Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)

DSCN7635

I let him go.

Really.

I know too well what it’s like to be nursing a broken heart, thinking I’d do anything to get back with my former flame. I’ve thought of every tactic out there. Lonely months went by and I slimmed down to a ghostly version of my former, happy self.

I alienated my friends because the breakup was all I could talk about. “But he was The One!” I said to them, over and over.

My work performance suffered because I couldn’t stop the toxic spewing of negative crap from my mouth. I barely slept and became really destructive.

I told myself the myth that if he just came back to me, my whole life would be fixed.

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Heart on fire, ashes everywhere
— there’s no return from a red like that.

MANUEL DE FREITAS

It took a long time to give up on him and realize that I was facing my life alone. But after so much misery and thinking I’d never be happy again, it dawned on me that the worst had already happened, and there was nothing else to lose.

Weirdly, there was a kind of freedom in that thought. It was a clean slate.

I realized I’d totally abandoned myself, and I decided to reclaim my life.

Nick&Darcy-500

It was during an anti-gravity yoga class that I rocked in Savasana and saw C’s face float in front of my eyes. I looked at it for a long time and softly said “Goodbye.”

Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU

So I moved on. I did what they all tell you to do – I spent time with friends, I took up hobbies, I learned to enjoy taking up the whole bed as I slept alone. I spent mornings drinking coffee on my new balcony (instead of bemoaning that I’d had to get a new apartment by myself at age 31 when I thought I was going to be married by then). I exercised and cooked healthy foods for myself.

I tried things I would have never done before. I applied to speak at Beyond Luon. I learned to make kombucha. Eventually, I dated someone else. It took time, but I came back to life and reclaimed my life as my own.

And then, there he was.

After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)

Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?

Giving up.

Surrendering.

Letting go.

Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.

And then, you know what happens?

That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.

(And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours to begin with.)

We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety.
THE I-CHING

So let it go. Stop thinking if you lose the weight, dress sexier, text him/her at 2am, that’ll work out. You’re missing the entire point.

As much as you can’t believe it, that person doesn’t even matter. You can be happy with someone else, eventually. And you can be very happy alone.

You are the one who matters.

Let nothing stand in the way of the happiness available to you at this exact moment.

Then go live your life and be prepared to be amazed.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

EDIT | January 13, 2015:  As many of you know, C is no longer “my ex.” We reunited in April of 2013, got engaged that September, and were married in August, 2014. :)

I had no idea when I wrote this post that it would create such an outpouring of love and questions from you readers. I am amazed everyday by all of you who so bravely and vulnerably share your stories with me here.

The comments per day keep growing, and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up!

Please know that while I may not be able to answer your specific comment in a timely fashion (I work full-time and am married!), that I still encourage you to share. Someone may read your comment and relate to you. It may create the healing that they need.

I am honored that this little corner on the internet has been able to provide some healing for you. And I’m sorry if I’m unable to answer your specific question. My first piece of advice is to read all the comments written back and forth before yours — you may find the answer you need in there.

If any part of you believes in the law of attraction, I also recommend reading this and regularly reading these. Both helped me immensely during my breakup.

I wish you quick and full healing.

I am so thankful to you. Love, Jen

195 thoughts on “Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)

  1. I’ve just read your post and I think it is great and really helps all the people after breakups to cope with the situation.

    I stumbled upon your blog in a moment when I’ve already understood that I have to move on and ‘fix’ my own life – and am actually finding ways to do that.

    The one thing that makes me wonder – and now after reading your post even more – is that do I really want my ex back?

    It is because I’ve had a long term relationship and I always thought it is going to be for a lifetime. I thought we love and care for each other, we were the closest to each other – and then ‘suddenly’ it all ended in a quite bad (for me) way. For a few months I was down and desperate. I tried to understand her actions and I was ready to forgive and take her back if she onle give me a sign. I’m sure there are many that find this similar to their situation, right?

