I let him go.
Really.
I know too well what it’s like to be nursing a broken heart, thinking I’d do anything to get back with my former flame. I’ve thought of every tactic out there. Lonely months went by and I slimmed down to a ghostly version of my former, happy self.
I alienated my friends because the breakup was all I could talk about. “But he was The One!” I said to them, over and over.
My work performance suffered because I couldn’t stop the toxic spewing of negative crap from my mouth. I barely slept and became really destructive.
I told myself the myth that if he just came back to me, my whole life would be fixed.
Yeah. That didn’t happen.
Heart on fire, ashes everywhere
— there’s no return from a red like that.MANUEL DE FREITAS
It took a long time to give up on him and realize that I was facing my life alone. But after so much misery and thinking I’d never be happy again, it dawned on me that the worst had already happened, and there was nothing else to lose.
Weirdly, there was a kind of freedom in that thought. It was a clean slate.
I realized I’d totally abandoned myself, and I decided to reclaim my life.
It was during an anti-gravity yoga class that I rocked in Savasana and saw C’s face float in front of my eyes. I looked at it for a long time and softly said “Goodbye.”
Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
So I moved on. I did what they all tell you to do — I spent time with friends, I took up hobbies, I learned to enjoy taking up the whole bed as I slept alone. I spent mornings drinking coffee on my new balcony (instead of bemoaning that I’d had to get a new apartment by myself at age 31 when I thought I was going to be married by then). I exercised and cooked healthy foods for myself.
I tried things I would have never done before. I applied to speak at Beyond Luon. I learned to make kombucha. Eventually, I dated someone else. It took time, but I came back to life and reclaimed my life as my own.
And then, there he was.
After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)
Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?
Giving up.
Surrendering.
Letting go.
Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.
And then, you know what happens?
That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.
(And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours to begin with.)
We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety.
THE I-CHING
So let it go. Stop thinking if you lose the weight, dress sexier, text him/her at 2am, that’ll work out. You’re missing the entire point.
As much as you can’t believe it, that person doesn’t even matter. You can be happy with someone else, eventually. And you can be very happy alone.
You are the one who matters.
Let nothing stand in the way of the happiness available to you at this exact moment.
Then go live your life and be prepared to be amazed.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
EDIT | June 2, 2015: I’m not sure why the comments don’t always show on this post anymore, but you can access them here!
If you have a question, I recommend reading through all 750+ comments before reaching out. Definitely feel comfortable reaching out to someone who has commented who has a situation similar to yours. Be there for each other! For me personally, I just cannot keep up with the amount of comments anymore, and I know I’ve done enough in the 2.5 years since I wrote this blog to help as many people as I can.
As many of you know, C is no longer “my ex.” We reunited in April of 2013, got engaged that September, and were married in August, 2014. 🙂
I had no idea when I wrote this post that it would create such an outpouring of love and questions from you readers. I am amazed everyday by all of you who so bravely and vulnerably share your stories with me here.
The comments per day keep growing, and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up it is impossible to keep up!
I am honored that this little corner on the internet has been able to provide some healing for you. And I’m sorry that I am no longer able to answer any comments here. My first piece of advice is to read all the comments written back and forth before yours — you may find the answer you need in there.
If any part of you believes in the law of attraction, I also recommend reading this and regularly reading these. Both helped me immensely during my breakup.
I wish you quick and full healing.
I am so thankful to you. Love, Jen
small life, slow life 
Hey jen
The guy i was dating…i just broke up wid him
He was cheating on me…he was datng someine else too at the same time..so i jst kickd him out of my life..
Anyways he was not at all making me haplyy.. he never used to give me time …so its kind of good…nd m glad that
He did come to my life because he took my attention off my ex 🙂
I can now send my unconditional love to my ex 🙂
Nd m still waiting for the perfect person i knw that the universe has chosen the best for me 🙂
Like the rest of you, I’m going through an awful separation! My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me 1 month ago because he couldn’t deal with our arguing all the time! Stupidly I reached out to him this week, begging and pleading for one last chance! To which he said no! During this month apart I had a lot of time to reflect and I realised our arguments were down to my insecurities of him not giving me enough time and working too much! A few days later I text again to apologise for how I acted on the phone the other night and tell him in fact this separation is probably for the best, he then replied saying that he loved me but that I would find someone who could make me happier! This all seems so final on his part! I love him dearly and thought he was the one! I love his family and the life we could have had. I feel that he has well and truly checked out and I don’t know how to come to terms with losing the one! I am 30 and have had my fair share of heartbreak but never have I ever felt so strong about someone! I feel completely broken and don’t know how to get myself better!
How do you feel now Jane? I´m 30 and in the same situation you were in 3 years ago. I would love to hear how things worked out for you.
Hi Lindsay, this is such strange timing! So a lot changed since that post. I eventually moved on to meet someone magnificent and perfectly suited to me. We have the same values and are so like minded. We loved each other so much but unfortunately broke up yesterday because he felt that divorcing his wife and leaving his family home ( Indian family) would mean him losing his 16 year old daughter. I feel broken all over again now but this time different because I know we really loved eachother, I could feel his love for me so moving on i fear is going to be extremely difficult. In your circumstance I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Give yourself time, it will take a while I’m sure but you will pull through this. Sometimes they come back, they most often do. I know my ex did but it was too late at that point. Stay strong I really do believe if it’s meant to be it will work out! X sending you love and hugs x
I did not see your reply before now. Wow, such a strange timing for me to ask you. It makes me believe people actually can sence other peoples energy, even with distance in between. The reason for your last breakup makes me feel that this is not the end. Not to give you false hope or anything. I hope you are doing well now, no matter what happend since your reply.
I am still struggeling, I have not detached yet. But I am getting there. I miss him so much.
Wish you all the best, lots of love and happiness!
Jen,
I feel absolutely pathetic, and I feel like my process of letting go has been moving a lot slower than it should.
I know that you have given me all of the advice that you possibly can, I just don’t feel like what I’m going through is fair.
Ive spent my day re-reading through all of the comments on here because I have been feeling down.
My ex had always seemed like the picture perfect boyfriend.. He took me out, told me nice things, had an amazing family that I got along with, got along with my family, is smart and driven, is absolutely gorgeous, and despite having other girlfriends he had never told anyone he loved them.. Until me. And the night that he told me he loved me he also gave me a promise ring.
His family, especially his brothers, were in complete shock that he was doing the things that he was doing and putting so much effort into a relationship because he had never done that before.
I had always felt that even though he was younger than me that he was too good for me, and he always said he felt as if I was too good for him. I had been in an awful relationship before him so i had raised my standards significantly, and he still fit into everything i had every dreamt of.
Im still overcome with this feeling that we are meant to be, and thats whats delayed me being able to let go..
Im struggling because, as you know, he has contacted me about random things, and we live in the same dorm at college.
Tonight I saw that he is at Mizzou, the college we don’t go to, with a mutual friend of ours from high school at a “date” party for the gils sorority. I don’t think he has any sort of feelings for the girl that he went to the party with, but it still isn’t like him to want to get drunk and go to a party where he doesn’t know anybody. He was never like that until we broke up. Thats when he started going out more, adding a lot of girls on social media, and drinking more.
Like I told you in a comment earlier this week, he texted me on Thanksgiving and then the next week when we returned to school he wanted to meet up to get MY earrings back to me. We have exchanged multiple things before this so I’m not sure why he couldn’t leave them outside of my door like other things we have exchanged in the past, or even at the time that we exchanged other things. So to me it was weird. I had been busy and didn’t know when i would be at my room and not busy so that he could bring them by so i told him that if they were that in his way that he could just throw them away. He refused because he said they were “nice earrings” and that i should just let him know when he can swing them by. All i said was “Sounds good!” and i thought the conversation was over.. He texted me again saying “Hey I’m nursing now by the way” (my major)…. and i didn’t reply. thirty minutes later he texted me and said “and I’m chopping all of my hair off tonight!” after a while i finally thought i would reply because he may want to work things out (wrong on my part) and told him to let me know if he needed my old tests to study from, as i am a year ahead of him. He continued the conversation aggressively but eventually i stopped replying because i was going out with my friends and didn’t want to text him anything i would regret. He continued to send me pictures of his new hair cut that night, along with saying that he saw my car parked at our dorm and that i needed to come get my earrings. The next day i texted him and said that i was busy last night and again he asked when i could come get my earrings. and i said “why are you being so persistent about these earrings? chill out” he said that was avoiding getting them from him. I told him that i wasn’t, i was just busy and told him that i had already told him that i would get them from him eventually.
Eventually our conversation died down and then he texted me “you aren’t angry with me because you think/thought that i was talking to somebody else?” which is what he told me when he officially broke things off with me after halloween. He continued to tell me that he didn’t end up pursuing this girl because he only would have to forget about us and that he decided not to because he didn’t want me to hate him.
I told him that it doesn’t matter how i felt but i just thought that he was suer desperate to move on.. to which he replied that he had moved on. Like i said i had immediately gotten upset and asked why he was talking to me i he had already moved on, etc. It came to me telling him to never contact me again and leave my earrings outside of my door, and he replied “mhmm okay!”…. And my earrings have never been placed outside of my door. I also received three texted from him the next day, despite me telling him to never text me again, but i never replied.
Im really sorry i keep asking for your advice and telling you everything, it just feels nice to get everything out and have somebody outlook on my situation. Even just Typing i feel a ton better.
Before typing this i was bawling because i had seen snapchats that he was at mizzou and was absolutely broken apart.. asking “why is he acting like this? this isn’t the man i know. He doesn’t like the party scene. He doesn’t like getting drunk and hooking up with random girls”.. my parents console me telling me that “he just doesn’t feel like you do. he depose have a heart. he doesn’t have feelings for you.
But them telling me that just hurts me worse, because the way he has texted me tells me the opposite. You don’t keep in contact and dig for things to keep in contact over if you don’t have feelings for someone anymore.. right?
i know that he is no good for me right now, and that the person he is being isn’t him. But everything see,s incredibly unfair. Why isn’t he suffering while i am? Why is it so easy for him to move on and forget about me?
