Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)


I let him go.


I know too well what it’s like to be nursing a broken heart, thinking I’d do anything to get back with my former flame. I’ve thought of every tactic out there. Lonely months went by and I slimmed down to a ghostly version of my former, happy self.

I alienated my friends because the breakup was all I could talk about. “But he was The One!” I said to them, over and over.

My work performance suffered because I couldn’t stop the toxic spewing of negative crap from my mouth. I barely slept and became really destructive.

I told myself the myth that if he just came back to me, my whole life would be fixed.

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Heart on fire, ashes everywhere
— there’s no return from a red like that.


It took a long time to give up on him and realize that I was facing my life alone. But after so much misery and thinking I’d never be happy again, it dawned on me that the worst had already happened, and there was nothing else to lose.

Weirdly, there was a kind of freedom in that thought. It was a clean slate.

I realized I’d totally abandoned myself, and I decided to reclaim my life.


It was during an anti-gravity yoga class that I rocked in Savasana and saw C’s face float in front of my eyes. I looked at it for a long time and softly said “Goodbye.”

Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.

So I moved on. I did what they all tell you to do – I spent time with friends, I took up hobbies, I learned to enjoy taking up the whole bed as I slept alone. I spent mornings drinking coffee on my new balcony (instead of bemoaning that I’d had to get a new apartment by myself at age 31 when I thought I was going to be married by then). I exercised and cooked healthy foods for myself.

I tried things I would have never done before. I applied to speak at Beyond Luon. I learned to make kombucha. Eventually, I dated someone else. It took time, but I came back to life and reclaimed my life as my own.

And then, there he was.

After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)

Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?

Giving up.


Letting go.

Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.

And then, you know what happens?

That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.

(And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours to begin with.)

We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety.

So let it go. Stop thinking if you lose the weight, dress sexier, text him/her at 2am, that’ll work out. You’re missing the entire point.

As much as you can’t believe it, that person doesn’t even matter. You can be happy with someone else, eventually. And you can be very happy alone.

You are the one who matters.

Let nothing stand in the way of the happiness available to you at this exact moment.

Then go live your life and be prepared to be amazed.


EDIT | June 2, 2015:  This blog is so very often misinterpreted. So before you email me with your entire history with your ex, please read this first: Small Life, Slow Life: I Honestly Don’t Care If You Get Your Ex Back.

As many of you know, C is no longer “my ex.” We reunited in April of 2013, got engaged that September, and were married in August, 2014. :)

I had no idea when I wrote this post that it would create such an outpouring of love and questions from you readers. I am amazed everyday by all of you who so bravely and vulnerably share your stories with me here.

The comments per day keep growing, and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up it is impossible to keep up!

Please know that while I may not answer your specific comment in a timely fashion (I work full-time and am married!), that I still encourage you to share. Someone may read your comment and relate to you. It may create the healing that they need.

I am honored that this little corner on the internet has been able to provide some healing for you. And I’m sorry if I’m unable to answer your specific question. My first piece of advice is to read all the comments written back and forth before yours — you may find the answer you need in there.

If any part of you believes in the law of attraction, I also recommend reading this and regularly reading these. Both helped me immensely during my breakup.

I wish you quick and full healing.

I am so thankful to you. Love, Jen

588 thoughts on “Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)

  1. Hey jen
    My ex nd i were in a 5yrs relationship…
    We broke up 4months ago..i tried evrythng that they tell out there but in a wrong way i guess..i did nc for one month ..reached out to him then we texted little..then we had phone conversations…the contact was not regular..
    After one month i went to meet him..nd then it happened…all my emotions came back to me..i was still desperate but i thought i was ready to meet him and moved on..but it was the oposite…
    The next day i caled him nd talked about the relationship again…
    Nd he said the same thing that he loved me but was not in love with me so he just wants to be friends
    …it hurted me alot so i told him i cant be friends with him and that i will not call him anymore..he said i can call him anytime was worried about me not talking to him but i just said goodbye and also deleted him from fb and wished him luck for his futurw..he also wished me luck
    I dont really know if i did right or wrong..but it was jst hurting me that he was not feeling the way he used to feel anymore..
    I dont really think he cud ever luv me..he is a stubborn guy
    So i jst want to get my own life back..i gave evrythng to our relationship putting aside my dreams and desires..
    I just want to know how you handled to be so strong?

    • hey jen, my ex and i were together for 2 years and a half. we have broken up for a year and some months now. during that break up we was on and off unofficial but he tried to move on and ends up back. this time we was working on things and after a few months past he up and left by telling me move on and he will find someone else a week later he did.. would he come back?

    • Oh I wasn’t strong. I was so weak. I cried in the bathroom everyday at work for 6 weeks and was sad for four months straight. I lost 25 pounds and smoked cigarettes. I was so negative that no one wanted to be around me.

      I wasn’t strong. I was weak. Being weak is part of it.

      “The cure to pain is in the pain.” –Rumi

      Hang tight. You can do this and it WILL get better.

  2. Hi, my boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. 2 of those years were great but the last year was not as good. He decided that he had wanted some space so I gave him space. I’m very happy that he is making a better relationship with God and he really looks like he’s growing and maturing. (I was always the more mature one.) Of course it hurts me, but he still contacts me and we hang out but just as friends. We only broke up a little over a month ago after he decided he wanted to be single, nor just take a break. The reason for the break up is mostly outside influences. His friends, family, all mad that we spent too much time together. Neither of us had a problem with being together for long amounts of time until we began to fight because he felt he couldn’t be honest with me because I got angry at the truth sometimes. He still tells me he loves me and tries to kiss me and tells me I look good. I’m trying no contact now, starting today. (I was going to start yesterday but he called and I accidentally answered) I have not sent him any messages at all and the break up is still painful to me but what makes it easier is knowing that he is the one giving up a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. (Although I don’t think he’s giving me up forever) We have had so many experiences with one another and I don’t want to share that with anyone. We are each others first love and first serious relationship. I want to work past this and I have a feeling we can, but I’m not sure if I should implement no contact or remain there as a friend.

