I let him go.
Really.
I know too well what it’s like to be nursing a broken heart, thinking I’d do anything to get back with my former flame. I’ve thought of every tactic out there. Lonely months went by and I slimmed down to a ghostly version of my former, happy self.
I alienated my friends because the breakup was all I could talk about. “But he was The One!” I said to them, over and over.
My work performance suffered because I couldn’t stop the toxic spewing of negative crap from my mouth. I barely slept and became really destructive.
I told myself the myth that if he just came back to me, my whole life would be fixed.
Yeah. That didn’t happen.
Heart on fire, ashes everywhere
— there’s no return from a red like that.MANUEL DE FREITAS
It took a long time to give up on him and realize that I was facing my life alone. But after so much misery and thinking I’d never be happy again, it dawned on me that the worst had already happened, and there was nothing else to lose.
Weirdly, there was a kind of freedom in that thought. It was a clean slate.
I realized I’d totally abandoned myself, and I decided to reclaim my life.
It was during an anti-gravity yoga class that I rocked in Savasana and saw C’s face float in front of my eyes. I looked at it for a long time and softly said “Goodbye.”
Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
So I moved on. I did what they all tell you to do — I spent time with friends, I took up hobbies, I learned to enjoy taking up the whole bed as I slept alone. I spent mornings drinking coffee on my new balcony (instead of bemoaning that I’d had to get a new apartment by myself at age 31 when I thought I was going to be married by then). I exercised and cooked healthy foods for myself.
I tried things I would have never done before. I applied to speak at Beyond Luon. I learned to make kombucha. Eventually, I dated someone else. It took time, but I came back to life and reclaimed my life as my own.
And then, there he was.
After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)
Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?
Giving up.
Surrendering.
Letting go.
Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.
And then, you know what happens?
That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.
(And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours to begin with.)
We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety.
THE I-CHING
So let it go. Stop thinking if you lose the weight, dress sexier, text him/her at 2am, that’ll work out. You’re missing the entire point.
As much as you can’t believe it, that person doesn’t even matter. You can be happy with someone else, eventually. And you can be very happy alone.
You are the one who matters.
Let nothing stand in the way of the happiness available to you at this exact moment.
Then go live your life and be prepared to be amazed.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
EDIT | June 2, 2015: I’m not sure why the comments don’t always show on this post anymore, but you can access them here!
If you have a question, I recommend reading through all 750+ comments before reaching out. Definitely feel comfortable reaching out to someone who has commented who has a situation similar to yours. Be there for each other! For me personally, I just cannot keep up with the amount of comments anymore, and I know I’ve done enough in the 2.5 years since I wrote this blog to help as many people as I can.
As many of you know, C is no longer “my ex.” We reunited in April of 2013, got engaged that September, and were married in August, 2014. 🙂
I had no idea when I wrote this post that it would create such an outpouring of love and questions from you readers. I am amazed everyday by all of you who so bravely and vulnerably share your stories with me here.
The comments per day keep growing, and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up it is impossible to keep up!
I am honored that this little corner on the internet has been able to provide some healing for you. And I’m sorry that I am no longer able to answer any comments here. My first piece of advice is to read all the comments written back and forth before yours — you may find the answer you need in there.
If any part of you believes in the law of attraction, I also recommend reading this and regularly reading these. Both helped me immensely during my breakup.
I wish you quick and full healing.
I am so thankful to you. Love, Jen
small life, slow life 
So happy to see this pop up!!!! ❤
Sent from my iPad
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I really needed to read this post. Thank you!
You are so welcome. I hope it helped. 🙂
I googled and searched for days before finding your post. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Really letting go and being at peace that if he doesn’t come back, he wasn’t mine to begin with. Thank you for sharing your story. How long did it take you to finally let go? Did you both date other people?
Hi Nikki,
I dated someone else, eventually. It took me a long time. C went on dates with two other people but nothing ever came of it for him.
I was really resistant when my friends told me to date other people, but you know what? It really helped. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you that you’re worth it, and funny, and intelligent, and yes, attractive – especially attractive. Because it’s likely that your confidence is currently half-dead somewhere underground, and if you do want to attract him back into your life (or someone better), you’ll need to resurrect that confidence.
Even when I was dating someone else, I wasn’t fully over C. That’s how it is with big love. But I found myself able to laugh again, and think of something other than the breakup most of the time, and that really helped. I also lived alone during that time and started focusing on really nurturing myself and giving myself the things I had denied when I was so wrapped up in the relationship with C. I cooked for myself and had late night dates with my girlfriends. I spent days in my pajamas watching marathon sessions of HBO’s Girls. And I played Britney Spears really, really loudly (C hates Britney, haha). I took super-long showers, simply because there was no one waiting for me to get out of the shower. I walked places. My life slowed down. Those things began to heal me, little by little.
The thing I want to express about if he comes back to you is that it will NOT be the fantasy you have in your mind. In fact, you’ll initially really distrust him and it can be pretty upsetting, because then you will have to fix what broke. C and I are in pre-marital counseling and this stuff still comes up, over a year and a half since the breakup. So there’s that to think about too.
Thanks for taking the time to respond : )
Wow.
This post really made me pro active to do something,
I’m going through the same thing, was with my g/f for 3 years. We have a little baby boy too, arguing constantly and I left. We tried to work it out but I blew hot and cold and now she doesnt see a future and told me she’s no longer in love with me, I think I’m just a bit more confused, she told me I was her soulmate, love of her life and the only bloke she wants, now she doesn’t see a future as it’s always arguments, it’s hard And painful to move on but it’s now something I need to do. I’d want her back in a second but I need to work on me and get the idea out of my head of her meeting someone else. Makes me feel sick,
Love can be restored between you, but it will take both of you creating a shared vision of a healthy relationship. For your sake and your little boy’s, you must eradicate the source of the arguing before you can reunite. What grudge are you carrying that has prevented peace between you?
Very inspiring story and something that I am currently struggling with. I was in love with the “love of my life” and I thought he too with me. That ended one day over a small disagreement over dinner. But, all my friends told me there was something greater at hand. I couldn’t really find any red flag issue but rather small mundane things that got on his nerves.
It’s been about 5 months since we seen each other. Recent floods made me reach out to him just to let him know I care. But, I really think I need to let go of the thought of us getting back together. Then and only then do I think it will happen. It really is tough I was doing great, then his birthday hit and I went for a spin. ;(
Hey Rick,
A setback is a very normal part of the process. I didn’t speak to my ex for three months but one day he began reaching out and asked if I wanted to have coffee. I was still very desperate and down and hoping we’d get back together, so I went. It was awful! Probably the most awkward cups of coffee ever shared between two people. After that, I thought I’d really messed up for good and that we’d never get back together. I decided to stop saying his name aloud, stop talking about the breakup and to just say YES to anything anyone asked me to do with them. “You know what,” I told myself, “he’s not coming back. So you have to decide to swim, or drown.”
I decided to swim and I let any hope go of us reconciling, ever. One month later, he was back.
Letting go is really part of the process. And as for your ex, you have to remember what originally attracted him to you — you were happy, and outgoing, and positive. Right now, while you’re holding on hoping that he comes back, you’re none of those things.
Turn the focus back to YOU and remind yourself of what makes you, YOU, at an essential level. Do the things that remind you WHY you’re lovable and worthy. For me, it was writing, yoga and spending time with friends. One night when I was particularly sad, I wrote love letters to strangers and left them all around my town. Other people volunteer at a senior home or an animal shelter to remind themselves that their situation is not as bad as it feels.
Five months feels like forever — I know it does. But your healing is just around the corner. I know it.
Thanks for the reply. I’ve really taken this all to heart. I’ve been “working on myself” but honestly it’s so half assed. You called me out =) I do want him back desperately but in that…I am not finding happiness. I’m not refocusing my efforts on myself and really saying…there is no reason to think we will get back. So I have to move forward. Sink or swim and now I have to swim. I honestly have SO much to be grateful for and it’s so annoying when I’m such a ball of positivity to all my friends and here I am sulking in my own ashes.
So I’m really going to take my ship…cut the anchor that is keeping me in the sea of sadness and move on. If it happens and he comes back, oh … that’s a whole new world to explore. But, for now I’m going to make myself happy.
Hi Rick. Checking in on you and seeing how the swimming is going. 🙂
This post and your other post has helped me so much! The one question I did have for you is that during the times or months that you and your ex at the time didn’t speak did it ever feel or seem like he had moved on? If so how did you deal with that part of the break up?
I recently gotten out of a relationship and I completly removed myself from him. Kind of just like you mentioned in your other post- I agreed rather then crying and begging for him to not leave. I didn’t offer to be friends or anything. I just wished him well. Although its still fresh I feel like because we havent spoken hes over it. He has reached out to me once after we broke up but it is still just too soon to have a big turn around between us. I was hoping since this post was so encouraging that you would have a few words to spare when you maybe felt like this. I miss him so much but it seems like he is just fine and over it.
I do think it is very important to get my life back. I want nothing more then to wake up not missing him and feeling like I want to cry. Today is his birthday and it hurts that I can’t even be there for him during that. I do understand why letting go is such a big part of a breakup because like you said- that relationship needed to end. In order to create a new relationship with him or anyone else I have to heal from that moment in my life and allow something new to come again.
Thanks so much- I really love your blog! Out of all the “how to get your ex back” online searching lol this is the only post that hit home for me. It was real and honest. There was also a happy ending!
Oh I DEFINITELY felt like he had moved on. One time when we met up for coffee he even told me he’d been on dates with two people. I could *feel* that he was trying to move on and it totally destroyed me because the only person I could think about was him. It was because I thought he was just fine that I ended up forcing myself to move on. It was NOT easy. I only found out months and months later that my ex had actually been in a destructive downward spiral. But I truly thought that he was just fine.
Sometimes you have to remember how it feels to be the one who does the breaking up. A few years ago, I was with this really great guy but I just knew we weren’t right for each other. I broke up with him in the kindest way I could and then asked that we not contact each other for a few weeks.
I WAS A WRECK! I walked around feeling like the worst person ever, totally missing him, feeling like an idiot. I kept going back to my gut feeling that we weren’t right together, but the GUILT of being the one doing the breaking up can be devastating! When we finally did talk, he was angry that I hadn’t reached out and said he hated that I was “just totally fine” after the breakup. I never ended up telling him that I didn’t go to work for a week and was actually totally miserable.
He left me alone, like I asked him to. I dated other people, but I always thought about him, And you know what? I did try to go back to him. But he was smart, and by the time I did, he had someone else.
My point here is that it’s doubtful that your ex is “just fine.” Especially because you’re not contacting him, I’m sure he thinks about you a lot. Because it’s his birthday, I know he missed your presence. Even if there’s someone new in the picture, you just can’t move on that fast. I’ve broken up with guys to be with new guys (when I was younger, and not so great of a person) and totally missed the guys I broke up with. You just can’t break a connection that quickly. It’s impossible.
To answer your question — how did I deal with that part of the breakup? Well, I was super miserable. I imagined my ex was off living this amazing life with all of these women around him. The thought of him getting away with happiness while I had to literally count reasons to get up in the morning was the worst. Ever. It was the saddest time in my life and it was a slow process.
But I got a new apartment and printed a bunch of happy pictures of my friends & family and put them around. I spent a lot of time with my friends and co-workers (the positive ones) and avoided happily-in-love people like the plague. I saw movies, I read books, I took walks, I got a haircut, I listened to music really loud, and I cried. A lot. I cried so much, I was always congested. But I told myself that every time I cried, I was healing 0.5%-1% of the grief, so I willingly did it.
There is no shortcut. “Pain demands to be felt.” –John Green
So let yourself cry, and be miserable, and it’ll feel like forever, but then it will be over. And you’ll feel happy. I swear. It’s like magic…one day, you just feel better. And you might have little reminders that will mess you up, but it’ll be for only a few hours, instead of the entire day. And then it will amaze you that the next time you’re in love, it’ll be different. Deeper. Because you allowed yourself the experience of grieving, your capacity for love and joy will be exponentially bigger. And one day you’ll think, “You know? All that sadness was worth it.” I know I do.
Thank you so much for your words! This helped me a lot. My ex actually wrote me the day of his birthday because he was a little upset that I didn’t wish him a Happy Birthday. I felt really bad but I told him that he broke up with me and that I was acceting the situation. He then told me he misses me. Although it was nice to hear those words it still doesn’t change the situation. Were stil broken up and im still hurting. I feel like inorder to create a new relationship I have to grow from the last one. He does too. I miss him so much it hurts. But eventhough he is telling me that it still doesn’t feel right.
I love what you said because it is true. The outside apperance is always different then the inside apperance. If you look at me you wouldn’t know I was hurting or in heartbreak but if you looked in the inside you would see how hard it has been on me. I have to remember that with him as well. I miss him dearly and I do hope that it works for us the second time around.
Thank you so much!
Trust your gut. It will come to feel right, or it won’t. If he’s missing you and even hearing that doesn’t feel right, it could be because there is someone who will be a much better match for you waiting in the wings.
Missing the person is the hardest part. Hate it.
It’s been about a week — how are things going now?
It’s been getting easier. I have been taking your advice in your blog and just getting out and about. I became Vegan recently and it’s actually been the best thing happening to me. I HATE cooking lol but for some reason cooking vegan food has been very therapeutic for me. It’s amazing. Been going on lots of walks. Doing yoga. I have a goal to sit and meditate for 15-20 min a day for the next 30 days. I noticed when my thoughts start to race towards my ex I get very negative within myself and tense up physically. When I jus relax and stay calm throughout the day I have less episodes like that. I felt like meditating could help some.
You can only live life day by day. That’s exactly what I am doing. Missing someone is the worst part but the only way out of this is letting go. Either way I have to let go. I talked to my cousin today and she told me her and her current boyfriend of 4 years actually broke up. It was her that wanted it. She wanted to live life more and expierence it with other people too. She broke his heart cause all he wanted was to be with her. She told me they had been broken up for 9 months and 6 of those months they were not speaking. At the end of the day she still loved him. She told me it just wasn’t the right time for them at that moment. She lived her life. She appeared happy. She dated other people. She was even quick to tell him to do the same thing. She told me that if it’s meant to happen with me and my ex that life will put us back together. Even when it feels impossible. Today it’s over. Accept that and go on with life happily. I thought her story was nice as well. The two of them are happier then I have ever seen them.
Either way I am determined to let go and be happy. I’m not taking about it any more I am just doing it : )
Hi Jen.
How can I move forward while I have to see my ex as we have a child, I can’t do nc as i need to see my lad but I feel I can’t move on while it’s so raw to see her,
I want nothing more than for her to see me in a new light and I really hope it does. There’s no magic pill to say that’ll happen, but i figured if she can call me a soulmate and the love of her life and best friend and I know she truly meant it can that all come back, being told shes no longer in love hurt the most and I felt once it’s gone it’s gone,
Thank you
You can’t do no contact but you can choose to contact her only about your son. Leave all discussion about anything personal out of your conversations, don’t even ask her how she is. Work only on yourself and try to limit the obsessive thoughts about her. Fill your days with new activities and make new memories outside of your relationship. It will get better but you also have to be patient. Read the comments I’ve posted to others ob this blog. You will heal!
Yea I know your right and I’m really trying hard. We had something real and now it seems lost,
I wanted to text her that I’m sorry for all the arguments we had and that I want her to be happy. I’ve said things in the heat of the moment and so has she so would a apology be ok, or leave it,
Leave it.
Ok I will,
I just really hope a new positive me, finally letting go with the hope we’re not getting back will rekindle it, if what we had was real I’m sure it can be again, and I believe her when she told me those things, that can’t just go.
Been two months since we split
Becoming positive and letting go — realizing that you can be happy with or without her — is the true secret.
Yea your right,
It’s having that ureaka moment when you can let go, and why do exs look so happier like there ok, (I know she isn’t she likes to be in control so this is her way of keeping It up and saving face, wish I was more like this.
Can I ask something, when a woman tells you her real feelings and means them will it always stay, my ex told me I was the one and it’s always me whether we’re together or not. Yet now she’s no longer IN love or sees a future. Can this be bought and revived due to me letting go,
Sorry to go on
“In love” and “out of love” are states — ever-changing — like water. Droughts are not permanent. Nor are floods. Right now, her feelings for you are like a drought, dried up. But it can rain again anytime. If I didn’t believe love could be rekindled, I wouldn’t have written this post. It’ll be okay, Dom. Your biggest obstacle right now is not her moving on, it’s your anxiety. Try to be calm and know that everything will work out for your happiness.
On Fri, Nov 28, 2014 at 1:46 PM, small life, slow life wrote:
>
Thank you Jen,
That means a lot,
Your right my anxiety does get in the way I’ve had big issues with anxiety too I’ve been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, little probs are made big,
I’ve started to work out again, be happy and enjoy my life, we have a son who’s my (our ) world and that And my career,
I’m a tattoo artist and a successful one and that brings me happiness, it just feels I have a piece of the jigsaw missing,
Howdy Jennifer! Swimming is going great. I took a few yoga classes (just like you talked about…talk about inspiration) and did all the things you talk about. Living life. Going out with new friends, playing videos games and just relaxing for a change. Like Lana wrote…”of all the blogs out there” regarding getting your ex back. This one has been by far the most beneficial.
I see almost everything that you talk about in your situation, is in mine. I’ve seen his Facebook and all I see is him smiling and going out and having fun and I’m thinking how…how the hell can you be this happy when sometimes I can barely breathe. But, I go back to reality and I know…Facebook is only what people want you to see. Some of his friends have come back to tell me how hurt he is (even though he is the one that threw me out) and how he’s taking it really hard. I think you know if he would just call me and talk. But, you know what…nothing is there any more and I finally had that same moment when you let it all go. You just say you know what…I can’t worry about you any more. I have to take care of me. And I have. Back in the gym, back at work 100% back at life 100%.
I just had a great date yesterday that unfolded from just a brunch meet up to an 8 hour lets walk the beach and have dinner too, date. I won’t lie…it took me back to my first date with the ex, and wow that was special. But, I’m back in the drivers seat. I don’t think we are getting back together to be honest. There has been a lot of hurt and spite that would be really hard to get over and so for now I will continue to make myself happy. The best thing of all? Is that I know I can love someone with ALL of my heart, love them so intensely and deeply and still…still be able to let go and wish them well and not be bitter about it. Yoga so far has taught me to live in the present. You can’t live in the past it already happened and you can’t live in the future cause it isn’t even here. So here’s to the present. =)
Hey Rick,
I read a great article recently on Instagram life (or Facebook, or whatever) vs. real life. In other words, we’ve all become adept at putting out there that we’re living these super-fun, photo-worthy lives. That’s what your ex is doing too! How powerful would it be if we photographed the mundane everyday stuff? “Taking out the trash #selfie” — haha.
I’m so glad you’re doing yoga! Yoga always makes me feel born anew. Ten minutes in, I’m holding a pose and regretting getting out of bed, and losing my balance because I’m really thinking of all the things that upset me…and then I come out of savasana feeling like a new person. Keep up the yoga. There is something so cleansing about physical activity when dealing with heartbreak.
Dating is good. As long as you’re honest with the other person that you’re in a tender place, I highly recommend it. It helps to be reminded that lots of people would love to spend 8 hours talking with you (that’s a long date, wow)! It helps to restore the self esteem. You may still long for your ex, but that’s totally normal.
You’re doing a wonderful job of swimming. Keep kicking. 🙂
Hi.
ive just read this and its hit me. I’ve heard this said a million ways but your way makes sense.
My problem is that my ex is also the father of my child and he’s already in a new relationship that seems to have started whilst we were meant to be trying to sort our relationship out.
I’m still stuck in the painful crying my life is over stage, boring everyone close to me.
I’ve made plans to do new things and try and look after me an our son but it feels so fake and pointless at the moment.
I struggle to understand how everything we had is gone to him and how he can be away from our son (he does see him a few evenings and 1 day at weekend).
I feel lost and robbed of my life and like it was just given to someone else.
The crying “my life is over” stage is the worst. Because you have to get it out, you have to talk about it over + over. I remember the feeling of my friends being drawn away from me because I couldn’t stop talking about it. And yet, bore them you must. You will get through this.
I can’t understand completely, because I don’t have a child.
I know you wish this never happened. I know you must be afraid of raising your child alone. And even though your ex is in a new relationship, I will tell you this: the new relationship is just a temporary thing for him. And, you can have him back, if you really want him.
But knowing all of this…that he began with someone else when you were sorting things out, that he’s only seeing your son occasionally…let me ask you, at a deep level: do you REALLY want him?
I know you’re heartbroken. But in a year, you won’t be. In a year, you can be with anyone you want — someone stable, who loves your son, who will never go anywhere. You’ll have to do some hard work to get there, but you can and WILL get there.
Knowing that you can have ANYONE by your side that you want…is your ex really the one you would choose?
Sending love.
Jen
Thank you for responding.
You ask a valid question and there are 2 answers. No I don’t want a relationship with the person he has become over the last year or so. But I desperately want the person he was before.
Its hard to know if the person I fell in love with ever really existed or was it a mask until he decided to remove it.
I know I can raise my son on my own if I have to (although have a lot of family and friends to help) but I miss having his dad to share it all with.
My loneliness is the real kick in the gut as I can’t go out after my little boy in bed. And friends and family have their own things to do in the evening.
It’s almost been 3 months since we’ve broken up. We have the same friendship circle at college, and all the same classes. We’re friends but sometimes (a lot of the time) I go home and I’m missing it all. It really is difficult.
I don’t think it’s possible to become lovers, friends then lovers again. I guess I gotta move on.
Hi Elise.
I totally get it. When I was dating C the first time, we introduced his brother to my best friend.
And then they got married.
And then when we broke up, I didn’t have anywhere to live, so naturally…I lived with my best friend for a while. And C’s BROTHER!
Eventually I moved out on my own, but when there were get-togethers like birthdays or Superbowl parties or even just our group of friends going to see a movie, there was always this awkward thing where friends didn’t know whom to invite. I was the best friend, but he was family.
It was hurtful and very difficult. I absolutely understand what you’re going through.
It’s not an easy fix, but you are on a college campus where lots of young people are wanting to meet other young people. Clubs are going on, groups in classes are meeting to study, there’s Friday night at the local bar…why not partake in some of these things?
For me, I worked at lululemon, so I started to form deeper friendships with the people who worked there. I started going to workout classes with them and there’s nothing better for getting over a breakup than physically moving your body. It’s very healing.
I feel for you.
Whether you get back together with him or not, the first step IS to actually move on. In either case, it’s the same. You must get over the pain and get over HIM before you can revisit a new relationship with him. I have some tips for getting over an ex in another blog post.
I understand just where you are. ❤ I'm here.
Jen
Hey Jen.
Thanks for replying ❤
This semester has been torture. We had the same classes with our friends. And I don't think we had enough time to be apart. I've noticed him flirting with this girl in our class, and acting all like he used to when we were together and it's gotten really difficult. I changed my timetable for next year so I'd see him as less as possible whilst keeping my friends within reach.
Did you delete C off of Facebook? I still have one class with my ex next year and I'm so sure we're going to be in the same group for a class project in one subject like we always do with our friends. I have his sister, and his sister's friend on Facebook. I'm not sure whether or not to delete him.
Gahhhhhhhh
– Elise
I waited about one month and then deleted him. It was the best decision. He wasn’t my friend in the past, and he most certainly wasn’t my friend when we broke up – so deleting him was a no-brainer for me. I think you’re doing the right thing by limiting your chances to interact. It’ll make you feel much better.
Hey. I’m glad I found this. I’ve been holding on & pining for so long now. It’s been a year since the break up. Thank you. You have inspired me to get myself back.
Lauren, I’m so glad. A year is a long time, and you deserve to be happy! All it takes is the pivotal moment of choice where you decide that being sad just isn’t going to work anymore. I believe in you!
Thank you. I love your site. It’s been really difficult for me. Every time I tell myself I need to move on I don’t. We dated for almost a decade & were friends before. The worst part is he did come back and seemed interested but I now know it’s just him messing with me I guess. I keep reading this to force myself to focus on me. So again thank you.
This article really helped me. I spilt up with my partner 2 months ago. I am still desperately hoping we’ll work it out, but learning to accept that even if we don’t, i’ll be alright again 🙂 Really happy you and C worked out Jennifer xx
You will absolutely be alright! So glad it helped and I totally understand — I was a royal mess around the 2-month mark! Be gentle with yourself + trust that the healing WILL occur. 🙂 xoxo
Hi Jennifer 🙂
A big THANK YOU for this blog, I loved reading it and your posts fill me with hope! I am badly in need of advice right now and I hope you reply! (I’m sorry if the post is too long!)
I’d been in a relationship with my ex for about three years, we were the best of friends before that for about a year. Things were not perfect, but we loved each other like crazy and the little fights, imperfections never mattered, we always readily forgave. Early this year, for a couple of months, I became very depressed (i am an anxious person by nature) coz i had given up on all my initial career plans for my ex and started on a new path that he suggested I take up (even though I didnt really want it) so we could be together (we were mostly long-distance), and unfortunately, that didn’t work out at all! So, I slipped into depression, was consumed by guilt and shame, I felt worthless coz I had everything riding on that career decision, my parents were disappointed and I started to voice my doubts about our relationship as my parents would never agree to my marriage with him until I had a stable career (We’re a very conservative society). So, i was clueless for a couple of months, and when I was finally beginning to come around, he dumped me saying he’d simply fallen out of love. I was devastated, a crying wreck. He wanted to be friends and he’d call everyday saying he missed me but didn’t want a relationship. He had me confused.
About a month later, he told me he was in love with and dating this other girl he used to bitch/talk about to me during the months before and after our breakup. She used to hit on him, he said. Anyway, I was shocked beyond measure, I went crazy calling him and texting him until he blocked me saying his new girlfriend does not like it. I knew I was wrong, but argh, what can you do about the withdrawal symptoms!! Anyway, I sobered down, didn’t bother him much, stopped calling. And one day, his girlfriend called me up from his phone and gave me such a yelling asking me to back off and humiliated me, said he wasn’t my friend anymore, said I was an inconvenience 😥 and she was really rude and mean….And I couldn’t even retaliate, I was very polite and nice to her….but she wouldn’t stop. Later that night, my ex called me like ten times asking to speak with me, but I had nothing to say to him, I was broken ;'( So I didn’t respond. A few days back, a mutual friend told me that my ex did not know she had called me, she had taken his phone and called without his knowledge. But, it didn’t make a difference to me if he was still with her. This was about a month back and he hasn’t made any contact and I too have maintained no-contact ever since. But I have panic attacks almost everyday and I cannot stop thinking about him.
I had always forgiven him in the past, done things that I never wanted to do, changed the direction my my life for his sake, loved unconditionally and he was an amazing boyfriend too, the best! I feel bad that he left me coz I got all depressed for while, trying to get back on track in life and make it work for us. But mostly, I feel bad I lost a best friend, especially after the other girl called me n stuff. All my friends have advised me to never speak to him again in my lifetime coz he does not deserve me and they say I have been too nice to him. But I cannot stop hoping for us to get back together….I am trying extremely hard to let go. 😦 Reading your post gives me hope but I might just be holding on to the wrong thing), I don’t know…I’m lost, what should I do?
Hi!
I went and made your comment anonymous, so don’t worry. 🙂
Firstly, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. It sounds heart-wrenching, all of it…from the failed career switch to his leaving, to his (what sounds like) horrible girlfriend calling you.
I invite you to consider, though, that all has unfolded absolutely perfectly and while it doesn’t make sense now, that it 100% will, later. Maybe even sooner than you think.
I think he did know she called you. I think that’s why he was desperate to speak to you. And that’s good news, because there’s a part of him who still wants to protect you, who feels hurt when you feel hurt.
He may have said he’s in love with this girl, but that will not last long at all if she’s an insecure wreck who takes his phone when he doesn’t know and calls his ex and berates her. Karma will take care of that relationship in the end, my dear. I can promise you.
Here’s my advice:
– Don’t contact him. Not because he doesn’t deserve you or whatever, but because you actually want him to feel guilty about what happened in this case. Human beings are startlingly predictable. You want him to not forget that his girlfriend has done you this wrong, because it’s a guarantee that in the future, he will come seeking your forgiveness. And you actually want to delay the moment that he does seek forgiveness. The further in the future, the better. Because A) You want him to be broken up with her already when he does it, B) If he’s not broken up with her yet, you want enough time to have passed for him to realize how good the two of you were and how bad his current situation his, and C) The longer someone feels guilty, the better the relief feels when the apology finally takes place. It will bring you back together, essentially.
– In the meantime, you have a lot of work to do. You’ve got to clean up whatever failure happened with your career switch and get back to doing something you love. You also need to fill your mind with positive thoughts and do activities that make you happy at an essential level. You need to love your own company and return to the happy, healthy person you were before. This is going to require a lot of work because after three years, he became a permanent part of your life and you’re going to have to completely let him go for now. You’ll see me repeating this in every blog post and in every comment I get: The old relationship with him must die completely before a new one can begin. So accept that he’s gone and really let him go. If he does come back, that’s Future Jane’s problem. 🙂
– He didn’t fall out of love with you. You fell out of love with you. It was the same thing that happened to C and me. Our relationship was just as amazing as yours was, and our breakup just as devastating, and our period after the breakup looked, on the surface, just as impossible to reconcile as yours does. But I’ll tell you this, and I see it every.single.time.: When I fell back in love with myself, he did too. We weren’t even speaking to one another; you don’t HAVE to be speaking to one another. Make your first and absolute priority the restoration of your relationship with YOU. You’ll be amazed with what happens.
I wish you the best of luck. You seem SO sweet; I know everything is going to be okay for you…I can feel it!
Love,
Jen
Hi Jen,
Thank you for the awesome response you left anonymous above. I’m so grateful there is someone in the world like you that provides such thoughtful and wise advice! I’m turning 30 this year and still struggling with being left after a 5 year relationship. I keep hoping he will come back or at least apologize since we were friends long before ever being together. Whenever I really get down on myself, I come here and read your responses to others and follow your advice. It really helps.
So again thanks for taking the time for advice for all of us on here- I can only speak for myself, but I’m sure everyone here appreciates you as much as I do!
You’re one awesome chica!
Love,
Nicole
Nicole,
You are too sweet! Thank you for such a kind comment. The truth is that I only give advice on here because I remember how miserable I was when C and I were broken up for MONTHS. I really thought I’d never be happy ever again. I wish I knew then what I know now and I hope anything I say provides even a tiny bit of relief from that gnawing, awful pain that can linger around after a breakup!
If you had a five-year relationship and were friends first, you absolutely will talk again. I promise. There is not one ex that I have (and I have a LOT of exes, haha) that I didn’t eventually create closure with. It often just comes later than you expect it to. But I made peace with all of them, even the crazy ones. 😉 You’ll speak again when the time is right — I promise. Humans seek closure because guilt rarely fades over time — it actually often increases.
I am here if you ever need a sympathetic ear. ❤
Thank you again for the sweetest note — it totally made my day!
Love, Jen
Dear Jen,
This is probably the BEST advice I have ever received in the past four months. I have spent every single day after the breakup reading up online, I’d have read about a hundred blogs till now, but there was something so genuine about yours that drove me to post my worries and I do not regret it! You nailed it Jen! I fell out of love with myself! This is an eye-opener for me. 🙂
It’s been a month now and he hasn’t contacted me. I cut contact with all our mutual friends too and blocked him on all social media. Even though it’s a violent struggle, I am going to stick to my decision of not initiating contact until he does. Coz I actually have nothing good to say to him anyway. I am gonna try and do exactly what you said i.e. work on myself. Hopefully, someday, I will stop expecting his call. More than losing a boyfriend, it’s having my one best friend betray me that is super painful. 😦 He had categorically told me that he would never come back and he had fallen out of love etc. It’s weird but honestly, I wouldn’t have minded as much if was seeing any other girl, but not the one he is currently seeing! Ever since she entered the picture and he became distant, I was deeply disturbed, she didn’t sound like a nice person and her calling me up just sealed that. But, I console myself thinking karma will come to bite them back hahahah! I can’t explain just how happy I was reading your reply! 🙂
Jen, you are a gem of a person, I wish I’d come across your blog earlier. It’s people like you, who take the time out to reply to lost souls like us, that truly make the world go round. I read your reply several times a day coz it fills me with positive energy and gives me hope. I can’t thank you enough!:):) I wish you and C all the peace and happiness in the world! God Bless you both!
Sincerely,
Jane
Awww — you’re the BEST! Seriously, that’s so touching. I’m nothing special (I promise), just a normal girl who knows what it feels like! But THANK YOU. ❤ ❤ ❤
Blocking him on social media was a great idea. You don't want to see what photos he's tagged in anyway. And you definitely don't want him knowing what you're up to. All of the breakup advice stuff always tells you to block contact for one to three months. There's a reason! Human beings by nature remember the best in people…over time the bad memories fade. So even if it was really awful at the end, you need that time and space for both of you to forget the way it ended.
It really is the betrayal of the friendship that hurts the worst. I remember feeling that when C and I were apart. Like, that he didn't even check on me. Wasn't he worried? Wouldn't your friend check on you if something bad happened between you? (I've since asked him those questions, but you get it.) It's the worst feeling, and so painful. And when the two of you DO talk, you'll have to address that. But that's a whole different advice column!
Yeah…no. It's not going to be good between your ex and this girl. If she's brazen enough to take his phone and call his ex and lie to him about it, imagine what being in an actual relationship with her is like. Not good.
You are such a sweetheart and you're doing all of the right things. This pain WILL lift, even sooner than you think. I'm sorry this happened to you but in time, it will become clear why it did. Most importantly, you will be happy, and you deserve to be. Day by day. ❤
Wow!! I really needed to read this!!!
What other advice can you give?
Hahaha — what other advice are you seeking? 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
This is a beautiful post. I have read it over and over again – just over the past few days. I’ve read heaps online but this post, something about the absolute honesty and certainty that you project, I found extremely comforting.
My bf broke up with me a month ago saying that he loves me but he doesn’t know if he’s in love with me. This came after I had hurt him – he asked me to move in with him. I agreed and then I changed my mind (sort of) and then I asked for space. My brain was in a massive mess and i had so much going on. When I asked for space, he took it as rejection. When I said I’m not ready to move in with him, he said he felt like I didn’t trust him to take care of me and love me.
A few days after the break up he texted me to tell me how i’m the most amazing girl and he can never do better but that he’s confused about what he wants in life. A lot of this had to do with work stresses – he had just changed jobs and the pressure was getting to him.
I tried not to speak to him but he kept texting me. Finally I asked him why he hasn’t come to see me – he said it he felt guilty and useless. I was hurt and disappointed but I wasn’t angry – I knew I had made mistakes too. I told him that I still love him and want to make things work and that if space is what he needs then space is what i’m giving him because I love him.
We had gaps between us speaking. We went for almost a week without talking and then chatting a bit. It felt awkward and strained. I saw him once and we didn’t speak about us – we just spent time together. I could see the pain and hurt in his eyes. He was like a zombie. I realized he probably doesn’t love me and decided to let go. He still kept texting on/off and my friends kept saying “he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too” but I knew him better than that. He’d feel far too guilty for leading me on.
I guess all I can say is that it was a gut feeling.
One day we decided to meet again and while I was on my way there he told me that he had received some bad news and didn’t want to see anyone. I got really angry and lashed out at him. He got angry and said I was not being supportive and that he never wants to see me again. I was acting out of character and apologized. He didn’t answer. I parked my car and spoke to my dad. I think I realized its finally over now. So as my dad said “just drive up there and apologize and leave. You have absolutely nothing to lose”. And I did it. I was praying and shivering. Knowing for sure that I was going to get the door slammed in my face.
Went there….knocked on the door and got a cold reaction. I stood in a corner away from him and apologized for not being supportive of the bad news he received. And then I told him that from the day I decided to love him I promised myself that I will never let him be alone or feel alone. That I would be there for him through thick and thin. I know that he’ll probably never want to see me again but that’s fine – i’ve made my peace with that. But that when we were in love, I was there for him a 100%. I grabbed my keys to leave. I asked him if he wanted a hug. He said no. Then I said “can I give you a hug” and he said “if you want” and then he held me for a good 8 minutes and he looked at me and said “go get your bag….I want you to stay!!” Ummm what??? He kissed me and asked me to stay. I went and sat on the couch fully in shock and fully shivering wondering what on earth was going on.
And from that point onwards….everything changed. He went back to being his usual self. he held me and cuddled me and kissed me like everything was fine. I couldn’t understand the psychology behind it because I was almost certain I was going to get kicked out.
Was it the vulnerability ? Was it that I was finally showing him my feminine side instead of being strong??
He told me about a job interview that he has and a few days later he got the job. I was being supportive throughout the entire thing.
Its only been a few days since this happened. I hope he feels like I have given him enough space. And I truly have. We still haven’t talked about what is happening but he asked if he could take me for dinner this week to celebrate the new job.