I am also brought back to “WHY IS THE UNIVERSE/GOD PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS?”. I have prayed that if it isn’t meant to be to keep him away from me, and bring me something better. I have been trying to let go for four months now, despite him still hooking up with me and trying to “work on things” or wanting to be “friends” with me. I have changed my life for this man. Transferred from my dream school (Mizzou) to a smaller school close to him so that we could continue on with our relationship without distance. Then he breaks up with me just when things seem to be perfect because of our “arguments”… as soon as i feel like I’m sort of okay without him and stop seeing him so much he lets me know that he has changed his major to nursing.. MY MAJOR. so i will continue to see him for the next 2.5 years. How will i ever get over him? How is this fair?
Is it okay to still feel like this? I am seeing a therapist every two weeks.. but she tells me that he isn’t done and gives me advice on how to handle when he texts me again. I love her to death and getting everything out to her really does make me feel better.. but its also allowed me to hold on.
If you were me, how would you hand this? Is it normal for me to feel like this?
Again, I’m incredibly sorry for such a long post but i feel like nobody that I’m comfortable enough to share my feelings with understands what I’m going through.. my sister is engaged to her high school sweetheart and my parents are high school sweethearts.. they’ve never had a broken heart. I come to you because i know you’ve probably felt the way that i feel..
I haven’t given him the satisfact of knowing that I’m hurting at all lately. Is this how men cope with breakups? to completely act the opposite of themselves?
Is this what j get for not showing him that I’m hurt? I’m hurting and I feel like he’s okay carrying on with life.
Not to mention his friends have written nasty things on my car this week and he still parks to me ever single day. He knows I study in the library with my girlfriends and he usually studies in the lab.. Yet this week he has showed up to the library…
I don’t understand why he keeps rubbing in my face that he’s fine.
You just need to be more patient, Ashlee. First loves take a long time to get over and you’re still seeing him all the time, plus he pops in from time to time. It was a solid six no thus before I began to feel much better. You will get there, but you have to stop overreacting and overthinking and just take things day by day. It’s okay to have a bad day. It doesn’t mean all your progress is gone. You really just need to hang in there and allow yourself to grieve the loss of him.
Thank you Jen. I’ve definitely let myself hurt today. It seems like every so often I need a day to just lay in bed and watch Netflix.
Do you believe that since I’m his first love, that it’s taking him just as long to get over me even though he says that he’s already moved on?
And should I stop going to my therapist if she’s allowing me to hold onto hope by telling me that he’s likely to pop in? im finding comfort in my therapist putting the pieces together of why he’s acting the way he is but I’m still trying to focus my attention on things other than him. She’s also helped me focus my thoughts on other things and controlling my anxiety on the situation.
I really can feel myself starting to detach from him. Because I’m beginning to find peace in the fact that if he is human, he will eventually feel guilty and I will have closure, and decide where to go from there.. And if he doesn’t realize the things he’s done to me he’s never going to work with anyone else because he will probably repeat the same behavior. (Also insight from my therapist) After re-reading everything I realize that I am doing everything I can at this point, as far as handling things with him. I just need to learn to trust myself.
I’m incredibly proud of myself for not reaching out during my breakdowns recently when I know he’s out. A month ago I would have repeatedly texted him and freaked out.. And that would have been followed by even more pain feeling like I sabotaged my own progress.
Thank you again for everything. Again, after re reading everything again it really is amazing how comforting and incredibly on point your words are. Everything you say really is starting to make sense. Without this blog id probably still be begging for him back and doing everything wrong.
🙂 You’d still be okay, even without this blog. There’s a huge part of you that wants to move past this and feel better. That part of you is a fighter. You need to trust + listen to her more.
I think you just need to give your therapist the feedback that it doesn’t help you to hear “He’s not done” or “He’ll be back.” Tell her you want to focus your sessions on getting yourself stronger and letting go. She’ll hear you loud and clear. I’d keep going to therapy…it helped me immensely during my breakup.
And this is the part of the comment where I tell you that I don’t know him, so I don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing. What I do know is that he’s immature and I think, when you’re healed, that you can do better. How they treat you during a breakup is just as important as how they treat you during the relationship. And so far he’s been wishy washy, manipulative and hot and cold. Not good stuff — these are red flags that this is NOT the guy for you right now. Maybe he’ll realize in time and apologize. By then, you will be must stronger and the words you waited to hear for so many months won’t matter the way you thought they once would.
Did you ever second guess when C came back that you could do better because he had hurt you during your breakup? When he can back how did you get past the fact that he had put you through things during your breakup that hurt you?
I mean everyone does and says hurtful things during a breakup, right? Is it likely that this is a phase and that he could realize the damage that he has done?
If he ever does come back, how will I know that I’m Doug the right thing by taking him back or choosing to move on? How did you know what was best for you?
1. Yes.
2. It took so long. It took so long for me to trust him. We’re happy now, but it’s why I don’t generally recommend going back to an ex. We did six months of premarital counseling and we took it really slow. The first time I went back to his house (where the breakup happened) I had a full anxiety attack.
3. You won’t know you’re doing the right thing. You’ll second guess yourself all the time. I wrote a blog about this very thing: https://smalllifeslowlife.com/2015/03/09/small-life-slow-life-what-getting-your-ex-back-will-look-like-hint-its-not-what-you-think/
If it’s possible, I may have already experienced a few of the things you described in that post. My ex wanted to “work on things” … In a casual relationship without a title in October and I settled for that. I probably hadn’t let myself heal enough and I definitely hadn’t let go of him by then. I still didn’t let myself open up despite the fact that he was overwhelmingly loving towards me. And I didn’t notice I was acting like that until now. I was still scared that he would walk out. I was still accusing him of playing the field. I wasn’t ready to work on things and I definitely wasn’t ready to only settle for a casual relationship. I’ll never settle for that from him again. But I notice now that because I hadn’t let go or healed myself, the same reasons we broke up resurfaced. I should have told him to hit the road the way that you did with C the first time he asked for a casual relationship.
My therapist has also taught me that if he comes back I have to make a list of the things it has to look like in order for me to take him back. Not that I’m planning on it, but it won’t be easy and I won’t settle. It will be on my terms.
That’s good. It means you’re beginning to have standards. 🙂
Ashlee,
I’ve been following along with your story/growth. Keep it up. It’s impossible to believe, but someday (soon) you’ll get to a point where you can finally breathe and you’ll be free.
I wish that I could lift you from where you are and place you where you will be in a few months… but I know doing that would keep you from learning valuable lessons, and skills you’ll need for the rest of your life. I remember finding Jen’s blog and praying that I could just be where she was (with regards to growth) but I am SO glad that didn’t happen, because the breakup process – the ups and downs – taught me how to put myself first; how to set boundaries, how to love my own company, and how to love the people in my life so much harder.
So while my heart hurts when I read your story, I am so excited for the new Ashlee that will emerge from this.
Sending you a virtual hug and so much love at this vulnerable time in your life.
xox
Jen,
Since u last commented I have been very busy with finals and everything so I’ve done good keeping myself busy and happy.
I think I have gotten through the anger part, as im no longer mad or resentful towards him… But I feel like it’s made it harder to let go of him. I genuinely miss my best friend. The thought of him forming a relationship with someone else breaks my heart. Not that he is.. But eventually I’m sure he will. I truly wish that I could just stay mad at him.
I haven’t reached out to him or anything since j ignored him and told him not to contact me but Wednesday my dog died and his mom saw it on Facebook and told him. He texted me saying he was sorry, and to wish my family a merry Christmas and to have a good winter break. I wished him the same and that was it. But leaving it at that made me sick. All I want is to communicate with him. I truly feel like we could work. I’m tempted to reach out and just ask to see him over break. What should I do?
I don’t understand how he doesn’t feel the same. There’s no anger between us and we were seriously the best of friend and I miss his companionship. I’m heartbroken that since he already wished me a merry Christmas and told him to have a good break I most likely won’t hear from him for the next break.. Should I reach out?
Nope.
It’s still absolutely terrifying that I won’t ever have him in my life again. I’m having a really hard time with the fact that it’s really over
That’s okay.
When does it get easier? He still seems like the perfect person to me and it’s incredibly hard to picture myself with anyone else.
It’ll get easier when it gets easier. Most likely when you stop fighting the process.
Do you think there’s still a chance of him coming back or at least chasing after me?
Not answering this.
Hey Jen it’s been a while since I commented thought I would update you.
I’ve come a long way, it’s been 4 months since my break up and she is still with the rebound she got with shortly after but I’m doing well. I have not reached out to her, I still love her with every piece of my heart. Regardless whether she misses me or not or whether she’s changed the negative feelings toward me I’m okay. I’m going to New York with my brother for Christmas to see my dad and a lot of my other family. I’m happy if she is happy even though coming back home and not going to see her and her family will probably hurt it has not hit me yet. But the other day I went on a cruise I let out a good cry, reminiscing our great times together, it wasn’t a hurtful cry it felt good to be honest, I’m not sure why listening to Biebers new album every song reminds me of her. It was weird listening to it thinking of our good times it was a strange sense of hope that what I’m doing now letting her go letting her be. I think it will all come back one day, kinda the same way you said you felt. But regardless if I ever hear from her, ever see her again Or her being mine again and/or seeing me in a positive way able to see the good in us or the memories without the negatives. Regardless if all or none of it comes to be I will be okay. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t want it to happen. But thank you for all the advice you’ve given me. I’ve come a long way and I made myself a better more loving, caring person
Thank you
Josh
Hi Ashlee,
I couldn’t help but respond to your message. I really feel your pain and I truly wish the pain was lifted. I know it sounds scary of never hearing from him again but it will be okay. I thought the exact same thing when I thought I’d never hear from my ex again. The world seemed voided and empty with the thought of him never being in my life again. Now almost 8 months later, I honestly feel good. I’m in Colorado for vacation and I feel incredible. It’s been a long journey, it was hard but I’d do it all over again. It was hard losing him but I found love for myself and this life. I just stopped fighting myself. You only have this one life, live it well. That pain from the break up taught me to love myself the most because at the end of the day, I only have me. Time is an essential to your healing but so is your role which is acceptance and letting go. Verbal affirmation truly helps. Try new things, meet new people, travel. Live your life as if you only have today. It’s your life, take back your control. It’s yours to have and hold, not your ex.