  3. Hello, my boyfriend left me because he lost feelings but apparently still care. He says it wasn’t my fault. we wanted to be friends but I’ve been begging and trying to figure what’s wrong for nearly a month. Made him repeat to explain which there isn’t any reasons. I went emotional and couldn’t accept it. I think he’s annoyed and not replying. Now I wonder if he still wants to be friend.. I am doing no contact now, is 2 months too long for no contact? Did I mess up? we were in LDR but text and talk everyday. Would the lost feelings come back?

    • Two months is not too long for no contact. Avoid contacting him until he says something first. And he will say something first. Work on healing yourself and letting go.

      As a side note, I don’t recommend long distance relationships. They’re romantic but if there isn’t an end in sight to the distance they often are doomed to the very pain you’re experiencing.

      • Thanks Jen for your reply.
        We were friends for 3 years, in the same city for a year and a half. Then one of us left but remained friends. Still see each other every few months. We got together 10 months later, and then we see each other every 6 weeks. In the first half a year everything was perfect. One time I went visit him and became grumpy for no reason. we didn’t talk for a whole day, then I left for 2 months. The month after I left we talked but not as loving as normal, then we had a talk and everything was good again. Spent nearly 2 months together later, and then I left again.
        After I left everything was normal we talked we texted, planned holidays. I wasn’t in a good mood one day then I started to complaint about him out of no reason. And the the next day we broke up. He said it wasn’t about me, he doubted his feelings since the last talk we had, he didn’t miss me when I left and didn’t look forward to see me. He didn’t feel right so he did what he thought was the right thing to do. After break up he felt relieved and said he didn’t regret. I think I put too much pressure on him that’s why he’s relieved..
        Does not missing mean doesn’t love anymore? Because the month before we broke up we texted, shared things, planning visiting each other everything seems fine. So I couldn’t understand what happened. Even planned to go somewhere together after 3 years moving in together. Does it mean he really doesn’t regret it or it’s just because he feels relived at the moment?

      • I really don’t know. I do know that long distance relationships rarely work. And if there were problems as far back as the day he was grumpy, it was a sign that things were already wrong. I’m sure he did love you, no one likes experiencing a breakup. But him being relieved means he thinks it was the right decision. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, it just means he doesn’t care ENOUGH to dig his heels in and make it work with you. And really, that’s all you need to know. If he’s not willing to fight for you, he’s not worth fighting for.

        You’ll be okay. Try to let him go.

  4. Jen,
    i sent him goodbye but i didnt say that i will contact him if i decide to..i jst said i cant be friends wid u and that i will miss him and wish him for his future..
    Will he ever contact me again with this msg?
    It will take time for me to stop thinking about him but jst for this moment i want your opinion on what u thnk??

    • I don’t know, Sri. I don’t like to guess about people I don’t know at all. I don’t know what the future will hold. Human beings in general need closure so if you have unfinished business he will likely contact you.

  5. Jen,

    Since my last comment I’ve had a major set back. My ex and I were in contact over the weekend over some money that I owe him and he was very demanding and rude about it. When I finally got the chance to get it to him he just disregarded it and didn’t reply.

    I also had asked him to admit to me that he was seeing someone else and that’s why it was so easy for him to let go. He said at the time that he ended things (a week ago) he wasn’t talking to anyone else but says that he is now interested in someone else but it’s nothing more than that. It took him a week to find interest in someone else.. I’m completely heart broken. The past three months he has been hot and cold but his actions always told me that he was still in love with me. The way he touched me and kissed me and loved on me. Everything seemed normal when it was good. Yesterday when he told me he was interested in someone else I asked what he had strung me along on and off for three months and he said “I was trying to find it back, but it just wasn’t there. I had lost a lot of feelings since our breakup but I never gave up until now.” But to me, he did give up. He said over and over that he didn’t want to be I a relationship with me. But we were committed to each other this past month, without a title and it really did feel like he still had feelings for me. I just don’t understand. His actions weren’t forced so in confused on how he just doesn’t feel anything anymore.

    I asked him how it was so easy to find interest in someone else, after only a week and he just said “I’ve been over us for the last three months, but I tried.”

    I hate this, so much. I haven’t gotten out of bed all weekend. Do you think he really didn’t feel anything for me the past three months? Do you think this is really that easy for him? If I give him space and never reach out to him anymore do you think he’ll ever be in contact with me again?

    We were together for almost two years and it sucks so much for him to say that the past three months he tried, but just wasn’t feeling it anymore. Because his actions said otherwise.
    He also always seemed like he had plans of us staying in touch. When we would go out to eat he’d say things like next time we come here in getting this. And next time you come over, blah blah blah. So it seems so impulsive that he just cuts me out and looks for interest in someone else so soon.

    I really need some insight and advice. :(

    • Also, we’ve been so in and off and said so many hurtful things that I feel like there’s NO hope of him ever contacting me again. He seems completely heartless and the opposite of who I thought he was.

      I really don’t know what to do anymore.
      This week he also texted me about the health of my dad and I ignored him until he just kept texting me and finally I gave him a really short and to the point reply. Because of that, I feel that he really does still care. And if he was over me, why would he be so pushy to get a reply?

      Have you ever seen people reconcile after so many things were said and everything just seemed way too far gone?