In the last month, I have realized the mistakes that I have made and how I can be a better partner as well. I tried doing the whole no contact rule but as hard as it is, its not what my heart and my gut told me to do.
I guess my question to you is, now what? How do I try not to screw this up again?
Thank you again for your insightful blog and for sharing your personal experiences with your readers. Its a blessing.
Hi Jaime!
Thank you so much and I’m so glad it helped. ❤
Hmm. Complicated situation on your hands. I would say I think you need to have the DTR ("Define the Relationship") talk quickly to determine what you're both wanting from one another right now, but I'm concerned you could scare him off. He's a bit of a flight risk at the moment.
My gut tells me that he was moved by emotion when you hugged him, which led to him asking you to stay, but that he might pull away again soon. It isn't that he doesn't love you; it's that he doesn't have proper coping skills to deal with his emotions when he gets hurt or overwhelmed. I get an unstable vibe from him, but I need more information before I can say for sure.
I have some more questions —
1. How long after you declined to move in with him / needed space did he tell you he wasn't sure if he was in love with you?
2. What prompted you to ask for space? Why was your head a mess?
3. How old are the two of you?
4. How long have you been together?
5. How stable was your relationship (arguments, etc) during the time you were together?
Answer me those questions and I'll do my best to help you!
Love,
Jen
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate you wanting to help me.
I have to admit, as much as I want to have a DTR, I feel like it would be too pushy. He’s slowly reaching out to me over text but we’re not speaking about our relationship at all besides casual flirting.
1. He asked for space about a week or two after. Its a long story. He went away to Mexico on a surf trip for 5 weeks before that. It was a trip he had planned before he met me. He went during an awful time. My flatmate/best friend left to move to another country, he left and a close friend died all in one go. He wanted to leave the trip and come here to be with me but I said “no” because I didn’t want to be selfish. When he came back from the trip, I was a big ball of negative and he was a big ball of positive. And I was resentful and angry at the world. Took it out on him. He was trying so hard to plan my move. I freaked out. I had all these weird emotions going through my head (you’ll soon find out why…!!) so I asked for space. After two days he texted me and asked if we were still together and I said “of course we are” and we were ok. Then we had a huge fight the following week and he said he wants space. I didn’t give it to him because i thought he was being “tit for tat” and then we made up and he said he feels disconnected from me except when we have sex and that I always seem sad (again you’ll find out soon why). Two weeks later, we were trying to sort things out and I brought up the topic of me moving again and the next day he broke up with me (I prolly handled a make or break situation badly).
2. What prompted me to ask for space – the above answers a fair bit of it too. But there was something wrong – really wrong. My brain was behaving in the most craziest ways. On the day he broke up with me, I also found out that I was pregnant!! There you go – crazy baby brain led to most of this. I miscarried a week later. I told him about it. We were going to talk about what we were going to do but I was too heartbroken so I decided to give it a week before I make a decision but it was too late by then anyway. He was trying to be supportive but we said a lot of hurtful things to each other that I couldn’t erase from my head within that week.
3. He’s 34, I’m 28. I’m quite mature (and immature for my age) – i’ve lived in a foreign country away from my family for 10 years now. And that independence makes it hard for me to get close to someone but i’m trying really hard to break that bad habit.
4. We’ve been together since last Nov. About 5-6 months of it was long distance where we see each other only every 10 days. And now he and I live 1.5hrs away from each other and was seeing each other twice a week.
5. How stable – that’s a hard question to answer. When we were good, we were really good. When we were bad, it was bad for about a day. He is very hard on himself. After we met, he decided to stop flying away for work to make our relationship work and wanted to stay in one place. The change in jobs and environment affected him a fair bit too.
Hope that helps 🙂 Thanks again xx
Well, yes, it’s completely natural that pregnancy hormones made your emotions swing all over the place. All of the job changes likely weren’t easy to navigate either.
I’ve read all the details of this and I guess my main question to you is — is he really the person you envision spending the rest of your life with? Because if he’s not, is all of this really worth it? But if he is, you guys have a LOT of work to do. You both relate to each other with all of this hesitancy and these very complicated walls up. I don’t doubt that you love each other, but you both have some intimacy issues that you’re going to have to learn to eliminate. If you don’t, this will not work, whether you have the DTR or not.
The DTR, and all those things between you that you’re NOT saying, are going to come up eventually. You came to me because you wanted to know how to not get it wrong again. But if you can’t even tell him what’s really on your mind, or get the nature of your relationship out in the open, how can you expect to get it right?
I asked how old you are because the details of this situation make you both sound REALLY young. I honestly thought you both were in your early twenties. It sounds like you both have some issues from the past to clean up before you can truly and freely be together. It might be a rocky road for you — I know you don’t want to hear that, but that’s just what I’m sensing.
You know, C and I dated like, six times. We tried when we were 24, 26, 28, 30…and it always went a little something like the way you’re describing. We’d be great, and then one of us would freak out and pull away, and in response the other one would freak out or refuse to back down, etc. We were always breaking up, it was always a nightmare, friends did not get why we kept trying to be together.
Sometimes the love is honestly there but it’s just the wrong time. Even though you’re 28, you may not yet be “old” enough to maintain a stable relationship with him. Think of your love as a glass of wine. Now think of balancing that glass of wine on the back of your hand in mid-air. Tough, but you could do it, right? But now add his hand below yours. Your hand is on top of the back of his hand, and the glass of wine is on top of that. This is what you two are doing: every time you feel his hand jerking a little, you’re either refusing to move with him to keep the wine stable (so the wine glass then falls and crashes) or you’re assuming he’s going to move, and so you jerk your hand in anticipation, and so the wine glass falls and crashes.
Until the two of you can learn to hold your hands steady, together, no matter what the other one is doing, that wine glass is going to crash!
C and I eventually learned how to be stable. It wasn’t easy. We had to be old enough, and we had to be sure we BOTH wanted the same thing from the relationship. And sure, sometimes I still got scared that he was pulling away, but I learned to tell myself, “Oh that’s just him doing what he does; he’ll be back.” Or sometimes I went on a tirade or got insecure or needy, and he learned to say to himself, “Okay, that’s just Jen being Jen. She just needs a bit of breathing room and she’ll be fine.” It took YEARS (eight years!), but we finally learned how to stay stable, together. So while I foresee a tough road in your future with him, I’m definitely NOT saying it’s impossible.
I often find that when one partner asks for space, space is the OPPOSITE of what they really want. So until you can learn to say, “Hey, I was pregnant and lost the baby and suddenly moving in with you seemed SUPER overwhelming, and I asked for space but what I REALLY wanted was for you to comfort me,” you’re going to have a tough road.
It might not work with your man this time. But what I CAN tell you is that you’ll get closer to it working, every time — with him or with your next partner. Every time, you’ll get better at balancing that wine glass. And if it turns out that he can’t keep his hand stable enough to hold it together with you, then you STILL have to keep working on YOUR stability, because eventually you will find someone whose hand is stable enough. And when you do, you’ll want to make sure that alllllllll your past issues — all that crap that keeps you from being truly intimate, all that stuff that makes you jerk your hand — is out of the way.
I would look up the statistics on couples who get through miscarriages too — it is VERY difficult if not impossible without therapy or the couple being EXTREMELY committed to getting through it together. Even marriages dissolve because of that. So be gentle with yourself; you went through something incredibly traumatic! And he might not be able to understand that fully.
I hope this helped and I’m sorry if it wasn’t all that you wanted to hear. Keep me updated and I truly hope you two can create a clean slate together. ❤
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for what you wrote. I was amazed at what you said.
I have got a lot of advice from a lot of ppl – women and men my age, ppl older and from different walks of life. And what you wrote made the most sense to me and that’s probably why I enjoyed your original post to begin with.
To answer the most important question that you asked – “is he really the person you envision spending the rest of your life with?” – the simple answer is “yes” he is. He is the only man that I have ever wanted to have children with. I respect him. And most importantly, I love his heart. We both have made mistakes but we’re only human. I genuinely love his heart and I can feel its purity and even my dog can feel the purity of his heart – call me crazy, but I think you know what I mean.
The biggest problem I had in this relationship was making myself vulnerable because I truly found myself falling in love. He said “I love you” 2 months into the relationship and I genuinely felt it. He and I loved taking care of each other and being there for each other. Somewhere down the line, I decided to pull away because I was amazed at the amount of love I was feeling for this man and I was afraid. A lot of this has to do with the fact that before I met him, I lived with my previous partner and there was a lot of emotional abuse. I felt abandoned by him and he guilted me into staying with him. When I left, it was very hard for me to start my life back again but I did it, with flying colours, and I have my friends and my dog to thank for that.
We are both childish in nature and I guess we feel like two fools in love. At the moment, I want to be there for him and be supportive of him. I want him to know that I’m there for him through thick and thin.
Getting him to open up is my biggest struggle atm because I can see how withdrawn he has become since I hurt him. When I decided to not move in with him (and it was moving to another city), he told me that he felt like I didn’t trust him enough to love me and protect me. It really had nothing to do with him. It was to do with me wondering what my plan b,c,d etc. would be he things fell apart.
I now am following my heart and leading with that. The best thing I can do is be true to myself and put my best foot forward because I do not want to live in regret. He is worth it and our love is worth it. I could be completely wrong but at least this way, I know that I have tried.
I am really scared. I am terrified of making myself vulnerable. But at the end of the day, if I don’t do it now, then when will I ever do it right?
I want to be that steady hand for us so that I can prove to myself, as well, that I am capable of being stable. I too use to be a flight risk. I need to trust myself. And the best way to earn someone’s trust…..is to trust them.
Well Jaime, I’ll tell you this:
If you know deeply that he’s the person you want your life and children with, be at ease, because you won’t be able to truly lose him. That’s why I placed the I Ching quote in the blog — no matter how many times I ran from C or he bolted from me, no matter how truly disastrous the situation looked, we were never able to lose one another. Time always brought us back, somehow. Forgiveness always occurred. So take comfort in knowing that — your gut feelings don’t lie. You will have to make yourself vulnerable eventually, but you can just do it slowly, little by little. And if you know he’s the person, then there’s really no rush to have a “define the relationship” moment right now. Just know that he is yours, and time will make it inevitable. ❤
Hi Jen,
I really appreciate your advice and I know you’re not trying to be hurtful.
The reason i believed him when he said he wanted a family etc. was because I know he truly meant it. When we first met and he told me abt his daughter, i told him categorically that i don’t know if i want to have kids and that I’m not a vessel to correct his mistakes- he appreciated my honesty. Later in the year we both decided together that we wanted children. He was the first to bring it up- even about moving in with him.
He hasn’t seen his daughter in 3 years but he’s constantly in touch with her- he skypes with her onces a week and financially supports in some form. So its not like he’s only trying 3 years later tbh.
Something you said struck me- that i run away, heal and come back. Well this is exactly what he does. I guess we are both runners. We both probably both need to feel more stable apart and together to have faith that the other person “comes back”.
I really am happy to move on from the pain that we have both been through. But I do genuinely hope we find our way back to each other.
You’re still analyzing him way too much. I really do wish you speedy healing. Be good to yourself.
I smiled when I read that comment. You are a lovely person and I’m sure people have said this to you before – you have a sixth sense that helps guide your heart. I am happy you’re using it to help people.
I think within the next few days I will know where I stand. I will keep you posted 🙂
Hey Jen,
He was meant to come see me midwk but has got caught up with work and said he’ll come on Friday night. I know its only over text, but he sounds only semi-keen. This makes me very apprehensive because he’s the type of person to just not do something if he doesn’t want to. He’s been driving a lot for work and coming to me would mean another 1.5hrs of driving. So I texted him and offered to come up to him since he’s starting a new job on Monday and needs rest too. To which he replied “chat after work :)”. I keep remembering the ill-fated text where he told me that he doesn’t feel it anymore and wants to end things. I keep expecting it 😦 and it makes me feel very very sad and anxious “(
You’re jerking your hand under the wine glass. Stay calm. Trust that he is inevitably yours. You’ve GOT to learn to stay calm when the room starts to shake. ❤️
phew ok….stay calm!! stay calm!! I will stay calm!!!!
Thanks Jen 😀
The way to keep him calm and wanting to be near you is for you to stay calm. The way to attract him nearer is to be authentically positive and unshakeable. Think of a small bird landing on someone’s shoulder. The bird has to sense that it’s a safe, nurturing place. Your partner is the bird here.
You have to learn to master your energy. Faking being calm won’t work — he’ll sense your anxiety.
I wouldn’t have offered to drive out to him. Here’s why: men pursue, and you need to allow yourself to be pursued. If he’s having doubts, you offering to make the drive to him doesn’t squelch the doubts. What increases your value as a partner is that you’re fine with or without him. It increases your value if he senses that you’d like him around, but you don’t need him.
So if he said to me, “Hey, I’m swamped with work and can’t make it,” I’d say, “Sorry to hear that, hope it calms down.” And that’s it. I wouldn’t consider how much rest he needs, I wouldn’t ask to reschedule, I definitely wouldn’t offer to drive to him. If a man retreats into a cave, I don’t follow him in.
Think about when you were newly in love. Did it ever matter if you were swamped with work? Nope. If he has doubts and he pulls away, that is HIS problem to solve. Not yours.
You also have to learn that the most important relationship you have in your life is with you. Right now, if you lose him, you’re losing everything. That’s why it gives you so much anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong — I’d obviously be devastated if I lost C, and a lot of grieving would take place. But it would look a LOT different now than when we broke up in 2012. When I lost him then, I lost everything — my love, my self esteem, my future.
Now, if I lose him, I’ll lose my partner, but I will STILL have my love, my self esteem, and my future. My mission is to heal others through writing, and to teach people to turn tragedy into triumph. I would hate losing C. But that doesn’t change my mission. I gotta do it, with or without him. Since realigning my priorities, we’ve finally become stable and happy, after five previous failed relationships.
Does that make sense? You’re so nervous about losing him. It means that your priorities need to shift — right now, he’s TOO important, and you’re not important enough.
Hey Jen,
Thanks for the reply. I totally get it – I really understand what you’re saying. There are a few reasons why i’m feeling anxious – one of the main factors being the guilt I felt for the mistakes that I made in our relationship.
I saw him on Friday night. He was extremely grateful that I drove up to him because I know how exhausted he would be but he did say he would have been happy to drive to me as well. We had a lovely time on Friday night – it was a bit awkward but we did manage to enjoy ourselves.
On Saturday, I asked him “are we cool?” – and he said yes we are. I went on to ask him if he knows where we stand – and he said “i don’t have answers for you atm. I’m trying to get my life in order and I haven’t had the capacity to think about us”.
He seemed a bit angry with me but I didn’t shout or scream. I apologized for bringing up the subject and left to go home.
When I came home, I thought about it and I realized I still felt quite hurt after everything that has happened. And I didn’t feel like I wanted to be around him after all the hurt and pain we’ve been through.
Then I decided – i’m going to pull away. I’m going to make him miss me etc. Do the whole no contact rule etc. And then I realized what I was doing….I was jerking my hand again. I didn’t get the reaction that I wanted from him so I decided to go all bratty. I was jerking my hand and the wine glass was falling.
I found myself looking down two pathways – one where I was looking down towards either being the steady hand and showing him support during this difficult time that he’s going through. And the other, where I pull away and push him away and hope for some outcome.
And like you said before, “….if you know he’s the person, then there’s really no rush to have a “define the relationship” moment right now.”
How am I meant to protect my heart AND be supportive of him and not get my heart broken?
1. It’s great that you’re recognizing when you’re about to drop the glass. Truly. That is a huge, huge, important step.
2. That said, you deserve a certain amount of respect and so does your time. So when he said, “I haven’t had the capacity to think about us,” I would have said, “Well, then call me when you do have the capacity, because I don’t do casual. Until then, be happy, because that’s how I like you best.”
And then I would have walked out.
Do you see there’s a difference between being bratty and playing a game versus just having some boundaries and demanding respect?
Hi Jen,
I really appreciate your input.
I think he knows that I don’t do casual. I think he’s at war with himself and truly doesn’t want to lead me on.
Something I forgot to mention to you is that he has a child from a previous relationship – she’s 4 years old and lives in another country. At the start, he moved there to try and make things work but it didn’t work out. He moved back in 3 months. He still has close contact with his daughter and financially support her. He’s on good terms with the mother and has continuously told me that he has no feelings for her besides mutual respect and I believe him because he is an extremely loyal man. I was afraid that out of guilt, he may have decided to give it another go, but I truly believe that isn’t the case.
Yesterday, his sister called me to talk to me about him. She told me how much she appreciates the support that I’m giving him and that I’m the best thing that has happened in his life. She said I’m the only woman to have ever believed in him and fight for him.
He vaguely texted me last night asking for some info – I think he’s trying to keep the line of communication open. I told him that I was busy and will text him later, which I did, to answer his question.
I don’t know where the boundaries are and I don’t know what’s right or wrong atm 😦
I think you need to stop considering his circumstances. His new job, his commute, his daughter.
Being considerate isn’t going to get you closer to what you want. When does he consider you?
I know 😦 but its hard because I feel like I’m being selfish. When things were good between us, he considered me on so many occasions and I really appreciated that. I guess I feel like its a skill of paying forward 😦
Hi Jen,
Hope you’re keeping well.
Throughout this week he has texted me sporadically asking me little questions here and there but we never talk about us. He started his new job on Wednesday and he seemed really happy after that. On Thursday he asked me if we can see each other because he’s working on Saturday. I agreed and we spent quality time together. It was really nice to see him happy again. I think changing work made a huge difference to him.
I told him that I’m going back home for a couple of weeks in 10 days. He offered to keep the dog while I’m away. I didn’t even ask. He offered. I asked him if he’s sure and he said “yes”. In my books, that’s a step in the right direction.
Jen, I really want to ask him “what would you like me to do to get close to you?” but I can’t. And at the same time, I know I shouldn’t have the DTR conversation with him because like you said before to “trust that he is inevitably yours”. Its just really hard 😦
Keep working on mastering your own energy and filling your time with things that satisfy you so that you are able to be happy, with or without him. As soon as he doesn’t feel that you’re anxious and needy, things will greatly improve and he will initiate the DTR conversation with you on his own.
Hi Jen,
Hope you are well. Its been a while so I thought I’d give you an update.
As mentioned in my last comment, I went away for two weeks (back to my home country) and before I left, he asked if he could keep the dog.
Before I left, I made him a small gift where I wrote little short notes (memories of our relationship) and put them in a box and numbered them for each day that I am away.
When I was away, he didn’t mention the gift. Eventually when I asked him about it he said he appreciates the effort but felt like I was emotionally too full on and too in depth!! I got quite angry and hurt by that so I ignored him for a day or two. He continued to send me clips and pictures of the pup playing and doing naughty things. From that day onwards, I decided to take a massive step back. I didn’t initiate texting or anything. A few days later, he went away on a soccer trip and got super drunk and called me. Now usually I don’t take drunk calling seriously but with this boy, he’s probably at his most honest when he’s drunk. He had lost his wallet (the one that I got him which has my picture inside) and he was a mess. He continued on to tell me that he loves me and misses me and wishes he could be here with me etc. and he feels like he’s emotionally screwed up. But something later texted me triggered something off in me. He said “I’m not in touch with my emotions as much as you are” to which I said “I don’t expect the same from you so don’t beat yourself up about it” to which he said “its hard not to with how in depth you are, I feel like I have nothing to give”.
I was raised in a very loving family, so giving unconditional love comes quite easily to me. I didn’t realize that this couldn’t be overwhelming to some ppl for lots of reasons – fear of not being able to give back and fear of losing it, I guess.
After that we never spoke about the drunk call or the conversation we had. I took a massive step back with my approach towards him. He continued to send me pics of the pup and he seemed a little bit more easy going. On days where he seemed a bit short, I kept the texts short and signed off early. The conversations were mostly abt the pup. There were some days where he didn’t even text me. Eventually mid last week he asked me if I could get him a similar wallet and that he’d pay me back for it. I offered to get it for him because I know he’d do the same for me if I had lost something he had got me. Closer to my day of arrival, he seemed more laid back. I was still being a bit “expensive” so to say.
He’s keeping the pup for another wk because I have to go away for work, So I visited on Monday when I got back. He seemed happy to see me. The pup seems to have really made herself at home at his place. I stayed the whole day on Tuesday and was home when he came home from work. He looked happy to see me when he came back from work.
We didn’t speak about us at all. And that is what I have decided – to take a massive step back and not emotionally bombard him and like you’ve said to me before, if I know he’s the one, then there’s no reason for me to bring up the DTR now.
I have noticed that he mentioned me to his friends on the phone and everyone knew that he was minding my dog for me. If he didn’t want to be with me, I doubt he’d be making such an effort and sharing it with his mates.
I guess I miss the way we used to be – the old version of him. The intimacy. The closeness. It just seems different now. And I know he misses it too because he told me so.
I really hope he and I can spend Xmas and New Years together.
Any thoughts Jen?
Hi Jen,
Its me again! I need some advice. I shook my hand again 😦
After I came back from overseas, things improved….slowly. He was opening up to me more but he was still not being as affectionate.
But we were making plans – to go to soccer matches next year etc.
Last week, i found out that he’s going to Sweden for Xmas to see his daughter. I even suggested this a month ago. I know he hid it from me because he would feel like he’s letting me down. I found out by mistake. He still doesn’t know that I know. That same night, I found out that my parents won’t be able to come for xmas either – so I felt really sad and started crying. I let my emotions get in the way. He asked me what was wrong, I told him and he got distant.
The next day, he texted me to tell me that he feels confused and doesn’t know if he can give me what he deserves and feels guilty for being happy because he’s left his daughter behind etc. etc. He said we should end things and that I deserve better. I was quite angry and told him that i’m sick of the way i’m being treated and that he’s being an idiot and if he decides to grow up, to let me know.
Later when I spoke to a friend, he asked me why I constantly push him away. I didn’t realize that that was what I was doing. I texted and apologized to him for calling him an idiot but I he hasn’t contacted me and I don’t think I will hear from him anytime soon.
He tends to do this when he feels pressured – freak out and bolt.
I think the best I can do now is give him time and space. I truly believe that when he sees his little girl, he will calm himself down and realize that he CAN be a father AND have a life.
What makes me sad is that when I met him, he told me he wanted to have a family with me and have children with me (if anything, I was the one who was reluctant). He made up his mind that he wanted to be happy too. Instead of this constant guilt. He hasn’t seen his daughter in 3 years and I believe that he’s built up a lot of nonsense in his head because of it. This was the same guy, one month ago, who was calling me while I was overseas and professing his love for me.
I think the best thing right now is space for both of us.
Thoughts?
Space — yes, a lot of it. I don’t feel like this man is going to end up as your partner. Something just isn’t right. But if there is a chance of that, it can only come after these longstanding patterns between you have been broken. I think you need six months of space…maybe more. And the person who needs to change during the time apart isn’t him, it’s you.
Bitter pill to swallow but I know that you’re right 😦
I don’t mean it to be hurtful. But if you go and read every comment you’ve written me, you’ll see all the times you’ve jerked your hand, and then apologized for doing so, and then all the times you’ve stepped back…to then leaving him notes from things you loved about your relationship. I think this guy is unstable on his own, and you’ve been anything BUT stable in your interactions with him. I personally think you’re not suited for one another. You need someone who will see when you get scared and rather than becoming distant, will become very patient with you and learn to accept that you become afraid, run, and then return. This guy is not that guy. This guy only likes you when you’re happy. And you’re so busy analyzing all of his “complex” behavior (I put it in quotation marks because it’s not complex at all) that you haven’t noticed this about him yet.
He hasn’t seen his daughter in three years. Who knows how much she needed him during that time. Why would you take it seriously when he said he wanted a family with you? He’s failing the family he already has. Sure, he’s making amends now to repair it, but it’s THREE YEARS LATER. When people show you who they are, believe them. When he can only be open about his feelings when he’s drunk, that is a major problem.
You need some time on your own to build up your self esteem and really learn how to master your energy. And I hope in that time that you meet someone who is loyal and caring like you are. I’m not saying this guy is a bad guy. He’s just not YOUR guy.
A woman said to me once, upon overhearing me complain about a boyfriend, “Leave him. If it’s wrong, there’s nothing you can do to get it right. If it’s right, there’s nothing you can do to fuck it up.” That was sixteen years ago and I’ve never forgotten it.
Dear jen,
Very well written. Its as if i were directly speaking to me. I walked away from a 4.5 years relationship as it became clear to me that my bf was not gonna commit to me after all we had been true. I was sure that our relationship had passed the test of time but he had never ending excuses. So i packed my stuff got myself a beautiful flat. We first hung out casually thou in my loneliness i cried myself to sleep countless nights. But no here is my dilemma. Thou it has been 2.5 months since we are separated houses, when i ignore him for a few days he really tries to reach out to me. E.g taking me to the fanciest place im town… He even romanced me to a point i even got in bed with him. But now he msgs and calls me randomly to hang out. I dont want him to get the easy way in; im traumatized inside. Moreover calling me occasionally and taking me on dates is nit god enough when he clearly knows i want him to propose to me. So what am i supposed to do? Except his casual hang outs or totally cut him off politely? I know he is also texting de new girls but from what i’ve learned from him he is prolly just filling up his time and my space. Any advise on how i shud handle the situation. Tnx in advance
Cut him off completely. He’s calling other women and that is all that you need to know. I would cut him off for at least 6 months and even consider changing your phone number. To get him to propose is going to take a lot more than this. He will have to lose you and really believe he has lost you for there even to be a chance that he’ll change his behavior. You must cut him off and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES respond or reach out to him. I don’t know if you’re strong enough to do this right now, but that is what needs to happen.
Wow Jen, tnx for your quick response. I am gonna try to cut him off, but not sure if i shud respond something when he msgs or calls or just do it off the bat. But i want to ask you, is life and love supposed to be such a push and pull; and when these men do realize they made a mistake and even propose to the girl, what happens to all the trauma? Is there a chance love will blossom thou knowing how much they have hurt the girl and considering the fact that people wont change.
There’s always a chance, but it depends on the guy. C and I had a lot of pain to work through when we got back together so we went to premarital counseling. It took about a year before I felt safe with him again. That being said, I’d known C was “the one” for years so I was willing to take the time to heal with him. We’d had a beautiful relationship before and I knew that we could get back to that beauty.
The answer is no; it’s not supposed to be such a push and pull. My gut tells me that this man is not going to be your life partner. If you find yourself saying “When it’s great, it’s really great but when we’re bad, it’s really bad” or, “Gosh it’s so hard,” that’s usually a sign that you’re not with the right person.
I would tell him you’re cutting him off so he knows. You can say, “You’ve known for some time that I want to get married and after almost five years, I can see we are not going there. I don’t do casual relationships, I know you’re texting other women and I don’t want to be friends. I am cutting off contact with you and my wishes WILL be respected by you. There is no room for discussion; I’ve made up my mind. This is goodbye. I wish you the best but I don’t want contact with you for any reason, ever.” You need to be THIS clear so he doesn’t sense any weakness in you, otherwise he will try to exploit that weakness.
Because your former partner sounds manipulative, he will likely still reach out for the first 6 weeks; that’s fine — just ignore him. If he shows up at your flat, go back inside and lock the door. If he doesn’t leave, call the police. He’ll get the message really quickly.
Do yourself the favor — take some time to heal and move on from this guy. It needs to be over with him. You can do better.
Wishing you speedy healing & renewed happiness!
Jen
Jennifer, thank you every much for this post!
I can truly agree with previous commentators, it is just the right thing I needed at the right time 🙂
It’s been 4 months since my boyfriend from long-distance relationship (which in the beginning wasn’t LDR) broke up with me, at least he did it personally. Need to say that to me it came out of blue cause nothing before indicated about possible break-up. I need to admit, we were together only 7 months but I thought that he is ”the one”, to me it seemed we made a good match. The problem was that after 7 months of being together he told he cant answer me the same… he did not feel like loving me, he liked me but it was not enough, that’s what he said. Needless to say that I felt like something inside me dies cause he really, really was a good guy.
These are the first days after 4 months since I have felt way better and actually start seeing good things in life, joy is coming back.. slowly but still. Anyhow, all the 4 months I have never let him go, even he told me ”give me time and space”, I never did. Month ago we talked and I asked him, if he really is not willing to give it a try. His answer was ridiculous… he is not saying no but not saying as well. This far we have agreed to skype after 2 weeks when he is done with his master thesis. He says he is busy and really stressed because all the things going on in his life. Also, once I was so pissed off and I thought “I need to end this”. Still, I wrote him silly questions and asked does he want that we stop communication, he told ”he is just bus now and we will talk later”.
Basically, I still love him a lot and deep inside me I have a little hope that everything will be fine. At the same time, now I am trying to let him go, so after our ”skype date” I should not be disappointed. Some people say, hope for the best, prepare for the worse.
Anyhow, thank you a lot, your story truly inspired me! All the best to you 🙂
Everything can be fine with him, but you have to stop contacting him.
Men are very simple. They need to understand that they’ve LOST something in order to recognize its true value.
So when you’re asking if he wants to try, or asking when he’ll have time for you…he hasn’t really lost you at all. He still has you. Does that make sense?
Back off from him. I would even cancel the Skype date. Tell him you’re beginning to feel joy again and that you’re choosing to move on with your life. The situation will turn around very quickly.
The one piece of advice I have is that you have to MEAN it when you say it. If you say it just to get a response, he will know you’re not sincere. He’ll feel it.
You must truly let go, ALL the way, in order to have him back. The old relationship with him must die.
But really, don’t you want someone who is willing to make time for you, even if he’s writing his masters thesis? Don’t you want someone who will make 30 minutes to talk with you?
You’re worth it. Remember that.
Dammit! You are so much right! I will try to stick to your advice and let’s see what happens.
I even printed out this ”Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?
Giving up.
Surrendering.
Letting go.”
Just to remind myself it everyday.
Thank you very much! I am so happy that I have found your blog 🙂
I can’t thank you enough for writing this. I just happened upon it while in the same state you outlined in the beginning; and I feel so much better after reading it. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but please know that this is helping people.
Hi “Pockets” — thank you for your sweet comment. That’s exactly why I wrote it; I’m so glad to hear it helped, if even a little. THANK YOU for your kindness and I seriously wish you the speediest healing ever. ❤
Thank you, I appreciate it. I can only hope I can keep making the changes in my life and that my story ends up like yours. But, even if it doesn’t, I will still be a better person for it. Thanks again because it’s hard to express how much just reading this helped me.
Jen, while I feel like I have let her go, I still hold out hope in my heart that someday we will be back together. I have also (against conventional wisdom) told her the same; that I will always love her and miss her, and that I am not ready to give up hope that someday we are back together.
I feel as if I will keep this hope until one of 2 things happens:
1. She gets married
2. I decide on my own that I am ready to give it up
I understand having this hope could leave me vulnerable to being hurt again. And while I agree, I am fully prepared for that as there is no way it will hurt more than I’ve already been hurt. Also, I keep the hope with no expectations for the future; and will not let it impede the drastic but necessary changes I am making in my life. So, my question to you is: Can you “let go” without giving up hope?
Holding onto hope is, by definition, not letting go. Also, maintaining hope for someone who doesn’t currently want you creates an imbalance of power between you two that can seriously block a reconciliation.
The point of this blog is that BY giving up hope, you can attain the thing you’ve let go of. Only by renouncing it can you actually have it. If you keep the hope until she gets married or until you decide to on your own, you STILL have to let go either way. And you’ll feel better if you do it. So why not do it now?
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I dated my ex for 2yrs. We were long distance most our relationship & stayed 100% loyal to eachother. More than a bf, he was my bestfriend. Thats why this kills. I adored him with ever fiber of my being. He broke up with me 2 months ago, just before we were supposed to be getting engaged. Bc 1. There were things about me he couldnt deal with the rest of his life 2. He wasnt happy 3. He lost his feelings for me. That killed me. I am his first gf actually (I’m 22, hes 21). My guy friends are telling me it’s grass is greener & hes curious what else is out there. That doesnt help. He started talking to other girls immediately after the breakup. The kicker is he says “I’m one of the most amazing women hes ever met, he’ll always love me, but he wants me to move on & be happy.” He said the breakup was hard for him, hes moved on, has no intentions of getting back together..BUT who knows what will happen in the future. I feel so lost, we were planning on a wedding in July 😦 it almost feels more like a divorce than a breakup bc I was SO close to his family too.
That’s so hard. I get it. C said a lot of those things to me too.
It’s a very real thing and I’ve seen it over + over that a man will freak out just before a big commitment is looming. C did it and I’ve seen dozens of men do it. (And not only men do it, but we as women usually get freaked out the day of the wedding where men get freaked out before the proposal. Just different timing.) It sounds like this is what happened with your ex.
Losing the connection with the family can be the hardest part. I was extremely close with C’s family and as I’ve mentioned here, my best friend is married to his brother! So that made things really difficult for a while.
My advice is the same to you as it is to everyone — understanding the “why” behind why he left you won’t actually help; your brain just insists that it will. You have to accept that he is gone (for now) and move on as though he is not coming back.
If the connection is still there and the two of you have an opportunity to grow together, he will return to you and there will be a lot of healing for the two of you to do.
For now, you are very young and your ability to heal is second to none. Forgive yourself for any of your actions that may have initiated the breakup and make an effort every single day to let him go completely. You will heal and a very deep sense of happiness will return to you. I promise.
I’m really trying to. It’s a daily battle. I’m going to force myself to casually date other guys just to help me feel better, and am planning on volunteering somehow. My question is how do you move on when that hope that someday he’ll return won’t die? Especially bc I know our connection was very deep. He actually wept for hours in front of me during the breakup & wouldnt sleep in his bed for two weeks afterwards. Really hard to see that
Hi Jen,
I wrote on here a few weeks ago (I talked about how I turn 30 this month and was in the 5 year relationship)
It’s been a little over a year now, and while I can eat again, and muster through the ups and downs of daily life, I still can’t help but think “he’s still the one”.
I had mentioned previously how we grew up together,but never started a romantic relationship until we were both back in our home state when we were 23. I will be the first to admit I had never been single for more than a few weeks and I feel I never really got the chance to grow up. I was immature and played a lot of high school games in our 5 year relationship and I only realized after being alone for that first half year all of the wonderful qualities he had that I had taken for granted. Things that truly matter in a relationship and a spouse. Not just me being an immature brat complaining what so and so’s boyfriend or husband did for them or bought them. And now it kills me that I’m 30 and wonder if my past actions are going to haunt me the rest of my life because I lost him. I ve gone on several dates, and even dated someone for a few months. I just can’t see myself long term with anyone else.
I had also mentioned before that he didn’t exactly end things with me. He just became more and more distant saying he needed time to forgive me, but still keeping me hanging on, by saying I’m still the only one etc… until nothing. (My mom thinks he was pulling a cowardly act by not wanting to see my pain and ending it like a man since we’ve known each other so long) Anyways, after 11 months of no contact, i “cracked” and contacted him. I wrote him a long email explaining how I wasn’t perfect but I have changed and grown up. I apologized and asked for another chance.
Surprisingly he wrote back after not responding to me at all for the first several months…and said that he was glad to hear I was working on myself but that he was with someone, and that she didn’t have to go through the things or need time to grow up like I did, and that they both make the efforts not just him.
I asked him if he missed me at all. He said “of course”
I asked him if he thought he was going to marry this girl, and he said, I am not saying anything right now or getting into details of my life with you other than I am very happy with the person I am with. I tried to ask him more, but he stopped responding. I went a little stir crazy and did the unthinkable. I googled him. What I found was unbearable. I saw his Twitter saying he’d found the love of his life and they were on some sort of vacation. 11 months later and I’m nothing. And I’m not positive but it appears they are living together.
I asked one of guy friends how he just doesn’t care, how he never gave me closure that it could never be again, that he felt nothing for me. It would help so much if he just told me that, but when I asked, I get nothing. My guy friend said men don’t care about stuff like growing up together etc.. And that really bothers me. I realize men think differently, but to never talk or see me again after all we went through together?
I’ve had people say if it’s meant to be it will be… At this point though, working on my second holidays being alone, I feel like it’s hopeless for an “us”. I feel the pain of regret everyday, and I constantly wonder if I screwed up the rest of my life by being as immature as I was when we were together. I feel the pressure of hitting the next decade in life and being a woman… The children time clock… Sometimes I wonder if I should just settle for someone that’s “nice” and treats me well. Or if I should continue to hope for that if it’s meant to be…
I’m sorry this is super long- I wanted you to have the full story, and get your true unbiased thoughts… : )
Thanks Jen!
Nicole,
It sounds like you needed to learn a really hard lesson here — that insecurity and immaturity can ruin what many would see as a “perfect” union. Your ex may be completely lost to you now.
I would argue, though, that even though you’re longing for him now, that there was something in your connection that wasn’t working at the time. And very likely that both of you were not grown up enough yet to maintain stability in your union.