Ashlee, read Secrets of an Irresistible Woman: Smart Rules for Capturing His Heart! (http://amzn.to/1mQsL1p) Go read the reviews if you must, but get this book and don’t do ANYthing until you finish it. It really works! ♥
Hey Jen it’s been a while since I commented thought I would update you.
I’ve come a long way, it’s been 4 months since my break up and she is still with the rebound she got with shortly after but I’m doing well. I have not reached out to her, I still love her with every piece of my heart. Regardless whether she misses me or not or whether she’s changed the negative feelings toward me I’m okay. I’m going to New York with my brother for Christmas to see my dad and a lot of my other family. I’m happy if she is happy even though coming back home and not going to see her and her family will probably hurt it has not hit me yet. But the other day I went on a cruise I let out a good cry, reminiscing our great times together, it wasn’t a hurtful cry it felt good to be honest, I’m not sure why listening to Biebers new album every song reminds me of her. It was weird listening to it thinking of our good times it was a strange sense of hope that what I’m doing now letting her go letting her be. I think it will all come back one day, kinda the same way you said you felt. But regardless if I ever hear from her, ever see her again Or her being mine again and/or seeing me in a positive way able to see the good in us or the memories without the negatives. Regardless if all or none of it comes to be I will be okay. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t want it to happen. But thank you for all the advice you’ve given me. I’ve come a long way and I made myself a better more loving, caring person
Thank you
Josh
Hi Josh,
Sounds like you were able to release some of the pain and let go. I can feel the peace radiating from your words. I know how much you were struggling before and I’m super proud of you. Pain and missing her are still both totally normal and know that it will continue to get easier from here on out. I hope you have the best holidays and continue on your path of least resistance. Keep me updated. I’m happy for you!
Update – It’s almost four months since we broke up. Becoming stronger but still hurting and sad when I think of him. Hurting when I think he is with someone else. I try not to think of him. I guess I have my moments but overall better than I was. I let him go because I had to. I am going out and keeping busy. He is traveling to Europe with his new girlfriend. And to our honeymoon destinations. Seems like universe keeps hating on me while I am not even seeking answers anymore.
He moved on pretty quick. I had no other choice but to accept it because I lost him and everything I was looking forward to.
I am glad I am stronger and in a better place. I am sad that he is not the one for me.
It’s pretty hard to comprehend all of this and seems unfair.
Hi-
I had been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half…. 10 months doing long distance, border to border, him in Canada, me in the US. Finally after 10 long months of traveling back and fourth, we decided we needed to take the next step. I quit my job, left my family, friends, and place, and up and moved my life to Canada. Now I wasn’t allowed to work yet there, as I am a nurse trying to get my license to transfer. It was a long long process, which made for very long, lonely days of being by myself while he was at work. We sometimes would get into arguements when alcohol was involved because I would let it get the best of me, and lash out on him my stressors. I never really complained at all when I didn’t have any alcohol, and we were living every day life because I never wanted him to think I was stressed or down at times since he was so good to take care of me and bring me into his home. He owns his own business, makes his own hours, and spents a good amount of time golfing in the summer, and playing hockey in the winter. I never spoke up because I wanted him to feel like he could still have his life with me living there and not always worry about me, but I wish I had spoke up about how it was hard at times, feeling independent, making my own group of friends and having my own sense of purpose there. We were such a great couple, very happy, and he was always extremly loving and adored me. I never thought he would do this to me. We got in disagreements like every few weeks, and finally one Sunday, a few weeks ago, after a night out on Saturday and a stupid insecure comment about flirting with other girls… (He wasn’t, but I was under the influence, and just feeling down…) He asked me to go home… We both cried, and cried and cried, and packed my car, and I moved home.
He still has half my stuff, which he said he will bring down. He packed everything up in boxes. He said he is done for good and will never marry me…. Two things I could never have imagined. He was beyond happy leading up to this, just a few days before talking about putting me on his health insurance while we wait for the job security for me to pan out. I am completely devastaed. I gave up my life for him, and now I feel like I am alone, at 29, starting completely over, and that I lost the love of my life. He really was something special…. family and friends all said how they’ve never seen him so happy. That he’s told them I’m the one… We talked about our future, and I feel like he just threw in the towel instead of working things out and letting the adjustment of living together, living in another country, and without a job set in.. and wait to see how things were once I actually felt like an established person there… I don’t know what to do…….
There’s nothing you can do, babe, except accepting that it’s over for now. You also need to iron out any jealousy, insecurity and alcohol issues as they will undermine any relationship you have in the future.
A breakup is always caused by insecurity. The end manifests in a number of ways, but it’s always the root cause as it’s a master at sabotage. Expecting him to make you feel good enough and not lonely caused you to lash out and it eventually wore him down. He wanted to live with the happy, confident girl he knew before.
I’m not making you wrong here. But let this be a lesson to you, as it was to me, that love is not enough to fill you up. It is not the happy ending. Being confident in yourself and a naturally happy person is the happy ending, because then love will follow you wherever you go.
You’re so right…. It’s absolutely the cause… I am trying to sort out my issues about being insecure from a previous relationship. We were such a beautiful couple and my past relationship was the complete opposite. He is such a confident guy, but extremly sensative…. It was so hard being somewhere new that I did not know really anyone compared to him knowing everyone…. He lives on a small island, I can’t see him truly moving on, but you are right… I need to accept that it’s over…. What should I do when he contacts me about my things? I don’t think I can see him face to face again, knowing it may be the last. Part of me wants to so he can see that I truly love him, and I know deep down he loves me, and maybe he will see that, but then I don’t want to move backwards and reopen the painful goodbye I already endured once.
What doesn’t make sense to me is, he’s crying to friends… one of my GF’s up there and his fiance. He cried to them about the breakup and how I was such a great girl…. His parents told his sister he has not been good… He says otherwise, which is why I really did cut contact because truly I just want us both to be happy….. One day we are happy, cutting down our christmas tree, the next I am moving home…. He got rid of the tree. I just feel like this isn’t the end…. but I know I have to move forward and on from it.
You’re right that it may not be the end but you still have to move forward and grieve properly as though it is. Do not initiate face to face contact. Let him contact you about your stuff and ask him to mail whatever possible. It sounds counterintuitive but him thinking you’re mad at him and don’t want contact is a GOOD thing, not a bad thing. There’s a comment from today just a couple above yours…she followed exactly what this blog says to do (which no one actually listens to) and she is back with your ex now. Let him cry and think he has lost you. He should think that. In the meantime, do everything you can to accelerate your healing. Get a job at home (even if it’s not nursing) where you can be around happy people, eat properly, exercise, write in a journal, read books about healing from grief, see friends who love you and go to therapy if that’s available (I went to low cost therapy without insurance and it was a lifesaver). When he does contact you, he’ll see that happy, confident girl he knew before and second guess his decision. Trust me…I’ve answered hundreds of comments just like this one. And now you know that in the future, you must never give up your world for someone else’s. Ever!
You are so helpful.. I wish I could have you as my inspiration to move forward each day, especially when I wake up in the morning depressed and not wanting to go on.. Thankfully I do have a per diem nursing job, so I have been getting up and going to work, so thaknfully I am helping others, which helps me too… I see that things can always obviously be worse when I deal with some patients…
So when he asks me about contact and getting me my things.. (Boxes and boxes…. it will fill a truck…) what should I tell him? I have no trouble following what you say because in the end, if this isn’t meant to be, I do want to heal and feel better and love myself and move forward. I know I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me overall in the end… and I know that I do have to help myself if I want things to work in any future relationship with him, or anyone else….
Any good reccomendations for books? I was thinking about therapy, but trying to find a low cost one as well, since I do not have insurance yet not that I am back home…
Tell him to hire movers and you’ll pay the cost. Or someone to pack it all up and ship it. Be short, distant and cordial. Do whatever is in your power not to see him.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love is good. Calling in the One (even though she’s divorced now it helped me). The Mastery of Love. There are lots. Read what makes you feel better.
Best of luck. It will be hard before it gets easy but it will get better!
Hi Jen,
Thank you for your most recent comment about books to read! I am going to look for them! But I saw you said there was a comment that someone used your advice in this blog and got her ex back.. I can’t find it on here? I love to read people success stories. If I can find it?!!
This is the comment:
I just want to say thank you. I did what you said, I cried and begged and bargained on how much i would change if he’d just not leave me. Of course he loved me but after all the turmoil we had in our relationship he told me that although he loved me he didnt feel IN love anymore. after that i fell back, followed all of your instructions, started going to the gym and most importantly, left him ALONE. after 2 months he was reaching out to me and saying much he missed me and how much he just wisjef things between us were better, i didnt reinforce him by begging him back or make myself look desperate. i just let him spill his heart and was honestly indifferent in attitude amd tone. well…a week after that he told me he couldnt take being without me any longer and asked me back. i said no because i was honestly scared and didnt want to make it easy for him lokr i always had in previous breakups (2). so he waited for me to make up MY mind and after a little back and forth and didvussing what we had changed and would work on and improve i said yes. and like that, i got my ex back. he got ME back. Thank you again for this site.
How long were you broken up for before he wanted you back? i’m struggling 😦
Read allllllll of the comments; I’ve answered this (and so many other questions) many times.
Also, the length of time doesn’t matter. Everything will accelerate when you are able to let go.
Hey Jen, in your last comment I liked the book you suggested, I’m going to look into them but not in hope to get my ex back, I feel a lot of hate towards me, I don’t see her coming back and she has stated she wouldn’t.. I can’t see her believing or seeing any good changes in me. She said since the break up a couple months ago she doesn’t miss me, not a thought to get back together. She’s with a new guy pretty much since the break up.. It hurts but I know there is nothing I can say or do to get her to come back, or see the improved me.. Also, I saw you said there was a comment above from someone who used your advice on here and got her ex back!?! I would love to read it but I can’t find it I love reading success stories! Expesically from your blog that’s not about getting the ex back.. Could you tell me the date it was posted?!
Thank you!