      • Hi Ashtyn :)

        As someone who had my heartbroken and came out the other side, I sometimes come back to this blog just to read the comments and remember what it felt like to be heartbroken. I know that sounds silly, but as I read the blog I am taken right back to who I was when I first found it and I can’t help but be grateful for who I have transformed into since then.

        I wanted to tell you this for two reasons:

        1. The pain will stop. I didn’t think it would, but now, a few months later, I need to come back to this blog to remember what it felt like and that says A LOT.

        2. Life gets SO MUCH BETTER. My ex did come back and while I thought he was ‘the one’ and was completely gutted when he left, I didn’t want him back. He didn’t fit into my new life and my new life was too beautiful to adapt it to fit him.

        Resisting is part of the process, and while I resisted it too, from the other side I can sympathize with Jen when she says it is frustrating to watch people holding onto hope because it’s the hope that keeps people from healing and getting to the place where the pain stops and new life begins.

        With that said though, I think the reason Jen’s blog is so popular is because it does offer hope and in the midst of a breakup, people need to sit awhile in denial. It’s through denial that people search “how to get your ex back” and land on Jen’s blog.

        And I’m glad they do, because thankfully, Jen’s blog is different. Her story attracts people who are grasping for hope, but tells them what they unknowingly need to hear: you HAVE to love yourself first.

        Ashtyn, please take Jen’s advice to heart. Wake up each day and ask yourself how you can make it the best day of your life. Be grateful for the people in your life, they are meant to be there and are meant to be loved by you. Remind yourself again and again that ‘rejection is protection’ and look forward to what is meant to walk into your life next. Nurture your physical body with good foods and warm baths and nurture your inner world with positive thoughts and acceptance.

        When your mind sways towards your ex, remember that if your ex was meant to be in your life, they would be. It’s harsh, but it’s true. Then, take a few deep breaths, recalibrate and put the focus back on you.

        You are so loved and there is SO much beauty ahead of you. I get tears in my eyes writing that because it is true.

        The pain will stop and life will get so much better. Let yourself work through this denial and remember Jen’s words, she knows what she is talking about.


      • No, I don’t think he was out of love with you for the last 3 months. No one is that good of an actor. But that almost doesn’t matter because that’s what he wants you to believe — which is almost as bad. Why do you think he’d say that? He wants you to believe it. He wants you to believe he’s interested in someone else.

        Yes, I’ve seen people reconcile after the worst things have been said. But that doesn’t even matter at this point in your journey because you’re resisting letting go. Not only do you need to let go, but he WANTS you to. All of his words are for the purpose of shaking you off. C said similar things to me in a phone call. I know how devastated you must feel.

        Forget about getting him back right now. Honestly I think about deleting this blog sometimes because people read this post for the wrong reasons and hold on to hope, which delays everything.

        1. You have to let go. There’s no way around it. “Let go, or be dragged.”
        2. You have to heal yourself and get stronger. Otherwise the next person will do this to you too.
        3. This is happening for a reason. The reason is that your life wants to to evolve.
        4. Even getting him back right now wouldn’t make you feel better. That’s a fantasy.
        5. To want you back, he must think he has lost you completely. You can’t fake that. It has to be real.
        6. When you become strong and happy enough that it won’t matter if he comes back, that is the moment he’ll come back. One doesn’t happen without the other. I’ve seen it too many times now.

        You said, “I really don’t know what to do anymore.” There’s nothing to do but to remove your ex from your life (social media, send his stuff back, all of it) and start to work on healing your pain. There’s nothing that can take the pain away from you now. Even him returning. So you might as well face it. “The cure to pain is in the pain.”

        I’m sorry this is happening, but it sounds like it’ll be for the better in the long run. This is something you need, and something he needs. It’ll be okay. You won’t believe me, but one day you’ll be thankful this happened. I promise.

      • Jen,

        You’re right, I am resisting letting go.
        I have read your comment over and over and over again hoping that it will become easier for me to let go.
        I want so bad to let go, because in all honesty I don’t want a relationship with the person that he has been recently and I don’t want to deal with the games that he’s been playing with me for the past three months. Do I want the person that i fell in love with back? ABSOLUTELY. But I’m not sure that I could trust that he wouldn’t walk out again or turn into this monster again. So yes, this is what i need and also what he needs. We need this time to get over each other and the relationship we once had. IF he does come back, we have work to do. But if he doesn’t I hope that I can be at peace with that.

        I want so bad for this to be over and I long for the day that I feel in my heart that I can be happy without him. I can’t wait to find myself again, and fall back in love with myself. It seems impossible at the moment because I feel like an absolute wreck and theres no fixing it. I hate that I have become so dependent on someone that has treated me so awfully and handled our breakup with such a lack of respect. I hate who i am right now and i can’t wait to be the happy, independent woman that I was when he found me. I know that he sees me as “tarnished goods” because of the wreck i have been throughout our whole breakup and thats probably what has pushed him so far away from me.

        I hope one day he sees that I’m stronger and not the product of the mess he created.

        …and i can’t wait for him to see that I’m capable of being strong and not this mess that he’s created.

        I just ran around my house collecting anything and everything that linked me to him, put it all together and packed it away in the basement.

        I want to thank you for creating this blog. I have read it all over and over and over again and envy your happiness now. I hope that I too can gain the same acceptance for myself and gain strength from all of this.

        Id be lying if i said that I wasn’t excited for the day that he feels sorry for the way he has treated me and tries to re-enter my life. Will I still want him back then, I have no idea.. i hope by then I’m happy again and have found my strength back.

        Thank you for everything,

      • Sorry..

        I know I have told you this before, I think. But Halloween weekend, just two weeks ago, we reached our peak since we had broken up. At that point I really thought we were going to work things out. He was proving to me that he was committed to me and assuring me that I was the only girl in his life. Now this.. I really am at a loss for words.

