only girl in his life. Now this.. I really am at a loss for words.
Do you think this is all a game? The way he’s acted just a couple weeks ago to now telling me that he had fallen out of love with me three months ago and now he’s interested in someone else.
I know he’s going to contact me this week about getting the money that I owe him from me. How should I handle that? Yesterday he was out right rude to me because I couldn’t get it to him the moment he needed it. And then I finally told him I was home and he could come get it he just didn’t reply.. I don’t know how to handle seeing him. I never know what to expect from him. I sincerely just want him to be sorry for his actions and know what he’s lost.
Mail him the money. Eliminate the possibility of seeing him.
You’re putting too much trust in me. Part of you getting stronger, Ashlee, is you learning to trust YOU and what your gut feeling is saying.
Do I think it’s all a game? It doesn’t matter. What do I know? I haven’t met either of you. What do YOU think and what does YOUR gut tell you to do?
The answer is there; you’re just not listening.
Hi Ashtyn 🙂
As someone who had my heartbroken and came out the other side, I sometimes come back to this blog just to read the comments and remember what it felt like to be heartbroken. I know that sounds silly, but as I read the blog I am taken right back to who I was when I first found it and I can’t help but be grateful for who I have transformed into since then.
I wanted to tell you this for two reasons:
1. The pain will stop. I didn’t think it would, but now, a few months later, I need to come back to this blog to remember what it felt like and that says A LOT.
2. Life gets SO MUCH BETTER. My ex did come back and while I thought he was ‘the one’ and was completely gutted when he left, I didn’t want him back. He didn’t fit into my new life and my new life was too beautiful to adapt it to fit him.
Resisting is part of the process, and while I resisted it too, from the other side I can sympathize with Jen when she says it is frustrating to watch people holding onto hope because it’s the hope that keeps people from healing and getting to the place where the pain stops and new life begins.
With that said though, I think the reason Jen’s blog is so popular is because it does offer hope and in the midst of a breakup, people need to sit awhile in denial. It’s through denial that people search “how to get your ex back” and land on Jen’s blog.
And I’m glad they do, because thankfully, Jen’s blog is different. Her story attracts people who are grasping for hope, but tells them what they unknowingly need to hear: you HAVE to love yourself first.
Ashtyn, please take Jen’s advice to heart. Wake up each day and ask yourself how you can make it the best day of your life. Be grateful for the people in your life, they are meant to be there and are meant to be loved by you. Remind yourself again and again that ‘rejection is protection’ and look forward to what is meant to walk into your life next. Nurture your physical body with good foods and warm baths and nurture your inner world with positive thoughts and acceptance.
When your mind sways towards your ex, remember that if your ex was meant to be in your life, they would be. It’s harsh, but it’s true. Then, take a few deep breaths, recalibrate and put the focus back on you.
You are so loved and there is SO much beauty ahead of you. I get tears in my eyes writing that because it is true.
The pain will stop and life will get so much better. Let yourself work through this denial and remember Jen’s words, she knows what she is talking about.
xo
@Sara
I am also one of those who comes here to read this post again and again and reading all these Comments to remember how beautiful it is to be in selflove and enjoying the moments beyond the stressful daily life!
god bless you and your words …
this blog and all the friends here were such a bless to me
love you all
have a nice day
have seen all of the comments…read all of the posts and they are pretty great. Not only did I lose my fiancé, but in the same week (2 weeks ago) I found out my father was dying, my dear friend killed himself (killed himself over my girlfriend leaving him), I got into a car wreck and just about lost everything. I went from having it all to barely having a job. The following week, my mother said I could stay with her for a few days (this is rare). Yesterday a pipe burst froze the entire home and I am now homeless lol. Sooo…yes I reached out to my ex. It was an emergency and he used to be a plumber. As the water was gushing out into my poor mothers home, it was the only person that I knew was a true expert and would answer their phone.I didn’t play victim and it was truly just to get advice on what to do. Anyways, all of my small problems aside I still dearly love this man. We were together for 2 years and he is the most stubborn person I know. I want him back, but I will not sacrifice my self respect and thanks to this post once I get the final items from his house next week, I am vowing to you guys not to contact him again. I broke down last night one last time and texted him begging for one last chance and that is the last. He said he misses me very much, will always love me but needs to sort things out. He then said he would love to be friends and play it by ear. I know in my heart from past relationships that I cannot be friends. It never works and I will constantly be trying to prove that I am good enough. Today I am going to look at an apartment, I still have my amazing job, I have people that care about me, God, church and lots of life to live. I am now making a promise to all of you that on November 18th, will be my last conversation or contact with him. He has to be at a place where he sees my value and that I am not waiting around. My question is whether I should state I will no longer be in contact with him and that I am letting go and moving on, or should I just start the nc without saying anything? I am changing my number after that and deleting him from my life forever in my mind. Hoping that he will come back will only drag my hurt through the mud and I deserve more.I pray for each of you going through this…our exes make us feel so small, or we allow ourselves to think that because of the situations. None of us are perfect & we all need to not only work on ourselves and be the best that we can be, but we also need people that will accept us at our worst. God Bless you guys and You JEN for helping us all through this very difficult time in our lives:)
Wow, you’re going through a real upheaval in your life! I really feel for you. Sometimes it all happens at once like that. I don’t know why.
I don’t think you need to tell him you’re not contacting him. You know why? Because it implies you’re hoping that he’ll try to stop you. That you removing yourself will make him change his mind. But the thing is that he already left you. You’ve already been removed. You already begged. If he was going to change his mind, he would’ve done it already. I think it’ll be more powerful if a few months down the line, he goes to call you and your number is changed. He will get at that moment that he’s really lost you, it will create curiosity about why you’ve done that, and it will help things along. But if you SAY you’re doing all of these things beforehand, it just looks like a cheap ploy and a tactic. Don’t do that.
Yeah, I don’t think our exes make us feel small. I think we felt small to begin with and we were using the relationship to make us feel better. Whenever we’re on a shaky foundation like that, life has a way of crumbling it and encouraging us to build anew. So now it’s your time to build. It’s painful but it will be beautiful. You will love your new apartment. I was homeless because I lived with my ex so when we broke up, I lost him and my home. The apartment I got after our breakup still holds such a special place in my heart because I totally healed inside of it. I miss that apartment. 🙂 Your new apartment will become very special to you!
You’re strong. You’ll get through this!
Update….Best friend called to say she just got engaged today. A mutual friend got married tonight spontaneously and they decided to invite him not me. I am trying my best to get out…I have started going to every event I am invited to, but I am surrounded by couples making plans and planning trips and baby’s. I am literally losing it and this pain sucks. Going out to events is almost more painful than just sitting on the couch with movies and shutting down my brain. The stress of having to support my family members financially while I can barely keep myself going is almost getting to be too much. I know I am complaining, I am just in a really dark place. When the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with says you are of no value to them…well it has broken me. The last time I spoke with him, he offered to help me buy a ticket to leave. He would rather I not even be in the same state as him. We did fight from time to time, but I was never mean, never yelled, never demanded things, supported myself, worked hard and also loved and worked on us. Everything is just getting to be so much. I know I have it sooo good and am so very blessed. I know that I am good hard working beautiful person, but my soul is crushed. I wish more than anything I could leave, but I cannot leave my job, which is the only thing I have left at the moment. Asking people to share their couches from one night to the next has knocked down any pride i have left and the apartment I though I had fell through. Doing everything i can to get into a place. I just want the pain to end…I no longer sleep. Cannot afford a therapist. I’m losing myself.
I’ve been there. All of it. Couch surfing, lost, broken, bitter…I’ve been there. You’ll get yourself back. As pointless as it feels, this is a very necessary part of the process. It’s okay if you’re negative right now. ❤️ It really will be okay. I swear.
Well, after scrolling through our pictures and before deleting them I realized one thing….I will never again date a man that looks happier in a picture holding a fish then with me….never made sense and it finally hit me hard. Funny, but true, the next man I date and the man I will marry will not be standing next to me like I am a stranger, but will have his arms wrapped around me an a big smile on his face. When this happens, I will send you the picture Jen:) Thank you for being here for all of us!
I can’t wait to get that picture! I know it will happen. ❤ Happy Thanksgiving, my dear!
Update – He is dating someone new. Already traveled with her. He has this thing with traveling. When he travels he either know he wants to be with the person or not. He knows. I sent him a note and he replied that he is dating someone and i will always have a special part of his heart and that he will pray for me to find the love of my life. He is said it with such calmness, I know he is a different person. Different than when he was cold. I preferred the coldness because that showed that it was hard for him also.
