Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)

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I let him go.

Really.

I know too well what it’s like to be nursing a broken heart, thinking I’d do anything to get back with my former flame. I’ve thought of every tactic out there. Lonely months went by and I slimmed down to a ghostly version of my former, happy self.

I alienated my friends because the breakup was all I could talk about. “But he was The One!” I said to them, over and over.

My work performance suffered because I couldn’t stop the toxic spewing of negative crap from my mouth. I barely slept and became really destructive.

I told myself the myth that if he just came back to me, my whole life would be fixed.

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Heart on fire, ashes everywhere
— there’s no return from a red like that.

MANUEL DE FREITAS

It took a long time to give up on him and realize that I was facing my life alone. But after so much misery and thinking I’d never be happy again, it dawned on me that the worst had already happened, and there was nothing else to lose.

Weirdly, there was a kind of freedom in that thought. It was a clean slate.

I realized I’d totally abandoned myself, and I decided to reclaim my life.

Nick&Darcy-500

It was during an anti-gravity yoga class that I rocked in Savasana and saw C’s face float in front of my eyes. I looked at it for a long time and softly said “Goodbye.”

Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU

So I moved on. I did what they all tell you to do – I spent time with friends, I took up hobbies, I learned to enjoy taking up the whole bed as I slept alone. I spent mornings drinking coffee on my new balcony (instead of bemoaning that I’d had to get a new apartment by myself at age 31 when I thought I was going to be married by then). I exercised and cooked healthy foods for myself.

I tried things I would have never done before. I applied to speak at Beyond Luon. I learned to make kombucha. Eventually, I dated someone else. It took time, but I came back to life and reclaimed my life as my own.

And then, there he was.

After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)

Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?

Giving up.

Surrendering.

Letting go.

Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.

And then, you know what happens?

That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.

(And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours to begin with.)

We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety.
THE I-CHING

So let it go. Stop thinking if you lose the weight, dress sexier, text him/her at 2am, that’ll work out. You’re missing the entire point.

As much as you can’t believe it, that person doesn’t even matter. You can be happy with someone else, eventually. And you can be very happy alone.

You are the one who matters.

Let nothing stand in the way of the happiness available to you at this exact moment.

Then go live your life and be prepared to be amazed.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

EDIT | June 2, 2015:  This blog is so very often misinterpreted. So before you email me with your entire history with your ex, please read this first: Small Life, Slow Life: I Honestly Don’t Care If You Get Your Ex Back.

As many of you know, C is no longer “my ex.” We reunited in April of 2013, got engaged that September, and were married in August, 2014. :)

I had no idea when I wrote this post that it would create such an outpouring of love and questions from you readers. I am amazed everyday by all of you who so bravely and vulnerably share your stories with me here.

The comments per day keep growing, and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up it is impossible to keep up!

Please know that while I may not answer your specific comment in a timely fashion (I work full-time and am married!), that I still encourage you to share. Someone may read your comment and relate to you. It may create the healing that they need.

I am honored that this little corner on the internet has been able to provide some healing for you. And I’m sorry if I’m unable to answer your specific question. My first piece of advice is to read all the comments written back and forth before yours — you may find the answer you need in there.

If any part of you believes in the law of attraction, I also recommend reading this and regularly reading these. Both helped me immensely during my breakup.

I wish you quick and full healing.

I am so thankful to you. Love, Jen

309 thoughts on “Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)

  1. I’ve just read your post and I think it is great and really helps all the people after breakups to cope with the situation.

    I stumbled upon your blog in a moment when I’ve already understood that I have to move on and ‘fix’ my own life – and am actually finding ways to do that.

    The one thing that makes me wonder – and now after reading your post even more – is that do I really want my ex back?

    It is because I’ve had a long term relationship and I always thought it is going to be for a lifetime. I thought we love and care for each other, we were the closest to each other – and then ‘suddenly’ it all ended in a quite bad (for me) way. For a few months I was down and desperate. I tried to understand her actions and I was ready to forgive and take her back if she onle give me a sign. I’m sure there are many that find this similar to their situation, right?

    But now I’m in a point when I’m not sure if I want that person in my life anymore – I am thinking if the person did all this at the end and acts the way she does – then maybe it is not worth it? Maybe it is not the person I loved anymore? Why should I try to reconcile IF she EVER reaches out? What am I – a “life raft” for her? I mean she said ‘she doesn’t feel love anymore”, she “wants space and time to think”, to “try with others”. OK then choose and stick to your decision. I think it would be hard to take the person back – I would feel like she came back just because something went wrong with “the others” and she wants to go to a safe harbour – until next time..

    What do you think of this? My full story below (sorry if it’s too long). And I must say I really thought we have something strong between us. And now it feels like it was nothing – broken just like that…

    I really love/d her but how can I trust the person anymore? How do you trust her intentions?

    It is really tough question for me. Although it is maybe irrelevant at this particular moment cause she doesn’t seem to care and I came to a point of losing interest – moving on – as well.

    ——————–

    Here’s my story – I asked for advice on other sites/blogs just to see how do others see the situation.

    It is because my closest family and friends (who know us both) keep on saying she is obviously not worth it and I should forget about her cause she is not a good person..

    I am 34 she is 32, we were living together for 9 years. I always thought this is it, we were good together but as it is in long term relationships there was less bliss and more real life from day to day. It is not like I didn’t pay attention – I was caring, thoughtful, always there to support, flowers with no occasion just to make her happy. Unfortunately I got into some financial trouble because of my father and it all got me into depression. I become less active and had periods of sadness and no energy – obviously. That was about 2 years ago and lasts. She was really concerned and tried to help me, support. But I think she couldn’t cope anymore – can’t blame her but on the other hand we were the closest to each other so who should I ask for support if not the closest person?

    About 3 months ago I came to the UK cause the company wanted me to work here in the office. We both decided that this is a good chance and I should go and wait for her to join later (as she is a doctor on the finish of her specialisation so she has to stay back home for some months yet). We both wanted to come here and build future. I came to prepare the ground for us. Everything seemed fine, we were in the contact on Skype almost everyday talking, even intimate stuff. Then she went to Portugal to visit her student sister. It was all good until she came back home. For first 2 days she didn’t have time to talk to me on Skype, then it came to a small txt fight on whatsapp and she wrote some disturbing stuff about me being better without her etc. The Next day we had a talk and it came out she wants to have a break/she doesn’t feel this anymore/she treated me like a brother for few last months/wanted to break earlier but didn’t know how to do that. And that she met a guy in Portugal, had sex with him and it is because she fell in love…

    I was her first man, we were good together, wonderful sex and same interests and morals and now it all came on me shocking. I don’t think she fell in love cause she is not 15 and she knew him for few days. I think she really wanted to break and needed an impulse – and got it (she said that at some point too). Anyway she did apologise, she did feel bad and all, but she didn’t regret it and her decision to break is final. That all happened on Skype and whatsapp with me being alone in foreign country…

    I thought I know her, she was not that kind of person, and now she appeared like someone with a heart of stone.. Anyway unfortunately I did beg her to rethink it and that I could forgive her but we must try to work it out. Of course with no success, she didn’t want to talk to me and told me she needs time and space and we are both free.
    After about a month I went there had a talk with her (it pissed her off when I arrived at the beginning)- I was calm, but I tried to convince her and I think I was needy. I took my things from the flat and just said it is a mistake and that she took care about her. She was also in a bad condition it was very painful.
    She didn’t talk about her decision to anyone, her parents and her sister ar as shocked as me but it was hard even for them to talk to her. As she was closed to any talking/ advice.

    Anyway we’ve had virtually no contact since the middle of November – she didn’t care what is going on with me in spite of that she said before that she will be worried about me and stuff. We have a dog together whom she has to give her parents to take care of (cause she works a lot) and because of some issue with the dog I had to txt her (beginning of Dec) what is the problem. She was nice but distanced and didn’t even ask how am I. Unfortunately the next day we had a chat again and I said I miss her.. She said she misses me too but wants some time to rest and doesn’t want nothing now. It is about 3 months since the ‘breakup’ and I see (imagine) she is still ok with that.

    I was having tough time during Xmas and New Year. I did manage to stop myself from sending her Xmas wishes first (anyway she didn’t send me anything either – like she totally forgot about me/wiped me out).
    And it’s her birthday coming this week and I will be around – first thought to visit her and try to talk like adults about our options – but now I am at the point where I will not reach out myself- just send the txt.

    And I am ready for not to contact her anymore.

    • Vtek,

      You are at a real turning point in your breakup. You should feel happy! This is huge.

      It was three months after my breakup with C, on the night of my birthday, when I decided that I didn’t want him back anymore. It was raining and I was sitting in a parking lot talking with one of my best friends. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I told her. “I think I’m a great girl. And if he doesn’t realize that, then you know what? I don’t WANT him back.”

      From that moment, EVERYTHING turned around. Just saying those words gave me SO MUCH POWER. Suddenly, when he started messaging me a few days later, I stopped answering. I started to date someone else and I started to do things just for ME. Maybe C wasn’t going to treat me like I wanted to be treated, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t DESERVE to be treated that way. So I treated myself that way, and I only spent time with people who treated me well.

      And guess what? He wanted me back within a month. The real trick after having the moment that you’ve just had is…she may sense the shift of power in you (even if you’re not talking) and want you back. The real difficulty in getting your ex back is not the attracting them back to you part. It’s what to do ONCE they want you back. If you take her back, you’ll have to rebuild trust and all of your old problems in your relationship will be right where you left them. If you don’t take her back, it could really hurt her.

      By the time C came back to me, I’d gotten my power back and I actually told him “No” the first several times he asked. I was finally happy on my own and I didn’t believe he valued me.

      You are near the end of the difficult part. Just in realizing that you may not actually *want* her back, you’ve taken a HUGE step forward.

      Joy is right around the corner. With your ex, or without her.

      I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Love, Jen

      • Thank you Jennifer for your answer. I wanted to wait and see how things go. And unfortunately I feel broken agin – after seeing my ex (though I didn’t intend to). I thought I am growing strong but I feel it all went wrong. Maybe it has much to do with the fact that I suffer from depression. Anyways maybe you’ll comment – if you get through my long post at all.

        —————–

        So I was back there in my home city to visit parents and friends. I’ve decided not to see my ex and reduce my contact with her to text simple Bday wishes and ask her to bring rest of my stuff to her parents’ so I can take it from there without meeting her.

        She seemed ok with that, was polite and all, I was cool. She couldn’t find one of my things so we were texting back and forth but nothing other than about the stuff and about the dog (I took the dog from her parents and was staying with me for the few days). I had a small chat with her father while taking the dog from him – which was not nice but I’ve decided not to worry about it.

        Then on the night before my flight home she texted me that she has found my stuff in the cellar and will bring it to her parents – she texted that at 3 am. Then asked why am I so angry that I didn’t want to meet her and anything.

        In the morning I texted that I don’t think there is any purpose of us two meeting anymore – and she replied that she wanted to talk about the dog (it is all because she has found it difficult to take care of the dog being alone, working etc. but she wants to keep the dog).

        I told her that I already told everything to her father and have nothing more to say about it.

        She replied ok and she will not bother me anymore and that she is surprised I talk to her that way (indifferent) and what is wrong with me and she thought “we can talk like adults” (yeah but she didn’t reach out to me before). I said “you must be kidding me” – she said that I was different when contacting her before (I was very nice and interested in her) – so I said that she treated me different before also (when we were together that is) and that I am normal/neutral to her. She replied ok and maybe we should’t talk. I didn’t reply to this.

        In the morning unfortunately I went to give the dog back to her parents and take my stuff from them.

        I had a conversation with her father which pissed me off – let’s say he started to put the most of the blame on me etc. and blackmailed me about the dog – that I might not see the dog anymore etc.

        I must add that my ex’s mother is still in a bad condition/worse than I thought – depressed because all what has happened and on meds. I’m very sorry for her but it was not my decision after all and I am the one who suffered in the first line.

        OK and here is where I probably made a mistake (in terms of my mind comfort).

        I was pissed because of my ex’s father so I texted her and told her I don’t like the blackmail and I hope she will take a good care of the dog.

        She replied that I could talk to her personally and not her father and that she wanted to meet but I didn’t. Yeah but she never mentioned she wanted to meet!

        And said she doesn’t know what about the dog and it is my decision and she doesn’t want to argue – wished me luck and safe trip home.

        I was still pissed (about the dog issue) so told her ok let’s meet now outside for a minute ( she was at her parents’ and they live just by my parents so..). She agreed.

        So we met. I was cool – showing no neediness or sadness (as I actually didn’t feel any of this),

        she seemed cool also, not happy, not smiling – just calm. We were talking about the dog and she said that she thought we would meet for a coffee or something (yeah but she didn’t offer that before herself). Then it all went back to what has happened between us. She said she didn’t contact me during Xmas cause she thought it would renew the pain and give me hope or something. And she waited for me to send the wishes as well. She said that she want’s all the best for me.

        I was rather calm and confident but unfortunately told her some unpleasant stuff also and maybe showed I have anger inside. At some point she became sad and started to weep and told about her mother that she is not well and is worried also about how I am (her mother).

        Then we just went our ways – and I returned my ‘new home’.

        But all this made me very sad and brought back everything. In my mind I keep seeing her standing there sad and weeping, I think she has lost weight she didn’t look too good, her eyes were ‘grey’ – without the spark. I was feeling better before – was sure I want to move on and started not to care about the past and about her. But now she is in my mind again and I feel so horrible about all this – I try to remember what she did to me and she made my suffer the horror and so I shouldn’t worry about her and her mother right now. But I can’t – I feel broken again

        I feel all this (meeting) was a mistake.

        Few hours later I texted her that I didn’t want it to go that way and that I am sorry I told some unpleasant stuff and it was because her father irritated me with his talking. I wish her the best and I want to shut that door. And that I wasn’t going to see her but I have a letter/email I wanted to send – and still can if she wants to read it.

        Few days later I got a reply which expains her point of view and decisions/ apoligies.

        She is in this new “relationship” (with the guy she ‘cheated me’ on her holidays – in the end). He is few years older, has a 9yo doughter and they live like 3000 km away in another country. But she says it is a DECENT MAN and has SERIOUS PLANS towards her…
        They have seen each other for a few days (when they met during her holidays- and she said she fell in love…) and the rest must have been texting and skyping maybe… I don’t see her coming to him cause she doesn’t speak the language of the country and I don’t think she has any chance for career as a doctor there and he has his life/doughter/business there and surely will not come to her. I just can not understand how can she be so unreasonable.. I know I should live my own life but I still can not stand it if someone hurts her – I was always there for her protecting her :(

        No wonder that her mum is so extremely worried about all this and her daughter’s future that she got into depression – but it had and still has no impact on my ex’s perception.

        At the end of the letter she wishes me luck and hopes that some day when I get better we can meet and talk normally. I’m not sure I should reply something to say that ‘maybe one day’ etc – to keep the lines open for the future or just go silent. Before our meeting I was quite confident about my situation and wanted to move on but now it all came back all the doubts.

        Thanks so much,
        Witek

  2. Hi Jennifer,
    I just wanted to let you know that your articles have helped me tremendously; thanks for sharing! When I’m wavering on how I should feel, I always re-read what you wrote and it helps motivate me to rebuild my life and move on.

