Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)


I let him go.


I know too well what it’s like to be nursing a broken heart, thinking I’d do anything to get back with my former flame. I’ve thought of every tactic out there. Lonely months went by and I slimmed down to a ghostly version of my former, happy self.

I alienated my friends because the breakup was all I could talk about. “But he was The One!” I said to them, over and over.

My work performance suffered because I couldn’t stop the toxic spewing of negative crap from my mouth. I barely slept and became really destructive.

I told myself the myth that if he just came back to me, my whole life would be fixed.

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Heart on fire, ashes everywhere
— there’s no return from a red like that.


It took a long time to give up on him and realize that I was facing my life alone. But after so much misery and thinking I’d never be happy again, it dawned on me that the worst had already happened, and there was nothing else to lose.

Weirdly, there was a kind of freedom in that thought. It was a clean slate.

I realized I’d totally abandoned myself, and I decided to reclaim my life.


It was during an anti-gravity yoga class that I rocked in Savasana and saw C’s face float in front of my eyes. I looked at it for a long time and softly said “Goodbye.”

Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.

So I moved on. I did what they all tell you to do – I spent time with friends, I took up hobbies, I learned to enjoy taking up the whole bed as I slept alone. I spent mornings drinking coffee on my new balcony (instead of bemoaning that I’d had to get a new apartment by myself at age 31 when I thought I was going to be married by then). I exercised and cooked healthy foods for myself.

I tried things I would have never done before. I applied to speak at Beyond Luon. I learned to make kombucha. Eventually, I dated someone else. It took time, but I came back to life and reclaimed my life as my own.

And then, there he was.

After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)

Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?

Giving up.


Letting go.

Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.

And then, you know what happens?

That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.

(And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours to begin with.)

We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety.

So let it go. Stop thinking if you lose the weight, dress sexier, text him/her at 2am, that’ll work out. You’re missing the entire point.

As much as you can’t believe it, that person doesn’t even matter. You can be happy with someone else, eventually. And you can be very happy alone.

You are the one who matters.

Let nothing stand in the way of the happiness available to you at this exact moment.

Then go live your life and be prepared to be amazed.



EDIT | January 13, 2015:  As many of you know, C is no longer “my ex.” We reunited in April of 2013, got engaged that September, and were married in August, 2014. :)

I had no idea when I wrote this post that it would create such an outpouring of love and questions from you readers. I am amazed everyday by all of you who so bravely and vulnerably share your stories with me here.

The comments per day keep growing, and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep up!

Please know that while I may not be able to answer your specific comment in a timely fashion (I work full-time and am married!), that I still encourage you to share. Someone may read your comment and relate to you. It may create the healing that they need.

I am honored that this little corner on the internet has been able to provide some healing for you. And I’m sorry if I’m unable to answer your specific question. My first piece of advice is to read all the comments written back and forth before yours — you may find the answer you need in there.

If any part of you believes in the law of attraction, I also recommend reading this and regularly reading these. Both helped me immensely during my breakup.

I wish you quick and full healing.

I am so thankful to you. Love, Jen

223 thoughts on “Small Life, Slow Life: How I Got My Ex Back. (Seriously.)

  1. I’ve just read your post and I think it is great and really helps all the people after breakups to cope with the situation.

    I stumbled upon your blog in a moment when I’ve already understood that I have to move on and ‘fix’ my own life – and am actually finding ways to do that.

    The one thing that makes me wonder – and now after reading your post even more – is that do I really want my ex back?

    It is because I’ve had a long term relationship and I always thought it is going to be for a lifetime. I thought we love and care for each other, we were the closest to each other – and then ‘suddenly’ it all ended in a quite bad (for me) way. For a few months I was down and desperate. I tried to understand her actions and I was ready to forgive and take her back if she onle give me a sign. I’m sure there are many that find this similar to their situation, right?

    But now I’m in a point when I’m not sure if I want that person in my life anymore – I am thinking if the person did all this at the end and acts the way she does – then maybe it is not worth it? Maybe it is not the person I loved anymore? Why should I try to reconcile IF she EVER reaches out? What am I – a “life raft” for her? I mean she said ‘she doesn’t feel love anymore”, she “wants space and time to think”, to “try with others”. OK then choose and stick to your decision. I think it would be hard to take the person back – I would feel like she came back just because something went wrong with “the others” and she wants to go to a safe harbour – until next time..

    What do you think of this? My full story below (sorry if it’s too long). And I must say I really thought we have something strong between us. And now it feels like it was nothing – broken just like that…

    I really love/d her but how can I trust the person anymore? How do you trust her intentions?

    It is really tough question for me. Although it is maybe irrelevant at this particular moment cause she doesn’t seem to care and I came to a point of losing interest – moving on – as well.


    Here’s my story – I asked for advice on other sites/blogs just to see how do others see the situation.

    It is because my closest family and friends (who know us both) keep on saying she is obviously not worth it and I should forget about her cause she is not a good person..

    I am 34 she is 32, we were living together for 9 years. I always thought this is it, we were good together but as it is in long term relationships there was less bliss and more real life from day to day. It is not like I didn’t pay attention – I was caring, thoughtful, always there to support, flowers with no occasion just to make her happy. Unfortunately I got into some financial trouble because of my father and it all got me into depression. I become less active and had periods of sadness and no energy – obviously. That was about 2 years ago and lasts. She was really concerned and tried to help me, support. But I think she couldn’t cope anymore – can’t blame her but on the other hand we were the closest to each other so who should I ask for support if not the closest person?

    About 3 months ago I came to the UK cause the company wanted me to work here in the office. We both decided that this is a good chance and I should go and wait for her to join later (as she is a doctor on the finish of her specialisation so she has to stay back home for some months yet). We both wanted to come here and build future. I came to prepare the ground for us. Everything seemed fine, we were in the contact on Skype almost everyday talking, even intimate stuff. Then she went to Portugal to visit her student sister. It was all good until she came back home. For first 2 days she didn’t have time to talk to me on Skype, then it came to a small txt fight on whatsapp and she wrote some disturbing stuff about me being better without her etc. The Next day we had a talk and it came out she wants to have a break/she doesn’t feel this anymore/she treated me like a brother for few last months/wanted to break earlier but didn’t know how to do that. And that she met a guy in Portugal, had sex with him and it is because she fell in love…

    I was her first man, we were good together, wonderful sex and same interests and morals and now it all came on me shocking. I don’t think she fell in love cause she is not 15 and she knew him for few days. I think she really wanted to break and needed an impulse – and got it (she said that at some point too). Anyway she did apologise, she did feel bad and all, but she didn’t regret it and her decision to break is final. That all happened on Skype and whatsapp with me being alone in foreign country…

    I thought I know her, she was not that kind of person, and now she appeared like someone with a heart of stone.. Anyway unfortunately I did beg her to rethink it and that I could forgive her but we must try to work it out. Of course with no success, she didn’t want to talk to me and told me she needs time and space and we are both free.
    After about a month I went there had a talk with her (it pissed her off when I arrived at the beginning)- I was calm, but I tried to convince her and I think I was needy. I took my things from the flat and just said it is a mistake and that she took care about her. She was also in a bad condition it was very painful.
    She didn’t talk about her decision to anyone, her parents and her sister ar as shocked as me but it was hard even for them to talk to her. As she was closed to any talking/ advice.

