Small Life, Slow Life: 97/100 {Do we ever stop wanting?}

I was late to work today.

I had it wrong in my calendars (both of them), and it was an unusual start time, and actually starting at that time would have put me into overtime, but regardless, I was late today.

It was one of those things, where although it was completely my fault, it revealed to me a way I was feeling that I may have been hiding from myself a little bit.

I don’t want to be at the mercy of someone else’s scheduling, I immediately thought.

Followed by: I am ready to make my own goddamned schedule.

Now, half of the emotion fueling that was definitely defensiveness and being pissed at myself that I had messed up. But it also was the truth, and I felt it in my bones as such.

I am ready to be free from someone else dictating my schedule. Free from telling my friends or husband, “I’m not sure, let me see if I can get that day off.” From knowing that Saturday nights are always off limits, even if something fun is happening, because ain’t no one gonna wanna cover that shift.

I don’t know if I would have realized this if not for this writing project.

The main thing I feel as I near the end of the hundred days is that I want more time to write. I do not want to be writing while nursing my daughter while putting her to bed, the glow of the phone lighting up my face, sighing at incorrect autocorrect, dealing with her squiggly body as she moves all around.

I want to be at a desk. In a room with a door that closes.

I want to be able to listen to music. To make a writing playlist. To put headphones in.

I want to write in the morning and then have a workout and play with my daughter and spend time with my husband and read some and write again in the evening.

I want, I want, I want…

Do we ever stop wanting?

I watch V lately, and she is a wanting machine. It starts the second she wakes up and it truly never stops.

Want a snack, want to watch Elmo, want to go to the library, want to go to my room, want to go outside, want to scratch your back, want a bottle, want strawberries, want to wear the Moana shirt, want to watch Daniel Tiger, want to read it again.

It never stops.

Anyway, maybe I’m just getting old enough that I don’t want someone else telling me when to be somewhere. (Even if it James telling me, and James is wonderful.)

And old enough that I don’t want to write blogs on my phone, in fact at this moment I want to throw my phone for how off it is and how much it has let me down during this time that I’ve been writing this.

And old enough that I want a natural wake and sleep time. I want to wake up with my daughter with the sun streaming through the windows and feel rested, and like we can start our morning slowly.

And old enough that I can live the life I always dreamed of living.

I want, I want, I want…

…maybe I’m not “old enough” at all. Maybe I’m no different from the two year-old!

3 thoughts on “Small Life, Slow Life: 97/100 {Do we ever stop wanting?}

  1. My dream job is to be able to create my own schedule, and though I still haven’t figured out the perfect formula to achieve that – I still want it! And, don’t dare scroll through Instagram and look at all the beautiful people with their perfect cup of coffee in the most exotic locations, smiling from ear to ear because they can’t believe how incredibly amazing their latte is. 😂 I always wonder what these people actually do for a living but I can’t help but wish life was so simple. I’ve wanted it all, and I have thought of a million different ways to get there. Maybe I’ll be a brand influencer, maybe I’ll be a social media marketing manager, maybe I’ll be a lifestyle blogger. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It becomes overwhelming to even figure out what it is I want to do let alone truly understand what my gifts are and what I can possibly share with the world they haven’t already seen? This blog ties in nicely with your come time, come answer post. One positive thing is that you are ‘doing’ meaning you are just letting yourself write about what you want and that in itself is awesome because many writers feel like they have to fit into a perfect box and be an expert in one subject. Maybe just being yourself and sharing your reality, struggles, joys, disappointments and successes is what you are meant to be sharing right now. We are all on this journey to figuring ourselves out and things don’t always happen the way we planned or on our timeline but continuing to try might be the answer. I’ve never come up with my most creative ideas by doing nothing – they always come when I am involved and participating.

    • Gah, I’m right there with you! I’ve looked into being a brand influencer, but all those ads and strategic product placements make me feel nauseated. It never rings as authentic and I always get sad when someone super cool I’m following, little by little, succumbs to that life and eventually is only posting ads. I get it, people have to make money! I just wish it was different.

      I still don’t know what my absolute dream career would be. I love lululemon most days of the year and even on the days I don’t, I still find things to be thankful for. But gosh, I’d love to own my own schedule. To dictate what is needed and when.

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