I attempted to write him a long email about not losing each other. No response.
It kills me that he can be with someone else. It hurts that he is so happy with her. He already introduced her to his mom. His mom is no longer communicating with me like we used to. She said that I will always be in her heart. It’s like I am dead to all of them.
It’s over – my soul is broken. I am so anxious inside and so sad and so mad. I feel like I lost the one person I want to be with. I don’t understand how one person can be so in love and the other already moved on. It doesn’t make sense to me. I am in so much pain.
I am trying everything. The no contact only pushed him away, out of sight out of mind. The law of attraction is not working because I can’t stop crying. I see negative signs every single time I pray. I try to pray with such optimism and the signs are awful. I used to get positive signs during our breakup. This time they are all negative. I took the advice to think that I lost everything there is nothing else to lose. But it just makes it worse.
I don’t think that letting go will bring the ex back in all situations. Every situation is different.
I am worse now than I was before. It’s so painful. I am thinking of every single way to keep him in my life instead of losing him. That tiny bit of hope left or whatever it is. That tiny bit of memories he still has or still maybe remembers.. I want to just remind him and think of anything to get him back in my arms.
I never said letting go would bring them back. I said that you need to let go either way. And if he doesn’t come back after you’ve let go, then it wasn’t right to begin with.
I’ve been there. I know how hard this is. The anger, the hopelessness, the pain, the despair. This is rock bottom. And though you don’t believe me now, this rock bottom will set you free and you truly will only go up. It will feel slow. You won’t trust me. You won’t trust love. And then one day, 3-6 months from now…maybe even sooner, there it’ll be.
But I know this part. I know it well. I do.
I’m here, HH. ❤️ He may not be, but I am.
Thank you..
I keep asking myself, do I let go and regret it later if he marries someone else or keep trying every possible thing. Out of sight out of mind. When you truly want something, you don’t give up. Or is this pushing him away. My mind is playing games.
I think even after you let go, you still feel the emptiness of that person not in your life.
You desperately doing everything to get him will push him away. The imbalance of power is currently too great to manufacture an attraction.
Can you elaborate more on this: the imbalance of power is currently too great to manufacture an attraction.
Well, think about it. When he was first attracted to you, you were probably very happy, self sufficient and confident. Now, the more that you plead for him, your happiness level has dropped to zero. And this is going to sound harsh, but when you beg for someone (whether it’s a man begging for a woman or a woman begging for a man), you become kind of pathetic in their eyes. A strong woman would keep her dignity and wish her ex the best. The more you try to interfere with his new relationship, the more he’s going to pity you and think that you’re crazy.
I’ve said this before, but you’re resisting the letting go part. You need to read this actual blog post again. Whether he will ever talk to you again or not, this relationship it’s over. Even for people who get their exes back, the relationship is OVER and must be let go. To cling and plead only increases your misery, as he will reject you over and over.
The only chance you have, in any situation, is to turn your focus off of him and onto you. Perhaps, one day, when it doesn’t work out with this girl, he may revisit you to find a strong, beautiful, healed woman. That’s what happened with me. Then the attraction can be relit.
But even if he doesn’t, you’ll win, because you’ll BE that strong, beautiful, healed woman. Whereas even if he dropped this new girl and came back to you right now, you’d stay broken. Could you trust him if he came back right now? Could you forgive him? You THINK you could, but you couldn’t. No way.
It’s over, babe. Refusing to face it is only going to cause more pain. Trying to convince him is only going to further decrease your value in his eyes. Have some dignity. He’s gone.
The person who is drowning that you need to save is not your relationship, but just you. You need to pull yourself out of the water now.
Everything you’re saying is true, I wish it just sank in. Here we go again, day by day. Feels like I am starting the healing all over again.
Silly question – When you started praying for “C or someone better” – did you do this on your birthday after you let go? Or did you try to start before?
Up until now, I couldn’t say someone better, I froze.
I started to let go on my bday. I sat in the rain and thought, “The One wouldn’t treat me like this. Thus, he can’t be The One. So I need to let go.” That’s when I stopped saying his name and when I felt lonely, I asked the Universe for love that would be as good, or better.
would you say you can let go of your ex and concentrate on LOA and positive affirmations about the ex at the same time? I read an article that you can do both by letting go, not focusing on the negative and then taking time to meditate and then moving on again with your life. what are your thoughts?
Based on your answer, you let go without positive affirmations around the ex but more in general.
I did that for a while, I probably read the same article haha. But I found I couldn’t focus on him without missing him. I read the book “Calling in the One” and doing those exercises without a specific person in mind not only attracted my ex back but attracted a new guy. I had a wonderful, albeit short, relationship with the new guy and it ended up healing me so much. So I can’t say what will work for you. For me, letting go of him completely and just focusing on the love I wanted to feel is what was most effective.
Thanks for the recommendation. I read some of the reviews – seems like it will help with the moving on process, loving yourself more, confidence, being open to dating, etc. The author did however get a divorce 😦 so most of the one/two star reviews were focusing on that. But for the most part it had great ratings.
Yep, she did get a divorce. But for your specific process right now, the written exercises will definitely help you.
Remember (like the LOA link I posted in the actual blog post), attracting an ex back is not the same as keeping a relationship. Most of the errors don’t happen in the attraction process; they occur during the actual relationship. You need to work on increasing your self esteem more than you need to work on having positive affirmations about your ex.
My main focus now is to work myself back to being strong and confident. Gosh it’s hard…
I will try to do the affirmations only once a day and see how that goes. I don’t want to lose focus on both of these things. I feel like if I don’t do the affirmations, the universe will not respond on it. But then again, maybe my thoughts are misconstrued and blurry.
I prayed for a sign last night… if there’s light that I will be with him again. Today I went to the mall and saw him holding hands, with shopping bags with his new girlfriend. I was shaking, my heart dropped. He saw me, and looked away, pretended not to see me. My sign. Not the sign I wanted. I am beyond devastated. My heart hurts. I don’t understand how life works.
It was definitely a sign…a sign that it’s time to let go, like I’ve been saying all along. ❤ Almost ALL rebound relationships fail, so while he might've looked happy yesterday, it's doomed not to last. I'm not saying that to give you up, because you DO need to give up for now, like I've been telling you for a long time! It doesn't mean it's hopeless forever (how many people in the world have tried to move on and have only ended up back together six months or a year down the road? A TON), it just means that it's hopeless RIGHT NOW. Take your focus off of him and onto yourself. Keep praying for a sign and life is going to keep hurting you because you're not listening.
😥
I just don’t understand how to move on and at the same time, keep my faith.
The only thing that you need to keep your faith in is that there is a reason this isn’t working out right now – and that reason will become apparent in time. Please trust me on this.
😢 thanks
I am in a state of shock. How can he replace me and be with someone else? I can’t possibly be the love of his life, if he wants to replace me.
Jen – I am in disbelief. He has a heart? He called me now, I didn’t pick up. Another heart drop. He didn’t leave a message. Another sign? As much as I know him, he will not call me again. Just an update…
Of course he has a heart. He loved you once. I’m sure he felt bad that you saw him. Not a sign. Just being a decent human being.
and I shouldn’t return his call..?
I don’t do strategy. It’s over and he’s moved on, so you can do what you want. But I wouldn’t.
In midst of my crying while re-reading your response. this is what I am thinking…
You are very special. And to take the time to read and to reply to everyones comments is amazing. And you’ve been doing it for years… This amazes me. Takes a very kind person, with a big heart.
It’s only because I’ve been through it, and remember the physicality of that ache in the chest, that I answer everyone. That’s all. That unbearable feeling. I promised myself if I was ever healed that I would 1. Tell people how I did it and 2. Answer everyone who asked me how. I never wanted anyone else to feel as alone and left for dead as I did.
It will be okay. ❤️
“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and gosh darn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.”
–Elizabeth Taylor
❤
Jen,
I’ve commented on here a lot recently but all of a sudden during this week I’ve slowly felt myself getting better.
Like I said, my ex is “interested in someone else” and I have unfollowed him from every social media two weeks ago. He was still following me on Instagram up until this week when I saw that he had unfollowed me. This week he had also texted me Monday-Wednesday about random things. From getting his clothes back to “needing help with a friend”. I gave him short replies and quickly ended the conversation.
I have felt guilty for being very cold to him and not giving him much of a response..but he has hurt me with his hot and cold attitude and it’s hard not to be upset. Should I be giving him more of a response when he texts me about random things so that I don’t come off as a bitch, or should I continue with my cold, short responses?