        Do you think this is all a game? The way he’s acted just a couple weeks ago to now telling me that he had fallen out of love with me three months ago and now he’s interested in someone else.
        I know he’s going to contact me this week about getting the money that I owe him from me. How should I handle that? Yesterday he was out right rude to me because I couldn’t get it to him the moment he needed it. And then I finally told him I was home and he could come get it he just didn’t reply.. I don’t know how to handle seeing him. I never know what to expect from him. I sincerely just want him to be sorry for his actions and know what he’s lost.

      • Mail him the money. Eliminate the possibility of seeing him.

        You’re putting too much trust in me. Part of you getting stronger, Ashlee, is you learning to trust YOU and what your gut feeling is saying.

        Do I think it’s all a game? It doesn’t matter. What do I know? I haven’t met either of you. What do YOU think and what does YOUR gut tell you to do?

        The answer is there; you’re just not listening.

      • @Sara
        I am also one of those who comes here to read this post again and again and reading all these Comments to remember how beautiful it is to be in selflove and enjoying the moments beyond the stressful daily life!
        god bless you and your words …
        this blog and all the friends here were such a bless to me
        love you all
        have a nice day

  6. have seen all of the comments…read all of the posts and they are pretty great. Not only did I lose my fiancé, but in the same week (2 weeks ago) I found out my father was dying, my dear friend killed himself (killed himself over my girlfriend leaving him), I got into a car wreck and just about lost everything. I went from having it all to barely having a job. The following week, my mother said I could stay with her for a few days (this is rare). Yesterday a pipe burst froze the entire home and I am now homeless lol. Sooo…yes I reached out to my ex. It was an emergency and he used to be a plumber. As the water was gushing out into my poor mothers home, it was the only person that I knew was a true expert and would answer their phone.I didn’t play victim and it was truly just to get advice on what to do. Anyways, all of my small problems aside I still dearly love this man. We were together for 2 years and he is the most stubborn person I know. I want him back, but I will not sacrifice my self respect and thanks to this post once I get the final items from his house next week, I am vowing to you guys not to contact him again. I broke down last night one last time and texted him begging for one last chance and that is the last. He said he misses me very much, will always love me but needs to sort things out. He then said he would love to be friends and play it by ear. I know in my heart from past relationships that I cannot be friends. It never works and I will constantly be trying to prove that I am good enough. Today I am going to look at an apartment, I still have my amazing job, I have people that care about me, God, church and lots of life to live. I am now making a promise to all of you that on November 18th, will be my last conversation or contact with him. He has to be at a place where he sees my value and that I am not waiting around. My question is whether I should state I will no longer be in contact with him and that I am letting go and moving on, or should I just start the nc without saying anything? I am changing my number after that and deleting him from my life forever in my mind. Hoping that he will come back will only drag my hurt through the mud and I deserve more.I pray for each of you going through this…our exes make us feel so small, or we allow ourselves to think that because of the situations. None of us are perfect & we all need to not only work on ourselves and be the best that we can be, but we also need people that will accept us at our worst. God Bless you guys and You JEN for helping us all through this very difficult time in our lives:)

    • Wow, you’re going through a real upheaval in your life! I really feel for you. Sometimes it all happens at once like that. I don’t know why.

      I don’t think you need to tell him you’re not contacting him. You know why? Because it implies you’re hoping that he’ll try to stop you. That you removing yourself will make him change his mind. But the thing is that he already left you. You’ve already been removed. You already begged. If he was going to change his mind, he would’ve done it already. I think it’ll be more powerful if a few months down the line, he goes to call you and your number is changed. He will get at that moment that he’s really lost you, it will create curiosity about why you’ve done that, and it will help things along. But if you SAY you’re doing all of these things beforehand, it just looks like a cheap ploy and a tactic. Don’t do that.

      Yeah, I don’t think our exes make us feel small. I think we felt small to begin with and we were using the relationship to make us feel better. Whenever we’re on a shaky foundation like that, life has a way of crumbling it and encouraging us to build anew. So now it’s your time to build. It’s painful but it will be beautiful. You will love your new apartment. I was homeless because I lived with my ex so when we broke up, I lost him and my home. The apartment I got after our breakup still holds such a special place in my heart because I totally healed inside of it. I miss that apartment. :) Your new apartment will become very special to you!

      You’re strong. You’ll get through this!

  7. Update….Best friend called to say she just got engaged today. A mutual friend got married tonight spontaneously and they decided to invite him not me. I am trying my best to get out…I have started going to every event I am invited to, but I am surrounded by couples making plans and planning trips and baby’s. I am literally losing it and this pain sucks. Going out to events is almost more painful than just sitting on the couch with movies and shutting down my brain. The stress of having to support my family members financially while I can barely keep myself going is almost getting to be too much. I know I am complaining, I am just in a really dark place. When the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with says you are of no value to them…well it has broken me. The last time I spoke with him, he offered to help me buy a ticket to leave. He would rather I not even be in the same state as him. We did fight from time to time, but I was never mean, never yelled, never demanded things, supported myself, worked hard and also loved and worked on us. Everything is just getting to be so much. I know I have it sooo good and am so very blessed. I know that I am good hard working beautiful person, but my soul is crushed. I wish more than anything I could leave, but I cannot leave my job, which is the only thing I have left at the moment. Asking people to share their couches from one night to the next has knocked down any pride i have left and the apartment I though I had fell through. Doing everything i can to get into a place. I just want the pain to end…I no longer sleep. Cannot afford a therapist. I’m losing myself.

    • I’ve been there. All of it. Couch surfing, lost, broken, bitter…I’ve been there. You’ll get yourself back. As pointless as it feels, this is a very necessary part of the process. It’s okay if you’re negative right now. ❤️ It really will be okay. I swear.