    But now I’m in a point when I’m not sure if I want that person in my life anymore – I am thinking if the person did all this at the end and acts the way she does – then maybe it is not worth it? Maybe it is not the person I loved anymore? Why should I try to reconcile IF she EVER reaches out? What am I – a “life raft” for her? I mean she said ‘she doesn’t feel love anymore”, she “wants space and time to think”, to “try with others”. OK then choose and stick to your decision. I think it would be hard to take the person back – I would feel like she came back just because something went wrong with “the others” and she wants to go to a safe harbour – until next time..

    What do you think of this? My full story below (sorry if it’s too long). And I must say I really thought we have something strong between us. And now it feels like it was nothing – broken just like that…

    I really love/d her but how can I trust the person anymore? How do you trust her intentions?

    It is really tough question for me. Although it is maybe irrelevant at this particular moment cause she doesn’t seem to care and I came to a point of losing interest – moving on – as well.

    ——————–

    Here’s my story – I asked for advice on other sites/blogs just to see how do others see the situation.

    It is because my closest family and friends (who know us both) keep on saying she is obviously not worth it and I should forget about her cause she is not a good person..

    I am 34 she is 32, we were living together for 9 years. I always thought this is it, we were good together but as it is in long term relationships there was less bliss and more real life from day to day. It is not like I didn’t pay attention – I was caring, thoughtful, always there to support, flowers with no occasion just to make her happy. Unfortunately I got into some financial trouble because of my father and it all got me into depression. I become less active and had periods of sadness and no energy – obviously. That was about 2 years ago and lasts. She was really concerned and tried to help me, support. But I think she couldn’t cope anymore – can’t blame her but on the other hand we were the closest to each other so who should I ask for support if not the closest person?

    About 3 months ago I came to the UK cause the company wanted me to work here in the office. We both decided that this is a good chance and I should go and wait for her to join later (as she is a doctor on the finish of her specialisation so she has to stay back home for some months yet). We both wanted to come here and build future. I came to prepare the ground for us. Everything seemed fine, we were in the contact on Skype almost everyday talking, even intimate stuff. Then she went to Portugal to visit her student sister. It was all good until she came back home. For first 2 days she didn’t have time to talk to me on Skype, then it came to a small txt fight on whatsapp and she wrote some disturbing stuff about me being better without her etc. The Next day we had a talk and it came out she wants to have a break/she doesn’t feel this anymore/she treated me like a brother for few last months/wanted to break earlier but didn’t know how to do that. And that she met a guy in Portugal, had sex with him and it is because she fell in love…

    I was her first man, we were good together, wonderful sex and same interests and morals and now it all came on me shocking. I don’t think she fell in love cause she is not 15 and she knew him for few days. I think she really wanted to break and needed an impulse – and got it (she said that at some point too). Anyway she did apologise, she did feel bad and all, but she didn’t regret it and her decision to break is final. That all happened on Skype and whatsapp with me being alone in foreign country…

    I thought I know her, she was not that kind of person, and now she appeared like someone with a heart of stone.. Anyway unfortunately I did beg her to rethink it and that I could forgive her but we must try to work it out. Of course with no success, she didn’t want to talk to me and told me she needs time and space and we are both free.
    After about a month I went there had a talk with her (it pissed her off when I arrived at the beginning)- I was calm, but I tried to convince her and I think I was needy. I took my things from the flat and just said it is a mistake and that she took care about her. She was also in a bad condition it was very painful.
    She didn’t talk about her decision to anyone, her parents and her sister ar as shocked as me but it was hard even for them to talk to her. As she was closed to any talking/ advice.

    Anyway we’ve had virtually no contact since the middle of November – she didn’t care what is going on with me in spite of that she said before that she will be worried about me and stuff. We have a dog together whom she has to give her parents to take care of (cause she works a lot) and because of some issue with the dog I had to txt her (beginning of Dec) what is the problem. She was nice but distanced and didn’t even ask how am I. Unfortunately the next day we had a chat again and I said I miss her.. She said she misses me too but wants some time to rest and doesn’t want nothing now. It is about 3 months since the ‘breakup’ and I see (imagine) she is still ok with that.