    Anyway we’ve had virtually no contact since the middle of November – she didn’t care what is going on with me in spite of that she said before that she will be worried about me and stuff. We have a dog together whom she has to give her parents to take care of (cause she works a lot) and because of some issue with the dog I had to txt her (beginning of Dec) what is the problem. She was nice but distanced and didn’t even ask how am I. Unfortunately the next day we had a chat again and I said I miss her.. She said she misses me too but wants some time to rest and doesn’t want nothing now. It is about 3 months since the ‘breakup’ and I see (imagine) she is still ok with that.

    I was having tough time during Xmas and New Year. I did manage to stop myself from sending her Xmas wishes first (anyway she didn’t send me anything either – like she totally forgot about me/wiped me out).
    And it’s her birthday coming this week and I will be around – first thought to visit her and try to talk like adults about our options – but now I am at the point where I will not reach out myself- just send the txt.

    And I am ready for not to contact her anymore.

    • Vtek,

      You are at a real turning point in your breakup. You should feel happy! This is huge.

      It was three months after my breakup with C, on the night of my birthday, when I decided that I didn’t want him back anymore. It was raining and I was sitting in a parking lot talking with one of my best friends. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I told her. “I think I’m a great girl. And if he doesn’t realize that, then you know what? I don’t WANT him back.”

      From that moment, EVERYTHING turned around. Just saying those words gave me SO MUCH POWER. Suddenly, when he started messaging me a few days later, I stopped answering. I started to date someone else and I started to do things just for ME. Maybe C wasn’t going to treat me like I wanted to be treated, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t DESERVE to be treated that way. So I treated myself that way, and I only spent time with people who treated me well.

      And guess what? He wanted me back within a month. The real trick after having the moment that you’ve just had is…she may sense the shift of power in you (even if you’re not talking) and want you back. The real difficulty in getting your ex back is not the attracting them back to you part. It’s what to do ONCE they want you back. If you take her back, you’ll have to rebuild trust and all of your old problems in your relationship will be right where you left them. If you don’t take her back, it could really hurt her.

      By the time C came back to me, I’d gotten my power back and I actually told him “No” the first several times he asked. I was finally happy on my own and I didn’t believe he valued me.

      You are near the end of the difficult part. Just in realizing that you may not actually *want* her back, you’ve taken a HUGE step forward.

      Joy is right around the corner. With your ex, or without her.

      I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Love, Jen

      • Thank you Jennifer for your answer. I wanted to wait and see how things go. And unfortunately I feel broken agin – after seeing my ex (though I didn’t intend to). I thought I am growing strong but I feel it all went wrong. Maybe it has much to do with the fact that I suffer from depression. Anyways maybe you’ll comment – if you get through my long post at all.


        So I was back there in my home city to visit parents and friends. I’ve decided not to see my ex and reduce my contact with her to text simple Bday wishes and ask her to bring rest of my stuff to her parents’ so I can take it from there without meeting her.

        She seemed ok with that, was polite and all, I was cool. She couldn’t find one of my things so we were texting back and forth but nothing other than about the stuff and about the dog (I took the dog from her parents and was staying with me for the few days). I had a small chat with her father while taking the dog from him – which was not nice but I’ve decided not to worry about it.

        Then on the night before my flight home she texted me that she has found my stuff in the cellar and will bring it to her parents – she texted that at 3 am. Then asked why am I so angry that I didn’t want to meet her and anything.

        In the morning I texted that I don’t think there is any purpose of us two meeting anymore – and she replied that she wanted to talk about the dog (it is all because she has found it difficult to take care of the dog being alone, working etc. but she wants to keep the dog).

        I told her that I already told everything to her father and have nothing more to say about it.

        She replied ok and she will not bother me anymore and that she is surprised I talk to her that way (indifferent) and what is wrong with me and she thought “we can talk like adults” (yeah but she didn’t reach out to me before). I said “you must be kidding me” – she said that I was different when contacting her before (I was very nice and interested in her) – so I said that she treated me different before also (when we were together that is) and that I am normal/neutral to her. She replied ok and maybe we should’t talk. I didn’t reply to this.

        In the morning unfortunately I went to give the dog back to her parents and take my stuff from them.

        I had a conversation with her father which pissed me off – let’s say he started to put the most of the blame on me etc. and blackmailed me about the dog – that I might not see the dog anymore etc.

        I must add that my ex’s mother is still in a bad condition/worse than I thought – depressed because all what has happened and on meds. I’m very sorry for her but it was not my decision after all and I am the one who suffered in the first line.

        OK and here is where I probably made a mistake (in terms of my mind comfort).

        I was pissed because of my ex’s father so I texted her and told her I don’t like the blackmail and I hope she will take a good care of the dog.

        She replied that I could talk to her personally and not her father and that she wanted to meet but I didn’t. Yeah but she never mentioned she wanted to meet!

        And said she doesn’t know what about the dog and it is my decision and she doesn’t want to argue – wished me luck and safe trip home.

        I was still pissed (about the dog issue) so told her ok let’s meet now outside for a minute ( she was at her parents’ and they live just by my parents so..). She agreed.

        So we met. I was cool – showing no neediness or sadness (as I actually didn’t feel any of this),

        she seemed cool also, not happy, not smiling – just calm. We were talking about the dog and she said that she thought we would meet for a coffee or something (yeah but she didn’t offer that before herself). Then it all went back to what has happened between us. She said she didn’t contact me during Xmas cause she thought it would renew the pain and give me hope or something. And she waited for me to send the wishes as well. She said that she want’s all the best for me.

        I was rather calm and confident but unfortunately told her some unpleasant stuff also and maybe showed I have anger inside. At some point she became sad and started to weep and told about her mother that she is not well and is worried also about how I am (her mother).

        Then we just went our ways – and I returned my ‘new home’.

        But all this made me very sad and brought back everything. In my mind I keep seeing her standing there sad and weeping, I think she has lost weight she didn’t look too good, her eyes were ‘grey’ – without the spark. I was feeling better before – was sure I want to move on and started not to care about the past and about her. But now she is in my mind again and I feel so horrible about all this – I try to remember what she did to me and she made my suffer the horror and so I shouldn’t worry about her and her mother right now. But I can’t – I feel broken again

        I feel all this (meeting) was a mistake.

        Few hours later I texted her that I didn’t want it to go that way and that I am sorry I told some unpleasant stuff and it was because her father irritated me with his talking. I wish her the best and I want to shut that door. And that I wasn’t going to see her but I have a letter/email I wanted to send – and still can if she wants to read it.

        Few days later I got a reply which expains her point of view and decisions/ apoligies.

        She is in this new “relationship” (with the guy she ‘cheated me’ on her holidays – in the end). He is few years older, has a 9yo doughter and they live like 3000 km away in another country. But she says it is a DECENT MAN and has SERIOUS PLANS towards her…
        They have seen each other for a few days (when they met during her holidays- and she said she fell in love…) and the rest must have been texting and skyping maybe… I don’t see her coming to him cause she doesn’t speak the language of the country and I don’t think she has any chance for career as a doctor there and he has his life/doughter/business there and surely will not come to her. I just can not understand how can she be so unreasonable.. I know I should live my own life but I still can not stand it if someone hurts her – I was always there for her protecting her :(

        No wonder that her mum is so extremely worried about all this and her daughter’s future that she got into depression – but it had and still has no impact on my ex’s perception.