    My problem: since you got back your ex by moving on, I’m having difficulties fully letting go, haha. It sounds silly, but I can’t help but to hope! It’s frustrating, because I know that if I have any hope, that’s not truly moving on… I have to rebuild my life for ME, not for him. Gah. And I keep telling myself that my ex has moved on and doesn’t love me (he told me this when I last spoke to him, which broke my heart all over again… though less than a month prior to this, he told me time apart made him appreciate our relationship, and that he’s just unhappy with himself and needs to work on that. So, It’s all very confusing… Our story is a very long one: We’ ve been on and off for 10 years, but finally committed to one another over a year ago. I believe his friends/family told him recently that if he’s not sure by this point, he should let me go. I also pressured him recently, so I believe both of these things led to him telling me he has no feelings left.)…. So I have to remind myself that it’s highly unlikely he’ll ever want to be with me again. If he ever did, I think it would be years from now because he’s very stubborn when he makes these big decisions. Our relationship was rocky as well, due to my depression. We had a lot of fun and loved one another, plus our bond is very solid… we’re closer than siblings! But, there was also a lot of bad in our relationship, so I think that’s all he can see, and so he’s moving on for good. It’s very difficult for me to accept, as he’s the only man I’ve ever loved, and he’s been in my life for 14 years. I tried dating many, many times and I always end up thinking about him. He’s very unique to the rest of the male population (where I live, anyway), and I’ve become so accustomed to his quirky, flamboyant self, that the rest of the guys I meet seem so dull in comparison… And It was the same thing for him as well, thus why we decided to finally begin an adult relationship. I so badly wish I had sought help for my depression much sooner… only a week before the break up, I realized I was pushing him away, and everyone away. I’m much better these days, stable and happy, other than missing my ex. I wish he could experience the new and improved me, haha, but he’s so determined to move on.

    Yikes, sorry for babbling! I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you went through, whoops! Haha. I know that the best thing to do is to stop all contact with him, as he’s never really lost me. I’ve only gone a week without texting him before! He needs to feel what it’s like to not have me around at all. And without contact, hopefully I’ll move on. I wish I could get that bit of hope out of my head though… I keep thinking NC will bring him back to me. But no, if I still have hope, he’ll sense he hasn’t really lost me. UGH. Oh no, I’m still venting! Hope your eyes aren’t bleeding, haha.

    Thanks again!

    • Hi Marilyn,

      I really, really do understand. Completely. I was there. I knew that I needed to “let go,” but I only was doing so thinking it would make him want me back. I wavered in the exact place that you’re in for months. “Well if I do No Contact for 3 months,” I thought, “will he want me back then?” It’s the worst, because even as you’re trying to forget him, your mind is working on manipulating him to want you back. It’s a total vicious circle!

      C was also REALLY determined that I have no hope. It was cruel at the time, but in the end, I’m glad he said those things. They inspired me to cut ties with him and to reconnect to myself and heal the underlying issues that were sabotaging all of my relationships. I don’t struggle with depression anymore, ever, because of that really important lesson I learned during the breakup. I believe that it will be the same for you.

      All I can say is that even you WANTING to let go is a huge step in the right direction. If your mind jumps to, “But will he want me back then?” redirect your thoughts to, “This isn’t about him wanting me back. This is about me letting go so that I can be happy.” Because until you let it go, you CAN’T be happy. And I would argue that your happiness is MUCH more important than any romantic relationship you’re in. Despite how wrong this all feels, it is a huge life lesson wrapped up in a bow for you. When it all resolves itself, despite how contrary this sounds, you will be SO GRATEFUL for this time in your life — whether he comes back or not. That, I can promise you.

      If he is determined to move on, let him. It means he’s currently being an idiot.

      The fact that you WANT him to see that you’re happier is a step in the right direction. My experience has proven that even if he can’t see that you’re doing better, in some weird way, he CAN feel it. So keep getting happier. Keep facing your depression. Be willing to face all of these practically unbearable feelings. You will be stronger for the rest of your life as a result of the hard internal work you are doing RIGHT NOW.

      Your next step is being happy without caring if he knows or not. And that will come, I promise. The day will come when you won’t want to say his name or think about him anymore. You will get so sick of yourself being obsessive, and you will just want to be happy for your own sake. It WILL come…you’re nearly there. I know it feels unending. But you are almost there. <3 Good luck.

      • Thanks so much for your lovely reply! It was so detailed and thoughtful; I may have cried a little… haha. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now, but still, I really appreciate everything you said.

        It is a vicious cycle! It’s SO frustrating and I’m driving myself crazy. One minute, I’m telling myself it’s time to move on and I have to stop hoping that moving on will make him want me again. He’s told me not to hope and that he has no feelings. And then I think back to how rocky our relationship was… and how there’s no way he’ll want to try again. All he’ll see is that he didn’t want me for years, and then we tried to have a relationship, and he loved me, but it wasn’t the kind of love he’d hoped for. And there’s also too much going against me and our relationship for him to ever consider it: with all of my needy past behavior, my depression, me not getting to know his family and friends because of my anxiety/depression…. There’s nothing to want.

        But then my stupid brain tells me, “Marilyn, don’t be silly, there’s no such thing as IMPOSSIBLE! Think about LOA and that article you read (http://www.powerfulintentions.org/forum/topics/yess-you-can-attract-your-ex) and about Jennifer’s story! If you just live your life, maybe your best friend will be back”
        And I also think about all of the good times we shared, and that he’s a smart man… he must know that It’s possible for my depression to improve, and that that was the cause for all of my negative traits! Gah. So that gives me hope… and here I am struggling between letting go fully, and then just “fake” letting go. God damnit, this cycle is the worst!

        Also, when I lean towards having zero hope, I feel so incredibly depressed, so it’s hard to stick with this mind set. I can cope with the thought of us not being together for a year, or just “for now”… but when I come to the conclusion that he’ll NEVER want me again, I panic. Because (and I know EVERYONE says this, but it’s seriously true in my case! Haha), I honestly don’t believe I’ll have another serious relationship with anyone else. I have tried dating for 10 years, and I could not fall in love. He’s the only man I’ve loved and I truly believed we’d be together for forever. Whiiiich leads me back into thinking that I should follow my gut, and believe that we will be back together one day, haha. It’s quite pathetic.

        I also have moments of just appreciating that I was loved by him once, and just cherish those memories. I was lucky that I got to experience that, and if I don’t have it again, that’s okay. I can still be happy with just friends, right? I can focus on my career, and other things. It’s tough though, as my happiness has always stemmed from my love for people… It’s a problem. I am so dependent on this person and I need to grow without him; I realize the break up was a blessing, because I HAVE to learn how to be happy without him. My dependency on him is so unhealthy! I know I’ve already come a long way, because I rarely think of suicide (I was that low, yes. The pain was unbearable) and I’m excited/afraid to try to rebuild my life. Though once and awhile the panic sets back in and it suckssss.

        I’m babbling again, sorry! I don’t even know what the point of me writing to you is… I know that the right thing to do is to try my best to stop thinking about him, to let go, and to make a life without him. I think by writing on here, and by thinking about everything, I’m procrastinating rebuilding my life. I’m afraid of the unknown, and letting go. I think I’m afraid of moving on, in a way? Everything is hard! I’ve relied on this person for so long, and now I’m on my own. I have to face my fears and improve myself, and hope that by doing this I will become happy… orrrr the other option is I drown, and sit here and think and think, and continue to loathe myself and all of my mistakes… I will push everyone away further, and end up discovering my ex has a family, and then probably off myself, haha. That’s not the future I want! I want to become strong and I want to be happy on my own. If he doesn’t come back, I want to be okay when I find out my ex is in love with someone new. I don’t want to crumble to pieces.

        And I am already tired of obsessing; I’m tired of saying his name. I want to stop thinking about him, and I do sometimes… but then something triggers my sadness and I long for him and look at social media stuff (so terrible), and ugh. I need to stop. He doesn’t want me, so why should I give him this power. I’m in charge of my happiness, not him.

        Oh jeez, this message is never going to end, is it? Haha.
        Thanks again Jennifer! You’re so kind for replying to strangers. You’ve helped me more than you know!

        -Marilyn

  3. Hey jen hope all is well,
    I’ve not posted for a while as I’ve been feeling really positive,
    Having a tad bad day tho, obviously going to see the ex to see my son most days but then I leave feeling depressed as we should be a family, it’s getting easier seeing my ex but some days I just want to tell her can we start again,
    But refraine from doing so,
    I think the most frustration for me is not knowing how she feels. Does she want us to try, is she missing me, or am I seeing her through rose tinted glasses.
    (I left her)
    I know I’m not fully over her and I know it takes time but I just have a niggling feeling something isn’t over and I can’t put my finger on it, I just want this to go and me to look at her and not feel anything not sonetimes longing for her.
    I said in a few posts that I find it difficult she on numerous occasions called me her soulmate and the love of her entire life now it feels just weird it’s over,
    I know you’ve read the same posts just having a off day,
    Dom 💎

  4. Jennifer I tried keeping myself to myself until this happened. I am now stuck again :(

    So basically she reached out to me on Saturday saying:
    ‘Hey don’t Ignore me :(‘
    ‘You didn’t even reply to my other messages :'( :|

    I read these messages on Sunday and she then said ‘:|’ and I read that message to which she then said ‘You’re just being hella rude now’

    I couldn’t take that the she was still reaching out to me so I had to just tell her that I asked for space. I asked why she is still popping up to me despite her telling me that she was alright with the whole needing distance and she replied ‘well I didn’t know it was this long’ so I replied ‘hmm well it’ll take quite a bit of time’ and she replied ‘well I miss you’, I then said ‘Im just accepting the break up tbh’ and she said ‘Yh I know’ ‘But I still miss you’

    She eventually told me how she is stressed because her boyfriend doesnt know about her insecurities and that she’s scared how he is going to react. She told me how it was different for me and her because I knew her insecurities before we got together whereas with this guy she said that ‘He seems good with stuff he’s seen like my scars he was perfectly okay but what if he cant handle the fact that I’m still doing it or that I still feel the same’. I told her that if he handles it well then he’s good whereas if he doesnt handle it well then he’s clearly not good in the long run.

    I then just ended the conversation and told her good luck so that she would reply and would have the last say.

    I have no idea what I have to do from now onwards because the only reason that I gave her that advice was because at one point I was constantly saying how I was just accepting the relationship and how its her problems. She told me she feels like she lost one of her ‘fucking best friends’ I said I cant do anything because she is now her and I am me, we are no longer together. To which she replied ‘you’re just being a prick’ so I felt all defensive and had to be nice so that she wouldn’t have a bad image of me. I wanted to keep a positive image in her mind regarding what she thinks of me, I want her to think positive of me as opposed to being a ‘prick’ in her eyes.

    What do I even do to get the power back in my court from now. :/ I am still working on myself but regarding working towards reconciliation whats next.

      • I just gave her advice which might work. He didn’t mind her scars so why would he mind other insecurities? He will just pretend if anything that the insecurities do not pose a problem just so that he can continue being with her. So what do I do from this point on :/ regarding NC or just anything?

        She did then upload a profile picture saying ‘oh, there goes all the fucks I give’

  5. Hi jen,
    Quick update,
    Things going really well at the moment, me and the ex are getting on really well,
    Get the odd day where I feel like s##t and want her back then I redirect my thoughts, really hard but I have too,
    IS it normal to see a ex through rose tinted glasses like they were the best thing to ever happen to you, even tho everyday is getting easier and easier I do somehow slip into wondering how she feels and convince myself she’s fine and really wanting this, maybe once i really get my confidence that was shaken back to top it wouldn’t be such a huge issue,
    Hope all is well across the pond ,

  6. Hey Jen,

    So me and my ex broke up in July (bad breakup) very bad. He some how managed to weasel his way back in around ending September. We used to live together and I moved out last Feb but before we broke up I was the only one visiting (flying to him). Are relationship was actually great until I moved in with him. Maybe he checked out last year really. Before we broke up we were scheduled for a vacation last August so I thought we were okay. When he got back in contact with me he would initiate the calls, face time, etc., He came to where I live because of a wedding and he stayed with me. Didn’t invite me to the wedding though, which was so hurtful but I didn’t express that in order to maintain our peace. If I knew we weren’t getting back together I would have never let him come to my new place or least let him sleep on the couch. I was still intimate with him, which really sux. He left a couple of days before NYE and funny thing is he calls me every single day. I went to a game with my sister and he knew that. I am no longer friends with him because when he broke up with me summer time he deleted me. (More hurt) Never cared to add me back although he communicated with me daily. I did make a fake Instagram (IG) acct just to see his profile. His IG looks like hes enjoying himself, working out alot, new friends. It was weird that he didn’t call me one night and so I just logged on to the fake IG acct and he was in New York City! My heart dropped because he didnt mention it to me, he didnt say anything. Matter fact he called me from the back of a taxi and pretended like it was his friends car and they were dropping him off. (I just wondered how did you become such a liar and why?) He was just talking about vacation time after I mentioned I needed a vacation. I just felt all along he was he was keeping secrets and maybe he went to NY to see another person. I was hurt and I let him know, yes I told him I knew because his Priceline is tied to my name and I was getting emails (yea, I lied). There was a girl that he did visit that used to make us argue last year and he went to see her, she posted a pic on her IG. (In my mind he has moved on to her, although its way further from him than I was) We both live in TX. Well, I told him that I would no longer be hurt and he is not the person I once knew. After that I didnt even care to hear his voice because his txt mssg were mean and brought back old memories of our breakup. He brought up the past and since then I just decided its best for me to grieve the relationship and let go…I have not fully let go yet. He did try calling me and I ignored. I been ignoring his txt. Every time i see his message in my mind, I just tell myself that there is an angle to his madness. His last txt was last Monday, telling me he didnt want to burn bridges. I have no earthly clue what that means. Anyway, I just ignored I promised my self by Feb. 14th coming I would just release everything and let it go. I really do love him but hes changed alot. I tried talking to other ppl yet but I think I should give myself time. Also deleted his number but he messages me on Whatsapp, I guess to see if his messages are being read by me. They are but I just have nothing left to say, he broke up with me anyway initially told me that there is no more love. The other day I logged on to my Skype only to see that he changed his pic…Im trying hard to get myself to delete him on there. I given my self no choice by the 14th of Feb I will delete him. His 32, Im 29…Our birthdays are both in April one week apart so it will be hard not to think of him around that time. I feel like my heart will always long for him but some way some how I must let it be…

    Sorry if my story seems rambled…
    Thanks

  7. Hi jen
    Hope all is well. Found out ex gf seeing someone and it’s set me back, is there still hope or not. Really hit a low set after doing so well.
    She told me it would take a long time for her to meet someone and get hit with this over text,
    It’s really set me back,

    • Hi Dom, I’m sorry to hear that. I think life is forcing you to move on, whether you want to or not. Stop wondering if there’s still hope and truly, once and for all, accept that the two of you are over. I know it hurts. But there’s not really another option. If there’s hope in the future for you two or not, it won’t be accessible to you unless you truly let her go.

    • I know your right. Re read how you met someone new after 6montjs and this is how long it’s been for us,
      It’s just a very surreal feeling, it’s like I’ve been replaced, These are her words, (We still argued all the time. I wasn’t happy & I wasn’t going to live like that anymore. I shouldn’t have to wonder what things were going to be like on a daily basis. Or whether or not you’d walk out . It’s not the life I want I’m sorry)
      When you and c we’re apart was there any point you thought it’s truly over and did you find out he met someone, If so how did you accept it,
      Your right tho somethings telling me to move on,
      Thanknyou

      • I thought it was really over with C from the beginning. I’ve told you that before.

        He went on a few dates with others (which hurt) but it never got serious. I was the one who was relatively serious with someone else to try to help myself move on.

        Now, more than ever, you have to decide to work on yourself so that you never lose anyone again the way that you lost your ex. You need to learn to handle your emotions and be stable. How to stop arguing with those close to you. And you need to be the best father to your son that you can be.

  8. Hi Jennifer,

    I’m really struggling with moving on still. I know it needs to be done and he’s not coming back, but I keep dwelling.

    I have one question for you: how did you date someone so soon even while you knew you still loved your ex? I’ve met someone, and I know he’s attractive and has a ton of great qualities, but I have no desire to pursue him. I enjoy his company, but the thought of being sexually intimate repulses me. We kissed, and I know he’s a good kisser, but I felt nothing and didn’t want to continue. I’m worried that i’ve been brainwashed because I was with my ex for so long, and have just gotten used to him. I feel like forcing it and hoping I start to develop deeper feelings for this guy, but I don’t know if it’ll happen.

    Before my ex and I committed to each other, we were on and off for years. I tried dating many people throughout that time and it was the same thing… I never enjoyed sex with anyone else and would push people away after getting intimate :( I think i’m seriously messed up, and it sucks.