    I was having tough time during Xmas and New Year. I did manage to stop myself from sending her Xmas wishes first (anyway she didn’t send me anything either – like she totally forgot about me/wiped me out).
    And it’s her birthday coming this week and I will be around – first thought to visit her and try to talk like adults about our options – but now I am at the point where I will not reach out myself- just send the txt.

    And I am ready for not to contact her anymore.

    • Vtek,

      You are at a real turning point in your breakup. You should feel happy! This is huge.

      It was three months after my breakup with C, on the night of my birthday, when I decided that I didn’t want him back anymore. It was raining and I was sitting in a parking lot talking with one of my best friends. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I told her. “I think I’m a great girl. And if he doesn’t realize that, then you know what? I don’t WANT him back.”

      From that moment, EVERYTHING turned around. Just saying those words gave me SO MUCH POWER. Suddenly, when he started messaging me a few days later, I stopped answering. I started to date someone else and I started to do things just for ME. Maybe C wasn’t going to treat me like I wanted to be treated, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t DESERVE to be treated that way. So I treated myself that way, and I only spent time with people who treated me well.

      And guess what? He wanted me back within a month. The real trick after having the moment that you’ve just had is…she may sense the shift of power in you (even if you’re not talking) and want you back. The real difficulty in getting your ex back is not the attracting them back to you part. It’s what to do ONCE they want you back. If you take her back, you’ll have to rebuild trust and all of your old problems in your relationship will be right where you left them. If you don’t take her back, it could really hurt her.

      By the time C came back to me, I’d gotten my power back and I actually told him “No” the first several times he asked. I was finally happy on my own and I didn’t believe he valued me.

      You are near the end of the difficult part. Just in realizing that you may not actually *want* her back, you’ve taken a HUGE step forward.

      Joy is right around the corner. With your ex, or without her.

      I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Love, Jen

      • Thank you Jennifer for your answer. I wanted to wait and see how things go. And unfortunately I feel broken agin – after seeing my ex (though I didn’t intend to). I thought I am growing strong but I feel it all went wrong. Maybe it has much to do with the fact that I suffer from depression. Anyways maybe you’ll comment – if you get through my long post at all.

        —————–

        So I was back there in my home city to visit parents and friends. I’ve decided not to see my ex and reduce my contact with her to text simple Bday wishes and ask her to bring rest of my stuff to her parents’ so I can take it from there without meeting her.

        She seemed ok with that, was polite and all, I was cool. She couldn’t find one of my things so we were texting back and forth but nothing other than about the stuff and about the dog (I took the dog from her parents and was staying with me for the few days). I had a small chat with her father while taking the dog from him – which was not nice but I’ve decided not to worry about it.

        Then on the night before my flight home she texted me that she has found my stuff in the cellar and will bring it to her parents – she texted that at 3 am. Then asked why am I so angry that I didn’t want to meet her and anything.

        In the morning I texted that I don’t think there is any purpose of us two meeting anymore – and she replied that she wanted to talk about the dog (it is all because she has found it difficult to take care of the dog being alone, working etc. but she wants to keep the dog).

        I told her that I already told everything to her father and have nothing more to say about it.

        She replied ok and she will not bother me anymore and that she is surprised I talk to her that way (indifferent) and what is wrong with me and she thought “we can talk like adults” (yeah but she didn’t reach out to me before). I said “you must be kidding me” – she said that I was different when contacting her before (I was very nice and interested in her) – so I said that she treated me different before also (when we were together that is) and that I am normal/neutral to her. She replied ok and maybe we should’t talk. I didn’t reply to this.

        In the morning unfortunately I went to give the dog back to her parents and take my stuff from them.

        I had a conversation with her father which pissed me off – let’s say he started to put the most of the blame on me etc. and blackmailed me about the dog – that I might not see the dog anymore etc.