Then again I have heard that he’s acting completely different on Twitter and keeps changing his profile picture and has done a lot of things for attention.. and being a hypocrite saying its a shame that dating has turned into a friends with benefits kinda of thing…. But that’s exactly what he did to me for three months.
I don’t feel like he actually has someone else. He may be interested in someone else and trying really hard to move on and forget about me and that’s bothering me.
I’ve been ALOT happier this week and snap out of my sad moods a lot easier. I’m starting to feel like myself again.
My question is: I have sort of forgot what it feels like to be “his”.. If that makes sense… Even though the last time I felt like his was just this Halloween weekend. I feel as if I don’t even know him anymore and that sort of scares me. Like I’ve lost feelings for him because of what he has acted like lately. I’ve alllllways seen myself being in love with him for the rest of my life and it scares me that he doesn’t feel like the guy that I fell in love with to me anymore. Is that normal or did you ever feel like that with C?
That’s very normal and I did feel like that with C. And when C and I got back together it felt even weirder, because it had been so long, things were different, and I had totally forgotten what it had felt like to be his. The truth is that it’ll never feel the same, whether you eventually try to reconcile with your ex in the future or not. The relationship you had is dead, and if you explore getting back together in the future, it will be a brand new, totally different relationship. And that will feel odd at times.
Your ex is immature and he’s trying to get YOUR attention. Do you see how, even though you’re not following him, people are telling you what he’s doing on social media? That’s not an accident; he’s hoping it’ll get back to you and/or the other girl. Men who are attention-seekers always are a red flag for me. A good man can be good without anyone else needing to see it…he can validate himself. This guy has a lot of growing to do ahead of him. What concerns me about your ex is the repeated bad behavior. I would continue to stay away as you get stronger. You will be able to fall deeply in love with someone who is more kind and stable, trust me! If you can get through this yucky part, you have a bright future ahead.
What I’m hearing in your comment that I’m glad about is that you had a good week and you’re beginning to feel like yourself here and there again. Those weeks are the best. Don’t be discouraged if you have a couple of setbacks; all growth is in a jagged line (you go up, you go a little back down, you go further up, a little back down, further up). You might have a day or two where you feel sad but the important thing is that you can get through those days now because you’ve been through worse.
Thank you Jen. Your quick replies seriously mean so so much to me.
I’m proud of my progress and I think the fact that he’s changed so much and treated me so horribly during our breakup is what’s made it 2% easier. It’s been a huge shock because he was NEVER an attention seeker, never cared about what anyone thought about him, and never was the type to randomly hook up with girls. He literally was AMAZING the first year we were together. BUT He’s a freshman in college now though… And on the baseball team with multiple other single guys.
I guess the part that I struggle the most within myself is wanting him to go through the same hurt I am and wanting him to be sorry for what he’s done to me the past few months.
It seems cruel, and I KNOW that’s probably the opposite of letting go.. But it doesn’t seem fair that I’m the one hurting and he’s gotten to move on so easily. Did you ever feel like that at all?
Yes, very normal, I felt like that too. But eventually once some time had passed, I was grateful that he had loved me and I just wanted him to be happy. That’s the forgiveness part and it can take a long time to come, but it will come. One day, you will realize that the cruel things he did were because he is damaged inside, and all you will wish him is healing. It seems far-fetched but it will happen.
I really do want him happy again, but I want him to stop acting in this heinous way. Even if he does find someone else I want him to attract her being himself. It hurts me a lot to know that he’s working really really hard for some other girls attention. And he’s working so hard for her that he’s not even acting like himself. He seems so so desperate.
At this point I just want to be that girl. I want him to work that hard for my attention and to want me back.
In our relationship he was always the one with a lot of friends and going out a lot. I had sort of went through a party phase in high school, beefier I met him, and really settled down when I met him. Since our breakup and for that month (October) that he wanted to “work on things” but didn’t want a relationship with me, he always referred to me as “miss popular” in a sarcastic tone. I joined a sorority, got really busy and started going out with my friends a lot. He got jealous and noticed a lot of guys Flirting with me, even his baseball friends. Could that be a reason why he kept backing away?
I can’t help but ask myself if this is something I did. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out so much.. Maybe I should have continued to be the introverted girl that I turned into. And MAYBE then we would have worked out.
Do you think him trying to get another girls attention and him changing so much is a phase or just part of him coping with our breakup? He seems so fine with how everything ended.
Also, judging by his twitter it doesn’t seem like he’s making much progress with this new girl. I’m not even sure who she is but his tweets seem like she has turned him down and he’s discouraged about something.
I’ve been really uneasy all day and keep looking at his social media.
this has definitely been a set back, and i feel like he has all the power, because he is happier than I am at the moment.
How is it possible that he has gotten to completely bypass the pain of our breakup and direct all of his attention onto getting someone else attention?
He didn’t bypass the pain; he’s just distracting himself. It’ll get to him eventually. As to your other comment, I don’t know if it’s a phase. I don’t like to speculate on what exes are thinking. He’s not my concern. Try to get out of his head and into your own.
Thank you. still working on myself, and finding my happiness. 🙂
Hey jen,
I jst wanted to ask u a small questn
I deleted my ex from fb and unfollwed him frm evrywhere..deleted his no..but shud i block him from fb?? I just deleted him??
No, I don’t think it’s necessary to block him. Deleting is enough.
Hi Jen,
I hope this message gets to you. Your story is so inspiring. I’m going through something similar. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years… I’m almost 24 and he just turned 27.
He broke up with me 2 weeks ago saying that he loves me but the ‘spark’ is gone, that “something is missing” between us that used to be there. We fell into a snag in our relationship the last few months where I was being a bit distant, low libido, etc. He said that during this period “something got lost along the way” and that he’s just not ‘clicking’ that way with me anymore. He says he loves me and cares about me deeply, but his love for me is like the love for a family member, or someone you want to hold and protect. But that ‘other dimension’ is missing for him that was once there.
He’s essentially trying to express that he’s “out of love” with me. This shattered my world. The first week I was paralyzed in bed and couldn’t eat. Tomorrow is the 2-week mark and I still cry all the time. We saw each other last night for a sort of final good bye, his eyes were swollen from crying (and he’s a tough guy!) he told me he read tonnes of articles over the weekend about why he’s feeling the way he feels, this loss of attraction, loss of spark, etc. He told me he loves me deeply and is attached to me but he needs to move on. I asked him if he might come back to me…and he said he didn’t know but that right now this is what he needs to do and to “leave it to fate.” I could tell he was hurting too and that it killed him to let me go.
I am trying to resist the urge to text him, but the mornings are SO hard. The breakup hits me anew all over again every time I wake up and I despair and text him. I want him back so badly… unlike my others I know who have dated jerks, he was the absolute best person I know, so honest, giving, loyal, etc. We had a beautiful, loving, tender, funny relationship. We seriously did, we just fell into a lull where the intimacy was gone and as time went on, the light went out in his heart.
I miss him so much, Jen. I want him back, us back, I really do. I can’t let go of the hope that maybe he’ll have some kind of epiphany and come back.
Any feedback is so appreciated.
With love xx
Eva
I forgot to add: I’ve been texting him with things like “I miss you and hope with time you’ll rediscover your feelings for me…you mean everything to me and i hope you don’t give up” and other texts along those lines. Which I know are not helping.
Definitely doesn’t help. My recommendation is to read through the 500+ comments on this blog, plus my other posts. I don’t strategize on how to get exes back; I talk about how to heal yourself after a breakup. But a good rule of thumb is that for him to want you back, he must feel he has completely lost you. While you’re still hanging on and texting that you miss him, that won’t happen.
You also lost libido (your attraction) to him during your relationship. The good news is that attraction can be rekindled. What you need to know is that attraction has to be maintained. You can’t become too much like good friends in your relationships. You are lovers first.
I think everything will be okay if you learn to pull back and just face that at this point, it’s over. He sounds conflicted as well. Pull back and leave him alone. Let him miss you.
Good luck!
Hi Jen,
I am very grateful that i stumbled upon your blog. The guy that I was dating in chicago just told me that he doesnt wanna be with me anymore because i was harassing him.
I am heartbroken and have lost so much weight and have been drinking all day. He blocked me on all social media and phone.
I don’t know what to do.
Hi Isabel,
The hardest part is that there’s nothing to do except just face the grief and sadness one day at a time. I know that’s not what you want to hear (I didn’t either), but that’s the truth. There’s no side-stepping the pain; the only way out of it is through it.
You do need to take better care of yourself, though. Stop drinking, that’ll only make you more irrational and depressed. ❤ You don't deserve that.