        At the end of the letter she wishes me luck and hopes that some day when I get better we can meet and talk normally. I’m not sure I should reply something to say that ‘maybe one day’ etc – to keep the lines open for the future or just go silent. Before our meeting I was quite confident about my situation and wanted to move on but now it all came back all the doubts.

        Thanks so much,

  2. Hi Jennifer,
    I just wanted to let you know that your articles have helped me tremendously; thanks for sharing! When I’m wavering on how I should feel, I always re-read what you wrote and it helps motivate me to rebuild my life and move on.

    My problem: since you got back your ex by moving on, I’m having difficulties fully letting go, haha. It sounds silly, but I can’t help but to hope! It’s frustrating, because I know that if I have any hope, that’s not truly moving on… I have to rebuild my life for ME, not for him. Gah. And I keep telling myself that my ex has moved on and doesn’t love me (he told me this when I last spoke to him, which broke my heart all over again… though less than a month prior to this, he told me time apart made him appreciate our relationship, and that he’s just unhappy with himself and needs to work on that. So, It’s all very confusing… Our story is a very long one: We’ ve been on and off for 10 years, but finally committed to one another over a year ago. I believe his friends/family told him recently that if he’s not sure by this point, he should let me go. I also pressured him recently, so I believe both of these things led to him telling me he has no feelings left.)…. So I have to remind myself that it’s highly unlikely he’ll ever want to be with me again. If he ever did, I think it would be years from now because he’s very stubborn when he makes these big decisions. Our relationship was rocky as well, due to my depression. We had a lot of fun and loved one another, plus our bond is very solid… we’re closer than siblings! But, there was also a lot of bad in our relationship, so I think that’s all he can see, and so he’s moving on for good. It’s very difficult for me to accept, as he’s the only man I’ve ever loved, and he’s been in my life for 14 years. I tried dating many, many times and I always end up thinking about him. He’s very unique to the rest of the male population (where I live, anyway), and I’ve become so accustomed to his quirky, flamboyant self, that the rest of the guys I meet seem so dull in comparison… And It was the same thing for him as well, thus why we decided to finally begin an adult relationship. I so badly wish I had sought help for my depression much sooner… only a week before the break up, I realized I was pushing him away, and everyone away. I’m much better these days, stable and happy, other than missing my ex. I wish he could experience the new and improved me, haha, but he’s so determined to move on.

    Yikes, sorry for babbling! I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you went through, whoops! Haha. I know that the best thing to do is to stop all contact with him, as he’s never really lost me. I’ve only gone a week without texting him before! He needs to feel what it’s like to not have me around at all. And without contact, hopefully I’ll move on. I wish I could get that bit of hope out of my head though… I keep thinking NC will bring him back to me. But no, if I still have hope, he’ll sense he hasn’t really lost me. UGH. Oh no, I’m still venting! Hope your eyes aren’t bleeding, haha.

    Thanks again!

    • Hi Marilyn,

      I really, really do understand. Completely. I was there. I knew that I needed to “let go,” but I only was doing so thinking it would make him want me back. I wavered in the exact place that you’re in for months. “Well if I do No Contact for 3 months,” I thought, “will he want me back then?” It’s the worst, because even as you’re trying to forget him, your mind is working on manipulating him to want you back. It’s a total vicious circle!

      C was also REALLY determined that I have no hope. It was cruel at the time, but in the end, I’m glad he said those things. They inspired me to cut ties with him and to reconnect to myself and heal the underlying issues that were sabotaging all of my relationships. I don’t struggle with depression anymore, ever, because of that really important lesson I learned during the breakup. I believe that it will be the same for you.

      All I can say is that even you WANTING to let go is a huge step in the right direction. If your mind jumps to, “But will he want me back then?” redirect your thoughts to, “This isn’t about him wanting me back. This is about me letting go so that I can be happy.” Because until you let it go, you CAN’T be happy. And I would argue that your happiness is MUCH more important than any romantic relationship you’re in. Despite how wrong this all feels, it is a huge life lesson wrapped up in a bow for you. When it all resolves itself, despite how contrary this sounds, you will be SO GRATEFUL for this time in your life — whether he comes back or not. That, I can promise you.

      If he is determined to move on, let him. It means he’s currently being an idiot.

      The fact that you WANT him to see that you’re happier is a step in the right direction. My experience has proven that even if he can’t see that you’re doing better, in some weird way, he CAN feel it. So keep getting happier. Keep facing your depression. Be willing to face all of these practically unbearable feelings. You will be stronger for the rest of your life as a result of the hard internal work you are doing RIGHT NOW.

      Your next step is being happy without caring if he knows or not. And that will come, I promise. The day will come when you won’t want to say his name or think about him anymore. You will get so sick of yourself being obsessive, and you will just want to be happy for your own sake. It WILL come…you’re nearly there. I know it feels unending. But you are almost there. <3 Good luck.

      • Thanks so much for your lovely reply! It was so detailed and thoughtful; I may have cried a little… haha. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now, but still, I really appreciate everything you said.

        It is a vicious cycle! It’s SO frustrating and I’m driving myself crazy. One minute, I’m telling myself it’s time to move on and I have to stop hoping that moving on will make him want me again. He’s told me not to hope and that he has no feelings. And then I think back to how rocky our relationship was… and how there’s no way he’ll want to try again. All he’ll see is that he didn’t want me for years, and then we tried to have a relationship, and he loved me, but it wasn’t the kind of love he’d hoped for. And there’s also too much going against me and our relationship for him to ever consider it: with all of my needy past behavior, my depression, me not getting to know his family and friends because of my anxiety/depression…. There’s nothing to want.

        But then my stupid brain tells me, “Marilyn, don’t be silly, there’s no such thing as IMPOSSIBLE! Think about LOA and that article you read ( and about Jennifer’s story! If you just live your life, maybe your best friend will be back”
        And I also think about all of the good times we shared, and that he’s a smart man… he must know that It’s possible for my depression to improve, and that that was the cause for all of my negative traits! Gah. So that gives me hope… and here I am struggling between letting go fully, and then just “fake” letting go. God damnit, this cycle is the worst!

        Also, when I lean towards having zero hope, I feel so incredibly depressed, so it’s hard to stick with this mind set. I can cope with the thought of us not being together for a year, or just “for now”… but when I come to the conclusion that he’ll NEVER want me again, I panic. Because (and I know EVERYONE says this, but it’s seriously true in my case! Haha), I honestly don’t believe I’ll have another serious relationship with anyone else. I have tried dating for 10 years, and I could not fall in love. He’s the only man I’ve loved and I truly believed we’d be together for forever. Whiiiich leads me back into thinking that I should follow my gut, and believe that we will be back together one day, haha. It’s quite pathetic.

        I also have moments of just appreciating that I was loved by him once, and just cherish those memories. I was lucky that I got to experience that, and if I don’t have it again, that’s okay. I can still be happy with just friends, right? I can focus on my career, and other things. It’s tough though, as my happiness has always stemmed from my love for people… It’s a problem. I am so dependent on this person and I need to grow without him; I realize the break up was a blessing, because I HAVE to learn how to be happy without him. My dependency on him is so unhealthy! I know I’ve already come a long way, because I rarely think of suicide (I was that low, yes. The pain was unbearable) and I’m excited/afraid to try to rebuild my life. Though once and awhile the panic sets back in and it suckssss.