        I must add that my ex’s mother is still in a bad condition/worse than I thought – depressed because all what has happened and on meds. I’m very sorry for her but it was not my decision after all and I am the one who suffered in the first line.

        OK and here is where I probably made a mistake (in terms of my mind comfort).

        I was pissed because of my ex’s father so I texted her and told her I don’t like the blackmail and I hope she will take a good care of the dog.

        She replied that I could talk to her personally and not her father and that she wanted to meet but I didn’t. Yeah but she never mentioned she wanted to meet!

        And said she doesn’t know what about the dog and it is my decision and she doesn’t want to argue – wished me luck and safe trip home.

        I was still pissed (about the dog issue) so told her ok let’s meet now outside for a minute ( she was at her parents’ and they live just by my parents so..). She agreed.

        So we met. I was cool – showing no neediness or sadness (as I actually didn’t feel any of this),

        she seemed cool also, not happy, not smiling – just calm. We were talking about the dog and she said that she thought we would meet for a coffee or something (yeah but she didn’t offer that before herself). Then it all went back to what has happened between us. She said she didn’t contact me during Xmas cause she thought it would renew the pain and give me hope or something. And she waited for me to send the wishes as well. She said that she want’s all the best for me.

        I was rather calm and confident but unfortunately told her some unpleasant stuff also and maybe showed I have anger inside. At some point she became sad and started to weep and told about her mother that she is not well and is worried also about how I am (her mother).

        Then we just went our ways – and I returned my ‘new home’.

        But all this made me very sad and brought back everything. In my mind I keep seeing her standing there sad and weeping, I think she has lost weight she didn’t look too good, her eyes were ‘grey’ – without the spark. I was feeling better before – was sure I want to move on and started not to care about the past and about her. But now she is in my mind again and I feel so horrible about all this – I try to remember what she did to me and she made my suffer the horror and so I shouldn’t worry about her and her mother right now. But I can’t – I feel broken again

        I feel all this (meeting) was a mistake.

        Few hours later I texted her that I didn’t want it to go that way and that I am sorry I told some unpleasant stuff and it was because her father irritated me with his talking. I wish her the best and I want to shut that door. And that I wasn’t going to see her but I have a letter/email I wanted to send – and still can if she wants to read it.

        Few days later I got a reply which expains her point of view and decisions/ apoligies.

        She is in this new “relationship” (with the guy she ‘cheated me’ on her holidays – in the end). He is few years older, has a 9yo doughter and they live like 3000 km away in another country. But she says it is a DECENT MAN and has SERIOUS PLANS towards her…
        They have seen each other for a few days (when they met during her holidays- and she said she fell in love…) and the rest must have been texting and skyping maybe… I don’t see her coming to him cause she doesn’t speak the language of the country and I don’t think she has any chance for career as a doctor there and he has his life/doughter/business there and surely will not come to her. I just can not understand how can she be so unreasonable.. I know I should live my own life but I still can not stand it if someone hurts her – I was always there for her protecting her :(

        No wonder that her mum is so extremely worried about all this and her daughter’s future that she got into depression – but it had and still has no impact on my ex’s perception.

        At the end of the letter she wishes me luck and hopes that some day when I get better we can meet and talk normally. I’m not sure I should reply something to say that ‘maybe one day’ etc – to keep the lines open for the future or just go silent. Before our meeting I was quite confident about my situation and wanted to move on but now it all came back all the doubts.

        Thanks so much,
        Witek

  2. Hi Jennifer,
    I just wanted to let you know that your articles have helped me tremendously; thanks for sharing! When I’m wavering on how I should feel, I always re-read what you wrote and it helps motivate me to rebuild my life and move on.