    Should I just stay single for forever and not attempt dating? Or force it and hope i become attached and develop feelings? Haha. I know i’m not over my ex, and lots of people say to wait to date before you are, but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever really get over him completely. He’s made such a huge impact on my life, he was my family.

    I’m worried i’m dating for the wrong reasons too… I have to see my ex at a party in a couple months, and I wish I could show up with confidence, having moved on and with someone else I care about, haha.

    Ugh. This really sucks.

    • If the guy you’re seeing is attractive but you don’t like kissing him, you’re not attracted to him — it doesn’t matter what he looks like. Cut it off.

      I was able to date someone else once I gave up on my ex completely. I believed that I was worthy of love and that life would bring me someone who would make me laugh and help me heal. And it did. That person also was willing to take things slow.

      Don’t rush it, obviously. And don’t force anything! I would go on lots of dates and meet lots of people…not just spend my time with one guy.

      As long as you tell yourself that you’ll never get over you ex, you never will. You’ll keep yourself in emotional bondage. If you believe you’ll be able to let go, that the universe is kind and will heal your heart, and that among the billions on this planet that there are at least 500,000 men who can love you deeply, make you laugh and feel attracted, important and worthy…that’s what will happen.

      As hard as it is to hear, it’s your addiction to the sad feelings surrounding your ex that is keeping you miserable. To assume that on the entire planet, NO ONE ELSE could make you feel the way your ex did (or better) is not only preposterous but putting your ex on a pedestal that he DEFINITELY doesn’t deserve to be on. He’s just a man. Trust me. I love C, I’m glad we gave it another go and we are a wonderful fit for each other, but had he not come back, I have zero doubt that I would have found total, blissful happiness elsewhere. I believe I deserve that, so my life brings me that constantly.

      • Hey Jen,

        I’m in the same boat as Marilyn… Still struggling, now a year and half later. I did read through all of your comments, and followed the advice you gave to the best of my ability.. It’s a constant battle of retraining my thoughts to focus on being happy alone while everyone around me seems to have found the love of their lives.
        It’s difficult for me to think I wasted 5 years on him, and now we’re both 30 yet he has already been with someone for a year now. I don’t see how things could ever change that he’d come back feeling the pressures of age to get married etc…, and investing a year into this other woman. It’s been 8 months since I last Twitter stalked him, and I kinda feel like if I knew he was planning to marry her, I could really move on, but then I also don’t want to go back to the state I was in, when we first broke up (crying every day, not eating, etc..)

        Looking in hindsight, I do believe you were absolutely right in your response several months ago, that we needed to break up. I needed to mature, and grow and let go of the immature, needy, controlling of his time crap.

        I guess what Im asking is that do you think it would help to check on his “status” or should I continue to focus my thoughts on moving on and letting go?

        Do you really believe in the whole “if it’s meant to be, it will be” sayings?

        Thanks so much Jen!
        <3 Nicole

      • It won’t help to check the status; you’ll only hurt yourself. You MUST decide that YOU are done, not find out that HE is done. Does that make sense? Until YOU take control, you’ll never move on.

        I believe that our thoughts and feelings are creative — literally, I believe they create our circumstances like a super strong magnet. So if we are in a strong and powerful place, powerful things happen to us. It almost seems magical. If we feel weak and pathetic, our lives will mirror that back to us. I still forget this sometimes and a string of “bad” things will happen to me. If I realize and check the thoughts I’ve been thinking, I always find that I’ve been thinking/behaving “below the line” (negatively, critically, jealously, etc).

        I believed C and I were meant to be, but when he didn’t even say anything to me on my birthday one year, I decided that the universe would not be as cruel as to put me with someone who would be so thoughtless about my feelings. I believed I was capable of a big love, and deserving of one. So I decided to be done, regardless of thinking we had been “destined” for each other. So I stopped saying his name, I deleted him everywhere, and I forbade my friends from mentioning him. That’s when the magic happened. Not because he changed, and not because we were meant to be. It was because I changed.

        You have to change. You’re still not getting (and Marilyn isn’t either) that this is not even about him. If it was about him, he’d still be with you. You must own that (even though it hurts) and then choose to become the person that something like this will never happen to again.

      • Thanks Jen- I’m grateful for your advice and experience. It really does help to hear it from another perspective and helps encourage me to refocus on thinking positive again.

        One other question… Friends have said I will regret this years down the road when I look back, but I’m thinking about throwing all the notes/letters/cards I collected away. I have them shoved in the back of a closet now, but I kinda feel like it could help let go. Do you think that’s the right thing to do?

        For all of the advice/help you’ve given everyone on here, I hope that happiness, love, and many wonderful things come your way. You definitely deserve some good karma :) for all of the time you invest in this blog helping us broken hearted.
        <3 Nicole

        P.S. Hope it's okay if I leave you updates from time to time!

      • You are very welcome.

        You’re still asking your friends and me for advice. But remember, this is about you. I might give you advice and it’s the worst advice ever, for YOU.

        Do YOU think you should throw them out?

        This sounds silly, but close your eyes and ask Future Nicole. I have done this tons of times and I’m often surprised with the wisdom that bubbles up.

        Does Future Nicole think it would be cathartic to throw them out? Does she think you should burn them? Maybe she thinks you should store them at a friend’s house for a firm period of one year? Maybe she thinks you should drive fast down the road and scatter them in the wind? Or maybe she’ll tell you to get a safe with a lock and put them in there…and then throw away the key. Or give it to someone you trust. The point is, the part of you that is timeless KNOWS.

        I can tell you this — I burned some of C’s letters. He threw everything I gave him out. Did it hurt one another to discover we’d done that? Yep. Did we blame the other person? No.

        That said, when I moved recently, I found letters I’d kept from my first love. We’re long out of touch now, but it stung to find them, and I wished I’d thrown them out ten years ago. I kept two things he made me and I threw everything else (sadly) away. Sometimes you think Future You will be ready to go through that stuff later, but you may not ever be. And really — what’s the point?

        I want to keep putting the power back in your hands because it IS yours, and that’s where it belongs. Deep down, you know the answer to all your questions. Trust yourself. ❤️

      • Thanks so much for your reply Jennifer.

        I know you’re right, there has to be someone else out there who I will love, I just know it’s going to be difficult to find. The town I live in is small, and my ex is very unique. He’s very… animated, and different. Kind of like a girl, haha. I grew up with this guy who has such a weird, quirky personality and now everyone else seems so boring. BUT, I know I have to open myself up to new people.

        The guy i’m currently seeing is attractive, and intelligent, and fun…we have lots in common. I know he’s a good catch so it’s bothering me that I don’t want to be intimate with him. I’ve only met one other guy in my life that I enjoyed kissing, despite loving my ex, but our personalities are so different. He’s into partying and is very extroverted… I can’t see us dating seriously, but my body responds to him. Should I pursue that guy?? haha. Gah. It’s frustrating.

        I am addicted to my ex and these sad feelings, I know. I really need to take him off the pedestal I’ve placed him upon.

        Thanks for all of your advice, you’re very kind. <3

  9. Hi Jen. I found your blog during the first few hazy days of my break-up and now (5 weeks later) I’ve re-read it and am so in love with this mind-set — and you! I love how you take the time to respond to everyone and seem so spot-on!

    So, here’s my situation:

    My ex boyfriend and I (both 28) were together for about a year and a half. 7 months of that he was deployed in Australia, although we either texted, spoke, or FaceTimed almost every single day. We started having trouble not long after he got back from deployment. It was a lot of things, I think; we went from being apart but communicating constantly to a full-blown but less communicative in-person relationship with a lot of moving parts overnight. He was re-stationed 3 hours away almost immediately after returning (making us long-distance again), it was the holidays so we were juggling both our families and careers, and I had some health problems that really took a lot out of me, so emotionally I needed a lot from him at this time and was really resentful when I didn’t get that support as my whole life in the 3 months that he was back before we broke-up basically revolved around finding him a house, moving him, his social obligations with the Marine Corps, time with his family/friends who also hadn’t seen him in 7 months, etc.

    I thought we were working through things together though until he broke-up with me out of the blue one day while I was at was work. He was crying VERY hard over the phone and all I was really able to take away from the conversation was that “something didn’t feel right” and that he didn’t feel we were a “good fit” anymore. He blocked me for about about a week on Facebook and even flew home to be with his family because he was so upset.

    After about a month of almost no contact, we reconnected on Valentine’s Day — I iniated, weakly — and have been texting almost like normal ever since. Both of us seem pretty miserable, frankly. We’ve both been trying to keep things light and upbeat, but the feelings are definitely there… Reminiscing and pet names were starting to slip through and such, and then last night he actually asked me if I was on a date (which I wasn’t, but he said it was okay if I was).

    We have been talking about talking about the break-up when he’s “ready,” but for some reason him asking me that question last night makes me feel like he’ll just let me chase him forever and still never really let me in…

    I know I need to walk away and make myself the priority I never was in the relationship, but do I directly tell him I don’t want to have that conversation anymore or just go radio silent?

    Any perspective would be helpful. Keep up the lovely writing ❤️

    – Mallory

    P.S. I should also probably add that we were talking about me relocating and moving in with him within the next 6 months… Again, he wasn’t ready, but I felt he needed to commit to some sort of timeline as certain other aspects of my life were effectively on hold with a possible move in the near future. This was something I really felt I had to stand-up for myself on and I feel like it backfired?

    • Hey Mallory,

      This is something that’s very common with men. I think it was easy to be so close during the 7 months he was deployed because he didn’t fully “have” you — so the talking and Facetiming was, in a way, him continuing to chase you.

      Once he was back, several realities set in — how to readjust to being here, finding a home, picking up friendships he might have neglected, etc. In his mind, HE was the one who needed your support; in your mind, YOU were. Hence the relationship not feeling right, or fun, or how it used to. Reality set in and as someone who is married now, I can tell you that commitment is ALL about support and not necessarily getting resentful if you don’t get it.

      The red flag here is that he said recently that it would “be okay” if you were on a date. Not good. Did he 100% mean it? Probably not, since he was bold enough to ask you (he was thinking: “Is she seeing other men and I don’t know about it?”). But him saying it was okay is NOT the answer you want to hear, so something needs to switch.

      You’re right in that he’ll let you chase him forever. And men do not like to be chased. The more you do it, the less he’ll respect you. Eventually, you WILL hear the “I’ve met someone else” line from him. It is why you will see less-than-super-attractive men going after super-hot women. Men hunt. And women like to be hunted. That’s probably why this situation feels so yucky to you — it’s reversed.

      If I were you, I would say that you’ve done some thinking and that while it’s nice to have been in recent contact with him after how hard the breakup was, that you realize you need to move on completely and meet other people, and in order for you to do that, you need some space. Tell him you really care about him and wish him the best but that you recognize that the breakup occurred for a reason and that you owe it to yourself to find someone more suited to you. (Yes. You want it to actually sound like you’re saying there’s something wrong with him. Do NOT take the weak position in this communication with him.)

      Don’t tell him how long the time-frame is. You WANT him to wonder. And you WANT him to wonder if you’ve already met someone. Don’t give any answers; don’t explain (it’s the biggest mistake we make during breakups to assume that they want to know everything we’re feeling — being vague and distant is a 100% better method).

      And then don’t contact him. Ever.

      He’ll contact you. Trust me.

      If you do get back together, you’ll have a LOT of shit to work through. This is the ugly advice I have to give. Sometimes, when someone has some commitment issues like your ex does, it’s really better to try to move on. Once he’s back, you’ll always be scared that he’ll do it again. It took well over a YEAR for me to even BEGIN trusting C again and I constantly asked myself if it was worth it. Even when we were engaged, I had big moments of being doubtful and afraid. It took pre-marital counseling and so.much.talking to get through it and it was seriously so difficult.

      Tell him you need the space (because you actually do) and that you’re moving on (because you need to at least try). If 8 weeks of silence doesn’t give him a wake up call, you don’t want him anyway.

      You’re only 28; there’s still so much time to find someone who won’t freak out when you need some support. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that men get the short end of the stick. There are good, supportive, decent, fun, smart, wonderful men EVERYWHERE. We think there’s a shortage for some reason. There isn’t!

      Good luck. <3

      • UGH. HELP. I replied to your reply yesterday but not sure that it went through as my iPhone is being batty and logging me out of everything and I’m newish to WordPress, but he has now initiated contact twice since then – he’s sad we didn’t get to see this new movie together and had a dream about me, blah blah blah – so I’m literally sitting on my hands not wanting to make the wrong move, LOL…

        Here is said reply to your reply again, just in case –
        Hi Jen.

        Thank you so much more your reply. I appreciate the honesty and perspective more than you know, and am 100% onboard.

        2 quick logistical questions, though, because I really want to get this right for myself and be able to hold my head high and with some grace:

        1. He has not initiated contact since that night, although the conversation did not necessarily end on a bad note. After he asked if I was on date – to which I said, “I don’t think so? I honestly didn’t even think about it that way and wouldn’t be texting you if I was…” – and he said that it was OK, he very quickly said he didn’t want to talk about it and changed the subject. We had more of our usual banter and then said our goodnights. I do feel he will eventually reach out at some point to have “the conversation,” though, even if only to ease his conscience as I know multiple mutual friends have been brutally honest with him about the fact that they feel the way he ended things was both selfish and cowardly, and that he led me on and let me make a lot of sacrifices for our relationship only to panic when life got real and complicated. He’s already told me I’m the best relationship he’s ever had and that’s he’s never been closer to anyone, he just needs some time to think about the things he wants to say to me… So do I beat him to the punch and say I don’t even want to have said conversation anymore or wait quietly until he brings it up? I just feel I’ve been initiating ALL communication since the break-up and don’t want to give him that power even one more time. Like you said, something needs to switch.

        2. I also think he’ll eventually contact me regarding a lot of my things left at his new house 3-hours away (including breakables and small pieces of furniture). I don’t care if I never see these things again, to be honest, but he apparently can’t stand anything that reminds him of me… Thoughts on how to make that work for me?

        Thanks again. I’m definitely past the wallowing stage and feeling much better day-to-day, but respecting myself again after letting someone who supposedly “loves me more than [I’ll] ever realize” treat me that way (yes, I recognized a lot of our issues as they were happening and ignored my gut the WHOLE time) is where I’m still doing a lot of self-work.

        Working my way through the rest of your blogs and am loving them :)

        Hugs, Mal

      • Just trust yourself. You know what the right and wrong moves are. If it feels weird to ignore his contact, then answer him. Ignore anything he says that’s emotional and stick to facts. When he asks what’s wrong (which he will because he expects warmth from you), tell him your version of what I told you to. When he asks about your stuff, tell him not to worry about it (leave the door open). It’ll all be okay. Just relax.

  10. Hey jen I hope all is well,
    Update for you.
    I FEEL GREAT. Time is a beautiful healer, the last few weeks it’s been like a sheet has been lifted over me and it’s like I’m a new me, the ex doesnt seem like she’s got a hold on me and I feel I’ve got my mojo and power back,
    I know it’s all going to be good, and confidence shows,
    Thanks for all your help and words and sorry I repeated so many of the same things I was in a horrible axiety bubble which I’ve popped, :)
    Your a 💎💎

  11. Thanks again for the spot-on advice, Jen.

    I trusted my gut, him and I have spoken twice over the phone now and we got to a point where I set things down and am committed to letting them lie, but I don’t know… I suppose I thought I would feel like a weight had been lifted or something, but it’s just so heartbreaking to me how shut-down he is, and makes me wonder if he ever REALLY loved me or if he was just going through the motions because I made it so easy for him. Even if we reconciled, I agree with you in that I don’t believe he’ll ever be willing (or even capable of) doing the work our relationship would need to be a successful one. I am beyond hurt and just generally frustrated. I really felt that I had put my best foot forward in this relationship. I can’t stress enough how hard I’ve been working on myself over the last few years as a result of deciding I wanted better relationships all around – my family has been through a LOT and I’ve observed the ill-effects of not deal with your sh*t in my parents and surviving sister all too closely – so the demise of this relationship, with the guy I felt so strongly was “The One” feels like it’s undoing all of that work. I just want to scream and break something. All I’m hearing from everyone around me (including my ex) is that I’m beautiful and smart and strong and deserve so much and that I did everything right… and I STILL got my heart broken, as though there simply must have been something intrinsically wrong with me. It’s an old, defeatist, typical child-of-divorce habit that I thought I had shaken, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like damaged goods at this point.