It’s a really hard lesson to learn and it’s a lesson that comes with serious consequences. My own complaining and game-playing with Cyrus at age 30 manifested in me being homeless in the middle of the night and him refusing to speak to me. Six horrific months went by and when I googled him, I saw that he seemed to be doing just fine. I really understand your sense of loss and regret.
Here’s what I think. You had very specific lessons you needed to learn about how to operate in a relationship. Without losing your ex completely and seeing that he’s moved on and happy, you would not have been able to learn those lessons. The consequences (losing him completely) had to be VERY REAL for you to completely get it.
We don’t know what will happen in the next year or two. But I strongly believe that you needed to learn those lessons ASAP. Could it be that you’ll have another chance with your ex? Maybe. Could it be that you’re going to meet someone you’re much more compatible with? Maybe.
I think what you now need to work on, which it doesn’t sound like you’ve successfully accomplished, is letting your ex go. It’s the whole reason I wrote this blog post.
Accept that the world took him from you; accept that you weren’t ready; understand that he found someone who treats him better; vow that you will treat every person you interact with moving forward with the utmost kindness; remember that you are wholly and totally deserving of love (and not just the kind where a guy is nice to you + you have to settle); remember that marriage is a game you play only when you’ve mastered the rules.
1. Forgive yourself.
2. Let him go.
❤
Thanks Jen,
I really needed to hear this…
Lovely story to share!
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Hi Jen! 🙂
Your story really touches my heart and I’m so happy I stumbled upon it. For the past 3 months I’ve been a wreck. I miss my ex beyond words. Me and my ex are both 22 years old. He was my best friend and the greatest man I’ve ever met. We really connected and I felt that I could fully be myself around him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. We had an amazing relationship up until a few months ago. (We were together for a year and a half). I started to feel like I was getting too dependent and that I needed to separate myself from him for a while. Instead, I threw a huge tantrum one day which I deeply regret. We had this huge fight over practically nothing. I then came to the conclusion that I couldn’t imagine being without him and never voiced how I felt. He then got a job a few weeks later. Things were going fine until a month in. He started to get very distant and I was seeing him less and less. I told him that if he still wanted to be with me, he would have to devote more time to me and our relationship. I asked him if he still loved me and he assured me that he did and that he would try to give me that time.
Another month in and he’s still busier than ever. At this point, I felt like he was avoiding me. I would text him and get answers hours later. I was lucky if I ever got to see him.I threatened to break up with him multiple times. At one point, I actually went through with it. He called me and told me that he didn’t want to break up. I was relieved.. until I noticed yet again that nothing had changed. I told him to man up and break up with me himself if he didn’t want to be with me. He said that he would never want to break up with me and he never did, but he continued to act very distant. So yes, I broke it off again. I became so frustrated, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted the old him back. I wanted our relationship back.
I saw him one last time 3 months ago. I told him that I hated being without him. He came over to my neighborhood and we had a great date. He initiated a kiss and he held my hand all throughout the day. It felt like everything was back to normal. At the end of our date he started talking about how lost he felt and how he just wanted to disappear. I tried to lighten the mood, but it didn’t really work. I had never seen him so down and he usually doesn’t like to talk about his feelings so I left it alone. He then took me home. We then kissed one last time and he left.
We texted a few more times. They were playful texts. It felt like things were going back to normal. A few days go by and we’re not texting anymore. I figured I’d wait for him to text me and that I’d give him some space. Those days turn into weeks. Now its been three months. I bumped into him and his friend this weekend (two days before my birthday). It was extremely awkward. He was at a loss of words and so was I. We exchanged greetings and I took off. I didn’t here from him after that.
I’m slowly trying to move on and let it go. I’ve gone through every possible scenario in my head and if he happens to be with someone else, I will accept it. I just wish he was honest with me if that may the case. Instead, I feel like I was completely left in the dark.
Again, I’m so happy that I came across your blog. You seem like an amazing person and I’d be extremely happy to hear from you. Thank you so much for sharing your story! 🙂
Well, I think obviously that you both(!) need some closure in this situation. I have to say that your breakup is an unusual one, because the two of you never…actually broke up. I sense that something happened in the last two months that you were together, and it’s kind of strange that you both never talked about what it was. It’s possible that he was very unhappy at his new job; it’s also possible he met someone he was attracted to at the new job and when your relationship was falling apart, he was pushed more toward her. That said, I can feel in his responses to you that he had a deep affection and love for you. That you both just stopped talking to each other without actually discussing WHY you were breaking up is strange. I think you need the clarity and I don’t think either of you can begin healing until you’ve honestly spoken about what went wrong. You can get the clarity you need in a few ways, but you have to contact him to do so.
My first recommendation would be to call him. He likely won’t answer. On his voicemail you can say, “Hey, it’s me. I know it’s been a while. I’m not calling to bother you; I know we’re done. I was just hoping to understand what happened so that I don’t make the same mistake next time. I’m not angry with you, I just want to understand. Give me a call when you can. It won’t take long.”
Men aren’t big talkers, so saying you’ll keep it short and that you’re not angry will encourage him that it’s safe to call you.
When he does call, the questions you want to ask are:
— In what way did I contribute to us breaking up and what could I have done differently? (Or, simply: “What went wrong?”)
— You said that you felt lost the last time we saw each other. What did you mean? What did you need from me then that could have helped you feel less lost?
— Something seemed to change when you got a new job. What was it?
— I’m not accusing you of anything. You were always so good to me and I loved you deeply. You just seemed to get so distant at the end. Was it my behavior or did you end up meeting someone else?
These answers might not be pleasant for you to hear. In fact, they may cause you pain. I had a similar conversation with my (now) husband a few weeks after we broke up and the answers were REALLY hard to hear. But I at least knew what went wrong and that the door was really closed on us getting back together (at least for a while).
If you’re really afraid to call him, you can try emailing him the same thing. I would NOT text him — it’s the least effective form of communication. I would definitely recommend that you call him because you want to hear the REAL answers — not the answers he has time to think about so as to avoid hurting your feelings. SOMETHING happened in the last few months you were together and I feel that you need to know what it is so that your healing can begin. If he just gives you more of the same soft answers, it won’t help you at all.
In the meantime, you have to work on learning to control your own energy. You’re quite young, so the fact that you threw tantrums and kept threatening to break up with him when you were feeling vulnerable is pretty normal. But if you want to be in a longterm relationship that eventually leads to marriage, you have to learn what to do when men become distant. To learn this, you have to get really strong on your own and have a very solid relationship with yourself. That way, when your partner becomes distant (which he will at some point or another), you know how to stay steady and ask him what he needs without completely freaking out that he might be leaving. Hopefully you’ll learn this earlier than I did — I was 31 by the time I figured it out! And by the way, this isn’t only advice for women. Men also need to control their energy and know what to do if their partners become distant.
Keep me updated on your guy. I feel like there’s a piece of the puzzle missing in why you two stopped talking and I hope he’s able to give you the answer. Thinking of you + wishing you healing!
xoxo
Jen
Oh how I love this post so much touches me in so many levels and reading some of the other comments is one of the best post I have read.I will write my experience tomorrow.
Thank you for such a fast reply.
I’ve read so many stories but this really gave me a boost,
The only grudge I have is that I’m just hurt. She was/is my world and I thought I was hers. I only blew hot and cold as she told me id have to wait till she’s ready for start over again and I was just scared and decided to sever it, it’s a hard pill to swallow moving on and the fact she will meet someone else. We have a beautiful child and your right for the sake of him cease the arguments but I find it hard to move on as I have to see her, it just breaks me, and it really does seem she’s ok with this while I’m battling with intrusive thoughts about her. I do thank you for reading. I’ve bored everyone else ha with this,
There’s no way she’s okay with things the way they are…she may have just decided that there isn’t hope and doesn’t want you to have hope either. She is angry at you now. That will fade. The only choice you have is to tend to yourself and do all that you can to return to happiness, with or without her. Doing so is actually your greatest likelihood of getting her back. When she sees that you have changed, have let the anger go and are seeming optimistic and positive, she will begin to wonder about you and the door will reopen. I have been touched by so many stories through this blog about just how many people this has happened to. The difficult part is where you are right now – your only option is to forge ahead and try to be happy, even with no guarantee that she will let you back in.
Hi Jen,
Yea you are 100% right. That’s exactly what she said, she just can’t see a way forward as all we did is argue, and I’ve realized since being apart how trivial it all was. Stresses between us just came to a head.
She told me I was her one. Her soulmate etc and I believe that can’t just go. I’m going to work on me and over time I hope shel see this new person and want that one back. she’s a fantastic woman and a perfect mother but we just had a very Rocky patch, but at this moment I’m at a stage where I feel I can’t move on as it’s raw. My gut tells me it’s over and hopeless in having her back but could it also be that my gut feeling is just because I’m hurt.
Did you ever think you and c would be back and married or did you think I was really done.
Thank you.
Oh yes, I definitely thought we were hopeless! He wouldn’t even speak to me. But like you, something inside just couldn’t let him go even though it brought me so much pain. It was only when I finally realized that six months had gone by and I didn’t want to be in that pain anymore that I finally started to feel better and that’s when he started coming back around (the door reopened). But yes…I had long hopeless months and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. It will get better! I promise. I know how hard it is right now.
Hi Jen,
Your blog has helped me so much, I trawled the net looking for quick help remedies to help me.
Yea your totally right. Something inside can’t let go even tho I have too. She’s the mother of our child so wel always have that bond, the only pain and confusing I got is that her words calling me her soulmate the love of her life and the only bloke she could ever see herself with seemed to disappear. That she loves me but is no longer in love nor can she see a future. And I seemed to off pushed it further by me being hurt and angry and saying that all those words must be lies as she’s no longer with me. But I have now accepted it thanks to your post and I do feel better. I even told her that I’ve accepted and I want no more drama or grudges and for her to be happy, she didn’t seem to like me saying I was going to move on,
I truly believe we should be together and hopefully with me moving on and tending to me and being happy shel see the old hPpy me not the one where we got rocky. Your story has really given me hope it’s not impossible and I’m so happy your back together and married.
Why does the thought and feeling of her meeting another bloke make me feel so incredibly ill.
Knowing she’s off out on the town just makes me paranoid.
I hate this feeling and this time right now. Wish there was a magic pill to make us stronger,
You have to let it go. She might meet another guy. Will she end up with that guy permanently? 99% chance she won’t. Her relationship with someone new may even lead her back to you – that’s what happened with me. But you have to let her do that if she wants to.
Yea I know your right,
Maybe it’s a bit of immaturity to think she’s not and shouldn’t do that, she’s single can do what makes her happy, going around there to see our son is hard, I just want to hug her. Tell her I’m sorry to give her mixed signals as I was worried too. I even went over there Halloween professed my love and was told there’s no future and she’s no longer in love when only two weeks earlier she saw a future and would fall back In love, and the reason she fell out of love was ME. I became stressed and not the bloke she first met,
Hi jen, thank you for taking the time to read and reply, its really helped and I get days where it feels hopeless in getting her back, others more positive, taking the little one for a family day out so hopefully its the 1% opening of starting afresh, to see the new me and zero arguing and laughing,
You’re very welcome! Remember to be patient with yourself as you heal. The person who needs to change during this time apart isn’t her, it’s YOU! So the effort shouldn’t be on getting her back, but on being at peace with being apart and working on yourself + your happiness. You can be happy with her, happy with someone else or happy alone! But you want to make sure that for your next relationship, you are calmer and more steady so that the arguments and rocky periods don’t come up the same way. That part needs to be figured out whether you’re back together with your ex or with someone new.
After time away from C and all the yoga, meditation and other things I did, I notice now that I’m not jealous, not possessive of his time and I’m not so controlling about him behaving the way I want him to. That could not have happened if we hadn’t taken time apart. From the loss and the pain I experienced, there is a calm inside of me now that understands that 1. I can get through any grief or loss and emerge on the other side 2. The ways I tried to control him before made me lose him, so there’s no point.
Proud of how hard you’re working — keep it up and be patient with yourself on the hard days.
Your completly right jen. Thank you, im not changing to get her back but for me, I dont know whats around the corner, we could get back me may not, im sick of feeling sad and being like this, time to pick me up dust myself down and move on, I find it hard to let go tho this is what im struggling with the letting go part, I love her and know we should be together. But its a must I let go, I re read your blog and it helps but one day I feel positive next negative, its like a physical pain.
I know that pain you are talking about very, very well. All I can promise you is that it will abate. Keep staying on the path. It will get better.
Your right I know, and I know it will pass and get easier , I know its a time thing, I only worried that as time goes on her feelings will fizzle to what they once were, id like her to re fall back in love and us be stronger, only time and healing will tell.
Hi Jen.
Is a gut feeling that a ex is fully done something to go by or is it self preservation to getting hopes up,
After my ex told me I was the love of her life and soulmate can that fizzle out or would it take along time,
We’re speaking normally now, she puts kisses (4) on the end of messages and we have a laugh,
Basically my question is,
If your called a soulmate and the love of someone’s life and I know she genuinely wanted to spend her life with me yet told me after arguments over time she fell out of love that can be bought back to a solid foundation even if your gut tells you she doesn’t see a future. Sorry its long.
Dom,
I do feel like I’ve answered this question — love can heal and come back, regardless of what she said, absolutely. You may have a “gut feeling” about something but anything can change at a moment’s notice. I wouldn’t rely on your gut too strongly — I would focus more on healing yourself and feeling better.
In the meantime, you really need to work on letting her go. Letting it be and being at peace with the situation.
Hi Jen,
Yea your completely right I do need to let her go, my anxiety is a big factor in this, I know I shouldn’t rely on a gut
Feeling and apologies if I repeated my questions over again, I will move on and heal and work on me I just know she’s my one,
We spent a family day out and it was amazing. I just wanted to grab her hand and it was hard I coukdnt,
Once I work on me, build my confidence and heal maybe the door will reopen, I can’t rely on her for my happiness, I just know we belong, and deep down so does she as she once told me.
But thanks for all the replies.
Hi Jen! Your words really helped me heal from my breakup, thank you so much for sharing this to everyone!
My ex bf broke up with me 3months ago through Facebook. We were taking a break 1week before that and I was so insecure and screwed up, asking him “you seem happier without me” and some negative stuff. That day was his bday and happy pics were up on fb. That led me to act so negative and clingy. Then he started talking like he’s happy for many things now and he wants me to be happy too(with another good man ). He also said he feels he would grow old with regret if we would be together . I took these as he wanted to break up with and I said I wanted to say a last goodbye. I sent him an email telling my feeling because I didn’t think I could tell him face to face (English is not my native language) I wrote him how much I loved him for 2ys of relationship, Everything I was grateful. Then he emailed me back saying he was sure we would be married but something didn’t feel right and he doesn’t know what it is.
We kept texting but it took us 2months to see each other after breakup. I thought this would be the last time cuz I couldn’t be friends with him, it hurts to be. When we met, I tried to be a happy person and enjoy the time together. We had such a great time. It was like nothing happened between us. He held my hand, put hir arm around my waist, flirted. I was really confused. It was him what wanted to break up. But I still had a strong feeling and couldn’t resist. I felt happy at the same time.
When we were about to say goodbye, we talked a bit about us. He said I was dependant on him and he wanted space and time with his friends. He also said he doesn’t know what he wants. I understood his thoughts. I know I was dependant and moody and I really regretted. We didn’t take that conversation deep cuz I knew we couldn’t solve our problem right now and It is not the right time. he said “I have ur stuff too, so we’ll see each other again. ” we hugged, kissed and said goodbye. It was so sweet. I wanted to tell him that I want another try with him but I was scared thinking it might make him pull back.
After that I asked him for a dinner but he forgot (he is UNBELIEVABLY forgetful) and apologized and asked me to make it next weekend. He said “I’m so sorry. I won’t forget.”
Guess what newt? He forgot again. I felt so disrespected but I kept my responce cool and tell him to make it up next time with a smile face. And 1month passed since we saw each other the last time. All of a sudden I felt I was stupid to put so much effort. I believed he was the one and felt I would do anything for him. I tried to fix my problem (being clingy, moody, negative). It’s not easy but I really wanted to fix it for him and for my own as well. I’m still working on them. But suddenly , something just cut the string. Maybe I got sick of trying to get him back. I felt helpless and sad. Now I learn to let go too. I mean, relax and not push myself too much.
Im doing NC for 2weeks now. I just don’t know how to make things work. We seemed good since when I saw him last time. I felt he still loves me. I think he really doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe he thinks if we got back he couldn’t have time with friends again?
It kills me imagining him with other girls, but who knows? Should I just tell him that I wanna see if we can make it work again? We loved each other and didn’t hate or anything. What does it need for us?
I’m wondering if I just keep NC for months or honestly tell him that I want another chance?
Sorry for this long message! Ive been struggling for 3months now and it hurts me.
Your story encouraged me a lot.
My only question to you is – do you really want to be with a guy who, while you are suffering and thinking of him all the time, forgets to have dinner with you, not once, but twice?
Get over this guy and find someone who is really capable of loving you. Good men are all over the place – you just have to be willing to close your eyes on the guy you’re thinking of now and open your eyes to all the potential of love that exists for you.
Hi Jen, thank you for your honest reply. That question has been in my head all the time but I was just scared to accept it. I loved him so much and I tried to convince myself that maybe something is wrong with his brain (he was a kickboxer and punched in his head hundreds of time)and his lack of memory isn’t because of his lack of thoughtfulness to me.
Now I’m starting to pick up myself and go out with some men too. Sometimes getting back together is not the only choice, right? Being happiness is your choice.
Thank you for making time to read my message and gave me an advice. Btw, I am a japanese girl and just found out that you have been here! I’m glad that people make some memorable experiences in our country.
Hi Nana! Yes — I lived in Fukushima for two years. I loved my time in Japan and I miss your beautiful country every day. 🙂
I think you said it perfectly. Getting back together is not the only choice. And the truth is, it’s often easier to achieve happiness by starting all over again. You can be very happy with someone else, and you can also be happy alone! Choosing to be happy regardless of the circumstances is the secret!
I hope you find someone wonderful who is capable of giving you all the love you deserve. がんばってね！:)
Hi Jen.
I’ve had the moment where I’ve realized that I have to let my ex go,
Went over to see our lad and I was the old me, happy, confident and fun and left feeling good, dunno if it’s me over analyzing but she texts to ask me questions she knows the answers too, maybe that’s her reaching out and starting a convo, plus I never message other than to ask about our boy,
Made a fitness plan, given up smoking. Chucked myself into work, and now moving on,
Not ready to start dating as It feels weird at the moment, get days where I get paranoid to what she’s up too and I just remind myself that if it’s meant to be it will be, if not il heal,
The more you are positive and begin to stabilize, the easier with your communication with her will be. Don’t rush to date. You’re doing everything right. Some days will be difficult but the weeks will go by and it will get easier. I applaud all of the positive changes you’re making! Keep it up. You WILL heal.
Thank you Jen,
I just kept reading and reading comments that have been posted.
This breakup has affected me bad. I left relationship due to it being rocky. But I wanted her back with a stern THERES NO FUTURE. So after a agonising few months I’m getting there. I still want her back as I really love her but if it’s not meant to be il be ok.
Dom,
Hi Dom, just checking in on you and wanted to see how you were feeling this last week. Hope all is well! –Jen
Hi Jen,
Thank you that means a lot.
Yea I’ve been ok thanks.
Still finding the whole situation very hard. We are going out on family day outs and having fun.
I just want to hold her hand lol,
But other than that I’ve been trying to focus on me the best I can, clear my mind and be happy, eating well, exercising but it still feels something is missing. But time is a great healer,
Thank you for the check in, your a great person with a huge heart,
Dom.
Sent from my iPhone
>
Hi Jen,
Thank you that means a lot.
Yea I’ve been ok thanks.
Still finding the whole situation very hard. We are going out on family day outs and having fun.
I just want to hold her hand lol,
But other than that I’ve been trying to focus on me the best I can, clear my mind and be happy, eating well, exercising but it still feels something is missing. But time is a great healer,
Thank you for the check in, your a great person with a huge heart,
Dom.
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Hi Anon,
I don’t know if he still loves you. But I can tell you this — if halfway through your relationship, he was thinking of buying a ring but also got drunk and kissed another girl, this person is not your life partner. At least not now, and possibly not ever. If he found himself in an inappropriate situation a few months into your relationship, what will happen five years into your marriage?
He’s young. REALLY young. And he has a right to work really hard right now, and explore the world and play in his band if that’s what he wants. What he DOESN’T have the right to do is lead a beautiful girl on, and talk about marrying her, only to break up with her because he’s not ready to be serious. That’s what he can’t do, and what you should never allow him to do.
Sometimes the hardest part about love is that the love is there, but the respect isn’t. Or the love is there, but the timing is wrong.
C and I were on and off for eight years. EIGHT YEARS! One time I broke up with him by texting him “Game over, thanks for playing.” That’s because I was young and immature, like your ex. It took us eight years to finally get it right (we got married at age 32).
But the truth is that, even if I had looked into the future and seen that I’d eventually marry him, I wouldn’t have wanted to get married any earlier. Because I needed to explore the world, and grow up and get hurt and become a better person…and so did he. If we would have married at the point in life where we both still wanted to explore and sleep with whomever we wanted…it would have been a disaster. I thank life all the time from sparing me from that nightmare. We were both total immature a**holes who would have destroyed one another. I loved him, but I didn’t respect him. And he loved me, but he was in no way ready for that kind of commitment.
And if you insist on being with a person before he’s ready to commit, he will destroy you.
Delete him from social media and ban yourself from saying his name. Move on. I’m sure your friends are telling you to do the same.
It’s a blessing that this guy is out of your life and moving to another state right now. And you shouldn’t WANT him back right now. Go and re-read this blog. You’re not doing the one thing it recommends you to do…let it go.
Give up.
Surrender.
Will life bring him back to you? Maybe.
Does it matter? Not even a little bit.
I wish you peace + healing.
–Jen
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I would avoid any social situation in which you may see him for at least six months. Even if he sees you 20 pounds lighter and thinks you’re hot, he’ll just want your body, which will hurt you even more. I lost 25 pounds in my breakup with C and when he saw me again, he thought I looked frail and sick, not hot.
I don’t think it would be weird to cut him off social media. He wasn’t your friend before, he wasn’t a friend to you during, and he’s definitely not a friend now. If he texts and asks why you deleted him from social media, you can simply say, “I’ve chosen to move on with my life. I wish you the best and hope you’ll do the same.”
Let go means simply that…LET GO. Of everything. Of wanting him to think you’re hot, of wondering if he’ll think you’re weird. It’s over. Let it go.
[Comment deleted]
I’ve changed your name to “anonymous” in your comments.
I can delete the comments if you truly want me to, but I feel like the questions you’ve asked here are really important and can help other people who are experiencing the same amount of pain that you were. Since I’ve deleted any reference to you personally, would you mind me keeping the comments here to be of help and comfort to others? 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
Very inspirational and wonderful article. Reading your words brought comfort knowing exactly how you felt in pain and how I hope to feel in joy! I dated my bf for four years. We both knew on the first date- love at first sight and knew we were going to be together. During our relationship, we bought a house, pets and planned our life together in good faith and love. We have the same goals, values, background and are so alike and just happy together. When we moved in together, fights started occurring over the dumb stuff. Two people living together and becoming not fully grateful for the other. We always made up and loved each other and I never thought we would break up. He proposed to me in July and we started planning our wedding. It was wonderful… a couple months after the proposal we hit a patch where things were going wrong and we couldn’t get to a place where we felt connected again. I came home from work in October and he was gone. Made up his mind and didn’t want to be with me or marry me. I cried, pleaded but I had to move out immediately. I left after a week to my mom’s house and gave the ring back. For the next month, I did major soul searching and read books, quotes, stories, seminars anything to work on myself and improve what I did wrong in the relationship because I am only responsible for my part. I would try and see him and show/tell him my growth but he is scared to get back and is still in the relief mode. He says he misses me everyday but doesn’t want to be with me now and wants to be alone. It is so painful because I feel it in my gut that this can’t be and we will get back together. I finally got the courage to truly not see him or reach out to him anymore. No more trying to convince him. Let him go. He doesn’t reach out but did on my birthday. Thankfully, I didn’t respond and am committed to no contact. It is so interesting trying to find a balance between letting go and listening to your intuition. I am trying to stay strong and hope that whatever is meant to be will be. You’re an inspiration to me and wish you love and joy.
Marie,
Your situation sounds the closest to what happened between C and me so I truly understand what you’re feeling. I too had my intuition SCREAMING “it’s not over” at me during the time we didn’t speak. Even so, it took no contact + me giving up completely to make my intuition’s prediction come true.
You’re doing the right thing. Move on as though he won’t return, and very likely, he will.
The first holidays alone are the hardest. Stay strong — I see great happiness in your future, whether with your ex or someone else.
xoxo
Jen
Dear Jennifer,
I just wanted to ask you some quick advice. I’ll try to make it as short as possible! My ex and I broke up, about half a year ago. She ended it. The problem was, as far as I know, that she was confused, needed to be alone. And I have to say she developped a real low self esteem. After a few weeks of me trying to work on this, I threw in the towl. All the mixed signals and very bad timing of the BU (it’s alwasy bad i know)..I couldn’t handle it any longer.I asked for no contact, cos it wasn’t going anywhere.
But now every few weeks or around every month, I get something from her. It’s not a reall question or convo, it’s a card, or a letter or ….this keeps confusing me and giving me (false?) hope. And preventing me from moving on. Would you suggest to keep doing what i”m doing (meaning, not answering or making contact) or should I ask to stop the contact again? I really hate to be the demon in this BU, I really didn’t want all of this. I still love her and It’s like I have to act like the dumper
I just wanted to say, that I really enjoyed your blog.It gives me a sens of comfort You’ve must have had a real hard time during your Break up, that you are taking all this effort! For which I thank you
Have a nice day,
Laure
What is the content in the cards and letters? Is she saying she misses you? That she’s just thinking of you? What do you think her intention is?
You still love her, but are you interested or not interested in getting back together?
Let me know and I can give better advice. 🙂 Thanks so much for reaching out!
The card was just a bday card with an inside joke I used to made. The letter, well it was mostly the same stuff she allready told me during the break up.
I don’t really understand/know what she is trying to say. ‘that she often thinks that she made a big mistake but couldn’t see a way back’ ‘She thinks we’ll get better out of this (sorry I don’t know the correct translation to english)’ That she misses me and some other stuff. But in the end she writes: I hope with whole my heart that I can see you again after I’m back (she is not in the country for several months) and that I’m still and will remain her big love.(?)
I don’t really know how to say everything in english (sorry! :)) but I just feel that her intention of the letter etc is just more to prohibit me from forgetting her. I recieved the letter right before she left (which I find quite selfish). Not so long ago she sends me a message to watch a music video of an emotional song. I’m still getting this confused vibe from her
I do think I still want to get together, but I do have to say that she really really dropped me at a very bad time. And these ways of contacting me aren’t helping me either So I think yes but if it ever happens, it won’t be easy (but it never is). But the thing is, I tried to work on the relationship and she ‘couldn’t’, so I don’t see why she keeps sending me these things, it’s not like they contain a real clear answer or message.
Thank you for respondig Jennifer! I hope you understand what I’m trying to say I’m trying to keep it short, but with all the details, I could write a book :)!
Hi there.
It definitely sounds like she wants to keep you waiting for her in case she decides to get back together with you. And you’re right — that’s very selfish of her.
I would respond to her Facebook message saying, “Look, I care about you very much and wish you the best, but we are broken up and I want you to stop sending me things like this. You broke up with me, I respected your wishes, and you can’t have it both ways. Take care of yourself.”
I know you love her. But I sense from you that the door is closed — at least for right now. So it’s fine to ask for no contact, and she should respect your wishes. Then, if you want to see her when she gets back, you can see her after you’ve both had some space.
Your English is very good! Where are you from?
Well the thing is, that if she would come back now, it’s just doomed to fail. I know her very well, and I don’t feel like she is really working on her issues. Although I really love her, she makes it impossible for me to heal. The fact that she told me she wants to meet in like 6 months or so, makes it difficult for me, cos I have a ‘time frame’ where she will probably contact me again. So yes, the door is closed now, I think. If we would get back together, without working on herself, it would be just a waste of my ‘pain’ and tears. Cos like you know, a break up, hurts like hell.
And it makes me a tiny mad that she doesn’t respect me asking for no contact. I just don’t see an other way.
Thank you again Jennifer for your answer! And thanks for the compliment, I’m dutch 🙂 that tiny country, far far faarrr away!
Hi Jen,
Pleased to say,
Yesterday was a real turning point. I had a good chat with the ex after we were spending a lot of time together and I thought we were getting somewhere. To then be told she has her reasons to still not be together yet she’s haply I’m in her life and she thought we were meant to be but it changed.
That was the answer I needed to hear to finally move on and set her free, and afterwards I truly felt good. I’ve been a emotional wreck and my anxiety was sky high but now I k ow it’s all going to be good. The fog cleared shall I say.
I still got the, you’ll never know how I feel about u or us I just have my reasons to not go back.
But other than that I’m truly positive about moving on,
Thanks Jen for all the advice too. Your a real 💎
Hi Dom,
I’m so glad you’ve reached a turning point and that you’re at peace. This is where the real magic happens and you can reclaim your life again + give yourself permission to heal and be happy. It takes a lot of work and courage to get here. I’m really proud of you.
Thanks Jen.
Yea it’s time to reclaim my life your 100% right, it got To a point where I was sick of feeling like the way I do. Moping around worrying what she’s doing.
We had a good chat the other day where we were making progress to what we wanted. Gave me conflicting signals and then told me again there’s no future, so that flipped a switch in me, I was confused to her still telling me she loves me. She’ll never get over me and I’m a beautiful person inside and out and it pains her to hear I’m moving on. I don’t think these are words of a ex who doesn’t see a future.
But Jen its clicked. I have zero control over this. I’ve done my tears. And now it’s reclaiming the Dom I used to be, not the man I’ve become.
Thank you.
Thank you, for your sweet message. I was able to ignore him for three weeks but ended up seeing him. I felt weak… and went to this house. He was definitely not the same person who I saw three weeks ago. He was shut off and cold. He said I was wasting my time and he didn’t love me anymore and I discovered he has been talking to a girl. It’s been two months since we ended our engagement and it’s crazy how fast he moved on and seems at peace and confident in his decision. I am having such a difficult time accepting the breakup and thinking he doesn’t want to be with me. Two months after the engagement and gone- how can love vanish? When your whole body and mind can’t seem to move on but it has no choice. Since I saw him the only benefit I took away was giving me the strength to cancel all the wedding reservations and go back to no communication. Canceling the wedding was something I couldn’t imagine doing but after seeing him- it made me realize that’s true letting go. Maybe he needs to date to realize what we had… maybe he will maintain his decision. I just don’t know… just never thought pain could feel this way. So letting go and focusing on myself is all I can do. I read all the quotes and book recommendations you give and now am seriously considering booking a solo trip to Italy for a couple of weeks. It would be my first time traveling in Europe and my friend did it after a terrible divorce and so much healing came out of it. I know friends and family are there for me but did you ever feel like you were such a burden to them like almost too much. I find myself being alone and being okay with that…taking the time to read books, pray and Traveling to Europe seems like a way to quiet my mind from all the spinning thoughts and finding some strength and happiness. I don’t know how the human heart can just shut off and be cold. I love him with everything but it doesn’t matter. Thank you so much for all your positive and loving insight.
My heart physically ached while reading what you wrote. Ugh, that’s so awful. I feel for you. I know exactly where you are.
And this is going to sound callous and cruel of me — but even THIS is part of the process, and it HAD to happen this way. Your relationship was a house that you built together. It seemed as though it was on a strong foundation, but apparently it was not. And for you to heal and move on (whether that’s with him in the future or with someone else), the whole damned thing has to burn to the ground.
Don’t beat yourself up about going to his house. It was always going to happen. Something had to click to make you turn your back, and as painful as it was for you, this was it.
It’s not unusual that he’s talking to another girl. I feel like I’ve seen it a thousand times now. He’s rejecting the life you created together and asserting his freedom to speak to whomever he wants. It’ll pass.
As to whether the love is gone or not, I asked myself the same question a trillion times. When I talked to C a week after our breakup, and he was cold as ice. Or even when I saw him three months later and he had that guarded, yet somehow vacant look. The love isn’t gone — it’s concealed, and your ex has even concealed it from himself. I do not believe that love can disappear overnight. I believe people give up and then put on a front to make it appear as though the love is gone.
You’ll hear from him. Later, perhaps much later, than you want to. But you will. He’ll have some realizations about how quickly he abandoned ship and this girl will disappoint him. He’ll come to realize that love is work, and difficult, and worth it, and he’ll question if he’s burned the bridge between the two of you completely.
In the meantime, YES, you should go to Italy. Yes — pray, and read, and let go, and create anew.
Oh yes, I burdened my friends and family. On Thanksgiving of the year it happened, I refused to get up from the carpet and asked my mom, “Will I ever be happy again?” And I told my dearest friends the story over and over and OVER to the point where I could feel that I was repelling them, but they also knew that I had to get it out of my system. (Those same friends were bridesmaids in my wedding.) You ARE burdening them. But it’s also their job. And when it’s time and they’re in pain, they’ll burden you too. Friendship, relationships — these things aren’t convenient; they’re a burden. A very worthwhile burden full of love.
There will be a day, after the beautiful, happy/sad days in Europe, when it will all make sense. I’m only sorry that day isn’t now. But it will come. You will understand. And for now, you know the next part — you take this part of the journey alone, and you heal from it, and I know, without a doubt, the way I know my own name, that if you’re strong enough to face your pain in these coming weeks, that joy will return to you…doubled over.
I’m thinking of you.
HI Marie,
It’s been almost a year since your post – wanted to see how you’re doing and your experience within this time frame?
Your story touched me and somewhat resembled mine.
-HH
Hi HH,
My apologies for the late response… I haven’t checked this blog in a long time and visited it today and saw your post. First off, I am so sorry for your pain – there truly is nothing like it. When I posted the last message of going to his house and seeing he had moved on – I never reached out to him again in hopes to fix us. This year has truly been the best and most emotional year of my life but the joy is overwhelming and all around me. It took a lot of reading, seminars, quotes and more quotes, meditation, praying, reiki, running and eventually dating. But for the most part – I wanted to be alone and completely at peace with being alone from going out to dinner to spending weekends alone- I just made it a point to love my own presence and be okay with not having anyone with me. I think the key is to work at it everyday and know that even on the worst days – progress is being made. Everything got better very slowly and when they did I felt so grateful and was so appreciative of every little mile stone. I remember I could barely eat or keep food in my system for two months but I remember the first time I could enjoy a tall vanilla latte and a good meal and I relished in that moment and kept working hard until all the beautiful things in life came back to me AND life did. Life has been truly more beautiful than I ever could imagine and I like who I am now… it’s crazy to think but now I am so grateful for the breakup. Given time a part, I realized so much and we were not meant to be. I would have never had the strength to break up with him but I am glad he did because after time healing – I realized we were not good for each other and I am a much better version of myself without him. That all being said, when you’re in the middle of it and the pain feels absolutely unbearable… it’s hard to imagine better days ahead. I believe with will my whole heart that everything happens for a reason and if you two are meant to be together – no time or distance will keep you apart. Thinking of you and if you write back and have questions – I will respond quickly. Sending love and light to you H.
Marie – thank you for your response. It was so nice to hear that you had such a great year and that you are in a great place. Really, it’s amazing to look forward to. Although at this point, you probably didn’t care for it, but did your ex ever reach back out to you for the closure?
I am doing so much better than when I started. I remember crying every single day for the first few months and maybe tearing/crying once a day the past few weeks. But now I am working on myself, focusing on me instead of focusing on my thoughts of him and what we had. I don’t cry anymore although I still miss moments and do think of him on occasion. The moving on point for me (the one that Jen said I will know when I know) is when someone sent me a pic of him and his new gf on social media, then his mom removed me from fb and found out they went on an international trip together (the trip him and I were supposed to take for our honeymoon) – this happened all in one weeks time and it made me realize that he is probably not the one for me and I can’t stop worrying, obsessing, missing, etc. I am so appreciative of your response, Jen’s and everyone else’s. I am so happy I ran into Jen’s blog. It really helped me a lot throughout this time. It’s been a crazy few months, but I am so glad we are all getting out of it slowly. It’s just a matter of time and you really can’t escape it or shortcut it (Jen’s words that stuck with me).
Lots of love and blessings to you Marie. I wish you good luck and thanks again for your response.