    My problem: since you got back your ex by moving on, I’m having difficulties fully letting go, haha. It sounds silly, but I can’t help but to hope! It’s frustrating, because I know that if I have any hope, that’s not truly moving on… I have to rebuild my life for ME, not for him. Gah. And I keep telling myself that my ex has moved on and doesn’t love me (he told me this when I last spoke to him, which broke my heart all over again… though less than a month prior to this, he told me time apart made him appreciate our relationship, and that he’s just unhappy with himself and needs to work on that. So, It’s all very confusing… Our story is a very long one: We’ ve been on and off for 10 years, but finally committed to one another over a year ago. I believe his friends/family told him recently that if he’s not sure by this point, he should let me go. I also pressured him recently, so I believe both of these things led to him telling me he has no feelings left.)…. So I have to remind myself that it’s highly unlikely he’ll ever want to be with me again. If he ever did, I think it would be years from now because he’s very stubborn when he makes these big decisions. Our relationship was rocky as well, due to my depression. We had a lot of fun and loved one another, plus our bond is very solid… we’re closer than siblings! But, there was also a lot of bad in our relationship, so I think that’s all he can see, and so he’s moving on for good. It’s very difficult for me to accept, as he’s the only man I’ve ever loved, and he’s been in my life for 14 years. I tried dating many, many times and I always end up thinking about him. He’s very unique to the rest of the male population (where I live, anyway), and I’ve become so accustomed to his quirky, flamboyant self, that the rest of the guys I meet seem so dull in comparison… And It was the same thing for him as well, thus why we decided to finally begin an adult relationship. I so badly wish I had sought help for my depression much sooner… only a week before the break up, I realized I was pushing him away, and everyone away. I’m much better these days, stable and happy, other than missing my ex. I wish he could experience the new and improved me, haha, but he’s so determined to move on.

    Yikes, sorry for babbling! I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you went through, whoops! Haha. I know that the best thing to do is to stop all contact with him, as he’s never really lost me. I’ve only gone a week without texting him before! He needs to feel what it’s like to not have me around at all. And without contact, hopefully I’ll move on. I wish I could get that bit of hope out of my head though… I keep thinking NC will bring him back to me. But no, if I still have hope, he’ll sense he hasn’t really lost me. UGH. Oh no, I’m still venting! Hope your eyes aren’t bleeding, haha.

    Thanks again!

    • Hi Marilyn,

      I really, really do understand. Completely. I was there. I knew that I needed to “let go,” but I only was doing so thinking it would make him want me back. I wavered in the exact place that you’re in for months. “Well if I do No Contact for 3 months,” I thought, “will he want me back then?” It’s the worst, because even as you’re trying to forget him, your mind is working on manipulating him to want you back. It’s a total vicious circle!

      C was also REALLY determined that I have no hope. It was cruel at the time, but in the end, I’m glad he said those things. They inspired me to cut ties with him and to reconnect to myself and heal the underlying issues that were sabotaging all of my relationships. I don’t struggle with depression anymore, ever, because of that really important lesson I learned during the breakup. I believe that it will be the same for you.

      All I can say is that even you WANTING to let go is a huge step in the right direction. If your mind jumps to, “But will he want me back then?” redirect your thoughts to, “This isn’t about him wanting me back. This is about me letting go so that I can be happy.” Because until you let it go, you CAN’T be happy. And I would argue that your happiness is MUCH more important than any romantic relationship you’re in. Despite how wrong this all feels, it is a huge life lesson wrapped up in a bow for you. When it all resolves itself, despite how contrary this sounds, you will be SO GRATEFUL for this time in your life — whether he comes back or not. That, I can promise you.

      If he is determined to move on, let him. It means he’s currently being an idiot.

      The fact that you WANT him to see that you’re happier is a step in the right direction. My experience has proven that even if he can’t see that you’re doing better, in some weird way, he CAN feel it. So keep getting happier. Keep facing your depression. Be willing to face all of these practically unbearable feelings. You will be stronger for the rest of your life as a result of the hard internal work you are doing RIGHT NOW.