    My ex was (is?) my favorite person, my best friend, and the first person I ever felt confident actually building a life/family with, and for there to have been something “missing” for him has been a real bullet to my self-esteem and outlook, and I am SO MAD AT MYSELF for every little thing I misread along the way.

    I wonder sometimes if I’m actually a lot more broken than I think I am and have just fooled myself into believing things like I’m making progress, or that everything happens for a reason, or that I’m better for these experiences, etc.

    Mostly though I know it’s just been a bad day. Maybe I just needed to vent and put my worst insecurities down in writing to see how ridiculous they actually are…

    *sigh*

    I know this isn’t punishment but training. I know I am the most powerful when I embrace exactly where I am at. I know that I was built for a great love and that it will come to me in its time. I know I’ll feel joy again. Just not today, and that’s okay.

    Thanks for listening. Writing this and re-reading all the comments on here has been amazingly therapeutic. You really are helping people. That’s a real gift – and a priceless one at that <3

    • Your last paragraph says everything that I would have responded to you with. It is NOT punishment, and you shouldn’t be mad at yourself. You’re not damaged goods…not any more than the rest of us are. You’re capable, and deserving, and GOING TO HAVE, a great love…whether with your ex or someone else. I can PROMISE you that.

      A lot of your comment was written from being “in your head.” Like, you’re letting the totality of your consciousness reside there and speak on your behalf. The last paragraph came from the heart. When you feel yourself getting really anxious, ask yourself who you’re listening to — head, or heart. The head is always neurotic and fearful. When you listen to your heart, it may be sad, and it may hurt so much that it is physically painful (hence the term broken heart), but there’s a wisdom that comes from the heart that will reassure you that this is only temporary. Listen to it.

      During my breakup, I read stuff like what I’m saying to you now and I thought it was all bullshit. Yet here I am, speaking from the other side. My heart knew, even with all the lies and fear my head was screaming 24/7, that time would heal it and bring me an even greater love. The longer I stayed attached that my great love be my ex and only my ex, the more I suffered. Once I was just able to trust that I would love again and it didn’t matter if it was C or not, the whole world exploded open for me.

      Try to forgive your ex. I have no doubt that he deeply loved, and still does love you. Issues and baggage are getting in the way for you both. Release the baggage and tend to your heart. This time in your life will feel like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s only an instant.

      • Hi Jen!

        Figured I owed you an update:

        So the ex (?) came to see me about a month ago. Wined and dined me and at the end of it we had a really good talk – and have had a couple of really good dates/talks since then. Basically, he wasn’t ready to move in together because to him that meant a proposal needed to follow shortly. (Literally ALL of his friends either recently got engaged, married, or are having a baby and he’s nowhere near ready for any of that, so I think he had something of a panic attack…) He also didn’t know how to communicate a lot of these feelings to me because he’s a people pleaser who likes to be “perfect,” the perfect Marine, the perfect son, and so on.

        I told him that wasn’t fair – to let me be the only one being honest and expressing my concerns and essentially being “the bad guy,” to which he agreed and apologized for, as well as for a lot of other things that I thought were completely beyond his grasp.

        Long story short, we’re dating each other again exclusively and taking things slow, trying to let the relationship happen more organically now that we don’t have a coming deployment or a move rushing our decisions. He’s not ready to call it a “relationship” quite yet though, which I’m fine with (for now) because frankly he needs to earn my trust back and I still need to figure out for myself if this is really what I want. I told him point-blank that if we officially did get back together it would only be with the understanding that we want/see the same future together and are both 100% committed to making things work this time around. Definitions and timelines aren’t so important to me, but the feeling that we’re in it completely together is.

        It’s a crazy summer for us both in terms of our schedules but we’ve planned a bunch of little adventures (baseball games, hikes, Disneyland for our birthdays, etc.) and are really enjoying that time together, so fingers crossed. Reminding myself to trust the Universe and just be in the moment. What happens happens.

        Thank you again for being such a great sounding board!

        ~ Mal <3

      • I’m really glad for you! You did the work and now you can see him for who he really is, and you can come from a place of empowerment (knowing what you want and what you won’t settle for) and CHOICE. And really, you’re doing what you should be — just having fun. Someone told me once that your lover should really be an adventure partner — someone you have adventures and fun with above all else. Life is serious enough on its own; you don’t need to make your relationship super serious too!

        I truly wish you the best in everything! <3

  12. Hi jen.
    The last few weeks I’ve felt great, but I’ve had a minor setback, I think its because it’s truly sunk in its done.
    Do you think relationships are fully over or that anything down the road is Always possible,
    I’m in a ok place not like I used to be at all, but still I have a 1% hope that one day if we once truly loved each other which we did that could return regardless that she’s met someone and so have I,

    • Dom, I’ve answered this for you before. :) Trust that it’s all going to be okay and all going to make sense. Every time you have a setback, remind yourself that setbacks come from holding on, and moving forward comes from letting go. Let go. –Jen

  13. Congrats that it happened to you! Not everyone is that lucky. How long did it take you to let go?
    My ex broke up with me in March 2012. I begged and pledged him until July 2014. Stopped all contact Since then, he contacted me about the money I loaned him last month. I didn’t respond, he sent me another text in the beginning of feb. Saying he can drop the check off when no one is home. I gave him my account for electronic transfer instead. I haven’t heard from him since then. No money was deposited either.

    • Not everyone is that lucky, nor should everyone be that lucky. I’m 33 now, so I’ve obviously had plenty of other exes besides C. Not all of them tried to come back, but most of them did. I truly believe no contact is the way to make that happen. Begging and pleading is the most effective way to delay any kind of reconciliation. I learned that the hard way with C.

      We were apart for six months. It took me four months of crying every day to let go. And letting go didn’t come because I was ready to; it came because I chose to. That doesn’t mean it didn’t still hurt like hell. It did. I wasn’t over it, but I had let go.

      Sounds like your ex got curious about where you’d gone and used the money as a way to get you to answer. Not an uncommon tactic.

  14. Im really finding it hard. Its been 4 months and he has a new girlfriend. Hes told me he fell out of love with me. His feelings changed…for.many reasons. I do understand. He moved on to her after a few weeks. Irs hard, its really hard. I tell myself he needs time to miss me…but i think 4 months is enough…and hes not back yet.
    I know now isnt the right time for us but i cant shake the feeling that he will be back in my life. I do think he wasnt 100% about it..but wanted to try to move on as he couldnt see how to fix it. Weve left it on good terms but arnt really in contact. Im leaving the ball in his court. Mayne this new relationship will run its course i dont want to bother him untill it has. Maybe a year down the line things will be different. Right now my priority is feeling better…i m just struggling right now.

  15. Pingback: Small Life, Slow Life: What Getting Your Ex Back Will Look Like (Hint: It’s Not What You Think). | small life, slow life

  16. Wow this is beautiful. I really hope this works for m elike it did you.

    Story: I am 22, currently in college. I met my current ex in high school 6 years ago. We instantly hit it off and were like two peas in a pod. Just like every relationship that wears off and you then have to mature and realize the work it takes to get through the ups and downs. Well we had a kid who is currently 4, so basically 2 years in we had a kid together. We had broken up a few times for reasons consisting of things like me being less passionate or being less attentive that usual. And as i have matured into a man, I can certainly understand how much of a toll that could take on a woman. I, however, have always been faithful. No lies, cheating…giving my love away..etc. As we grew i always tried to make sure i was doing those tings but work, school and martial arts made it hard to be there all the time. I put a alot of my love for her into the works. I saved up money for a wedding ring and planned an engagement, I finally was able to find us a house, Im graduating with a degree in civil engineering and i took over my dads real estate partially. Things are looking great financially. However, before i was able to propose to her on valentines day…she broke up with me 4 days prior. I was DEVASTATED….and still am. I cried….begged…pleaded..even proposed out of plan ..nothing worked. Everyone said give her space because all this will do is push her away but at the time you just cant fathom. Like you sort of mentioned, you want to believe she will see such a good thing she had and come to her senses. We have a kid and such a bright future. WHy would she throw it away? Her reason? She needed space. She needed time to focus on herself. Ok cool…after while i was able to accept that. But under the idea that she was eventually planning to come back. I then found out she was talking to someone else(we have had a few problems a while back of her texting and talking to other guys, her reason being she was lonely or needed to feel the void or whatever)and that she even hund out with him. She says she didnt leave me to be with anyone else and made it clear. She says that she really is focusing on herself. I oddly still believe her but as a man, and knowing how other guys prey on woman in times of weakness…it worries me. Eventually I got over the sadness. I eventually told myself that i truly love her…i love her enough to let her go out and bump her head a little. THe grass isnt always greener. Ive allowed my time to reflect on my mistakes and how i could improve as a man. Ive always had our best interest at heart and wish she could see that and know no other man loves her like i do. So i did sort of reach that turning point and reading this just really boosted me ahead. During our space I have done little sweet things very far apart like giving her a drawn portrait of herself. SHe really loved it and her face glowed with happiness. I could tell this was the type of stuff she wanted me to do while together. And i let that romantic side fade because of other priorities. She just wanted to feel important.Even though i feel i didnt deserve to be lied to, emotionally cheated on and treated like crap during the space(ignoring me and not acknowledging me accept when about the kid) I understand how important this time apart may be. Its almost hard for me to believe one could see so much in front of them and not eventually realize. I suppose im at the point now where, as you mentioned, I should be trying to get happier..not for the sake of her to recognizze..but for me…because life is funny. Even after all this..she just may not come back. Is it stupid? I think so..but we all do stupid things. THere are plenty of women who would love a handsome, young successful guy. who also believes in long terms loving relationships. Just thought id share. please reply is possible. Thanks!! (sorry for typos..on iphone)

    • You said it perfectly there at the end. EVERY woman wants a handsome, young, successful guy…who makes her feel important. You are in the process of learning from your mistakes and making her feel like a priority. As women, all we really want is to be noticed and listened to. The hand drawn portrait of her showed her that you’re capable of that.

      My husband is a personal trainer with a thriving business. Sometimes he’s at the gym 60 hours a week. He also trains/does martial arts and is very close with his family. Outside of all of that, he does his part to keep our home nice and help out others. All that aside, when he comes home, the FIRST thing he does is come to kiss me and ask how my day was. He randomly pops in to my work and brings me a coffee or lunch. Throughout the day, I get several texts just wishing me well or asking how things are going. We’ve been on and off for 9 years now…it’s not like we’re newly in love. He has a way of making me feel so special and paid attention to…even after all this time. Looking back, I feel like our relationship has deepened and gotten better over the years.

      Likewise, I do my part to maintain my interest in his life. I think longterm partners often get complacent and start to live side-by-side like roommates. To maintain the deep bond, you must live facing each other…not side-by-side. Nothing is worse for a woman than a man who isn’t passionate about her. Did she really emotionally cheat or did another man just show her that she’s valuable and worthy of attention?

      She will either return to you or she won’t, but you’re right…you must do things that make you happy at an essential level and you must open yourself up to sharing your life with someone, even when things like raising a child and work get in the way.

      It’s only been a month since your split, so be patient and when you feel down, remember that all things can be restored and healed. You are very young. I see nothing but happiness ahead of you. Take this as an important lesson and trust that things will work out.

      I wish you the best, truly. –Jen

  17. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We’ve been long distance for a while; he’s in Utah and I’m in Oregon. I decided to drive 10 hours and see him for a week to try to fix our broken relationship. We had a great time like we always do when we’re together. But as soon as I left he stopped talking to me as much, still says I love you and everything though. I’m supposed to leave for his house again this week and join him and his family for Easter. I asked him last night if it was still worth it and he said it would just be us “pushing the rest button and further extending what needs to end”. It broke my heart. Then he went on the say that it just wasn’t the time nor place for us. I’m confused and so so hurt. I know I have to let go so I can start getting my life back together, but I’m really afraid of holding on to the hope that maybe we’ll be together again when the time and place are right. Mind you he did this last summer while I was away in South America for 3 months. He said it wasn’t the time or place among other things, but then he came back a few months later. So now in the back of my mind I keep thinking maybe that’ll happen again, maybe he’ll come back and realize the mistake he made. But holding on to hope like that seems very toxic to me. Any advice would help. I need to heal this broken heart and fast.

    • Hi Madeleine,

      It’s the “fast” part of healing your broken heart that is difficult. This time in your life has happened for a reason. I don’t know what the reason IS exactly, but there is a reason and it’s here to teach you something. The hard part is accepting how long that lesson will take. Be open to what this time in your life is here to teach you and I promise you will actually be thankful for it later. (I know it sounds crazy. Just trust me.)

      It will be natural to hold on to hope initially. Your mind is feeding you the lie that “everything will be okay if he just comes back.” External circumstances don’t actually make us happy for more than a fleeting moment. Even if he came back right now, your trust would still be broken and your heart would still ache. All you can do is respect his wishes, don’t contact him at all for ANY reason (even if it seems logical, like about mailing your stuff back or something) and let him initiate all contact. When he does contact you, keep your responses to a minimum and tell him that while you are hurt, you agree that something was wrong between you and that you are respecting his decision and beginning the process of moving on. I KNOW this seems counterintuitive; just trust me…I’ve seen this enough times to know.

      Tend to your heart, don’t run from your grief (because it’ll only catch up with you later). Cry as much as you need to and trust me when I say that happiness, joy and most of all LOVE will return to your life once this period is over!

      Sending you love + healing,
      Jen

      • I feel like I been extra emotional this week thinking of my ex. Probably because his birthday is coming up this week and mine next. I have been healing ignoring his call/txt/his friends “mistaken” calls, etc. Jen during your time with C did you say happy birthday… Etc., he wished me happy valentines and I ignored that as well. I wanted to reply but I been doing so well. How can one take their mind off on your ex birthday…?

      • C and I broke up in October. I’m pretty sure I said happy Thanksgiving, and he told me Merry Christmas and happy birthday. It’s normal during special occasions to think of your ex more frequently. I guess you need to consider what your goal is (to get back together? to be friends?) before you decide if you’ll wish him happy birthday or not. If you’re in an emotional state, I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s best to stay far away from the ex when in an emotional state.

      • I honestly would hope that we would end up together somewhere down the line but not putting my hopes into it. I still love him but was trying to detach the old thing we had. I really don’t want him to think I just sit around thinking about him (I sorta do). I’m living my life and I’m about to turn thirty in 8 more days So I just been reflecting a lot.

      • Thank you Jen. I stopped contacting him after he told me not to show up for Easter. But of course today, the day I was supposed to leave with his family to drive to Utah, he calls me asking why I didn’t join them. It was very hurtful and confusing. We ended up fighting and he told me right before we got off the phone that “maybe we should just go back to not speaking”. I’m afraid I’ve ruined any chances and it feels like my heart is breaking all over again. I don’t understand his need to play mind games. Is there still hope? Do I just go back to not contacting him? I tried apologizing, but he won’t respond to any texts which doesn’t really surprise me.

      • Why does the right thing always seem so impossible? I miss him like crazy, but I know I should let go until he finds out what he truly wants. The process is just so hard.

  18. It is truly empowering to accept and move on. Pining your life away isn’t going to solve anything and it took me a while to realize this. It doesn’t help self growth. While I know mine won’t come back, I find solace in thinking of it this way. congrats on your outcome.

  19. Hey Jen!

    So I’m curious… My ex (whose first initial is also C, haha) and I are dating again and trying to see where things go as I told you, but you were right – we’re both still VERY gun-shy. Some days it feels like a full-time job keeping my anxiety about the situation in-check and staying positive, in the moment, etc. I’m a very Type A person, so it’s difficult for me to just let things unfold at their own pace as opposed to pushing for an “official” relationship status of some kind even though I know that, in this case, slower is better while we’re both still figuring out if this is what’s best for us.