Hi Tim, here’s the comment:
I just want to say thank you. I did what you said, I cried and begged and bargained on how much i would change if he’d just not leave me. Of course he loved me but after all the turmoil we had in our relationship he told me that although he loved me he didnt feel IN love anymore. after that i fell back, followed all of your instructions, started going to the gym and most importantly, left him ALONE. after 2 months he was reaching out to me and saying much he missed me and how much he just wisjef things between us were better, i didnt reinforce him by begging him back or make myself look desperate. i just let him spill his heart and was honestly indifferent in attitude amd tone. well…a week after that he told me he couldnt take being without me any longer and asked me back. i said no because i was honestly scared and didnt want to make it easy for him lokr i always had in previous breakups (2). so he waited for me to make up MY mind and after a little back and forth and didvussing what we had changed and would work on and improve i said yes. and like that, i got my ex back. he got ME back. Thank you again for this site.
Hi Jen,
So much love and gratitude to you. Your posts and comment replies have been helping me trudge through some pretty despairing days, and even darker nights.
I’m so confused along with the hurt.
My boyfriend and I lived together for a year, dated even longer. I supported us financially for most of that year, while he was building a business. We were talking a lot about a future together, even children. That really excited me. We’re both in our early thirties, and I’ve wanted family to be in my near future with him. But he has always been on that pedestal for me. I’ve realized that I gave up my whole self, put him first, us second, me last. I believe it created a lot of resentment in me, and I was constantly testing and subtly asking him to prove himself worthy of the sacrifices I made. Asking him to fill me with the happiness I should have been giving myself. Recipe for destruction for sure.
He broke up with me after a month of pretty regular fighting, power struggles. It was just a few days before Thanksgiving, he got on a plane and went home to his parents house, leaving me alone, across the country for the holidays. Told me we needed to take a break, that he was just going for a visit. Said we’d meet up in a few weeks again.
Well since then he’s decided to stay with his parents for a while. He calls or texts me every day. But the content is changing. At first we’d talk about the possibility of getting back together, flirt, tell each other we missed each other, and even some sexual conversations. We made plans for him to come back and see me, for us to be together for a few weeks, see how it goes, and if we can get along, make a new start. He’s now saying he can only come up for a week because he’s got a temporary job that starts while he would have been here with me. It will take him away for 3 months, and although it’s somewhere I could easily travel to, he hasn’t yet asked me to come see him while he’s there. Also, now when I compliment him, flirt, he usually responds, but seems very cautious, platonic. Actually he often doesn’t reply for hours now. And where we used to chat several times day and night, now he totally goes dark after a certain time in the evening. But he still calls and initiates most of the time we interact.
I found out last night from a mutual friend, that he’s been pursuing a girl, long distance. He met her while we were still together. I felt devastated, even though I had prepared myself for the possibility it could happen. Also, she lives very close to where he’ll be working.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve started slowly cutting my interaction back to match his. But should I go NC altogether? What about him coming back out here? We have good chemistry and I’d hoped being near each other again, after over a month of not seeing each other, would bring us closeness, renewal. Also, I’ve been paying for his phone, as we’re on a plan together and he hasn’t been able to make the last two payments, with a third coming up in just a couple days. I don’t want to push him away. Or push him to this girl he’s been talking with. But I’m starting to feel like that plan B girl. It’s heartbreaking, feels like my hopes get stripped back a little at a time.
He’s pursuing another girl while YOU’RE paying for the phone he’s using to pursue her with? Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. You should’ve shut off his phone and not even told him. Chemistry is a dime a dozen; it’s not worth putting up with this. Please be done with him.
Dear Jennifer,
First of all thankyou, your words have been a massive source of comfort and positive energy for me during my breakup. I had severe mental illness and went through a period of lying and manipulating my ex, I am neither proud nor happy with my actions and sought therapy in November to work on them. My ex left me and although I stopped replying to his minimal contact, I have found out that he is spending a lot of time with his ex and in a moment of weakness I stalked his friends facebook and saw photos of them out together on new years day. He always swore to me she was his ex for a reason but I always knew she wanted him back. I know if I truly believe he loved me I should believe he will not go back to her and that regardless I should be focusing on my own healing (I struggle with a lot of hurt and anger at him and myself) but how would you deal with my current situation? And how did you pull the focus back to yourself when your ex started to invade your mind?
Thanks again, you’re honestly such a wise, strong woman, I admire you and your ability to grow so much!
Kind regards
Sally
Hi Sally,
It took four months before I could get my mind off my ex just some of the time. I just tried to do something, anything, for myself everyday. Sometimes it was just a small workout or a short walk. But gradually the time I thought of him lessened and I started to feel better. Be willing to start small and be willing to have days where you fail. You can and will get through this, and joy is waiting for you at the other side.
Hello Jennifer,
I just came across your blog yesterday and I am so intrigued with all that you have advised. You are a such a helpful soul and you will get back goodness multiplied!
I would like your advise on my situation too.
My husband left me and our 2 children on March 27 2015. He just went to work as normal. But in the evening while I was preparing the dinner and getting the kids for bed, he called up and said that he has separated and not to pursue him, and he didn’t tell me where he had gone. I was in shock. The children were unaware also. Later that night I realised that all his cupboards were empty and that he had taken all his belongings. He did this while I was out running errands after the school runs on the morning when he left. I was devastated. I begged, pleaded cried but he was so stubborn. I even begged his mum and cried (she lives abroad) but she was so hostile. I know I so degraded myself.
Before he left me, he went to see his mother who lives abroad, for 2 weeks. Whilst there, i texted him and said do you miss me and he replied, ”no, i’m on a break from you”. This broke me and after that he didn’t contact me and neither did I. When he came back from abroad, he acted as if nothing happened and I was so relieved and I never brought the subject up. 10 days went by, he always asked me to cook his favourite meals etc, which I did and I was so naive to think that all was good. We watched movies, went out and everything was normal and happy untill on the 10th day, 27 March 2015, he just left for work without a hug and a kiss. Later on that day when I was out, I bought him a pair of slippers and other stuff, as I always did, not knowing that he was playing with my emotions all this time. I had lost my job of 8 years, 3 months before he left me, but have recently started working only part time.
I begged him to talk as to why he left but he didn’t want to talk. He has always been very secretive of his emotions, but he was open with his mum and sister. In other words, he is and always has been puppeteered by his mother and sister. I must say that I started to feel insecure and needy and feared that he might one day leave me, and that’s exactly what happened. He is very close to his mother and sister, and their words have always put me in the back seat in life. I was always taking care of his family gatherings, hospitality and was praised by his extended relatives as to how well I had managed my home, kids etc. I was envied by his family a lot.
This whole breakup broke me, but I was very careful not to show my emotions infront of the kids. I still cry and am still hoping that he comes back. He used to text me once a week just to say when he wanted to take the kids out for a meal etc. After a while these texts turned into direct phone calls once a week for the same reason.I would text him for anything and he would reply straight after.
First he would park his car outside the house and never came in, but then he started to come in. His words say one thing but his actions show otherwise. He still shows care and I sense this. He bought me a car because my car was written off and. That day he took me in his car to the garage, and I stayed very calm and we hardly spoke. When he was checking the car, he accidentally cut his hand, to which I rushed and put a bandage on it. He let me do it. He brought me a birthday present and a heart cake, and handed it to me saying that it is from the kids. I thanked him. I also gave presents on his birthday too.
Then a few weeks back, I asked him whether I could join him and the kids to watch a movie, as he was taking the kids. There was a big silent pause from him, and then I told him to just let me know. It turned out to be a negative. I have asked him to open up and talk on our situation but he just says no. I know that he gets fed by his family. Only 2 days ago, i texted him and asked him to talk again, he refused still. So now yesterday, I called him and told him that I would not be in contact with him anymore and that if he wants to take the children on his weekly visits then he can ring my son directly. He paused for a while and then said ok. As if, I have started the no contact rule so later down the line. It is beyond heartache Jennifer. I have turmoil inside of me while he just gallivanted off as a free man.
My husband’s sister was also married to my brother (they both fell for each other after I married my husband). Their marriage lasted for 6 years untill one day, she left my brother in the exact same way that my husband left me. My brother was at work, and she packed up all her stuff and left. This makes me think, whether there is a pattern here, and if so why?
We have been married for 15 years and I love him. My heart aches even after 10 months of separation. What would you have done Jennifer? I appreciate your time in replying to all those in need and admire your maturity in this subject. Your advise will be very valuable to me. Thank you so much.
I AM xxx
I’ve posted on here before about my ex. It’s not 7 months since we split and other than a few weeks at a time we have been in constant contact. Now we’ve said some really awful things to each other and again he is saying he never wants anything to do with me again. And again I’m heartbroken. How do I win him back? How do I get him to want me in his life? I’ve fought to keep him in my life for the last 7 months and although we’ve never got back together,he’s always been there. Now he’s gone,again. Will he be back?
Hi Jade,
I don’t do strategy on getting exes back. This site is to discuss how to heal. If he’s hurt you twice, it may be time to consider letting go.
I don’t know what I would have done. It sounds like a very difficult situation and I imagine I would have been totally devastated.
I think you beginning no contact was the best thing for you. He’s sending mixed signals and you can’t base how you’re feeling on how he is acting — you have to pull away and get stronger on your own.
I haven’t been married for 15 years so your question is a little out of my league. I can only imagine how strong the bond is after so many years. I think what’s alarming to me is that there’s a pattern in his family of leaving abruptly, and ultimately, that’s not someone you want to be your life partner because you can’t count on him. Even if he comes back to you, rebuilding trust after this will be difficult if not impossible.
Sending you loving thoughts! Sorry I can’t offer more. ❤️
Thank you for taking your precious time to reply to me. I much appreciate this. I know I should’ve started the no contact much earlier in the process. But it’s been 4 days since I’ve deleted his number and all. I just want peace and letting go at this time is something I can’t even put to words. My heart bleeds every time.
Thanks Jen for your advice
Hi Jen, Do you think I’ve applied the NC rule a little late, or doesn’t it matter in regards to time? I am just waiting for my ‘snap’ to occur. I just want to feel whole and happy within myself now. I see a lot of signs, like the car that my husband drives, bar codes (number format) in the form of his birthday and other things that are closely associated with him. I tend not to attach myself with these too much and just want to concentrate on myself, but Jen, my heart does bleed with pain at times. Could you tell me when / how long down the line, was it when you experienced the snap?
Your support is highly appreciated.
Thank you xxx
It doesn’t matter when you apply NC; it always works.
