I sat in my therapist’s office on Friday, trying to find any other subject to talk about instead of the one prominently on my mind. I don’t get to see her that often (maybe once a month?), and I talked about absolutely everything else.
Until I finally said, “So, today is day 100 of writing. And I don’t know what to do next.”
She listened to me postulate and predict, and finally she said, “Well, what was all the writing for? In your mind, what was the point?”
I said it was to get me writing again, to scrape off the layer of rust that had settled over me. To make it routine.
“Well, then I think you have to continue. Right? Maybe it’s not forever. Maybe it’s not always public. You may conceive a second child and be so tired that you can’t write everyday. But while you can, I think you should. And maybe evaluate each season, and see what feels right, then.”
That’s a short way of saying that you guys are stuck with me until the end of 2018, at least. 😉
Today was a little rough. Our garage was broken, and a man worked on it for four hours, only for it to break immediately the first time I used it. My stir crazy kid couldn’t take another second in the house, so we packed up her little pink push-car and walked to the park. I didn’t even take my keys or my purse, and I definitely didn’t bring a diaper or wipes. So you can imagine how that went.
Once we got over that, we were fine. While freezing in the shade, sitting in the sun was wonderful, and I think we were both just so grateful to be outside.
She has strips of hair that are liquid caramel-colored right now, recently lightened up from our Mexico trip. I find myself staring at them as she plays in the sun, admiring the color.
She has been a bit of a tough customer lately, but we were able to recover our day after painting and a visit from my mom.
We were supposed to go see my mom at her house, but with our cars stuck in the garage and waiting all day for the repairman to eventually tell us Yeah, now the motor is broken so basically…not today, we didn’t get out. Thankfully my mom came to us and even got sushi for dinner. She very much brightened all of our spirits, even more so than usual!
Book Update: I finished The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, which I’ve wanted to read for the longest time. As I’ve been reading it, I’ve tried to imagine a life without C, without him always reading my mind and making me laugh and and making me think, helping me parent and agreeing with me on some of my more unpopular opinions, and those were very sad thoughts indeed. And yet, his death, and my death are inevitable. Either I will live without him; or he, me; and there is nothing we can do about that. How do we ever get married and face that we will lose each other?
Answer: we just try not to think about it.
Also, I am over halfway through listening to Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng and I think it is very likely my favorite book I’ve read all year! Ng writes in the exact way I have wished my entire life that I could. And I have searched high and low, and cannot find a single uninteresting character in the entire thing! Has anyone else read this marvelous book? I can’t stop talking about it!
So glad that you are continuing! Love to hear your stories and enjoy your process!