    Our communication as been both careful and honest and led to some really great talks about our individual concerns and needs, but we’re both still having a hard time trusting each other/ourselves because we both got hurt so badly before.

    I guess what I’m asking is how/when did you and C start to relax and feel like “the two of you” again?

    Hope all is well :)

    ~ Mal

    • The short answer is that it took a really, really long time. Things were a little different in my situation I think — C and I were apart for longer than you two were and when he first came back I refused him multiple times. So by the time we got back together, he strongly wanted to not just be in an official relationship but he also wanted to quickly move forward with moving in together and talking about getting married. I was super gun-shy and wasn’t even sure if he was “the one” anymore. It took premarital counseling and lots of long talks for us to really heal. Basically, what you’re experiencing is totally normal. Read my most recent post on this blog…I wrote all about this exact situation. :)

      • Wow, no kidding! Okay, so spin-off question: How long did it take your friends and family to relax about it? Things between my C & I are going really well, but my family is pressuring me to bring him around ASAP, and I have one particularly opinionated girlfriend who loves to make little quips, like, “I’m just saying, it isn’t supposed to be THIS hard” and whatnot. I hate that I find myself defending him when, the way I look at it, he’s human too and messed-up, but is really digging deep to do the self-work just like I am. I know they’re coming from a good place, but how do I tell them to give us some space and be supportive without sounding defensive? (I should mention that I’m extra annoyed by this because they cut my last ex a lot of slack even though he was by FAR a worse partner to me – he was just extra fun and engaging whereas C is a little shy, but because he’s a giant Marine it sometimes comes off as brusque or disinterested.)

      • Yeah. That took a long time too. But my C personally went to my parents and apologized for the pain he had caused, which helped a lot. If they see that you’re happy, they’ll let up eventually.

  20. Hi Jen! Thank you so much for your blog and taking time out of your day to read my post! Out of everything I have read, your blog by far is the best. I have a couple of questions that I hope you can answer. First off, my break-up happened about 2 months ago, and it was confusing. At first, he told me he just needed some space but when I asked if he was breaking up with me he said “he didn’t know what to call it”. Before I moved my stuff out of his house that day, he gave me a stuffed dog his parents had gave him when he was 5 years old and started crying saying that if I didn’t leave now, then he wouldn’t be able to let me go and that he needed to mourn “us”. After that, I didn’t call him for 10 days (he didn’t try to reach out to me either) and I also didn’t think it was a break-up, until it was valentine’s day and he took down our relationship status and the picture of us down. I also got texts from people saying they’re sorry for the break-up (which ended up in 2 fights where my friendships with people were lost, which made everything worse and more stressful). I then called him and when I asked what was going on, he said “I don’t what to tell you Cayla, I don’t love you anymore and it was a break-up” (he then admitted he told me it wasn’t the first time so I would stop crying and leave his house). He also said he would call me when we’re ready to talk about the break-up. Since then, I haven’t called him and thought I had gotten over him until I ran into him (while I was drunk and he was sober, of course) at a bar this past Easter night. He was basically ignoring me and then we talked for a bit, but was trying to talk to the people behind him while I was talking to him! He then asked if I wanted to talk outside and I said yes and we did. He kept saying “you don’t know what it’s like to come home to someone you don’t have feelings for everyday” and “you have to accept feelings sometimes fade”. After that, we got into a fight, but then I asked him to forgive me since I was drunk and I didn’t want to end on a bad note, so we made up and he gave me a hug (and said he would call me when we were ready to talk) and then asked my friend to drive me home (I guess that situation couldn’t be much worse than when you and C met up after 3 months and things didn’t go so well). After that, I cried the entire night (for the first time since the break-up) and felt so much better afterwards. The past couple of days I was thinking about how rude he was to me at the bar and I’m finally on the mindset of “if he doesn’t realize what a wonderful, loving, and amazing person I am he doesn’t deserve me” (I know I’m not 100% of the way there but I feel like I am about 80% :) ). I even joined a dating website and have a couple of dates set up for the week. But here are my couple of questions: when my ex ends up contacting me, how long should I wait before replying? I do want to talk to him about some things before and if I take him back. Also, what do you talk about the first time after not talking for so long? I was thinking that he brought up that he wanted me back I would tell him I think we should only be friends, that he needs to rebuild my trust, and that if we do hang out it will be on MY time and “just as friends” (emphasis on MY time and “just as friends”). I will also let him know that he needs to gain my trust and respect again before I would even consider it. Also, when do you finally accept them if you decided to take them back and how do you tell them you’re willing to give them another chance? Lastly, were you in love with the second guy who came along during that time? Did everyone know you were dating someone else? Also, we lived together for 10 months, I am 23 and he is 28, we broke up a couple of days before our 1 year anniversary and we met after I manifested my ex into my life using the “soulmate list”. Thanks again Jen for your help!

    -Love, Cayla

    • Hi Cayla,

      Of all the comments I’ve read, your breakup sounds pretty identical to the one I had with C.

      That said, I think you’re jumping the gun a little here. I’m glad you’re not reaching out to him and I’m glad you have dates set up. You need to keep moving in that direction and not be planning so far ahead as to what you’ll do when your ex wants you back. Don’t strategize. This might not make sense, but even the energy you’re putting into the universe of waiting for him to come back and planning so far ahead as to knowing what you’ll say/do when he DOES come back…that very energy is what’s keeping him from coming back.

      Look, if/when he does come back, he won’t want to know that you’ve been planning your reunion the entire time. Right? Is that attractive? No. Do you know what is attractive? You truly letting him go and moving on. Abandoning the thought that he’ll come back. That’s the whole point of this blog, which I feel like most people miss. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SINCERELY LET GO FOR THE REUNION TO HAPPEN. I don’t know why it works like that, but that’s the way it works. Let go, go on dates, enjoy your life, and don’t worry about what you’ll do when he gets back. Let Future Cayla deal with that when it happens.

      I know this doesn’t really answer your question, but if/when he does return, it won’t feel anything like what you’re expecting, so my answers would be rendered useless anyway. You have to let it unfold the way it will.

      I don’t know if I was in love with the other guy. It was heading that way. I was really, really into him, and yes, everyone (C included) knew I was dating him. I even introduced him to my family. I thought we had a future together. Circumstances obviously changed, but taking my attention off of C and onto someone new really helped me get past C.

      It took me a long, long time before I told C I’d give him another chance. That wasn’t strategy, it was authentic. If/when your ex comes back, your inclination might be to not even take him back.

      Hope that helps.
      Love, Jen

      • Dear Jen,

        Thank you for replying to my post. I think I get what you’re saying. I am actively working on my problem of jumping ahead in my mind with thoughts of what would be (I have this problem with thinking of everything I want in the future, where I constantly think ahead, and it’s not limited to my ex). I really need to work on focusing on the moment instead of trying to plan ahead. After all, this is the blog about what happens after your plans all out fail. I didn’t realize this until I read your response, but I see now where that is me giving away my power to my ex by even thinking about him at all. I sometimes forget the whole point of manifestation is to be happy and let things work for you instead of doing the work for it (and I guess sometimes I need a reminder of that Lol).

        For now, I will keep on trying to focus on my self-love and try to manifest romantic feelings that are not directed at my ex. So far on the dates I went on I liked the guys, but in a way I would like a really good friend instead of romantic feelings, but I guess those will come in time (or I’ll meet someone I have that special connection too).

        I guess things never happen quite as we expect them but if I have faith in myself, it will manifest in me knowing what to do no matter what comes my way.

        Thanks again for all your blog posts, I think they really are helping me get to that 100% over him where I want and need to be.

        -Cayla

  21. Hi Jen! I loved reading your blog post about learning to let go and find peace. I am going through my first real breakup and it has been devastating. My boyfriend of over two years broke up with me a little over 3 months ago, and it was heart-breaking for both of us. There were many tears on both sides. He said that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore, and that he thought our relationship had turned to more of a friendship and that he thought the spark was gone. He said it was frustrating for him because he couldn’t pinpoint anything wrong with me or our relationship, just that something didn’t feel right to him anymore. This year is the first year that we are both at college together, and while I don’t participate in the college party scene, he wanted to go out and have fun with friends. I think this caused some tension between us, although we never had any fights or arguments during the course of our relationship. While I told him that I trusted him and if he wanted to go out with friends that was fine with me, he said that he felt like he was disappointing me. I believe he was conflicted over this for a few months before the break up happened. We truly were each other’s best friends, so when he broke up with me he said that he still wanted to be friends and see each other often because he couldn’t imagine me out of his life forever. I agreed initially because I thought it was better than nothing.

    We did not contact each other for about a month, but then we fell back into contact (I initiated it) and after that, he began to send me videos or links to articles he knew I would like. I thought perhaps the way back into his heart was to establish communication again. We ran into each other one afternoon about 6 weeks after our breakup and he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee with him, so I did, and we talked for about an hour and enjoyed catching up with one another. I thought that perhaps he was starting to miss me and make an effort to get back together. It is evident went we see each other that we genuinely enjoy one another’s company. Nothing is awkward and we fall back into easy conversation and both make each other laugh so much. After maintaining some contact for a few weeks, I realized that it was too hard for me because I was getting my hopes up only to have nothing come of it. I had to tell him that if he could not commit it was better that I move on without him. He was sad but said he would miss me and he thanked me for everything I had taught him during our relationship. Just a couple of weeks after our break up, he ended up joining a fraternity, and now spends most of his time with this new group of friends.

    I ran into him around campus recently outside a café about a month after I told him I couldn’t maintain a friendship. We hadn’t had any contact since then. He was on his way to class, but he happy to see me and asked what I was doing, and I told him I come here every Thursday to grab a muffin before class. After chatting pleasantly for a few minutes, I told him I had to run. The next Thursday, I ran into him again right outside the café I had seen outside of the week prior, and he stayed and talked to me while I waited for my order. By the time we left, he was 15 minutes late to his next class. He texted me just a few minutes after and said “let me know how the blueberry muffin is for future reference!” which seemed like a bit of an excuse to text me. I thought these were signs that he was missing me, but that weekend just a few days later I learned that he attended a fraternity formal with a girl from one of his classes. This was an overnight trip in a different city, and I am upset at the thought of him with anyone else. Furthermore, this girl is a bit wild and not his type whatsoever. It is frustrating that he does not want to get back together although it is so evident that we click really well. He does not initiate contact, but when we see each other, he doesn’t seem to want to leave. Additionally, he has changed so much recently, and his decisions and priorities are so much different than they were just a few months ago. He was not into drinking or partying or anything or the sorts until just a few months ago, and now he is acting like someone I do not recognize. It’s hard for me to believe that this isn’t just a phase that he will grow out of soon enough. It’s so tempting to wait for him to grow up, but at the same time it is killing me to hold on to hope. I know that I have to just focus on myself right now for my own well being, and that’s what I am trying to do. I guess at this point I am looking for confirmation that I am doing the right thing.

    • I am absolutely sure that he misses you…especially after being together for so long and having a stable relationship.

      The thing about holding on to hope is that you’ll eventually resent him for it. Is this a phase he’s going through? Most likely. Does he really care deeply about this wild girl? Most likely not. Will you be able to forgive him when he’s done with her and suddenly wants another chance with you? Probably not for a long time.

      The other thing is that when he sees you, he’s reminded of all the good times and probably can’t help trying to be extra accommodating. He’s testing the water to see if you’re still interested. If you still show signs that you are, he knows he can speed dial you when he’s lonely. Not what you want. It goes against conventional wisdom, but if you really want him back eventually and for him to realize what an idiot he is, what you need to do is show him that you’re NOT still interested. In other words, start avoiding the place you buy your muffin if you know you’ll run into him. If you do run into him, be cold (even if it kills you). When he texts you things like “let me know how the muffin is,” or whatever, respond with, “It was nice to run into you but I’ve moved on and still prefer not to be on speaking terms. Take care.”

      Women have the hardest time with this for some reason, likely because it’s drilled in our heads to always be nice girls and never do anything bitchy. Well, there’s a book called “Why Men Love Bitches” and while it’s not my dating philosophy, I do think every girl who’s been through a breakup should read it because it’s illuminating.

      What will convince him that he’s lost you, what will prompt him to change his mind, is NOT you waiting around or being cordial when you see him. What will change his mind is you being cold, or even better, INDIFFERENT, when you see him. I’ve written a TON of comments about this to other people already, so I would recommend reading those. But long story short — he must feel that he’s lost you, completely, to want you. If you wait for him to grow up, on some level or another he will FEEL that and NOT be attracted to you. Do you want a guy who waits around pining for you? Nope.

      You are doing the right thing. Do not contact him. And it’s been several months now, so you should start looking at going on dates when you feel a little more ready. I missed out on the party scene when I was in college…both because I was introverted and also because I was in a longterm relationship. Don’t do that to yourself. Go out and meet people, go to craft and game nights…you don’t have to drink till you puke to have fun in college. Use this time to meet as many people as possible and to learn about yourself. In time, you’ll be glad you and your ex broke up because this will be the start of a whole new world for you.

      Best of luck,
      Jen

      • Hi Jen,
        You gave such great advice when I posed my original comment. I was hoping you could help me with my latest breakup development. After one week of being at home for the summer (we broke up in January), my ex texted me, making small talk asking about how I was doing and my summer plans. He then mentioned how he would like to get together so that we could talk face to face, and I asked what he wanted to talk face to face about. He said nothing in particular, just an opportunity to catch one another up on how the last four months have been and anything exciting going on in our lives. I told him I wasn’t sure that was the best idea because this breakup was not something I wanted and he said he was sorry I had been hurt by everything and that perhaps, in a couple of weeks, I would reconsider getting together to catch up. As I stated in my original post, I already asked him 2 months ago not to contact me and to let me move on. He didn’t mention any intentions of wanting to get back together with me, yet he is continuing to reach out to me after I told him that wasn’t healthy for me. Right now, I am in control of the situation because I told him that if I decided catching up was something that I wanted, I would let him know. My question is, could any good come out of meeting up with him for coffee or something to catch up? Could he possibly be trying to rebuild our relationship slowly and see if a connection is still there? Thanks again for your help.

      • Hey Juliet,

        I don’t have a good feeling about it. Time has passed, he’s probably lonely and wants to test the waters. Not something you want to be around for. Keep holding on to the power — he will keep contacting you will likely eventually confess that he misses you. Don’t even give in then.

        When he wants you back, it will literally be him pounding on your door, in the rain, begging for another chance. You don’t want to get involved when he’s just dipping his toe in the water like this. He thinks he might want you back and he probably is imagining it will be easy. Don’t let it be easy. Anything that has value is not often easy to obtain.

        You don’t want him to just be “testing” if a connection is still there. He must feel as though he’s made a huge mistake. You grabbing coffee with him to “catch up” won’t teach him that.

        Good luck, Jen

  22. Dear Jen,

    I would like to ask you, how did you let go of the hurt and resentment? Even before the reconciliation? I’m so sick of feeling this way about someone who clearly doesn’t care about me anymore. I went to therapy in the beginning, I’m reading books (secret, deepak Chopra..),…and other stuff to make me feel good again. When I’m down or missing her like crazy,when It consumes me I reread posts like yours.
    My ex pops up every now and then to see if I want friendship. She doesn’t even acknowledge that she has hurt me in a very bad way, and that she made the BU more painful then it needed to be. The last contact, after 9 months of nothing from me, was very cold on her part. I just told her that contact, only for friendship, is not for me. I told her that I am fine, but actually I’m not. And now I’m having a big relapse. I don’t understand how peoples interactions can change so badly. I do not recognise this cold person. It was almost a business like, short and cold interaction. Like I’m being small minded that I don’t want friendship.
    To be honoust, it’s just to hard. So I’m trying to let go, allready for a long time.
    The fact that I knew her 6,5 years and that we’ve been together for 5, and i don’t recognise this harsh and cold way, is the most painfull thing for me. She used to be so caring and loveable. It’s like I used to live in a lie, and that it didn’t meant that much ( I know that sounds quite bitter).
    So Jen, how did you let go hurt, disapointment and resentment? Did you went through it? I’ve noticed that if I ignore it, it just pops up even more, when I’m reminded of her.