      • Well, after scrolling through our pictures and before deleting them I realized one thing….I will never again date a man that looks happier in a picture holding a fish then with me….never made sense and it finally hit me hard. Funny, but true, the next man I date and the man I will marry will not be standing next to me like I am a stranger, but will have his arms wrapped around me an a big smile on his face. When this happens, I will send you the picture Jen:) Thank you for being here for all of us!

  8. Update – He is dating someone new. Already traveled with her. He has this thing with traveling. When he travels he either know he wants to be with the person or not. He knows. I sent him a note and he replied that he is dating someone and i will always have a special part of his heart and that he will pray for me to find the love of my life. He is said it with such calmness, I know he is a different person. Different than when he was cold. I preferred the coldness because that showed that it was hard for him also.

    I attempted to write him a long email about not losing each other. No response.

    It kills me that he can be with someone else. It hurts that he is so happy with her. He already introduced her to his mom. His mom is no longer communicating with me like we used to. She said that I will always be in her heart. It’s like I am dead to all of them.

    It’s over – my soul is broken. I am so anxious inside and so sad and so mad. I feel like I lost the one person I want to be with. I don’t understand how one person can be so in love and the other already moved on. It doesn’t make sense to me. I am in so much pain.

    I am trying everything. The no contact only pushed him away, out of sight out of mind. The law of attraction is not working because I can’t stop crying. I see negative signs every single time I pray. I try to pray with such optimism and the signs are awful. I used to get positive signs during our breakup. This time they are all negative. I took the advice to think that I lost everything there is nothing else to lose. But it just makes it worse.

    I don’t think that letting go will bring the ex back in all situations. Every situation is different.

    I am worse now than I was before. It’s so painful. I am thinking of every single way to keep him in my life instead of losing him. That tiny bit of hope left or whatever it is. That tiny bit of memories he still has or still maybe remembers.. I want to just remind him and think of anything to get him back in my arms.

    • I never said letting go would bring them back. I said that you need to let go either way. And if he doesn’t come back after you’ve let go, then it wasn’t right to begin with.

      I’ve been there. I know how hard this is. The anger, the hopelessness, the pain, the despair. This is rock bottom. And though you don’t believe me now, this rock bottom will set you free and you truly will only go up. It will feel slow. You won’t trust me. You won’t trust love. And then one day, 3-6 months from now…maybe even sooner, there it’ll be.

      But I know this part. I know it well. I do.

      I’m here, HH. ❤️ He may not be, but I am.

  9. Thank you..

    I keep asking myself, do I let go and regret it later if he marries someone else or keep trying every possible thing. Out of sight out of mind. When you truly want something, you don’t give up. Or is this pushing him away. My mind is playing games.

    I think even after you let go, you still feel the emptiness of that person not in your life.

      • Well, think about it. When he was first attracted to you, you were probably very happy, self sufficient and confident. Now, the more that you plead for him, your happiness level has dropped to zero. And this is going to sound harsh, but when you beg for someone (whether it’s a man begging for a woman or a woman begging for a man), you become kind of pathetic in their eyes. A strong woman would keep her dignity and wish her ex the best. The more you try to interfere with his new relationship, the more he’s going to pity you and think that you’re crazy.

        I’ve said this before, but you’re resisting the letting go part. You need to read this actual blog post again. Whether he will ever talk to you again or not, this relationship it’s over. Even for people who get their exes back, the relationship is OVER and must be let go. To cling and plead only increases your misery, as he will reject you over and over.

        The only chance you have, in any situation, is to turn your focus off of him and onto you. Perhaps, one day, when it doesn’t work out with this girl, he may revisit you to find a strong, beautiful, healed woman. That’s what happened with me. Then the attraction can be relit.

        But even if he doesn’t, you’ll win, because you’ll BE that strong, beautiful, healed woman. Whereas even if he dropped this new girl and came back to you right now, you’d stay broken. Could you trust him if he came back right now? Could you forgive him? You THINK you could, but you couldn’t. No way.

        It’s over, babe. Refusing to face it is only going to cause more pain. Trying to convince him is only going to further decrease your value in his eyes. Have some dignity. He’s gone.

        The person who is drowning that you need to save is not your relationship, but just you. You need to pull yourself out of the water now.

      • My main focus now is to work myself back to being strong and confident. Gosh it’s hard…
        I will try to do the affirmations only once a day and see how that goes. I don’t want to lose focus on both of these things. I feel like if I don’t do the affirmations, the universe will not respond on it. But then again, maybe my thoughts are misconstrued and blurry.

      • Thanks for the recommendation. I read some of the reviews – seems like it will help with the moving on process, loving yourself more, confidence, being open to dating, etc. The author did however get a divorce :( so most of the one/two star reviews were focusing on that. But for the most part it had great ratings.

      • Yep, she did get a divorce. But for your specific process right now, the written exercises will definitely help you.

        Remember (like the LOA link I posted in the actual blog post), attracting an ex back is not the same as keeping a relationship. Most of the errors don’t happen in the attraction process; they occur during the actual relationship. You need to work on increasing your self esteem more than you need to work on having positive affirmations about your ex.

      • would you say you can let go of your ex and concentrate on LOA and positive affirmations about the ex at the same time? I read an article that you can do both by letting go, not focusing on the negative and then taking time to meditate and then moving on again with your life. what are your thoughts?

        Based on your answer, you let go without positive affirmations around the ex but more in general.

      • I did that for a while, I probably read the same article haha. But I found I couldn’t focus on him without missing him. I read the book “Calling in the One” and doing those exercises without a specific person in mind not only attracted my ex back but attracted a new guy. I had a wonderful, albeit short, relationship with the new guy and it ended up healing me so much. So I can’t say what will work for you. For me, letting go of him completely and just focusing on the love I wanted to feel is what was most effective.