        I’m babbling again, sorry! I don’t even know what the point of me writing to you is… I know that the right thing to do is to try my best to stop thinking about him, to let go, and to make a life without him. I think by writing on here, and by thinking about everything, I’m procrastinating rebuilding my life. I’m afraid of the unknown, and letting go. I think I’m afraid of moving on, in a way? Everything is hard! I’ve relied on this person for so long, and now I’m on my own. I have to face my fears and improve myself, and hope that by doing this I will become happy… orrrr the other option is I drown, and sit here and think and think, and continue to loathe myself and all of my mistakes… I will push everyone away further, and end up discovering my ex has a family, and then probably off myself, haha. That’s not the future I want! I want to become strong and I want to be happy on my own. If he doesn’t come back, I want to be okay when I find out my ex is in love with someone new. I don’t want to crumble to pieces.

        And I am already tired of obsessing; I’m tired of saying his name. I want to stop thinking about him, and I do sometimes… but then something triggers my sadness and I long for him and look at social media stuff (so terrible), and ugh. I need to stop. He doesn’t want me, so why should I give him this power. I’m in charge of my happiness, not him.

        Oh jeez, this message is never going to end, is it? Haha.
        Thanks again Jennifer! You’re so kind for replying to strangers. You’ve helped me more than you know!


  3. Hey jen hope all is well,
    I’ve not posted for a while as I’ve been feeling really positive,
    Having a tad bad day tho, obviously going to see the ex to see my son most days but then I leave feeling depressed as we should be a family, it’s getting easier seeing my ex but some days I just want to tell her can we start again,
    But refraine from doing so,
    I think the most frustration for me is not knowing how she feels. Does she want us to try, is she missing me, or am I seeing her through rose tinted glasses.
    (I left her)
    I know I’m not fully over her and I know it takes time but I just have a niggling feeling something isn’t over and I can’t put my finger on it, I just want this to go and me to look at her and not feel anything not sonetimes longing for her.
    I said in a few posts that I find it difficult she on numerous occasions called me her soulmate and the love of her entire life now it feels just weird it’s over,
    I know you’ve read the same posts just having a off day,
    Dom 💎

  4. Jennifer I tried keeping myself to myself until this happened. I am now stuck again :(

    So basically she reached out to me on Saturday saying:
    ‘Hey don’t Ignore me :(‘
    ‘You didn’t even reply to my other messages :'( :|

    I read these messages on Sunday and she then said ‘:|’ and I read that message to which she then said ‘You’re just being hella rude now’

    I couldn’t take that the she was still reaching out to me so I had to just tell her that I asked for space. I asked why she is still popping up to me despite her telling me that she was alright with the whole needing distance and she replied ‘well I didn’t know it was this long’ so I replied ‘hmm well it’ll take quite a bit of time’ and she replied ‘well I miss you’, I then said ‘Im just accepting the break up tbh’ and she said ‘Yh I know’ ‘But I still miss you’

    She eventually told me how she is stressed because her boyfriend doesnt know about her insecurities and that she’s scared how he is going to react. She told me how it was different for me and her because I knew her insecurities before we got together whereas with this guy she said that ‘He seems good with stuff he’s seen like my scars he was perfectly okay but what if he cant handle the fact that I’m still doing it or that I still feel the same’. I told her that if he handles it well then he’s good whereas if he doesnt handle it well then he’s clearly not good in the long run.

    I then just ended the conversation and told her good luck so that she would reply and would have the last say.

    I have no idea what I have to do from now onwards because the only reason that I gave her that advice was because at one point I was constantly saying how I was just accepting the relationship and how its her problems. She told me she feels like she lost one of her ‘fucking best friends’ I said I cant do anything because she is now her and I am me, we are no longer together. To which she replied ‘you’re just being a prick’ so I felt all defensive and had to be nice so that she wouldn’t have a bad image of me. I wanted to keep a positive image in her mind regarding what she thinks of me, I want her to think positive of me as opposed to being a ‘prick’ in her eyes.

    What do I even do to get the power back in my court from now. :/ I am still working on myself but regarding working towards reconciliation whats next.

      • I just gave her advice which might work. He didn’t mind her scars so why would he mind other insecurities? He will just pretend if anything that the insecurities do not pose a problem just so that he can continue being with her. So what do I do from this point on :/ regarding NC or just anything?

        She did then upload a profile picture saying ‘oh, there goes all the fucks I give’

  5. Hi jen,
    Quick update,
    Things going really well at the moment, me and the ex are getting on really well,
    Get the odd day where I feel like s##t and want her back then I redirect my thoughts, really hard but I have too,
    IS it normal to see a ex through rose tinted glasses like they were the best thing to ever happen to you, even tho everyday is getting easier and easier I do somehow slip into wondering how she feels and convince myself she’s fine and really wanting this, maybe once i really get my confidence that was shaken back to top it wouldn’t be such a huge issue,
    Hope all is well across the pond ,

  6. Hey Jen,

    So me and my ex broke up in July (bad breakup) very bad. He some how managed to weasel his way back in around ending September. We used to live together and I moved out last Feb but before we broke up I was the only one visiting (flying to him). Are relationship was actually great until I moved in with him. Maybe he checked out last year really. Before we broke up we were scheduled for a vacation last August so I thought we were okay. When he got back in contact with me he would initiate the calls, face time, etc., He came to where I live because of a wedding and he stayed with me. Didn’t invite me to the wedding though, which was so hurtful but I didn’t express that in order to maintain our peace. If I knew we weren’t getting back together I would have never let him come to my new place or least let him sleep on the couch. I was still intimate with him, which really sux. He left a couple of days before NYE and funny thing is he calls me every single day. I went to a game with my sister and he knew that. I am no longer friends with him because when he broke up with me summer time he deleted me. (More hurt) Never cared to add me back although he communicated with me daily. I did make a fake Instagram (IG) acct just to see his profile. His IG looks like hes enjoying himself, working out alot, new friends. It was weird that he didn’t call me one night and so I just logged on to the fake IG acct and he was in New York City! My heart dropped because he didnt mention it to me, he didnt say anything. Matter fact he called me from the back of a taxi and pretended like it was his friends car and they were dropping him off. (I just wondered how did you become such a liar and why?) He was just talking about vacation time after I mentioned I needed a vacation. I just felt all along he was he was keeping secrets and maybe he went to NY to see another person. I was hurt and I let him know, yes I told him I knew because his Priceline is tied to my name and I was getting emails (yea, I lied). There was a girl that he did visit that used to make us argue last year and he went to see her, she posted a pic on her IG. (In my mind he has moved on to her, although its way further from him than I was) We both live in TX. Well, I told him that I would no longer be hurt and he is not the person I once knew. After that I didnt even care to hear his voice because his txt mssg were mean and brought back old memories of our breakup. He brought up the past and since then I just decided its best for me to grieve the relationship and let go…I have not fully let go yet. He did try calling me and I ignored. I been ignoring his txt. Every time i see his message in my mind, I just tell myself that there is an angle to his madness. His last txt was last Monday, telling me he didnt want to burn bridges. I have no earthly clue what that means. Anyway, I just ignored I promised my self by Feb. 14th coming I would just release everything and let it go. I really do love him but hes changed alot. I tried talking to other ppl yet but I think I should give myself time. Also deleted his number but he messages me on Whatsapp, I guess to see if his messages are being read by me. They are but I just have nothing left to say, he broke up with me anyway initially told me that there is no more love. The other day I logged on to my Skype only to see that he changed his pic…Im trying hard to get myself to delete him on there. I given my self no choice by the 14th of Feb I will delete him. His 32, Im 29…Our birthdays are both in April one week apart so it will be hard not to think of him around that time. I feel like my heart will always long for him but some way some how I must let it be…