The snap comes when you’re done being sick of how sad you’re feeling. You can’t manufacture it. It comes when it comes and it’s different with every person. Mine came around the 4 month mark after seeing him and he still didn’t say sorry for how he left. I realized that if he wasn’t that sad, that I shouldn’t be. It was misery for those four months but my snap was able to come more quickly because of how little contact we had so that when I did see him, I realized that I had changed so much when he hadn’t. It was the catalyst I needed to really give up and let go. I felt better little by little from there.
Hi Jen, in my case, it’s been 10 months since he left me and we have kids too. Last week I told him that from now on not to contact me and to contact my older son who has a mobile. So he did exactly that, as he called my son to tell him, when next he will see him. Do you think NC is tricky when one has children? Will I ever be happy again? This turmoils really seems as never ending, Thank you xxx.
You will of course be happy again. No contact is hard but you will get through it and only talk if you have to, about the kids.
Joy always returns. People are devastated by separation and divorce and get through it and become happier than they’ve ever been. Be patient. I know it’s hard.
Hi Jen,
Did C see anyone else when you guys were apart?
Love you and your blog,
Tori
Hi Tori! He went on 2 dates but never saw anyone seriously. I was the one who ended up seeing someone while we were apart.
How did you know in your heart that you should give up seeing the new person in order to give C another chance?
I’ve actually answered this many times in other comments so I would recommend reading those…I didn’t. I actually chose the new person over C and let that new relationship run its full course. It was after we’d finished that C and I reconnected.
Hey Jen – How long were you and C broken up for?
Please read all the other comments — I’ve answered that many many times 🙂
After months and months of trying to get my ex back because I thought I couldn’t live without him,I finally decided today to give up.
We’ve had a whirlwind of 7 months since the split,staying in contact,seeing each other,fighting. I’ve lost all my dignity in trying to get him back,begging him,harming myself,everything.
So I decided today enough was enough. No more hurting myself. As that’s all Ive been doing. All he’s done is told me he doesn’t want me and I’ve never accepted it. Now I have to don’t I?
Tomorrow is a brand new day for me and I’m going to try and live my life without him. I hope I get through this. Wish me luck!
You will get through it, everyone does. I promise. It will be really hard but occupy your mind and your day. Take it one day at a time. Be proud of yourself. Come back here and read the comments. It helps a lot.<3
You can absolutely live a happy, fulfilling, wonderful life without your ex. I believe in you!
I’m just scared that I’ve lost my dignity all together. I was pathetic and begged him constantly when I know I should have just walked away. I miss him,but I starting to remember the bad points of our relationship instead of the good and why we broke up!
Don’t worry — I lost my dignity too. Luckily dignity can always be regained!
Had to speak to him today,by phone. We work for the same company and our stores are neighbouring stores so we’re always in contact (I’ve already asked for a move and even have interviews for other companies). I kept it professional though,but he didn’t. He spoke to me with such a bad attitude. We have a personal battle not a work battle yet he can’t seem to differentiate what the two! And he’s 18 years my senior. I let him go off on one on the phone at me and I didn’t retaliate. Just said bye when he had finished. He was so unprofessional but I wasn’t. Felt good.
Good for you! His attitude is just because he has unresolved emotions. It means he’s suffering when he thinks about you. Too bad for him!
He’s never seemed to be suffering,he’s always seemed so fine about it all. Not one emotion shown from him apart from anger. But if that is the case then he’s made his bed so he has to lie in it now!
Anger is maybe the worst kind of suffering because it’s a shield for sadness/regret. You can’t process the sadness until you get through the anger. He has a long way to go in his journey.
Wow! Never thought of it like that! Glad I’m already a good way through my journey!
Hey Jen – how have you been? It’s been about 4.5 months since the breakup and a months since I last reached out. He still hasn’t sent my stuff. Any suggestions?
That’s unknown territory for me. What does your gut tell you to do?
My gut tells me to wait. However, waiting doesn’t let me close the small gap that’s left. Maybe that’s ok for right now, I am learning patience and I’m letting things flow. It’s just somewhat weird, especially with how serious he and his new gf are.
I just finished the book – thank you for the recommendation – would have never known about the book if it wasn’t for you – it is one of the best books I’ve read and it opened me up to several new perspectives on life. Btw, I didn’t formally write out some of the activities that she recommended.
I have to say that I miss my ex and still think about him, but I am at a much better place then I was when I first wrote to you – Thank you so much – you changed my life and I mean that. Thank you for passing it forward. ❤
I meant to say – my gut tells me to wait today. Every day my gut feeling is different though.
You don’t need to thank me. ❤️ I truly remember what those first harrowing weeks were like and I promised if I ever felt better that I would tell people how to feel better. ❤️ I’m so glad to hear things are feeling a little easier for you. Missing him is still totally normal at this point. The important thing is that you’re making progress and knowing that the progress will definitely continue.
I think it’s appropriate to wait another few weeks and then ask that your things be returned to you. Because in the end, even if he has someone new, it’s blocking him from letting you go as well.
Hello Jen and everyone 😉
My breakup is now 1 1/2 months ago, he left me twice now, saying that we are done for good and he can’t ever put himself in this position again. When we were 18 I met him whilst travelling and we instantly fell for each other, but I went back home and so did he. We kept contact and were friends over 10 years with many long Skype conversations. 4 years ago I was invited to a friend’s wedding right where he lived and because we were both single we decided to meet again. I fell in love all over but living in two different countries it took him a while to give it a try. We dated 4 months flying back and forth, he was financially in a bad situation so I would afford to see each other as often as possible. I decided soon to move to be with him but got soon frustrated cause I didn’t feel supported enough and was frustrated that he wouldn’t do as much for the relationship as I did by moving and supporting a start financially. Long story short, after a year of living together and me resenting him he broke up and moved out. I was devastated and begged and pleaded, tried to stay friends cause I found it too hard to let go of someone who was my friend for so many years, but 4 months after our first break up, he rebounded, that’s where I cut him out of my life. His relationship only lasted for 3 months and he contacted me afterwards asking me to establish a friendship. We did, but there was no sign of him wanting to be together again. 10 months after our first breakup, literally two days after I felt I was over it now and can move on he asked me out again and I took him back but for me it always felt like I chased him for 10 months. The second time we started off badly as well, men I slept with after the break up were now my friends and part of my acting group. My bf couldn’t understand how I could sleep with so many (5) men in those 10 months and I felt judged when all I was trying was to move on. I started getting defensive and that’s where he pulled away and kissed and developed feelings for another girl 4 months into our relationship. He only told me because his friends pressured him to do so and were very mad at him. They literally didn’t want anything to do with him, it broke him completely. I forgave him instantly, but instead of showing and fighting for me we went through several months of him getting angry about his friends at partly at me because I would still be friends with people who turned their back towards him. Somehow it got better after half of a year but something changed in me and I fell out of love. I told him that I love him but wasn’t in love and I would want to work it out anyway cause I knew I could always fall madly in love with him again. The past 6 months I was fighting with myself trying to find that feeling again, being resentful and irritated and also told him that I understand if he wants to leave, that I feel terrible for hurting him but that I want to be with him. Well a week before Xmas he broke up. I didn’t plead or beg this time I simply apologised for the pain we caused each other. Since the breakup I have seen him once to exchange our things. He told me very calmly this is done for good now. As much as I love him, I can’t go through this again, putting my life on hold. If he ever comes back I need him to fight for me, I feel like I have always done the fighting.
Any thoughts, comments, advise is greatly appreciated! Love to you all!
It sounds like it’s a good time for a long break if not a permanent breakup. You’ll find someone with whom it’s not so difficult. In the meantime, just focus on yourself and regaining what you lost in your relationship. I wouldn’t date for a while. Good luck ❤️
Thank you Jen for your honest words. I honestly have to say that I haven’t lost myself through this but discovered my demons, I read your article saying that relationships fail out of insecurities and I know that to be oh so true. This 2 times showed me how much I let my demons and anxieties rule my life, so going through this all I understand more than ever I can never put the responsibility for my happiness into someone elses hands, it is and has always been my responsibilty. without this breakups and the mirror imagine we were showing each other I do not think it would have been as crystal clear for me. After the first time I hadn’t quite finished the process so we ended up where we were the first time around. I can’t help but feeling grateful for him getting this all to the surface. I do believe, as challenging as it is, that a partner always shows you a true mirror image of your inner self and the deeper that person knows you the more those things will come to the surface. It isn’t nice to look at sometimes but it is exactly what is needed to stop a vicious cycle you created for yourself. I do love this man with all my heart and have always seen him as my best friend, I do not know what the future holds but I know that I can only move on in peace if I hold all I’ve learnt from this dearly and close to my heart.
Very wisely said. ❤️ I believe we are all mirrors for each other too. 😊
Hey jen 🙂 its been a while.. here for update
I am feeling great now 🙂 i am completey over my ex now 🙂 i dont feel any love feelings for him anymore..also m dating new guys..
I jst have one problem…
My ex has not deleted our pics together from social media and its kind off irritating..i just want to ask u should i ask him to delete those pics or just leave it like that?i dont want to give him any kind of sign?i have not talkd to him in months..
Nd thnx again for helping me getting over such a horrible breakup..it seemed impossible..but i healed so fast 🙂 thnx a ton :*
Don’t reach out for any reason. Just untag yourself. If he wants to keep them up, that’s his deal.
Glad you’re doing so well ❤️
Thnkyu so mch jen :*
I was so confused bt i wont get distracted for any reason.
Thnx for helping me 🙂 and evryone here
Hey Jen,
Just wanted to give you an update. Since last speaking with you, I hit a minors roadblock. I was doing really well, even have a new boyfriend 😊 and have found myself again. However, two friends of mine convinced themselves that 7 MONTHS ago, I used them to hurt my ex and make him feel bad. In a nutshell, friend A told me some not-so-nice things about my ex and friends A and B made a rude joke about him. I filled my ex in and he eventually confronted my friends about it. However, a lot of what was said back to me, isn’t really what I said. Both friends never confronted me and decided to immediately drop our friendship and ignore me. They feel as if I was being two faced by telling him things that were “none of my business.” Now, I feel as if all of this hurt and pain is not only coming back, but also putting a damper on my new relationship.