      • Everything you’re saying is true, I wish it just sank in. Here we go again, day by day. Feels like I am starting the healing all over again.

        Silly question – When you started praying for “C or someone better” – did you do this on your birthday after you let go? Or did you try to start before?

        Up until now, I couldn’t say someone better, I froze.

      • I started to let go on my bday. I sat in the rain and thought, “The One wouldn’t treat me like this. Thus, he can’t be The One. So I need to let go.” That’s when I stopped saying his name and when I felt lonely, I asked the Universe for love that would be as good, or better.

    • I prayed for a sign last night… if there’s light that I will be with him again. Today I went to the mall and saw him holding hands, with shopping bags with his new girlfriend. I was shaking, my heart dropped. He saw me, and looked away, pretended not to see me. My sign. Not the sign I wanted. I am beyond devastated. My heart hurts. I don’t understand how life works.

      • Jen – I am in disbelief. He has a heart? He called me now, I didn’t pick up. Another heart drop. He didn’t leave a message. Another sign? As much as I know him, he will not call me again. Just an update…

      • It was definitely a sign…a sign that it’s time to let go, like I’ve been saying all along. <3 Almost ALL rebound relationships fail, so while he might've looked happy yesterday, it's doomed not to last. I'm not saying that to give you up, because you DO need to give up for now, like I've been telling you for a long time! It doesn't mean it's hopeless forever (how many people in the world have tried to move on and have only ended up back together six months or a year down the road? A TON), it just means that it's hopeless RIGHT NOW. Take your focus off of him and onto yourself. Keep praying for a sign and life is going to keep hurting you because you're not listening.

      • I am in a state of shock. How can he replace me and be with someone else? I can’t possibly be the love of his life, if he wants to replace me.

  10. In midst of my crying while re-reading your response. this is what I am thinking…
    You are very special. And to take the time to read and to reply to everyones comments is amazing. And you’ve been doing it for years… This amazes me. Takes a very kind person, with a big heart.

    • It’s only because I’ve been through it, and remember the physicality of that ache in the chest, that I answer everyone. That’s all. That unbearable feeling. I promised myself if I was ever healed that I would 1. Tell people how I did it and 2. Answer everyone who asked me how. I never wanted anyone else to feel as alone and left for dead as I did.

      It will be okay. ❤️

      “You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and gosh darn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.”
      –Elizabeth Taylor

  11. Jen,

    I’ve commented on here a lot recently but all of a sudden during this week I’ve slowly felt myself getting better.

    Like I said, my ex is “interested in someone else” and I have unfollowed him from every social media two weeks ago. He was still following me on Instagram up until this week when I saw that he had unfollowed me. This week he had also texted me Monday-Wednesday about random things. From getting his clothes back to “needing help with a friend”. I gave him short replies and quickly ended the conversation.

    I have felt guilty for being very cold to him and not giving him much of a response..but he has hurt me with his hot and cold attitude and it’s hard not to be upset. Should I be giving him more of a response when he texts me about random things so that I don’t come off as a bitch, or should I continue with my cold, short responses?

    Then again I have heard that he’s acting completely different on Twitter and keeps changing his profile picture and has done a lot of things for attention.. and being a hypocrite saying its a shame that dating has turned into a friends with benefits kinda of thing…. But that’s exactly what he did to me for three months.

    I don’t feel like he actually has someone else. He may be interested in someone else and trying really hard to move on and forget about me and that’s bothering me.

    I’ve been ALOT happier this week and snap out of my sad moods a lot easier. I’m starting to feel like myself again.

    My question is: I have sort of forgot what it feels like to be “his”.. If that makes sense… Even though the last time I felt like his was just this Halloween weekend. I feel as if I don’t even know him anymore and that sort of scares me. Like I’ve lost feelings for him because of what he has acted like lately. I’ve alllllways seen myself being in love with him for the rest of my life and it scares me that he doesn’t feel like the guy that I fell in love with to me anymore. Is that normal or did you ever feel like that with C?

    • That’s very normal and I did feel like that with C. And when C and I got back together it felt even weirder, because it had been so long, things were different, and I had totally forgotten what it had felt like to be his. The truth is that it’ll never feel the same, whether you eventually try to reconcile with your ex in the future or not. The relationship you had is dead, and if you explore getting back together in the future, it will be a brand new, totally different relationship. And that will feel odd at times.

      Your ex is immature and he’s trying to get YOUR attention. Do you see how, even though you’re not following him, people are telling you what he’s doing on social media? That’s not an accident; he’s hoping it’ll get back to you and/or the other girl. Men who are attention-seekers always are a red flag for me. A good man can be good without anyone else needing to see it…he can validate himself. This guy has a lot of growing to do ahead of him. What concerns me about your ex is the repeated bad behavior. I would continue to stay away as you get stronger. You will be able to fall deeply in love with someone who is more kind and stable, trust me! If you can get through this yucky part, you have a bright future ahead.

      What I’m hearing in your comment that I’m glad about is that you had a good week and you’re beginning to feel like yourself here and there again. Those weeks are the best. Don’t be discouraged if you have a couple of setbacks; all growth is in a jagged line (you go up, you go a little back down, you go further up, a little back down, further up). You might have a day or two where you feel sad but the important thing is that you can get through those days now because you’ve been through worse.

      • Thank you Jen. Your quick replies seriously mean so so much to me.

        I’m proud of my progress and I think the fact that he’s changed so much and treated me so horribly during our breakup is what’s made it 2% easier. It’s been a huge shock because he was NEVER an attention seeker, never cared about what anyone thought about him, and never was the type to randomly hook up with girls. He literally was AMAZING the first year we were together. BUT He’s a freshman in college now though… And on the baseball team with multiple other single guys.