    Sorry if my story seems rambled…

  7. Hi jen
    Hope all is well. Found out ex gf seeing someone and it’s set me back, is there still hope or not. Really hit a low set after doing so well.
    She told me it would take a long time for her to meet someone and get hit with this over text,
    It’s really set me back,

    • Hi Dom, I’m sorry to hear that. I think life is forcing you to move on, whether you want to or not. Stop wondering if there’s still hope and truly, once and for all, accept that the two of you are over. I know it hurts. But there’s not really another option. If there’s hope in the future for you two or not, it won’t be accessible to you unless you truly let her go.

    • I know your right. Re read how you met someone new after 6montjs and this is how long it’s been for us,
      It’s just a very surreal feeling, it’s like I’ve been replaced, These are her words, (We still argued all the time. I wasn’t happy & I wasn’t going to live like that anymore. I shouldn’t have to wonder what things were going to be like on a daily basis. Or whether or not you’d walk out . It’s not the life I want I’m sorry)
      When you and c we’re apart was there any point you thought it’s truly over and did you find out he met someone, If so how did you accept it,
      Your right tho somethings telling me to move on,

      • I thought it was really over with C from the beginning. I’ve told you that before.

        He went on a few dates with others (which hurt) but it never got serious. I was the one who was relatively serious with someone else to try to help myself move on.

        Now, more than ever, you have to decide to work on yourself so that you never lose anyone again the way that you lost your ex. You need to learn to handle your emotions and be stable. How to stop arguing with those close to you. And you need to be the best father to your son that you can be.

  8. Hi Jennifer,

    I’m really struggling with moving on still. I know it needs to be done and he’s not coming back, but I keep dwelling.

    I have one question for you: how did you date someone so soon even while you knew you still loved your ex? I’ve met someone, and I know he’s attractive and has a ton of great qualities, but I have no desire to pursue him. I enjoy his company, but the thought of being sexually intimate repulses me. We kissed, and I know he’s a good kisser, but I felt nothing and didn’t want to continue. I’m worried that i’ve been brainwashed because I was with my ex for so long, and have just gotten used to him. I feel like forcing it and hoping I start to develop deeper feelings for this guy, but I don’t know if it’ll happen.

    Before my ex and I committed to each other, we were on and off for years. I tried dating many people throughout that time and it was the same thing… I never enjoyed sex with anyone else and would push people away after getting intimate :( I think i’m seriously messed up, and it sucks.

    Should I just stay single for forever and not attempt dating? Or force it and hope i become attached and develop feelings? Haha. I know i’m not over my ex, and lots of people say to wait to date before you are, but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever really get over him completely. He’s made such a huge impact on my life, he was my family.

    I’m worried i’m dating for the wrong reasons too… I have to see my ex at a party in a couple months, and I wish I could show up with confidence, having moved on and with someone else I care about, haha.

    Ugh. This really sucks.

    • If the guy you’re seeing is attractive but you don’t like kissing him, you’re not attracted to him — it doesn’t matter what he looks like. Cut it off.

      I was able to date someone else once I gave up on my ex completely. I believed that I was worthy of love and that life would bring me someone who would make me laugh and help me heal. And it did. That person also was willing to take things slow.

      Don’t rush it, obviously. And don’t force anything! I would go on lots of dates and meet lots of people…not just spend my time with one guy.

      As long as you tell yourself that you’ll never get over you ex, you never will. You’ll keep yourself in emotional bondage. If you believe you’ll be able to let go, that the universe is kind and will heal your heart, and that among the billions on this planet that there are at least 500,000 men who can love you deeply, make you laugh and feel attracted, important and worthy…that’s what will happen.

      As hard as it is to hear, it’s your addiction to the sad feelings surrounding your ex that is keeping you miserable. To assume that on the entire planet, NO ONE ELSE could make you feel the way your ex did (or better) is not only preposterous but putting your ex on a pedestal that he DEFINITELY doesn’t deserve to be on. He’s just a man. Trust me. I love C, I’m glad we gave it another go and we are a wonderful fit for each other, but had he not come back, I have zero doubt that I would have found total, blissful happiness elsewhere. I believe I deserve that, so my life brings me that constantly.

      • Hey Jen,

        I’m in the same boat as Marilyn… Still struggling, now a year and half later. I did read through all of your comments, and followed the advice you gave to the best of my ability.. It’s a constant battle of retraining my thoughts to focus on being happy alone while everyone around me seems to have found the love of their lives.
        It’s difficult for me to think I wasted 5 years on him, and now we’re both 30 yet he has already been with someone for a year now. I don’t see how things could ever change that he’d come back feeling the pressures of age to get married etc…, and investing a year into this other woman. It’s been 8 months since I last Twitter stalked him, and I kinda feel like if I knew he was planning to marry her, I could really move on, but then I also don’t want to go back to the state I was in, when we first broke up (crying every day, not eating, etc..)

        Looking in hindsight, I do believe you were absolutely right in your response several months ago, that we needed to break up. I needed to mature, and grow and let go of the immature, needy, controlling of his time crap.

        I guess what Im asking is that do you think it would help to check on his “status” or should I continue to focus my thoughts on moving on and letting go?

        Do you really believe in the whole “if it’s meant to be, it will be” sayings?

        Thanks so much Jen!
        <3 Nicole

      • It won’t help to check the status; you’ll only hurt yourself. You MUST decide that YOU are done, not find out that HE is done. Does that make sense? Until YOU take control, you’ll never move on.

        I believe that our thoughts and feelings are creative — literally, I believe they create our circumstances like a super strong magnet. So if we are in a strong and powerful place, powerful things happen to us. It almost seems magical. If we feel weak and pathetic, our lives will mirror that back to us. I still forget this sometimes and a string of “bad” things will happen to me. If I realize and check the thoughts I’ve been thinking, I always find that I’ve been thinking/behaving “below the line” (negatively, critically, jealously, etc).

        I believed C and I were meant to be, but when he didn’t even say anything to me on my birthday one year, I decided that the universe would not be as cruel as to put me with someone who would be so thoughtless about my feelings. I believed I was capable of a big love, and deserving of one. So I decided to be done, regardless of thinking we had been “destined” for each other. So I stopped saying his name, I deleted him everywhere, and I forbade my friends from mentioning him. That’s when the magic happened. Not because he changed, and not because we were meant to be. It was because I changed.

        You have to change. You’re still not getting (and Marilyn isn’t either) that this is not even about him. If it was about him, he’d still be with you. You must own that (even though it hurts) and then choose to become the person that something like this will never happen to again.