HH,
My ex never reached out to me about closure or how it ended – he rapidly moved on and found himself in a new relationship. The bright side is – In my own time I moved on as well and given the choice to see him now for closure – I wouldn’t see him or need to hear anything. I healed on my own. Without his words, apologies, regrets, or sympathy and with that comes power. I know I can heal on my own and don’t need the closure or talks I once thought were needed when a relationship ends. My heart hurt for you reading your words because I know how you feel. I am happy you’re doing so much better and everyday seeing little improvement – all that means so much!! You’re doing it and going through the process and there is so much happiness awaiting you. Drown yourself in beautiful uplifting books, do everything and anything that feeds your soul. I feel completely different after this experience – I don’t feel like the old version of myself but someone completely different but better and happier. I am sorry about his mother defriending you and for your ex going away with a different girl… makes me sick but you will have YOUR moment and a new love will come. Love always comes around… it just changes shape. When you’re ready, I would suggest this book – It’s called, Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It’s a beautiful book and has helped me heal a great deal. Sending love and here if you need support.
Marie
Marie,
That book helped me so much too. People say to me, “But she got divorced!” And I say back, “It doesn’t matter!” Because healing is healing and that book is incredible.
I just started it yesterday!!! I already like it. 🙂
Hi HH! It has now been over a year for you and wanted to check-in and see how you are doing? xoxo
Thinking of you HH ❤️
Thanks so much <3.
By the way, he never did send my things. But for now, I don't care to ask for it until I'm at 100%.
Jen,
I am forever grateful for your message of truth, hope and love – brings tears to my eyes. It marvels me how considerate you are for taking the time to respond. Yes, I believe every word you said and it touched my heart on such a sad day. For that, thank you so much for some peace and comfort. When the unthinkable happens, there are lessons everywhere waiting to blossom and unravel your inner truth & purpose. Just have to be more patient with myself and know all answers come in their own time. I hope to write again when I am truly happy and life is as it should be.
Thank you again for your blog and your advice – it truly is exactly what I need to hear and has such a positive effect.
You are an angel.
Jennifer,
First of all, Merry Christmas! I read your post and the comments below and feel as though I can finally relate to someone. My ex and I have been good friends and co-workers for approximately 8 years. We both went through horrible divorces and we were there for each other. We talked for hours at a time and we went from being emotionally involved to romantically involved. It was amazing for the 15 months that we were together….. We had our issues; the biggest one being moving forward with the kids. I wanted to start involving the kids in our relationship and he wasn’t ready. It led to arguments and eventually, I left and told him that I wanted to figure my life out.
During this time, we didn’t really talk and he thought that I had moved on. We would occasionally exchange words and they were less than friendly. After a month, I realized that my love for him was just as intense as if was a year ago and that I would wait a lifetime for him to “move forward.” I tried going back and he seemed extremely receptive to the idea. Unfortunately, I found out that he had been sleeping with a friend of mine(not a great friend, but a co-worker).
I made all the mistakes: I blew up his phone, begged for him back, showed up at his house….. I did nothing but talk about “us” and how much I miss him. We have had crazy heated arguments. We all work together so people know what’s going on….and the rumors fly… Half of them not being true.. It’s been – couple months and things have gotten worse…..In the beginning he said he needed time….. Then let’s see what happens…. Now he says we need to work on a friendship because he doesn’t see us together…. I have pushed him so far away! He is angry and says he needs space. I want to fix everything which hasn’t worked as you can see. I love him so much and I miss him like crazy. I’m not sure if I stand any chance after pushing him so far and with all the rumors at work. He seems so done. I’m not sure what to do or if I have any chance. He was my best friend and I fell in love…. Please help!!
The only help I can offer is to recommend that you back away from him and give him exactly the space he is asking for, and more. I wrote this post to encourage people to let go and to remind them that love and happiness don’t come from one person. The love and happiness you are seeking must originate inside of you and only then would he want you back. No one wants someone clingy who says that they can’t live without their lover. That’s not attractive. We’re instinctively attracted to happy, caring, peaceful, self-sufficient people. People who can get knocked down and cheerfully get up again. People who have been through hell and back and who know how to take care of themselves and get to the other side.
Fifteen months and he didn’t want to involve the children? That’s a red flag for me. Why are you in love with a person who has no desire to become a family? Why would you wait a lifetime for someone who doesn’t care about merging families? And do you really think you can’t find a nice guy who would LOVE to be a part of your family and be good to your children — someone who won’t sleep with a friend of yours if you took time apart? You’re missing the people under your nose who you could achieve total happiness with because you’re so focused on this guy who can’t — and won’t — love you.
To have any chance with this guy (though if I were you, I wouldn’t want it), you must completely GIVE UP, LET GO and STOP ALL CONTACT. How long should you stop contact? Forever. Never initiate again. If there’s any decency in him, he’ll eventually realize what he’s lost and contact you himself. And if he doesn’t, then do you really want him?
If at all possible, I’d change jobs too. Leave this guy, the friend he’s sleeping with, and all that drama in the past. You owe it to your children.
Hi Jen.
Merry Christmas.
I hope you had a wonderful day with your loved ones as I did,
Didn’t spend it with my child due to us not being together ,
But I just wanted to say thank you.
Your blog has helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought there was zero hope between me and my ex and there still might not be, but I’ve come to peace that were over, and that I might not get her back, and I’m actually ok with that,
My main issue was intrusive thoughts of her with another man, and that was my own insecurities and jelousy but after making the 100% dedication to BETTER myself they are subsiding, I don’t know what’s around the corner, I could fall in love with someone else, or she could fall back in love with the brand new me, no one knows,
Your a 💎 Jen.
Merry Xmas and a hPpy new year to you and your family,
Hi Dom,
Merry Christmas and happy new year to you! You’re truly right — ANYTHING is possible for you. But without a doubt, you are a wonderful person and I KNOW there is a deep love in store for you in the future. You’ve come a long way and I’m really proud of you. Thank you for the sweet message and I wish you the happiest of holidays. I can’t wait to get updates on what life has in store for you.
Lots of Love,
Jen
Hi Jen.
Just a few questions if you don’t mind asking.
As my healing gets easier and easier everyday do women sense that there ex is over them as I swear they can see through a front I used to put on with her. As you know we have a child, so I have to see her everyday which to me does slow the process down of fully moving on,
I’ve got to the point where I’m not hoping for a reconciliation but something does tell me in my gut we defo have unfinished business, it’s a niggling feeling.
As you mentioned you thought you and c were totally over. Never to be reunited. So that does leave a small glimmer that it can Happen or maybe I’m seeing the ex now through rose tinted glasses. Exs always look more attractive when you can’t have them :).
Plus due to her shattering my confidence after I confessed my love and she told me there’s no future and she’s no Longer in love, which two months prior there was.
As I mentioned your blog was a godsend and I know it’ll take time. Setbacks are normal.
But I do think I’ve put her on a pedistal even tho I left her due to arguments and interference from her family, so why does she seem ok yet I feel worse,
Hey Dom,
I’m sure you DO have unfinished business, but your comment makes me think you have not 100% let go of her, hence the attraction to her. There is no hope until you let go.
How will you know that you’ve let go? Because you won’t think about her anymore. Letting go sneaks up on you when you haven’t even noticed. That you’re asking me this question tells me you still haven’t been able to fully let go.
Some women sense when their exes are over them, yes. I know C sensed it immediately when I was over him. It was really weird.
Setbacks are VERY normal — return to the course you put yourself on and try to stop the “magical thinking” (which is, “If I just had her back I would feel better.” Having her back will NOT make you feel better — it will in fact make you feel WORSE for a time. I plan to write a blog about this in the future, but suffice to say that getting back together is NOT the magical cure/fantasy you are envisioning).
Jen
I want to say very thank you fir created this blog. You dont have idea how yiu are have been help me in the hardest time of my live. I just started eat and sleep better bc your blog support .
Comments like this make my day. Thank you, sweetheart. ❤️
Wow. That’s the first word that comes to my mind,
It takes a special kind of woman giving hope to people who are heartbroken and in your situation you once was. Well done jen.
I’m in a dilemma myself. Me and my ex have a child together, were both 29 and to be honest I left my ex on numerous occasions due to arguments and not wanting our child to pick up on it, I’m ashamed to say I left the family home but i was, we both were unhappy,
We also had very good times, Happy memories and I seriously thought we were meant to be and so did she,
I got called her soulmate, the love of her life and her best friend, but the hardest part was that after all the arguments over time she fell out of love with me. I’m having a really hard time getting over this, I’m seeing the relationship through rose tinted glasses and having the struggle to let go as I have to see her everyday for our son,
I think what I’m trying to say is,
After numerous break ups, arguments if it’s real and true love does that ever go and in time could it Ever return,
Many thanks,
John.
Hi John,
I definitely believe that there can be at reconciliation between you, regardless of what may have happened in the past. That said, you will have to completely let her go first. Only with time and with cooled circumstances can the two of you finish the unfinished business between you.
Please read all of the comments I have written to Dom in this post, as his situation is very similar to yours.
Wishing you the best!
Jen
Thanks so much for your words.
Hi jen my name is lolla,. You don’t know me but know that you have been help me alot,with your works and positive through.
I am from outside of usa ,so my English still in proven. I confessed that l initiated my break up with my fiance. We started argue because his bad temper ,dont acceptedthat way he talk with me sometimesand his sexual issues. He have to done a operations in his sexual parts bc sometimes we have a good sex sometimes not. And this was annoying me. In beginning he tried fix it but after the doctor results come to he does the operation he stop try ,l tried my the best ,supporting he doesnt matter what . But he didnt put effort to fix it . Its have been happended sinse that beginof the rrelationshi , l have been patience of his situation but he stopped care and started fight more and more. We lived together for 3 months and one day l overwhelming when he told me he doesnt know when he will fix it .and l said we done l can’t handle this situations anymore ,l gave he 30 days to leave my house. Two days later l pickec his fone and saw he saying to his sister that l was been a b%÷×@ and uncare to adk he to leaves my house after everything he had done to me ( he help me pay my operation 4 months ago) and he has been troughs it in my face a couples times. Afther l saw this text l ask he to leave my house to same day and he did. He deny and say he was mad but in the same day we argue he text his ex who has been hit on he, that he was single. I was in shock when l descover it . We tried talk and make things work out but we done . He said we dont match. I accepted the break up as you say but still been hard. I started eat healthy and do yoga and meditation. . I don’t what to do..we dating for 17 months.
Sometimes l feel guilty for kick he out l should handle my frustrating in another way. 😦 … thanks Jen
Lolla, for now you just need to focus on yourself and feeling better before you even begin to think about fixing the issues with him. It seems like the sexual issues made you feel insecure and anxious, and that made your temper volatile.
If you really want to speak to him to have closure, you could message him saying you’re sorry for the way that the breakup happened and that you wish him the best. Otherwise, I would leave him alone and choose to only focus on yourself. You can’t fix your relationship right now. Let him go. If the two of you are really supposed to be together, time will make things better. You will see. For now, just trust the process and continue to do yoga and meditation. Things will get easier. Love, Jen
You are right Jen… l lost my patience and overrated bc l feel he doesn’t worthy our relationship. I ask he for forgiveness and told why l did it .But was too he already started made his mind to break up. So he did. In the beginning l tried to talk asking for he give a chance to us but as he said people don’t change and he is what is . I tried again one week later and he repeated the same things and said that he doesnt want kids. ( l want have ) .After l did what you said . I agree to the break up and wish the best for he. 3 weeks ago l left his mail at his doors. He text me saying that l could have nock thr door to give his mail. . I didn’t answers. If he ask me to give his alone ,why l should do it??? Huh.
l have been working in my self to be a better person ,working in my fears and insecurities. I am doing new things as yoga,meditation and tomorrow l am going to do Qigong class :)Mondays l am doing chackras healing, Wow !! This help me alot ,l feel more balanceand l stop cry already :).l still things about he ,sometimes l want he back ,sometimes not, l thing l deserve better.
Keep doing the things that make you feel good, and keep trying new things. A man is not enough to make a woman happy. We need to have friends, hobbies, ambitions, and dreams. Without these things, we will needlessly depend on a man too much. I learned this the hard way.
Thanks Jen for you words. Its make me feel more strong in my decision in Let he go and take care myself that way l deserve be with love,love and patience with myself. . As Rupaul says ” if you dont love yourself,how the hell you can love somebody else” Amem!!! Love and peace my friend Jen xoxo.
I was/still am not sure… in a 5 year long distance relationship. These past few months he’s been distant, hasn’t texted me (initiated it) i was always doing it. Finally i asked what was up and he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to commit to me, and wasn’t sure if he was in love with me. A litte shocked I guess, after a 2 weeks break i said we should take because I didn’t know what was going on, nothing has changed, he still is distant while i try to make effort to text him. He hasn’t really spoken of the future. He is seeking counselling in a few days to figure himself out. I don’t know if I stop contacting him I’ll lose him or put in the effort… and try to make things work again…
I don’t feel like there is anything between us anymore other than… the usual hello, how are you, and a bit of chit chat about our day. There are times I feel I am being desperate trying to reach our to him through email or text. So i realized he only replies to me when I text him. I don’t know if i should just stop texting him altogether.but since we are in a long distant relationship, i m not sure if that’s the equivalence of breaking up since there is already distance. Now it just feels like i’m waiting for him to break up with me. I really love him and feel sort of pathetic at the moment.
The biggest misconception about “no contact” is the thought, “I’ll lose him.”
Humans like predictability.
No-contact is unpredictable.
Unpredictability creates curiosity.
Curiosity creates the other person reaching out.
We really ARE like cats. Curiosity will break even the most difficult situation.
STOP contacting him. Guys don’t like neediness. Leave him alone completely and give it a few weeks. Possibly a few months. He’ll reach out to you.
Hi, Thank you so much for your response, I am trying it out, and it feels like i’m going insane …
I am trying not to think about him. he did contact me to say hi, then when i replied and strted talking he ignored me again, it was so weird 😦
It’s not that weird. When he doesn’t hear from you, he becomes curious about you. When you respond to him right away, he knows that he has the power again so he loses his urgency in responding to you. It sadly is all about power with him right now – you would be best off not giving him any.
HI Jennifer I wrote this a week ago, he just initiated contact with me today, I ‘m a little worried about screwing up, to be honest, I’m not very good with responding, while later i might thnk “oh i shouldn’t have said that, should have said this”
but he has reached out to me ,so I ‘m glad about that, just not sure how to handle the situation now.
-Akala
Heeey Jennifer wow this story gives me so much hope and the way you reply to each individual on a more personal level is really appreciated.
I am 20 years old and she is 17 years old. My story is that we were together for 2 years, when we reached 5 months together she moved away from her home because there were domestic problems so she relocated from being 30 minutes away from me to being 1hour 30minutes away from me and we got through it because we were still doing new things even though most of our meet ups consisted of just going to the park and hugging whilst talking for like 6-7hours (believe me we could talk for ages) it was usually me comforting her or just general talk and we had these meet ups at least once a week. This went on for 8 months. We got together in November, she moved out in April and went back to family in December. Things started to turn around for her and her family and we were still having fun. Doing new things but we started being more repetitive during the summer due to low money, we were just doing routine things and I think the buzz just faded and it became routine, so in September she wanted to end us but she didn’t tell me, she wanted to try bring the spark although she tried by herself without telling me how she felt. I was in University from September where we were 2 hours away from one another and only see each other on Sundays for 6-7hours, 4 of those hours were spent travelling to my university because it was cold, the bed was the best place to just spend the day. She then met this guy in October, and because of the lost feelings and the lost interest and fading spark she probably saw the missing fun that we had but through this guy. She began liking him but forced herself to believe she loved me and didn’t like him. In November it was our 2 year anniversary and we spoke about marriage often and so I proposed to her and she said yes and she constantly always told me how Im everything she wants and how I satisfy everything she desires in a long term relationship and in her life partner and how everything between us is amazing. This proposal was on the 16th, she then spoke to me on the 26th and wanted to end it. She told me how she’s been feeling how she’s lost interest in me, how she doesn’t see me in her future because her feelings for me have changed, how the relationship just didn’t have that amazing feeling anymore but didn’t tell me about the guy until 2 weeks later. She was then in a relationship with this guy but they were unofficial.
She was the one, and this was reflected through the whole dynamic we had in terms of helping each other up constantly through the bad times always supporting one another, accepting numerous flaws in one another and just planning a life out and being the most loyal couple. She didn’t cheat on me, she told me later on that she couldn’t lie to herself anymore, because she felt that she didn’t want me anymore simply because she had these feelings for him, and she understood that if she liked him then clearly she doesn’t like me otherwise love doesn’t just vanish like that. She is now with this guy trying to keep it low-key I’m hoping it is a rebound but I’m trying to keep my mind of her and I started NC officially 2 days ago after she kept messaging me through my Initial NC and I would break it because I wasn’t used to ignoring her but now I just told her I want time and to just give space. I am just struggling to keep my mind of her :(. I am doing me but I just need help because I know she is the one and the one thing I felt was maybe I am not the one for her because of my major flaws that she didn’t mind but she did point out such as my immaturity for my age, my immature dress sense, my low drive and so I am improving but what do I do to make her realise she did love me because I know she loved me and it just hurts for her to claim she doesnt love me anymore
Arjun,
I understand the feeling of knowing that the other person is “the one” and the breakup feels unreal…or like a huge mistake.
The only advice I can give you is that YOU can’t make her realize it was a mistake. She has to realize that all on her own. It was the same with C. I told him over and over it was a mistake…and it hurt so much when he told me that he didn’t love me as much as he used to and that he needed to be alone. There was no convincing him otherwise…even though I knew deep down that he was the man I was going to marry.
Eventually, I realized that trying to make a person want you just makes them want you less. So I left him alone completely and gave him exactly what he wanted — time alone. A few months later, when he was messaging me a lot, I just ignored him.
Arjun, you have to realize that you’re a great guy. And if she doesn’t see that right now, that’s her mistake. And you can’t convince her of that — you need to let her realize it. If she is truly “the one,” you have to trust that she WILL realize her mistake in time.
You’re doing the right thing with NC. Keep it up. Don’t answer her for any reason. If she messages you a lot, you can respond with something like, “I am not okay with the way you treated me during our breakup and I don’t wish to speak to you. While I wish you all the best, what’s best for me is to not be in contact with you at this time.” This will not drive her away. On the contrary, she will wonder about the sudden change of heart and question whether or not she’s truly lost you. It will turn the tide. You must take the power back between the two of you and never let her believe she holds the power again.
Something that gave me a lot of hope during the time C and I were apart was reading the love stores on The Secret webpage. I don’t know what it was, but reading all those stories of people who got their exes back even when the situation looked totally hopeless really inspired me. It might help you too, try googling it.
I wish you all the best, truly. Love, Jen
but she just wants to be friends and I feel scared telling her that in case she starts asking why we can’t just stay as friends or what’s wrong with just staying as friends. I have never spoken like that to her so for me to say that randomly will just seem a bit odd. Btw she just reached out to my yesterday so should I just keep ignoring her all these months. Im giving her and her boyfriend a lot of time together and I don’t want that I ignore her when she is confused about which one of us to choose from and if I’m ignoring her she will just think I don’t want her anymore so then what
Thanks
Staying in contact with her won’t work. Read the comments I have written to others. The old relationship with her must die and she must feel that she has lost you. So yes, ignore her. Otherwise, it will not turn out the way you want.
I am being told by other websites to be in NC for a month or 2 and then come back as a fake friend and then making a move in a couple months time.
Another thing is I had a lot of insecurities and doubts and things which caused us to have a lot of problems and I began losing trust in her which angered her a lot and I feel like this new guy used the problems in out relationship to deter her more away from me so I don’t know if being away from her completely is the right solution. Wadya think?
I wanted to use a month or 2 as a means of improving myself and then showing her the change and letting her decide for herself if that’s what she wants.
You must completely let her go. If you use a strategy of NC for two months and then become a “fake friend” she will SENSE that is what you’re doing and feel completely repelled by you. You can listen to anyone else on the internet but be REALLY careful to consider the source. Have those people gotten their exes back, and have they KEPT their exes?
I got my ex back, and now we’re married. How did I do it? I forgot about him, and I only worked on fixing myself…for MY sake. Not his.
Look. You’ve already lost her. She’s with someone else. So abandon your strategy and focus only, only, ONLY on making yourself happy and healing yourself of your insecurities (this will take longer than 2 months).
If you get her back in the state that you’re in (unlikely), you will just lose her all over again. I guarantee you that she’s only with the other guy because he’s more confident than you are. You can’t fake confidence. It has to be real. It doesn’t matter how nice you were to her if you were insecure.
Return to yourself and do what makes YOU happy at an individual level. No matter what you try, you will realize in the end that SHE doesn’t matter…only your happiness does, and until YOU can be happy ALONE, you’ll never be happy with anyone. You’ll always be insecure, and women will always leave you.
Learn to steadily maintain your own balance before you try to hold another person up.
There IS no other strategy that will work…there aren’t any other questions you can really ask me that I haven’t answered here.
That said, good luck to you! I hope you find your way. For you…not for her.
woooow such amazing advice 😊 Jennifer but because of my problems and the way the relarionship had changed due to the way I became doubtful I started becoming paranoid became unsociable basically became a recluse so with all those problems she left me she didn’t see a future partner in me.
How will she notice the change in me if I distance myself from her?
You don’t understand. It doesn’t matter if she notices. SHE doesn’t matter. Only YOU do. As soon as you understand this, everything will feel better.
Oh I know but what I’m saying is for her to reach out to me and want to take me back she would need to know that I am no longer that same insecure and paranoid person but in fact a confident person so if I distance myself how will she recognize this change in order for her to consider wanting to reconcile with me if that makes sense
I know exactly what you are saying. I once was in the same position. You’re still looking at it the wrong way. But all I can promise is that she will feel it. Even without speaking to you.
Please read other comments for more. Good luck!
I’ll definitely check the replies. Thank you so much Jennifer and congratulations on your beautiful change of events and your amazing will power. May you and C have a beautiful life together 😊😊
I posted a comment o.O where has my comment disappeared 😞
Your comment is still there – I just hadn’t approved it yet. Haven’t been at my computer for a couple of days. 🙂
oooh lool found it lol yeah it says ‘awaiting moderation’ don’t mind me just thought it went away and spent so long typing all that up so got scared
I replied to your comment at length this morning. Check again?
I’ve just read your post and I think it is great and really helps all the people after breakups to cope with the situation.
I stumbled upon your blog in a moment when I’ve already understood that I have to move on and ‘fix’ my own life – and am actually finding ways to do that.
The one thing that makes me wonder – and now after reading your post even more – is that do I really want my ex back?
It is because I’ve had a long term relationship and I always thought it is going to be for a lifetime. I thought we love and care for each other, we were the closest to each other – and then ‘suddenly’ it all ended in a quite bad (for me) way. For a few months I was down and desperate. I tried to understand her actions and I was ready to forgive and take her back if she onle give me a sign. I’m sure there are many that find this similar to their situation, right?
But now I’m in a point when I’m not sure if I want that person in my life anymore – I am thinking if the person did all this at the end and acts the way she does – then maybe it is not worth it? Maybe it is not the person I loved anymore? Why should I try to reconcile IF she EVER reaches out? What am I – a “life raft” for her? I mean she said ‘she doesn’t feel love anymore”, she “wants space and time to think”, to “try with others”. OK then choose and stick to your decision. I think it would be hard to take the person back – I would feel like she came back just because something went wrong with “the others” and she wants to go to a safe harbour – until next time..
What do you think of this? My full story below (sorry if it’s too long). And I must say I really thought we have something strong between us. And now it feels like it was nothing – broken just like that…
I really love/d her but how can I trust the person anymore? How do you trust her intentions?
It is really tough question for me. Although it is maybe irrelevant at this particular moment cause she doesn’t seem to care and I came to a point of losing interest – moving on – as well.
——————–
Here’s my story – I asked for advice on other sites/blogs just to see how do others see the situation.
It is because my closest family and friends (who know us both) keep on saying she is obviously not worth it and I should forget about her cause she is not a good person..
I am 34 she is 32, we were living together for 9 years. I always thought this is it, we were good together but as it is in long term relationships there was less bliss and more real life from day to day. It is not like I didn’t pay attention – I was caring, thoughtful, always there to support, flowers with no occasion just to make her happy. Unfortunately I got into some financial trouble because of my father and it all got me into depression. I become less active and had periods of sadness and no energy – obviously. That was about 2 years ago and lasts. She was really concerned and tried to help me, support. But I think she couldn’t cope anymore – can’t blame her but on the other hand we were the closest to each other so who should I ask for support if not the closest person?
About 3 months ago I came to the UK cause the company wanted me to work here in the office. We both decided that this is a good chance and I should go and wait for her to join later (as she is a doctor on the finish of her specialisation so she has to stay back home for some months yet). We both wanted to come here and build future. I came to prepare the ground for us. Everything seemed fine, we were in the contact on Skype almost everyday talking, even intimate stuff. Then she went to Portugal to visit her student sister. It was all good until she came back home. For first 2 days she didn’t have time to talk to me on Skype, then it came to a small txt fight on whatsapp and she wrote some disturbing stuff about me being better without her etc. The Next day we had a talk and it came out she wants to have a break/she doesn’t feel this anymore/she treated me like a brother for few last months/wanted to break earlier but didn’t know how to do that. And that she met a guy in Portugal, had sex with him and it is because she fell in love…
I was her first man, we were good together, wonderful sex and same interests and morals and now it all came on me shocking. I don’t think she fell in love cause she is not 15 and she knew him for few days. I think she really wanted to break and needed an impulse – and got it (she said that at some point too). Anyway she did apologise, she did feel bad and all, but she didn’t regret it and her decision to break is final. That all happened on Skype and whatsapp with me being alone in foreign country…
I thought I know her, she was not that kind of person, and now she appeared like someone with a heart of stone.. Anyway unfortunately I did beg her to rethink it and that I could forgive her but we must try to work it out. Of course with no success, she didn’t want to talk to me and told me she needs time and space and we are both free.
After about a month I went there had a talk with her (it pissed her off when I arrived at the beginning)- I was calm, but I tried to convince her and I think I was needy. I took my things from the flat and just said it is a mistake and that she took care about her. She was also in a bad condition it was very painful.
She didn’t talk about her decision to anyone, her parents and her sister ar as shocked as me but it was hard even for them to talk to her. As she was closed to any talking/ advice.
Anyway we’ve had virtually no contact since the middle of November – she didn’t care what is going on with me in spite of that she said before that she will be worried about me and stuff. We have a dog together whom she has to give her parents to take care of (cause she works a lot) and because of some issue with the dog I had to txt her (beginning of Dec) what is the problem. She was nice but distanced and didn’t even ask how am I. Unfortunately the next day we had a chat again and I said I miss her.. She said she misses me too but wants some time to rest and doesn’t want nothing now. It is about 3 months since the ‘breakup’ and I see (imagine) she is still ok with that.
I was having tough time during Xmas and New Year. I did manage to stop myself from sending her Xmas wishes first (anyway she didn’t send me anything either – like she totally forgot about me/wiped me out).
And it’s her birthday coming this week and I will be around – first thought to visit her and try to talk like adults about our options – but now I am at the point where I will not reach out myself- just send the txt.
And I am ready for not to contact her anymore.
Vtek,
You are at a real turning point in your breakup. You should feel happy! This is huge.
It was three months after my breakup with C, on the night of my birthday, when I decided that I didn’t want him back anymore. It was raining and I was sitting in a parking lot talking with one of my best friends. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I told her. “I think I’m a great girl. And if he doesn’t realize that, then you know what? I don’t WANT him back.”
From that moment, EVERYTHING turned around. Just saying those words gave me SO MUCH POWER. Suddenly, when he started messaging me a few days later, I stopped answering. I started to date someone else and I started to do things just for ME. Maybe C wasn’t going to treat me like I wanted to be treated, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t DESERVE to be treated that way. So I treated myself that way, and I only spent time with people who treated me well.
And guess what? He wanted me back within a month. The real trick after having the moment that you’ve just had is…she may sense the shift of power in you (even if you’re not talking) and want you back. The real difficulty in getting your ex back is not the attracting them back to you part. It’s what to do ONCE they want you back. If you take her back, you’ll have to rebuild trust and all of your old problems in your relationship will be right where you left them. If you don’t take her back, it could really hurt her.
By the time C came back to me, I’d gotten my power back and I actually told him “No” the first several times he asked. I was finally happy on my own and I didn’t believe he valued me.
You are near the end of the difficult part. Just in realizing that you may not actually *want* her back, you’ve taken a HUGE step forward.
Joy is right around the corner. With your ex, or without her.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Love, Jen
Thank you Jennifer for your answer. I wanted to wait and see how things go. And unfortunately I feel broken agin – after seeing my ex (though I didn’t intend to). I thought I am growing strong but I feel it all went wrong. Maybe it has much to do with the fact that I suffer from depression. Anyways maybe you’ll comment – if you get through my long post at all.
—————–
So I was back there in my home city to visit parents and friends. I’ve decided not to see my ex and reduce my contact with her to text simple Bday wishes and ask her to bring rest of my stuff to her parents’ so I can take it from there without meeting her.
She seemed ok with that, was polite and all, I was cool. She couldn’t find one of my things so we were texting back and forth but nothing other than about the stuff and about the dog (I took the dog from her parents and was staying with me for the few days). I had a small chat with her father while taking the dog from him – which was not nice but I’ve decided not to worry about it.
Then on the night before my flight home she texted me that she has found my stuff in the cellar and will bring it to her parents – she texted that at 3 am. Then asked why am I so angry that I didn’t want to meet her and anything.
In the morning I texted that I don’t think there is any purpose of us two meeting anymore – and she replied that she wanted to talk about the dog (it is all because she has found it difficult to take care of the dog being alone, working etc. but she wants to keep the dog).
I told her that I already told everything to her father and have nothing more to say about it.
She replied ok and she will not bother me anymore and that she is surprised I talk to her that way (indifferent) and what is wrong with me and she thought “we can talk like adults” (yeah but she didn’t reach out to me before). I said “you must be kidding me” – she said that I was different when contacting her before (I was very nice and interested in her) – so I said that she treated me different before also (when we were together that is) and that I am normal/neutral to her. She replied ok and maybe we should’t talk. I didn’t reply to this.
In the morning unfortunately I went to give the dog back to her parents and take my stuff from them.
I had a conversation with her father which pissed me off – let’s say he started to put the most of the blame on me etc. and blackmailed me about the dog – that I might not see the dog anymore etc.
I must add that my ex’s mother is still in a bad condition/worse than I thought – depressed because all what has happened and on meds. I’m very sorry for her but it was not my decision after all and I am the one who suffered in the first line.
OK and here is where I probably made a mistake (in terms of my mind comfort).
I was pissed because of my ex’s father so I texted her and told her I don’t like the blackmail and I hope she will take a good care of the dog.
She replied that I could talk to her personally and not her father and that she wanted to meet but I didn’t. Yeah but she never mentioned she wanted to meet!
And said she doesn’t know what about the dog and it is my decision and she doesn’t want to argue – wished me luck and safe trip home.
I was still pissed (about the dog issue) so told her ok let’s meet now outside for a minute ( she was at her parents’ and they live just by my parents so..). She agreed.
So we met. I was cool – showing no neediness or sadness (as I actually didn’t feel any of this),
she seemed cool also, not happy, not smiling – just calm. We were talking about the dog and she said that she thought we would meet for a coffee or something (yeah but she didn’t offer that before herself). Then it all went back to what has happened between us. She said she didn’t contact me during Xmas cause she thought it would renew the pain and give me hope or something. And she waited for me to send the wishes as well. She said that she want’s all the best for me.
I was rather calm and confident but unfortunately told her some unpleasant stuff also and maybe showed I have anger inside. At some point she became sad and started to weep and told about her mother that she is not well and is worried also about how I am (her mother).
Then we just went our ways – and I returned my ‘new home’.
But all this made me very sad and brought back everything. In my mind I keep seeing her standing there sad and weeping, I think she has lost weight she didn’t look too good, her eyes were ‘grey’ – without the spark. I was feeling better before – was sure I want to move on and started not to care about the past and about her. But now she is in my mind again and I feel so horrible about all this – I try to remember what she did to me and she made my suffer the horror and so I shouldn’t worry about her and her mother right now. But I can’t – I feel broken again
I feel all this (meeting) was a mistake.
Few hours later I texted her that I didn’t want it to go that way and that I am sorry I told some unpleasant stuff and it was because her father irritated me with his talking. I wish her the best and I want to shut that door. And that I wasn’t going to see her but I have a letter/email I wanted to send – and still can if she wants to read it.
Few days later I got a reply which expains her point of view and decisions/ apoligies.
She is in this new “relationship” (with the guy she ‘cheated me’ on her holidays – in the end). He is few years older, has a 9yo doughter and they live like 3000 km away in another country. But she says it is a DECENT MAN and has SERIOUS PLANS towards her…
They have seen each other for a few days (when they met during her holidays- and she said she fell in love…) and the rest must have been texting and skyping maybe… I don’t see her coming to him cause she doesn’t speak the language of the country and I don’t think she has any chance for career as a doctor there and he has his life/doughter/business there and surely will not come to her. I just can not understand how can she be so unreasonable.. I know I should live my own life but I still can not stand it if someone hurts her – I was always there for her protecting her 😦
No wonder that her mum is so extremely worried about all this and her daughter’s future that she got into depression – but it had and still has no impact on my ex’s perception.
At the end of the letter she wishes me luck and hopes that some day when I get better we can meet and talk normally. I’m not sure I should reply something to say that ‘maybe one day’ etc – to keep the lines open for the future or just go silent. Before our meeting I was quite confident about my situation and wanted to move on but now it all came back all the doubts.
Thanks so much,
Witek
Hi Jen.. l have a big admiration for you .l would like to know ,why did you deleted my post?!
I deleted the one that just said “Hi.” I’m working on answering the other comments you wrote. 🙂
Okay 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
I just wanted to let you know that your articles have helped me tremendously; thanks for sharing! When I’m wavering on how I should feel, I always re-read what you wrote and it helps motivate me to rebuild my life and move on.
My problem: since you got back your ex by moving on, I’m having difficulties fully letting go, haha. It sounds silly, but I can’t help but to hope! It’s frustrating, because I know that if I have any hope, that’s not truly moving on… I have to rebuild my life for ME, not for him. Gah. And I keep telling myself that my ex has moved on and doesn’t love me (he told me this when I last spoke to him, which broke my heart all over again… though less than a month prior to this, he told me time apart made him appreciate our relationship, and that he’s just unhappy with himself and needs to work on that. So, It’s all very confusing… Our story is a very long one: We’ ve been on and off for 10 years, but finally committed to one another over a year ago. I believe his friends/family told him recently that if he’s not sure by this point, he should let me go. I also pressured him recently, so I believe both of these things led to him telling me he has no feelings left.)…. So I have to remind myself that it’s highly unlikely he’ll ever want to be with me again. If he ever did, I think it would be years from now because he’s very stubborn when he makes these big decisions. Our relationship was rocky as well, due to my depression. We had a lot of fun and loved one another, plus our bond is very solid… we’re closer than siblings! But, there was also a lot of bad in our relationship, so I think that’s all he can see, and so he’s moving on for good. It’s very difficult for me to accept, as he’s the only man I’ve ever loved, and he’s been in my life for 14 years. I tried dating many, many times and I always end up thinking about him. He’s very unique to the rest of the male population (where I live, anyway), and I’ve become so accustomed to his quirky, flamboyant self, that the rest of the guys I meet seem so dull in comparison… And It was the same thing for him as well, thus why we decided to finally begin an adult relationship. I so badly wish I had sought help for my depression much sooner… only a week before the break up, I realized I was pushing him away, and everyone away. I’m much better these days, stable and happy, other than missing my ex. I wish he could experience the new and improved me, haha, but he’s so determined to move on.
Yikes, sorry for babbling! I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you went through, whoops! Haha. I know that the best thing to do is to stop all contact with him, as he’s never really lost me. I’ve only gone a week without texting him before! He needs to feel what it’s like to not have me around at all. And without contact, hopefully I’ll move on. I wish I could get that bit of hope out of my head though… I keep thinking NC will bring him back to me. But no, if I still have hope, he’ll sense he hasn’t really lost me. UGH. Oh no, I’m still venting! Hope your eyes aren’t bleeding, haha.
Thanks again!
Hi Marilyn,
I really, really do understand. Completely. I was there. I knew that I needed to “let go,” but I only was doing so thinking it would make him want me back. I wavered in the exact place that you’re in for months. “Well if I do No Contact for 3 months,” I thought, “will he want me back then?” It’s the worst, because even as you’re trying to forget him, your mind is working on manipulating him to want you back. It’s a total vicious circle!
C was also REALLY determined that I have no hope. It was cruel at the time, but in the end, I’m glad he said those things. They inspired me to cut ties with him and to reconnect to myself and heal the underlying issues that were sabotaging all of my relationships. I don’t struggle with depression anymore, ever, because of that really important lesson I learned during the breakup. I believe that it will be the same for you.