    I guess I just needed to vent a little bit. My family kinda hates her now, they don’t really understand why this is still so hard for me. I’m looking forward when you write a new ‘article’ and not only about exes, I really like to read those.

    I hope all is well for you and your family
    Laure

    • Hi Laure!

      I did go through the hurt, resentment and disappointment and it was quite intense for a while. I think the key to letting go of that is to realize that you’re the person controlling those feelings. You said it yourself: “I’m so sick of feeling this way about someone who clearly doesn’t care about me anymore.” If it’s a one-sided emotion & you’re feeling it, that means you also have 100% control in healing it. It has nothing to do with her and nothing she could do could increase or take away that pain for you.

      Start by reassuring yourself when you’re feeling really low. “I’m sick of feeling this way…but I don’t have to feel this way anymore. I can choose to feel something else.”

      For me, several things helped. One, I stopped talking about him completely. I found that the more I focused on him, the more it hurt…so I did everything in my power to stop focusing on him. Two, I started doing new things. Staying in my same old mind pattern was producing the same old feelings, so I forced myself to try new things…yoga, going out with new friends, throwing myself into my work, eating at new restaurants…anything to produce NEW feelings and to bring about change. And three, even though I didn’t want to, I started going on dates. It can be really hard to let go of old romantic energy for someone without bringing new romantic energy in. You’d be amazed what even just adding a few new friends to your life can do for your outlook. We’re very susceptible to the feelings/energy of people around us…so start hanging out with people who are happier than you are. And go on dates if you can, even if it makes you uncomfortable at first.

      As for this “cold person” you don’t recognize…she’s responding to YOUR energy. You’re very angry with her, so her intuition tells her not to be vulnerable with you. Hence the transformation she’s undergone in front of your eyes. Inside, she’s the same warm person who you loved very much. But because she can sense your resentment, she doesn’t feel safe with you. I suspect she also misses you…but when she reaches out to you and you tell her you’re fine (when you’re not), she knows you’re not ready yet.

      You have to forgive her for the way she left. Nothing can be done to change that the BU happened and the way she did it. She did the best she could with the emotional skills she had at the time. Forgive her for letting you down and wish her the best on her journey. There’s a reason the break up happened…and while she had a large part in it, so did you. Forgive her and release her in your mind. Wish her nothing but happiness. Because the more sadness you wish upon her, the more sadness YOU will feel.

      I wish you the best and thank you so much for your kind comment.

      Love, Jen

      • Jen, thank you for your words. They Always seem to calm me down.
        You’re right, I did answer her in a cold way. It must be hard for her to to contact me. The thing is, I don’t know another way at the moment. I get the feeling that she is oblivious about the way she has hurt me, during but also very much after the BU.
        I litteraly said goodbye to her, cos I know for myself that friendship is not an option. I just can’t. She kept contacting me for a long time. And now she does it again, just to say hello. She said a lot of stuff that created hope for me. Maybe that’s the reason I don’t understand that she still contacts me to ‘catch up’. It feels disrespectful or that she doesn’t want to understand that I need to be in NC for myself.

        Anyway I’m trying to forgive her and in the end I will. I think I just need a very long time of real NC (that I don’t hear anything from her).

        Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions and sharing your experience. You really made me feel better in a way.

        Have a nice evening,

        Love,Laure

  23. Omg! This story here just gave me HOPE! And I love it. Did it seem very much impossible for him to return to you at first? Did it seem as if was certainly detached? I have tried just as you did to get my ex boyfriend back and of course it has not worked. But now I am building strength to simply let go. We have been split for 4 months now. 3 of those months we were in high contact, getting out, etc. It wasn’t going that well because emotions were so high for me and I wanted him back! Your story is AWESOME and makes me pray an outcome as yours. I’m just trying to remain strong and get myself back on track.

  24. Ok this is really long but will someone PLEASE HELP ME, it all spiraled out of control and it’s killing me. I’m going to refer to my now ex, the one I want back as J.

    J and I were together for a little over 4 years and for about the last year of the relationship things got really rough. We went off to separate colleges but didn’t think it would be a problem since we had went to different high schools and lived about an hour from each other anyway. The summer before we moved to college J started acting different, like a real ass, and the week before I moved in to school he broke up with me. I convinced him to still help me move in so I didn’t have to explain to my parents. That night, after I moved in, he begged me to come back home so we could talk so I did. We ended up crying and saying how much we didn’t want to lose each other and got back together. About a week after I had been in school I got this gut feeling and so I checked his social media messages (we had each other’s passwords, it was fair game). Sure enough my gut was right. There were messages from many girls from his college, asking for his number, him inviting them over, back massages, all the typical. One girl (we’ll call her C) he seemed really interested in. But I didn’t overreact I just simply asked him if he’d been talking to any girls, inviting them up, any of that. His response was no. I asked him three times. He said no every time. So I sent him the screenshots, apologized for getting on his stuff, and said you lied to me we are done. That was late August 2013. He started begging pleading apologizing and I would see him some but then a guy from my school, that I was really attracted to, came into the picture. I started hanging out with him a lot, we kissed, nothing more (we’ll call him V). I really liked him but he started talking bad about J and bashing my lifestyle, kinda made me mad. I had told J I had kissed him and really liked him. Then J’s grandpa got really sick. I knew I had to be there for him. Finally after going round n round we got back together at the beginning of November 2013. I didn’t fall in love with him again until the end of January. V was still persistent and we talked a lot. However, J won me back and I fell all over again. School started back late January and things started going down hill again. Me and V started talking some again and J started being a butt. Then it happened. Early February I found out I was pregnant…me and J were devastated, terrified. It’s all we ever wanted but we knew we couldn’t do it. We made the executive decision to abort it. Two days before I was to terminate my pregnancy I got a call from J asking if I could come get him, he had “locked his keys in his truck”. I said I’d meet him half way but I was too sick (from the pregnancy) and very tired and couldn’t make that drive. He agreed. So I went to get him and took him home. Two days later I made the most regretful decision of my life (I hate myself for it) to terminate my pregnancy. At first things were hard. But we got better, him and I. Then on spring break, I was playing games on his phone and checked his messages. He had a texts from C, the girl he was interested at the begging of the year. The text read: from him: where’s my pants? Lol from her: I don’t know haha. I WAS LIVID. Thinking the obvious, obviously. Then I put two and two together. I checked the date on the messages and sure enough they were from the night his keys supposedly got locked in his truck. The truth was they had actually been thrown away with his pants with the girl he was interested in. I didn’t break up with him though because of everything that had happened and his grandpa was still really sick. We got better, celebrated a great birthday together (only a day apart), and things were looking up. I was in love with him. He was in love with me. We grew close again. Then V started wiggling his way back in. We texted casually, quite often though. J got mad. I wasn’t meaning to hurt him but idk, I guess my thought was look how much you’ve hurt me I can at least talk to him, immature I know. In early June we lost J’s grandpa. It was devastating. He was so broken, it hurt to see him hurt. It brought us close again. We had a wonderful family vacation at the lake, gosh I loved him. Then when school started back things got bad again. We fought a lot. We broke up again, I started hanging out with V, kissed, nothing more. I kinda stopped trusting J. We got back together, the last date we went on was mid October 2015. We fought at first but ending up having a wonderful time and that’s when I decided I was going to move close to him and be with him and we were going to get right. Not too long after that though, he broke up with me. It made me mad. He kinda begged for me back, we fought, said a lot of mean things to each other, it got really really bad. He told me he wanted me. Finally i softened up and three days after that I agree. However he tells me it’s too late. 3 DAYS! So I begged, pleaded, cried, apologized, stalked, hacked. Name everything not to do to get your ex back and I did it. He claimed his new girl was better than me and he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me and didn’t care. I heard it all. He was so mean. (This started January 2015). I still begged, cried, called. He started blocking me. (End of feb) After the second time he blocked me I got mad and left him alone..for 10 days. During that time he called and facetimed but never text. I Finally answered him late one night and he was crying. Saying how much he love loved me, how sorry he was, asking if I changed, all that. He then text me that night and said “you’re the only one I’ve been with. I’m tired of f***ing it up with us. I want to f*** it up with everyone else then hope you will love me again one day.” So I begged and pleaded some more. By the time spring break came around I had given up. Then of course he contacted me again. Trying to apologize. He got mad because I thought I didn’t tell him happy birthday but I did, he just didn’t get it. 2 weeks later he tried to contact me asking if I was going to a certain concert and who I was going with. He even logged on to my Instagram, made it public, and added himself back then messaged me so I would talk to him, deleted the conversation when we finished. This was mid April and I was thoroughly confused because he’s told me to move on, he’s moved on, he loves her, he doesn’t hurt anymore, to leave him alone. So I was trying to do that. He contacted me again on facebook at the end of April 2015 trying to convince me we were not meant to be together, of course I didn’t agree, we messages back and forth some then he stopped talking. I just left it alone. That was a Tuesday, the following saturday I got a friend request from him on facebook and realized that after our conversation he had deleted me as a friend. Every time we had a conversation on social media and he didn’t agree with what I had to say he deleted me so at this point I had changed my number and blocked him on everything but facebook. But after I realized he deleted me I blocked him on there too. Ok, so now it’s about a month since that happened. His girlfriend is all about him. I went to his little cousin’s baseball game this past Monday and his family was there but he was not. His aunt cried as did I when I had to leave. That night I text his mom just to see how school and everything went for him. Then he text my mom asking her to have me text him. I didn’t. Then he tried to turn it around that it was my fault. He said he tried to talk to me and would talk every time I wanted to but now I had him blocked on everything. Saying how he had been hurt too and all of that jazz. I still haven’t gotten ahold of him. If he’s moved on like he said why won’t he just let me be? I want to make amends with him because I realize all the hurt I caused. I know what to do better now, I just need to know if there’s a chance to get him back. There’s been a lot of damage but I honestly can forgive it all because I love him. He’s very stubborn and he’s saying never again. Someone please give me some advice on what to do. I want him back and a better us, I’m ready to grow up and get passed all this stupidity but it’s hard when he is being so stubborn. I need some coaching on what to do, is there any hope? He still told me he loved me on spring break, and always would, he just thinks we were no good and all I see is the good. HELP PLEASE, I know it’s messed up, but it can be better, I just need him to see that. I love him, I miss him, and I want to make us right. We used to be so good and distance, school, and stress got in the way.

    • You both need A LOT of time and growing up before it will ever be better between you.

      You can get him back, sure. Do what works every time — just leave him alone.

      I really wish you the best but if you keep chasing this guy, I see some painful years ahead of you.

      I don’t feel comfortable coaching you to get him back when you both have caused each other so much pain.

      I wish you healing, comfort + the knowledge that you can be happy without this guy.

      Good luck.

      • Thank you, we were happy, and adored each other. Then the distance and stress of school came in between us and we started tearing each other down instead of building each other up. He’s told me never again, that we weren’t worth it but I feel there was still something to fight for and build upon. I just can’t tell if what he has with her is genuine since I begged so much and pushed him away or if it’s not and he’s just in it because he has to be now. I know we seemed so messed up, and it was, but it wasn’t the not loving each other. I just need to know what to do.

      • I know it doesn’t seem like a good idea for us to get back together but I know If he weren’t so stubborn and could see that our past doesn’t have to equal our future we could be good like we once were. Please, give some pointers on what to do. I’ve tried all the wrong things and I’m terrified he’s gone. It’s been 8 months, they’ve been official 3 months. From October to January he still wanted me then he changed the moment she came into the picture. What do I do? :( I’ve loved him through the hardest times and I can’t imagine loving anyone else. I’ve been on many dates and out with a few guys, none of them feel like home. Please, at least give me some advice.

      • I am giving you advice. He’s in a new relationship and you have to let him be. When an ex tries to move on, it’s game over for a while. It’s not going to last with this girl because your ex has some major issues going on, so don’t worry about that. Eventually they’ll start fighting and he’ll compare her to you and very likely reach out to you. The more you leave this guy alone, the more he wants you (which is a problem all in itself but we’ll ignore that for now). So stop contacting him and try with all your might to reconnect with YOU and learn to soothe yourself.

        Getting back with him is not the answer to your problems. You should be focusing on fortifying yourself and getting stronger and calmer. Until you do, the relationships with others won’t work. It’s a hard lesson I had to learn in my twenties too.

        I know that’s not the advice you want but that is the advice you need. You’ll look back at this situation one day and wonder why you were so desperate for him. The desperation is an addiction and a sickness. It’s not actually love. Love feels nothing like what you’re feeling right now. Love would bless him and let him go if that’s what he wants.

      • Thank you for giving me advice. I really appreciate it because I’ve tried reaching out to people and they don’t ever actually give me anything helpful. I’m sorry I seem so scattered and emotional about the situation, I just can’t wrap my head around the whole him saying “I love you, I want you” then three days later telling me it’s too late. I know its been 5 months, but I’m just one of those people who likes to work things out and make things right and I just feel this isn’t right. That’s beside the point. I have one more question. He text my mom again two days ago. I had changed my number back in April so he couldn’t contact me (he was getting in contact about every two weeks but just hurt me more and would get mad and block me, unfollow, unfriend, etc. if I said something he didn’t like or he didn’t agree with). So I changed my number and blocked him on everything (I was tired of getting friend requests over and over when he decided he was done being mad at me or whatever). Anyway, he text my mom and asked “is this her new number”. He somehow managed to get it (said he just got it) and asked my mom if I was home and busy. Said he wanted to talk, wasn’t going to hurt me or be mean. Then he proceed to to text me and say “hey, it’s me, I don’t know if you still had my number. I don’t want to fight or get into it at all, I just want to talk.” I didn’t reply. Theb he text again saying “with that being said I guess I’ll start the conversation lol. How’ve you been?” I didn’t reply to that either. This was two days ago. He also told my mom to let him know when I was not busy so he wouldn’t wait up all night for a text he probably wasn’t going to get. Do I text him? It’s been a month. Or stay silent, this is the second time in a week-2 weeks he’s reached out to my mom. I just wish if he is truly moved in like he says he would leave me alone. I’m hesitant to talk to him because every time I do he finds away to hurt me, even if he doesn’t mean to. And honestly im kinda mad he did enough digging to figure out my new number (it was in my messages on my fb and I think he logged in to get it honestly). I know the situation seems immature, and it honestly is. But I’m trying to do what he told me to do, leave him alone and move on. However, every time I “leave him alone” he won’t leave me alone. I don’t know if he thinks we can be friends or what, but I already told him that wasn’t going to happen. I don’t know what he’s trying to be so nice, it doesn’t matter because the hurtful things are still there. And lastly, obviously I cut communication for a reason, why make an effort to get ahold of me knowing I didn’t want to talk.

        I do want him, but the guy he’s being is not the guy I know and I know he doesn’t want me (aaid a month ago). I’m tired of these little games he’s trying to play but when I try to talk about the serious problems and work some things out he gets mad and deletes me. Finally I got tired of it and blocked him, cut communication. He still finds a way to contact me, why?! I mean he says he’s supposedly moved on, if I was his gf and knew about this Id probably be mad, but I’m sure she doesn’t know, I get told to leave him alone and move on but he’s the one who can’t leave me alone.

        So after this long spill, should i even text him back or just leave him alone, since he’s made his choices?

      • You’re WAY WAY WAY too in your head. That said, it’s normal for where you are in the grief stages.

        So, he wants his cake and to eat it too (so do you). That’s why when you leave him alone he goes crazy, and when he leaves you alone you go crazy.

        I think you really need to pay attention to what YOU said, that he’s not being the guy you know. Therefore, you don’t want him (if you want someone he’s not being, that’s not actually wanting him — that’s wanting a fantasy in your head). So let go of this person, and focus more on what you want to feel in a relationship.

        There are billions of people in the world. The universe would not be so cruel as to only gift you with ONE person you can be happy with. You don’t have just one soulmate. You can be happy with someone else and you can be very happy alone. You honestly need to spend some time on your own for the time being and learn to like yourself again. When you like yourself, anyone can choose to walk away from you and while it might make you sad, it won’t destroy your world.