      • Thanks Jen- I’m grateful for your advice and experience. It really does help to hear it from another perspective and helps encourage me to refocus on thinking positive again.

        One other question… Friends have said I will regret this years down the road when I look back, but I’m thinking about throwing all the notes/letters/cards I collected away. I have them shoved in the back of a closet now, but I kinda feel like it could help let go. Do you think that’s the right thing to do?

        For all of the advice/help you’ve given everyone on here, I hope that happiness, love, and many wonderful things come your way. You definitely deserve some good karma :) for all of the time you invest in this blog helping us broken hearted.
        <3 Nicole

        P.S. Hope it's okay if I leave you updates from time to time!

      • You are very welcome.

        You’re still asking your friends and me for advice. But remember, this is about you. I might give you advice and it’s the worst advice ever, for YOU.

        Do YOU think you should throw them out?

        This sounds silly, but close your eyes and ask Future Nicole. I have done this tons of times and I’m often surprised with the wisdom that bubbles up.

        Does Future Nicole think it would be cathartic to throw them out? Does she think you should burn them? Maybe she thinks you should store them at a friend’s house for a firm period of one year? Maybe she thinks you should drive fast down the road and scatter them in the wind? Or maybe she’ll tell you to get a safe with a lock and put them in there…and then throw away the key. Or give it to someone you trust. The point is, the part of you that is timeless KNOWS.

        I can tell you this — I burned some of C’s letters. He threw everything I gave him out. Did it hurt one another to discover we’d done that? Yep. Did we blame the other person? No.

        That said, when I moved recently, I found letters I’d kept from my first love. We’re long out of touch now, but it stung to find them, and I wished I’d thrown them out ten years ago. I kept two things he made me and I threw everything else (sadly) away. Sometimes you think Future You will be ready to go through that stuff later, but you may not ever be. And really — what’s the point?

        I want to keep putting the power back in your hands because it IS yours, and that’s where it belongs. Deep down, you know the answer to all your questions. Trust yourself. ❤️

      • Thanks so much for your reply Jennifer.

        I know you’re right, there has to be someone else out there who I will love, I just know it’s going to be difficult to find. The town I live in is small, and my ex is very unique. He’s very… animated, and different. Kind of like a girl, haha. I grew up with this guy who has such a weird, quirky personality and now everyone else seems so boring. BUT, I know I have to open myself up to new people.

        The guy i’m currently seeing is attractive, and intelligent, and fun…we have lots in common. I know he’s a good catch so it’s bothering me that I don’t want to be intimate with him. I’ve only met one other guy in my life that I enjoyed kissing, despite loving my ex, but our personalities are so different. He’s into partying and is very extroverted… I can’t see us dating seriously, but my body responds to him. Should I pursue that guy?? haha. Gah. It’s frustrating.

        I am addicted to my ex and these sad feelings, I know. I really need to take him off the pedestal I’ve placed him upon.

        Thanks for all of your advice, you’re very kind. <3

  9. Hi Jen. I found your blog during the first few hazy days of my break-up and now (5 weeks later) I’ve re-read it and am so in love with this mind-set — and you! I love how you take the time to respond to everyone and seem so spot-on!

    So, here’s my situation:

    My ex boyfriend and I (both 28) were together for about a year and a half. 7 months of that he was deployed in Australia, although we either texted, spoke, or FaceTimed almost every single day. We started having trouble not long after he got back from deployment. It was a lot of things, I think; we went from being apart but communicating constantly to a full-blown but less communicative in-person relationship with a lot of moving parts overnight. He was re-stationed 3 hours away almost immediately after returning (making us long-distance again), it was the holidays so we were juggling both our families and careers, and I had some health problems that really took a lot out of me, so emotionally I needed a lot from him at this time and was really resentful when I didn’t get that support as my whole life in the 3 months that he was back before we broke-up basically revolved around finding him a house, moving him, his social obligations with the Marine Corps, time with his family/friends who also hadn’t seen him in 7 months, etc.

    I thought we were working through things together though until he broke-up with me out of the blue one day while I was at was work. He was crying VERY hard over the phone and all I was really able to take away from the conversation was that “something didn’t feel right” and that he didn’t feel we were a “good fit” anymore. He blocked me for about about a week on Facebook and even flew home to be with his family because he was so upset.

    After about a month of almost no contact, we reconnected on Valentine’s Day — I iniated, weakly — and have been texting almost like normal ever since. Both of us seem pretty miserable, frankly. We’ve both been trying to keep things light and upbeat, but the feelings are definitely there… Reminiscing and pet names were starting to slip through and such, and then last night he actually asked me if I was on a date (which I wasn’t, but he said it was okay if I was).

    We have been talking about talking about the break-up when he’s “ready,” but for some reason him asking me that question last night makes me feel like he’ll just let me chase him forever and still never really let me in…

    I know I need to walk away and make myself the priority I never was in the relationship, but do I directly tell him I don’t want to have that conversation anymore or just go radio silent?

    Any perspective would be helpful. Keep up the lovely writing ❤️

    – Mallory

    P.S. I should also probably add that we were talking about me relocating and moving in with him within the next 6 months… Again, he wasn’t ready, but I felt he needed to commit to some sort of timeline as certain other aspects of my life were effectively on hold with a possible move in the near future. This was something I really felt I had to stand-up for myself on and I feel like it backfired?

    • Hey Mallory,

      This is something that’s very common with men. I think it was easy to be so close during the 7 months he was deployed because he didn’t fully “have” you — so the talking and Facetiming was, in a way, him continuing to chase you.

      Once he was back, several realities set in — how to readjust to being here, finding a home, picking up friendships he might have neglected, etc. In his mind, HE was the one who needed your support; in your mind, YOU were. Hence the relationship not feeling right, or fun, or how it used to. Reality set in and as someone who is married now, I can tell you that commitment is ALL about support and not necessarily getting resentful if you don’t get it.

      The red flag here is that he said recently that it would “be okay” if you were on a date. Not good. Did he 100% mean it? Probably not, since he was bold enough to ask you (he was thinking: “Is she seeing other men and I don’t know about it?”). But him saying it was okay is NOT the answer you want to hear, so something needs to switch.

      You’re right in that he’ll let you chase him forever. And men do not like to be chased. The more you do it, the less he’ll respect you. Eventually, you WILL hear the “I’ve met someone else” line from him. It is why you will see less-than-super-attractive men going after super-hot women. Men hunt. And women like to be hunted. That’s probably why this situation feels so yucky to you — it’s reversed.

      If I were you, I would say that you’ve done some thinking and that while it’s nice to have been in recent contact with him after how hard the breakup was, that you realize you need to move on completely and meet other people, and in order for you to do that, you need some space. Tell him you really care about him and wish him the best but that you recognize that the breakup occurred for a reason and that you owe it to yourself to find someone more suited to you. (Yes. You want it to actually sound like you’re saying there’s something wrong with him. Do NOT take the weak position in this communication with him.)

      Don’t tell him how long the time-frame is. You WANT him to wonder. And you WANT him to wonder if you’ve already met someone. Don’t give any answers; don’t explain (it’s the biggest mistake we make during breakups to assume that they want to know everything we’re feeling — being vague and distant is a 100% better method).

      And then don’t contact him. Ever.

      He’ll contact you. Trust me.