All I can say is that even you WANTING to let go is a huge step in the right direction. If your mind jumps to, “But will he want me back then?” redirect your thoughts to, “This isn’t about him wanting me back. This is about me letting go so that I can be happy.” Because until you let it go, you CAN’T be happy. And I would argue that your happiness is MUCH more important than any romantic relationship you’re in. Despite how wrong this all feels, it is a huge life lesson wrapped up in a bow for you. When it all resolves itself, despite how contrary this sounds, you will be SO GRATEFUL for this time in your life — whether he comes back or not. That, I can promise you.
If he is determined to move on, let him. It means he’s currently being an idiot.
The fact that you WANT him to see that you’re happier is a step in the right direction. My experience has proven that even if he can’t see that you’re doing better, in some weird way, he CAN feel it. So keep getting happier. Keep facing your depression. Be willing to face all of these practically unbearable feelings. You will be stronger for the rest of your life as a result of the hard internal work you are doing RIGHT NOW.
Your next step is being happy without caring if he knows or not. And that will come, I promise. The day will come when you won’t want to say his name or think about him anymore. You will get so sick of yourself being obsessive, and you will just want to be happy for your own sake. It WILL come…you’re nearly there. I know it feels unending. But you are almost there. ❤ Good luck.
Thanks so much for your lovely reply! It was so detailed and thoughtful; I may have cried a little… haha. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now, but still, I really appreciate everything you said.
It is a vicious cycle! It’s SO frustrating and I’m driving myself crazy. One minute, I’m telling myself it’s time to move on and I have to stop hoping that moving on will make him want me again. He’s told me not to hope and that he has no feelings. And then I think back to how rocky our relationship was… and how there’s no way he’ll want to try again. All he’ll see is that he didn’t want me for years, and then we tried to have a relationship, and he loved me, but it wasn’t the kind of love he’d hoped for. And there’s also too much going against me and our relationship for him to ever consider it: with all of my needy past behavior, my depression, me not getting to know his family and friends because of my anxiety/depression…. There’s nothing to want.
But then my stupid brain tells me, “Marilyn, don’t be silly, there’s no such thing as IMPOSSIBLE! Think about LOA and that article you read (http://www.powerfulintentions.org/forum/topics/yess-you-can-attract-your-ex) and about Jennifer’s story! If you just live your life, maybe your best friend will be back”
And I also think about all of the good times we shared, and that he’s a smart man… he must know that It’s possible for my depression to improve, and that that was the cause for all of my negative traits! Gah. So that gives me hope… and here I am struggling between letting go fully, and then just “fake” letting go. God damnit, this cycle is the worst!
Also, when I lean towards having zero hope, I feel so incredibly depressed, so it’s hard to stick with this mind set. I can cope with the thought of us not being together for a year, or just “for now”… but when I come to the conclusion that he’ll NEVER want me again, I panic. Because (and I know EVERYONE says this, but it’s seriously true in my case! Haha), I honestly don’t believe I’ll have another serious relationship with anyone else. I have tried dating for 10 years, and I could not fall in love. He’s the only man I’ve loved and I truly believed we’d be together for forever. Whiiiich leads me back into thinking that I should follow my gut, and believe that we will be back together one day, haha. It’s quite pathetic.
I also have moments of just appreciating that I was loved by him once, and just cherish those memories. I was lucky that I got to experience that, and if I don’t have it again, that’s okay. I can still be happy with just friends, right? I can focus on my career, and other things. It’s tough though, as my happiness has always stemmed from my love for people… It’s a problem. I am so dependent on this person and I need to grow without him; I realize the break up was a blessing, because I HAVE to learn how to be happy without him. My dependency on him is so unhealthy! I know I’ve already come a long way, because I rarely think of suicide (I was that low, yes. The pain was unbearable) and I’m excited/afraid to try to rebuild my life. Though once and awhile the panic sets back in and it suckssss.
I’m babbling again, sorry! I don’t even know what the point of me writing to you is… I know that the right thing to do is to try my best to stop thinking about him, to let go, and to make a life without him. I think by writing on here, and by thinking about everything, I’m procrastinating rebuilding my life. I’m afraid of the unknown, and letting go. I think I’m afraid of moving on, in a way? Everything is hard! I’ve relied on this person for so long, and now I’m on my own. I have to face my fears and improve myself, and hope that by doing this I will become happy… orrrr the other option is I drown, and sit here and think and think, and continue to loathe myself and all of my mistakes… I will push everyone away further, and end up discovering my ex has a family, and then probably off myself, haha. That’s not the future I want! I want to become strong and I want to be happy on my own. If he doesn’t come back, I want to be okay when I find out my ex is in love with someone new. I don’t want to crumble to pieces.
And I am already tired of obsessing; I’m tired of saying his name. I want to stop thinking about him, and I do sometimes… but then something triggers my sadness and I long for him and look at social media stuff (so terrible), and ugh. I need to stop. He doesn’t want me, so why should I give him this power. I’m in charge of my happiness, not him.
Oh jeez, this message is never going to end, is it? Haha.
Thanks again Jennifer! You’re so kind for replying to strangers. You’ve helped me more than you know!
-Marilyn
Hey jen hope all is well,
I’ve not posted for a while as I’ve been feeling really positive,
Having a tad bad day tho, obviously going to see the ex to see my son most days but then I leave feeling depressed as we should be a family, it’s getting easier seeing my ex but some days I just want to tell her can we start again,
But refraine from doing so,
I think the most frustration for me is not knowing how she feels. Does she want us to try, is she missing me, or am I seeing her through rose tinted glasses.
(I left her)
I know I’m not fully over her and I know it takes time but I just have a niggling feeling something isn’t over and I can’t put my finger on it, I just want this to go and me to look at her and not feel anything not sonetimes longing for her.
I said in a few posts that I find it difficult she on numerous occasions called me her soulmate and the love of her entire life now it feels just weird it’s over,
I know you’ve read the same posts just having a off day,
Dom 💎
Jennifer I tried keeping myself to myself until this happened. I am now stuck again 😦
So basically she reached out to me on Saturday saying:
‘Hey don’t Ignore me :(‘
‘You didn’t even reply to my other messages 😥 :|’
I read these messages on Sunday and she then said ‘:|’ and I read that message to which she then said ‘You’re just being hella rude now’
I couldn’t take that the she was still reaching out to me so I had to just tell her that I asked for space. I asked why she is still popping up to me despite her telling me that she was alright with the whole needing distance and she replied ‘well I didn’t know it was this long’ so I replied ‘hmm well it’ll take quite a bit of time’ and she replied ‘well I miss you’, I then said ‘Im just accepting the break up tbh’ and she said ‘Yh I know’ ‘But I still miss you’
She eventually told me how she is stressed because her boyfriend doesnt know about her insecurities and that she’s scared how he is going to react. She told me how it was different for me and her because I knew her insecurities before we got together whereas with this guy she said that ‘He seems good with stuff he’s seen like my scars he was perfectly okay but what if he cant handle the fact that I’m still doing it or that I still feel the same’. I told her that if he handles it well then he’s good whereas if he doesnt handle it well then he’s clearly not good in the long run.
I then just ended the conversation and told her good luck so that she would reply and would have the last say.
I have no idea what I have to do from now onwards because the only reason that I gave her that advice was because at one point I was constantly saying how I was just accepting the relationship and how its her problems. She told me she feels like she lost one of her ‘fucking best friends’ I said I cant do anything because she is now her and I am me, we are no longer together. To which she replied ‘you’re just being a prick’ so I felt all defensive and had to be nice so that she wouldn’t have a bad image of me. I wanted to keep a positive image in her mind regarding what she thinks of me, I want her to think positive of me as opposed to being a ‘prick’ in her eyes.
What do I even do to get the power back in my court from now.
I am still working on myself but regarding working towards reconciliation whats next.
You actually have the power now. Her being mad at you, believe it or not, is a GOOD thing. Trust. You did the right thing!
I just gave her advice which might work. He didn’t mind her scars so why would he mind other insecurities? He will just pretend if anything that the insecurities do not pose a problem just so that he can continue being with her. So what do I do from this point on
regarding NC or just anything?
She did then upload a profile picture saying ‘oh, there goes all the fucks I give’
Hi jen,
Quick update,
Things going really well at the moment, me and the ex are getting on really well,
Get the odd day where I feel like s##t and want her back then I redirect my thoughts, really hard but I have too,
IS it normal to see a ex through rose tinted glasses like they were the best thing to ever happen to you, even tho everyday is getting easier and easier I do somehow slip into wondering how she feels and convince myself she’s fine and really wanting this, maybe once i really get my confidence that was shaken back to top it wouldn’t be such a huge issue,
Hope all is well across the pond ,
Hey Jen,
So me and my ex broke up in July (bad breakup) very bad. He some how managed to weasel his way back in around ending September. We used to live together and I moved out last Feb but before we broke up I was the only one visiting (flying to him). Are relationship was actually great until I moved in with him. Maybe he checked out last year really. Before we broke up we were scheduled for a vacation last August so I thought we were okay. When he got back in contact with me he would initiate the calls, face time, etc., He came to where I live because of a wedding and he stayed with me. Didn’t invite me to the wedding though, which was so hurtful but I didn’t express that in order to maintain our peace. If I knew we weren’t getting back together I would have never let him come to my new place or least let him sleep on the couch. I was still intimate with him, which really sux. He left a couple of days before NYE and funny thing is he calls me every single day. I went to a game with my sister and he knew that. I am no longer friends with him because when he broke up with me summer time he deleted me. (More hurt) Never cared to add me back although he communicated with me daily. I did make a fake Instagram (IG) acct just to see his profile. His IG looks like hes enjoying himself, working out alot, new friends. It was weird that he didn’t call me one night and so I just logged on to the fake IG acct and he was in New York City! My heart dropped because he didnt mention it to me, he didnt say anything. Matter fact he called me from the back of a taxi and pretended like it was his friends car and they were dropping him off. (I just wondered how did you become such a liar and why?) He was just talking about vacation time after I mentioned I needed a vacation. I just felt all along he was he was keeping secrets and maybe he went to NY to see another person. I was hurt and I let him know, yes I told him I knew because his Priceline is tied to my name and I was getting emails (yea, I lied). There was a girl that he did visit that used to make us argue last year and he went to see her, she posted a pic on her IG. (In my mind he has moved on to her, although its way further from him than I was) We both live in TX. Well, I told him that I would no longer be hurt and he is not the person I once knew. After that I didnt even care to hear his voice because his txt mssg were mean and brought back old memories of our breakup. He brought up the past and since then I just decided its best for me to grieve the relationship and let go…I have not fully let go yet. He did try calling me and I ignored. I been ignoring his txt. Every time i see his message in my mind, I just tell myself that there is an angle to his madness. His last txt was last Monday, telling me he didnt want to burn bridges. I have no earthly clue what that means. Anyway, I just ignored I promised my self by Feb. 14th coming I would just release everything and let it go. I really do love him but hes changed alot. I tried talking to other ppl yet but I think I should give myself time. Also deleted his number but he messages me on Whatsapp, I guess to see if his messages are being read by me. They are but I just have nothing left to say, he broke up with me anyway initially told me that there is no more love. The other day I logged on to my Skype only to see that he changed his pic…Im trying hard to get myself to delete him on there. I given my self no choice by the 14th of Feb I will delete him. His 32, Im 29…Our birthdays are both in April one week apart so it will be hard not to think of him around that time. I feel like my heart will always long for him but some way some how I must let it be…
Sorry if my story seems rambled…
Thanks
Hi jen
Hope all is well. Found out ex gf seeing someone and it’s set me back, is there still hope or not. Really hit a low set after doing so well.
She told me it would take a long time for her to meet someone and get hit with this over text,
It’s really set me back,
Hi Dom, I’m sorry to hear that. I think life is forcing you to move on, whether you want to or not. Stop wondering if there’s still hope and truly, once and for all, accept that the two of you are over. I know it hurts. But there’s not really another option. If there’s hope in the future for you two or not, it won’t be accessible to you unless you truly let her go.
I know your right. Re read how you met someone new after 6montjs and this is how long it’s been for us,
It’s just a very surreal feeling, it’s like I’ve been replaced, These are her words, (We still argued all the time. I wasn’t happy & I wasn’t going to live like that anymore. I shouldn’t have to wonder what things were going to be like on a daily basis. Or whether or not you’d walk out . It’s not the life I want I’m sorry)
When you and c we’re apart was there any point you thought it’s truly over and did you find out he met someone, If so how did you accept it,
Your right tho somethings telling me to move on,
Thanknyou
I thought it was really over with C from the beginning. I’ve told you that before.
He went on a few dates with others (which hurt) but it never got serious. I was the one who was relatively serious with someone else to try to help myself move on.
Now, more than ever, you have to decide to work on yourself so that you never lose anyone again the way that you lost your ex. You need to learn to handle your emotions and be stable. How to stop arguing with those close to you. And you need to be the best father to your son that you can be.
Hi Jennifer,
I’m really struggling with moving on still. I know it needs to be done and he’s not coming back, but I keep dwelling.
I have one question for you: how did you date someone so soon even while you knew you still loved your ex? I’ve met someone, and I know he’s attractive and has a ton of great qualities, but I have no desire to pursue him. I enjoy his company, but the thought of being sexually intimate repulses me. We kissed, and I know he’s a good kisser, but I felt nothing and didn’t want to continue. I’m worried that i’ve been brainwashed because I was with my ex for so long, and have just gotten used to him. I feel like forcing it and hoping I start to develop deeper feelings for this guy, but I don’t know if it’ll happen.
Before my ex and I committed to each other, we were on and off for years. I tried dating many people throughout that time and it was the same thing… I never enjoyed sex with anyone else and would push people away after getting intimate 😦 I think i’m seriously messed up, and it sucks.
Should I just stay single for forever and not attempt dating? Or force it and hope i become attached and develop feelings? Haha. I know i’m not over my ex, and lots of people say to wait to date before you are, but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever really get over him completely. He’s made such a huge impact on my life, he was my family.
I’m worried i’m dating for the wrong reasons too… I have to see my ex at a party in a couple months, and I wish I could show up with confidence, having moved on and with someone else I care about, haha.
Ugh. This really sucks.
If the guy you’re seeing is attractive but you don’t like kissing him, you’re not attracted to him — it doesn’t matter what he looks like. Cut it off.
I was able to date someone else once I gave up on my ex completely. I believed that I was worthy of love and that life would bring me someone who would make me laugh and help me heal. And it did. That person also was willing to take things slow.
Don’t rush it, obviously. And don’t force anything! I would go on lots of dates and meet lots of people…not just spend my time with one guy.
As long as you tell yourself that you’ll never get over you ex, you never will. You’ll keep yourself in emotional bondage. If you believe you’ll be able to let go, that the universe is kind and will heal your heart, and that among the billions on this planet that there are at least 500,000 men who can love you deeply, make you laugh and feel attracted, important and worthy…that’s what will happen.
As hard as it is to hear, it’s your addiction to the sad feelings surrounding your ex that is keeping you miserable. To assume that on the entire planet, NO ONE ELSE could make you feel the way your ex did (or better) is not only preposterous but putting your ex on a pedestal that he DEFINITELY doesn’t deserve to be on. He’s just a man. Trust me. I love C, I’m glad we gave it another go and we are a wonderful fit for each other, but had he not come back, I have zero doubt that I would have found total, blissful happiness elsewhere. I believe I deserve that, so my life brings me that constantly.
Hey Jen,
I’m in the same boat as Marilyn… Still struggling, now a year and half later. I did read through all of your comments, and followed the advice you gave to the best of my ability.. It’s a constant battle of retraining my thoughts to focus on being happy alone while everyone around me seems to have found the love of their lives.
It’s difficult for me to think I wasted 5 years on him, and now we’re both 30 yet he has already been with someone for a year now. I don’t see how things could ever change that he’d come back feeling the pressures of age to get married etc…, and investing a year into this other woman. It’s been 8 months since I last Twitter stalked him, and I kinda feel like if I knew he was planning to marry her, I could really move on, but then I also don’t want to go back to the state I was in, when we first broke up (crying every day, not eating, etc..)
Looking in hindsight, I do believe you were absolutely right in your response several months ago, that we needed to break up. I needed to mature, and grow and let go of the immature, needy, controlling of his time crap.
I guess what Im asking is that do you think it would help to check on his “status” or should I continue to focus my thoughts on moving on and letting go?
Do you really believe in the whole “if it’s meant to be, it will be” sayings?
Thanks so much Jen!
❤ Nicole
It won’t help to check the status; you’ll only hurt yourself. You MUST decide that YOU are done, not find out that HE is done. Does that make sense? Until YOU take control, you’ll never move on.
I believe that our thoughts and feelings are creative — literally, I believe they create our circumstances like a super strong magnet. So if we are in a strong and powerful place, powerful things happen to us. It almost seems magical. If we feel weak and pathetic, our lives will mirror that back to us. I still forget this sometimes and a string of “bad” things will happen to me. If I realize and check the thoughts I’ve been thinking, I always find that I’ve been thinking/behaving “below the line” (negatively, critically, jealously, etc).
I believed C and I were meant to be, but when he didn’t even say anything to me on my birthday one year, I decided that the universe would not be as cruel as to put me with someone who would be so thoughtless about my feelings. I believed I was capable of a big love, and deserving of one. So I decided to be done, regardless of thinking we had been “destined” for each other. So I stopped saying his name, I deleted him everywhere, and I forbade my friends from mentioning him. That’s when the magic happened. Not because he changed, and not because we were meant to be. It was because I changed.
You have to change. You’re still not getting (and Marilyn isn’t either) that this is not even about him. If it was about him, he’d still be with you. You must own that (even though it hurts) and then choose to become the person that something like this will never happen to again.
Thanks Jen- I’m grateful for your advice and experience. It really does help to hear it from another perspective and helps encourage me to refocus on thinking positive again.
One other question… Friends have said I will regret this years down the road when I look back, but I’m thinking about throwing all the notes/letters/cards I collected away. I have them shoved in the back of a closet now, but I kinda feel like it could help let go. Do you think that’s the right thing to do?
For all of the advice/help you’ve given everyone on here, I hope that happiness, love, and many wonderful things come your way. You definitely deserve some good karma 🙂 for all of the time you invest in this blog helping us broken hearted.
❤ Nicole
P.S. Hope it's okay if I leave you updates from time to time!
You are very welcome.
You’re still asking your friends and me for advice. But remember, this is about you. I might give you advice and it’s the worst advice ever, for YOU.
Do YOU think you should throw them out?
This sounds silly, but close your eyes and ask Future Nicole. I have done this tons of times and I’m often surprised with the wisdom that bubbles up.
Does Future Nicole think it would be cathartic to throw them out? Does she think you should burn them? Maybe she thinks you should store them at a friend’s house for a firm period of one year? Maybe she thinks you should drive fast down the road and scatter them in the wind? Or maybe she’ll tell you to get a safe with a lock and put them in there…and then throw away the key. Or give it to someone you trust. The point is, the part of you that is timeless KNOWS.
I can tell you this — I burned some of C’s letters. He threw everything I gave him out. Did it hurt one another to discover we’d done that? Yep. Did we blame the other person? No.
That said, when I moved recently, I found letters I’d kept from my first love. We’re long out of touch now, but it stung to find them, and I wished I’d thrown them out ten years ago. I kept two things he made me and I threw everything else (sadly) away. Sometimes you think Future You will be ready to go through that stuff later, but you may not ever be. And really — what’s the point?
I want to keep putting the power back in your hands because it IS yours, and that’s where it belongs. Deep down, you know the answer to all your questions. Trust yourself. ❤️
Thanks so much for your reply Jennifer.
I know you’re right, there has to be someone else out there who I will love, I just know it’s going to be difficult to find. The town I live in is small, and my ex is very unique. He’s very… animated, and different. Kind of like a girl, haha. I grew up with this guy who has such a weird, quirky personality and now everyone else seems so boring. BUT, I know I have to open myself up to new people.
The guy i’m currently seeing is attractive, and intelligent, and fun…we have lots in common. I know he’s a good catch so it’s bothering me that I don’t want to be intimate with him. I’ve only met one other guy in my life that I enjoyed kissing, despite loving my ex, but our personalities are so different. He’s into partying and is very extroverted… I can’t see us dating seriously, but my body responds to him. Should I pursue that guy?? haha. Gah. It’s frustrating.
I am addicted to my ex and these sad feelings, I know. I really need to take him off the pedestal I’ve placed him upon.
Thanks for all of your advice, you’re very kind. ❤
Hi Jen. I found your blog during the first few hazy days of my break-up and now (5 weeks later) I’ve re-read it and am so in love with this mind-set — and you! I love how you take the time to respond to everyone and seem so spot-on!
So, here’s my situation:
My ex boyfriend and I (both 28) were together for about a year and a half. 7 months of that he was deployed in Australia, although we either texted, spoke, or FaceTimed almost every single day. We started having trouble not long after he got back from deployment. It was a lot of things, I think; we went from being apart but communicating constantly to a full-blown but less communicative in-person relationship with a lot of moving parts overnight. He was re-stationed 3 hours away almost immediately after returning (making us long-distance again), it was the holidays so we were juggling both our families and careers, and I had some health problems that really took a lot out of me, so emotionally I needed a lot from him at this time and was really resentful when I didn’t get that support as my whole life in the 3 months that he was back before we broke-up basically revolved around finding him a house, moving him, his social obligations with the Marine Corps, time with his family/friends who also hadn’t seen him in 7 months, etc.
I thought we were working through things together though until he broke-up with me out of the blue one day while I was at was work. He was crying VERY hard over the phone and all I was really able to take away from the conversation was that “something didn’t feel right” and that he didn’t feel we were a “good fit” anymore. He blocked me for about about a week on Facebook and even flew home to be with his family because he was so upset.
After about a month of almost no contact, we reconnected on Valentine’s Day — I iniated, weakly — and have been texting almost like normal ever since. Both of us seem pretty miserable, frankly. We’ve both been trying to keep things light and upbeat, but the feelings are definitely there… Reminiscing and pet names were starting to slip through and such, and then last night he actually asked me if I was on a date (which I wasn’t, but he said it was okay if I was).
We have been talking about talking about the break-up when he’s “ready,” but for some reason him asking me that question last night makes me feel like he’ll just let me chase him forever and still never really let me in…
I know I need to walk away and make myself the priority I never was in the relationship, but do I directly tell him I don’t want to have that conversation anymore or just go radio silent?
Any perspective would be helpful. Keep up the lovely writing ❤️
– Mallory
P.S. I should also probably add that we were talking about me relocating and moving in with him within the next 6 months… Again, he wasn’t ready, but I felt he needed to commit to some sort of timeline as certain other aspects of my life were effectively on hold with a possible move in the near future. This was something I really felt I had to stand-up for myself on and I feel like it backfired?
Hey Mallory,
This is something that’s very common with men. I think it was easy to be so close during the 7 months he was deployed because he didn’t fully “have” you — so the talking and Facetiming was, in a way, him continuing to chase you.
Once he was back, several realities set in — how to readjust to being here, finding a home, picking up friendships he might have neglected, etc. In his mind, HE was the one who needed your support; in your mind, YOU were. Hence the relationship not feeling right, or fun, or how it used to. Reality set in and as someone who is married now, I can tell you that commitment is ALL about support and not necessarily getting resentful if you don’t get it.
The red flag here is that he said recently that it would “be okay” if you were on a date. Not good. Did he 100% mean it? Probably not, since he was bold enough to ask you (he was thinking: “Is she seeing other men and I don’t know about it?”). But him saying it was okay is NOT the answer you want to hear, so something needs to switch.
You’re right in that he’ll let you chase him forever. And men do not like to be chased. The more you do it, the less he’ll respect you. Eventually, you WILL hear the “I’ve met someone else” line from him. It is why you will see less-than-super-attractive men going after super-hot women. Men hunt. And women like to be hunted. That’s probably why this situation feels so yucky to you — it’s reversed.
If I were you, I would say that you’ve done some thinking and that while it’s nice to have been in recent contact with him after how hard the breakup was, that you realize you need to move on completely and meet other people, and in order for you to do that, you need some space. Tell him you really care about him and wish him the best but that you recognize that the breakup occurred for a reason and that you owe it to yourself to find someone more suited to you. (Yes. You want it to actually sound like you’re saying there’s something wrong with him. Do NOT take the weak position in this communication with him.)
Don’t tell him how long the time-frame is. You WANT him to wonder. And you WANT him to wonder if you’ve already met someone. Don’t give any answers; don’t explain (it’s the biggest mistake we make during breakups to assume that they want to know everything we’re feeling — being vague and distant is a 100% better method).
And then don’t contact him. Ever.
He’ll contact you. Trust me.
If you do get back together, you’ll have a LOT of shit to work through. This is the ugly advice I have to give. Sometimes, when someone has some commitment issues like your ex does, it’s really better to try to move on. Once he’s back, you’ll always be scared that he’ll do it again. It took well over a YEAR for me to even BEGIN trusting C again and I constantly asked myself if it was worth it. Even when we were engaged, I had big moments of being doubtful and afraid. It took pre-marital counseling and so.much.talking to get through it and it was seriously so difficult.
Tell him you need the space (because you actually do) and that you’re moving on (because you need to at least try). If 8 weeks of silence doesn’t give him a wake up call, you don’t want him anyway.
You’re only 28; there’s still so much time to find someone who won’t freak out when you need some support. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that men get the short end of the stick. There are good, supportive, decent, fun, smart, wonderful men EVERYWHERE. We think there’s a shortage for some reason. There isn’t!
Good luck. ❤
UGH. HELP. I replied to your reply yesterday but not sure that it went through as my iPhone is being batty and logging me out of everything and I’m newish to WordPress, but he has now initiated contact twice since then – he’s sad we didn’t get to see this new movie together and had a dream about me, blah blah blah – so I’m literally sitting on my hands not wanting to make the wrong move, LOL…
Here is said reply to your reply again, just in case –
Hi Jen.
Thank you so much more your reply. I appreciate the honesty and perspective more than you know, and am 100% onboard.
2 quick logistical questions, though, because I really want to get this right for myself and be able to hold my head high and with some grace:
1. He has not initiated contact since that night, although the conversation did not necessarily end on a bad note. After he asked if I was on date – to which I said, “I don’t think so? I honestly didn’t even think about it that way and wouldn’t be texting you if I was…” – and he said that it was OK, he very quickly said he didn’t want to talk about it and changed the subject. We had more of our usual banter and then said our goodnights. I do feel he will eventually reach out at some point to have “the conversation,” though, even if only to ease his conscience as I know multiple mutual friends have been brutally honest with him about the fact that they feel the way he ended things was both selfish and cowardly, and that he led me on and let me make a lot of sacrifices for our relationship only to panic when life got real and complicated. He’s already told me I’m the best relationship he’s ever had and that’s he’s never been closer to anyone, he just needs some time to think about the things he wants to say to me… So do I beat him to the punch and say I don’t even want to have said conversation anymore or wait quietly until he brings it up? I just feel I’ve been initiating ALL communication since the break-up and don’t want to give him that power even one more time. Like you said, something needs to switch.
2. I also think he’ll eventually contact me regarding a lot of my things left at his new house 3-hours away (including breakables and small pieces of furniture). I don’t care if I never see these things again, to be honest, but he apparently can’t stand anything that reminds him of me… Thoughts on how to make that work for me?
Thanks again. I’m definitely past the wallowing stage and feeling much better day-to-day, but respecting myself again after letting someone who supposedly “loves me more than [I’ll] ever realize” treat me that way (yes, I recognized a lot of our issues as they were happening and ignored my gut the WHOLE time) is where I’m still doing a lot of self-work.
Working my way through the rest of your blogs and am loving them 🙂
Hugs, Mal
Just trust yourself. You know what the right and wrong moves are. If it feels weird to ignore his contact, then answer him. Ignore anything he says that’s emotional and stick to facts. When he asks what’s wrong (which he will because he expects warmth from you), tell him your version of what I told you to. When he asks about your stuff, tell him not to worry about it (leave the door open). It’ll all be okay. Just relax.
Hey jen I hope all is well,
Update for you.
I FEEL GREAT. Time is a beautiful healer, the last few weeks it’s been like a sheet has been lifted over me and it’s like I’m a new me, the ex doesnt seem like she’s got a hold on me and I feel I’ve got my mojo and power back,
I know it’s all going to be good, and confidence shows,
Thanks for all your help and words and sorry I repeated so many of the same things I was in a horrible axiety bubble which I’ve popped, 🙂
Your a 💎💎
Thanks again for the spot-on advice, Jen.
I trusted my gut, him and I have spoken twice over the phone now and we got to a point where I set things down and am committed to letting them lie, but I don’t know… I suppose I thought I would feel like a weight had been lifted or something, but it’s just so heartbreaking to me how shut-down he is, and makes me wonder if he ever REALLY loved me or if he was just going through the motions because I made it so easy for him. Even if we reconciled, I agree with you in that I don’t believe he’ll ever be willing (or even capable of) doing the work our relationship would need to be a successful one. I am beyond hurt and just generally frustrated. I really felt that I had put my best foot forward in this relationship. I can’t stress enough how hard I’ve been working on myself over the last few years as a result of deciding I wanted better relationships all around – my family has been through a LOT and I’ve observed the ill-effects of not deal with your sh*t in my parents and surviving sister all too closely – so the demise of this relationship, with the guy I felt so strongly was “The One” feels like it’s undoing all of that work. I just want to scream and break something. All I’m hearing from everyone around me (including my ex) is that I’m beautiful and smart and strong and deserve so much and that I did everything right… and I STILL got my heart broken, as though there simply must have been something intrinsically wrong with me. It’s an old, defeatist, typical child-of-divorce habit that I thought I had shaken, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like damaged goods at this point.
My ex was (is?) my favorite person, my best friend, and the first person I ever felt confident actually building a life/family with, and for there to have been something “missing” for him has been a real bullet to my self-esteem and outlook, and I am SO MAD AT MYSELF for every little thing I misread along the way.
I wonder sometimes if I’m actually a lot more broken than I think I am and have just fooled myself into believing things like I’m making progress, or that everything happens for a reason, or that I’m better for these experiences, etc.
Mostly though I know it’s just been a bad day. Maybe I just needed to vent and put my worst insecurities down in writing to see how ridiculous they actually are…
*sigh*
I know this isn’t punishment but training. I know I am the most powerful when I embrace exactly where I am at. I know that I was built for a great love and that it will come to me in its time. I know I’ll feel joy again. Just not today, and that’s okay.
Thanks for listening. Writing this and re-reading all the comments on here has been amazingly therapeutic. You really are helping people. That’s a real gift – and a priceless one at that ❤
Your last paragraph says everything that I would have responded to you with. It is NOT punishment, and you shouldn’t be mad at yourself. You’re not damaged goods…not any more than the rest of us are. You’re capable, and deserving, and GOING TO HAVE, a great love…whether with your ex or someone else. I can PROMISE you that.
A lot of your comment was written from being “in your head.” Like, you’re letting the totality of your consciousness reside there and speak on your behalf. The last paragraph came from the heart. When you feel yourself getting really anxious, ask yourself who you’re listening to — head, or heart. The head is always neurotic and fearful. When you listen to your heart, it may be sad, and it may hurt so much that it is physically painful (hence the term broken heart), but there’s a wisdom that comes from the heart that will reassure you that this is only temporary. Listen to it.
During my breakup, I read stuff like what I’m saying to you now and I thought it was all bullshit. Yet here I am, speaking from the other side. My heart knew, even with all the lies and fear my head was screaming 24/7, that time would heal it and bring me an even greater love. The longer I stayed attached that my great love be my ex and only my ex, the more I suffered. Once I was just able to trust that I would love again and it didn’t matter if it was C or not, the whole world exploded open for me.
Try to forgive your ex. I have no doubt that he deeply loved, and still does love you. Issues and baggage are getting in the way for you both. Release the baggage and tend to your heart. This time in your life will feel like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s only an instant.
Hi Jen!
Figured I owed you an update:
So the ex (?) came to see me about a month ago. Wined and dined me and at the end of it we had a really good talk – and have had a couple of really good dates/talks since then. Basically, he wasn’t ready to move in together because to him that meant a proposal needed to follow shortly. (Literally ALL of his friends either recently got engaged, married, or are having a baby and he’s nowhere near ready for any of that, so I think he had something of a panic attack…) He also didn’t know how to communicate a lot of these feelings to me because he’s a people pleaser who likes to be “perfect,” the perfect Marine, the perfect son, and so on.
I told him that wasn’t fair – to let me be the only one being honest and expressing my concerns and essentially being “the bad guy,” to which he agreed and apologized for, as well as for a lot of other things that I thought were completely beyond his grasp.
Long story short, we’re dating each other again exclusively and taking things slow, trying to let the relationship happen more organically now that we don’t have a coming deployment or a move rushing our decisions. He’s not ready to call it a “relationship” quite yet though, which I’m fine with (for now) because frankly he needs to earn my trust back and I still need to figure out for myself if this is really what I want. I told him point-blank that if we officially did get back together it would only be with the understanding that we want/see the same future together and are both 100% committed to making things work this time around. Definitions and timelines aren’t so important to me, but the feeling that we’re in it completely together is.
It’s a crazy summer for us both in terms of our schedules but we’ve planned a bunch of little adventures (baseball games, hikes, Disneyland for our birthdays, etc.) and are really enjoying that time together, so fingers crossed. Reminding myself to trust the Universe and just be in the moment. What happens happens.
Thank you again for being such a great sounding board!
~ Mal ❤
I’m really glad for you! You did the work and now you can see him for who he really is, and you can come from a place of empowerment (knowing what you want and what you won’t settle for) and CHOICE. And really, you’re doing what you should be — just having fun. Someone told me once that your lover should really be an adventure partner — someone you have adventures and fun with above all else. Life is serious enough on its own; you don’t need to make your relationship super serious too!
I truly wish you the best in everything! ❤
Hi jen.
The last few weeks I’ve felt great, but I’ve had a minor setback, I think its because it’s truly sunk in its done.
Do you think relationships are fully over or that anything down the road is Always possible,
I’m in a ok place not like I used to be at all, but still I have a 1% hope that one day if we once truly loved each other which we did that could return regardless that she’s met someone and so have I,
Dom, I’ve answered this for you before. 🙂 Trust that it’s all going to be okay and all going to make sense. Every time you have a setback, remind yourself that setbacks come from holding on, and moving forward comes from letting go. Let go. –Jen
Congrats that it happened to you! Not everyone is that lucky. How long did it take you to let go?
My ex broke up with me in March 2012. I begged and pledged him until July 2014. Stopped all contact Since then, he contacted me about the money I loaned him last month. I didn’t respond, he sent me another text in the beginning of feb. Saying he can drop the check off when no one is home. I gave him my account for electronic transfer instead. I haven’t heard from him since then. No money was deposited either.
Correction: Broke up March 2013
Not everyone is that lucky, nor should everyone be that lucky. I’m 33 now, so I’ve obviously had plenty of other exes besides C. Not all of them tried to come back, but most of them did. I truly believe no contact is the way to make that happen. Begging and pleading is the most effective way to delay any kind of reconciliation. I learned that the hard way with C.
We were apart for six months. It took me four months of crying every day to let go. And letting go didn’t come because I was ready to; it came because I chose to. That doesn’t mean it didn’t still hurt like hell. It did. I wasn’t over it, but I had let go.
Sounds like your ex got curious about where you’d gone and used the money as a way to get you to answer. Not an uncommon tactic.
Im really finding it hard. Its been 4 months and he has a new girlfriend. Hes told me he fell out of love with me. His feelings changed…for.many reasons. I do understand. He moved on to her after a few weeks. Irs hard, its really hard. I tell myself he needs time to miss me…but i think 4 months is enough…and hes not back yet.
I know now isnt the right time for us but i cant shake the feeling that he will be back in my life. I do think he wasnt 100% about it..but wanted to try to move on as he couldnt see how to fix it. Weve left it on good terms but arnt really in contact. Im leaving the ball in his court. Mayne this new relationship will run its course i dont want to bother him untill it has. Maybe a year down the line things will be different. Right now my priority is feeling better…i m just struggling right now.
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Wow this is beautiful. I really hope this works for m elike it did you.
