I got to be in nature for a long stretch of time today, twice. Which, despite our proximity to the beach and mountains, is not something that happens a lot around here.
For the first stretch, I got up at 6:45am and went with Darcy to Topanga Lookout for a sunrise yoga practice & talk on balance.
Later this afternoon, I took V to the park, just us. It’s a park a little ways from our house, and it’s never busy. My mom used to take to me to this same park when I was V’s age.
Both places, the wind brushed past my face. Both places, flies landed on my arms and buzzed in my ears. Both places, I took deep breaths and felt connected to nature.
This morning, I left rejuvenated and refreshed. This afternoon, V and I both left in tears.
Tears? Seriously. Well, yes.
Anyone who tells you that motherhood doesn’t contain days/moments that are soul-crushing and disheartening…is lying. Your kid can be the most incredible, sweet, smart person. (Mine is.) And your kid can also be difficult, testing, impatient, and even mean.
The park started great. We passed each other laughing on the swings. I helped her climb up to the big kids tower. We ran across the sand.
Then she ate a Cheeto off the ground, put chalk in her mouth, soiled her diaper that also was full of sand, threw sand at me, and then threw my phone in the sand. And freaked out when I said it was time to go.
I got impatient. I hate when it happens. I was tired, my fuse was short.
I need to work on not letting the day go to shit, just because a moment turned to shit. I’m still way too attached to “good days.” But motherhood doesn’t consist of days. It consists of moments. Some good, some…like I said, soul-crushing.
I intend to embrace all of it, not just the parts I like. Not just the parts where she’s sweet and behaves. The full arc of back and forth.
Not so different from the swings, casting revolving shadows back and forth, long after we’d disembarked.