      If you do get back together, you’ll have a LOT of shit to work through. This is the ugly advice I have to give. Sometimes, when someone has some commitment issues like your ex does, it’s really better to try to move on. Once he’s back, you’ll always be scared that he’ll do it again. It took well over a YEAR for me to even BEGIN trusting C again and I constantly asked myself if it was worth it. Even when we were engaged, I had big moments of being doubtful and afraid. It took pre-marital counseling and so.much.talking to get through it and it was seriously so difficult.

      Tell him you need the space (because you actually do) and that you’re moving on (because you need to at least try). If 8 weeks of silence doesn’t give him a wake up call, you don’t want him anyway.

      You’re only 28; there’s still so much time to find someone who won’t freak out when you need some support. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that men get the short end of the stick. There are good, supportive, decent, fun, smart, wonderful men EVERYWHERE. We think there’s a shortage for some reason. There isn’t!

      Good luck. <3

      • UGH. HELP. I replied to your reply yesterday but not sure that it went through as my iPhone is being batty and logging me out of everything and I’m newish to WordPress, but he has now initiated contact twice since then – he’s sad we didn’t get to see this new movie together and had a dream about me, blah blah blah – so I’m literally sitting on my hands not wanting to make the wrong move, LOL…

        Here is said reply to your reply again, just in case –
        Hi Jen.

        Thank you so much more your reply. I appreciate the honesty and perspective more than you know, and am 100% onboard.

        2 quick logistical questions, though, because I really want to get this right for myself and be able to hold my head high and with some grace:

        1. He has not initiated contact since that night, although the conversation did not necessarily end on a bad note. After he asked if I was on date – to which I said, “I don’t think so? I honestly didn’t even think about it that way and wouldn’t be texting you if I was…” – and he said that it was OK, he very quickly said he didn’t want to talk about it and changed the subject. We had more of our usual banter and then said our goodnights. I do feel he will eventually reach out at some point to have “the conversation,” though, even if only to ease his conscience as I know multiple mutual friends have been brutally honest with him about the fact that they feel the way he ended things was both selfish and cowardly, and that he led me on and let me make a lot of sacrifices for our relationship only to panic when life got real and complicated. He’s already told me I’m the best relationship he’s ever had and that’s he’s never been closer to anyone, he just needs some time to think about the things he wants to say to me… So do I beat him to the punch and say I don’t even want to have said conversation anymore or wait quietly until he brings it up? I just feel I’ve been initiating ALL communication since the break-up and don’t want to give him that power even one more time. Like you said, something needs to switch.

        2. I also think he’ll eventually contact me regarding a lot of my things left at his new house 3-hours away (including breakables and small pieces of furniture). I don’t care if I never see these things again, to be honest, but he apparently can’t stand anything that reminds him of me… Thoughts on how to make that work for me?

        Thanks again. I’m definitely past the wallowing stage and feeling much better day-to-day, but respecting myself again after letting someone who supposedly “loves me more than [I’ll] ever realize” treat me that way (yes, I recognized a lot of our issues as they were happening and ignored my gut the WHOLE time) is where I’m still doing a lot of self-work.

        Working my way through the rest of your blogs and am loving them :)

        Hugs, Mal

      • Just trust yourself. You know what the right and wrong moves are. If it feels weird to ignore his contact, then answer him. Ignore anything he says that’s emotional and stick to facts. When he asks what’s wrong (which he will because he expects warmth from you), tell him your version of what I told you to. When he asks about your stuff, tell him not to worry about it (leave the door open). It’ll all be okay. Just relax.

  10. Hey jen I hope all is well,
    Update for you.
    I FEEL GREAT. Time is a beautiful healer, the last few weeks it’s been like a sheet has been lifted over me and it’s like I’m a new me, the ex doesnt seem like she’s got a hold on me and I feel I’ve got my mojo and power back,
    I know it’s all going to be good, and confidence shows,
    Thanks for all your help and words and sorry I repeated so many of the same things I was in a horrible axiety bubble which I’ve popped, :)
    Your a 💎💎

  11. Thanks again for the spot-on advice, Jen.

    I trusted my gut, him and I have spoken twice over the phone now and we got to a point where I set things down and am committed to letting them lie, but I don’t know… I suppose I thought I would feel like a weight had been lifted or something, but it’s just so heartbreaking to me how shut-down he is, and makes me wonder if he ever REALLY loved me or if he was just going through the motions because I made it so easy for him. Even if we reconciled, I agree with you in that I don’t believe he’ll ever be willing (or even capable of) doing the work our relationship would need to be a successful one. I am beyond hurt and just generally frustrated. I really felt that I had put my best foot forward in this relationship. I can’t stress enough how hard I’ve been working on myself over the last few years as a result of deciding I wanted better relationships all around – my family has been through a LOT and I’ve observed the ill-effects of not deal with your sh*t in my parents and surviving sister all too closely – so the demise of this relationship, with the guy I felt so strongly was “The One” feels like it’s undoing all of that work. I just want to scream and break something. All I’m hearing from everyone around me (including my ex) is that I’m beautiful and smart and strong and deserve so much and that I did everything right… and I STILL got my heart broken, as though there simply must have been something intrinsically wrong with me. It’s an old, defeatist, typical child-of-divorce habit that I thought I had shaken, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like damaged goods at this point.

    My ex was (is?) my favorite person, my best friend, and the first person I ever felt confident actually building a life/family with, and for there to have been something “missing” for him has been a real bullet to my self-esteem and outlook, and I am SO MAD AT MYSELF for every little thing I misread along the way.

    I wonder sometimes if I’m actually a lot more broken than I think I am and have just fooled myself into believing things like I’m making progress, or that everything happens for a reason, or that I’m better for these experiences, etc.

    Mostly though I know it’s just been a bad day. Maybe I just needed to vent and put my worst insecurities down in writing to see how ridiculous they actually are…


    I know this isn’t punishment but training. I know I am the most powerful when I embrace exactly where I am at. I know that I was built for a great love and that it will come to me in its time. I know I’ll feel joy again. Just not today, and that’s okay.

    Thanks for listening. Writing this and re-reading all the comments on here has been amazingly therapeutic. You really are helping people. That’s a real gift – and a priceless one at that <3

    • Your last paragraph says everything that I would have responded to you with. It is NOT punishment, and you shouldn’t be mad at yourself. You’re not damaged goods…not any more than the rest of us are. You’re capable, and deserving, and GOING TO HAVE, a great love…whether with your ex or someone else. I can PROMISE you that.

      A lot of your comment was written from being “in your head.” Like, you’re letting the totality of your consciousness reside there and speak on your behalf. The last paragraph came from the heart. When you feel yourself getting really anxious, ask yourself who you’re listening to — head, or heart. The head is always neurotic and fearful. When you listen to your heart, it may be sad, and it may hurt so much that it is physically painful (hence the term broken heart), but there’s a wisdom that comes from the heart that will reassure you that this is only temporary. Listen to it.

      During my breakup, I read stuff like what I’m saying to you now and I thought it was all bullshit. Yet here I am, speaking from the other side. My heart knew, even with all the lies and fear my head was screaming 24/7, that time would heal it and bring me an even greater love. The longer I stayed attached that my great love be my ex and only my ex, the more I suffered. Once I was just able to trust that I would love again and it didn’t matter if it was C or not, the whole world exploded open for me.