Story: I am 22, currently in college. I met my current ex in high school 6 years ago. We instantly hit it off and were like two peas in a pod. Just like every relationship that wears off and you then have to mature and realize the work it takes to get through the ups and downs. Well we had a kid who is currently 4, so basically 2 years in we had a kid together. We had broken up a few times for reasons consisting of things like me being less passionate or being less attentive that usual. And as i have matured into a man, I can certainly understand how much of a toll that could take on a woman. I, however, have always been faithful. No lies, cheating…giving my love away..etc. As we grew i always tried to make sure i was doing those tings but work, school and martial arts made it hard to be there all the time. I put a alot of my love for her into the works. I saved up money for a wedding ring and planned an engagement, I finally was able to find us a house, Im graduating with a degree in civil engineering and i took over my dads real estate partially. Things are looking great financially. However, before i was able to propose to her on valentines day…she broke up with me 4 days prior. I was DEVASTATED….and still am. I cried….begged…pleaded..even proposed out of plan ..nothing worked. Everyone said give her space because all this will do is push her away but at the time you just cant fathom. Like you sort of mentioned, you want to believe she will see such a good thing she had and come to her senses. We have a kid and such a bright future. WHy would she throw it away? Her reason? She needed space. She needed time to focus on herself. Ok cool…after while i was able to accept that. But under the idea that she was eventually planning to come back. I then found out she was talking to someone else(we have had a few problems a while back of her texting and talking to other guys, her reason being she was lonely or needed to feel the void or whatever)and that she even hund out with him. She says she didnt leave me to be with anyone else and made it clear. She says that she really is focusing on herself. I oddly still believe her but as a man, and knowing how other guys prey on woman in times of weakness…it worries me. Eventually I got over the sadness. I eventually told myself that i truly love her…i love her enough to let her go out and bump her head a little. THe grass isnt always greener. Ive allowed my time to reflect on my mistakes and how i could improve as a man. Ive always had our best interest at heart and wish she could see that and know no other man loves her like i do. So i did sort of reach that turning point and reading this just really boosted me ahead. During our space I have done little sweet things very far apart like giving her a drawn portrait of herself. SHe really loved it and her face glowed with happiness. I could tell this was the type of stuff she wanted me to do while together. And i let that romantic side fade because of other priorities. She just wanted to feel important.Even though i feel i didnt deserve to be lied to, emotionally cheated on and treated like crap during the space(ignoring me and not acknowledging me accept when about the kid) I understand how important this time apart may be. Its almost hard for me to believe one could see so much in front of them and not eventually realize. I suppose im at the point now where, as you mentioned, I should be trying to get happier..not for the sake of her to recognizze..but for me…because life is funny. Even after all this..she just may not come back. Is it stupid? I think so..but we all do stupid things. THere are plenty of women who would love a handsome, young successful guy. who also believes in long terms loving relationships. Just thought id share. please reply is possible. Thanks!! (sorry for typos..on iphone)
You said it perfectly there at the end. EVERY woman wants a handsome, young, successful guy…who makes her feel important. You are in the process of learning from your mistakes and making her feel like a priority. As women, all we really want is to be noticed and listened to. The hand drawn portrait of her showed her that you’re capable of that.
My husband is a personal trainer with a thriving business. Sometimes he’s at the gym 60 hours a week. He also trains/does martial arts and is very close with his family. Outside of all of that, he does his part to keep our home nice and help out others. All that aside, when he comes home, the FIRST thing he does is come to kiss me and ask how my day was. He randomly pops in to my work and brings me a coffee or lunch. Throughout the day, I get several texts just wishing me well or asking how things are going. We’ve been on and off for 9 years now…it’s not like we’re newly in love. He has a way of making me feel so special and paid attention to…even after all this time. Looking back, I feel like our relationship has deepened and gotten better over the years.
Likewise, I do my part to maintain my interest in his life. I think longterm partners often get complacent and start to live side-by-side like roommates. To maintain the deep bond, you must live facing each other…not side-by-side. Nothing is worse for a woman than a man who isn’t passionate about her. Did she really emotionally cheat or did another man just show her that she’s valuable and worthy of attention?
She will either return to you or she won’t, but you’re right…you must do things that make you happy at an essential level and you must open yourself up to sharing your life with someone, even when things like raising a child and work get in the way.
It’s only been a month since your split, so be patient and when you feel down, remember that all things can be restored and healed. You are very young. I see nothing but happiness ahead of you. Take this as an important lesson and trust that things will work out.
I wish you the best, truly. –Jen
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We’ve been long distance for a while; he’s in Utah and I’m in Oregon. I decided to drive 10 hours and see him for a week to try to fix our broken relationship. We had a great time like we always do when we’re together. But as soon as I left he stopped talking to me as much, still says I love you and everything though. I’m supposed to leave for his house again this week and join him and his family for Easter. I asked him last night if it was still worth it and he said it would just be us “pushing the rest button and further extending what needs to end”. It broke my heart. Then he went on the say that it just wasn’t the time nor place for us. I’m confused and so so hurt. I know I have to let go so I can start getting my life back together, but I’m really afraid of holding on to the hope that maybe we’ll be together again when the time and place are right. Mind you he did this last summer while I was away in South America for 3 months. He said it wasn’t the time or place among other things, but then he came back a few months later. So now in the back of my mind I keep thinking maybe that’ll happen again, maybe he’ll come back and realize the mistake he made. But holding on to hope like that seems very toxic to me. Any advice would help. I need to heal this broken heart and fast.
Hi Madeleine,
It’s the “fast” part of healing your broken heart that is difficult. This time in your life has happened for a reason. I don’t know what the reason IS exactly, but there is a reason and it’s here to teach you something. The hard part is accepting how long that lesson will take. Be open to what this time in your life is here to teach you and I promise you will actually be thankful for it later. (I know it sounds crazy. Just trust me.)
It will be natural to hold on to hope initially. Your mind is feeding you the lie that “everything will be okay if he just comes back.” External circumstances don’t actually make us happy for more than a fleeting moment. Even if he came back right now, your trust would still be broken and your heart would still ache. All you can do is respect his wishes, don’t contact him at all for ANY reason (even if it seems logical, like about mailing your stuff back or something) and let him initiate all contact. When he does contact you, keep your responses to a minimum and tell him that while you are hurt, you agree that something was wrong between you and that you are respecting his decision and beginning the process of moving on. I KNOW this seems counterintuitive; just trust me…I’ve seen this enough times to know.
Tend to your heart, don’t run from your grief (because it’ll only catch up with you later). Cry as much as you need to and trust me when I say that happiness, joy and most of all LOVE will return to your life once this period is over!
Sending you love + healing,
Jen
I feel like I been extra emotional this week thinking of my ex. Probably because his birthday is coming up this week and mine next. I have been healing ignoring his call/txt/his friends “mistaken” calls, etc. Jen during your time with C did you say happy birthday… Etc., he wished me happy valentines and I ignored that as well. I wanted to reply but I been doing so well. How can one take their mind off on your ex birthday…?
C and I broke up in October. I’m pretty sure I said happy Thanksgiving, and he told me Merry Christmas and happy birthday. It’s normal during special occasions to think of your ex more frequently. I guess you need to consider what your goal is (to get back together? to be friends?) before you decide if you’ll wish him happy birthday or not. If you’re in an emotional state, I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s best to stay far away from the ex when in an emotional state.
I honestly would hope that we would end up together somewhere down the line but not putting my hopes into it. I still love him but was trying to detach the old thing we had. I really don’t want him to think I just sit around thinking about him (I sorta do). I’m living my life and I’m about to turn thirty in 8 more days So I just been reflecting a lot.
Thank you Jen. I stopped contacting him after he told me not to show up for Easter. But of course today, the day I was supposed to leave with his family to drive to Utah, he calls me asking why I didn’t join them. It was very hurtful and confusing. We ended up fighting and he told me right before we got off the phone that “maybe we should just go back to not speaking”. I’m afraid I’ve ruined any chances and it feels like my heart is breaking all over again. I don’t understand his need to play mind games. Is there still hope? Do I just go back to not contacting him? I tried apologizing, but he won’t respond to any texts which doesn’t really surprise me.
No contact. For any reason. He’s playing mind games because he doesn’t know what he wants. Don’t be around while he decides. He must think he’s lost you.
Why does the right thing always seem so impossible? I miss him like crazy, but I know I should let go until he finds out what he truly wants. The process is just so hard.
It is truly empowering to accept and move on. Pining your life away isn’t going to solve anything and it took me a while to realize this. It doesn’t help self growth. While I know mine won’t come back, I find solace in thinking of it this way. congrats on your outcome.
Couldn’t agree more, Michael. Thank you for sharing!
Hey Jen!
So I’m curious… My ex (whose first initial is also C, haha) and I are dating again and trying to see where things go as I told you, but you were right – we’re both still VERY gun-shy. Some days it feels like a full-time job keeping my anxiety about the situation in-check and staying positive, in the moment, etc. I’m a very Type A person, so it’s difficult for me to just let things unfold at their own pace as opposed to pushing for an “official” relationship status of some kind even though I know that, in this case, slower is better while we’re both still figuring out if this is what’s best for us.
Our communication as been both careful and honest and led to some really great talks about our individual concerns and needs, but we’re both still having a hard time trusting each other/ourselves because we both got hurt so badly before.
I guess what I’m asking is how/when did you and C start to relax and feel like “the two of you” again?
Hope all is well 🙂
~ Mal
The short answer is that it took a really, really long time. Things were a little different in my situation I think — C and I were apart for longer than you two were and when he first came back I refused him multiple times. So by the time we got back together, he strongly wanted to not just be in an official relationship but he also wanted to quickly move forward with moving in together and talking about getting married. I was super gun-shy and wasn’t even sure if he was “the one” anymore. It took premarital counseling and lots of long talks for us to really heal. Basically, what you’re experiencing is totally normal. Read my most recent post on this blog…I wrote all about this exact situation. 🙂
Wow, no kidding! Okay, so spin-off question: How long did it take your friends and family to relax about it? Things between my C & I are going really well, but my family is pressuring me to bring him around ASAP, and I have one particularly opinionated girlfriend who loves to make little quips, like, “I’m just saying, it isn’t supposed to be THIS hard” and whatnot. I hate that I find myself defending him when, the way I look at it, he’s human too and messed-up, but is really digging deep to do the self-work just like I am. I know they’re coming from a good place, but how do I tell them to give us some space and be supportive without sounding defensive? (I should mention that I’m extra annoyed by this because they cut my last ex a lot of slack even though he was by FAR a worse partner to me – he was just extra fun and engaging whereas C is a little shy, but because he’s a giant Marine it sometimes comes off as brusque or disinterested.)
Yeah. That took a long time too. But my C personally went to my parents and apologized for the pain he had caused, which helped a lot. If they see that you’re happy, they’ll let up eventually.
Hi Jen! Thank you so much for your blog and taking time out of your day to read my post! Out of everything I have read, your blog by far is the best. I have a couple of questions that I hope you can answer. First off, my break-up happened about 2 months ago, and it was confusing. At first, he told me he just needed some space but when I asked if he was breaking up with me he said “he didn’t know what to call it”. Before I moved my stuff out of his house that day, he gave me a stuffed dog his parents had gave him when he was 5 years old and started crying saying that if I didn’t leave now, then he wouldn’t be able to let me go and that he needed to mourn “us”. After that, I didn’t call him for 10 days (he didn’t try to reach out to me either) and I also didn’t think it was a break-up, until it was valentine’s day and he took down our relationship status and the picture of us down. I also got texts from people saying they’re sorry for the break-up (which ended up in 2 fights where my friendships with people were lost, which made everything worse and more stressful). I then called him and when I asked what was going on, he said “I don’t what to tell you Cayla, I don’t love you anymore and it was a break-up” (he then admitted he told me it wasn’t the first time so I would stop crying and leave his house). He also said he would call me when we’re ready to talk about the break-up. Since then, I haven’t called him and thought I had gotten over him until I ran into him (while I was drunk and he was sober, of course) at a bar this past Easter night. He was basically ignoring me and then we talked for a bit, but was trying to talk to the people behind him while I was talking to him! He then asked if I wanted to talk outside and I said yes and we did. He kept saying “you don’t know what it’s like to come home to someone you don’t have feelings for everyday” and “you have to accept feelings sometimes fade”. After that, we got into a fight, but then I asked him to forgive me since I was drunk and I didn’t want to end on a bad note, so we made up and he gave me a hug (and said he would call me when we were ready to talk) and then asked my friend to drive me home (I guess that situation couldn’t be much worse than when you and C met up after 3 months and things didn’t go so well). After that, I cried the entire night (for the first time since the break-up) and felt so much better afterwards. The past couple of days I was thinking about how rude he was to me at the bar and I’m finally on the mindset of “if he doesn’t realize what a wonderful, loving, and amazing person I am he doesn’t deserve me” (I know I’m not 100% of the way there but I feel like I am about 80% 🙂 ). I even joined a dating website and have a couple of dates set up for the week. But here are my couple of questions: when my ex ends up contacting me, how long should I wait before replying? I do want to talk to him about some things before and if I take him back. Also, what do you talk about the first time after not talking for so long? I was thinking that he brought up that he wanted me back I would tell him I think we should only be friends, that he needs to rebuild my trust, and that if we do hang out it will be on MY time and “just as friends” (emphasis on MY time and “just as friends”). I will also let him know that he needs to gain my trust and respect again before I would even consider it. Also, when do you finally accept them if you decided to take them back and how do you tell them you’re willing to give them another chance? Lastly, were you in love with the second guy who came along during that time? Did everyone know you were dating someone else? Also, we lived together for 10 months, I am 23 and he is 28, we broke up a couple of days before our 1 year anniversary and we met after I manifested my ex into my life using the “soulmate list”. Thanks again Jen for your help!
-Love, Cayla
Hi Cayla,
Of all the comments I’ve read, your breakup sounds pretty identical to the one I had with C.
That said, I think you’re jumping the gun a little here. I’m glad you’re not reaching out to him and I’m glad you have dates set up. You need to keep moving in that direction and not be planning so far ahead as to what you’ll do when your ex wants you back. Don’t strategize. This might not make sense, but even the energy you’re putting into the universe of waiting for him to come back and planning so far ahead as to knowing what you’ll say/do when he DOES come back…that very energy is what’s keeping him from coming back.
Look, if/when he does come back, he won’t want to know that you’ve been planning your reunion the entire time. Right? Is that attractive? No. Do you know what is attractive? You truly letting him go and moving on. Abandoning the thought that he’ll come back. That’s the whole point of this blog, which I feel like most people miss. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SINCERELY LET GO FOR THE REUNION TO HAPPEN. I don’t know why it works like that, but that’s the way it works. Let go, go on dates, enjoy your life, and don’t worry about what you’ll do when he gets back. Let Future Cayla deal with that when it happens.
I know this doesn’t really answer your question, but if/when he does return, it won’t feel anything like what you’re expecting, so my answers would be rendered useless anyway. You have to let it unfold the way it will.
I don’t know if I was in love with the other guy. It was heading that way. I was really, really into him, and yes, everyone (C included) knew I was dating him. I even introduced him to my family. I thought we had a future together. Circumstances obviously changed, but taking my attention off of C and onto someone new really helped me get past C.
It took me a long, long time before I told C I’d give him another chance. That wasn’t strategy, it was authentic. If/when your ex comes back, your inclination might be to not even take him back.
Hope that helps.
Love, Jen
Dear Jen,
Thank you for replying to my post. I think I get what you’re saying. I am actively working on my problem of jumping ahead in my mind with thoughts of what would be (I have this problem with thinking of everything I want in the future, where I constantly think ahead, and it’s not limited to my ex). I really need to work on focusing on the moment instead of trying to plan ahead. After all, this is the blog about what happens after your plans all out fail. I didn’t realize this until I read your response, but I see now where that is me giving away my power to my ex by even thinking about him at all. I sometimes forget the whole point of manifestation is to be happy and let things work for you instead of doing the work for it (and I guess sometimes I need a reminder of that Lol).
For now, I will keep on trying to focus on my self-love and try to manifest romantic feelings that are not directed at my ex. So far on the dates I went on I liked the guys, but in a way I would like a really good friend instead of romantic feelings, but I guess those will come in time (or I’ll meet someone I have that special connection too).
I guess things never happen quite as we expect them but if I have faith in myself, it will manifest in me knowing what to do no matter what comes my way.
Thanks again for all your blog posts, I think they really are helping me get to that 100% over him where I want and need to be.
-Cayla
Hi Jen! I loved reading your blog post about learning to let go and find peace. I am going through my first real breakup and it has been devastating. My boyfriend of over two years broke up with me a little over 3 months ago, and it was heart-breaking for both of us. There were many tears on both sides. He said that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore, and that he thought our relationship had turned to more of a friendship and that he thought the spark was gone. He said it was frustrating for him because he couldn’t pinpoint anything wrong with me or our relationship, just that something didn’t feel right to him anymore. This year is the first year that we are both at college together, and while I don’t participate in the college party scene, he wanted to go out and have fun with friends. I think this caused some tension between us, although we never had any fights or arguments during the course of our relationship. While I told him that I trusted him and if he wanted to go out with friends that was fine with me, he said that he felt like he was disappointing me. I believe he was conflicted over this for a few months before the break up happened. We truly were each other’s best friends, so when he broke up with me he said that he still wanted to be friends and see each other often because he couldn’t imagine me out of his life forever. I agreed initially because I thought it was better than nothing.
We did not contact each other for about a month, but then we fell back into contact (I initiated it) and after that, he began to send me videos or links to articles he knew I would like. I thought perhaps the way back into his heart was to establish communication again. We ran into each other one afternoon about 6 weeks after our breakup and he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee with him, so I did, and we talked for about an hour and enjoyed catching up with one another. I thought that perhaps he was starting to miss me and make an effort to get back together. It is evident went we see each other that we genuinely enjoy one another’s company. Nothing is awkward and we fall back into easy conversation and both make each other laugh so much. After maintaining some contact for a few weeks, I realized that it was too hard for me because I was getting my hopes up only to have nothing come of it. I had to tell him that if he could not commit it was better that I move on without him. He was sad but said he would miss me and he thanked me for everything I had taught him during our relationship. Just a couple of weeks after our break up, he ended up joining a fraternity, and now spends most of his time with this new group of friends.
I ran into him around campus recently outside a café about a month after I told him I couldn’t maintain a friendship. We hadn’t had any contact since then. He was on his way to class, but he happy to see me and asked what I was doing, and I told him I come here every Thursday to grab a muffin before class. After chatting pleasantly for a few minutes, I told him I had to run. The next Thursday, I ran into him again right outside the café I had seen outside of the week prior, and he stayed and talked to me while I waited for my order. By the time we left, he was 15 minutes late to his next class. He texted me just a few minutes after and said “let me know how the blueberry muffin is for future reference!” which seemed like a bit of an excuse to text me. I thought these were signs that he was missing me, but that weekend just a few days later I learned that he attended a fraternity formal with a girl from one of his classes. This was an overnight trip in a different city, and I am upset at the thought of him with anyone else. Furthermore, this girl is a bit wild and not his type whatsoever. It is frustrating that he does not want to get back together although it is so evident that we click really well. He does not initiate contact, but when we see each other, he doesn’t seem to want to leave. Additionally, he has changed so much recently, and his decisions and priorities are so much different than they were just a few months ago. He was not into drinking or partying or anything or the sorts until just a few months ago, and now he is acting like someone I do not recognize. It’s hard for me to believe that this isn’t just a phase that he will grow out of soon enough. It’s so tempting to wait for him to grow up, but at the same time it is killing me to hold on to hope. I know that I have to just focus on myself right now for my own well being, and that’s what I am trying to do. I guess at this point I am looking for confirmation that I am doing the right thing.
I am absolutely sure that he misses you…especially after being together for so long and having a stable relationship.
The thing about holding on to hope is that you’ll eventually resent him for it. Is this a phase he’s going through? Most likely. Does he really care deeply about this wild girl? Most likely not. Will you be able to forgive him when he’s done with her and suddenly wants another chance with you? Probably not for a long time.
The other thing is that when he sees you, he’s reminded of all the good times and probably can’t help trying to be extra accommodating. He’s testing the water to see if you’re still interested. If you still show signs that you are, he knows he can speed dial you when he’s lonely. Not what you want. It goes against conventional wisdom, but if you really want him back eventually and for him to realize what an idiot he is, what you need to do is show him that you’re NOT still interested. In other words, start avoiding the place you buy your muffin if you know you’ll run into him. If you do run into him, be cold (even if it kills you). When he texts you things like “let me know how the muffin is,” or whatever, respond with, “It was nice to run into you but I’ve moved on and still prefer not to be on speaking terms. Take care.”
Women have the hardest time with this for some reason, likely because it’s drilled in our heads to always be nice girls and never do anything bitchy. Well, there’s a book called “Why Men Love Bitches” and while it’s not my dating philosophy, I do think every girl who’s been through a breakup should read it because it’s illuminating.
What will convince him that he’s lost you, what will prompt him to change his mind, is NOT you waiting around or being cordial when you see him. What will change his mind is you being cold, or even better, INDIFFERENT, when you see him. I’ve written a TON of comments about this to other people already, so I would recommend reading those. But long story short — he must feel that he’s lost you, completely, to want you. If you wait for him to grow up, on some level or another he will FEEL that and NOT be attracted to you. Do you want a guy who waits around pining for you? Nope.
You are doing the right thing. Do not contact him. And it’s been several months now, so you should start looking at going on dates when you feel a little more ready. I missed out on the party scene when I was in college…both because I was introverted and also because I was in a longterm relationship. Don’t do that to yourself. Go out and meet people, go to craft and game nights…you don’t have to drink till you puke to have fun in college. Use this time to meet as many people as possible and to learn about yourself. In time, you’ll be glad you and your ex broke up because this will be the start of a whole new world for you.
Best of luck,
Jen
Thank you so much, Jen! Your kind words are so comforting.
Hi Jen,
You gave such great advice when I posed my original comment. I was hoping you could help me with my latest breakup development. After one week of being at home for the summer (we broke up in January), my ex texted me, making small talk asking about how I was doing and my summer plans. He then mentioned how he would like to get together so that we could talk face to face, and I asked what he wanted to talk face to face about. He said nothing in particular, just an opportunity to catch one another up on how the last four months have been and anything exciting going on in our lives. I told him I wasn’t sure that was the best idea because this breakup was not something I wanted and he said he was sorry I had been hurt by everything and that perhaps, in a couple of weeks, I would reconsider getting together to catch up. As I stated in my original post, I already asked him 2 months ago not to contact me and to let me move on. He didn’t mention any intentions of wanting to get back together with me, yet he is continuing to reach out to me after I told him that wasn’t healthy for me. Right now, I am in control of the situation because I told him that if I decided catching up was something that I wanted, I would let him know. My question is, could any good come out of meeting up with him for coffee or something to catch up? Could he possibly be trying to rebuild our relationship slowly and see if a connection is still there? Thanks again for your help.
Hey Juliet,
I don’t have a good feeling about it. Time has passed, he’s probably lonely and wants to test the waters. Not something you want to be around for. Keep holding on to the power — he will keep contacting you will likely eventually confess that he misses you. Don’t even give in then.
When he wants you back, it will literally be him pounding on your door, in the rain, begging for another chance. You don’t want to get involved when he’s just dipping his toe in the water like this. He thinks he might want you back and he probably is imagining it will be easy. Don’t let it be easy. Anything that has value is not often easy to obtain.
You don’t want him to just be “testing” if a connection is still there. He must feel as though he’s made a huge mistake. You grabbing coffee with him to “catch up” won’t teach him that.
Good luck, Jen
Dear Jen,
I would like to ask you, how did you let go of the hurt and resentment? Even before the reconciliation? I’m so sick of feeling this way about someone who clearly doesn’t care about me anymore. I went to therapy in the beginning, I’m reading books (secret, deepak Chopra..),…and other stuff to make me feel good again. When I’m down or missing her like crazy,when It consumes me I reread posts like yours.
My ex pops up every now and then to see if I want friendship. She doesn’t even acknowledge that she has hurt me in a very bad way, and that she made the BU more painful then it needed to be. The last contact, after 9 months of nothing from me, was very cold on her part. I just told her that contact, only for friendship, is not for me. I told her that I am fine, but actually I’m not. And now I’m having a big relapse. I don’t understand how peoples interactions can change so badly. I do not recognise this cold person. It was almost a business like, short and cold interaction. Like I’m being small minded that I don’t want friendship.
To be honoust, it’s just to hard. So I’m trying to let go, allready for a long time.
The fact that I knew her 6,5 years and that we’ve been together for 5, and i don’t recognise this harsh and cold way, is the most painfull thing for me. She used to be so caring and loveable. It’s like I used to live in a lie, and that it didn’t meant that much ( I know that sounds quite bitter).
So Jen, how did you let go hurt, disapointment and resentment? Did you went through it? I’ve noticed that if I ignore it, it just pops up even more, when I’m reminded of her.
I guess I just needed to vent a little bit. My family kinda hates her now, they don’t really understand why this is still so hard for me. I’m looking forward when you write a new ‘article’ and not only about exes, I really like to read those.
I hope all is well for you and your family
Laure
Hi Laure!
I did go through the hurt, resentment and disappointment and it was quite intense for a while. I think the key to letting go of that is to realize that you’re the person controlling those feelings. You said it yourself: “I’m so sick of feeling this way about someone who clearly doesn’t care about me anymore.” If it’s a one-sided emotion & you’re feeling it, that means you also have 100% control in healing it. It has nothing to do with her and nothing she could do could increase or take away that pain for you.
Start by reassuring yourself when you’re feeling really low. “I’m sick of feeling this way…but I don’t have to feel this way anymore. I can choose to feel something else.”
For me, several things helped. One, I stopped talking about him completely. I found that the more I focused on him, the more it hurt…so I did everything in my power to stop focusing on him. Two, I started doing new things. Staying in my same old mind pattern was producing the same old feelings, so I forced myself to try new things…yoga, going out with new friends, throwing myself into my work, eating at new restaurants…anything to produce NEW feelings and to bring about change. And three, even though I didn’t want to, I started going on dates. It can be really hard to let go of old romantic energy for someone without bringing new romantic energy in. You’d be amazed what even just adding a few new friends to your life can do for your outlook. We’re very susceptible to the feelings/energy of people around us…so start hanging out with people who are happier than you are. And go on dates if you can, even if it makes you uncomfortable at first.
As for this “cold person” you don’t recognize…she’s responding to YOUR energy. You’re very angry with her, so her intuition tells her not to be vulnerable with you. Hence the transformation she’s undergone in front of your eyes. Inside, she’s the same warm person who you loved very much. But because she can sense your resentment, she doesn’t feel safe with you. I suspect she also misses you…but when she reaches out to you and you tell her you’re fine (when you’re not), she knows you’re not ready yet.
You have to forgive her for the way she left. Nothing can be done to change that the BU happened and the way she did it. She did the best she could with the emotional skills she had at the time. Forgive her for letting you down and wish her the best on her journey. There’s a reason the break up happened…and while she had a large part in it, so did you. Forgive her and release her in your mind. Wish her nothing but happiness. Because the more sadness you wish upon her, the more sadness YOU will feel.
I wish you the best and thank you so much for your kind comment.
Love, Jen
Jen, thank you for your words. They Always seem to calm me down.
You’re right, I did answer her in a cold way. It must be hard for her to to contact me. The thing is, I don’t know another way at the moment. I get the feeling that she is oblivious about the way she has hurt me, during but also very much after the BU.
I litteraly said goodbye to her, cos I know for myself that friendship is not an option. I just can’t. She kept contacting me for a long time. And now she does it again, just to say hello. She said a lot of stuff that created hope for me. Maybe that’s the reason I don’t understand that she still contacts me to ‘catch up’. It feels disrespectful or that she doesn’t want to understand that I need to be in NC for myself.
Anyway I’m trying to forgive her and in the end I will. I think I just need a very long time of real NC (that I don’t hear anything from her).
Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions and sharing your experience. You really made me feel better in a way.
Have a nice evening,
Love,Laure
Omg! This story here just gave me HOPE! And I love it. Did it seem very much impossible for him to return to you at first? Did it seem as if was certainly detached? I have tried just as you did to get my ex boyfriend back and of course it has not worked. But now I am building strength to simply let go. We have been split for 4 months now. 3 of those months we were in high contact, getting out, etc. It wasn’t going that well because emotions were so high for me and I wanted him back! Your story is AWESOME and makes me pray an outcome as yours. I’m just trying to remain strong and get myself back on track.
Yes, it seemed VERY much impossible, and he seemed totally detached. Yes. Stay strong and nurture yourself. Things always work out in the best possible way! Xoxo
Ok this is really long but will someone PLEASE HELP ME, it all spiraled out of control and it’s killing me. I’m going to refer to my now ex, the one I want back as J.
J and I were together for a little over 4 years and for about the last year of the relationship things got really rough. We went off to separate colleges but didn’t think it would be a problem since we had went to different high schools and lived about an hour from each other anyway. The summer before we moved to college J started acting different, like a real ass, and the week before I moved in to school he broke up with me. I convinced him to still help me move in so I didn’t have to explain to my parents. That night, after I moved in, he begged me to come back home so we could talk so I did. We ended up crying and saying how much we didn’t want to lose each other and got back together. About a week after I had been in school I got this gut feeling and so I checked his social media messages (we had each other’s passwords, it was fair game). Sure enough my gut was right. There were messages from many girls from his college, asking for his number, him inviting them over, back massages, all the typical. One girl (we’ll call her C) he seemed really interested in. But I didn’t overreact I just simply asked him if he’d been talking to any girls, inviting them up, any of that. His response was no. I asked him three times. He said no every time. So I sent him the screenshots, apologized for getting on his stuff, and said you lied to me we are done. That was late August 2013. He started begging pleading apologizing and I would see him some but then a guy from my school, that I was really attracted to, came into the picture. I started hanging out with him a lot, we kissed, nothing more (we’ll call him V). I really liked him but he started talking bad about J and bashing my lifestyle, kinda made me mad. I had told J I had kissed him and really liked him. Then J’s grandpa got really sick. I knew I had to be there for him. Finally after going round n round we got back together at the beginning of November 2013. I didn’t fall in love with him again until the end of January. V was still persistent and we talked a lot. However, J won me back and I fell all over again. School started back late January and things started going down hill again. Me and V started talking some again and J started being a butt. Then it happened. Early February I found out I was pregnant…me and J were devastated, terrified. It’s all we ever wanted but we knew we couldn’t do it. We made the executive decision to abort it. Two days before I was to terminate my pregnancy I got a call from J asking if I could come get him, he had “locked his keys in his truck”. I said I’d meet him half way but I was too sick (from the pregnancy) and very tired and couldn’t make that drive. He agreed. So I went to get him and took him home. Two days later I made the most regretful decision of my life (I hate myself for it) to terminate my pregnancy. At first things were hard. But we got better, him and I. Then on spring break, I was playing games on his phone and checked his messages. He had a texts from C, the girl he was interested at the begging of the year. The text read: from him: where’s my pants? Lol from her: I don’t know haha. I WAS LIVID. Thinking the obvious, obviously. Then I put two and two together. I checked the date on the messages and sure enough they were from the night his keys supposedly got locked in his truck. The truth was they had actually been thrown away with his pants with the girl he was interested in. I didn’t break up with him though because of everything that had happened and his grandpa was still really sick. We got better, celebrated a great birthday together (only a day apart), and things were looking up. I was in love with him. He was in love with me. We grew close again. Then V started wiggling his way back in. We texted casually, quite often though. J got mad. I wasn’t meaning to hurt him but idk, I guess my thought was look how much you’ve hurt me I can at least talk to him, immature I know. In early June we lost J’s grandpa. It was devastating. He was so broken, it hurt to see him hurt. It brought us close again. We had a wonderful family vacation at the lake, gosh I loved him. Then when school started back things got bad again. We fought a lot. We broke up again, I started hanging out with V, kissed, nothing more. I kinda stopped trusting J. We got back together, the last date we went on was mid October 2015. We fought at first but ending up having a wonderful time and that’s when I decided I was going to move close to him and be with him and we were going to get right. Not too long after that though, he broke up with me. It made me mad. He kinda begged for me back, we fought, said a lot of mean things to each other, it got really really bad. He told me he wanted me. Finally i softened up and three days after that I agree. However he tells me it’s too late. 3 DAYS! So I begged, pleaded, cried, apologized, stalked, hacked. Name everything not to do to get your ex back and I did it. He claimed his new girl was better than me and he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me and didn’t care. I heard it all. He was so mean. (This started January 2015). I still begged, cried, called. He started blocking me. (End of feb) After the second time he blocked me I got mad and left him alone..for 10 days. During that time he called and facetimed but never text. I Finally answered him late one night and he was crying. Saying how much he love loved me, how sorry he was, asking if I changed, all that. He then text me that night and said “you’re the only one I’ve been with. I’m tired of f***ing it up with us. I want to f*** it up with everyone else then hope you will love me again one day.” So I begged and pleaded some more. By the time spring break came around I had given up. Then of course he contacted me again. Trying to apologize. He got mad because I thought I didn’t tell him happy birthday but I did, he just didn’t get it. 2 weeks later he tried to contact me asking if I was going to a certain concert and who I was going with. He even logged on to my Instagram, made it public, and added himself back then messaged me so I would talk to him, deleted the conversation when we finished. This was mid April and I was thoroughly confused because he’s told me to move on, he’s moved on, he loves her, he doesn’t hurt anymore, to leave him alone. So I was trying to do that. He contacted me again on facebook at the end of April 2015 trying to convince me we were not meant to be together, of course I didn’t agree, we messages back and forth some then he stopped talking. I just left it alone. That was a Tuesday, the following saturday I got a friend request from him on facebook and realized that after our conversation he had deleted me as a friend. Every time we had a conversation on social media and he didn’t agree with what I had to say he deleted me so at this point I had changed my number and blocked him on everything but facebook. But after I realized he deleted me I blocked him on there too. Ok, so now it’s about a month since that happened. His girlfriend is all about him. I went to his little cousin’s baseball game this past Monday and his family was there but he was not. His aunt cried as did I when I had to leave. That night I text his mom just to see how school and everything went for him. Then he text my mom asking her to have me text him. I didn’t. Then he tried to turn it around that it was my fault. He said he tried to talk to me and would talk every time I wanted to but now I had him blocked on everything. Saying how he had been hurt too and all of that jazz. I still haven’t gotten ahold of him. If he’s moved on like he said why won’t he just let me be? I want to make amends with him because I realize all the hurt I caused. I know what to do better now, I just need to know if there’s a chance to get him back. There’s been a lot of damage but I honestly can forgive it all because I love him. He’s very stubborn and he’s saying never again. Someone please give me some advice on what to do. I want him back and a better us, I’m ready to grow up and get passed all this stupidity but it’s hard when he is being so stubborn. I need some coaching on what to do, is there any hope? He still told me he loved me on spring break, and always would, he just thinks we were no good and all I see is the good. HELP PLEASE, I know it’s messed up, but it can be better, I just need him to see that. I love him, I miss him, and I want to make us right. We used to be so good and distance, school, and stress got in the way.
You both need A LOT of time and growing up before it will ever be better between you.
You can get him back, sure. Do what works every time — just leave him alone.
I really wish you the best but if you keep chasing this guy, I see some painful years ahead of you.
I don’t feel comfortable coaching you to get him back when you both have caused each other so much pain.
I wish you healing, comfort + the knowledge that you can be happy without this guy.
Good luck.
Thank you, we were happy, and adored each other. Then the distance and stress of school came in between us and we started tearing each other down instead of building each other up. He’s told me never again, that we weren’t worth it but I feel there was still something to fight for and build upon. I just can’t tell if what he has with her is genuine since I begged so much and pushed him away or if it’s not and he’s just in it because he has to be now. I know we seemed so messed up, and it was, but it wasn’t the not loving each other. I just need to know what to do.
I know it doesn’t seem like a good idea for us to get back together but I know If he weren’t so stubborn and could see that our past doesn’t have to equal our future we could be good like we once were. Please, give some pointers on what to do. I’ve tried all the wrong things and I’m terrified he’s gone. It’s been 8 months, they’ve been official 3 months. From October to January he still wanted me then he changed the moment she came into the picture. What do I do? 😦 I’ve loved him through the hardest times and I can’t imagine loving anyone else. I’ve been on many dates and out with a few guys, none of them feel like home. Please, at least give me some advice.
I am giving you advice. He’s in a new relationship and you have to let him be. When an ex tries to move on, it’s game over for a while. It’s not going to last with this girl because your ex has some major issues going on, so don’t worry about that. Eventually they’ll start fighting and he’ll compare her to you and very likely reach out to you. The more you leave this guy alone, the more he wants you (which is a problem all in itself but we’ll ignore that for now). So stop contacting him and try with all your might to reconnect with YOU and learn to soothe yourself.
Getting back with him is not the answer to your problems. You should be focusing on fortifying yourself and getting stronger and calmer. Until you do, the relationships with others won’t work. It’s a hard lesson I had to learn in my twenties too.
I know that’s not the advice you want but that is the advice you need. You’ll look back at this situation one day and wonder why you were so desperate for him. The desperation is an addiction and a sickness. It’s not actually love. Love feels nothing like what you’re feeling right now. Love would bless him and let him go if that’s what he wants.
