“It’s very interesting when you switch into learner mode,” James said to me yesterday.
He meant: I was acting anxious, jumpy, unsure. He normally knows me as confident, relaxed, easy.
Because he pointed it out, I was able to notice (on the same day even) how I am when I feel that change, or a big choice is looming. I knuckle down and become indecisive to the point of paralysis. I become deeply afraid of loss, of future unhappiness, of choosing wrong.
Where does this come from?
(Choosing not to go back to Japan.)
I remember my first therapist, the one I went to after the earthquake.
“Do you trust yourself?” she asked.
Trust myself? It was not anything anyone had ever asked me before.
“Don’t other people trust you?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t really think they do.”
She cocked her head, looked at me. “You seem like a smart, capable young woman. Make your decisions more confidently,” she said, “and they will.”
So…here’s to making decisions more confidently.
(I never know what the hell I want.)