        I guess the part that I struggle the most within myself is wanting him to go through the same hurt I am and wanting him to be sorry for what he’s done to me the past few months.

        It seems cruel, and I KNOW that’s probably the opposite of letting go.. But it doesn’t seem fair that I’m the one hurting and he’s gotten to move on so easily. Did you ever feel like that at all?

      • Yes, very normal, I felt like that too. But eventually once some time had passed, I was grateful that he had loved me and I just wanted him to be happy. That’s the forgiveness part and it can take a long time to come, but it will come. One day, you will realize that the cruel things he did were because he is damaged inside, and all you will wish him is healing. It seems far-fetched but it will happen.

      • I really do want him happy again, but I want him to stop acting in this heinous way. Even if he does find someone else I want him to attract her being himself. It hurts me a lot to know that he’s working really really hard for some other girls attention. And he’s working so hard for her that he’s not even acting like himself. He seems so so desperate.

        At this point I just want to be that girl. I want him to work that hard for my attention and to want me back.

        In our relationship he was always the one with a lot of friends and going out a lot. I had sort of went through a party phase in high school, beefier I met him, and really settled down when I met him. Since our breakup and for that month (October) that he wanted to “work on things” but didn’t want a relationship with me, he always referred to me as “miss popular” in a sarcastic tone. I joined a sorority, got really busy and started going out with my friends a lot. He got jealous and noticed a lot of guys Flirting with me, even his baseball friends. Could that be a reason why he kept backing away?

        I can’t help but ask myself if this is something I did. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out so much.. Maybe I should have continued to be the introverted girl that I turned into. And MAYBE then we would have worked out.

        Do you think him trying to get another girls attention and him changing so much is a phase or just part of him coping with our breakup? He seems so fine with how everything ended.

      • Also, judging by his twitter it doesn’t seem like he’s making much progress with this new girl. I’m not even sure who she is but his tweets seem like she has turned him down and he’s discouraged about something.

        I’ve been really uneasy all day and keep looking at his social media.
        this has definitely been a set back, and i feel like he has all the power, because he is happier than I am at the moment.

        How is it possible that he has gotten to completely bypass the pain of our breakup and direct all of his attention onto getting someone else attention?

      • He didn’t bypass the pain; he’s just distracting himself. It’ll get to him eventually. As to your other comment, I don’t know if it’s a phase. I don’t like to speculate on what exes are thinking. He’s not my concern. Try to get out of his head and into your own.

  12. Hey jen,
    I jst wanted to ask u a small questn
    I deleted my ex from fb and unfollwed him frm evrywhere..deleted his no..but shud i block him from fb?? I just deleted him??

  13. Hi Jen,

    I hope this message gets to you. Your story is so inspiring. I’m going through something similar. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years… I’m almost 24 and he just turned 27.

    He broke up with me 2 weeks ago saying that he loves me but the ‘spark’ is gone, that “something is missing” between us that used to be there. We fell into a snag in our relationship the last few months where I was being a bit distant, low libido, etc. He said that during this period “something got lost along the way” and that he’s just not ‘clicking’ that way with me anymore. He says he loves me and cares about me deeply, but his love for me is like the love for a family member, or someone you want to hold and protect. But that ‘other dimension’ is missing for him that was once there.

    He’s essentially trying to express that he’s “out of love” with me. This shattered my world. The first week I was paralyzed in bed and couldn’t eat. Tomorrow is the 2-week mark and I still cry all the time. We saw each other last night for a sort of final good bye, his eyes were swollen from crying (and he’s a tough guy!) he told me he read tonnes of articles over the weekend about why he’s feeling the way he feels, this loss of attraction, loss of spark, etc. He told me he loves me deeply and is attached to me but he needs to move on. I asked him if he might come back to me…and he said he didn’t know but that right now this is what he needs to do and to “leave it to fate.” I could tell he was hurting too and that it killed him to let me go.

    I am trying to resist the urge to text him, but the mornings are SO hard. The breakup hits me anew all over again every time I wake up and I despair and text him. I want him back so badly… unlike my others I know who have dated jerks, he was the absolute best person I know, so honest, giving, loyal, etc. We had a beautiful, loving, tender, funny relationship. We seriously did, we just fell into a lull where the intimacy was gone and as time went on, the light went out in his heart.

    I miss him so much, Jen. I want him back, us back, I really do. I can’t let go of the hope that maybe he’ll have some kind of epiphany and come back.

    Any feedback is so appreciated.

    With love xx

    • I forgot to add: I’ve been texting him with things like “I miss you and hope with time you’ll rediscover your feelings for me…you mean everything to me and i hope you don’t give up” and other texts along those lines. Which I know are not helping.

      • Definitely doesn’t help. My recommendation is to read through the 500+ comments on this blog, plus my other posts. I don’t strategize on how to get exes back; I talk about how to heal yourself after a breakup. But a good rule of thumb is that for him to want you back, he must feel he has completely lost you. While you’re still hanging on and texting that you miss him, that won’t happen.

        You also lost libido (your attraction) to him during your relationship. The good news is that attraction can be rekindled. What you need to know is that attraction has to be maintained. You can’t become too much like good friends in your relationships. You are lovers first.

        I think everything will be okay if you learn to pull back and just face that at this point, it’s over. He sounds conflicted as well. Pull back and leave him alone. Let him miss you.

        Good luck!

  14. Hi Jen,

    I am very grateful that i stumbled upon your blog. The guy that I was dating in chicago just told me that he doesnt wanna be with me anymore because i was harassing him.

    I am heartbroken and have lost so much weight and have been drinking all day. He blocked me on all social media and phone.

