Small Life, Slow Life: All the times I don’t like myself.

I don’t like myself when my kid takes forever falling asleep and I’m short as hell and snippy with her. She can’t control when she falls asleep. (But God, if she could!)

I don’t like myself when I overbook my days and even a reasonable family visit feels like a burden.

I don’t like myself when I selfishly think that the timing of a death is going to “spoil” the holiday season. WTF.

I don’t like myself when my kid dumps my coffee over and I react like she burned a Monet painting. It’s coffee on a freaking table, it’ll wipe right up. Same deal when she dumps the murky water of paint all over what she’s just painted. It’s not like I was gonna keep that blurry mess, no need to act like she murdered someone.

I don’t like myself when I’m not understanding about how normal it is that she pushes my limits right now, how natural it is for her to run in the other direction toward the koi pond even though I’ve said No an excessive amount of times.

I don’t like myself when she reaches to nurse in the middle of the night and I would pay any amount of money to sleep by myself with no one touching me.

I don’t like myself when I freak out about the house being a disaster but when a piece of tape falls next to the trash can, I’m not even inclined to pick it up. (I did pick it up, after internally yelling at myself about it.)

I especially don’t like myself when my sweet husband gets the shortest end of my stick, or when I withhold affection because I feel like I can’t be touched by another human being who needs something from me.

I don’t like myself knowing that I treat most of my coworkers better than I treat my family or friends. I’ve known that for a long time, and it kills me.

The difference between me now and me ten years ago is that at the end of the day, I still like myself more than the times I don’t like myself. But man, lately? There lot of days that I don’t like myself.

Sometimes, when she looks at me with so much love in her eyes, it hurts me even worse that I struggle being the mother I wish I could be for her.

Like a fish hook burrowing deep into my heart the harder I try to pull it out.

One thought on “Small Life, Slow Life: All the times I don’t like myself.

  1. I feel so similar about myself at times. I don’t like the way I struggle to keep my patience when things don’t go perfectly because there are other aspects of my life that are already not going right. I think we all struggle with guilt and wishing we handled things better but I bet you’re a more amazing mother and wife then you give yourself credit for. The fact you even care shows that.

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