Thank you for giving me advice. I really appreciate it because I’ve tried reaching out to people and they don’t ever actually give me anything helpful. I’m sorry I seem so scattered and emotional about the situation, I just can’t wrap my head around the whole him saying “I love you, I want you” then three days later telling me it’s too late. I know its been 5 months, but I’m just one of those people who likes to work things out and make things right and I just feel this isn’t right. That’s beside the point. I have one more question. He text my mom again two days ago. I had changed my number back in April so he couldn’t contact me (he was getting in contact about every two weeks but just hurt me more and would get mad and block me, unfollow, unfriend, etc. if I said something he didn’t like or he didn’t agree with). So I changed my number and blocked him on everything (I was tired of getting friend requests over and over when he decided he was done being mad at me or whatever). Anyway, he text my mom and asked “is this her new number”. He somehow managed to get it (said he just got it) and asked my mom if I was home and busy. Said he wanted to talk, wasn’t going to hurt me or be mean. Then he proceed to to text me and say “hey, it’s me, I don’t know if you still had my number. I don’t want to fight or get into it at all, I just want to talk.” I didn’t reply. Theb he text again saying “with that being said I guess I’ll start the conversation lol. How’ve you been?” I didn’t reply to that either. This was two days ago. He also told my mom to let him know when I was not busy so he wouldn’t wait up all night for a text he probably wasn’t going to get. Do I text him? It’s been a month. Or stay silent, this is the second time in a week-2 weeks he’s reached out to my mom. I just wish if he is truly moved in like he says he would leave me alone. I’m hesitant to talk to him because every time I do he finds away to hurt me, even if he doesn’t mean to. And honestly im kinda mad he did enough digging to figure out my new number (it was in my messages on my fb and I think he logged in to get it honestly). I know the situation seems immature, and it honestly is. But I’m trying to do what he told me to do, leave him alone and move on. However, every time I “leave him alone” he won’t leave me alone. I don’t know if he thinks we can be friends or what, but I already told him that wasn’t going to happen. I don’t know what he’s trying to be so nice, it doesn’t matter because the hurtful things are still there. And lastly, obviously I cut communication for a reason, why make an effort to get ahold of me knowing I didn’t want to talk.
I do want him, but the guy he’s being is not the guy I know and I know he doesn’t want me (aaid a month ago). I’m tired of these little games he’s trying to play but when I try to talk about the serious problems and work some things out he gets mad and deletes me. Finally I got tired of it and blocked him, cut communication. He still finds a way to contact me, why?! I mean he says he’s supposedly moved on, if I was his gf and knew about this Id probably be mad, but I’m sure she doesn’t know, I get told to leave him alone and move on but he’s the one who can’t leave me alone.
So after this long spill, should i even text him back or just leave him alone, since he’s made his choices?
You’re WAY WAY WAY too in your head. That said, it’s normal for where you are in the grief stages.
So, he wants his cake and to eat it too (so do you). That’s why when you leave him alone he goes crazy, and when he leaves you alone you go crazy.
I think you really need to pay attention to what YOU said, that he’s not being the guy you know. Therefore, you don’t want him (if you want someone he’s not being, that’s not actually wanting him — that’s wanting a fantasy in your head). So let go of this person, and focus more on what you want to feel in a relationship.
There are billions of people in the world. The universe would not be so cruel as to only gift you with ONE person you can be happy with. You don’t have just one soulmate. You can be happy with someone else and you can be very happy alone. You honestly need to spend some time on your own for the time being and learn to like yourself again. When you like yourself, anyone can choose to walk away from you and while it might make you sad, it won’t destroy your world.
Once your self esteem is restored, people of a higher caliber will be attracted to you and you can have a real, adult relationship. What you had with your ex was an addiction…high points followed by low points, mixed up with games. Sure, sometimes it worked, but you’re being VERY short-sighted about what a relationship can be if you’re thinking what you had with him was the best that it gets.
I’m not saying you’ll never get back with your ex. My ex and I broke up and tried it again over a period of seven years. We were not adult enough to make it work until we were in our thirties. I had the chance to fall in love with several people in between relationships with my ex and my life is better for the experiences I had with those people. And when the timing was finally right, my ex and I made it work and now we’re married. So I’m not telling you to give up. I AM telling you that the universe, or whatever you believe in, is very clearly telling you that NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.
Letting go is the hardest lesson we learn in our lives. It’s also the most important. This is what your life is trying to teach you right now.
My favorite quote by my favorite poet, Rilke, is: “We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”
Obviously, I think you should leave him alone. You’ll have an opportunity for closure later if you want it (I promise). But you have to break the cycle of being addicted to him, which you are.
My recommendation to you is to read the other comments on this post because I’ve answered your specific question several times before already, and many commenters have had success. It may comfort you to read them experiencing the healing process.
Best of luck Cassie.
-Jen
Thank you so much.
I PROMISE that it will all be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it. But I absolutely swear that you will look back and you will totally understand why this happened the way that it did. I’m rooting for you. ❤️
Heeeey Jennifer I lost this website and had no idea of what this site was called or this post even until a fellow member on another site mentioned this site and all of a sudden the grey skies cleared and the sun beamed into my window 😂 I posted on this a while ago well a few months ago about my ex and your advice worked 😀 I got her back around February but she left me a few days later saying she felt too guilty about what she has done.
Quick breakdown
Been together for 2 years it became repetitive and also said she no longer had feelings for me she wanted excitement that we had lost so left me she went off and found a guy to have fun with she realised she made a mistake and that what we had was amazing she comes back to me 2 months later saying how she realized how much she actually loved me and missed me and how good we were together
A few days later the guilt of what she had done to me and the way we were together were understandably different and she didn’t like the fact she changed us and the way we were and left me because she couldn’t do it any longer. She asked to be friends I thought okay because I could make her mind later down the line but then she tells me about how its a definite no that we would get together.
I said I wanted nothing to do with her, I asked what her real reason was and she said she finds me perfect but something is missing and she wants her next boyfriend to be like me.
I tell her to delete my number and she says that I can’t control what she does and asked me to just delete her off all the social sites since asking her to delete my number is pointless if I still have her on Facebook instagram Snapchat and so I did
She then pranks me few days later at 2.30am in a drunk state basically saying Hi in a drunk voice and my ex was with a girl whose voice I recognized as her best friend. I then put the phone down. I was with a girl that I was really good friends with and so when my ex called me for the second time, my friend picked up and obviously since she picked up, my ex and her friend started sounding angry and confused as to why I am not talking and why the girl I am with is talking lol.
She messages me the next day saying sorry for the call and that she knows I asked her to delete my number but she didn’t and then she went on to remind me that this was her in case I didn’t know.
She still follows me on Instagram and likes my posts and I don’t understand why she is still following me and why she added my number on her new phone number
I want her to feel the missing but it has been 2 months since I said bye basically
She went on holiday a week after I told her goodbye which I feel helped cushion the goodbye because she enjoyed herself for 3 weeks
She also wore a birthday outfit that I sent to her while we weren’t talking
I don’t understand what she wants and I got told by a friend to delete all the pictures of me and her if I want to stop this aching feeling but I still hope to get back with her so deleting over 200 pictures and 30 videos of us over the span of 2 years hurts a little too much
She misses me as a friend but I want her to miss what we had and miss me as her baby
What do I do
Just some extra information as well
we had become a routine couple we just had no spontaneity and she even said that repetitive relationship become boring and I became what you basically said which was boring because whenever we would date we would go shopping or window shopping or go cinemas followed by going to a restaurant and eating.
We very rarely did something out of the blue and during summer we would sometimes go to the park and just lay down or something
Out of the 2 years we were together, she lived by herself for 9 months due to domestic problems which meant she needed someone to talk and confide in and I was that person which is why I think we lasted so long because she ignored the repetitive dates and admired the support
We are best friends in a relationship tbh.
Once I have made these changes how can I go back into her life and show these changes if I have asked her to delete my number and ignored her and acted so stubborn to my decision of moving on from her?
This was a section of our last conversation
could you just help me understand what this exactly means please?
Me: you losing interest in me is the main thing
Her: It’s not losing interest
Her: Ah man
Her: I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel shit about yourself
Her: You’re perfect okay but that just isn’t what I need
Me: because you no longer feel that love you don’t see the point in fighting the guilt off for someone you no longer love
Her: I do but just not in that way
Me: So I am perfect but not perfect for you
Her: Yes
Her: No
Her: I don’t know
Her: Yes you are perfect
Her: Like you’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend
Her: But for some reason its just not enough something’s just missing
Her: But you’re perfect and everything about you is and its weird but I want my next boyfriend to be like you
Me: good luck finding someone like me
Me: this is what I mean
Me: anyway while you’re struggling to find someone like me I’ll still be in love with you
Her: Don’t say that okay
Her: I just wish I could be. There now
Her: I’m sorry.
Me: well I’d show you the door
Me: anyway thanks for being honest
Her: No you wouldn’t
Her: Its okay
Thank you so much
So when she says, “You’re perfect but something’s missing,” that usually means physical attraction is missing. Not to be too blunt, but how was your sex life?
The rest of it just sounds like she’s a young, confused girl. I don’t know how to get her to miss you as more than a friend, that’s not really my speciality. My brand of advice comes via letting go and getting confident again, which usually attracts them back.
We didn’t have intercourse because she didn’t believe in sex before marriage tbh but we would always get intimate but the guy she met with after me she did say that their intimacy was better than ours when I asked her.
Intercourse isn’t necessary. What’s missing from your intimacy was passion. Women like to feel WANTED, lusted after, and owned by their men. Chances are, if your intimacy had become routine as your relationship did, passion is the thing she’s missing the most from you. And that is why she treats you as a friend and not as a soulmate.
Did my reply even register lol its gone off the screen :s
I basically told her to delete my number as I am moving on and she refused to delete my number even confessed that she acknowledged that I asked her to delete my number but she chose not to. I deleted her off Facebook and SnapChat and in followed her on Instagram. How do I show her I still would love to be with her without bowing down to her when she needs to grow because I’ve made it clear I don’t want anything to do with her, so I can’t show her this passion
Read your comment again and tell ME how you think you could ever possibly do that. (You can’t.)
I’m not an expert in bewitching exes. I teach people how to let go. If I were you, I would stop trying to convince her of anything and let her be free to experience the kind of intimacy that she wants. She may realize after some time that she doesn’t actually want it. Or it may be a deep need of hers and she may truly be better off without you. If you really loved her, you could accept that.
A couple either has that passion or they don’t. You can’t artificially manufacture it.
Nothing is working for you because you still haven’t accepted that it’s over. You still haven’t let her go in your mind. Until you’re able to do that, she’ll sense you’re playing games with her and won’t be attracted to you.
You’ve resisted my advice from the beginning. I don’t have much more I can tell you that I haven’t already. I don’t think continuing to chase her will bring either of you any happiness. Why don’t you try letting her go?
I don’t why but I post and it goes 😦 its because first time I heeded your advice and it went exactly how you said it would 🙂 she came back a month after and I was surprised but the fact she went again after coming back to me means I have to let go again and knowing that she came back last time I am having a hard time letting go again because at the back of my mind I’m expecting it to have the same outcome as last time which is her coming back which is why completely letting go of the idea of us getting back together is hard
Yep. I totally get it. But nevertheless, you still have to let go. By hanging on, you’re keeping the energy stuck. And that she left after coming back means you weren’t totally successful. I think you need to work on your self esteem a bit, because I’m sensing a bit of a desperate feeling from you about all of this. Which is repelling her from you for sure. You have to KNOW and TRUST on a deep level that you are worth it. Likewise, you have to really FEEL that if she doesn’t see your worth, that she is SERIOUSLY the wrong person for you! The right person will get it immediately!
Working on my self esteem is something I am beyond confused about building. I mean I could think I have a lot to offer but how do I genuinely believe it if that makes sense? Also how does she know like you said she can sense the mind games and the repelling low self esteem but if we aren’t conversing how can she even notice it?
How did you finally let go? What did you go through that made you think you know what I can live a happy life without him without thinking and hoping st the back of your mind that you two can hopefully work out one day?
Did you have that hope after you let go?
Well, if you don’t genuinely believe that you have a lot to offer on a deep, intuitive level, then you need to stop all tactics to get her back RIGHT NOW, as none of it will matter if you get her back and her self esteem is like this — she’ll run away again immediately.
I know that your energy is repelling her because, simply put, I can sense your desperation through your words and it repels ME. (Honest to goodness, that’s the truth. I’m not judging you and I’m not going to go anywhere — this is very common in someone who has been broken up with, and I’m telling you because you need to understand the effect that your energy has on women.)
How does she know? She can feel it. Do you want the science behind that? You’ll have to talk to someone who specializes in quantum physics and can talk to you about atomic entanglement between two people. If you want a good book on that, look up The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart — it’s a good, non-spiritual place to start. But TRUST ME when I say that she definitely knows, and she can sense your energy, and it is YOUR energy that is keeping her away.
How did I finally let him go? I realized how low I had stooped to get him back and I was frankly extremely embarrassed. On my birthday a few years ago he told me all he could offer me was sex and for a couple of minutes, I considered it. Suddenly I saw myself from the outside and I was HUMILIATED. I wrote him back and said, “Sorry, I don’t do casual and please don’t even think about mentioning that to me ever again.” It killed me in the moment to say it because I thought I’d lose him forever, but I also needed to take a stand against how I was allowing myself to be treated. In the end, that small sentence allowed me to begin rebuilding my strength. It also made him respect me again and over time, once he sensed I had healed and was confident, he began to want me back as his partner and not as a casual hookup.
Once I let go, I had no more hope. Truly. And it was beautiful, and so freeing. On the night of my birthday in the rain, I told a dear friend, “You know what? ‘The One’ would never treat me this way. I’m done. I’m never saying his name again.” And so I stopped saying his name and stopped talking about him completely. Now, that point took four months of almost zero contact to get to, but something inside of me just snapped that day. Humiliation will do that to you. Anyway, after about a week, I accepted a date with someone else and even though it felt weird, it was a good decision. On my second date with that person, we kissed and I realized that I could actually have feelings for someone else. (And C sensed that too, and suddenly started calling me all the time once he’d realized that he’d lost me.)
Anyway, the rest is history. But to answer your question, I couldn’t get rid of the obsessive thoughts or the hope until the moment I was fully humiliated. And once I saw how low I’d gone, I realized that everything I was doing to get HIM back was killing ME. Also, it was COMPLETELY backfiring, repelling him further and further away.
Only once I forgot about him did he want me again. It’s funny how life works that way. And that is truly why I wrote this blog that has so many comments now. I never wrote this as advice to try to help people get their exes back. I honestly don’t care if people get their exes back. What I DO care about is helping people let go of what no longer serves them so that they can be HAPPY. And oddly enough, once that happens, the ex usually comes back as a side result. My focus is not healing relationships between people…I want people to heal themselves. Once you heal YOU, Arjun, she may want you back (or not), but you won’t care anymore because YOU’LL feel complete, finally. And you’ll know that she’s not the only woman in the world who can make you happy. You’ll realize that you can be happy with someone else, or happy with her, or happy alone, but you won’t feel that emptiness pulling at you all the time. You’ll feel whole. And you’ll trust that no matter how circumstances play out, that you have the tools to make yourself happy. And truthfully, that is SO much more important than how to get your ex back. I hope you realize that and work on letting her go…because holding onto her is deeply hurting you.
And that is my best advice. 🙂
All the best to you —
Jen
Yeah tbh right now I can say that the first time I got her back wasn’t because I let go tbh I kind of just gave up and just put it to the side and she knows she made a mistake by leaving me the first time and after finding out I loved her through a confession I made in a “before zero contact” video I had uploaded to Dropbox which I didn’t know she had access to because I changed the password, she came back and I was still the same guy, surely I put on my best outfit and I guess she could sense the old Arjun under the new clothes and while we were friends after she left me again, she must’ve noticed the desperation as you so rightfully put it.
Nope I take no offense because it is thetruth and it may be blunt but I just have to use that to better myself.
Did you ever just wonder if he had moved on like right now I don’t even know how to begin trying to move on as I have never been in this position before. She is my first gf. So moving onand getting iinto that mentality is the confusing part. I stay as distracted as possible surrounding myself with friends and family but at he end of the day my mind does wonder back to her and my thoughts lead to her. Is distracting even the right thing to do because if you distract the mind surely the mentality of hope will still remain right?
I have been embarassed looking at how I have begged and pleaded and still been left alone not to mention the fact I feel so pathetic because of my state.
When you decided to let go didn’t you still wonder what he was doing or if he was thinking about you?
I am dedicating this week to get my sleeping pattern in check followed by making a list of all the improvements I aspire to make as well as physical changes such as gym and losing fat and growing my beard. Then other accomplishments such as passing my driving test. Does it sound like the right start lol?
Another question assuming C did something wrong to end the relationship, whilst you had gone through the letting go phase, during which part does C try to fix himself up or rectify the wrong he has done?
Thank you so much btw you have helped so much in allowing me to gain clarity of the situation. Sorry for all the questions 😦
Yes, I wondered if he had moved on all the time. I was terrified of one of our mutual friends telling me he was dating someone new. And C and I did meet up at one point and he did tell me he had been on two dates. And while I had been on a date too, it still killed me a little bit.
First love is always SO hard to get over. It’s the first deep wound. But this will make you stronger. Some day, you will actually be very grateful for this heartbreak. Heartbreak is the great equalizer; it makes all of us equal no matter where we come from or what we have. And for that reason, it can make you a very compassionate person. You will truly be kinder to people in your life now on because you’ve experienced this. It’s a tough price to pay, but man, the outcome is worth it.
Once I had let go, I really let go. Like I keep telling you, something “snapped.” I got sick of myself. I was thoroughly humiliated. I couldn’t stand myself anymore. So before that, when I was simply trying to let go, sure…I wondered. But once I “snapped” and REALLY let go, no. I didn’t. And when he tried to come back, I didn’t want him back. And when he tried to kiss me, my body shrank from him. I was really able to give him up. And you will be able to do the same with your ex, once you get to that point. You haven’t experienced this before so it might feel like it will never happen. But I can promise you with total certainty that it will.
I think your list of improvements is an EXCELLENT idea. I always go to the gym after a heartbreak; it’s such a great way to channel those difficult feelings. As you become physically stronger, you will become stronger emotionally as well.
Don’t be sorry. 🙂 You’re doing great. I SWEAR you will begin to feel MUCH MUCH better soon. I know it. 🙂
yeah I am already appreciative of this experience because had I not gone through this then I have no idea when I would have looked in the mirror and realized how truly pathetic I am in terms of handing tough situations by myself and I have also began evaluating and aspiring to do great things because of this so I can imagine how appreciative you must be from where you stand :).
It does sound like an amazing feeling to experience so I can’t wait 🙂
What can I do to try and get past this stage of letting go because my mind keeps wondering back to how we used to be and although it makes me smile I know just how bad it is to be reminiscing about those memories
What made you want to take C back because if you were in that position to realise you deserve so much more than how you were being treated what made you want to go back to him?
Have you both decided to ignore what had happened between the break up and the uniting or have you revealed it all to one another?
You are doing what you can to get past this stage. You’re asking for help. You’re working on yourself. That’s all you can do. Time is an element here. It will take as long as it takes. I know that sucks.
I’ve answered why I took him back in detail in other comments. His grandmother died and to see him in such pain reawakened the love I had for him. But he and I were in a different situation. I’ve known C since I was 14. We’d been on and off for 7 years. I knew on a deep level very young that he was the person I wanted to share my life with. So learning to love him again after he was so sorry and working so hard on himself to be someone I deserved was very moving.
No, we didn’t ignore it. I couldn’t! We went to counseling for six months and I made him go to counseling on his own. It took a year for me to trust him again. I don’t usually recommend getting an ex back because it’s honestly much more difficult than just moving on and meeting someone new.
Oh maaan I thought there would be a way to speed it up 😦 but what do you recommend I do when my mind wanders into thoughts of us
That would tear me apart to see her lose a loved one and be distant
I actually thought about that earlier on and whether I would support her no matter what or if I would just let her be and obviously I chose the former.
Was the trust lost because you needed to believe he wouldn’t leave you again?
Well tbh with an ex you feel that strong with its no surprise you picked the hard path because like the famous saying goes
If she is easy she won’t be worth it and if she’s worth it then it won’t be easy 🙂
Well in your case he lol you’re an amazing woman 🙂 wish you and C all the best 🙂 he must be an amazing guy to be your perfect partner 🙂
Haha, you are speeding it up, don’t worry.
Memories will come. You will think about her. It’s natural. It’s not bad to remember her fondly and to think of the happy times. What’s bad is when you assume that getting her back is the ONLY thing that can make you happy, because it’s not. Lots of new things are out there for you to experience and those things will make you happy.
Yes, the trust was lost because of how he left (very suddenly). And I was afraid for a long time that if we became unhappy, that he would leave immediately. Even though I knew he hadn’t stopped loving me during the time we were apart, I had felt so abandoned and lost during those months and I didn’t think I could bear that feeling again. But you know? I needed to go through that. I’m WAY stronger now. And if he ever left for some reason, it would hurt, but I wouldn’t die. Not like the last time. Because I understand implicitly now that anyone who wants to walk out the door, should just go. I would never fight for someone to see my worth again. And because I feel that way on a deep level, our relationship is very different. I’m not needy or desperate anymore. I have my own life, and our life together. But the counseling REALLY helped because it instituted a way for us to talk through anything difficult.
Thanks, Arjun. 🙂 You’re a very kind, thoughtful person, and there is someone out there you’re going to be very happy with. First though, you’ve got to finish this process of learning to make yourself happy. And you will!
really 😮 speeding it up :s how so?
Well tbh I’m not even thinking about it as much I just try to think of other thing and looking at trying to become a better person but I can’t deny that I do hope she comes back and that hope is what I’m having a hard time letting go off
want that snap to come asap tbh
Woow that sounds amazing and yeah itddoesnow make sense to me when you describe why the trust was gone.
I hope it all works out soon
its like eating a chilli lol nothing will make the spiciness go away you just have to go through it although some things ease the spiciness nothing truly makes the pain go away immediately but time. Wow look at that example 😏😏
Hi Jen just read your update and I did aceppt a few posts ago that I will no longer try to make her back when you discussed about how humiliated you were it does register with me because my mentality before was pathetic and I am trying to just focus on myself and make myself the best I can possible be but the only problem is letting go of hope because hope is something I have a lot of and I have no idea how to get rid of the hope
Just trust that it will fade. Trust. It will. There’s nothing you logically can do.
I just tried easing into the – try a new date even if you don’t fully feel like it but just try – concept and just tried flirting and knowing I had attracted a girl who was flirting back and wanted to be mine did make me feel like I can find happiness with girls other than my ex 🙂
Idk why this created a seperate but this is the reply from before
Really 😮 speeding it up :s how so?
Well tbh I’m not even thinking about it as much I just try to think of other thing and looking at trying to become a better person but I can’t deny that I do hope she comes back and that hope is what I’m having a hard time letting go off
want that snap to come asap tbh
Woow that sounds amazing and yeah itddoesnow make sense to me when you describe why the trust was gone.
I hope it all works out soon
its like eating a chilli lol nothing will make the spiciness go away you just have to go through it although some things ease the spiciness nothing truly makes the pain go away immediately but time. Wow look at that example
That’s great — knowing other people find you attractive really helps!
I saw that reply. 🙂 you’re speeding it up by trying everything you can to feel better.
But in a way isn’t that still bad because I’m only feeling better because others find me attractive
Oh okidokes yeah trying to just get that snap happening as soon as possible lol
Not bad at all. You need to have your self esteem recover and understand that you’re desirable to others beside your ex.
Okidokes that makes sense 🙂 can I post again after a while and let you know how it is going :S
Sure 🙂
Sometimes, I feel like I must force myself to give him up completely, which funny because that’s how I’ll get him back(maybe),right? I do so well and then boom 💥, I am hit with a thought or memory of him…constantly wondering if he still cares and will come back. We have been separated almost 4 months now. I won’t lie, I cried and pleaded because of being emotional wreck. We were still hanging around one another and in contact which was a dangerous thing to do emotional wise…are chances likely ruined though??? Jen, did you do what women shouldn’t do after a breakup also? Crying,pleading, and angry at him, etc
Oh yes. I made every mistake in the book. I mentioned that in my post.
If you pour all of your energy into fortifying yourself, you will eventually feel a “snap” and the sadness will relinquish its grip on you. Then, and only then, will he be able to feel there’s a difference in you and start to become curious about you again. The Catch-22 is that by the time that happens, you may not want him anymore.
Either way, I promise that there IS relief from those strong obsessive thoughts. Be patient with yourself. I was still REALLY sad four months after our split too.
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Hi Jen,
I was hoping you could offer some advice on having to deal with an ex in social settings. My ex broke up with me out of the blue right before Christmas after a little over two years together and I pretty much immediately cut off contact. The problem is that we are both in the same grad program and have the same circle of friends meaning I have to deal with seeing him on a regular basis. While I am much better than I was a few months ago, I’m finding it hard to completely let go when he is still present in my life. Each time I have to see him It still hurts, especially when he appears to be doing well. Advice on this would be much appreciated.
Hi Kate,
Not a TON of advice I can offer here as that would be hard for anyone. Obviously limit your interaction as much as you can without it affecting your studies and know that he puts on an act in front of you to make it seem like he’s doing better than he really is. The good thing with a grad program is that it ends; my best friend married my ex’s brother so I had to avoid tons of outings where I normally would’ve been welcome. Be patient with yourself; it’ll get better.
Jen
Jen,
I’m just stopping by to first thank you for sharing your experience and great outcomes! Secondly, I often look at others who post to and your replies to them and I must say I just love the attitude you carry and the advice you give back. I love the fact you mainly care about us all healing to improve ourselves and putting ourselves first. No, I have not not gotten my ex back. Would I love to have him back? Of course! BUT my happiness or life is not tied into him. I know I am a beautiful and bright individual with so much to offer. In time, someone on the same level as me will definitely cross my path.
This is so sweet. ❤️ Thank you for your kind words. And know that when you lost your ex, the person you lost first was you. Getting YOU back is my primary focus and the ex usually comes back along with that…though often once you have YOU back, you won’t want your ex anymore. You will absolutely meet someone on your wavelength who sees you as you really are — I have NO doubt. ❤️
I can’t begin to explain how comforting I found your words. I would like to briefly explain my situation,
I was with my ex gf for two years, for the final 9months I went through anxiety and depression massively and the distance between us grew until one day she ended it. Of course I begged cried pleaded Etc on and off for the first two months. Then I stopped initiating contact and left her alone. Every week without fail I would receive ‘I miss you’ texts , once she put her engagement ring on and sent me a picture of it .. Iv had ‘thinking of you’ and Iv had ‘been thinking what if..’ , I replied sometimes and didn’t others as it was very painful. Then on Monday she text and asked if I wanted to talk, she said she’d been listening to my voicemail (I left it a few weeks ago explaining why I was distant and that I understood why we ended because it forced me to work on the anxiety , I ended the voicemail saying that I’m fine now but that I missed her and would love to start again), and wanted to talk. That day she sent me links to some songs and said she misses me but everything with us is so hard. She said she was looking forward to seeing me and used pet names.
We met the day after and I was reserved, we had a laugh and a catchup but she didn’t mention us or the breakup.. She spent the whole time with her leg pressed firmly against mine and smiled at me constantly , she was flirting a lot… So we said goodbye and she held me a long time before telling me that she misses me so much. After she left she called me and said she could smell me on her and how lovely it was to see me.
Four days later, I have had a few good morning texts and I miss you and even an ‘I love you’ , she was meant to see me yesterday but she didn’t contact me, (she was going to pick something of hers up), so I messaged and asked and she said she ‘forgot and was very sorry’ . I flipped. I shouldnt have I know but you don’t forget someone when they are important. So I rang her this morning and asked her about our meeting and what she wanted to talk about , she said she wanted to ask why I couldn’t talk to her about my anxiety before and that her intention was not to lead me on!! She said that she isn’t in the right place to sort things out right now..
This broke me, after the pain of the months apart to having false hope I was dead inside. I calmly said that I do not want her to contact me anymore and not to expect a reply. I said I wasn’t being rude but that she has made me feel very sad and confused me and that I don’t want to hear I miss you anymore.. She agreed and I hung up.
I guess my question is did I ruin everything by expecting more.. Her contact was getting less and less up until yesterday after it being full on at the start of the week. I know she loves me like I love her and cannot understand why this all happened as Iv made so many changes since the split. I know she sees the changes.
I just want to know that I did the right thing. That its ok to expect everything from her or nothing at all. I am going to really work on letting her go but I’m so scared that I won’t hear from her yet so scared of when I do because I can’t handle ‘I miss you’ and have no idea whether to ignore her or tell her to leave me alone!
I’m sorry this is so long Iv never posted this before. It’s been 11 weeks since we broke up and until this week there has been limited contact.
Thank you
Claire
She said she loves you and misses you but got weird and distant after seeing you and you’re wondering if YOU did something wrong?
With love in my heart I’m telling you to WAKE UP CLAIRE. She’s toying with your emotions and wants you when she can’t have you, and she does not, at least right now, love you the way you love her.
You have a lot of healing and self esteem to gain and you’re not ready to be back with her yet. I can feel your anxiety through your words and you must heal that before you can be with her or anyone.
Please read my most recent post on this blog and I really wish you quick + full healing. You can’t even consider rekindling things with her until you’ve had some more time on your own. Eleven weeks is not that long — I didn’t get my confidence back for six months!
Once you restore yourself you’ll see clearly the games she’s playing and refuse to settle for that, from anyone, ever again.
xoxo Jen
I agree with you fully I know I’m weak but I swear I wasn’t before this week happened ! I was getting there and making plans . Did I do the right thing Jennifer? By telling her to leave me alone , I think I struggle because I can’t imagine why anyone would play games like that , I wanted to believe that she is genuine .. I just wanted to know that is done the right thing 😦
Yes, you did the right thing. She’s being irresponsible with your feelings and you shouldn’t be around her until you’re more stable.
I loved the latest post and feel bad for asking you about this now because I see it’s not what your about. I’m sorry, I guess my lack of confidence meant I needed someone to confirm my actions were right and she is the one with the problem and not me. Thank you again and I apologise
Claire
Don’t apologize. I remember all the days wondering if I did the right thing when interacting with my ex. Here’s the real secret: if YOU change, and focus solely on healing + getting your confidence back, she will change too. But you can’t be working on those things for HER; you have to want to work on them for YOU. It will take time, but it will happen. I believe in you!
I just read your part 2 article and your message to ‘L’ regarding how you moved on…
I am going to read that every night and every morning and thank god I found your wonderful words. Thank you so much for being a giver and taking the time to help the lost souls of the world! Truly I am in awe of the attitude and strength you show in your words.. Thank you again Jen , I believe in me too and if two of us do then I’m going to hit the ground running,
Claire xx
Hi Jen,
I just came across your blog and like so many others have found your story and words so inspiring. You sound like such a great
person and I love reading all your life wisdoms and advice! I’d love to get your advice and opinion on my situation if you have time.
Wishing you and C all of life’s best. Congratulations on your wedding.
Hi Lizzie,
I’m no longer giving out my email address simply because I don’t have the time! I was recently promoted and I barely get time with my husband lately, and also I’m pretty bad at answering emails. Maybe send me a short synopsis as a comment here? And please know that most breakups are eerily similar…I definitely recommend reading all the comments that have come before AND the most recent post on the blog before asking me anything. The way I truly feel about breakups is the most recent post on the blog ❤ I wish you luck! –Jen
Hi Jen,
Thanks so much for getting back to me so quickly. And congratulations on the promotion at work. You know what I figured out after I messaged you? That I already have all the advice and I know exactly what I need to do to get my ex back. There is no magic formula or specific thing to say or do. All you can do is move on with your life and let it go just like you said. It’s odd how hearing strangers stories or advice helps you with what deep down you already know to be true. Time and perspective can really do amazing things. Thank you so much for your blog! I wish you all the best.
Lizzie
You’re right and that’s exactly why I wrote this blog. When I was heartbroken and searching for answers on the Internet, I noticed every person who’d gotten their ex back had the same exact story: heartbreak, misery, letting go, gaining confidence, finding happiness…then, wham! The ex was back. There was so little deviation that it seemed almost weird. But you know what? That’s exactly how it happened for me too.
Breakups happen for a reason. Even if the ex was being a huge jerk, we always play a part. Insecurity and codependency wreck an otherwise healthy relationship every.single.time. People can lose “the One” just by being m afraid to lose that person. The breakup happens as a beautiful opportunity to teach those of us who are weak and afraid that happiness is our birthright; it is not dependent upon ANY circumstances. It’s almost life’s way of saying, “Oh, you think you can’t be happy without that person? I beg to differ.”
Breakups are the most beautiful teacher. I wrote this blog because it’s the letting go part that people have the most trouble with, but it is THE MOST NECESSARY STEP. Like trying to make an omelet without eggs, you can’t find happiness again without letting go! I’m glad you see this and I wish you SO MUCH good luck + super-speedy healing. You got this. All you have to look forward to is a joy unlike any you’ve ever experienced. That may bring your ex back, but if you do it right, that part won’t even matter to you. You’ll just be happy and happiness is enough!
Xoxo Jen
Hi, Jen!
I commented on your other post about getting rid of your things. I was reading your comments on this post and I was just curious on what your opinion is.
My ex and I’d split around 2 months ago. We had a wonderful relationship. He gave me a promise ring and everything. His family loved me and we were really in love.
Things started to get hard from work and I wasn’t being the best girlfriend and got restless. One day, he told me he fell out of love with me. It hit me hard and we tried to work through it. It just didn’t work and he broke up with me.
I was devastated but I’m not so much anymore. I don’t really care if he comes back or not, I know I deserve better. I am so much better than before. I’m just curious, is it really possible for him to fall out of love like that?
More importantly than if I think it’s possible, do YOU think it’s possible that he fell out of love?
No, I don’t think it’s possible. He’d always told me he loved me and always will. His family cried to me on Thanksgiving and told me how much I’ve changed his life and theirs, they told me how much he loved me. He did everything he possibly could to make me happy; the love was real.
I just don’t understand how he could say just he out of love like that. It’s been a month since I’ve spoke to him. The last message I sent him was that I had a good time in our relationship, I hope he is happy where ever he is, and that I do not wish to be his friend or anything. And that was it. He texted back wishing me well and I did not respond.
It was hard for a long time, those were one of my darkest days. As of only recently (thanks to your blog), I feel like I’ve let go. I don’t keep wishing for us to reconcile or see it happening. I don’t get up with a heavy heart anymore and I’m finally excited for what’s to come, even without him in it.
In the back of my mind, though. I can’t shake the feeling that he still loves me or that he is thinking about me. I just don’t feel the same about him anymore, he didn’t think I was worth it the day he let me go but somehow, I still feel as though we will connect one more time. And this feeling is annoying.
Haha — I know that feeling and it is annoying. And what’s tricky is that the more you think about it, the more you delay your reconnection.
I don’t think it’s possible to fall out of love like that. Infatuation? Yeah. There’s a dark underbelly of infatuation that no one talks about. It’s like this — you’ve got two magnets; the magnets represent two people in love. The love doesn’t change but it can turn — there’s an attracting force or a repelling force. Something happened that repelled him from you. That force can be strong! So he might THINK he doesn’t love you, but take your magnet out of the picture for a while and he’ll realize he does.
When you have love that is deep and strong like you did, it can’t just shrivel up like that. But something is repelling him from you right now and you’ll just have to trust that he’ll sort his own magnet out. Later, you can decide if he’s worthy of another chance or not. For now, you’re doing the right thing by focusing on you.
My heart hurts so bad still seven months later I unfriended him on fb which made me cry I stopped talking to him completely. I couldn’t stand seeing him online it was too painful. I need for him to be out of my sight. I can’t stand seeing him. Need to move on.
The moving on will come, I promise. Try exercising — it doesn’t matter what kind. It’s the quickest way to transform stuck energy.
I’am a 14 years old. And I have been loved a someone. Its my first love. I don’t know are we are friend or we are more. But I just be happy with our relationship. He teach me,he care for me. He make me feel special,but then,he leave me. And I still thinking of him,this is five month since he leave me. Sometimes I just hate me,sometimes I missing our memories. Sometimes I think love is real,but sometimes I just think love make me feel stupid.
I had my heart broken when I was 14 too. First heartbreak is often the most painful. I promise you that it will get better and you will be happy again!
I truly want to thank you. When I’d first stumbled across your blog, I considered it bluff and was desperate to find a way to get him back. Now 2 months later, I’m back here and I understand why things had to happen the way they happened.
I feel a lot stronger and I feel happiness seeking back into my life. I cried everyday for the past 2 and a half months but as of yesterday, I didn’t. I didn’t feel the need to anymore and something just snapped. You’re right about the magnets, maybe he’ll figure it out. All I know is that I don’t want him back anymore, he wasn’t good to me towards the end of our relationship and I definitely deserve a good guy. He’s changed a lot.
I feel like I’ve let go. I trust that I will find love again, even if it’s not him.