I feel really hurt because I was made out to be a bad person when I was NEVER confronted first. Knowing my friends, they’ve already told everyone who would listen about the situation and their false assumptions. Also, I’m concerned that they have no2 convinced my ex that I’m a bad person and only ever wanted to hurt him, which is bringing on feelings of guilt. Maybe that explains why my ex and I aren’t friends, which brings even more guilt and hurt.
Do you have any insight on what to do? I thought about apologizing, but honestly, I’m not sorry because I didn’t do anything to be malicious.
Hi Isabella,
This isn’t really my area of expertise, but it sounds like you owe your friends an apology or at least an email saying the situation got taken out of context and that you didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Jen,
Thanks for the useful insight (as usual). I always go back and fourth with apologizing for this situation and I am eager to speak to my therapist about this in our upcoming session. I have always been one to apologize for everything, whether I was sorry or not and now I’m working on being more honest and respectful to myself. I think it helps to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If I thought my friend twisted my words to hurt my other friend, I would be pretty mad too. Honestly, I think one of the main reasons why I didn’t want to apologize is because I felt like I was wronged too. However, my apology shouldn’t depend on whether or not I was wronged because my actions have nothing to do with the actions of my friends.
At the end of the day, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I DID hurt someone (clearly). And I think I should apologize for that because it’s the right thing to do.
Thanks for helping me gain a new perspective, Jen 🙂
I think you can do it without apologizing. I think you can write an email explaining yourself and how the context got twisted and end it by saying, “Even though the facts are wrong, I still recognize that what you heard may have hurt you and I just want you to know that I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you. For what it’s worth, this whole thing has hurt me a lot too.” And then just let go of how they respond, because that part isn’t up to you.
Whatever you do, it shouldn’t dampen your new relationship. Also, if they think you’re a bad person, they simply don’t know you and there’s not a lot you can do about that, either. But I don’t see harm in you gently trying to set the facts straight. 🙂 Just don’t do it with a preferred outcome in mind because that’s very often how we wind up being hurt…being too attached to an outcome. ❤️
Hey, Jen.
I feel as if I ask this so many times, but do you think you could delete this comment thread? After speaking with my therapist, I have taken the proper action and have done all I can do about the situation. Now, I am ready to move on and feel as if removing the comment will help me do so. Again, so sorry for the inconvenience!
Hi,
No, I won’t delete your comments anymore. I can change your name to anonymous, but deleting your comments also deletes the precious time I spent on my own to answer you and think about your situation.
I apologize for implying that your time is worth wasting. I don’t believe that and am sorry! Sometimes, I suffer from extreme anxiety and panic that certain people will somehow see certain things on this blog. However, after re-reading my post, I don’t think I was being as disrespectful as I thought I was. If possible, I would love to rewrite my original comment into a something more vague and directly copy and paste your beautiful response as a replacement for this thread. I think this may help to ease my anxiety a little, but I completely understand if that is something you don’t want to do. I’m not here to be bothersome and I do apologize that I can come off that way at times. I’ve learned my lesson and will use what I gained from this experience to move forward. We all make mistakes, but learning and growing is important. Much love, Jen 🙂
Hi,
Like I said, I’ll change everything to anonymous. It would be totally impossible for anyone you know to come across this and figure out it was you!
I’m super sick right now so I’m not going to comb through the comments and do that currently, but I’ll do it soon. It’s a bit of a pain, not just to delete comments but to even change them to anonymous.
Hi Jen,
I know the point of this post is the fully let go. And I get that. Just curious, when you finally decided to do that, did you have any intuition that at some point he would come back? Even though you decided to move on, in the back of your head did you have that gut feeling?
I have had the most awful break up and it has been a long goodbye. I have made every single mistake that i can possibly make, including showing up at his house several times, non stop texting and practically begging. And this has gone on for months. I have finally decided to do whatever i need to do to let go, and move on. But i still have this intuition, that he will be back …even though he said there is zero chance we will get back together, lol … am I a crazy person to think that?
I did feel like my intuition was telling me that, yes, but ultimately it only served to hurt me as he didn’t come back until I’d let go. You can be right, but it doesn’t really matter as he’s gone now for a reason and you have to learn something from it.
So true – it’s been a really hard one for me as I am turning 32 next month and I really thought he was the one. And in the beginning, it seemed like a sure thing, and almost felt like I had the “power” not that I used it but…you know what I mean? He did the breaking up and but always (until recently) gave me hope that it was temporary (until he has death with health issues). I pushed and he recently told me there was no chance of getting back together. Sigh, lol – and at this point, it would hard for me to take him back (even though I prob would) but he has made some hurtful comments and doesn’t care that I am suffering. That’s hard to swallow. Did you feel that ? Did C ever let you know what going through his head through your break up – and what it was that made him “snap” and realize he wanted you back? I know these questions are counter intuitive to what I am going to at this point (get over it) but the male mind and how they think is very curious to me 🙂 – thanks for the chat, talking about it is theraputic for me 🙂
Yes, he did, but I’ve answered what he was thinking a ton in other comments so I would recommend starting there. 🙂 And just know that it’ll be okay, whether he comes back or not. You’ll be happy again and you’ll have love. It’ll all work out.
I’ve read through the comments over the last couple of weeks and haven’t seen anything – I’ll look again – what a roller coaster –
Kate if you find them, can you repost please. Was trying to look for those myself. : )
I am 31 too, and understand how you feel. I’m so grateful Jennifer made this blog. It has helped me tremendously! It WILL get better.
Hi Jen,
Not too sure if some of the comments aren’t published/hidden? Can’t seem to be able to find your reply on what C was thinking during your breakup! ):
Going through a tough period of my own currently. Would definitely love to have some insight.
He was just overwhelmed. I was pressuring him to get married and we were living in his parents’ guesthouse with very little money. The more I pressured him the more he felt smothered until eventually it just all blew up.
Hi Jen! Congratulations on your baby!
I just wanted to update you on how I’m doing. I know you’re fishy on psychics but I still talk to my psychic. She told me to let him go and focus on myself. Things will fall together naturally. And I immediately thought of this blog and you. She’s been right on every occasion and since I’ve officially let go, I feel a million times better. I’ve turned my life around a lot and I truly believe that I can be perfectly content even if I never have him in my life again. I’ve been super busy with college and work. I’m joining sorority and helping with conservation programs (I’ve always wanted to do conservation projects since I was 8!).
Life is so good. Sometimes it’s just the way the sunlight looks to me that brings me so much joy and love. I’m excited for how things are turning around.
Before, I was so desperate to fit in and make people like me. Now I’ve realized not everyone needs to be in my life and it’s never felt so good.
I don’t visit here often anymore (I am subscribed for new posts!) but I just wanted to tell you that your blog has helped me so much. I can really see the positive change in my life and the break up was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
According to my psychic, we’ll be back. But I’m not concerned. I’m the most important thing in my life and that’s all that matters.
Love you.
xoxo
Hey Hedwig,
I can feel the peace suffused in your words. Love it. ❤️ Anything that helps you let go and be happy in this moment is okay in my book.
Lots of love ❤️
How do I email you? I’m shy
Hi there, as the post mentions, I don’t accept emails or comments on this post anymore as I simply can’t keep up with everyone! I wish you all the best in your healing journey ❤
Hi everyone. It’s almost 9 months as I first found this post and this blog. About 9 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. Not just broke up, but also ran to another girl. I was crushed, in pain, crying day and and night. I looked for information how to get my ex back and this was first article I found. And after 9 months I can tell you – everything what is written here works! My ex came back to me after 4 months after our break up. Reason why were not together yet – I found someone else while my ex was with another girl. Now things are complicated, as I am not sure what to do. But what I want to say is, read this blog and you will find answers! Poin is not to get your ex, poin is that you can be happy without your ex or anybody else!
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing. Trust your heart regarding your ex and the new person. The answer will become clear with time. ❤️
This question is really for anyone. I would like to let go but have been struggling with it. My ex and I were on and off for a while, and it took me all too long to realize that I hadn’t really healed or let go in between go-arounds. I feel ready, but I’m having a difficult time stifling that voice telling me there’s still hope. How did you manage this?
Sorry to bother you.. but this hasn’t been answered before.. I completely understand and agree with the letting go part.. but I feel like he was the one for me.. and I screwed it up.. I feel so sure in my gut that he was the love of my life.. but I am being unable to let go of the part of me that just blames me all the time for screwing it up.. it’s like I know he was or is the love of my life and I messed it up by being clingy and annoying and fighting about the honeymoon phase getting over.. I have a constant voice in my head blaming myself for how things are and blaming myself for losing the one.. I feel like I’ll never know or experience love again because I had a shot with the love of my life and I messed it up.. I can’t let go of the part.. how did you forgive yourself?
Although I probably cannot offer the same quality of advice as Jen, here’s my advice to you, as someone who went through a breakup recently:
Everyone here felt like you at one point, that’d they never love again, their ex was the one. We have all gone through the process of replaying everything in our head, trying to see what we could’ve done differently. In order to let go, move on and in time, feel better, you need to accept that it’s over, and that you can’t change the past, no matter how much you think about it.
Be patient with yourself; I spent 2 full months crying at work, texting him on and off trying to get him to reconsider. I lost 10 pounds. My story is almost exactly like Jen’s and really, all breakups are extremely similar. But like Jen has explained here, at some point I just got so sick of myself and decided that I was going to move on. Don’t call him, don’t text him, don’t say his name. Hang out with your family and friends. And date someone else. That’s what I’m doing now and it really is wonderful. Do I still think of my ex? Yes, but it’s not the same heart wrenching pain. I’m excited for where things can go with this new man, and just excited for life in general. After nearly 4 months, I’m at the point where I don’t even know if I’d take my ex back if he decided to come back. I really think he was a complete idiot to let me go and THAT has been the best thing about this. Be kind to yourself .. it takes time.
No situation is unsalvageable. I’ve seen people get back together after the most insane situations. Jen has outlined how awful her breakup was here (just read through the comments), but now she’s married to the same man and has a beautiful baby with him. But that’s not the point! Give up the thought of you two reconciling and throw all your energy into renewing yourself and bringing happiness in your life.
But really, listen to everything Jen has outlined here. It works.
God bless ❤
Couldn’t have said it better myself. ❤️ Thank you sweetheart!