        Once your self esteem is restored, people of a higher caliber will be attracted to you and you can have a real, adult relationship. What you had with your ex was an addiction…high points followed by low points, mixed up with games. Sure, sometimes it worked, but you’re being VERY short-sighted about what a relationship can be if you’re thinking what you had with him was the best that it gets.

        I’m not saying you’ll never get back with your ex. My ex and I broke up and tried it again over a period of seven years. We were not adult enough to make it work until we were in our thirties. I had the chance to fall in love with several people in between relationships with my ex and my life is better for the experiences I had with those people. And when the timing was finally right, my ex and I made it work and now we’re married. So I’m not telling you to give up. I AM telling you that the universe, or whatever you believe in, is very clearly telling you that NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

        Letting go is the hardest lesson we learn in our lives. It’s also the most important. This is what your life is trying to teach you right now.

        My favorite quote by my favorite poet, Rilke, is: “We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”

        Obviously, I think you should leave him alone. You’ll have an opportunity for closure later if you want it (I promise). But you have to break the cycle of being addicted to him, which you are.

        My recommendation to you is to read the other comments on this post because I’ve answered your specific question several times before already, and many commenters have had success. It may comfort you to read them experiencing the healing process.

        Best of luck Cassie.

        -Jen

      • I PROMISE that it will all be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it. But I absolutely swear that you will look back and you will totally understand why this happened the way that it did. I’m rooting for you. ❤️

  25. Heeeey Jennifer I lost this website and had no idea of what this site was called or this post even until a fellow member on another site mentioned this site and all of a sudden the grey skies cleared and the sun beamed into my window 😂 I posted on this a while ago well a few months ago about my ex and your advice worked :D I got her back around February but she left me a few days later saying she felt too guilty about what she has done.

    Quick breakdown
    Been together for 2 years it became repetitive and also said she no longer had feelings for me she wanted excitement that we had lost so left me she went off and found a guy to have fun with she realised she made a mistake and that what we had was amazing she comes back to me 2 months later saying how she realized how much she actually loved me and missed me and how good we were together
    A few days later the guilt of what she had done to me and the way we were together were understandably different and she didn’t like the fact she changed us and the way we were and left me because she couldn’t do it any longer. She asked to be friends I thought okay because I could make her mind later down the line but then she tells me about how its a definite no that we would get together.

    I said I wanted nothing to do with her, I asked what her real reason was and she said she finds me perfect but something is missing and she wants her next boyfriend to be like me.

    I tell her to delete my number and she says that I can’t control what she does and asked me to just delete her off all the social sites since asking her to delete my number is pointless if I still have her on Facebook instagram Snapchat and so I did

    She then pranks me few days later at 2.30am in a drunk state basically saying Hi in a drunk voice and my ex was with a girl whose voice I recognized as her best friend. I then put the phone down. I was with a girl that I was really good friends with and so when my ex called me for the second time, my friend picked up and obviously since she picked up, my ex and her friend started sounding angry and confused as to why I am not talking and why the girl I am with is talking lol.

    She messages me the next day saying sorry for the call and that she knows I asked her to delete my number but she didn’t and then she went on to remind me that this was her in case I didn’t know.

    She still follows me on Instagram and likes my posts and I don’t understand why she is still following me and why she added my number on her new phone number

    I want her to feel the missing but it has been 2 months since I said bye basically

    She went on holiday a week after I told her goodbye which I feel helped cushion the goodbye because she enjoyed herself for 3 weeks

    She also wore a birthday outfit that I sent to her while we weren’t talking

    I don’t understand what she wants and I got told by a friend to delete all the pictures of me and her if I want to stop this aching feeling but I still hope to get back with her so deleting over 200 pictures and 30 videos of us over the span of 2 years hurts a little too much :/

    She misses me as a friend but I want her to miss what we had and miss me as her baby

    What do I do :/

    Just some extra information as well

    we had become a routine couple we just had no spontaneity and she even said that repetitive relationship become boring and I became what you basically said which was boring because whenever we would date we would go shopping or window shopping or go cinemas followed by going to a restaurant and eating.

    We very rarely did something out of the blue and during summer we would sometimes go to the park and just lay down or something

    Out of the 2 years we were together, she lived by herself for 9 months due to domestic problems which meant she needed someone to talk and confide in and I was that person which is why I think we lasted so long because she ignored the repetitive dates and admired the support 

    We are best friends in a relationship tbh.

    Once I have made these changes how can I go back into her life and show these changes if I have asked her to delete my number and ignored her and acted so stubborn to my decision of moving on from her?

    This was a section of our last conversation :/ could you just help me understand what this exactly means please?

    Me: you losing interest in me is the main thing
    Her: It’s not losing interest
    Her: Ah man
    Her: I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel shit about yourself
    Her: You’re perfect okay but that just isn’t what I need
    Me: because you no longer feel that love you don’t see the point in fighting the guilt off for someone you no longer love
    Her: I do but just not in that way
    Me: So I am perfect but not perfect for you
    Her: Yes
    Her: No
    Her: I don’t know
    Her: Yes you are perfect
    Her: Like you’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend
    Her: But for some reason its just not enough something’s just missing
    Her: But you’re perfect and everything about you is and its weird but I want my next boyfriend to be like you
    Me: good luck finding someone like me
    Me: this is what I mean
    Me: anyway while you’re struggling to find someone like me I’ll still be in love with you
    Her: Don’t say that okay
    Her: I just wish I could be. There now
    Her: I’m sorry.
    Me: well I’d show you the door
    Me: anyway thanks for being honest
    Her: No you wouldn’t
    Her: Its okay

    Thank you so much 

    • So when she says, “You’re perfect but something’s missing,” that usually means physical attraction is missing. Not to be too blunt, but how was your sex life?

      The rest of it just sounds like she’s a young, confused girl. I don’t know how to get her to miss you as more than a friend, that’s not really my speciality. My brand of advice comes via letting go and getting confident again, which usually attracts them back.

      • We didn’t have intercourse because she didn’t believe in sex before marriage tbh but we would always get intimate but the guy she met with after me she did say that their intimacy was better than ours when I asked her.

      • Intercourse isn’t necessary. What’s missing from your intimacy was passion. Women like to feel WANTED, lusted after, and owned by their men. Chances are, if your intimacy had become routine as your relationship did, passion is the thing she’s missing the most from you. And that is why she treats you as a friend and not as a soulmate.

      • I basically told her to delete my number as I am moving on and she refused to delete my number even confessed that she acknowledged that I asked her to delete my number but she chose not to. I deleted her off Facebook and SnapChat and in followed her on Instagram. How do I show her I still would love to be with her without bowing down to her when she needs to grow because I’ve made it clear I don’t want anything to do with her, so I can’t show her this passion

      • Read your comment again and tell ME how you think you could ever possibly do that. (You can’t.)

        I’m not an expert in bewitching exes. I teach people how to let go. If I were you, I would stop trying to convince her of anything and let her be free to experience the kind of intimacy that she wants. She may realize after some time that she doesn’t actually want it. Or it may be a deep need of hers and she may truly be better off without you. If you really loved her, you could accept that.

        A couple either has that passion or they don’t. You can’t artificially manufacture it.

        Nothing is working for you because you still haven’t accepted that it’s over. You still haven’t let her go in your mind. Until you’re able to do that, she’ll sense you’re playing games with her and won’t be attracted to you.

        You’ve resisted my advice from the beginning. I don’t have much more I can tell you that I haven’t already. I don’t think continuing to chase her will bring either of you any happiness. Why don’t you try letting her go?

      • I don’t why but I post and it goes :( its because first time I heeded your advice and it went exactly how you said it would :) she came back a month after and I was surprised but the fact she went again after coming back to me means I have to let go again and knowing that she came back last time I am having a hard time letting go again because at the back of my mind I’m expecting it to have the same outcome as last time which is her coming back which is why completely letting go of the idea of us getting back together is hard

      • Yep. I totally get it. But nevertheless, you still have to let go. By hanging on, you’re keeping the energy stuck. And that she left after coming back means you weren’t totally successful. I think you need to work on your self esteem a bit, because I’m sensing a bit of a desperate feeling from you about all of this. Which is repelling her from you for sure. You have to KNOW and TRUST on a deep level that you are worth it. Likewise, you have to really FEEL that if she doesn’t see your worth, that she is SERIOUSLY the wrong person for you! The right person will get it immediately!

      • Working on my self esteem is something I am beyond confused about building. I mean I could think I have a lot to offer but how do I genuinely believe it if that makes sense? Also how does she know like you said she can sense the mind games and the repelling low self esteem but if we aren’t conversing how can she even notice it?

        How did you finally let go? What did you go through that made you think you know what I can live a happy life without him without thinking and hoping st the back of your mind that you two can hopefully work out one day?

        Did you have that hope after you let go?

      • Well, if you don’t genuinely believe that you have a lot to offer on a deep, intuitive level, then you need to stop all tactics to get her back RIGHT NOW, as none of it will matter if you get her back and her self esteem is like this — she’ll run away again immediately.

        I know that your energy is repelling her because, simply put, I can sense your desperation through your words and it repels ME. (Honest to goodness, that’s the truth. I’m not judging you and I’m not going to go anywhere — this is very common in someone who has been broken up with, and I’m telling you because you need to understand the effect that your energy has on women.)

        How does she know? She can feel it. Do you want the science behind that? You’ll have to talk to someone who specializes in quantum physics and can talk to you about atomic entanglement between two people. If you want a good book on that, look up The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart — it’s a good, non-spiritual place to start. But TRUST ME when I say that she definitely knows, and she can sense your energy, and it is YOUR energy that is keeping her away.

        How did I finally let him go? I realized how low I had stooped to get him back and I was frankly extremely embarrassed. On my birthday a few years ago he told me all he could offer me was sex and for a couple of minutes, I considered it. Suddenly I saw myself from the outside and I was HUMILIATED. I wrote him back and said, “Sorry, I don’t do casual and please don’t even think about mentioning that to me ever again.” It killed me in the moment to say it because I thought I’d lose him forever, but I also needed to take a stand against how I was allowing myself to be treated. In the end, that small sentence allowed me to begin rebuilding my strength. It also made him respect me again and over time, once he sensed I had healed and was confident, he began to want me back as his partner and not as a casual hookup.

        Once I let go, I had no more hope. Truly. And it was beautiful, and so freeing. On the night of my birthday in the rain, I told a dear friend, “You know what? ‘The One’ would never treat me this way. I’m done. I’m never saying his name again.” And so I stopped saying his name and stopped talking about him completely. Now, that point took four months of almost zero contact to get to, but something inside of me just snapped that day. Humiliation will do that to you. Anyway, after about a week, I accepted a date with someone else and even though it felt weird, it was a good decision. On my second date with that person, we kissed and I realized that I could actually have feelings for someone else. (And C sensed that too, and suddenly started calling me all the time once he’d realized that he’d lost me.)

        Anyway, the rest is history. But to answer your question, I couldn’t get rid of the obsessive thoughts or the hope until the moment I was fully humiliated. And once I saw how low I’d gone, I realized that everything I was doing to get HIM back was killing ME. Also, it was COMPLETELY backfiring, repelling him further and further away.

        Only once I forgot about him did he want me again. It’s funny how life works that way. And that is truly why I wrote this blog that has so many comments now. I never wrote this as advice to try to help people get their exes back. I honestly don’t care if people get their exes back. What I DO care about is helping people let go of what no longer serves them so that they can be HAPPY. And oddly enough, once that happens, the ex usually comes back as a side result. My focus is not healing relationships between people…I want people to heal themselves. Once you heal YOU, Arjun, she may want you back (or not), but you won’t care anymore because YOU’LL feel complete, finally. And you’ll know that she’s not the only woman in the world who can make you happy. You’ll realize that you can be happy with someone else, or happy with her, or happy alone, but you won’t feel that emptiness pulling at you all the time. You’ll feel whole. And you’ll trust that no matter how circumstances play out, that you have the tools to make yourself happy. And truthfully, that is SO much more important than how to get your ex back. I hope you realize that and work on letting her go…because holding onto her is deeply hurting you.

        And that is my best advice. :)

        All the best to you —
        Jen

      • Yeah tbh right now I can say that the first time I got her back wasn’t because I let go tbh I kind of just gave up and just put it to the side and she knows she made a mistake by leaving me the first time and after finding out I loved her through a confession I made in a “before zero contact” video I had uploaded to Dropbox which I didn’t know she had access to because I changed the password, she came back and I was still the same guy, surely I put on my best outfit and I guess she could sense the old Arjun under the new clothes and while we were friends after she left me again, she must’ve noticed the desperation as you so rightfully put it.

        Nope I take no offense because it is thetruth and it may be blunt but I just have to use that to better myself.

        Did you ever just wonder if he had moved on like right now I don’t even know how to begin trying to move on as I have never been in this position before. She is my first gf. So moving onand getting iinto that mentality is the confusing part. I stay as distracted as possible surrounding myself with friends and family but at he end of the day my mind does wonder back to her and my thoughts lead to her. Is distracting even the right thing to do because if you distract the mind surely the mentality of hope will still remain right?

        I have been embarassed looking at how I have begged and pleaded and still been left alone not to mention the fact I feel so pathetic because of my state.

        When you decided to let go didn’t you still wonder what he was doing or if he was thinking about you?

        I am dedicating this week to get my sleeping pattern in check followed by making a list of all the improvements I aspire to make as well as physical changes such as gym and losing fat and growing my beard. Then other accomplishments such as passing my driving test. Does it sound like the right start lol?

        Another question assuming C did something wrong to end the relationship, whilst you had gone through the letting go phase, during which part does C try to fix himself up or rectify the wrong he has done?

        Thank you so much btw you have helped so much in allowing me to gain clarity of the situation. Sorry for all the questions :(

      • Yes, I wondered if he had moved on all the time. I was terrified of one of our mutual friends telling me he was dating someone new. And C and I did meet up at one point and he did tell me he had been on two dates. And while I had been on a date too, it still killed me a little bit.

        First love is always SO hard to get over. It’s the first deep wound. But this will make you stronger. Some day, you will actually be very grateful for this heartbreak. Heartbreak is the great equalizer; it makes all of us equal no matter where we come from or what we have. And for that reason, it can make you a very compassionate person. You will truly be kinder to people in your life now on because you’ve experienced this. It’s a tough price to pay, but man, the outcome is worth it.

        Once I had let go, I really let go. Like I keep telling you, something “snapped.” I got sick of myself. I was thoroughly humiliated. I couldn’t stand myself anymore. So before that, when I was simply trying to let go, sure…I wondered. But once I “snapped” and REALLY let go, no. I didn’t. And when he tried to come back, I didn’t want him back. And when he tried to kiss me, my body shrank from him. I was really able to give him up. And you will be able to do the same with your ex, once you get to that point. You haven’t experienced this before so it might feel like it will never happen. But I can promise you with total certainty that it will.

        I think your list of improvements is an EXCELLENT idea. I always go to the gym after a heartbreak; it’s such a great way to channel those difficult feelings. As you become physically stronger, you will become stronger emotionally as well.

        Don’t be sorry. :) You’re doing great. I SWEAR you will begin to feel MUCH MUCH better soon. I know it. :)

      • yeah I am already appreciative of this experience because had I not gone through this then I have no idea when I would have looked in the mirror and realized how truly pathetic I am in terms of handing tough situations by myself and I have also began evaluating and aspiring to do great things because of this so I can imagine how appreciative you must be from where you stand :).

        It does sound like an amazing feeling to experience so I can’t wait :)

        What can I do to try and get past this stage of letting go because my mind keeps wondering back to how we used to be and although it makes me smile I know just how bad it is to be reminiscing about those memories :/

        What made you want to take C back because if you were in that position to realise you deserve so much more than how you were being treated what made you want to go back to him?

        Have you both decided to ignore what had happened between the break up and the uniting or have you revealed it all to one another?

      • You are doing what you can to get past this stage. You’re asking for help. You’re working on yourself. That’s all you can do. Time is an element here. It will take as long as it takes. I know that sucks.