Jen, thanks for your feedback, I feel like I’m talking to a celebrity hehe! ❤
Sorry, for some reason I can't reply back to your post directly, the icon isn't there.
You mentioned that he seems conflicted, but I really don't think so to be honest, I just think he's mourning this as well. He seems very confident that this break up is what he wants and has told me to move forward because that's the direction in which he's going. It hurts him bc he loves me but he simply no longer "loves me in THAT" way anymore. I don't know how to be angry with him, because he didn't do anything wrong. What hurts is that right now, I see him as some kind of effing demi-god.
How do I face the fact that it's truly over? How do I let him go? My thoughts constantly oscillate between "Don't worry Eva, he'll come back, he'll rediscover his feelings for you with time and space…" and then I feel this wave of relief for a while until my thoughts revert to back "Fuck. It's over. It's really over and I will never be in his arms again." and the despair sets back in thickly.
I just keep hoping that somewhere along the way he'll rediscovers his feelings for me…I just don't see it happening, I've read online and they say "once they're out of love, that's it. " and the weight of the grief is like an anvil on my chest.
Thoughts? ❤
There’s no shortcut to letting go. You have to face the pain of the breakup every day and slowly let your mind release your grip on him. The grief feeling like an anvil is normal. I went through it too. It took months. Lots of crying and journal writing. I’d say more, but I’ve written posts specifically on this: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2012/11/09/small-life-slow-life-when-the-unthinkable-happens-also-known-as-how-to-cope-when-your-world-just-exploded/
It’ll take time. It’ll feel like forever but it won’t be as long as you think. You’ll be okay.
Jen,
It’s me.. Yet again. I find comfort in commenting on this and look forward to your replies because I feel like you know just what to say to help me get my shit together.
I’ve hit a rough patch lately. I thought I was getting better better but I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot. I’m on thanksgiving break and home from college so that could be why. I’m not crying anymore though, I feel as if I’m all cried out now.
I keep finding myself missing every part of spending time with him. I’m still looking at his social media and it is hurting me with how desperate he seems.
ALSO, He keeps deleting more and more pictures of us off of his Instagram… Although it seems as if he’s kept all of my favorites with the most important captions. That still reallllly really hurts me.
I know I should be letting go, and I really really am trying. But I still have hope, that he has hope.. if that makes sense. I’m terrified of NEVER hearing from him again.
He’s come back every time but I’m terrified that he really just doesn’t care this time.
I’ve been trying to get out more and have been. I’ve been to petland playing with puppies, listening to music, writing in a journal, crocheting, and watching Netflix. I still have a long week ahead of me.. I miss him so much with it being the holidays and I can’t help but hope that he feels the same.
I know you hate to speculate on ex’s but why would he keep deleting pictures of us off of his Instagram but keep some of them?
Any advice to get me over this hump would help me at this point. ❤
Hi Ashlee,
I adore you, but I’m not going to help you speculate because it doesn’t help you. I don’t know why he’s doing it. You know him much better than I could ever hope to.
It’s thanksgiving week with my family, so I won’t be on here much. Just spend time with your family who loves you and try to let him go.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Best,
Jen
Hey jen
I dnt knw y bt from past few days m feeling anger for my ex !!! I just dont know how to forgive him !! Plz tell me a way how to do that
Anger is a normal part of the process. You should let yourself feel it rather than trying to bypass it. Forgiveness is the only way out of anger.
Some ways to help let go: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2015/08/08/small-life-slow-life-five-cool-rituals-to-help-you-let-go/
Thankful for you Jen. Happy Thanksgiving.
You’re so kind and I am also thankful for you! ❤️ Happy happy Thanksgiving!
Jen!
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.
Im updating you to let you know that I am feeling amazing this week. Thats not to say that I haven’t had my “moments” of missing my ex but they are becoming fewer and fewer and much easier to talk myself out of. My sleeping isn’t normal yet, and I’m trying to not take NyQuil or something along those lines to help me fall asleep anymore. Im goofing around a lot more and notice myself “enjoying the little things” more often. Like the time i spend with my family now, and how good it feels to not have anyone else but myself to worry about.
Although..yesterday was hard as it was the first holiday without him.. I know I should have expected that but it hit me hard for a good ten minutes while I was getting ready. I remembered what is was like to have him around for Thanksgiving the past two years.
I didn’t expect a text from him because he really isn’t that type but I still found myself telling my dad that I was definitely kind of hurt that he hadn’t texted me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. Again, I really didn’t expect on from my ex though.
Last night I received a text from him saying Happy Thanksgiving and that he hopes everything is well with my family. To be nice, i wished him the same.
A few minutes later he put on social media “man I wish I could hold a grudge sometimes”… I haven’t really ever done anything to him besides say mean things out of frustration during our breakup, and it feels like he has done much much worse to me. I haven’t dwelled on that though because I’m sure the blaming myself part is all in my head and theres nothing i can do about it right now if he really is blaming me..
After getting that text I honestly felt even better than I have all week. He says that he has moved on.. and whether he has or he hasn’t I sort of felt a sense of closure. Or relief that he even still cares. TODAY would have been two years for us and I haven’t felt the need to cry once (yet). lol
My question to you that I have been wondering all week is: Why is it that while we (the dump) are out moving on with our life and it REALLY seems like we are getting over our ex is it so possible for them to miss us? I feel like the longer i don’t talk to him the less I miss him and the more detached I feel. I know that you probably felt like that with C, but why did it because harder for C (the dumper) while it got easier for you (the dump)? Are mens brains just wired differently?
❤
I think it has less to do with the difference between men and women and much more to do with the balance of power. When you’re dumped and begging, your ex has all the power…which inherently makes you not attractive (we’re generally attracted to people who share at least our confidence level if not greater confidence). As you begin to heal, the power starts to balance out, and your ex maybe even starts to lose power. This is when they realize that you’re valuable and that they may have made a mistake.
This is why I tell people to forget about their ex for a while and to just focus on getting happy! It shifts the power and being happy and healed is your best chance at getting them back anyway.
Me and my boyfriend split back in the beginning of the month and we agreed to still be really good friends. We were still friends, talking, facetiming every single day. It was like nothing had changed. Except last Sunday I told him that I was getting tested for clinical depression. (I have had depression twice before i even met him) We had a talk about it and he asked if I really felt depressed or not and I said I don’t know, I know I don’t feel as content as I used to in the beginning of the year.We met in August. Now he barely texts me. I texted him the day after saying that I appriciate him in my life and he never responded. I texted him two days after and no response. I texted him the day after that and he resonded, “Hey! 🙂 Whats uP?” I felt off because he was ignoring me the past three days and now he sends a smiley face. Hmm. Then the next day he texts me “happy thanksgiving 🙂 sorry i didnt text back last night.” and then i said happy thanksgiving back and he never responded. Then i didnt text him all day, but I saw him when he was working on black friday and he started up a casual conversation with me and then went back to work. We didnt talk all day but that night me my sister my sister’s boyfriend (who is my ex’s best friend and they were the ones who set us up) asked if me and my ex wanted to go see a movie with them since we were still on good terms and it was kinda late when i asked so i understood why but he said “i probably cant tonight
but we need to do something like that really soon!” hes giving me mixed signals because he goes days without communicating back towards me and then says that. But does he mean it? I also wonder if the whole depression thing scared him. My depression was NOT caused by him, it was from family problems. What should I do? When we broke up he said that it wasn’t organic, that we were told when to hang out and whenever which i get but then he goes on to say maybe in a couple months if we still like eachother we can be together again. What should i do? My friends have all said different things like either give him up or confront him but I also think that I’m overthinking this a lot. And my boyfriend told me personally that hes trying to stay off his phone and socialize with a lot of people because our break up hit him hard and made him sad so idk! HELP! Thank you 🙂
You could try just asking him. I don’t think he’s giving mixed signals…i think he’s very clearly backing away from you.
Jen,
Do you think the dumper learns as much from a breakup as the dumpee? I
know that this whole process has been a huge learning and re-tooling experience for me… I suspect it probably hasn’t been for my ex, because I suspect he hasn’t let himself think farther than justifying why he was right. I am wondering if this whole experience of things falling apart is really only cathartic and formative for the person who was dumped?
I think, while every breakup is similar, what each person takes from it is different. It’s totally up to them if they learn from it or not.
Hi Jennifer,
After reading all the comments on your blog and your other posts, I went No Contact with my ex. We were together 4 years and he left because the “spark” wasn’t there anymore. I broke NC this morning and was very disappointed. I texted him asking him how he was doing and he responded “I’m Okay, just moving forward with my life and I suggest you do the same.” And I said “So you don’t have any hope?” and he said “No. I just want you to move on and be happy.”