I just don’t know how to forgive myself enough to start recovering. I want to let go. But I don’t feel like I deserve any happiness or love after screwing things up. I don’t know how to forgive myself. Could you please help with that part?
There’s no magic wand or formula that works. Breakups aren’t 100% one person’s fault. So you need to accept that while, yes, you did play a role in it, your ex isn’t 100% innocent either. You need to take him off a pedestal and say “You know what, he’s not perfect.” Look at the things you did wrong, and learn from it. Be honest with yourself on how you need to improve for your next relationship, and do it! Focus on yourself! I’m sorry to put it bluntly, but until you see yourself as worthy, until you start filling your life with things that make you happy, you will never be happy with anyone else. No amount of bargaining is going to change what has happened or the current reality. You need to focus on improving, for you, and realizing you’re a great person regardless — even if your ex realizes that or not. He really doesn’t matter. But you need to forgive him, and more importantly, you need to forgive yourself.
I wish I found Jen’s blog when I was first dumped; it would have saved me from so much torment and stopped me from hanging on and being desperate. But once I found it, I realized everything she said here is true.
I know how you feel, I really truly do. You need to go out with your friends, read books, date someone else, pick up a new hobby, talk to yourself in the mirror (I literally do this, it seems crazy, but if I’m feeling down, I look in the mirror and say “A, you’re amazing. You’re smart, beautiful, loving and any man would be lucky to have you. If F can’t see that, then you’re better off. Now stop whining and get on with your day.”) You need to allow yourself to cry. Write down your feelings. Do anything and everything to make yourself feel better (I would avoid drinking or doing drugs).
I was SO resistant to dating. In Jen’s comments, she said how on her first date with someone else she drove away crying after he kissed her. The SAME thing happened to me! I remember after my first date with the new guy, I got home and cried in bed for hours. But then I looked past that fog of my pain, and stopped comparing this new man to my ex, and ALLOWED myself to have fun with him. And it worked. On the last date I had with him, I remember walking up to the table to meet him, and feeling butterflies and smiling .. something I never thought was possible. Anonymous I SWEAR it’s possible for you, you just need to let go to let it happen. It seems that way, but your ex is far from the only person who can give you that feeling, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you.
You can’t “escape” it. You just have to go through it. And Jen’s right, breakups will change you but it’s up to you how they make you change. You can either become bitter and angry, or a better, more compassionate person who is even more capable of loving and being loved in return.
Your ex well may very well come back, they usually do. But it’s not going to happen unless you restore yourself and not in the sole hope of getting him back.
Take it one day at a time, I swear it gets better ❤
Let go!
Saw this on another forum and it was very comforting to read. Maybe it can help somebody else too.
Strip your mate of their pride, and you strip them of their soul. You have to let go of something, before you can get it. You have to stop needing something, in order for it to be freely given to you. If you live in a constant state of self-protection, you always will be alone. If you hold prisoner a life it’s only desire is to get free. The harder you hold, the more they need to flee. Did you know that, contrary to popular belief, you can change other people – simply by changing yourself.
How we treat another is a cycle of how we feel they treat us. This can be good, or bad, depending solely on ourselves and our efforts of communication. Also, this works both ways – how they treat us is how they feel we treat them. Do unto others…
You are the only one that can save your relationship. It is not up to your spouse/mate to change their mind or decision, it is up to you to change yours.
When you are on the begging end of a relationship, you are putting your partner in the driver’s seat. You can gain back the driver’s seat and steer your relationship in a better direction by getting out of drive and putting your efforts in reverse.
When another person opposes you they may do one of four things (in this order): They resist, attack, withdraw, or flee. Rarely, if ever, do they happily, or willingly, surrender. You can save your relationship, and stop your breakup, but first you have to stop resisting the breakup. Without even knowing it, by working at our relationships we actually do more harm than good. It only takes one partner to save the relationship.You need to stop your resistance to things in your life that you have no control over. Learn the peaceful release that comes with acceptance and letting go. Release your upsets and fears and give them back to themselves, and you gain control. Hold onto them and resist them and you lose control.
When you repeatedly try to change someone, they actually shut down and stop responding to you. They resist our efforts, either by staying and fighting our controlling actions, or by taking flight and leaving us. Eventually they lose all desire to stay and completely shut down from us and the relationship. Our pain and hurt is not caused by other people, or uncomfortable situations. Pain and hurt in our lives is caused by our own resistance to accepting situations, certain experiences, or unwanted occurrences. The minute we stop fighting and resisting the event we take our pain away.
You can not stop a divorce, or a breakup, unless and until you let go of resisting it, and learn to accept it. Realize that you will be okay, no matter what. And you will!
The moment you let go of something you actually gain control over it.
Letting go is actually the greatest weapon we have. We can overpower and overcome just about anything and anyone simply by letting go of them.
We naturally fear losing anything that is important to our lives, be that of our mates, our jobs, our home, our possessions, or our friends. The more we fear losing them the more we resist, holding on even tighter. We can become manipulative, challenging, controlling, threatening, helpless, promising, clinging, pleading, proposing, conniving, over-bearing, weepy, sappy, panicky, submissive, etc. The more we try to use these forms of manipulation, the more we are likely to lose what we have. The more we let go of ownership over these things and stop our resistance to losing them – and the more we are willing and accepting of losing them – the more likely we are to keep them in our lives.
The loss of something in our lives is not the end of the world. Remember, the most beautiful things in your life started out in a situation where you had to let go of something and venture into the unknown. By accepting and being willing to the fact that you may lose your loved one, you stop your resistance and fear associated with it and trust that you will be okay. This, in turn, eliminates your need to have them in your life. And when you let go of someone you allow them to stop running from you. They naturally feel more comfortable around you and willingly return without fear. When you can fully admit your own role and mistakes, you gain back their support for you. Letting go is in accepting that all loss hurts, but that you will be okay, no matter what. Avoiding painful situations by holding on only exaggerates and extends the amount of our pain.
Ask yourself, ‘what is the worse that will happen?’ You will lose your spouse? Well, no..not really – by accepting the fact that you never really have anyone but yourself, can you realize that only in losing yourself do you really suffer loss. And you can only lose yourself to someone else. Why would you want to do that? They already have a life, and if you hand yours over to them then they will have two lives and you won’t have any!
Acknowledging your fears is the key to letting them go. The more you fight and resist the breakup the more the inevitable conclusion that it will occur. However, by accepting that it might happen, by stopping your resistance to it, and by allowing the flood of emotions that occur..you are taking a major step toward stopping the breakup. You stop your breakup by actually being willing to let it happen, and by being okay with that outcome. The key to peace in letting go is by admitting that it’s okay to lose.
I truly believe someone wanted me to read this post here today. I was not even searching how to get an ex back; I was actually looking up what to do with jewelery they’ve given you after a breakup. Funny how the universe works.
I agree about letting go and surrendering to the universe for your highest good, whatever it may be. You really have to be ok with letting go and never having it come back. That’s when it seems to work, whether they come back or there’s something better ( sometimes that is the case).
My ex and I went on a break last Thursday, rather abruptly. We had been doing the LdR for 2 months because of a sudden move home for him, mainly to deal with professional problems, a sick relative and his own mental health and substance abuse issues. We really did try to keep it as normal as possible and perhaps that’s the problem…. The situation isn’t “normal” and our lives and changes had to become the new normal. In hindsight I realized I became needy, demanding and insecure about things which didn’t really matter. We had been secure in our relationship prior so why did they come up? Esp during a time he needed to focus on being his personal best. The break was abrupt, starting that he loved me like no other, I was the best relationship and partner that he’s ever had and he wished it could work. He wished he could give me the future I wanted but he didn’t know how and he didn’t see it then. He needed to make getting clean and healthy the first priority since the mental health issues were really dragging him down.
I’m not sure what the future will hold but I obviously love him like no other. I’m also strangely peaceful but I have good days and bad. I know I have to let go of an outcome. I see that coming forth soon.
Anything is appreciated xx
Hello Jen,
I have been reading your blog for the last 3 months. It’s been 6 months since the break up(we were together for 2 years. I am 27 he is 34) , and 1 month since I have decided to never reach out to him again.
I somehow felt he would come to his senses and we would get back together.
I imagined writing here, how it happened and how I got myself back before he came along.
But that didn’t happen. I have seen him two months ago and he still told me there are times he just wants to call me and tell me we should get married and have lots of children who look like me, but then again he said he doesn’t want a relationship, that he isn’t feeling well. He indeed seemed not well but I have many reasons to believe it is not that bad at all.
I don’t think he is seeing anyone else but he will eventually and I just can’t be heartbroken by that thought or fact any longer.
I had multiple snaps happening for me but I still somehow reached out to him once a month or so. His abusive chilhood, me believing he has a beautiful heart made me feel I shouldn’t give up and everything can be solved made me say something. The last time I reached out to him, I told him that I won’t ever forgive him or reach out to him ever again.
That was the strongest snap I felt. I miss him very much but the heartbreak he caused and all the unfair actions he did (oh there are so many of them. Including me suddenly being homeless walking down the street at midnight with a lamb a friend handed me to move to a new flat I had to share with people I do not know while he he had a brand new flat he shared with new very “cool” friends of him.)
I am doing much better actually, I am working on myself and trying to just focus on myself. But I thought I had found the one Jen. I had my heart broken before, and I thought I had learned my lesson and this wouldn’t happen ever again.
I finally felt home…but my home got destroyed in the most hurtful way.
I am sorry if I sound unmotivated. Not every day is like this. I actually just want to thank you for being by my side. You have become like a friend to me I never got the chance to meet.
If you decide to visit İstanbul one day, please know you have a friend here.
Lots of love to you and your lovely family. I hope your beautiful heart never experiences any kind of heartbreak ever again.
May life bring you only happiness<3
I have been there! Homeless, desolate, angry, missing him so much. It is awful and I know just what you’re going through. All I can promise is that it will pass, even if it feels like it never will or that you’ll never love again. It will pass.
Thank you for your wishes. Heartbreak gets us all. If it’s not a breakup, it’s something else. Losing a parent. A betrayal from a friend. A family member severing a relationship. So much of life is digging deep and healing from trauma.
Sending you love and comfort. It will be okay. Even if you don’t believe me. ❤
My friend didn’t give me a lamb but a “lamp”. I misspelled it, although it would be very funny if it was a lamb 🙂 sorry.