Thank you.
Hi Kelly!
Aww I get it. I used to read all the stuff on the internet about getting the ex back and I totally thought it was BS until I too “snapped” and started feeling so much better! You’ll be surprised at how quickly things will accelerate now and you’ll just become more and more free. That’s the thing about sorrow– it totally hollows you out so you can hold even more joy. ❤️
I want to first take the time and say thank you for your inspirational and very helpful post. You have made a lot of people realize a lot of things and have helped ease the process of getting over a tough break up.
I wanted to share a little bit of my story and what I have been going through. I was in a relationship for six years with an amazing guy and my very best friend. We fell in love at age 14 and had been together ever since. Our relationship has always had ups and downs, but it’s hard trying to figure out how to work a serious relationship when you’re a teenager. We’ve gone through a lot together. I would say the last year of our relationship was by far the hardest. I was living on my own for the first time while he was still living at home trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to do in life. I always felt like he was jealous of me going to college and knowing for sure what I wanted to do with my life. It always hurt me when he would make me feel bad for him falling behind rather than supporting me for working hard ya know. He had a lot of trust issues with me, but for no reason at all. I was a college kid who wanted to have the college experience and go to parties and make memories with my college friends. He would always ask if I was cheating on him or sleeping with other guys. It would really hurt my feelings and I would tell him and he would apologize but he continued to do it. I have always had a temper and always say what’s on my mind with him. I would say some of the meanest things that would really hurt him. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. I wasn’t thinking. We both were very immature and always talked about how we needed to work on communication and trust issues. Aside from all the fights he was the one who could always make me feel better. At peace in a way.
We ended things in January and I thought it was only going to be temporary like it always had been before. Well, seven months later, we are still not together and I have never felt more lost in my life. It’s like my best friend is no where to be found and all I want is to feel better but I feel like the only person who can make me feel better is him.
I’ve changed a lot over the last couple months. I’ve definitely matured and have a new outlook on relationships. Especially my relationship with him. Every so often we will go periods of no contact, but it’ll only lead to him texting me wanting to hang out because he missed me or something. It makes me feel so great to hear those things. We hang out for several weeks at a time, and then all at once he goes MIA with me. He will tell me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship or that he just wants to be alone. He also has been hanging out with this girl since this all started, which has caused a lot of problems. He will lie to me and tell me that he doesn’t have feelings for her, and then I will find out that he is taking her to dinners or hanging out at her house. He is several years younger than him so sometimes I feel like he can relate to her more than me. In May, I had asked him if he had feelings for her and he said he did and that we should end things. So that was it. I stopped talking to him, blocked him out of my life. About a month later, he stops by my place talking about how he missed me. We begin talking again and go to dinners and it’s great! I really felt like we were gonna try things out again. But of course, things headed south. We got in an argument about the girl he was seeing becAuse I still felt insecure or as though he liked her. He would tell me he didn’t but in a very harsh manner. Basically, he told me that he just wanted to hang out again to see if things would be better between us, but that he wanted to be alone again. I told him that I couldn’t handle these mood swings and that our relationship only works when it’s convenient for him. He apologized and said he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him or how to get out of this rut. He’s not the same guy anymore. It’s like he’s been brainwashed and doesn’t care about hurting mine or anyone elses’ feelings. (The girl doesn’t know that he was hanging around me or talking to me again either). He’s been lying to everyone! I wish I could help him on the right path again but all he is doing is pushing everyone away. He gets upset when he hears about me going out on dates and says that it hurts him but he can’t be mad.
I just don’t understand! I don’t know where his mind is or what he wants! Everyone tells me to stop waiting around and to move on because obviously he doesn’t care about me, but I feel like this isn’t the real him and that he will come to his senses any day now.
I wish he would want to work on things but I know that I can’t do anything to convince him. Basically, I want to know if it’s normal for me to keep holding on. Is it bad that I go about my day to day life and still hope and pray that it will be me and him in the end. You know when you look at someone and you get that feeling that you know they’re the one, well that’s what I feel with him. Through the good times and the bad I want it to be us.
I’m having a hard time letting go. I can tell myself “I’m moving on” and I can tell myself “I don’t deserve this” but in the back of my mind I always think “he will come back. He will snap out of this. We can make things better.” I feel crazy and helpless and just wanna read what’s inside his mind. Does he still have hope for me too? Or am I misreading everything. Is he scared to get hurt again? Or is he scared to let me go incase he can’t find something better? So many questions. So many sleepless nights. They say time helps but it’s been seven months of a nonstop roller coaster and I wanna get off but I’m afraid if I get off, I’ll lose him forever. PleAse any advice will be great! Did you feel like this ever and if so do you have any advice on how to make your mind and heart gradually let go.
1. Yes, I felt like that. But I still had to let him go.
2. Something has to change with him. He has low self esteem and he’s insecure. Plus, he’s not comfortable being honest.
3. Since it can’t work out until HE changes (love is not enough), you can’t keep waiting for him to make a choice to do so. You must must must let go.
4. Once he feels he has lost you forever, he MAY (or may not) decide to change.
5. Then, and only then, is it possible that you two could work out.
Look, you can’t keep looking at a painting that’s red and wishing it was yellow. That’s how it is with him. You’re young, you’re ambitious, and yes, you love him, but you can’t stop your life waiting for someone to fix his emotional issues.
Keep going on dates and experiencing the college life, which will end much more quickly than you want it to.
There are many potential partners for one person. Wish your ex well, but don’t invite him back into your life over and over when he clearly is hoping for something outside of himself to fix his feelings. Only he can do that. If he can be mature and accept that, then you can allow him back into your life.
I’m not saying you’ll never be together. I’m just saying right now.
You have to be happy with exactly what you’ve got. Wanting anything else is a recipe for misery.
I have a question, so my ex and I broke up A LONG time ago, which I mean 5 months ago. For the first three months I was wanting him back and mopping around, I even called him a couple times being very upset and wanting to work things out.
Then my ex told me to move on, which stung. But I did, I had a “rebound relationship” which was terrible. I only ended up more hurt.
Then after a couple weeks my ex asked if we could hang out and what do you know, we started seeing each other, hanging out going on dates, etc… then things ended terribly with that because I lost my cool about the break up (which wad a pretty bad break up)
Anyways, I let him go fully. I didn’t contact him; I was moving on with my life and hanging out with my friends.
Then BAM around 3 weeks ago my ex has started contacting ME, it felt pretty good. He would tell me he misses me and he wants to maybe actually get back together but we needed to work things out, I was so on board with this.
Then I found out he was seeing someone, who he claims to be just a friend (since we’ve made plenty)
Last night, he told me that he needs to lay back because his so called “just a friend” is upset that we are talking. He said he is going to text me soon so we can work things out but now I am hurt and angry, why is he doing this?
He’s doing it because he wants you, but he wants her too. And when you let him go completely, it drives him crazy because he doesn’t want to lose you. It’s not wrong or right, it just is what it is.
Life is handing you an opportunity to take some of your power and self esteem back. If I were you, I’d draw a line in the sand with him. He’s going to continue to mess with you until you make it stop.
Hi Jennifer,
I just wanted to THANK you for this post – I’ve read so many post-breakup articles and this one resonated with me the most. Your story is truly one that’s so inspiring and I was hoping you could help shed some light on my situation.
My ex and I split two months ago, right before we were supposed to be taking the next step (engagement) together. We had been fighting for a few weeks before that but nothing so serious that I thought we couldn’t recover from. We come from different backgrounds and while our long term goals and values are aligned (we both want marriage, family, kids, careers etc), our styles are different. For example he is more serious and frugal while I am more laid back and live in the moment. I never viewed these as huge barriers to the relationship, and for me it seemed like normal wear and tear that every relationship could have. Near the end we started clashing more and more, and part of that was due to the fact that I started to push harder to see what I could get away with in terms of “changing” him. The breakup was sudden; he said he didn’t know if he was sure about taking the next step with me, and in the heat of the moment, I declared that the relationship was over since he wasn’t able to commit. It was rash and if I were to be honest, I thought that he would fight to make it work.
We had NC for about a week, after which I reached out to him to discuss things since I felt like things ended too suddenly. We had been together for over two years (this was both of our longest relationships – he is 30 and I am 27). During that conversation, I apologized for my shortcomings and asked if he would be willing to try again. After taking some time to think about it, he came back and in short, the answer was no. He thought that we were too different, and that time apart and space would be good for both of us. He needed to think about what he wants in a partner in terms of shared goals, and that if I were to change I should do it for myself and not because I wanted to fit a mold for him. He did not rule out the possibility of reconciliation down the road, but said that instead of fixing the current relationship, he would rather start fresh in the future “if it was meant to be”. It was vague and the intonation was that it was definitely a “break up” and not a “break” where we would reconvene to discuss the relationship after X amount of time has passed. I accepted his words gracefully, and since then we have had no contact. This was two months ago. I have not dated anyone since, and although I have no way of knowing for sure, I do not think he has actively been trying to date either. Neither of us have ever had experience reconciling with an ex before.
Prior to the split we had discussed engagement, marriage, the whole nine yards. It never crossed my mind that my future would be without him. His family loves me and mine loves him. I’ve done so much thinking since then and I feel like near the end I really dropped the ball in terms of what it meant to be a good partner. I became reliant on him for my happiness, and didn’t focus on myself or personal growth and near the end he may have gotten tired of taking care of me and my demands all the time. I don’t think he was happy with who he had become. If I had this maturity and perspective back then to maintain the relationship properly I really do think this could have been it, for a lifetime, for the both of us. Since the split, I’ve focused on myself, spent time with friends and family, and recognized what a great person I lost.
With that said, what do you recommend I do going forwards? I feel that because I was the last person to make a gesture of wanting to try, I should wait for him to come to me. It could just be a matter of him fearing commitment or not wanting to commit to ME fundamentally, in which case I can’t do anything but move on…but at the same time, I know that a lot of the relationship’s issues stemmed from my behavior and I wish he had a way of knowing that I’ve changed. However, I do grapple with the question of 1) did the breakup set us back too much for us to succeed even if we do try again (ie. can he love me as much as he did before he saw this unflattering side of me?), and 2) should just let this go and take the lessons learned to my next relationship, one that isn’t tainted by an ugly split? I do love him and my preference would be to reconcile, but at the same time I don’t want to overwhelm him or reach out if the timing isn’t right.
Apologies for the length of this post, and thanks again Jennifer in advance for your insight.
Hi there. Please read my second most recent blog, as well as the comments in this blog from other readers. My advice to you will be exactly the same. 1. Feel the pain 2. Let go of your preferred outcome 3. Don’t strategize, just try to return to your own happiness 4. Feel better 5. If he matures and decides to come back, he will.
I know it’s hard, but you have to let go! And trust that everything will work out. Good luck! ❤️
Hi Jessica,
I’m reading your comment about 2 and a half years later and was wondering what happened between you and your ex? I’m going through a very similar – almost identical situation right now ; with me starting arguments, emotional dependency, etc. anyway I hope all have been well!
hi Jennifer,
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog posts and comments to your readers. I’m pretty sure I’ve read them all.
Although I know everyone’s experience is different, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind expounding on a few things for perspective. Your posts say you and C had been dating off and on for quite a few years before the major breakup your posts are about, but what was it about that breakup that made you look at it and fear it differently than the previous “spats” or breakups? Also wondering about C’s reason and demeanor during the breakup regarding the initial things you did ( that most of us dumpees do when we instinctively want to do/say anything to make the dumper change his/her mind)?
My ex and I were off and on over 3 years. With each break or break up being predicated on him getting caught cheating and admitting he wasn’t “ready” for a relationship or the next step or long distance…whatever he could’ve been ready for he wasn’t. Yet, he always suggested it was his hope that I’d “wait” or be around when he changed or figured things out. So the breakups never felt final. And we could never go too long without a text or call to say we miss each other and that’d get the cycle going to on again.
When we started dating he had just turned 21 and I was 23. So I accepted his behavior because I knew he was too young to really be serious. But it didn’t keep us from discussing marriage, kids, and a life together. I was ready and the talks would convince me his readiness was soon come.
Now we’re 24 and 26, respectively. His last flub up I told him I couldn’t take the disrespect and disinterest in “getting ready”…on “being ready.” He didn’t express to me that he hoped I’d wait. And I haven’t heard from him. That was 5 weeks ago…the only thing I’ve heard regarding him is that he asked a friend was I okay one night at 3am, sending her a screen shot of a post on my social media account to explain why he was asking. And he asked her not to tell me he’d contacted her. That was a week ago.
So I said all of that to give bases for my questions. This time feels different. And I know what I have to do to move past it(I’m doing it just find :-D) but this time is the hardest because we’ve never felt “over.” I’ve always known he’d be back. But now..::sighs::
He’s so young and I don’t know if he’ll ever be ready or how long it’d take…i can work on me and be great for 6 months, but 6 years…I’ll likely find someone new by then. And…well, I don’t want that to HAVE to be the case.
Hmm good questions. Well, the previous relationships with C in my 20’s were all pretty light-hearted. But then in my early 30’s, we moved in together and I really deeply knew that I wanted to marry him and have kids, and I knew that scared him. And I lived with him in a guest house on his parents’ property…so I was like, totally dependent on his and their generosity and it created a real lack of power in our dynamic. If we fought, I didn’t even have a place of my own I could go. When he broke up with me, I had to move out and I had nowhere in the world to go. I spent the night in my car. It was the most heart wrenching, awful night of my life.
Re: his demeanor in the beginning, we didn’t talk for a week. Then I noticed he was taking all our pictures off of Facebook, so I called him. And begged. And cried. And while he was kind to me, there was a firm but definite “no” behind everything he said. It killed me; I wish I’d never called him. But I guess, for my sake, I just had to try. After that, I didn’t reach out for a long time. Holidays, sometimes. And eventually, the longer I didn’t reach out, the more curious he got. And the more time he spent on his own, the more he said he started to realize that he had sabotaged the one thing that was blooming in his life, and that the success he was having in his career didn’t mean anything with no one to share it with. But by then I had pretty much gotten over him, so it took a lot more than just a few months for me to even consider seeing him in person again. That’s the short version of that story.
C never cheated. That’s where I draw the line. Even when we were young, he never cheated. I don’t think I could take someone back who had been unfaithful…but I don’t know. I think what is likely to happen for you is that as you continue to work on you, you’ll mature even more and outgrow your ex even more. When you meet up with him in the future, which you will inevitably do, it’ll be like you’re talking to a child. The attraction will have diminished. And as you continue to fortify yourself, you’ll have less tolerance for anyone being dishonest or unfaithful to you. If a partnership is going to lead to marriage and possibly kids, the MINIMUM the partners have to be is honest and faithful. That’s the MINIMUM. Think about that. That’s like, to open a savings account at a bank, the minimum someone has to have is $1. But if you really want to make that account flourish, you have to have way more than that, you know? If you want a possible husband and father to your kids, he needs to be a lot more than just honest and faithful…and right now, he’s not even holding up that part of the bargain. He also needs to be kind, and nurturing, and stick by you when you’re depressed, and keep the romance alive, and so much more.
Hi Jen,
Thank you for taking the time to write this blog and help others to truly let go. I decided to read every. single. comment and was surprised at how much I related to you and other people. So many of my questions were answered. Thank you ♥
I have a question that you haven’t seemed to answer too deeply, though. Is it ever ok during the healing process to wish your ex a “Happy Birthday!” through text? My ex did (3 months after the breakup) and it hurt like hell because I knew he was only doing it to be nice. I didn’t/ don’t need his fucking pity. What hurt the most is that we talked on the phone for 3 hours a few weeks after (on my doing to “prove” to him how much I’ve changed and how we should give us another chance- BIG mistake on my part) and he said how it was hard decision for him to make and how he could have went either way, but ultimately decided it was the “right thing” to do. I didn’t realize that caring about me was such a hard choice for him… We ended the conversation with him “needing time” and me not contacting him while he decides. (Another HUGE mistake because I made myself his second option. He can come back whenever he wants and he knows it.)
I’m really torn on what to do. His birthday is not for another 2 weeks (almost 5 months since the breakup), so maybe I’ll feel differently, but right now I don’t want to be friends. He needs to know what life is like without me. I’ve given him SO MUCH power already and I feel like not wishing him a happy birthday is the only shred of power that I have left. He’ll be expecting me to, I know it, but I also feel like he’ll get mad/ hurt if I don’t say anything to him, especially since he wished me a happy birthday. I’m still moving on and trying to let go. If I knew there was no way we could ever get back together in any way, shape or form, this probably wouldn’t be an issue. He hurt me, but I still have a problem hurting him, which bothers me. My ex is stubborn and I honestly feel like this could be a deal breaker, but then wishing him a happy birthday shows that he still has power and that I still care and am an option. Jen, what would you do?
I wouldn’t wish him a happy birthday. I think you very astutely recognized that you gave up a bit of your power by giving him space and time and he’ll come back to you if/when he feels like it.
C and I played this game a lot. I wished him Happy Thanksgiving. Then he said Merry Christmas. On my birthday, I got so mad that he took so long to say happy bday to me. Then I realized how much power I was giving him so on New Year’s I said nothing to him. That was when he reached out and let me know it hurt him that I hadn’t said happy new year. I was starting to get some of my power back.
I think you’re right — you weren’t friends; you were lovers; and you’re most certainly not friends now, so there’s no need to pretend to be. Let his birthday go by. He’ll be curious as to why you didn’t reach out. And if you read every.single.comment (that must have taken a long time), you already know that curiosity is what you want to create. He probably thinks right now that you are FOR SURE going to say happy birthday. So don’t. 🙂 Surprise him, and get him wondering about you again. But also, I like it that you recognize that he’s not acting like a caring friend to you…so there’s no need for you to act like a caring friend to him either.
Thank you for your reply. Reading every comment took forever, but it was so worth it because I learned so much. You’re right that he isn’t acting like a friend, so why should I? If he’s too stubborn to understand that I need time, then I don’t want him back. I refuse to tip toe around his feelings when he didn’t do the same for me.
When C reached out to you about being hurt, did you reply? I am trying not to think about it because I honestly think my ex is too stubborn to reply, but he might surprise me. My gut is telling me, “I am giving you the time and space that you asked for. We were not friends before our relationship, and I am not interested in being friends now. I have moved on and learned to say “FUCK YOU” to anyone who doesn’t think I’m worth a damn. I deserve more out of life than what you can give me and I pity you for not even realizing what you let go of. The amount of effort and time I was willing to give in order to fix our relationship will not easily be found elsewhere. You messed up and I feel sorry for you. Goodbye.”
Also, I really want to stress how much you’re blog has helped me. Before, I was depressed, but forced myself to try new things hoping that he would come back. After reading your advice, I am now more confident that I am worthy of such a great love that my ex can’t currently provide. I was TERRIFIED that telling him “I have moved on” would send him away forever, but, while he never outright said it, he moved on by dating other people and that didn’t send me away forever. If he wants me, he’ll have to fight for me.
I am in the exact same position. Was with my guy for 3 years. He was 18 years older than me and he ended it 8 weeks ago as we constantly argued. I didn’t see it coming and thought we would get through the rough patch. For the last 8 weeks we have argued,hooked up and tried to be friends. But it hasn’t worked. Yesterday after some nasty text messages to each other,he suddenly stopped replying. I called him today and he said that there is no reason for us to speak anymore and at the moment he is angry for the way I spoke to him on the text messages. He says that maybe one day he will forgive me for them but right now he can’t. He says he doesn’t want to see or speak to me again. I’m heartbroken. I always thought we would get back together but now he doesn’t even want to speak to me. We have both done and said hurtful things. He was even texting my ‘so called best friend’ behind my back. I can forgive his mistakes but he can’t forgive mine. Will he ever speak to me again? Or is it time to let go?
He’ll speak to you again. This is a cycle the two of you are going through — come together, fight, pull away, come back together. I would ask myself why I kept going back to a destructive cycle. Constantly arguing? No thanks. I dated a man 14 years older and it was the same terrible cycle. I was lucky I got out! I would really work on letting go, of him and the cycle you’re both in.
Thanks for your reply Jen.
I am really working on letting him go. It seems that he wants me to now so I have to respect his wishes.
Through all the arguments and everything else he was still the guy who meant more to me than anyone else. Will it get easier knowing that I have lost him? Is it time to give up hope that me and him are over for good?
Thanks Jade
It will definitely get easier, but you’re in a very different situation than most of the people who write to me, because your guy will be back a lot sooner. Let this be a lesson to you to learn to control your anger and also not to tolerate when you’re spoken to terribly in anger. It’s very destructive for self esteem and it can take you months or even years to rebuild that.
And what about if he isn’t back a lot sooner? What about if this was the final straw for him? He’s never gone days without talking to me but now he has. If I called he would pick up the phone and talk to me. But he would always end it with that he doesn’t want us to speak? Do I just take that literally now? I haven’t contacted him in a day. Shall I just continue with not pressuring him to talk to me?
He’ll be back. Just leave him alone. The only thing that can prevent him from being back is you acting totally desperate to get him back.
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Hi Jen,
I have been working on letting my ex go and I have made serious progress. I have stopped saying his name, I don’t really talk about him much and have my first therapy session coming up soon. I’m not waiting for his phone call, I threw away his stuff and I have been taking care of me a lot more. I want to be happy again and I am sick of crying all the time and feeling miserable. It’s been 4 months and I want to move on and live my life.
The problem is that I’m fearing getting back into the dating game. I’m only 21 years old and my ex-boyfriend was my first boyfriend and the first guy to show any interest in me. In my situation, I feel as if the classic, “You’ll meet someone else!” doesn’t ring as true for me. I can’t get dates, I don’t know why and it bothers me. To make the situation worse, I found out from a mutual friend that my ex has been going on dates with various girls since a month after we broke up. It frustrates me that he seems to have so many options, while I don’t. I joined a dating app and have been talking to a few guys, but none seem interested, even though we “matched” (which means we both “liked” the other’s profile). One guy basically said he was too busy to go out until school started and another guy keeps asking me questions when the answers are on my profile. My friends say it seems like I’m obsessed with finding a new boyfriend and that no one my age takes online dating seriously or wants a serious relationship. I keep comparing all of the guys I meet online with my ex, even though I try not to. Also, I always told myself I would never date online. I always thought it was for desperate people who couldn’t meet people on their own. I feel like the kind of guy I want wouldn’t join an online dating site, but I’m online dating, so maybe there are other guys who share my views? Ugh!
As you can tell, I’m so frustrated and I don’t know what to do. I want to go on dates to prove to myself that I can get dates, to go out and have fun, and that there are people who find me lovable and worthy, but I’m not having any luck. My ex and I were set up by a mutual friend and I didn’t really have feelings for him, but agreed when he asked me to be his girlfriend after knowing him for 10 days because I was desperate. Then, I grew to love him and he became my best friend. So, I don’t really know how dating works. What do you recommend I do? Read dating books? Quit online dating? Give up on love forever?
Haha! I like you! Definitely don’t give up on love forever!
First, acknowledge yourself for how far you’ve come in just 4 months. Not really saying his name and getting rid of his stuff are both huge steps in the process! So you’re really doing much better than you think.
Secondly, it’s your thoughts about dating and online dating that are keeping you from online dating being successful for you. If it REALLY doesn’t feel right for you, then I actually do recommend that you stop altogether because you will draw a negative experience directly to you with the way you’re currently thinking. For me personally, I met a GREAT guy online not once, but twice! And I loved them both. It’s really about perspective.
I think it could be good for you to go on a few dates, even if they’re bad, just to get you back in the swing of things. But I think the thing you need to see is that a great guy will show up for you when you’re ALREADY loving your life. And it’s only been four months. So even though you’re letting go, there is some more healing for you to do AND you need to return to a base level of happiness before you’ll attract a great love. That’s the way life works, babe. The minute you accept being single, and the freedom contained within being single…you may actually REALLY start to like it. And that, my dear, is exactly when your next love will show up.
It sounds like you need a confidence boost. Therapy will help a bit. Weird question — have you been exercising? If not, get thee to a gym immediately. Even if you don’t want to. Actually, especially if you don’t want to. There is literally no quicker way to get more confident and the really intense soreness will only last about a week. As you get stronger physically you will get stronger mentally and that will sky rocket your self esteem. Trust me. (It’s also a great place to get out your anger toward your ex!)
Hi, Jen,
Just giving you an update. I have been exercising more and have really felt the difference. I even went jogging with a new friend last week. I’ve been trying to be more social and have going out more. More importantly, I have been making progress towards being ok with my alone time. Being physically alone used to terrify me, but I’ve learned to embrace it. I find that whenever thoughts of, “You’ll be alone your entire life.” flood in, I stop, breathe and focus on something in the present, such as the color of the car in front of me or the shape of the trees. I also always have a book with me, so if I’m ever waiting for something, I can focus on reading. Also, after sorting through several jerks, I have a casual lunch date this afternoon with a nice guy I met online 🙂 He actually texts me and asks how I’m doing instead of commenting on how hot I am!! Instead of talking to my usual 20-22 age group, I ventured to more of the 22-24’s and found they’re a lot nicer (and way more mature). Also, I got a sexy new haircut and bought a new outfit!
Something that still bothers me a little, though not as much as before, is the fact that about 2 months ago, my ex mentioned how he still cares and misses me. He also specifically noted how he didn’t want to cut off contact. Yet, he hasn’t reached out since then…. Honestly, I’m still working on me and want to see what else is out there and I would have asked him to stop contacting me if he did, but the fact that he hasn’t confuses me. Even after almost 5 months, I’m still somewhat shocked at how he could be so stupid and not realize what he let go of. It’s almost insulting. He began dating around ONE MONTH after the breakup, which is even more insulting. Also, I’m concerned about a mutual friend of ours. She really helped me the past few months and gives great advice, but she has been friends with my ex for several years. From my understanding, they aren’t that close and he has questioned her character a few times, but I’m not sure what she’s telling him. I gave her permission to say whatever she wanted because part of me felt like she was going to anyway and the other part doesn’t want to have to worry about what he (or anyone) thinks. I just hope he doesn’t start pumping her for info. Honestly, until I decided to move on and stop talking about him, I asked about him a lot. Did you ever feel weird talking to mutual friends?
Yes, I felt very weird talking to mutual friends. My best friend is married to C’s brother and when I had nowhere to live, I stayed with them for a while. And many of our friends were mutual, which was painful…but I knew better than to talk to them about him. I’d had that go wrong before. I’d stick to talking to your own friends about it if possible.
I’m sure he did miss you and want to stay in contact, but when you continued to ask him not to contact you, he listened. Wanting him to NOT listen to you means you want someone who doesn’t care about your feelings. You asked him to stop, so he stopped.
Don’t get hung up on the little things, you’re doing great. Keep focusing on yourself, working out, meeting new people and seeing friends. It will get easier and easier and the little things that bother you will bother you even less. You will likely hear from your ex again the minute you’re into a new guy…I don’t know why that happens but it almost always does, so be prepared. 🙂
Thanks for the reply! I’m sorry if I may have not made myself clear, but my ex has NOT tried to contact me since saying he didn’t want to cut off contact, which confuses me. If he had tried at all, I would have asked him to stop, but he hasn’t tried… ever. That makes me think he just told me things to make me feel better. Why say you don’t want to cut off contact, but not contact someone? I hate the false hope he gave. Sure, I definitely should NOT have tried to get him back, but stringing me along (whether intentionally or unintentionally) was wrong too.
I have pretty much eliminated the subject of my ex from my vocabulary, so our mutual friends don’t hear anything from my end anymore. Also, I have confided more in my own friends, who have little or not personal stake in my ex, when I have to get something off my chest. I feel like I should have done that in the beginning, but this mutual friend had a similar breakup to mine and was so easy to relate to.
Thanks again 🙂
Ahhh sorry I misunderstood! Well, the truth is that it would have been harder if he HAD contacted you, because that would have given you a different kind of hope. It’s better that he didn’t because being angry at him helps you get over it a little faster. I know it’s annoying. Hang in there!
Hi from Brazil, Jen! 😀
I’ve read your post and some comments here. It’s just flabbergasting how life works! I am just amazed!
I met a guy to whom I fell hopelessly in love with…and we broke up. He has vanished from my life! Never saw him again, but still love and want him back.
Just yesterday I went out with some friends. And the capital of the state in which I live is vere touristic and beautiful, the name is Florianopolis, and full of popular culture. We went to a part of the island with strong azorian heritage, In a shop there we can find a handicrafted witch and with just a coin you get advice from her. My advice was something like: “you need a lot of energy to dedicate yourself to a stituation, a person or activity. Reise your head and keep on.” At the same time it was playing Amelie Poulein’s soundtrack on the radio – very special to me. I just cried a lot hugging my friend. It was magical. He will come back, I just need to let him go.
And today the frist thing I read is your blog. And it all matches! I do understand that I need to detach, let it go (which does not mean stop loving). I understand that I am important. That I need to focus on me. And by viribrating in a good energy, feeling of love and not pain, happiness will happen. And through that a miracle will happen.
I’m feeling good, baby 😉
Lots of love to all from Brazil!
Argos ❤
Hi Argos,
You are totally right. I remember experiencing many “signs” that my ex would return also — weird things that made my friends think I was crazy. The most difficult part was truly letting him go so that he could return. Good luck to you and be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to heal, and give him the time he needs to realize he misses you.
Hi Jen,
So I came across this due to a recent break up, we had been together for almost 2 years, and I can honestly say this relationship was so unexpected, but so great we spend almost every day together, head of heels. I was his first girlfriend, first everything at 21. We started to fight over stupid stuff and he said he couldn’t do this … I didn’t know what to do, I freaked that I was losing him, I begged cried everything I just wanted him back, we tryed it again, it was for a few days but he said he just couldn’t do this. It’s been almost 2-3 weeks since we’ve been over, over the time I’ve ignored him, but some how we would talk and he said he needed time, but I discovered he was really close with this other girl. I just didn’t understand how we talked about everything, future, even engagement. The guy who he’s is now isn’t the guy I knew, yes I’m young and people say move on. I ended up in the hospital because of all the stress. He’s now completely blocked me out of his life from social media, to my number.
It hurts, and I just don’t know what to do because over the 2-3 weeks I’ve got I just need time or I still do love you, I’m holding on to the fact that there could be us again he would say…. It did get out of hand towards the end, my brother stepped in and said not to contact me, I know it’s just what brothers do
But anyways I feel like he’s not going to come back now, but my “gut” feeling says this isn’t over. I’m just confused, I’m trying to move on but it’s hard and it hurts. I just want him back, just something about him was different than any guy I’ve dated. My family says he’s not worth it, but I know he is …. Just hoping it isn’t too late, but I know I have to move on because dwelling in my heartbreak isn’t helping me
You have to fix what’s broken in you before you can fix what’s broken in him. He won’t come back to you like this. You’re desperate and you’re upset. You need to spend quite a bit of time healing yourself and increasing your self esteem and confidence. It will take months. Once you do that, he will very likely come back. I went through the same thing. It took 6 months for me to be happy again. It felt like a long time but it was very worth it. I know you’re in pain but it’s very important that you do this. Sending you love.
Thank you, as of now he has a new girl after just 2-3weeks and has blocked me out of his life, even changed his number. It’s hard to accept it but I don’t think he’s ever going to come back, I could of handled things different, I should of but I dug my hole deeper, how do I deal with the fact that he’s mostly likey not coming back?
The same way you deal with it if he was coming back. Face your pain, cry as long as you need to, don’t blame yourself but also accept responsibility that the insecurity and fighting drove him away, and do something every single day to take care of yourself.
I’ve written a TON of posts on this website about healing from breakups. Read them. Also read the other comments everyone has posted here. That will help.
Thank you again! Reading them has made me feel better! And it’s gonna hurt, but I’m going to move on with my life, and maybe if we’re meant to be he’ll come back. I just have to face my fear that it’s really over for now!
Yes. That’s always the first step. That relationship that you had with him IS over. If he comes back, you’ll have an entirely new relationship — trust me!
And don’t worry about the other girl. There is absolutely positively no way it’ll last with her. If anything, down the line she’ll make him realize what he had with you. C went on dates and that’s what got him to start coming back. Just relax. Work on you…that’s all you can do, and thankfully, that’s the #1 thing that works!
Hi Jen, thanks for the kindness with which you treat this very sensitive subject, so I’ve been reading through the comments and I’ve not I’ve not seen even 1 that mirrors my situation. I was the one that broke up with my Fiance,this happened last week, he did something that angered me so much that in the heat of the moment I cussed him out(seriously I said some pretty horrible things to him, I used all of his weaknesses and insecurities against him),then I returned his ring and stormed out, 24hours later and I’m begging for another chance but he wants Nothing to do with me. Does any of your advice apply to me? My guilt is killing me, how could I treat someone I love like that? And why in the world will be want to have anything to do with me
I need more information. What did he do that contributed to you reacting that way?
We were supposed to go somewhere together at a certain time say 6pm, when he came to pick me up I wasn’t ready at all, so he was really angry with me because this was a prearranged time and I should have been ready, I apologized but he wasn’t having it and told me he wouldn’t wait for me, that he was leaving(now it would have taken me all of 10mins to get ready, I don’t wear makeup so it’s basically shower and dress) I actually had no problem with that him leaving without me because I know the place and can find it by myself but I had no cash on me for a cab and I don’t drive(that’s why he came to pick me up) so I asked him for money for a cab(where I stay cabs are cheap, say like $8, I’m not in the USA) he refused to give me that and stormed out so I had to stay home all night by myself(we don’t live together, I was visiting him when this happened so I was his guest) I was so sad, now the event was an all night thing that I’ve been planning on going for weeks, in fact my visiting him was mostly for this event because his house is nearer than mine, so for him to be so angry with me for not getting ready that he condemned me to not attending something that’s been in the works for weeks was pretty hard for me to forgive. Later in the night he texted me to apologize, saying he was just angry, that’s why he acted the way he did, but he made no attempt to come get me even though the event was 10mins from his house and there is never any traffic on that route. Our plan was to have dinner at a restaurant, then go to the event, but since that didn’t happen and there was not a single food in the house my last food was breakfast, by the next morning I was starving, he isn’t yet back for an event that ended 5am and it was 8am, I called and asked him when he was coming back, he said 10am,i lost it, I called him selfish, I waited for him to come back till 12 noon and he still haven’t come back coupled with countless calls that I made to his phone that he never picked, so I went to use the ATM, then went to have breakfast, by the time I was done and came back to the house he has locked me out, changed the locks, I never saw that one coming, I had no idea what to do and where to stay I was stranded, all my stuff was still inside his house, I called him multiple times but he didn’t pick, I went to his work place they said he wasn’t there, Jen trust me when I said I went a little mad, I went to a coffee shop where I stayed and periodically call him with no response, I sent him a text saying please come and open your door so I can collect my stuff, called him after then he picked, long story short he finally opened for me, I took my bags and stuff, then that’s when I said all those horrible stuff to him, called him a liar, used curse words, told him I settled by being with him, called him broke ass, it was terrible.
I think I would have been just as angry and I would have said all of those terrible things too. It was a mean thing that he did, leaving you there with no food and not coming to get you when you’d been planning to go to that event for weeks. And then he changed the locks because you went to get food after over 24 hours of not eating? I would have been just as angry and said terrible things too. I think you need to forgive yourself for that. Don’t you?
I think so too but I don’t know Jen, my guilt is killing me, I really really love this guy and for me to say all those things to him? I feel so horrible, and it makes me want him back so much just to prove that I’m nothing like that angry girl. I wish he will give me another chance, I guess I hurt his male pride. I wish I never said anything, I wish I just packed up and left with a word. I don’t remember any of the mean things be did, just the mean words I said.
“…just to prove I’m nothing like that angry girl.”
That’s not about him. That’s about you.
That’s why he doesn’t need to forgive you. YOU need to forgive you.
If I, a total stranger, think your actions are not just forgivable but totally understandable, why do you have so much trouble being gentle with yourself?
If being with someone means I have to wait alone all night or that I don’t get to eat for 24 hours, then I don’t want to be with that person. I’d rather wait for someone who can move past his pride. I’d rather wait for someone who makes sure I have food, even if he’s mad at me.
If being with someone means I can’t express my anger when I feel abandoned, then I don’t want to be with that person.
If being with someone means the locks get changed when I leave to feed myself after being alone since the night before, then I don’t want to be with that person.
If I was your friend and this exact same thing happened to me with my boyfriend, what advice would you give me?
No love at all is better than cruel, withholding, destructive love. You can love yourself better than he loved you.
Forgive yourself. Forget about him for now. He’ll probably be back later but hopefully you won’t want him by then.
Thanks so much Jen, if you were my friend I’ll say, you deserve better, and I really think I do, I just need to constantly remind myself of that. It’s early days still, it hasn’t even been a week, I guess I’m still in shock because the day before THE BIG FIGHT was truly awesome, I felt so connected, I never saw a nasty breakup in the books for us, I’ll be fine, I guess.