Sure enough, my heart exploded all over again and I sobbed in the washroom at work. The absence of him haunts me every day. It has been 3 weeks today since the break up. I thought for sure by now he would be having second thoughts, but he is more firm and certain about it now than ever. I really and truly believe with all my heart that I will never find someone as great as him. He was so intelligent, gorgeous, amazing muscular build, kind, compassionate, generous, SO affectionate. He was (and still is) my dream man. I try to live day by day, and some days are better than others, but I know I’ll never get over him. It just WON’T happen, Jennifer. It’s all my fault because I was distant in the months that lead up to our break up, I withdrew sexually and emotionally a little bit, and somewhere along the way he said he “lost” those feelings for me. It hurts me, because I wanted to work on getting the spark back, but it’s I don’t mean enough to him for him to not want to let me go.
Eva.
It will happen. The future you that you need to be to get over this loss is not yet born. The pain will haunt and then heal you. Everyone who has commented has been through this. I have been through it. I swore I’d never love again. But I did. And you will too. It’s only been 3 weeks. Just focus on getting through each day for now.
Do you have to hit rock bottom to learn to let go? My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I don’t know how to let go. We had a turbulent year in terms of travelling around for our perspective jobs, and felt disconnected from each other. Then our last 6 weeks together as a couple was fraught with tension and arguments. I thought this was a rough patch & he had said that we can’t let this year beat us or break us, but now we have been beaten and broken.
I am so bored of me being miserable and I must be boring my friends too. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I want to get a decent night’s sleep, I want to laugh without then welling up immediately, I want to be able to taste food, I want to be present and not add another mode of transport I’ve cried on. Most of all I want him to hold me and tell me that we got through it, the toughest year for us but we got through it.
The only contact I’ve had from him is an e-mail to tell me he’d closed the joint account. I did not respond. Now we’re just strangers who live in different cities. How do you ‘let go’?
You don’t have to hit rock bottom, though I would say you’re probably close to it anyway. Hitting rock bottom can make it easier. There’s nowhere to go but up.
Letting go takes time. I wrote about it here: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2015/08/08/small-life-slow-life-five-cool-rituals-to-help-you-let-go/
Thank you Jen. Your sense of self actualisation is so solid, I want to get to ‘happy’ soon like you have. Everything reminds me of him & I wonder if he feels as much pain as I do or he simply feels relieved.
I’ve been reading through your other posts too and realise how much negative energy I’ve put out there, even before the break up. I’m home (overseas) for a month to see family, I’ll go for a long walk tomorrow to find a rock & I’ve booked myself to do yoga in the evening. One day at a time. You’re like an angel guiding the way.
You’ll get happy. ❤ It takes time. The way out of the pain is THROUGH the pain, unfortunately. But once you get through this, almost nothing will scare you because you will KNOW in your core that you can survive anything! I know this is currently the worst thing that has ever happened to you. In time, it will also be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I promise.
Hey jen 🙂
jst here to give some updates 🙂
After your advice i started to move on woth my life..
I have started to see things differently which i was missing in my life :p
I realise how much love i have inside me.. 🙂 i have so much love to give to this universe :)i started to love my family and friends more.. i love the nature i love evry single small things 🙂
Its like i ma tranforming into someone better
I am so thankfull for sharing your ideas and motivational story
Now i am just not waitning for one particular person
M just waiting for a person who could love me more which i deserve 🙂
I am so thanfull to you for being here and helping us all
I was so miserable before..i tried so many things and it was getting worse with all the games planning plotting !!.. love is not supposed to be like that..
Thankyou so much for enlightning us ..
Lots of love
🙂 🙂
Sri!!! You just made my whole morning! I love getting comments like this.
I remember when things started to change — when I started to sense the love inside me too. When I knew that I would have a great love in the future because I deserved it.
Cherish these moments. You are a beautiful person and there is so much happiness coming your way. From here on out it’s much easier and you can relax and enjoy your beautiful life.
Thank you for sharing this. ❤️ You made me so happy!
Hey jen 🙂
I m so confused with the concept of law of attraction
I mean i seriously dont know how to use it
I read several articles but it is making me more cobfused..plz if u can jst help me undrrstand how to use it
Nd how you used it..so that u were able to attract people back into your life with it
Read The Secret + The Magic! Same author, Rhonda Byrne. Both really helped!
I have been trying to forget my ex and trust me i have never felt so empowered after breakup.. i seriously dont even feel the need to take his name or see him anyway..
Its like i am forgetting him…but jst when i start to forget him..i get some kind of indication..i really dont know if it ia really an indication..but whenever i forget about him completely…out of no where something hapens that reminds me of him..i just dont know y…
I just want to see what the world brings to me.. 🙂 i just wish for a guy who will love me more 🙂 ..whoever it’ll be
Hi Jen you have helped me lots already last time I spoke my ex wanted friends with benefits I told him no. I felt like I was getting strong again, then my little boy randomly asked about my ex and said he missed him. It put him back in my mind and I ended up emailing him to say my son had been asking about him and hope he was OK. His reply was quite blunt and anyway we ended up having a huge ’email fight’ me basically telling him exactly how he’d hurt me, how I thought he was quite narcissistic, and why could he not care etc etc !! Him basically saying was my fault, I wouldn’t take no for answer, I said I had just fighting for him as I loved him, he also said ‘he lived by reason not emotion’ (I took that to mean he is narcissistic) he also said he is not a forgiving person and I had lost a friend, I told him he wasn’t a friend to lose as he never treated me as a friend. Anyway all ended with us both saying we never want to speak again. I felt empowered at time that I’d had strength to stand up to him and tell him exactly how he made me feel. But now the guilt for things I said is setting in, and the pain again of missing and wanting him back so much. I just don’t know what to do ??
You.
Must.
Let.
Go.
It’s time. It’s over. Stop reaching out. Let him be.
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” –Cheryl Strayed
Thanks Jen I know I do. It’s just so hard as im so hurt with it all and angry at him for hurting me, and mis leading me and my son, not being sorry and angry at myself for believing he could finally be my happy ending. Yet I’d give anything for another chance, its such a confusing mess, but I know I need to let go and move on x
There’s no such thing as a happy ending, just continuing growth with beautiful periods and sad ones. YOU are your own happy ending and YOU create your happiness. You must never place that in another’s hands. I highly recommend reading The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz…it’ll help you through this.
Thank you I will x
Jen,
I was married for 19 years to a very narcissistic controlling man. We have three kids so I felt being a mother to 3 kids all close in age that’s what I had to do. I traveled the world before him and lived in Europe. I speak 3 languages. He despised me soaking languages when we travelled saying I was just showing off- though I went to school in Paris and later worked there and Italy. I met him after a bad experience in Europe which I moved back to the states. I knew as a strong woman a gradually was losing any independence and he just never praised much I did. He out me down lots. Needless I kept plugging away for my kids. No one in m family is divorced and family is a priority. He was never around a lot. We moved from our home town and the company he was VP was failing. Was like a death and I still tried to keep all together. I then begged for counseling and he went and walked out the minute we pointed out any of his problems. And that we never communicated. I filed for divorce since counseling was not an option. He was so controlling after 3 kids and 19 years of marriage I had to realize my name was not on anything so I had zero credit. Being a narcissist he was angry. I was relieved afte the divorce and very positive with my kids as my parents. He moved back to our home town with his own company. Joint custody it was not and he dated awful sleepy girls for a while. It made it easier for me to let go. Then at times he would come to town and try to get back or sleep with me and I wouldn’t let him because I couldn’t get past the gross girls he slept with . I started dating a man who loves traveling like me, fashion and so many things w heave so much fun and I live a life of things that are common to me from my past. Except he gets controlling at times coming from an abyss background. But we communicate lots and get tough things all which never happened. But recently I was becoming very tired of his way…..some things reminds m if my past…..so then I started thinking maybe , ex has grown up and he is my kids father. My kids are older and I have not introduced to whom I dated. I didn’t want to until I was sure. To me they didn’t ask for the divorce so I wanted them t focus on them and their school and mom was ok. Dad was showing his colors and they have lost respect. This past summer we were getting along. I had moved on and was happy and strong again. He even commented and wanted to sleep with me again. Now he seems to have found a woman with a 5 year old he is with her and him and misses his own daughters vents of her senior year. Who misses. It killed my heart. Then they travelled. My divorce came back up emotionally and then I had feelings again. I wanted my family back. How can he treat her well and be with her son when he didn’t me and I did everything alone with our kids. Nits gut wrenching. Two weeks befor he met her he wanted to sleep with me. Now it’s all her. I’m seeming so week . I’m emailing hi, begging for our family back and that Sh just needs him for money and a father figure in her sons life. They have only dated 4 months but gone on 6 trips already at family thanksgiving and maybe xmas…and my kids do not want to meet her. And he says they should because they should support him. I said it’s not about him it’s about the kids. He disagrees. 4 ,on the and she and kid he’s throwing in my kids face? He wasn’t there for us? He didn’t stand up for me like her . Now I a, feeling I want him back? Even though I have met the most in ruble people with whom I dated and we have fun. Feelings came up I didn’t expect. Everyday I think how can our family be back. His last word were it hasn’t been long only 4 months…. Kid is part of the package and he’s not going anywhere and I need to go get happy. Well he quit coming to see our senior in Highschool. I don’t get any of this. He wasn’t even honest apparently with new gf that he has joint custody. He never follows the decree. And everyone says she’s so sweet. How can she be sweet and nice dating a guy who doesn’t visit his daughter. He was in yesterday and he still gives me the look and as all my friends say he is still in love with me. She’s totally different. I’m 5″10 and she 5″4. I was in fashion industry forever and still….she’s in pharmaceuticals…we are total opposites and since I turned him down sleeping with me he ran. I was fine letting go and now I don’t. I’m so confused on all.