        I’ve answered why I took him back in detail in other comments. His grandmother died and to see him in such pain reawakened the love I had for him. But he and I were in a different situation. I’ve known C since I was 14. We’d been on and off for 7 years. I knew on a deep level very young that he was the person I wanted to share my life with. So learning to love him again after he was so sorry and working so hard on himself to be someone I deserved was very moving.

        No, we didn’t ignore it. I couldn’t! We went to counseling for six months and I made him go to counseling on his own. It took a year for me to trust him again. I don’t usually recommend getting an ex back because it’s honestly much more difficult than just moving on and meeting someone new.

      • Oh maaan I thought there would be a way to speed it up :( but what do you recommend I do when my mind wanders into thoughts of us :/

        That would tear me apart to see her lose a loved one and be distant :/ I actually thought about that earlier on and whether I would support her no matter what or if I would just let her be and obviously I chose the former.

        Was the trust lost because you needed to believe he wouldn’t leave you again?

        Well tbh with an ex you feel that strong with its no surprise you picked the hard path because like the famous saying goes

        If she is easy she won’t be worth it and if she’s worth it then it won’t be easy :)

        Well in your case he lol you’re an amazing woman :) wish you and C all the best :) he must be an amazing guy to be your perfect partner :)

      • Haha, you are speeding it up, don’t worry.

        Memories will come. You will think about her. It’s natural. It’s not bad to remember her fondly and to think of the happy times. What’s bad is when you assume that getting her back is the ONLY thing that can make you happy, because it’s not. Lots of new things are out there for you to experience and those things will make you happy.

        Yes, the trust was lost because of how he left (very suddenly). And I was afraid for a long time that if we became unhappy, that he would leave immediately. Even though I knew he hadn’t stopped loving me during the time we were apart, I had felt so abandoned and lost during those months and I didn’t think I could bear that feeling again. But you know? I needed to go through that. I’m WAY stronger now. And if he ever left for some reason, it would hurt, but I wouldn’t die. Not like the last time. Because I understand implicitly now that anyone who wants to walk out the door, should just go. I would never fight for someone to see my worth again. And because I feel that way on a deep level, our relationship is very different. I’m not needy or desperate anymore. I have my own life, and our life together. But the counseling REALLY helped because it instituted a way for us to talk through anything difficult.

        Thanks, Arjun. :) You’re a very kind, thoughtful person, and there is someone out there you’re going to be very happy with. First though, you’ve got to finish this process of learning to make yourself happy. And you will!

      • really :o speeding it up :s how so?

        Well tbh I’m not even thinking about it as much I just try to think of other thing and looking at trying to become a better person but I can’t deny that I do hope she comes back and that hope is what I’m having a hard time letting go off :/ want that snap to come asap tbh

        Woow that sounds amazing and yeah itddoesnow make sense to me when you describe why the trust was gone.

        I hope it all works out soon :/ its like eating a chilli lol nothing will make the spiciness go away you just have to go through it although some things ease the spiciness nothing truly makes the pain go away immediately but time. Wow look at that example 😏😏

    • Hi Jen just read your update and I did aceppt a few posts ago that I will no longer try to make her back when you discussed about how humiliated you were it does register with me because my mentality before was pathetic and I am trying to just focus on myself and make myself the best I can possible be but the only problem is letting go of hope because hope is something I have a lot of and I have no idea how to get rid of the hope :/

      • I just tried easing into the – try a new date even if you don’t fully feel like it but just try – concept and just tried flirting and knowing I had attracted a girl who was flirting back and wanted to be mine did make me feel like I can find happiness with girls other than my ex :)

        Idk why this created a seperate but this is the reply from before :/

        Really :o speeding it up :s how so?

        Well tbh I’m not even thinking about it as much I just try to think of other thing and looking at trying to become a better person but I can’t deny that I do hope she comes back and that hope is what I’m having a hard time letting go off :/ want that snap to come asap tbh

        Woow that sounds amazing and yeah itddoesnow make sense to me when you describe why the trust was gone.

        I hope it all works out soon :/ its like eating a chilli lol nothing will make the spiciness go away you just have to go through it although some things ease the spiciness nothing truly makes the pain go away immediately but time. Wow look at that example 

      • But in a way isn’t that still bad because I’m only feeling better because others find me attractive :/

        Oh okidokes yeah trying to just get that snap happening as soon as possible lol

      • Okidokes that makes sense :) can I post again after a while and let you know how it is going :S

  26. Sometimes, I feel like I must force myself to give him up completely, which funny because that’s how I’ll get him back(maybe),right? I do so well and then boom 💥, I am hit with a thought or memory of him…constantly wondering if he still cares and will come back. We have been separated almost 4 months now. I won’t lie, I cried and pleaded because of being emotional wreck. We were still hanging around one another and in contact which was a dangerous thing to do emotional wise…are chances likely ruined though??? Jen, did you do what women shouldn’t do after a breakup also? Crying,pleading, and angry at him, etc

    • Oh yes. I made every mistake in the book. I mentioned that in my post.

      If you pour all of your energy into fortifying yourself, you will eventually feel a “snap” and the sadness will relinquish its grip on you. Then, and only then, will he be able to feel there’s a difference in you and start to become curious about you again. The Catch-22 is that by the time that happens, you may not want him anymore.

      Either way, I promise that there IS relief from those strong obsessive thoughts. Be patient with yourself. I was still REALLY sad four months after our split too.

  27. Pingback: Small Life, Slow Life: I Honestly Don’t Care If You Get Your Ex Back. | small life, slow life

  28. Hi Jen,
    I was hoping you could offer some advice on having to deal with an ex in social settings. My ex broke up with me out of the blue right before Christmas after a little over two years together and I pretty much immediately cut off contact. The problem is that we are both in the same grad program and have the same circle of friends meaning I have to deal with seeing him on a regular basis. While I am much better than I was a few months ago, I’m finding it hard to completely let go when he is still present in my life. Each time I have to see him It still hurts, especially when he appears to be doing well. Advice on this would be much appreciated.

    • Hi Kate,

      Not a TON of advice I can offer here as that would be hard for anyone. Obviously limit your interaction as much as you can without it affecting your studies and know that he puts on an act in front of you to make it seem like he’s doing better than he really is. The good thing with a grad program is that it ends; my best friend married my ex’s brother so I had to avoid tons of outings where I normally would’ve been welcome. Be patient with yourself; it’ll get better.

      Jen

  29. Jen,
    I’m just stopping by to first thank you for sharing your experience and great outcomes! Secondly, I often look at others who post to and your replies to them and I must say I just love the attitude you carry and the advice you give back. I love the fact you mainly care about us all healing to improve ourselves and putting ourselves first. No, I have not not gotten my ex back. Would I love to have him back? Of course! BUT my happiness or life is not tied into him. I know I am a beautiful and bright individual with so much to offer. In time, someone on the same level as me will definitely cross my path.

    • This is so sweet. ❤️ Thank you for your kind words. And know that when you lost your ex, the person you lost first was you. Getting YOU back is my primary focus and the ex usually comes back along with that…though often once you have YOU back, you won’t want your ex anymore. You will absolutely meet someone on your wavelength who sees you as you really are — I have NO doubt. ❤️

  30. I can’t begin to explain how comforting I found your words. I would like to briefly explain my situation,
    I was with my ex gf for two years, for the final 9months I went through anxiety and depression massively and the distance between us grew until one day she ended it. Of course I begged cried pleaded Etc on and off for the first two months. Then I stopped initiating contact and left her alone. Every week without fail I would receive ‘I miss you’ texts , once she put her engagement ring on and sent me a picture of it .. Iv had ‘thinking of you’ and Iv had ‘been thinking what if..’ , I replied sometimes and didn’t others as it was very painful. Then on Monday she text and asked if I wanted to talk, she said she’d been listening to my voicemail (I left it a few weeks ago explaining why I was distant and that I understood why we ended because it forced me to work on the anxiety , I ended the voicemail saying that I’m fine now but that I missed her and would love to start again), and wanted to talk. That day she sent me links to some songs and said she misses me but everything with us is so hard. She said she was looking forward to seeing me and used pet names.
    We met the day after and I was reserved, we had a laugh and a catchup but she didn’t mention us or the breakup.. She spent the whole time with her leg pressed firmly against mine and smiled at me constantly , she was flirting a lot… So we said goodbye and she held me a long time before telling me that she misses me so much. After she left she called me and said she could smell me on her and how lovely it was to see me.
    Four days later, I have had a few good morning texts and I miss you and even an ‘I love you’ , she was meant to see me yesterday but she didn’t contact me, (she was going to pick something of hers up), so I messaged and asked and she said she ‘forgot and was very sorry’ . I flipped. I shouldnt have I know but you don’t forget someone when they are important. So I rang her this morning and asked her about our meeting and what she wanted to talk about , she said she wanted to ask why I couldn’t talk to her about my anxiety before and that her intention was not to lead me on!! She said that she isn’t in the right place to sort things out right now..
    This broke me, after the pain of the months apart to having false hope I was dead inside. I calmly said that I do not want her to contact me anymore and not to expect a reply. I said I wasn’t being rude but that she has made me feel very sad and confused me and that I don’t want to hear I miss you anymore.. She agreed and I hung up.
    I guess my question is did I ruin everything by expecting more.. Her contact was getting less and less up until yesterday after it being full on at the start of the week. I know she loves me like I love her and cannot understand why this all happened as Iv made so many changes since the split. I know she sees the changes.
    I just want to know that I did the right thing. That its ok to expect everything from her or nothing at all. I am going to really work on letting her go but I’m so scared that I won’t hear from her yet so scared of when I do because I can’t handle ‘I miss you’ and have no idea whether to ignore her or tell her to leave me alone!
    I’m sorry this is so long Iv never posted this before. It’s been 11 weeks since we broke up and until this week there has been limited contact.
    Thank you
    Claire

    • She said she loves you and misses you but got weird and distant after seeing you and you’re wondering if YOU did something wrong?

      With love in my heart I’m telling you to WAKE UP CLAIRE. She’s toying with your emotions and wants you when she can’t have you, and she does not, at least right now, love you the way you love her.

      You have a lot of healing and self esteem to gain and you’re not ready to be back with her yet. I can feel your anxiety through your words and you must heal that before you can be with her or anyone.

      Please read my most recent post on this blog and I really wish you quick + full healing. You can’t even consider rekindling things with her until you’ve had some more time on your own. Eleven weeks is not that long — I didn’t get my confidence back for six months!

      Once you restore yourself you’ll see clearly the games she’s playing and refuse to settle for that, from anyone, ever again.

      xoxo Jen

  31. I agree with you fully I know I’m weak but I swear I wasn’t before this week happened ! I was getting there and making plans . Did I do the right thing Jennifer? By telling her to leave me alone , I think I struggle because I can’t imagine why anyone would play games like that , I wanted to believe that she is genuine .. I just wanted to know that is done the right thing :-(

      • I loved the latest post and feel bad for asking you about this now because I see it’s not what your about. I’m sorry, I guess my lack of confidence meant I needed someone to confirm my actions were right and she is the one with the problem and not me. Thank you again and I apologise
        Claire

      • Don’t apologize. I remember all the days wondering if I did the right thing when interacting with my ex. Here’s the real secret: if YOU change, and focus solely on healing + getting your confidence back, she will change too. But you can’t be working on those things for HER; you have to want to work on them for YOU. It will take time, but it will happen. I believe in you!

      • I just read your part 2 article and your message to ‘L’ regarding how you moved on…
        I am going to read that every night and every morning and thank god I found your wonderful words. Thank you so much for being a giver and taking the time to help the lost souls of the world! Truly I am in awe of the attitude and strength you show in your words.. Thank you again Jen , I believe in me too and if two of us do then I’m going to hit the ground running,
        Claire xx

  32. Hi Jen,

    I just came across your blog and like so many others have found your story and words so inspiring. You sound like such a great
    person and I love reading all your life wisdoms and advice! I’d love to get your advice and opinion on my situation if you have time.

    Wishing you and C all of life’s best. Congratulations on your wedding.

    • Hi Lizzie,

      I’m no longer giving out my email address simply because I don’t have the time! I was recently promoted and I barely get time with my husband lately, and also I’m pretty bad at answering emails. Maybe send me a short synopsis as a comment here? And please know that most breakups are eerily similar…I definitely recommend reading all the comments that have come before AND the most recent post on the blog before asking me anything. The way I truly feel about breakups is the most recent post on the blog <3 I wish you luck! –Jen

      • Hi Jen,

        Thanks so much for getting back to me so quickly. And congratulations on the promotion at work. You know what I figured out after I messaged you? That I already have all the advice and I know exactly what I need to do to get my ex back. There is no magic formula or specific thing to say or do. All you can do is move on with your life and let it go just like you said. It’s odd how hearing strangers stories or advice helps you with what deep down you already know to be true. Time and perspective can really do amazing things. Thank you so much for your blog! I wish you all the best.

        Lizzie

      • You’re right and that’s exactly why I wrote this blog. When I was heartbroken and searching for answers on the Internet, I noticed every person who’d gotten their ex back had the same exact story: heartbreak, misery, letting go, gaining confidence, finding happiness…then, wham! The ex was back. There was so little deviation that it seemed almost weird. But you know what? That’s exactly how it happened for me too.

        Breakups happen for a reason. Even if the ex was being a huge jerk, we always play a part. Insecurity and codependency wreck an otherwise healthy relationship every.single.time. People can lose “the One” just by being m afraid to lose that person. The breakup happens as a beautiful opportunity to teach those of us who are weak and afraid that happiness is our birthright; it is not dependent upon ANY circumstances. It’s almost life’s way of saying, “Oh, you think you can’t be happy without that person? I beg to differ.”

        Breakups are the most beautiful teacher. I wrote this blog because it’s the letting go part that people have the most trouble with, but it is THE MOST NECESSARY STEP. Like trying to make an omelet without eggs, you can’t find happiness again without letting go! I’m glad you see this and I wish you SO MUCH good luck + super-speedy healing. You got this. All you have to look forward to is a joy unlike any you’ve ever experienced. That may bring your ex back, but if you do it right, that part won’t even matter to you. You’ll just be happy and happiness is enough!

        Xoxo Jen

  33. Hi, Jen!
    I commented on your other post about getting rid of your things. I was reading your comments on this post and I was just curious on what your opinion is.

    My ex and I’d split around 2 months ago. We had a wonderful relationship. He gave me a promise ring and everything. His family loved me and we were really in love.
    Things started to get hard from work and I wasn’t being the best girlfriend and got restless. One day, he told me he fell out of love with me. It hit me hard and we tried to work through it. It just didn’t work and he broke up with me.

    I was devastated but I’m not so much anymore. I don’t really care if he comes back or not, I know I deserve better. I am so much better than before. I’m just curious, is it really possible for him to fall out of love like that?

      • No, I don’t think it’s possible. He’d always told me he loved me and always will. His family cried to me on Thanksgiving and told me how much I’ve changed his life and theirs, they told me how much he loved me. He did everything he possibly could to make me happy; the love was real.

        I just don’t understand how he could say just he out of love like that. It’s been a month since I’ve spoke to him. The last message I sent him was that I had a good time in our relationship, I hope he is happy where ever he is, and that I do not wish to be his friend or anything. And that was it. He texted back wishing me well and I did not respond.

        It was hard for a long time, those were one of my darkest days. As of only recently (thanks to your blog), I feel like I’ve let go. I don’t keep wishing for us to reconcile or see it happening. I don’t get up with a heavy heart anymore and I’m finally excited for what’s to come, even without him in it.

        In the back of my mind, though. I can’t shake the feeling that he still loves me or that he is thinking about me. I just don’t feel the same about him anymore, he didn’t think I was worth it the day he let me go but somehow, I still feel as though we will connect one more time. And this feeling is annoying.

  34. My heart hurts so bad still seven months later I unfriended him on fb which made me cry I stopped talking to him completely. I couldn’t stand seeing him online it was too painful. I need for him to be out of my sight. I can’t stand seeing him. Need to move on.

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