Thank you so much for your words.
You’re right, life brings us many challenges but with that in mind it’s very heartbreaking to be challenged by the ones we love the most.
I believe in love, and I know I have the ability to love very deeply. Only that, gives me hope that it will happen again in the future, either with him
(yet I don’t think he’s coming back) or with someone else.
There were a couple of men showing interest in me but unfortunately none of them felt right at all. Lately I pray to meet someone I can just have a talk I enjoy even if nothing happens between us. I just want to see that I can enjoy myself with someone else.
It’s like I’m in a dream. And I hope, I hope so very much that this is not a nightmare that will go on but a beautiful dream that I’ll later be thankful for.
Thank you again Jen. I am doing my best to believe you.
I’m not usually wrong about this subject 🙂
It’s been a year since I’ve commented and nearly 2 years since my ex and I broke up. I’ll admit, it took me a year and a few months to get over him. I always came back to this site for comfort. I’ve finally decided not too long ago to just really let him go. I was miserable for so long. It was like an endless tunnel but when I’ve finally let him go, it felt so good. I could breathe again. I’ve built myself back up again. I did better in school, I made new friends, my job expanded, I traveled. And just like magic, I’ve found someone else. I genuinely believed that I was never going to be in a relationship again. I’ve completely given up on dating and then he came along. Now the relationship is still fairly new but this new guy makes my heart burst and I’m just so happy with him. We met as friends and it just turned into something more. I NEVER thought I’d find anyone who would make my heart skip beats again. I’ve learned that love is gauranteed to be renewed just as it is for the sun to rise every morning. It’s amazing what life can give you when you just let go.
i have read your post thik is very good articles
Hi Jen 🙂
It’s been 3 months since my break up and I feel like I’m almost ready to let go. Your blog is one of the greatest and most real posts out there and I am so grateful for it. One thing I would love to hear about is how C felt throughout your whole break up. Maybe what made him come to the realization. I find myself wondering whether the break up is as hard on my ex as it is on me. Either way, thank you for writing this!
It was definitely hard on him but in a different way. I was blindsided and so hurt and shocked. He knew it was coming and felt so horribly guilty. He was also worried about me but felt like he didn’t have a right to reach out (fair enough because he didn’t).
He tried to go on a few dates in our time apart and they didn’t go well. Without me living with him, his house became a total disaster and there was no real reason to clean it up. But he also really needed that time to just be by himself so I don’t imagine the entire thing was miserable.
Have you ever broken up with anyone when they didn’t see it coming? Do you remember that horrible guilt but also sense of relief? I imagine it’s probably like that for most people who do the breaking up. It’s definitely painful but a different kind.
Hello Jen,
I read your website many many times when I was broken up with 2 years ago (the ex started hanging out with someone else within 2 weeks; then subsequently got together). You helped me so so so much.
I am now in a much better place. My life has improved overall and the external world is mirroring it to me.
So thank you.
Hi Jen,
I wanted to tell you my story since your blog has really helped me with a very recent breakup. He broke up with me because we were fighting too much and he didn’t think it was the best time for us to be together. We were together for a year and a half. It broke me to pieces and I hit rock bottom. I fought for us during the breakup, but I didn’t beg or give him a hard time, but I still fought for him and he rejected all my attempts. I searched the internet for answers, reading articles about how to get your ex back, etc. and I came across Jen’s blog. This post set me free. I read all the comments and I instantly felt less alone. I was having a hard time letting go, but this post and the comments guided me to think better not for my ex, but for myself. I followed Jen’s advice, I focused on myself. I took on new hobbies, started working out, doing yoga, hanging out with friends, and eventually I started talking to new people. I did what I could to distract myself from thinking about my ex, but I also made sure to set time to reflect on myself and let me feel emotions freely. By doing this, I slowly learned to let go and be at peace with the breakup and within myself. I stopped all contact with my ex immediately following the breakup. I blocked him on social media (except for Facebook). I disappeared from his life completely. I worked on myself and focused on being happy.
And then… almost two months after the breakup, days before my birthday, my ex contacted me. He said that he wanted to meet up to bring some of my things back. Following Jen’s advice to my own healing, I said no to meeting up with person and that he was free to drop it off on my doorsteps but that I will not meet with him face to face. He gave me an attitude saying things like “I thought we were keeping this civil”, but I stood my ground and he broke down through FB message. He told me how he heard that I was moving on and is really happy that I’m doing well now. He said it helps him get over me faster, etc etc. That he never stopped loving me, etc etc etc. He said all the things I wanted to hear when I was grieving over him and was feeling like crap… I don’t even know if I want him back anymore. But the main takeaway from this is LISTEN TO JEN!!!!!!!!!! Cut off all contact. Let go, little by little, and FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR OWN HAPPINESS! I promise you, your ex will come crawling back to you once they hear about how happy you are, moving on. And by then, YOU get to decide if YOU WANT THEM BACK IN YOUR LIFE. So if you’re hurting now because you and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up, take your time to grieve, do whatever you need to do to grieve, but stop talking to them, NOW. This is the only way you can fully heal. Block them out of social media, your phone, etc if necessary, but from this point forward, FOCUS ON YOU AND REBUILDING YOURSELF. Let them go. It will all be ok, I promise!!!! You are strong and you will make it through, with or without them.
Thank you Jen for giving me the strength during those painful first few weeks. I’ll always be grateful for you and your powerful, uplifting words. All the best to you!!
-J
Ahhh!!! Thank you for your comment J! I want to frame this and send it to EVERYONE who ever comments on this blog.
I know it’s really hard to listen to me when you’re going through all this stuff. Your instinct tells you the opposite of what I’m saying. But you did the exactly right thing and that is what happens when you put yourself first!
Super proud of you. Keep me updated on what you decide. ❤️
Hey Jen,
Just curious on your thoughts of the one and true love? My ex (who broke up with me a couple of days ago after a year and a few months of being together) and I had a really wonderful bond together. Lots of laughs shared, he told me early on he knew I was the one and I felt that I did too truthfully. We had a lot of life stressors, him lying about saving money and he has a tendency to overdo it with alcohol and that kind of wore down on our relationship. We were trying to save for a house and he didn’t save, which caused a lot of stress. He is 28 and still lives at home. I have never shared such a special bond with someone, where I could truly feel myself. I never begged him to stay or anything, we broke up in person and he told me he isn’t happy and he said he’ll miss me because I am his best friend. Told me I’ll make a great wife and mom one day for someone else and that he needs to grow up and work on himself. I just wonder what your thoughts are? Is “the one” a person you feel like you can just be yourself around and feel in your heart that this is it? I’d never felt this way about someone.
Hi Anon,
I don’t really believe in a “one true love” but I do believe there are people who can be close to a 100% fit, and that is so so hard to walk away from and move on from. I really understand that and feel for you.
Sometimes a person can be a true match for you but they can have some serious sabotaging behaviors which make them incompatible for the time being. C and I experienced that a LOT when we were younger, and it broke us more than once. It was only once we were older and able to communicate better that our relationship could really flourish.
Thank you Jen. 😊 You are very insightful. Can’t wait for your book!
I’m going through a rough breakup right now and I’m hoping to reunite with my ex like you did. I know he’s the love of my life and I can’t see my life without him. How do I stay strong and have motivation? I feel like nothing’s worth doing unless he is by my side. How long did it take you to get him back and did he ever block your number or say hurtful things during the breakup?
Hi Tammy,
I’ve answered those questions many times over in comments and other blog posts. Please check there first, thank you!!
Hey. My gf brokeup with me n i begged i cried i laid in bed n surfed the web all day n night. I sarted smoking like crazy. I tried everythin to get her back. Except finding myself n giving up n surrendering. I cried reading this post. Man i sound like a wuss.. But i cried because i know what i have to do n thats to let go.. Hardest thing ill ever have to do.
You don’t sound like a wuss at all.
Not even one bit.
I’ve been there, I get it. It fucking sucks.
But who you become after the fall is worth the loss you endured. I promise.
Hi Jen,
Thank you for your post. Really. Thanks.
Is it possible even if he is with someone else that he met right after the breakup ? Since more than a year now ?
Anything is possible, but is that what you really want?
Could you really trust him again?
Thank you for your answer
I really wish I could trust him again, but I don’t think I would … and it kills me. Because I still love him
What would you do if you were me ?
If you read this post, then you already know what I would do. 🙂 I would do everything in my power to move on. Start over with someone who loves you and whom you can trust.
In fact I read it ..
Thank you ❤️
Getting your ex back would take a lot of work to do. If you want to really make it work, a lot of efforts should be done. And, may also take some time. It’s not an overnight thing. Well, if you really love the person, it’s all worth it. It makes life challenging. Its something to pursue and becomes a goal in life.
Hi,
Im not sure if anyone answers on this anymore but its worth a shot, Is anyone else going through this whilst in isolation ? Me and my ex split up 3.5 months ago, we were totally in love and told each other neither of us had ever felt this way. He started pulling away from me, i did start to become too needy but he didnt really make any effort with me anymore and just wanted to be with his friends. He seemed really cut up about the break up but told me he needs space and hes too young and he wants to be alone. I had to see him liking girls photos and trying to speak to girls only 2/3 weeks after the break up. He tried to be my friend and i held on for 2.5 months and then he started being cold with me and told me he was over me and he really loves being single and alone. I stopped all contact then and have been in no contact now for a month and its been really hard as im stuck inside also im finding it so hard to move on, ive stopped the crying stage and have days where i feel better and realise i can cope with or without him but then go back to having miserable days as im always with my thoughts.
Would love to hear if anyone is going through this too..
xxx
I’m so sorry you’re in this horrible, heartbreaking stage! I wrote on this forum a few years ago feeling exactly how you do now! It’s such a painful time and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone! I managed to come out the other side although it took me years to get over him! Eventually, I’m not actually quite sure how but I just ended up where I am now. Happy and content in a much more stable relationship which is just easy to be in. I know you will get there too, it can take time. It’s taken me many many years to get what most people find in their 20’s/ early 30’s. Just keep going, you’ve done the hardest bit. The universe has a plan for you so stay positive. You deserve the best and the best is on its way! Xxx sending you big hugs x
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it and it’s given me a bit of hope.
Xxx