Wow. Why would you let a controlling, insecure, belittling man back into your life just because you’re jealous when even your kids can see that he’s a bad guy? You’ve got your priorities ALL wrong. Your ego is leading the show and there’s a part of you who likes the pain. That’s why you want him back.
Forgive my harshness, but you’d better pull your head out of your ass, and quickly, before you unravel all the independence you’ve fought so hard to regain. You’re WAY in the wrong here.
Yes- I appreciate your harshness. I think part of me when I realized his narcissism and being in it – as time went on and this lady appeared sometimes part of me started questioning all the things he tried to say which were not true. But now he’s with I guess a decent person I wonder if I was wrong a little. I guess normal- I just never had that feeling. Just over thanksgiving his mother reached out to me and so then I text him too. He never responded and my son said why do you think he would he’s never been nice. I have no idea how I came so far and this one relationship crumbled me. It made me wonder why didn’t he stick up for me or go to counseling. How can he be there for her kid and didn’t help me. As a devoted 100% mother doing most alone it hurt to see him so nice to someone else. I know it’s about him and the father of her little boy sadly passed away when he was 1. So maybe he feels he’s the night and shining armor for her. My oldest who is 22 laughed and said wow if I get married and pregnant soon we will be in school together. They can’t believe he’s pushing this new woman in their faces. But they are young adults and refuse to go . That’s not my business. Yes I often forget the wonderful people and things I interact with now and how I never would be back with the kinds of people I like. Rather than his controlling ways. I worked so hard for a family to be normal and I just didn’t get back. I’m not sure why I unraveled so much and I need harsh black and white. Why I would do that I don’t know. Thank you for your response and I need to figure out deep down why it triggered old feelings that are hurtful but wanting my family that I guess as everyone else said I made the picture, he just showed up. Old friends even say he was so jealous of you and not nice , so to make him feel better he had to control. Then this summer he seemed nicer and I thought maybe he’s grown and changed. But he refuses to communicate and refuses to come in for his daughter even with joint custody . He just thinks he can keep putting all money in their accounts and they all are fine. He’s trying to buy their love. I just became sad all over again. I suppose with the holidays it hit- but none of the past years bothered me. I need to know once the honeymoon period with this girl is over he will prob be the same. Why would he father a kid that’s not his if he didn’t his own. But since it’s about him and she needs he and his money I’m sure she won’t stand up or disagree. As shown leaving her son 4 weekends in a row to travel with him. I would never but I guess it shows they are putting kids second which is not me no matter how old they are. I probably need to start writing everything over again. The negatives. He knows how to push my buttons so maybe I allowed that. When I’m dead quiet he can’t stand it and asks the kids how I am and what I’m doing. Then when I reach out even if just for kids he refuses to answer and if he does he says if I disagree, cry or raise my voice he will hang up. Mean I know. So I finally said fine! Hang up because I’m not a robot! Your words have helped and I have a marathon coming up I’m ready and some fashion jobs that have come back up so hopefully I’ll be busy not even to think of his childish ways. I guess the emotional abuse I endured for 19 years- sometimes it’s hard not to let the old ways creep back in. But you are right- never should he be allowed back in for how he behaves and treats me.
He is not going to change. The honeymoon period will end with this woman and she too will know the misery you’ve known. Hopefully she doesn’t waste 19 years of her life and is able to get out sooner. Best of luck to you. ❤️
Jen…
Major setback. I was doing so so good with letting go and moving on.
Then out of the blue my ex texted me telling me that he still had a couple of pairs of earrings and wanted to get them back to me. Long story short he continued to text me and tell me about his life and school so I was nice and carried on the conversation. He asked me if I had “a new boy toy” but I ignored that comment and didn’t even answer it and continued our conversation.
I let myself get my hopes up thinking that there was no way he would text me and talk to me if he didn’t want to work on things.
Then he asked if I was angry at him because I thought thought he was talking to someone else.. Even though he had already told me when we broke things off the he was interested in someone else. But he told me he never pursued her because he only would have to forget about us and that wasn’t right. Even though he’s told me he hasn’t had feelings for me since we officially broke up. So what would there be to forget?
He proceeded to tell me that he has moved on and And I got very upset and asked him why he was even talking to me and things like that. And he was like you’re my friend. I told him that I couldn’t be friends with him and to never contact me unless he wanted to change and work on things. And he said it wouldn’t happen again and that he was sorry for talking to me.
The whole time I was trying to get through to him of why I was so upset he just kept saying things like “stop being pouty” and stuff like that.
I feel like I’ve back peddled significantly and I don’t understand where to go from here. Im hurt allllll over again and I miss him so much.
Please give me your insight.
You haven’t back pedaled. You actually did great — you finally drew a boundary. This is good. It just feels bad, but it won’t continue to.
You’re a bit reactive and have a flair for the dramatic. It’s not a “major setback.” It was just an uncomfortable conversation. He wanted to know if you were still interested and you rightfully got angry and told him to go away. You should’ve done that a long time ago! Everything is going to be ok.
I am very much still interested in him but he made it clear that he wasn’t interested in me. I feel like he just wanted to see where I was at with moving on and Im upset that i even gave him the time of day, because it got my hopes up. But I thought he was interested.
Do you think he intended on just making sure I was still interested in him or do you think he’s sincere in saying that he has moved on?
Also was it a bad move to tell him to not contact me unless he wanted to work on things? Should I not have let him know that that door was still open?
You know I’m not going to answer those questions. 🙂 You’re a big girl, you know what’s up. And you’ll be okay. Stop letting yourself be so vulnerable to his every whim.
I’m so sick of him playing games with me and I just wanted him to want to work on things.
It seems like he just wants me to hurt.
I can’t let go when he keeps popping in.
So don’t let him pop in.
I shouldn’t let him pop in. But I always find myself saying that I’m scared he’ll never contact me again. I know he’s just playing games but I just don’t understand why. I don’t understand why he keeps playing them if he doesn’t want me and he’s moved on. It doesn’t make sense to me.
I definitely drew a boundary by telling him not to text me anymore but again, I’m scared that he actually won’t. talking to him just made me miss him all over again. We talked just like we used to.
Hi J’en, first of all thanks for being there for us. Also, I had read all your posts and comments in this thread.
However, I’m here today all depressed and wondering: why after 10 months apart I’m still not over my ex? How come am I still crying about the breakup almost everyday? How come he didn’t even teach out to me after all this time considering we were together for 2 years and half?
He broke up 10 months ago when I started talking about marriage and he told me that he wasn’t ready. He respects me and couldn’t promise me an engagement. That freedom is more important than anything.
I tried everything, all the activities possible that you can do to basically forget about it. I even tried to talk to other guys and go on “dates”. But I still find myself comparing every guy to him because they’re not compatible enough and i have no feelings at all.
Plus, this girl from his group of friends that always wanted him to be more than friends. He went on vacation with her a few weeks later after the break up. He brought her to restaurants that I liked and going out to places.
I don’t know for sure he has something with her, but still how can just “friends” go on vacation to the countries I always wanted to visit and he knew about it. I feel like he left me for his friends, for her…
Anyway I’m sorry about my long story. I need your advice, I wanna know why I can’t let go yet because I want him to realise one day what’s he’s been missing.
