Small Life, Slow Life: Do you trust yourself?

“It’s very interesting when you switch into learner mode,” James said to me yesterday.

He meant: I was acting anxious, jumpy, unsure. He normally knows me as confident, relaxed, easy.

Because he pointed it out, I was able to notice (on the same day even) how I am when I feel that change, or a big choice is looming. I knuckle down and become indecisive to the point of paralysis. I become deeply afraid of loss, of future unhappiness, of choosing wrong.

Where does this come from?

(Choosing not to go back to Japan.)

I remember my first therapist, the one I went to after the earthquake.

“Do you trust yourself?” she asked.

Trust myself? It was not anything anyone had ever asked me before.

“Don’t other people trust you?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t really think they do.”

She cocked her head, looked at me. “You seem like a smart, capable young woman. Make your decisions more confidently,” she said, “and they will.”

So…here’s to making decisions more confidently.

(I never know what the hell I want.)

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