      Your next step is being happy without caring if he knows or not. And that will come, I promise. The day will come when you won’t want to say his name or think about him anymore. You will get so sick of yourself being obsessive, and you will just want to be happy for your own sake. It WILL come…you’re nearly there. I know it feels unending. But you are almost there. <3 Good luck.

      • Thanks so much for your lovely reply! It was so detailed and thoughtful; I may have cried a little… haha. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now, but still, I really appreciate everything you said.

        It is a vicious cycle! It’s SO frustrating and I’m driving myself crazy. One minute, I’m telling myself it’s time to move on and I have to stop hoping that moving on will make him want me again. He’s told me not to hope and that he has no feelings. And then I think back to how rocky our relationship was… and how there’s no way he’ll want to try again. All he’ll see is that he didn’t want me for years, and then we tried to have a relationship, and he loved me, but it wasn’t the kind of love he’d hoped for. And there’s also too much going against me and our relationship for him to ever consider it: with all of my needy past behavior, my depression, me not getting to know his family and friends because of my anxiety/depression…. There’s nothing to want.

        But then my stupid brain tells me, “Marilyn, don’t be silly, there’s no such thing as IMPOSSIBLE! Think about LOA and that article you read (http://www.powerfulintentions.org/forum/topics/yess-you-can-attract-your-ex) and about Jennifer’s story! If you just live your life, maybe your best friend will be back”
        And I also think about all of the good times we shared, and that he’s a smart man… he must know that It’s possible for my depression to improve, and that that was the cause for all of my negative traits! Gah. So that gives me hope… and here I am struggling between letting go fully, and then just “fake” letting go. God damnit, this cycle is the worst!

        Also, when I lean towards having zero hope, I feel so incredibly depressed, so it’s hard to stick with this mind set. I can cope with the thought of us not being together for a year, or just “for now”… but when I come to the conclusion that he’ll NEVER want me again, I panic. Because (and I know EVERYONE says this, but it’s seriously true in my case! Haha), I honestly don’t believe I’ll have another serious relationship with anyone else. I have tried dating for 10 years, and I could not fall in love. He’s the only man I’ve loved and I truly believed we’d be together for forever. Whiiiich leads me back into thinking that I should follow my gut, and believe that we will be back together one day, haha. It’s quite pathetic.

        I also have moments of just appreciating that I was loved by him once, and just cherish those memories. I was lucky that I got to experience that, and if I don’t have it again, that’s okay. I can still be happy with just friends, right? I can focus on my career, and other things. It’s tough though, as my happiness has always stemmed from my love for people… It’s a problem. I am so dependent on this person and I need to grow without him; I realize the break up was a blessing, because I HAVE to learn how to be happy without him. My dependency on him is so unhealthy! I know I’ve already come a long way, because I rarely think of suicide (I was that low, yes. The pain was unbearable) and I’m excited/afraid to try to rebuild my life. Though once and awhile the panic sets back in and it suckssss.

        I’m babbling again, sorry! I don’t even know what the point of me writing to you is… I know that the right thing to do is to try my best to stop thinking about him, to let go, and to make a life without him. I think by writing on here, and by thinking about everything, I’m procrastinating rebuilding my life. I’m afraid of the unknown, and letting go. I think I’m afraid of moving on, in a way? Everything is hard! I’ve relied on this person for so long, and now I’m on my own. I have to face my fears and improve myself, and hope that by doing this I will become happy… orrrr the other option is I drown, and sit here and think and think, and continue to loathe myself and all of my mistakes… I will push everyone away further, and end up discovering my ex has a family, and then probably off myself, haha. That’s not the future I want! I want to become strong and I want to be happy on my own. If he doesn’t come back, I want to be okay when I find out my ex is in love with someone new. I don’t want to crumble to pieces.

        And I am already tired of obsessing; I’m tired of saying his name. I want to stop thinking about him, and I do sometimes… but then something triggers my sadness and I long for him and look at social media stuff (so terrible), and ugh. I need to stop. He doesn’t want me, so why should I give him this power. I’m in charge of my happiness, not him.