Thank you Jen.
Jen I forgot to add something to my comment. I must admit that I still look at the social media, like I know he talks to her almost everyday, pictures of the whole trip and the estaurants they went to when they came back. Also, my friend saw them at a music show. I can’t keep myself to stop looking and wondering why he didn’t miss me and didn’t contact me at all after all this time.
Thanks again
Hi bubblegum,
I don’t strategize on why exes do what they do, because if you’re not even sure, how could I be? But it sounds like you’re idealizing someone who, honestly, didn’t want to settle down with you. And the reason you can’t let go is because you’re clinging to hope that isn’t there. In reality, you should be angry that he wasted your time.
And my last thought is this: you say you haven’t been compatible with the new guys. Well, if your ex left you high and dry because you wanted to be more serious, then you definitely weren’t compatible with him either.
You’re unable to let go because you’re not really trying to. Looking at social media every day and obsessing about his new girl? That’s not trying to let go. That’s trying, desperately, to hang on.
He’s gone. Let him go.
Hi Jen,
Thanks for you quick answer. However I need you to know that he was the one who talked about marriage first but I wasn’t ready at the time. We looked for a place for over a complete year. So I don’t think he didn’t want to settle at the time, except that he told me he wasn’t ready when I was.
Plus, I agree with you whe you said that looking at social media is not letting go. The only thing is, I keep this hope cause he has told me that he might come back and ask me to marry him months later which he didn’t do.
I still have feelings for him cause even if I’m supposed to me angry at him, I want him to be happy with me or not. It does hurt me that he might date someone else, but I do believe that what’s meant to be will always find its way. It just hurts to know that our family where involved, that we talked about our future and did almost everything to get there but when the time came he basically ran from me.
Thanks again
It’s not a bad thing to want him to be happy. It’s a good thing. But right now, you have to want YOU to be happy more than you want him to be happy. You have to take your focus off of him and onto you. And if he’s going to come back, it’s better that he comes back to a happy, healed you instead of a lonely and desperate one. Please take care of yourself!
Hi Jen,
It’s true I’ve been feeling like I’m not myself anymore. I need to find myself and be happy again. He can’t come back to this version of me that is sad and depressed.
Thank you for being there.
Your posts have been so helpful. xx
I think if you tend to your own happiness and healing, even if it’s slow, everything will improve greatly. Almost like you need to pretend he’s passed away for a little while and proceed forward as though he’s really gone: mourn the loss, heal properly and regain your joy. Care for and nurture yourself the way you’re wishing someone else would. That’s the secret to getting them back permanently anyway and that is how it worked for me.
I know this part would be sad, but I love your tip about thinking as the person has passed away. It’s true because we have the same steps while going through a breakup. I feel like I got stuck in a cycle and I need to get pass it and accept that he’s gone. I like to think that If he’s mine then you can’t really lose what’s yours.
Hi Jen,
I followed your advice and booked a trip to Paris for Christmas tomorrow. I’m so excited to be away for a while and do my best to let go of my ex and hopefully one day I’ll be no more thinking about him. That day, he might come back. For now on, the most important thing is that I make myself happy. I listened to 2 special songs that reminded me what your blog is about and I strongly I suggest that everyone here to do the same: Brand new me from Alicia Keys and I am from Leona Lewis.
Thank you for your support Jen, your are fantastic. xx
Ps: I realised that you mentionned about downloading a phone game in another post which I did when my ex and I broke up for the firdt time 2 years ago (we got back together before thus breakup a year later). I played the Crush Saga everytimr i was thinking about him. Its funnyhat you did the same thing when C and you were broken up. I also started writing not a blog only in my tablet when I need to let go of my emotions – it’s like a therapy.
I’m sorry there is so many mistakes in my previous comments. I sent you this comment from my phone. Haha
This alllll sounds like good stuff. You are moving in the right direction and your healing is inevitable! I’m excited for your joy to return to you. Keep me updated. ❤️
Hi Jen 🙂
I sent you an email to smalllifeslowlife@gmail.com with some news (plus a picture of me in Paris).
Let me know if you didn’t get it.
Kisses
Hey bubblegum, I shut down all the email addresses because I was simply getting too many, so I didn’t get your email. 😦
Hi Jen,
It’s okay! I was basically telling you in the e-mail that I’m having fun in Paris. I enjoy every little moment with my family. I’m also going to Disneyland Paris this Tuesday which is a big dream of mine (I believe in fairytales and think that I’m also princess haha).
I think a little bit less about my ex, it’s not like it was before even tho I still miss him sometimes and wish he was with me here.
Kisses from Paris.
xx
I’m SO glad you’re having a good time in Paris with family. I’ve never been to Paris, but I’ve been to Disneyland in Tokyo and it’s really magical to see a Disneyland in another country! It’s normal to still miss him but what’s GREAT is that you’re starting to be able to enjoy yourself. Healing is happening. ❤
Hi Jen,
We have so many things in common. I have read in your blog that you were teaching English in Japan. I just love this country and everything about it. I hope I can visit this country one day.
Today I was in the train and I saw a guy from the back who looked just like my ex (it wasn’t him tho) and even tho I’m not thinking about him all day like when I wasn’t in trip, I felt like I missed him.
I’m finally accepting that our old relationship is done and I wanna be happy. But I must admit that I still have some feelings for him and wish things would turn out differently.
I’m not waiting for his return which is the best part now and I try to keep myself busy. Everytime I think about it, I try to keep my mind busy.
However, I hope you’re fine and take care.
Hi, Jen
My ex left me and I believe he’s the one still, I tried everything that’s possible but nothing moved him, he’s senseless now towards me, so can I just know two things from you. How did your ex-your husband now- got back to you ?
What did you do to get him back to you or make him want you again ?
All the best, Reem.
Just like I said in the blog, I let him go and worked on healing myself. It’s the only thing that works. There is no strategy you can employ to manipulate them back. Only by letting him go completely do you have a chance of regaining him.
Hii jen :*
but we hadnt had any physical connection…bcz i want emotional connection first …i dnt knw y i am so afraid with the situation..may b because i feel..this is the last stage…after this i will lose all the feelings for my ex…its a strange feeling nd i feel guilty about it i dont know y
N here again for updates 🙂
Jst started dating a new guy…after a long tym i finally felt some connection with a person 🙂
He makes me feel so gud 🙂
I dnt knw how long this relationship will be bcz we jst started ….so lets see wat happens..i compare him with my ex all the tym…we r not yet connected emotionally….there is a lot of sexual tension between me and the new guy..i feel weird about this..
Have u ever felt this way?
Yeah, I definitely felt that way when I started dating someone else. Don’t worry so much. Letting go is good. 🙂 Enjoy this new chapter in your life!
I cant see any new comments??
Yep, there’s some issue. Don’t know what it is. Hopefully it’ll sort itself out.
Thnkyu so mch jen 🙂
I m so relieved.. i was feelings guilty for doing things…but i shudnt bother mch
Thankyu for being here for us …
Lots of love :*
Hi Jen were not able to see all the comments anymore.
I know. Not sure what I can do about that on my end, seems to be a WordPress issue.
Hi jen..
The guy i was dating ..he jst told me he is not ready for any future commitment…should i continue to date this guy knwng that he cant offer me a future?
I don’t think you’re ready for a future now either. Just relax and have fun!
Ohkiii 🙂 thnx jen :p
Met my ex three years ago today. I’ve been trying so hard to move on and let go. I really have been. But I keep failing. I keep crying. I feel crazy because One day I am so bad and another day I am strong. It’s been almost 4 months since the breakup. I keep thinking, I can’t believe he moved on so fast. 😦
– still hurting
I still felt like that at the 4 month mark too. It passes, I promise. But you have to really choose to live again. It’s okay to still be hurting, but you eventually need to choose to move on. You’ll know when it’s time.
My ex last texted me Saturday after I told him to never contact me again (because he said he had moved on) the day before… And I ignored it. I’m starting to feel guilty because after three texts, I haven’t heard from him since. He never left my earrings outside of my door that he wanted to get to me so bad, and he’s stopped being so incredibly active on Twitter. Later that night I also saw him at a party, but never contacted him.
But I had noticed that he deleted another picture of us off of his Instagram.
I’ve prayed and asked for signs that if things are meant to be to give me signs to put me at ease OR to give me obvious signs that I need to move on and he has ALWAYS contacted me when I least expected it about something random.