      Try to forgive your ex. I have no doubt that he deeply loved, and still does love you. Issues and baggage are getting in the way for you both. Release the baggage and tend to your heart. This time in your life will feel like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s only an instant.

  12. Hi jen.
    The last few weeks I’ve felt great, but I’ve had a minor setback, I think its because it’s truly sunk in its done.
    Do you think relationships are fully over or that anything down the road is Always possible,
    I’m in a ok place not like I used to be at all, but still I have a 1% hope that one day if we once truly loved each other which we did that could return regardless that she’s met someone and so have I,

    • Dom, I’ve answered this for you before. :) Trust that it’s all going to be okay and all going to make sense. Every time you have a setback, remind yourself that setbacks come from holding on, and moving forward comes from letting go. Let go. –Jen

  13. Congrats that it happened to you! Not everyone is that lucky. How long did it take you to let go?
    My ex broke up with me in March 2012. I begged and pledged him until July 2014. Stopped all contact Since then, he contacted me about the money I loaned him last month. I didn’t respond, he sent me another text in the beginning of feb. Saying he can drop the check off when no one is home. I gave him my account for electronic transfer instead. I haven’t heard from him since then. No money was deposited either.

    • Not everyone is that lucky, nor should everyone be that lucky. I’m 33 now, so I’ve obviously had plenty of other exes besides C. Not all of them tried to come back, but most of them did. I truly believe no contact is the way to make that happen. Begging and pleading is the most effective way to delay any kind of reconciliation. I learned that the hard way with C.

      We were apart for six months. It took me four months of crying every day to let go. And letting go didn’t come because I was ready to; it came because I chose to. That doesn’t mean it didn’t still hurt like hell. It did. I wasn’t over it, but I had let go.

      Sounds like your ex got curious about where you’d gone and used the money as a way to get you to answer. Not an uncommon tactic.

  14. Im really finding it hard. Its been 4 months and he has a new girlfriend. Hes told me he fell out of love with me. His feelings changed…for.many reasons. I do understand. He moved on to her after a few weeks. Irs hard, its really hard. I tell myself he needs time to miss me…but i think 4 months is enough…and hes not back yet.
    I know now isnt the right time for us but i cant shake the feeling that he will be back in my life. I do think he wasnt 100% about it..but wanted to try to move on as he couldnt see how to fix it. Weve left it on good terms but arnt really in contact. Im leaving the ball in his court. Mayne this new relationship will run its course i dont want to bother him untill it has. Maybe a year down the line things will be different. Right now my priority is feeling better…i m just struggling right now.

  15. Pingback: Small Life, Slow Life: What Getting Your Ex Back Will Look Like (Hint: It’s Not What You Think). | small life, slow life

  16. Wow this is beautiful. I really hope this works for m elike it did you.

    Story: I am 22, currently in college. I met my current ex in high school 6 years ago. We instantly hit it off and were like two peas in a pod. Just like every relationship that wears off and you then have to mature and realize the work it takes to get through the ups and downs. Well we had a kid who is currently 4, so basically 2 years in we had a kid together. We had broken up a few times for reasons consisting of things like me being less passionate or being less attentive that usual. And as i have matured into a man, I can certainly understand how much of a toll that could take on a woman. I, however, have always been faithful. No lies, cheating…giving my love away..etc. As we grew i always tried to make sure i was doing those tings but work, school and martial arts made it hard to be there all the time. I put a alot of my love for her into the works. I saved up money for a wedding ring and planned an engagement, I finally was able to find us a house, Im graduating with a degree in civil engineering and i took over my dads real estate partially. Things are looking great financially. However, before i was able to propose to her on valentines day…she broke up with me 4 days prior. I was DEVASTATED….and still am. I cried….begged…pleaded..even proposed out of plan ..nothing worked. Everyone said give her space because all this will do is push her away but at the time you just cant fathom. Like you sort of mentioned, you want to believe she will see such a good thing she had and come to her senses. We have a kid and such a bright future. WHy would she throw it away? Her reason? She needed space. She needed time to focus on herself. Ok cool…after while i was able to accept that. But under the idea that she was eventually planning to come back. I then found out she was talking to someone else(we have had a few problems a while back of her texting and talking to other guys, her reason being she was lonely or needed to feel the void or whatever)and that she even hund out with him. She says she didnt leave me to be with anyone else and made it clear. She says that she really is focusing on herself. I oddly still believe her but as a man, and knowing how other guys prey on woman in times of weakness…it worries me. Eventually I got over the sadness. I eventually told myself that i truly love her…i love her enough to let her go out and bump her head a little. THe grass isnt always greener. Ive allowed my time to reflect on my mistakes and how i could improve as a man. Ive always had our best interest at heart and wish she could see that and know no other man loves her like i do. So i did sort of reach that turning point and reading this just really boosted me ahead. During our space I have done little sweet things very far apart like giving her a drawn portrait of herself. SHe really loved it and her face glowed with happiness. I could tell this was the type of stuff she wanted me to do while together. And i let that romantic side fade because of other priorities. She just wanted to feel important.Even though i feel i didnt deserve to be lied to, emotionally cheated on and treated like crap during the space(ignoring me and not acknowledging me accept when about the kid) I understand how important this time apart may be. Its almost hard for me to believe one could see so much in front of them and not eventually realize. I suppose im at the point now where, as you mentioned, I should be trying to get happier..not for the sake of her to recognizze..but for me…because life is funny. Even after all this..she just may not come back. Is it stupid? I think so..but we all do stupid things. THere are plenty of women who would love a handsome, young successful guy. who also believes in long terms loving relationships. Just thought id share. please reply is possible. Thanks!! (sorry for typos..on iphone)

    • You said it perfectly there at the end. EVERY woman wants a handsome, young, successful guy…who makes her feel important. You are in the process of learning from your mistakes and making her feel like a priority. As women, all we really want is to be noticed and listened to. The hand drawn portrait of her showed her that you’re capable of that.

      My husband is a personal trainer with a thriving business. Sometimes he’s at the gym 60 hours a week. He also trains/does martial arts and is very close with his family. Outside of all of that, he does his part to keep our home nice and help out others. All that aside, when he comes home, the FIRST thing he does is come to kiss me and ask how my day was. He randomly pops in to my work and brings me a coffee or lunch. Throughout the day, I get several texts just wishing me well or asking how things are going. We’ve been on and off for 9 years now…it’s not like we’re newly in love. He has a way of making me feel so special and paid attention to…even after all this time. Looking back, I feel like our relationship has deepened and gotten better over the years.

      Likewise, I do my part to maintain my interest in his life. I think longterm partners often get complacent and start to live side-by-side like roommates. To maintain the deep bond, you must live facing each other…not side-by-side. Nothing is worse for a woman than a man who isn’t passionate about her. Did she really emotionally cheat or did another man just show her that she’s valuable and worthy of attention?

      She will either return to you or she won’t, but you’re right…you must do things that make you happy at an essential level and you must open yourself up to sharing your life with someone, even when things like raising a child and work get in the way.

      It’s only been a month since your split, so be patient and when you feel down, remember that all things can be restored and healed. You are very young. I see nothing but happiness ahead of you. Take this as an important lesson and trust that things will work out.

      I wish you the best, truly. –Jen

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