        Oh jeez, this message is never going to end, is it? Haha.
        Thanks again Jennifer! You’re so kind for replying to strangers. You’ve helped me more than you know!

        -Marilyn

  3. Hey jen hope all is well,
    I’ve not posted for a while as I’ve been feeling really positive,
    Having a tad bad day tho, obviously going to see the ex to see my son most days but then I leave feeling depressed as we should be a family, it’s getting easier seeing my ex but some days I just want to tell her can we start again,
    But refraine from doing so,
    I think the most frustration for me is not knowing how she feels. Does she want us to try, is she missing me, or am I seeing her through rose tinted glasses.
    (I left her)
    I know I’m not fully over her and I know it takes time but I just have a niggling feeling something isn’t over and I can’t put my finger on it, I just want this to go and me to look at her and not feel anything not sonetimes longing for her.
    I said in a few posts that I find it difficult she on numerous occasions called me her soulmate and the love of her entire life now it feels just weird it’s over,
    I know you’ve read the same posts just having a off day,
    Dom 💎

  4. Jennifer I tried keeping myself to myself until this happened. I am now stuck again :(

    So basically she reached out to me on Saturday saying:
    ‘Hey don’t Ignore me :(‘
    ‘You didn’t even reply to my other messages :'( :|

    I read these messages on Sunday and she then said ‘:|’ and I read that message to which she then said ‘You’re just being hella rude now’

    I couldn’t take that the she was still reaching out to me so I had to just tell her that I asked for space. I asked why she is still popping up to me despite her telling me that she was alright with the whole needing distance and she replied ‘well I didn’t know it was this long’ so I replied ‘hmm well it’ll take quite a bit of time’ and she replied ‘well I miss you’, I then said ‘Im just accepting the break up tbh’ and she said ‘Yh I know’ ‘But I still miss you’

    She eventually told me how she is stressed because her boyfriend doesnt know about her insecurities and that she’s scared how he is going to react. She told me how it was different for me and her because I knew her insecurities before we got together whereas with this guy she said that ‘He seems good with stuff he’s seen like my scars he was perfectly okay but what if he cant handle the fact that I’m still doing it or that I still feel the same’. I told her that if he handles it well then he’s good whereas if he doesnt handle it well then he’s clearly not good in the long run.

    I then just ended the conversation and told her good luck so that she would reply and would have the last say.

    I have no idea what I have to do from now onwards because the only reason that I gave her that advice was because at one point I was constantly saying how I was just accepting the relationship and how its her problems. She told me she feels like she lost one of her ‘fucking best friends’ I said I cant do anything because she is now her and I am me, we are no longer together. To which she replied ‘you’re just being a prick’ so I felt all defensive and had to be nice so that she wouldn’t have a bad image of me. I wanted to keep a positive image in her mind regarding what she thinks of me, I want her to think positive of me as opposed to being a ‘prick’ in her eyes.

    What do I even do to get the power back in my court from now. :/ I am still working on myself but regarding working towards reconciliation whats next.

      • I just gave her advice which might work. He didn’t mind her scars so why would he mind other insecurities? He will just pretend if anything that the insecurities do not pose a problem just so that he can continue being with her. So what do I do from this point on :/ regarding NC or just anything?

        She did then upload a profile picture saying ‘oh, there goes all the fucks I give’

  5. Hi jen,
    Quick update,
    Things going really well at the moment, me and the ex are getting on really well,
    Get the odd day where I feel like s##t and want her back then I redirect my thoughts, really hard but I have too,
    IS it normal to see a ex through rose tinted glasses like they were the best thing to ever happen to you, even tho everyday is getting easier and easier I do somehow slip into wondering how she feels and convince myself she’s fine and really wanting this, maybe once i really get my confidence that was shaken back to top it wouldn’t be such a huge issue,
    Hope all is well across the pond ,

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