Today I’ve been missing him a lot so I’ve been asking for a sign… as my friend and I were driving out of the parking garage from the library, and after I had just said “I wonder why B never comes to the library with the rest of his friends. Do you think it’s cause he knows I’m there?”, he came around the corner and we made complete eye contact. My heart absolutely dropped.
I’m just starting to feel really guilty that because I told him to never contact me again and ignored him the next day that I really will never hear from him again.
I know he hates when I’m mad at him, because last time he contacted me to “give me my earings” he brought up that he doesn’t want me to hate him or want me to think that he was talking to someone else.
But I clearly portrayed my anger and now I feel guilty.. Even though I told him to never contact me again since he had moved on from our breakup.
I feel like he’s playing so many games with me and sending me mixed signals and I don’t understand why he won’t just come out and tell me what he wants. As soon as I’m “okay” he makes his way back in to tell me that he’s moved on or to give me some random object of mine back.
I don’t know if I’m handling things well. On the outside I feel like I may be, but on the inside I’m hurting all over again.
I don’t have a question, I just need advice on how to handle things.
Totally not sure if my last comment posted or not! Did it?
Yep, it did.
I know you’re probably upset with me because I’m not letting go by thinking about him and holdin onto hope.
The signs are keeping me from letting go and the constant checking my phone waiting for him to text me again is keeping me from letting go… Along with the gut feeling that we are meant to be.
I’m sorry to keep bugging you I’m just struggling with the mixed signals he’s giving me.
My fear is that by showing him that I’m trying to let go, HE will let go.
I apologize for my constant updates.
I’m not upset with you. I don’t know you. I’ve just given you all the advice I have.
Okay, thank you. Hopefully soon I will have a happy update, and will feel much better about where I’m at. Thank you so much, for everything. ❤
I’ve a similar issue that one girl here wrote that I’m afraid if a let go he’s gonna let go forever!
Actually he never admit his feelings when he’s in this phase, like he hurt me so much and everything and I didn’t hear a sweet word from him since two months , all we did is arguing which was basically me begging him to give us a chance and let us get back together.yeah I know might be a stupid thing but I’m madly in love with him! So last thing he told me is , he’s not ready for any commitments now and not even a relationship for now, but told me who knows what might happen one day , if we are meant to be well be together in a. Year or ten! That’s what he told me, well I believe him but still want him so bad in my arms! But what do you think Jen? Do you see that I should do something specific , and yeah a side note: he told me I think you’re the best I’ve ever had and I know he really meant it because he’s the honest type, please share with me your thoughts about this.
Ree.
Hi Ree,
Please read this blog again (and all the comments).
This is a blog about letting go. You’re asking me about hanging on. You cannot let go and hang on at the same time, and he won’t come back until he senses you’ve let go. (He still may not even come back but you’ll feel so much better that you won’t care.)
I won’t answer strategic questions on how to treat your ex. There are a million other books and blogs that will play those kinds of games. I’m not about that. I’m about you healing YOU whether he comes back or not.
I’ve been where you’ve been. I hung on for six miserable months and hated every day of my life. The minute I let go + gave up, a new peace arrived and I found joy again. THAT is why I wrote this and that is why I don’t answer questions on how to get him back. If you’re only here as a way to get him back you’ve missed the entire point!
Yeah Jen I see what you meant or what you’re about here in your blog and I actually admire the idea! And yeah you’re right maybe my way sounded like I was asking you for how to get him back, but you know what? I think now I’m ready to let go! Yes I am since he asked for this himself and that I should do that to let him miss things between us again, and what’s better than him coming back himself for that, I hope that happens to me, and than one day I’d be married to the one I love like you! 🙂
All the best,
Ree.
Hi Jen,
What happened to the comments 😦
Oh sorry! They were hidden for me for some reason until I commented. THANK GOD lol. I come read these every day! xx
Yeah there’s some weird issue just on this post where they’re not automatically showing. I tried to fix it for 2 hours yesterday — no idea! Maybe we broke the Internet. 🙂
As far as my progress goes, it has been 4 weeks since the break up. I’m no longer crying every second of every day, but I cry at least once a day for sure. I can find joy in some things I used to do, like shopping, but I tend to fade into thoughts about him, like how beautiful he is and intelligent and so successful, and how all the girls will pounce all over him. That he could have been mine but for some reason I was unable to maintain his interest, that after 4 years his feelings flatlined and he’s moving on.
I lost the most perfect man out there. I know I sound melodramatic but I know it’s true. He was perfect inside and out. I have very little hope that anyone will come close to comparing. That’s my current struggle in the process. I’ve managed to stop texting him, I’ve managed to pull myself together, eating a bit more, but cannot get passed the notion that I lost the most perfect man. I really did. And it wasn’t because he’s a bad person…he just fell out of love and here I am. Cruel fate.
Eva x
The very most harmful thing we do in every relationship that fails is putting the other person on a pedestal. It’s a recipe for heartbreak because it makes the power imbalanced. The very part of your brain that is lying to you, saying that you’ll never love as deeply or find someone as “perfect” (that word makes me cringe), is the exact part that caused you to lose him. If lovers aren’t equal in a relationship, the relationship fails. Every time.
You’re right. That’s a tough reality to confront — that placing him on a pedestal and suspending his flaws is detrimental to my healing and will never allow me to close the door. I romanticize him and view him as some kind of celestial being. And perhaps, ultimately, it’s because I fail to see my own worth and am unable to believe in myself the way I believe in him.
You hit the nail on the head, my dear.
Hey Jen,
I am one of those souls who finds comfort and strength in your writing. I was broken up with after nearly 6 years with what I thought was my perfect match in October. It is blogs and people like you who remind me the pain is temporary and that I am stronger and more resilient than my pain. I try to do the things you suggest… Try new things… Learn about stuff… Let him go. I know you said you let him go during aerial yoga… By just saying goodbye. I have tried to do that, but I don’t think it has worked. I distract myself with rock climbing, reading new books, and hanging out with people. But always he is there in my thoughts. Barely a moment goes by without a reminder. I guess what I really want to know… Is… What did you do… Moment by moment… To ease the pain? I am trying to get to the point where I am not hoping against hope that he changes his mind. I never begged, and have only seen him once since he broke up with me. I reached out twice.. But it was awful. So I have stopped talking to him… Unfriended him… And done my absolute best to let him go. Some days it seems like I have… But more often than note, I feel like I haven’t. Did you ever feel at any point that you had properly stopped loving C in the time you guys were apart?
I hope all in your life is going beautifully.
I don’t know if I’ve ever successfully stopped loving anyone. If I think of anyone from my past and remember the good times, I can feel the dim warmth of that love. But I get what you’re asking. There’s not much you can do to ease the pain other than exactly what you’re doing. It might feel like it’s not working, but it is! The heaviness of the burden WILL begin to lift. Keep facing the pain as you have been — any kind of avoidance will just make it hang around longer. I absolutely promise that you will get there — I get comments from people for whom it has happened all the time. ❤️ You are doing all the right things and you will survive this! I swear.
Just posting so the comments will appear – disregard x
Use the link in the blog post to view the comments instead of posting. I added it right at the top.
Oh perfect! Thanks!
Hi Jen,
First of all, thank you for all of your words and guidance! You’ve helped countless people and you are a true gem.
I’m having a really hard time and am back again at square one. My ex broke up with me two months ago because he stopped caring due to little arguments we were having and also my insecurity. Up until a week and a half ago we were in contact on and off (mostly me trying to understand and make sense of the situation and change his mind blah blah blah). Finally I gave up because I realized it was getting me nowhere and likely doing more damage than good. He was acting quite cold and dismissive. Since then I’ve been feeling a lot better and closer to letting go. But last night I realized that he had deleted all of our photos off of his Instagram. All two years of our memories and trips. He left a couple of just me which I found strange. Either way, this hurts like absolute hell. I feel as though I am being erased and that he doesn’t care at all and has moved on. Just when I was beginning to feel better. Perhaps he has just moved on so completely that deleting our life didn’t even phase him. Anyway, these setbacks are painful and horrible and I’m having a hard time letting go. Some words of wisdom would be very much appreciated, being deleted hurts almost more than the breakup itself.
Ah, yes. I remember watching my photos get deleted on Facebook during my breakup. He’s not doing that because he’s forgotten you. Quite the opposite. It’s because he can’t bear to look at the photos of when you used to be happy. It’s painful for him, so he’s erasing them. He’s trying to erase the pain and the guilt. It won’t work, but you can’t blame the guy for trying. I know why it’s getting to you, but try not to let it so much. If he truly didn’t care he’d be posting photos of him out with new people.