    I don’t know what to do.

    • Hi Isabel,

      The hardest part is that there’s nothing to do except just face the grief and sadness one day at a time. I know that’s not what you want to hear (I didn’t either), but that’s the truth. There’s no side-stepping the pain; the only way out of it is through it.
      You do need to take better care of yourself, though. Stop drinking, that’ll only make you more irrational and depressed. <3 You don't deserve that.

  15. Jen, thanks for your feedback, I feel like I’m talking to a celebrity hehe! <3
    Sorry, for some reason I can't reply back to your post directly, the icon isn't there.

    You mentioned that he seems conflicted, but I really don't think so to be honest, I just think he's mourning this as well. He seems very confident that this break up is what he wants and has told me to move forward because that's the direction in which he's going. It hurts him bc he loves me but he simply no longer "loves me in THAT" way anymore. I don't know how to be angry with him, because he didn't do anything wrong. What hurts is that right now, I see him as some kind of effing demi-god.

    How do I face the fact that it's truly over? How do I let him go? My thoughts constantly oscillate between "Don't worry Eva, he'll come back, he'll rediscover his feelings for you with time and space…" and then I feel this wave of relief for a while until my thoughts revert to back "Fuck. It's over. It's really over and I will never be in his arms again." and the despair sets back in thickly.

    I just keep hoping that somewhere along the way he'll rediscovers his feelings for me…I just don't see it happening, I've read online and they say "once they're out of love, that's it. " and the weight of the grief is like an anvil on my chest.

    Thoughts? <3

  16. Jen,

    It’s me.. Yet again. I find comfort in commenting on this and look forward to your replies because I feel like you know just what to say to help me get my shit together.

    I’ve hit a rough patch lately. I thought I was getting better better but I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot. I’m on thanksgiving break and home from college so that could be why. I’m not crying anymore though, I feel as if I’m all cried out now.

    I keep finding myself missing every part of spending time with him. I’m still looking at his social media and it is hurting me with how desperate he seems.

    ALSO, He keeps deleting more and more pictures of us off of his Instagram… Although it seems as if he’s kept all of my favorites with the most important captions. That still reallllly really hurts me.

    I know I should be letting go, and I really really am trying. But I still have hope, that he has hope.. if that makes sense. I’m terrified of NEVER hearing from him again.

    He’s come back every time but I’m terrified that he really just doesn’t care this time.

    I’ve been trying to get out more and have been. I’ve been to petland playing with puppies, listening to music, writing in a journal, crocheting, and watching Netflix. I still have a long week ahead of me.. I miss him so much with it being the holidays and I can’t help but hope that he feels the same.

    I know you hate to speculate on ex’s but why would he keep deleting pictures of us off of his Instagram but keep some of them?

    Any advice to get me over this hump would help me at this point. <3

    • Hi Ashlee,

      I adore you, but I’m not going to help you speculate because it doesn’t help you. I don’t know why he’s doing it. You know him much better than I could ever hope to.

      It’s thanksgiving week with my family, so I won’t be on here much. Just spend time with your family who loves you and try to let him go.

      Happy Thanksgiving!


  17. Hey jen
    I dnt knw y bt from past few days m feeling anger for my ex !!! I just dont know how to forgive him !! Plz tell me a way how to do that

  18. Jen!

    I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.

    Im updating you to let you know that I am feeling amazing this week. Thats not to say that I haven’t had my “moments” of missing my ex but they are becoming fewer and fewer and much easier to talk myself out of. My sleeping isn’t normal yet, and I’m trying to not take NyQuil or something along those lines to help me fall asleep anymore. Im goofing around a lot more and notice myself “enjoying the little things” more often. Like the time i spend with my family now, and how good it feels to not have anyone else but myself to worry about.

    Although..yesterday was hard as it was the first holiday without him.. I know I should have expected that but it hit me hard for a good ten minutes while I was getting ready. I remembered what is was like to have him around for Thanksgiving the past two years.

    I didn’t expect a text from him because he really isn’t that type but I still found myself telling my dad that I was definitely kind of hurt that he hadn’t texted me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. Again, I really didn’t expect on from my ex though.

    Last night I received a text from him saying Happy Thanksgiving and that he hopes everything is well with my family. To be nice, i wished him the same.

    A few minutes later he put on social media “man I wish I could hold a grudge sometimes”… I haven’t really ever done anything to him besides say mean things out of frustration during our breakup, and it feels like he has done much much worse to me. I haven’t dwelled on that though because I’m sure the blaming myself part is all in my head and theres nothing i can do about it right now if he really is blaming me..

    After getting that text I honestly felt even better than I have all week. He says that he has moved on.. and whether he has or he hasn’t I sort of felt a sense of closure. Or relief that he even still cares. TODAY would have been two years for us and I haven’t felt the need to cry once (yet). lol

    My question to you that I have been wondering all week is: Why is it that while we (the dump) are out moving on with our life and it REALLY seems like we are getting over our ex is it so possible for them to miss us? I feel like the longer i don’t talk to him the less I miss him and the more detached I feel. I know that you probably felt like that with C, but why did it because harder for C (the dumper) while it got easier for you (the dump)? Are mens brains just wired differently?

    • I think it has less to do with the difference between men and women and much more to do with the balance of power. When you’re dumped and begging, your ex has all the power…which inherently makes you not attractive (we’re generally attracted to people who share at least our confidence level if not greater confidence). As you begin to heal, the power starts to balance out, and your ex maybe even starts to lose power. This is when they realize that you’re valuable and that they may have made a mistake.

      This is why I tell people to forget about their ex for a while and to just focus on getting happy! It shifts the power and being happy and healed is your best chance at getting them back anyway.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s